something better.

i think my mother and i have the same disease. we talked about it this afternoon as i stood in the kitchen in half my work uniform drinking water out of my pi phi bottle, hair a mess.

we both hate to be hated.

i cant stand the thought of me doing something that would make someone else have ill will towards me in any way. i dont know if its me selfishly looking out for my reputation or if its some sort of guilty conscience keeping me from doing harm to others. but i think more than anything, it is my inability to close the books in my life.

i hate the idea of having a definite end to anything in my life. so i half-close doors. i half ass quit my job just in case i want to go back there again later...wanna make sure they still like me. i act nice when i dont feel that way towards people because i dont know if ill regret ending relationships with them.

i forget that maybe i could do better. maybe i dont need to break friendships nicely, pretend everything is normal and ok when it is not. maybe i deserve better than that. maybe there will be toher friends, just as good if not better. maybe i should remind myself that if im worth what i had in the first place, then i can certainly get all those things and more back again.

love lies bleeding in my hands.

give me something to believe in
cause i dont believe in you
anymore
anymore.

ive noted that the older i get, the more i learn about myself. my tendencies, my stregnths, my weaknesses, my abilities, my moods, my thought processes. the friends i make and the people i interact with (or choose not to interact with) i believe are largely based on the portrait i paint of myself. as the things i learn about myself change, the types of people and the individuals themselves that i surround myself with change in accordance. it may seem sad at the time, but the truth, i believe, is that it's all just part of the cycle of becoming the person you should be.

so im thinking about my senior girls: jenny, heather, alex, others. they are all in the same spot i was last year. i put myself back in that place and realize how much i have learned and grown in the past year.

so i tested the waters a bit. tried some things out. carried on relationships that i'll never forget, though some days i probably wish i could. in the end i believe i learned that just as much happiness can be experienced through the more steady (read: boring) relationships i have with people than the wild crazy passionate interesting ones.

i mean sure, who doesn't love to be swept of their feet by someone who turns their world upside down and shakes everything theyve ever thought about the universe into pieces? its exciting, its different, its fun and ill be the first to admit its life changing, much for the better.

but in that case the highs are so high but the lows are that much lower. there are certain things you look for: honesty, availability, accountability and theyre just not there in this kind of relationship.

then theres the slow and steady relationship. it may not be exciting or passionate or revolutionary, but above all else it is true to its core. you wont spend weeks upon weeks in ecstacy, but you also wont spend weeks upon weeks in deep depression with this relationship.

at the end of the day though some may argue this allows for little or no personal growth, i choose the slow and steady. and to those who say this hinders growth i say this to you: change must come from within. sure others are often catalysts for change in our lives, but only YOU truly know yourself and YOU know what needs to change. no one can do that for you and you shouldnt allow them to. that being said i now take complete credit for the changes made in my life and in my views, a special thanks to those who helped me along the way, but truth be told you didnt do the hard work; i did.

with the slow and steady, i feel cared for all the time not just when its convinent. with the slow and steady, honesty is the name of the game, and that feels nice. with the slow and steady,time is not spent in overdramatized arguments.

i am very thankful to all the people i have in my life who roll slow and steady.

the stupid girl.

i remember a day several months ago. i looked pretty that day. i had just come from the place i used to work. i had my boots and my pencil skirt and that cardigan everyone always compliments me on on. my hair looked nice and my mascara curled my lashes such that i looked lovely, irresistible if you will.

it was warm for december, but then again last winter was mild in general. i hadnt been home from school long at all, but it felt good to be here. endless possibilities stretched out before me on the long break ahead.

i remember conversation, laughter, comfort once again. the warm feeling of being around someone i care about and someone who really knew me and had seen me in all lights instead of the superficial plasticity of my newfound so called college friends.

i remember the feeling of sheets cool against my face, burying my head into the pillow of a familiar place. i remember the feeling of friendship, of more than that, of closeness.

then i remember the cold sharp sting. the ripping pain. the heavy drop in my stomach. the bastard hands that pushed me away, that told me no, nevermind, i dont want you.

the question of right and wrong and what worked out for the best is not something im here to discuss today. im here to say that there are some things from which you can never recover.

i remember walking down the front porch steps back to my car that day with a feeling of resolve. i felt good. the incident: forgotten.

but i was not fine. maybe i never will be fine.

because of that day and so many others, i am regularly reminded of what i stupid girl i am. some days it goes away, but the right events, the right words out of someones mouth, the right phase of the moon can always bring it back.

and now, because of that day and so many others before it, i feel stupid for spending time making myself beautiful. i feel stupid for trying to be romantic. i feel stupid for trying to be sexy. i feel stupid for believing that i could ever be someones somebody. i feel stupid for thinking i am important. i feel stupid for believing i am something other than an object to anyone.

maybe that day and so many others before it is just an easy target for me to blame for the way i feel and the way i am today. maybe its no ones fault but my own. maybe those events didnt really shape who i am now.

but im not so sure anyone could understand until they feel the cold deceptive fondling touch of outright rejection.

so this blog is slowly becoming just a weekly thing haha. i used to depend on it more i think. the emotional highs and lows had to go somewhere outside of myself, and im sure my friends were sick of hearing about it over and over, if they were even there at all. now i dont feel quite so manic anymore, though i do want to keep this thing going. its been an excellent record of the past year and half and been a very interesting thing to look back upon after the fact.

hey!
you know what i forgot to do?
recap the school year in song duh.
so here goes:

August: World-Five for Fighting (basically the entire Two Lights album)

September :(and the rest of the year pretty much): Continuum-John Mayer with an emphasis on Stop This Train, Dreaming with a Broken Heart, Belief, and Slow Dancing in a Burning Room.

October:The Arts and Crafts Sampler Album as well as Broken Social Scene-Shoreline

November: Romulus-Sufjan Stevens and the Outtakes and Rarities Album also by Sufjan Stevens.

December: 9 (the album) bye Damien Rice, more specifically Accidental Babies and Rootless Tree and Headlock-Imogen Heap

January: I dont really remember anything about January and it was kinda a fucked up month...lets forget that month

February: Cupid's Chokehold-Gym Class Heroes, So Contagiously-Acceptance, Legacy- Nicole Nordeman

March: Cruel as School Children (album) by Gym Class Heroes (SB07 duh), Phantoms (album) by Acceptance, Puzzle (album) by Tahiti 80

April: The Light in Your Eyes and There Goes the Neighborhood both by Sheryl Crow, Say You Will-Fleetwood Mac, Eleanor Rigby-The Beatles, Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)-Arcade Fire

So there you have it, my year in music. It certainly brings back a lotttt of memories. I believe that second only to scent, music is the strongest evoker of memories.

I'll be writing in this again soon. with no job in site and not much else to do i should have plenty of free time on my hands...plus i forgot how much i like doing this haha.

farewell to the 305.

well im sitting here at 515pm scarfing down popcorn because its the only thing left in my dorm room that looks remotely appealing. all the things i brought to make this place have the comforts of home are gone: my photographs, a rug, george foreman grill and of course the television for greys anatomy. i, as are my two comrades ebeth and porterhouse, am waiting for the grand finale of all this mess. i check out tomorrow morning at 1030 and then is 75 south to freedomland aka: summer at home.

the 305 has been good to me. save the trains and construction outside at all hours of the night and morning, the lack of hot water in the shower at times and my microwave's inability to evenly heat anything, this has been a great experience. i am proud to say that i won the tally of most visitors throughout the year with a total of ten, though i did not take the first to have a boy spend the night title, that was unofficially taken by helen, though i was not far behind. we will end our year much like our friendship began, with a dinner of green bean fries and oreo cake, a few bottles of wine and some good stories, surely to end up with me rolling around on the floor, though i can only hope ill have enough time to sweep up all the skank nasty dust bunnies before this is to occur. there has really been no time or want to be sentimental about this whole year ending thing, and im ok with that. if have learned anything from being at least 200 miles away from all my high school friends it is this: the ones you are meant to stay in touch with you will. obviously its something you have to work at, but if the friendship is truly there, you will make the efforts. i have even grown closer to some people being apart than i was when we were together...hell i even got a boyfriend out of it. so thats why i dont get sad about this, im living with one of the 305 gangstas next year, and the other two, well we'll see how it goes.

though the weeks and days drug on and the classes seemed like they might never end, this year in truth has been the shortest one yet. a lot of growing up has gone down in the past year, and ive learned a lot about myself, as usual. this year has been one long struggle for sanity and identity. i spent much of the year questioning who i was and where i was going. i contemplated my future. i went crazy. i regretted not regretting that i went crazy. but just as soon as you can swing yourself one way, you can turn it back around...if thats indeed what you want to do. at the end of the day, that i s what i wanted to do, so i did.

i still havent found my niche here at ut. im adjusting more each and every day. it still concerns me that im at the top of the art program. im not sure ill stay here for the next three years. but its only three years. but then again you just never know where youll be led. never say never. i keep reminding myself how many times ive found that to be oh so true in my life and in the lives of those around me.

so how can i sum up the fresman experience? in coach coyle's words its been real and its been fun, but its not been real fun. nothing horrible happened, but nothing amazing did either. i cant complain, but i cant brag either. but its not about the good things or the bad things, its about the experience. ive been down a path and through scenarios i may not have ever expected before. ive grown up a little bit and regained myself, albeit a new self.

i leave this for my high school senior friends:
enjoy the rest of school and summer, you want to get out so badly, but there are things you'll miss when youre gone. love your family, theyre the one sure thing youve got. dont let anything scare you and dont judge. campbells microwavable soups will get you through the winter. dont hang around the frat houses too much, dont get drunk with people you dont know well and dont ever forget who you are even if youre not sure who that person is at the time.

so i bid the 305 a fond farewell. happy summer to all, ill be seeing you soon.

drift.

helen sent me this picture today. this is us on the day of move in way back in august. note how gross and awkward we look. so much has changed (at least i like to think that) i think this picture email came at the perfect time to be included in my blog.

a school year has come and gone (basically, lets nevermind the fact that ive got three finals ahead of me next week and a lot of prep work for said finals that i am currently in the process of avoiding). i cant believe how fast its gone by. when i think about individual weeks at a time, longing for my next trip down 75-south, things seem to have moved very very slowly, but as a whole this has been the fastest school year yet. however i cant say im sad that it went by so quickly. freshman year is awkward and strange and takes a lot of adjusting. freshman year being over? not such a sad prospect to me. i see it as a victory that i actually made it through a whole year without jumping out my dorm room window.

i spent a lot of time by myself this year. not sure if thats a good or bad thing. i could go either way on the issue. once again, i proved to myself that im quite independent. independence can be a bad thing, shutting people out and such, but ive realized even moreso what a gift i have of not having to rely on other people for things. this ability has allowed me to grow going off to school without having other people tell me how to be or what to do. the independence has also shielded me a little bit from getting hurt. sure i got hurt my fair share, but independence can function as a defense mechanism in the right situations. this year i did some things im not proud of, maybe even lost myself a little bit, but i wonder if you ever really know who you truly are if you dont step outside yourself for a few minutes and be someone else. i appreciate my life, the GOOD people around me and myself as a person so much more because of what i allowed myself to do and who i allowed myself to be there for that little while. im not proud of it, and i can live the rest of my life without repeating it, but now i see the positive that has come out of it.

i dont know what the next few years will bring. i think back to a year ago and think about who i was and who i thought i would be and how i thought my college life would be and realize how dead wrong i was. here i sit on the first of may, 2007 a sorority girl, art student, with two good friends in college, five pounds lighter, with the high school sweetheart boyfriend. its not exactly how i pictured myself, which is what makes me question the future all that much more. if i had no idea how my life would be a year ago, how can i have any perception of how it will be in another year, two years, by graduation?

but you cant do that to yourself. its a losing battle. no one can predict the future and trying is suicidal. last night i spoke with a friend about her and her boyfriend's relationship. she had some reservations about their future. she posed some questions that i myself have thought about, but dont want to. this conversation was a little unnerving for me, a girl in a new relationship that i really want to be successful. jordan and i talked about it too and i felt better. wandering aimlessly around my house this morning the final verdict on the situation occurred to me: stop making such a big deal out of everything! with my newfound relationship as well as with my friend's relationship, we are not losing anything. we are never losing. even if it ends we dont lose a thing. and if you think of things in terms of losing, you're only setting yourself up for unneccesary worry and grief. i have not gained a boyfriend. i dont have a boyfriend, i have a new best friend. and if that should end then it will be no more than the drifting away of two friends. it is indeed sad, but its happened to me before. looking at this situation as a friendship feels so much more right, and i feel like viewing this relationship as a friendship meakes it more real and true. theres no need to worry about the future. worries about the future are always incorrect and unwarranted.

life is crazyyyyy. it hurts my brain to try and figure it out.

so maybe i should just stop trying and go with it.

seriousness is for old people and librarians.

"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, we have only today, let us begin"
-helen keller