warm up.

it has been a while. my apologies to those who care haha. the past week and a half have been absolutely insane. my mom came up and helped me move out and we were gone on the 13th. came home, had a party on Saturday, spent a few days trying to move all my furniture around and all my junk out of the way, did some last minute Christmas shoppping, went to a job interview, did some photography, went back to knox on friday, moved all my furniture out, came back friday night, spent saturday trying to get it in the house, left sunday morning for alabama, came back monday evening went directly to jordans and hit the bed monday night wanting to sleep forever.

christmas was great, a sigh of relief if you will. my house is still a wreck. every time i try to go anywhere i cant find any of my stuff. but i loved just being home and not having to go anywhere and relaxing and not thinking about my lack of job or my worries about school and the future and school in the future. i just forgot about that all and ate the food and didnt count the calories and laughed about stupid memories and home videos and promenade movies. i got everything i could have wanted (adobe creative suite, some converse all stars some lovely clothes and ironically two umbrellas haha) my dad surprised jordan with a taylor guitar. and after all the stress and all the worrying and the million trips up and down the stairs of my house and apartment, i just got to chill with my four favorite people (+ one dog) in the world. that's a christmas.

now im left once again concerned about what's next. today i suppose i will begin to clean up the mess of furniture and books and magazines and clothes and art i have left all over our house and begin to reorganize my life in a different place.

ive packed a change of clothes cause its time to move on.

crossing slowly such a big bridge. we'll all make mistakes along the way. so just hold your breath and take a step into, into whatever comes after. if you think this could be what you want, you just gotta try.

it seems as though caitlyn had the perfect aim away message for me today so i put it here haha.

its my last full day in the knox. fittingly, its rainy and dreary, but oddly warm for december. we signed the subleases this morning, but im still not sure i feel this is really real. i have to say that if my time here at ut could have been anything remotely like what the past few weeks here have been like for me, there's no doubt i would have stayed. formal, christmas parties, watching movies with ebeth and sam, finishing up school, jordan visiting and going to gatlinburg, random trips out for ice cream and of course monday night dinners have made the past few weeks truly good ones. i guess its nice to be able to say that i went out on a good note. i have no grudge about ut. i think its a wonderful school and will continue to rise in its standings in the years to come. my bad experiences here were frankly self-induced. the people im close to here have been wonderful and i will still cheer for tennessee because i was born and raised a volunteer. i will still uphold that this area of the country (not so much the ut campus or the city of knoxville aka mini detroit as belton likes to call it) is much more beautiful than middle georgia with its rolling hills and the smokey mountains in the distance. i have seen some of the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets of my life over the tennessee river.

perhaps if i gave all this one more semester to pan out, things would be fine. sometimes when i think about it logically, its quite stupid of me to go anywhere else. im already established here, ive already made headway in my program here. now i get to go erase all that to start over. at least if i dont get into my major here i have a backup plan, at georgia there is no plan. i guess panic is the plan. everyone else seems to think that me going to georgia is the easy way out, like im going to have this paradise of a life sitting before me on a silver platter as soon as i get there. maybe im just being stupid but i dont think its that way at all. im going into a harder program at a campus i dont know with a lot of odds stacked against me. im walking into people's lives who used to be a part of mine, but now have new lives of their own. i dont fit into that new picture. so no, its not all cherry pies and chocolate cake, its going to be hard, and its going to hurt. its going to make me doubt whether ive done the right thing, but i dont know what else im supposed to do.

i dont feel like analyzing it anymore, why things happened the way they did. why i changed my mind. what may or may not happen next. im too tired to deal with it all anymore. the plans are set and i doubt theyll change. ive got to remember to take this all one day at a time. its too early to be worrying about what happens in nine months. i cant do that to myself.

when i apologized to my dad about wasting a lot of his money on out of state tuition for, in the end no reason. he rejected my apology. he said he was paying for an experience, and he was right. even though im coming home i feel like i did do something here. if i had to stick it out here, if there was no way out, i could find a way. i can go to a city knowing no one and somehow find my way around and find the best grocery store and make a small appearance on the scene and stay alive. at the age of twenty i know i am capable of doing all of these things. and maybe thats what he payed for. and thats what i have that some people dont. its not right or wrong its just part of the experience.

this is all been an exercise in learning who i am. when you disconnect yourself from all the people who've known you forever and know you so well you find out a lot about yourself. im a loner. im an only child independent loner who only lives for herself. im selfish and reserved and feel insecure in broad social situations. being out alone after dark makes me uncomfortable as does not having any cash on my person. i cant stand the smell of sauted mushrooms and i dont think its a good idea for me to live with other virgos. i can create a grilled cheese via four different cooking methods and though i cant read a map, i can figure out where roads go. i dont like sleeping alone anymore and i am slightly dyslexic.

i have a lot to learn and it starts with me. the next thing i need to learn is how to be in a relationship, how to truly become unselfish and understanding. how to compromise and how to care. ive got a lot of work to do, but first i have a lot of packing to go.

it feels like this is the day ive waited for since i got here a year and a half ago; im going home.

I'm staring out into the night
Trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain

The miles are getting longer, it seems
The closer I get to you
I've not always been the best man or friend for you
But your love, it makes true
And I don't know why
You always seem to give me another try

So I'm going home
Back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I'm not running from
No, I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home
I'm going home


Balls to the walls eyes faced forward headstrong not looking back.

kinkos? no dude, f*** kinkos!

it's official: the end of the semester is kicking my ass. i have an exam in art history in about three hours and i have just lost all desire to look at another one of albrecht durers representations of Christ carrying the cross. theres so much going on right now: studying, finishing projects, a shit ton of really bad writing, packing, trying to get these mofos to sign my sublease, getting all contraband items out of my apartment, getting ready for orientation at my new school (my head is spinning after the spanish qualifying exam i just took, its been way too long). so like ive been saying, i have had a lot on my mind. then i went to kinkos...

i had to get some stuff printed for my gd final. i went to kinkos the night before it was due, i suppose a mistake on my part, but it wasnt due until four the next day so i had time. i walk in the store and the guy freaks out and says they are super busy and they cant take the two seconds it would take for them to print my six 8.5x11 color pages so i have to do this self service thing.

now ill pref this by saying that im not much of a self service kind of person. i enjoy the self checkout at kroger when i only have a few items and everyone else has 34809, and theres no need to pay extra for gas just to have a dude in a jumpsuit come pump it for you anymore. but i feel these days the idea of self service may have gotten a little out of hand. im not a business person, but i do understand that self service improves efficiency and frees up employee time to be running more important aspects of the business, but we also have to think of customer satisfaction here. and i am an unsatisfied customer. here is why.

so im like i dont really want to do this whole self service thing because the whole reason i go to kinkos rather than just printing it on my perfectly good printer here is because they have a good supply of nice paper and printers that do a better job than mine can. at only a little over a dollar a sheet, i think its worth it. im looking at this inkjet business theyve got going on in the self area with an eye of suspicion, so i ask the guy if the print quality will be good, he says yes. i ask if i can see some of the paper. its not as good as what i usually get, but its not see through and that was all that mattered to me. the guy asks for my credit card and shoves it into this slot at the computer. i am now being charged twenty cents a minute just for breathing in this room. i frantically rush to the computer, precious dollars ticking out of my account with every passing moment, to try to print my documents with as little fiscal harm as possible.

i print the first document. it is completely cropped off and ironically turned sideways. i know im a student, but im not an idiot, the document was set up just fine. i call homeboy over to help me and have to wait for five minutes as he helps a disoriented lady work the copy machine. again i hear "cha-ching" ringing in my ears as the minutes rack up on my credit card. homeboy comes and does something to the computer and i print the rest of my documents just fine.

i note that the colors are quite off on two of the prints, what should be bright purple is now a dull burgundy and what should be a soft golden is now a violent piss color. i remove my credit card which has now been charged over 14 dollars. i go to the counter to be reimbursed for the first two prints that got shot to hell. homeboy #2 helps me. i ask him why my purple now looks like the color of airplane seats and my yellow looks like someones bladder exploded all over my project. he takes my credit card and tells me it's probably because the machine is getting low on ink.

thats it.

why do you think i came here in the first place? to use a failing machine? YES! That is why i came! I wanted to make sure, that instead of looking like the brilliant masterpiece I spent hours creating on the computer, that my project looks like absolute shit! Thank you homeboy #2!

He gives me my card back. I wait for a receipt. He tells me I have to go to this machine to get a receipt. I sigh with defeat. The machines have taken over. I go up to the kiosk it tells me to put my card in. I swear, I've been shopping all day at the mall and not used my credit card this much. i stick my card in the machine, it wont take it. i consider breaking my card by forcing it into the machine in protest of this dumbassery, but decide that will only hurt myself. i march out of the store into the rain (they didnt give me a bag to protect my prints) having paid 12 dollars for something that should have cost me six, and thats with the nice paper.

in summation, even though the people at kinkos are complete dumbasses, they are nice. you cannot replace dumbassed-niceness with a machine of any kind. and i never did get my receipt.

i would like to write, but i dont have anything nice to say. maybe later i will.

on empty.

i think i may have officially run out of gas. i mean my sleep patterns have been normal, im not experiencing a lack of rest any moreso than usual, but what i mean is i cant really take this anymore. ive got pressure on me on all sides right now. its finals time, i know everyones under a lot of stress, but in addition to tons of work and test anxiety ive got added fun stuff: a room mate who gets on my case on an hourly basis about my lack of room mate situation as if i have complete control over the universe, im going back and forth with my next school making sure i have everything ready for next semester, im starting to think about packing up my things here, and im ending a whole chapter of my life which though im happy about the whole situation, its still emotional.i dont know why i cry anymore. i cant tell if its because im stressed out or because im relieved this will all be over soon or if its because im scared of whats next. honestly i think its a combination of the three.

i blame myself for ever wanting to leave here. at the end of the day its going to take so much effort and waste so much money and possibly even be hurtful to other people. sometimes i wonder why i couldnt just suck it up so i might not have caused so much damage.

type a.

Type A Personality Test

According to the scientific literature, the Type A Personality construct describes someone who is aggressively involved in a chronic, incessant struggle to achieve more and more in less and less time. The defining characteristics of the Type A Behavior Pattern (TABP) are a strong drive to succeed, hostility, competitiveness, perfectionism, a desire for recognition, wealth and advancement, difficulty talking about feelings, and a sense of urgency and impatience.

Snapshot Report

Impatience/Irritability
40 out of 100

Your interactions with others, while characterized by warmth and tolerance the majority of the time, may occasionally be tinged with impatience and hostility. When you’re stressed or frustrated, you may lash out at others or end up stewing in anger or frustration, but this is very rare. Since you generally trust others, you are usually willing to open up emotionally and value relationships for the sake of the people involved, instead of what they can do for you. This is fortunate because a high amount of this aspect of the Type A Behavior Pattern (TABP) can not only be extremely harmful to relationships, it is also very damaging to your health. While originally it was thought that global TABP was the culprit in coronary heart disease, research now shows that hostility, impatience, and other related traits are the real source of the problem. Based on your results here, you are likely not at a very elevated risk of heart disease, but keep in mind that there are other causes unrelated to the TABP, such as poor diet, lack of exercise, and smoking, among other things.


ok i know i know its my second entry of the day. but its raining and im feeling kinda down and i have nothing else better to do but im not quite ready for sleep just yet. i started wondering about type a and type b personalities this afternoon, and it made me wonder where i fell on the spectrum. so i took a few tests and they all came out relatively the same, the results being shown above.

ive run across a few very much so type a people in recent times. one being a girl who is in several of my classes (an art major, imagine that, not exactly where youd think to find a type a person). she craves structure, her work must be technically perfect. she doesnt understand when she doesnt get a's in a class and complains to the teacher about it.

my room mate is another excellent example of a type a. (im not trying to say that its such a horrible thing, although research has shown that those who bend more toward the type b direction are a little more socially balanced and healthier because of their calmer demeanor.) i feel like some days from the second she gets out of bed shes running. running to do her homework running to get things checked off her checklist running to, well, go running. she eats the healthiest meals all the time, she studies weeks before her exams, she exercises daily, she takes care of problems the second they arise. it all seems like a part of a really healthy lifestyle, but honestly witnessing it firsthand as i do just wears me out. it seems like a healthy lifestyle, but i dont think it is. all the calorie counting, academic stress and self criticism seem to take their toll over time.

as i sat in my room able to hear her sobbing on the phone tonight about how horribly guilty she felt for going out and drinking last night i wanted to go to her and shake her and tell her that its ok to live and to feel and get your heart broken and be stupid and not plan out every little detail and not be in total control and not worry all the time. why do you do this to yourself? if all you ever want to be is perfect, youll be constantly disappointed.

dont get me wrong, ive got type a tendencies too. i know what it feels like to hit the floor in pain knowing youll never be good enough. i still feel like in some respects im letting my parents down by leaving here. in some ways i feel like im letting myself down by not sticking to my plans.

im thoroughly convinced life can be done in a very orderly and organized fashion. it can be done in a way that will never catch you off guard and never leave you hurt or lonely. it can be done cleanly with good hygiene and perfect morals. at can be alphabetized and categorized by name.

but when the shit goes down thats where you grow. thats where you pick yourself up out of the dust and mold and mildew and grime and you shake it off and you understand the world just a little bit better. thats where you see who you really are and what you can really do when youre pushed to the limits. no teacher or rulebook or computer program can do that for you. youll never be graded on it on a 4.0 scale, but who the hell really cares? the grades dont matter, its what you know that does. and some of the most unplanned, unconventional, bizarre, random, inexcusable, and incontrollable things that ive encountered in my life have been the ones that taught me the most.

its raining and its sunday and its almost time for finals. as i sit alone in my bed in my room in my apartment in tennessee once again, and watch the rain do beautiful things on my window in the light of that skanky orange streetlight, i encourage you all to live a little, and taking my own advice i hope everything will be alright.

rollercoaster.

damn what a weekend. im tired, sore and recovering from a mild wine headache from last night. this weekend encompassed many things. discovery health channel documentaries about sex (very interesting, btw you should check it out), discussing classy christmas parties, sex stores, funnel cakes, rednecks, ravioli, hairdressing, hauling my drunk room mate around and not quite enough sleep. it was great.

this weekend was formal and it was a lot of fun. my room mate tagged along and it was at a bank of all places. she kissed jordan on the bus on the way home and almost drove both of us insane haha.

as my friends said goodbye to jordan, they said goodbye to him for good. he's not coming back for another visit and i wont be back next semester. i think when they were saying bye to jordan it really hit me. damn, in a week and a half this is all over. over for real. for so long i felt like i was on a rollercoaster. like i had gotten on a ride i didnt want to be on, and there was no hope of stopping until it was over in its right time. no emergency breaks, no emergency exits, you stay strapped into your seat until its done. its the worst feeling in the world. but i got lucky, someone gave me a free pass to tell the driver to pull over and let me off. what a glorious thing, but where do i go after i get off? what will become of me? i look to the future with optimism, but everything is so unclear and mainly comprised of spur of the moment decisions that i can make no assumptions of what the picture of my future will be like.

are we ever really free?