technical difficulties.

this is our decision
to live fast and die young
we've got the vision

now lets have some fun.

artistic frustration out the ass. i can decide what to do with my final drawing. its a mess more or less. my metz has also decided to crap out, fuck me!

i put a piece of paper on my wall today. its quite oddly shaped. im not really what you would call "the shit" at tearing newsprint or anything. for now it sits blank which is a very difficult state of being for a piece of paper. however once i grow a pair and get over myself it will be where my ideas for new projects go.

you dont understand how excited i am. this kind of stuff gets my blood pumping more than anything.
well almost anything.
but theres nothing worse to the psyche than a piece of blank paper. and thats what ive been for the past few years. blank paper with a pencil hovering millimeters above ready to scribble away, but never getting quite close enough to make that initial mark. because transferring your ideas from your head to a visible place where others can see is a very very vulnerable thing. its arguably the scariest place to be. i havent felt comfortable inside or outside of myself in a long time, so why should what i have to say matter or be good or be worth anyone's time? it may not be, but the process alone is probably worth my time.

there was a time, probably relatively around the time the above photography was taken, when i felt wreckless with my ideas. then something, im not sure what, happened and since then ive felt like the pencil lurching painfully close to the paper. the shield against vulnerability melted away and since then ive been sitting. met with my ideas sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves but never getting anything done.

i have an ever increasing vision.
i have the knowledge.
i have the resources and the means.
i have no excuses anymore.

the stars fell on alabama.

im home in georgia now, enjoying whats left of the thanksgiving break. thinking back and realizing that a year ago I was beginning to move back here and open a new chapter of my life whilst closing another is crazy to me. feels like yesterday. yes, i know its a trite thing to say. it feels weird being here. my little temporary life in my temporary room. i dont like this, but i dont know how i feel or how im supposed to feel about it anymore. its an almost out of body experience kind of thing. i dont feel at home in athens, i feel quite uncomfortable there most of the time actually. the people have been great, school is going well, but im not comfortable there. athens doesnt belong to me and it never has. perhaps in time it will.

back here at home, i know i cant get too comfortable. even though nothing beats being home and all the comforts that go along with that i cant get too comfortable here right now. this place is a mess. i basically left it in a tornadic state. now i dont know where to begin again.

being in alabama always makes me think. i will never deny its where it came from because theres nothing wrong with it. i always try to remember it could have just as easily been me in the ranch farmhouse raising cotton and babies. am i better than this? absolutely not. thats an assumption far too many make of themselves. and to those i say stop being cocky bastards, it couldve been you.

but it wasnt and it isnt, but i am all too quickly reminded of the importance of taking control over your life. life deals you a set of cards, youve got no control over what you get, but how you play them is up to you. im a believer in fate, everything happens for a reason, etc etc garbage garbage. but i also feel that if you let life wash over you whatever way it chooses with no thought or reaction of your own, it will probably find a way to fuck you in the ass.

somehow.
it will.

i feel like ive learned a lot within the past year and whether or not ive used what ive learned to the greatest capacity is an argument for another day. but what i do know is that awareness is the first step to change, and i feel im becoming more aware. heres a few things

-the least successful, least happy, least interesting people are those who refuse to ask questions and be open to change big or small. the more you not only ask questions, but simultaneously seek answers to those questions, the more upward movement you can achieve.

-there are two schools of though about being optimistic: one is that being consistently optimistic will often make you "luckier" and make you a happier person. the second is that if you are never optimistic about anything you will never be disappointed and only pleasantly surprised when things do go right. they both work but the former makes you a much more pleasant person to be around. no one likes a negative nancy.

-always keep someone slightly crazy around. they will make your life interesting and always keep you entertained. but don't get too close to them, you dont want to deal with the cart fulls of baggage theyve got. coworkers always make good candidates, perhaps theyll get fired and you can get a raise. note: if the crazy person you have around is you...well, thats bad.

-endorphins make all the difference.

-kindness always comes back to you. sometimes its in small ways you may not notice at first, but it always does.

having our cake and eating it too.

omg so so sick what am i going to do. i think im allergic to my damn house. every time i leave im fine but upon my return i become ill again. what do you do when you're allergic to your own house?

i chose the above image to reflect my ever-growing sentiments that i feel are confirmed every day in my comings and goings. i feel like im some sort of weird mixture of ideals because much of the art i do has feminist undertones, but much of feminism i dont understand/ dont agree with. should all people be treated equally? yes! if that makes me a feminist then i suppose i am, however here's the rub: everyone should be treated so equal if thats what they want. that probably sounds somewhat strange, but i feel that people are only open to receiving amount of respect that they give themselves. so, if women cant respect themselves, im not so sure anyone else will. consider the following article published in the school newspaper last week that really ticked me off:
http://media.www.redandblack.com/media/storage/paper871/news/2008/11/05/Opinions/Birth.Control.Should.Remain.Accessible-3524497.shtml

Am i ticked off about birth control or abortion? No! Save that argument for another day, Lord knows anyone and everyone can go around in circles with that one for hours. Im mad about her attitude toward the subject. she makes it seem like females do or maybe should rely on emergency birth control as a regular method for dealing with mistakes made after "a night downtown".

Excuse me? thanks for making us all look awesome girl, you battle for the respect and equal treatment you say you deserve then proceed to wipe it all away with words that say "it should be ok to slut around"

and maybe it should. but really is that the picture you want to paint of the rest of us? you only get the respect you give yourself. i see girls do it all the time. getting drunk to erase the blame for their actions, because you see if you do something while drunk it automatically becomes a cure-all excuse for making stupid decisions and actions. then magically you can laugh about it the next day and not have anyone look down on you because you know it wasnt you, it was the alcohol.

have i done/said/thought stupid things while intoxicated? fuck yes! but its almost like some girls go out with the intent of using alcohol to mask their sometimes socially-less-acceptable intentions. is there anything wrong with this? i think so, but in reality there isnt anything wrong with it, but when you start demanding respect and equal treatment, thats where the real problem comes in. the more you objectify yourself, the less respect you can expect to receive.

so thats my take on feminism. i dont think its so radical. you cant have your cake and go down on it too ladies.

i need to work out, but i cant really do that until i feel better. being homeless isnt really a good option, so looks like ill be sniffling for a while haha.

fear of flying.

just playing around with some type on a photograph from this weekend. it needs some work and so do i...shit!

i spent my fall break in evanston, a suburb of chicago visiting alex. ive always wanted to go to chicago, and my dad always talked about taking a Christmas trip up there to see the lights and all during the holiday season. years have come and gone with those promises and i finally just took matters into my own hands and made the journey to chicago myself.

a friend told me it was gutsy of me to make the trip on my own. not sure if she was referring to the solo plane ride or the trip as a whole, but it really never crossed my mind. i dont like to fly but i know that is only because i dont do it very much. the time in between my air travel is littered with too many plane crash news stories and close call newspaper headlines that i assume every time i board a plane my number must be up this time. perhaps even more unnerving than that is going through airport security. remember that idiot in the uga hat that got hartsfield shut down for a whole damn day? yeah, who wants to be that guy? (that was not a good day for positive publicity for uga fans for sure) back to what i was saying, despite my superficial concerns about flying, i never batted an eye at the thought of traveling alone. in fact once i did arrive i ended up spending much my time alone, navigating the streets of chicago and its public transit system with no map, no alibi.

now let me preface this by saying there is a difference between challenging yourself and turning a blind eye to putting yourself in dangerous situations. believe me, i know that, but i love the idea of testing myself...in fact i need it every so often. i need to know that i can be on my own and be ok. not because i actually need to be on my own, but just to know that i can. ive come to terms with the fact that that was the single greatest reason why i went to ut. there was nothing so much grander about that school above all the others, but because it gave me the opportunity to test my sense of independence, make sure all the gears and wires within me were still working after years of lesser use. my great disappointment is that being back in georgia is easy, im no longer being tested on a daily basis, i no longer have to try to survive it just comes naturally.

so i need stuff like this. times where i just go and do my own thing on my own just to make sure i can, its something i think ill always need, for my own sanity's sake among other reasons.

my rooms a mess and i dont know where anything is, but i think ill send a few emails. im already ready to book more weddings. i need more funding to feed my insatiable wanderlust.