closing time.

so i dont know if i can reiterate this enough. im ready to go home! i am done here.

jordan came this weekend for formal and it was wonderful. i forgot about everything else going on, which is what i strive to do on a daily basis anyway, and just enjoyed myself. i am now dehydrated, tired and have a variety of other issues i wont go into, but it was a fun weekend. formal was fun and despite the happiness i feel that jordan was there, my most favorite and memorable part of the evening may have been stuffing myself into the bathroom with about 15 of my sorority sisters, everyone bouncing around and talking and being crazy. then of course there were the meatballs and the spicy crackers, i suppose those could be considered highlights as well haha.

so now jordan is gone and im back to the realities at hand. he took our futon with him which means the room is slowly but surely turning back to its original shape. when i leave this place on may 9th it will have bare floors, beds on the floor, bare walls, and empty warm fridge. it will look just like the institutional cell that i walked into on august 19th, devoid of all the memories, the emotions, the hours spent on ichat, the wine parties, the studying, the sleeping late and staying up all nights.

but it is sooo time to move on.

i'm so excited for what summer is sure to bring me. but i also approach summer with a hint of reservation. home is now almost an unfamiliar place. the same people will return but they will not be the same people that once resided there. its scary to face the facts of what will come of me and some of my friends, its not always a pretty sight.

then theres the prospect of finally being in a relationship with someone i share a zip code with. but i also approach this with a sense of reservation. the deeper i go, the harder i fall. the distance makes it easier to keep myself in line, to try to precent myself from becoming too invested in this. to protect myself. but when the distance goes away, i know i will forget about all those things, as i rightfully should. letting go and enjoying yourselves is what its all about. but when the time comes, can i handle the distance again? at the end of the day it will become a question of seriousness, are we willing to face three more years of this struggle? is it worth the sacrifice?

i dont know, its very apparent upon my reading back over what i just said that i am thinking way to deeply into this. summer hasnt even begun yet. if i spend my time worrying about what the end of summer will bring, ill miss the summer itself.

can i just reiterate once more that im so ready to get out of here. tennessee has been kind to me, but im tired of being a freshman.

im ready to go home.

bored.

so im really tired of everything and im really unmotivated to do anything, including thinking deeply or profoundly about anything for this blog. instead i offer you this shotty substitute. id like to see if any of you faithful readers out there have been paying attention. so here is something to distract you from what you should be doing, a quiz about yours truly. try it out and lets see who can get the highest score. buena suerte!

Take My Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com Can you Ace my quiz? Yes! No Let's Find Out!

let doomsday begin.

so today someone shot and killed 30 people, then himself at virginia tech. another shooting occurred at the dorms where two more were shot dead. the largest shooting in US history, school or not. i recall walking around campus here one afternoon and remarking to myself how easy it would be for someone to take out a ton of people very quickly on our campus. you wanna piss some people off? why not hit america at its heartland, hit some innocent students, hit a large group of people at once? its such a scary idea to entertain.

i think these kinds of things easily affect me. i become glued to the tv as the facts of the disaster unravel bit by bit. i imagine myself in the scenario, a young life taken so quickly. i think of the nickelback video for "saving me" where the people are walking around with the countdown clocks counting down the years, months, days, minutes and seconds left in their lives. to think that we are predisposed to a certain length of time in life, a mystery length that we can never know, that is until the string runs to the end, the final and unrepentable knot. it often takes real life situations and living vicariously through others' trauma to remember this fact.

the doomsday clock now sits at five minutes till midnight. i see the way the world is going and its not a pretty picture. when i think about how i perceive the state of the world to be at this time, i think about the night of september 11, 2001. i remember walking to the window and looking at the dark night sky, not a plane in site. i reflected on all that happened that day. on the innocence lost. on a new world view. on an outlook of fear in the future. on the feeling that maybe everything i had once thought was true or right no longer existed. on the world for what it truly is: scary, uncertain and illusive.

correspondence

Angie,
I purchased a box of cards without giving it a second thought simply because they had such a great pattern. the cost is justifiable if they are able to aid in preserving certain relationships or bonds.

it is sunday and raining so there is plenty of time to think, to write, to reconnect.

how is photography going now that you are doing film? i recently began a paid membership with fotocommunity after realising i no longer do photography for fun. next time that you are in atlanta, i would lie to work/shoot with you, that is if you desire and are willing.

i now see that i am distancing myself further from most everyone in my life, and am also allowing many bonds to break and connections go lost. i can not say why though, but i do feel more inspired, confident, and simply happy than ever befor.

do write to me befor i become a complete hermit in a cave some where.

jordan

**********************************

jordan,
it was nice to hear from you. i like your stationary too. i hope you are doing well and i hope you don't become a hermit in a cave. in an effort to prevent such an event, i am writing you back.

things are just fine here in the tennesseee hills. schoolwork keeps me busy, but i am ready to be done for the year. film has been interesting for me and i've enjoyed working in the darkroom and now i'm back to my digital comfort zone for the rest of the semester. i haven't been happy with any of my work for almost a year. i figured coming here to a new place would provide new inspiration and that my work would flourish, but that was not the case. i ended up frustrated and unsatisfied each time i went out to shoot. my professor told me to put down my camera and live my life and it will come back to me, so that is what i am doing. that is not to say i've quit by any means, but i'm not forcing anything right now. i'm doing it for enjoyment and trying to have fun and experiment and play once again.

i have a boyfriend now, a high school sweetheart who i was lucky enough to have come back to me. we have been dating for almost two months, and i am very happy. ironically enough his name is also jordan, not to be confused with you since you two are very different people. he is the type of guy i could see you laughing at after he left the room, but he is not too unlike the type of man i would like to marry someday, so i am very happy. the girl you knew those months ago was not the same one writing you today. she was not me. but i am much happier in general now. i feel you have played an intergral part in my journey from then to now and i am very thankful to you for that. i looked online at your recent work and i like where you are going. jade looks beautiful as usual and i'm sure you're happy that margaux is back in the area. i hope the studio has not killed your sense of creativity, JORDAN SHEPLER: OFFICIAL SCHOOL PHOTOGRAPHER. I would be willing to work with you when i am at home, but i will have to ask the other jordan first, he is quite protective of me. rightfully so, you know i'm a tough one to handle.

thanks again for writing and i will see you soon.

angie

full.

i'm not afraid and i don't think its premature for me to say that im enamored.

absolutely enamored.

as if there was ever any doubt.

its this feeling, the feeling i have today that i must always keep in mind. put it in my pocket and save it for the time when i have doubts, when i feel like its not working, when i feel like its too hard, when i feel giving up.

i want to remember this day. this day and how tight i held onto everything.

baldwin lee says i need to put down the camera for ten seconds for my life and see the world without a lens, with my eyes. ive spent the past year and a half hiding behind scenarios and problems and melodramas and craziness and wild streaks and excuses and loneliness and camera lenses. when i think on these things it makes me want to cry. cry out of regret, confusion, disappointment in myself, and then cry because im free from that, cry because theres something else in life, cry because i can do better and i know this now.

so now i sit here early easter morning 2007 in the bedroom of so many nights and just as many mornings making futile attempts not to bawl. for the first time in a year and a half i feel real again. i dont feel like someone else is controlling me. i look in the mirror and i know the face staring back at me. i feel familiar to myself. i feel important. i feel worth something. i look at myself and know that i am not crazy. it has been a crazy cyle from start to finish and i cant say anyone caused anything to happen, good or bad on their own accord. i chose my reactions to the events in my life. this is my journey and no one elses.

but i just cant get over how it feels to finally feel like i know who i am. to put the excuses and the pitty party and the camera lenses and down and see myself, really see.

to feel full.

today i am at home. this makes me so happy and its something ive waited for for a long time.

today i remembered how much my family means to me.

today i laughed because my parents get me. theyve been around for things, unlike the people i spend my days with now up in the tennessee hills.

today i stayed up until 2 am eating vegetable crackers and peanut m & m's talking on aim with the one i wish i could see everyday.

today i had chicken parmesan. and i ate it. because it was food. and it wasn't filled with onions.

today i felt beautiful.

feels good.

the little things.

check me all techied out. w00t. thanks to jbomb for the scandalous attire haha.

this weekend has been a reminder of the importance of the little things. in a world where everything must be bigger and better and faster and stronger and more megapixels, i think we now have a rarity of the little things. and i remember from kemp's microeconomics class that the less of something there is, the greater it is prized when found. face it little children, we love the little things.

it's the random facebook message.
it's the letter in the mail saying im praying for you.
it's the phone call.
it's the stick of chapstick.
it's the door held open for you.
it's the listening ear when you need it.
it's the single pink rose.
it's the person who shows they care when you never knew they did.
it's the cancelled class.
it's the hand running up and down your back at 7 am.

at the end of the day, it's not about the number of megapixels you have, the capacity of your hardrive in gigabytes, its not about how much horsepower your packing, how many bedrooms you have, or your gpa.

it's about those little things.

by the same token, its the little things that destroy us. the little sip of the drink we thought was wine which now becomes a poison to ourselves, a small sampling of something that was supposed to be good, but turned oh so ugly faster than anyone could see it coming. it's not about the huge knock down drag out fights, it's once again those little things that destroy us.

it's the broken promise.
it's the unspoken actions with another.
it's the time you were late and you didn't call and she was worried sick about you.
it's the one kiss.
it's the one lie.
it's the three minutes when you forgot who you were and Who's you were.
it's the hidden dissatisfaction with another.
it's the one little secret.
it's the hidden meaning of what you say.

while advertising, pop culture, the media at large and our everyday environment might attempt to convince us otherwise, life is not about the big things. the big things are those we pay the extra $29.95 for and get the Gold Promise Extended 2-Year Warranty for. the big things break, run out of juice and sit forgotten in the back of the basement.

but oh those little things. they make you feel alive. they make you feel important. they make you feel loved. they reside in the eyes of God Himself. they get under your skin. they make you cry. they make you feel pain you never thought existed.

that is what the little things can do to you.

remember remember remember oh please remember the little things.


p.s. to the mr postman: i cannot help you i cannot make it go away, the best i can do for you is feed you a corny five for fighting song lyric ("when nothing's left, everything is gained") and be just a phone call away.