the pms manifesto aka: way to go eve.

i sometimes wonder if i could come back to earth as a boy, would i?

i mean ive never been a boy so im sure it has its fair share of disadvantages. but id dare say its got some quite hefty advantages as well.

no more hours spent in the bathroom shaving legs waxing brows and depilitating unmentionables. boys can be as hairy as they want and it most arenas it is found to be socially acceptable.

no more stupid girl problems, drams, she said she saids and gossipy bullshit. when guys have problems they just hit each other, someone wins and its done.

but i think greatest of all these things, the overwhelming advantage that the male race has over women is the lack of pms and the horror that surely follows it each and every month.

ok, so im not going to get graphic here dont worry. i know there are males out there reading this too, but im not sure i can pinpoint any aspect of a males life that requires him to be debilitated with migrane-level headaches, doubled over with muscular cramps or blow up to the size of snoopy on thanksgiving at the macys parade every 28 days. its every womans selling point on how we got shafted in the roles of the human race.

and who do we have to thank for this biological torture? why its miss eve herself. eve had a choice to save us all from this misery, but no, she would rather have had an apple than spare thousands of generations of bleeding women from their crampy, misconstrued, hormonal fate.

geez at least she coulda chosen a something a little more delectable and irresistable to the taste buds than an apple. a piece of chocolate cake, a pizza or at least some cheese its supposedly good for the bones which might have been a nice choice since now all the women on hormone therapy are getting OSTEOPEROSIS. i mean this was an important choice. hmm, do i keep the entire universe in harmony forever and ever? or do i eat an apple? cmon eve. seriously. way to drop the ball.

its ok eve, i forgive you. women have a higher body fat percentage than men. we get hungry. it was bound to happen one of these days. and for the record, i enjoy being a girl. we all have ouir days but i think girldom makes for a pretty interesting life. besides, girls get cuter shoes. so there.

push the pedal down, watch the world around fly by us.

im not sure what i want to accomplish in this entry. what i want to say. what i want to discuss. i became inspired to write again from my trip to hawaii. the trip was amazing and i love everything about hawaii and if i had to relocate tomorrow thats the first place i would go.

while there i got to work with a local photographer. i asked him how he got started and he told me he just started showing up at a resort near his house and photographing families on vacation. he would run the film home and process it and come back with prints the next day. it blossomed from that and eventually he was doing it for real.

ive been around enough photographers to finally realize that that is how its done: you make your own way. your future becomes what you want it to be. kelly went to the art institute for photography and has now settled in a job working around photography but not with it. im sure she could be great if she struck out on her own, but i just dont see that happening right now. belton moved to california. now hes working around people like mandy moore and sarah michelle geller. belton and kelly both have made their own way, but with very different aspirations in mind. i prefer the belton method.

the hawaii trip gave me time to sit back relax and just think. its something i havent done in a while because ive been so busy trying to cram all the pleasures of home into a seemingly miniscule summer. in the end i came to a singular conclusion: over the past year, i grew up.

ive always been mature for my age, but even the mature have issues along the way. i spent a lot of time with myself, and when you have nowhere else to turn and no one else to rely on that makes you a very strong. yes i was meek. i was shy. i was ashamed that when my friends from home came to visit me at school i couldnt show them a good time because i didnt know what one was. but in the end it made me strong.

it was a long road to get to strength though. in one simple moment at the end of last summer, i felt quite worthless. its almost like when someone who supposedly cares about you lets you go, you wonder to yourself "if that person of all people doesnt care, then i guess no one does...and then again neither should i care about me"

so i stopped caring about me. i did whatever and went with the flow and by the end of january i found myself at an emotional breaking point.

so i moved on. i pretended to delve into my schoolwork for the remainder of spring semester. i developed a relationship with jbh. i may have even started to like my sorority, kinda.

and thats what i did.

then i came back here and found my art again and slept in a comfy bed and spent time with the ones i love and achieved some assimilitude of familiarity once again.

but ill never achieve paradise. home has its deamons as well. they never fail to return at my doorstep pushing my limits and asking me questions i don want to entertain. im dealing with these deamons one by one each day.

maybe i dont see the real changes in me over the past year. maybe ive become a coldhearted bitch. maybe im not interesting. maybe im becoming my parents. maybe i think im better than everyone else.

im not really sure of anything else, but i am sure that i feel stronger. its something im working on everyday. jbh says i have a tendency to go along with anything anyone tells me just to avoid conflict or having someone dislike me. hes absolutely right and i know this. and ovbiously being disliked is not really something anyone wants to be, but there are times when its for the cause of self defense. you can shoot someone in self defense and not be charged for murder.

so thats where im at. working each day to try to convince myself that i am in fact worth someting despite how i may have felt in the past.

and thats why last tuesday i cried for an hour.
and thats why in my relationship i feel like im getting the better end of the deal.
and thats why im ready to stop dealing with the fallout of last year, and start seeing the good that has come, the strength and most important enjoy my newfound highly-improved ecstacy.

this has been long and disconbobbled and i apologize to anyone who tried to read this for that. i leave you with a word from my favorite poet pablo neruda:

Love, a question
has destroyed you.

I have come back to you
from thorny uncertainty.

I want you straight as
the sword or the road.

But you insist
on keeping a nook
of a shadow that i do not want.

hello internet world, its good to see you again.

well, its been awhile. that is for a few reasons. i truly have been quite busy over the past month, and i couldnt be happier about that. lots and lots of photography, making money (yay finally) and of course last but certainly not least spending time with the increasingly wonderful jbomb hottie (i believe that for the purposes of internet shorthand and to avoid any confusion with previous jordans in my life ill call him jbh from here on out haha). yes home has certainly been wonderful for a multitude of reasons. i only regret that i feel distant from most of my girlfriends here at home. i knew we would grow apart, i guess i just didnt expect it to happen this quickly. but i suppose thats the punishment i get for staying stagnant for an entire year while everyone else moved on with their lives. no matter, the truly important people in my life are right where i left them and they always will be.

in addition to my business i havent written due to a lack of material. this blog has become such a breeding ground for my gripes and complaints and infinite sadnesses about life that its almost like when things are going well i feel no need to write.

then i had doubts. i considered shutting down this blog. then i considered making a new private one. i feel like i havent really been able to write all i feel in this because it has a tendency to upset people (and no jbh im not talking to you). the truth is, im neurotic and often make up problems and anxieties in my head that in fact do not exist in real life, but i write them here and then people freak out. but im tired of having to put little disclaimers on everything i say. so maybe this shouldnt be out there for the public to see...

...but then again youve all had a year and a half long glimpse into my mind. if the writings went away youd still know the kinds of things i was thinking, you just wouldnt have written specifics, and maybe knowing the things i would never say would hurt even more.

i dunno.

but ive gotten used to this thing over time and after i came home from hawaii i really wanted to get back into writing in this. i got totally inspired to write about how great everything was and my newfound optimism. somehow today that got semi thrown out the window for reasons i wont mention explicitly here.

well writing one really long entry seems really intimidating right now. so ill split it up.