Play time for stupid Americans.

I should be getting ready for work right now. I'm working 35 hours this week at my PART TIME job haha. Not really part time if you ask me. But it's ok, I will be happy to have the money in my pocket come next year. The past few weeks have been a completely exhausting mish mash of overbooked work schedules, crudely thrown dinner parties, and some good times in between. It's hotel angie time again, but this year has a different feel for it than the past two. Perhaps since I've lived on my own it's not really a big deal that I'm living alone for a bit again. Plus I've been so utterly busy with work I have no time to think about much of anything. With all the fray and the run around I still can't help but hope that one day I can steal a few hours of an afternoon or evening to myself with nothing to do, no plans, no obligations, no other people around and play a little bit. The kind of play where a paintbrush hits the paper or scissors, paper and glue become a masterpiece. Not done for money or assignment, but for myself. Gas prices are rising, war is happening, the election is a damn chicken fight, tomatoes are making people sick, cancer is on the rise with no cure in sight, death cab's album kinda sucked, and the economy continues to plummet downward, but I just can't deal with that today. The media loves to create chaos out of even the most mundane situations, and I kinda can't handle it anymore. You can call me ignorant for choosing to turn the other cheek, for refusing to play into this madness, but I'm tired of worrying myself sick over global issues that are largely out of my control. Maybe I am just a stupid American, but I'm young, and right now, I just want to play.

PS I dont think I want to be a commercial photographer anymore. If you're getting married let me know : )

im sitting in my room of an empty house watching this ridiculous 1966 movie entitled Lord Love a Duck. despite its outdatedness and slight cheesballocity im enjoying it. people tend to refer to the past as "simpler times" but i like to refer to it as a time of different interests. i doubt things were simpler then or more complicated now, but our interests have changed, or attitudes have changed, and perhaps our outlooks have changed, but that shouldn't mean all gloom and doom.

in recent times ive found myself finally realizing the fact that i am indeed alone at this time. its not the best of feelings believe me, in fact its been a little devastating. covering up my time and my feelings with extra pile ons of work doesnt really seem to remedy the situation. ive come to realize i dont have as many people to talk to, really talk to, as i once did. this is hard for me seeing as to how i am a talker by nature.

i read this thing about virgos, which i am one, and even though i dont fully believe in astrology the traits assigned to my sign match up pretty well with how i really am. one trait virgos possess is indecisiveness. now of course the obvious translation of this is not being able to decide where to go for dinner, or spending forever in the dressing room, but it extends further then that. virgos have a tendency to make a decision, then instead of questioning the decision itself, they question themselves, their character, their personality instead. they search for flaws, diseases and mishaps. they wonder if things that went wrong are of their own fault instead of a circumstantial issue.

dead on astrologers, dead on.

so in an effort to avoid the inevitable, ive been immersing myself in work, tiring myself out till im sore and sleepy and cant go anymore. but theres only so much work to be done.

i cant watch the news anymore. i know a lot of people say that but i really cant. as big of a worrier as i am, i just cant handle it. these news organizations dont even make an effort to bring a positive light to anything, and its just too much to handle sometimes. i would like to think that ill live to be old enough to be married and have that kind of relationship and maybe have a child or two and live out my days before the glaciers melt and everyone dies and the asteroids set fire to the earth and gas prices soar to unfathomable places and world war three ensues. id like to think in my lifetime i can avoid all these things. watching the news doesnt help keep that outlook. so i just cant anymore.

amidst all the worry, the concern, the tears, the second thoughts, the fear and the feelings of being alone, i found myself at a wedding this past weekend. the perfect place for someone in my current state of mind haha. as the super duper professional that i am i found myself crying instead of photographing during the toasts. i dont even remember what the best man said, but apparently it hit me just right, or wrong i suppose. the bride and groom get up to take their second dance and all others are invited to the floor. amidst the young couples there is this one older couple. dancing the foxtrot. to jason mraz. im supposed to be clicking away but i am too entranced by this couple dancing in this old fashioned way to this very new fashioned song. the couple turns and i find the man facing me with this huge grin on his face and he is so happy. a dance from not simpler times, just different ones, but either way, its timeless. its a forever kind of dance. it was then that i was reminded that the beautiful and the good is all around, its just a matter of accepting it when it comes and recognizing it when its there.

im keeping the faith that ill be ok.

ps: orientation in athens on friday, if anyone wants to have lunch with a lonely awkward girl come to snelling at around 1130 or 12. if i know me ill be sitting alone haha

june?

i cant believe its june already. ive been out of school for exactly one month and it sure doesnt feel like ive done much with that month. truth be told im getting kind of exhausted, i did it to myself though and i cant really complain. technically speaking i am holding four part time jobs right now and doing some other work on the side. i guess since im not doing earth-shattering things this summer like traveling abroad or bungy jumping off bridges or landing some sweet internship in nyc ive taken it upon myself to earn as much money as i feasibly can in this period of time and perhaps next year i can stop worrying about money for five seconds and enjoy myself a little bit. this the rest of this week is going to be a toughie: photoshoot early tomorrow morning lasting all day, then from there i go directly to reffing a swim meet until probably about 10pm. errands friday morning then work till 10pm. wake up at 630 saturday morning, shoot a wedding till five, relax at the lake that evening and be back in the city in time for work at noon on sunday.

no wonder i keep wanting a vacation haha.

i have a chronic issue with wanting to spread myself too thin and then complaining about it once it all kicks into gear, but the thing is sometimes being so busy is the closest thing i have to escaping from my problems. obviously it does create additional stress that may outweigh its other benefits, but when im really busy i dont have time to think about unrelated problems and i dont have as much time to worry. about unrelated things. i guess its my way of running away without running away.

probably not healthy.

i dont have time to worry about healthy today. maybe next week.