i went out with two of my closest friends tonight, ash and kel. we had tapas at eclipse de la luna and it was sooo yummy. its so weird to think that the lalas are coming to a close, actually theyre all going to the sam place except for me, i have to be different of course. we had coldstone to celebrate my victories, and it just goes to show me how much no one ever wanted to say to me. now theyre buying me ice cream and telling me all these things i never knew they knew or thought about. but its all good.

in the meantime, they convinced me that i shouldnt be anyones bitch. i used to have a hard heart. then i was convinced by someone dear that that was no way to live. then my heart got smushed by a car. so i should probably close back up a little bit. but not too much, it seems like a lot of people like the new me.

so sorry, but this is how i feel and this is what i think and im putting this back up here because i can lie to someone else all day long, you can deal with the fallout on that one, but im not going to lie to myself on your account.

so here's the blog i wrote yesterday, posted last night, deleted this morning, and am now realizing should not be censored and am therefore resposting it:

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ENTRY WILL BE VERY LONG, BUT IT WILL BE INTERESTING NONE THE LESS, IF YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY AND ARE READING THIS, YOU BEST NOT ASK ME TO EXPLAIN MYSELF, I DON’T OWE IT TO YOU AND IM PRETTY SURE I DON’T WANT TO SO DON’T ASK.

“As we grow up we learn that even the one person who wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once; and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend and you might even fall in love with him. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing so fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you care about. So take too many pictures, laugh too hard, and love like you've never been hurt; because every minute you spend mad or upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.”

It is 1:08 pm on a sunny Wednesday aftenoon july 19th of the last summer of your life. July 4th was 15 days ago, but the truth is today is the final and definitive independence day.

Everything is collapsing.

It is finished.

This whirlwind of a whatever this whole thing was for the past eight months is finally coming to a close. Im not sure what I have to show for it though. I mean I could think positively and say that I have been loved and have loved in return, but at this point I question even that. Sometimes people can get so caught up in their own lies that they live inside this fantasy world. No one else knows about it. its this big secret, then it almost seems true, it becomes so real. But the reality is its just falsities and wishes.

I cant be mad though. I don’t want this to have a bad ending because it was such a beautiful ride that it doesn’t deserve to close out that way, and I don’t want it to. What kind of person would I be if I couldn’t forgive. Its possible to forgive while still standing up for yourself and that is what I did today. Im sorry if it hurt, but I thought you should know.

The past eight months have meant so much to me, but I have to take everything that was said and done with a grain of salt because the truth is unconventional works, secrets don’t. things are only as significant as both parties perceive them to be, and im not sure how significant the other party here finds them to be.

-Just one last touch and then well go and well pretend that it meant so much more, but it was vile and it was cheep and you are beautiful but you don’t mean a thing to me.-

Guess who’s playing the fool again? I must do a good job at it, cause they always call me back to play that part.

I feel stupid for thinking things had changed or that I was special enough to make things different. But you know I think its high time I stopped allowing everything to be blamed on me. It takes two to tango, but I could very well be considered an innocent bystander who got blinded by the happiness of it all and ended up somewhere she shouldn’t have been and didn’t want to leave.

This wasn’t my fault. I am generally a good person I swear. I lost myself for a little while.

The hardest part was admitting to myself that if the need arose, I was going to have to lie and say that nothing happened, nothing that meant anything at least. To say that would mean admitting to myself and the world at large that the emotions and energy that I poured out into this relationship were really for no reason and it was all just some cute little made up story. I damn joke email sent in order to make fun of the fugly redhead. Just try imagining it this way but on a smaller scale. Someone walks up to you one day and tells you your parents never really loved you it was all a charade. Then they tell you you have to go out to the world and let everyone know that your parents were just joking with you when they said they loved you, or when they took care of you all those years they really didn’t mean it they were just hastily doing a favor. How much would it hurt you to say that? Maybe you have a little better idea of how I feel then.

But God has impeccable timing. I wanted to push myself off a ledge to which I could never ever return, and just in time I find myself in a situation, in which the circumstances are such that I know He is saying, “angie, just turn and go.”

So go I shall. This comes just in time for me to enjoy my time here with friends and family. And grant it, he is still, and always will be one of my best friends. We always were that. Just somewhere along the line things came out that I now realize shouldn’t have been said and probably carried no actual emotional weight when they were said to begin with. The last time this happened I cried all day. I cried myself to sleep, and when I returned to school all I wanted to do was cry.

This time crying never even crossed my mind.

It almost makes me sad that im not sadder about this. I feel like I should be. But then I really think about it and I know I shouldn’t because ive spent the last eight months on an emotional roller coaster of a life in which everyday I found myself questioning how he felt about me and wondering what my future was like. Would I ever get my turn? Its almost sickening when you really think about it. but I really did care and I do care and that’s what sucks about me sometimes. I am an extremely passionate person. I put all that I have into all that I do. So when everything collapses my entire world is just completely shattered. Slaughtered. Broken. But I did all my crying and my worrying and my bitterness and my jealousy and my depression and my anger over the past eight months on a daily basis. The pain for me was slow, gradual, pinching pain. So now in the fallout I don’t think I have any energy left in me for an emotional breakdown. It was the mistake I knew I was making and like I said before, in life you already know all you need to know, the challenge lies in convincing yourself that you must do what you know you need to do in order to get the best outcome. I knew the dymanics of this relationship all along, I just ignored myself. Close your eyes and they wont see you. Close your eyes and this will all be for real. It doesn’t work like that.

So sir, im sorry for putting you in a situation you shouldn’t have been through. And im even more sorry for the problems that now lie ahead of you as a result. But the choices were yours, and you know that. I hate that it ended this way, but maybe you can find the whole “beauty in chaos” thing you always talked to me about. It truly does kill me to see it go like this, and I take responsibility for my actions, but I never acted alone. Youre my emotional baggage, that should count for something right? Well I have lost enough sleep over this and I mean that. If I could only convey the amount of time ive spent planning, thinking, worrying about all this then maybe you could understand why im just so worn out by it all that I cant freak out anymore. Its your turn to lose sleep.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is admit to yourself and to them that you cant give them what they deserve and its not fair for them to stick around. Its not fair to you, its not fair to me, and its certainly not fair to her.

Say goodnight and go, for real this time.


The end of an era for me. My best friend I’d want to lose my virginity to coupled with me, the love of his life hell never really love.

You never forget your first love…and I wont.

Ironically the shit hit the fan exactly to the letter 1 month before I leave for school. I have 1 month to make things right with everyone and make a beautiful grand finale for this show. I cant wait.


So before I close out this entry, here’s a quote. Its something he said to me two months ago and it was probably the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me. Read into it and youll get it.


“you didnt need to aspire to be any Greater then you already are angie because yOu impressed me tO begin with…i seriously Doubt that angie, you're full of ideas and creativity and talent that is so unique in nature and unyielding in growth that it couldnt have stemmed from a simple want to impress any one person But YoursElf, your talent and creativity iS genUine and it is For you and for you alone, the real gift iS that you were able to reach others in the process”

I love you.