4/15/2006 12:19am

essential question of the day, maybe even of the week:

can one person love two people at once without slighting one or the other?


oh and also, prom's annoying.

4/11/06 5:08pm

Do you believe
in what you see?
Emotion is sweet
Nothing is real
I'm wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
in what you see?

It seems to be that the question of the day is this: am I wasting my time in the waiting line? Lord knows i've spent too much time in it previously, and now am i just doing more of the sad same? sometimes, something is good enough to deserve the wait, in fact, its so good it almost demands a wait. but other times it seems like waiting is something i should not have to do, it should be my right to jump ahead of the line. i dont want to sound like some spoiled demanding bitch who thinks she's above everything and everyone, but at the same time, i think that i deserve to be treated well. maybe i honestly just think too highly of myself, but i feel like im deservant of someone who loves me so much that he will do anything for me and truly wants to be with me, not be with me after he attends to the others in the line ahead of me. i guess its all just a matter of priorities, but my feeling is this: i've been in so many waiting lines in my life and im just tired of being the one sitting around waiting for things that dont happen or just end up hurting me.

love is a lot of things and i know i am far from understanding what true love is but i know this for sure: not everything is my fault and my responsibility. i shouldn't have to chase. and if i do, then that just makes me feel that much stupider for not running like hell when i saw the sign that says: "wait here".

4/10/06 8:02 pm

hmm i'm sure there's homework i should be doing now, but no matter...

when i got home from spring break, i noticed something very happy: the grass is green. also, the trees have leaves and they are green too. yay.

roswell high is much the same as when we all left it over a week ago, but still i cant help but get the feeling like something's different. I don't think i'm different, maybe a little....or maybe i am very different, i'm not quite sure. or maybe nothing is different really, i just have comfort in knowing that after i got through spring break i really didn't have any actual school left. this is exciting news. summer is awesome and here is why:
1. no school and therefore i only have to see the people from our school i actually like
2. i can see said likable people anytime i want because we got nothin but time
3. i can use my cell phone whenever i want!
4. the closest i get to any type of math is trying to figure out how much my new bikini will set me back if its on the 33% off rack
5. night swimming, need i say more

oh its gonna be a good one, i got a feeling this time : )

Meanwhile everyone is freaking out about prom. I would be freaking out too i'm sure (if i had a date). But i do not have a date and therefore am more excited about the weekend beforehand when i get to go to prom with a bunch of people i haven't seen since 5th grade and in truth don't know very well. That's a horrible attitude to have, but oh so true.

bitter anghst, oh how you follow me around.

4/8/06 3:19 pm

One last car ride: were on the way back to R-Town, which apparently was hit by multiple tornadoes last night. Geez, what a story to come home to. We can all hope that maybe the power wont be back on by Monday and well have a special day off of school. That would be totally ok with me, I could use a vacation from vacation. Traffic is absolutely a nightmare, and it looks like were about to run into a severe thunderstorm at any minute, but all is well.

Sometimes I think about who out of all my friends I will actually keep in touch with in the long run. As much as Id like to say that all my friends and I will still be getting together 20 years from now for pimento cheese sandwiches and juice spritzers, I dont think its realistic to say that we will all be best buds after this whole high school thing is over. Despite this, I know there are a select few that I will be sure to keep in touch with once this is all said and done, and the two girls I am with on this trip are sure to be part of that select few. Were very good together, we can be together for long periods of time, and never get tired of each other. Sometimes, my relationship with Kelley is nothing short of scary. We even share a salad perfectly: she really likes the light green crunchy lettuce that I dont care for, and I like the really bright green pieces; we both like the croutons, but not so much that we hog them from the other. Who else would I not only let call me a whore, fucking idiot, etc. but also laugh profusely at said nicknames? Good friends are hard to find, essential to life, and impossible to forget. This is true.

I care about my girlfriends a lot because they seem to know me better than I know myself much of the time. They provide candid and honest advice from an outside viewpoint that I think is so important to have. They arent afraid to tell me the truth even when it hurts or isnt fun to hear. Thats why its so important for me to have their blessing on all the big decisions I make. Last night I stayed up almost all night, save about 45 minutes, in order to be tired for lots of naptime in the car. This didnt completely work because I cant sleep now for some reason, but Kelley was with me most of the night last night, so it was pretty easy for me to stay up all night. Over a delicious delicacy of animal crackers, we talked about a lot of stuff. Love, its existence, how its found, how its kept, what it is. I dont really know how long we talked, but im glad we did. For the longest time I felt scared to tell her about a lot of the things going on in my life because I felt like she would judge me and think less of me for them, but after last night I realize that she wants whatever will make me happy and what I want; although if she sees a problem she will be the first to let me know, she wants me to feel comfortable telling her anything because she will never judge me or think less of me. I know that this is what friends do for each other, but sometimes you just get so off track you kind of forget that, and you get scared that your friendship is no longer what it used to be. I know now that even though we as people have changed significantly, even just in the last 4 months, our friendship will always be the same, and that is perfectly fine with me.

Now comes the fun part. Six weeks left. Stress. Excitement. Confusion. Joy. Sadness. All these things and more. I am about to explode with love and im not the least bit afraid to admit that anymore. I cant wait.

You can bet Ill take pictures all along the way.

Oh yeah, and im proud to say im spoken for.

If you’ll excuse me, I think I might finally be getting tired, and regardless, I think its about time somebody in this car called for a Self Checkout. Yea-yah.

4/7/06 7:17 pm

Today was like yesterday, no long car rides. Except for some reason, it takes us four hours to get absolutely anywhere on this trip, so we did have a bit of car time I wasnt expecting.

But it wouldnt have mattered b/c I’m always in a thoughtful mood.

Look who’s alone now
Its not me
Its not me
Those three wise men theyve got a semi by the sea
Gotta ask yourself the question
Where are you now
Gotta ask yourself the question
Where are you now

[WISEMEN]

Giddy. That is the only way I could describe how I feel right now. I just spent a relaxing week with my two closest girlfriends in a beautiful place. I didnt think about school or any of the other junk that tends to bend my mind. I got a huge scholarship I wasnt exactly expecting to get this week. I got lots of presents this week: a lot of people I am thankful to have in my life.

I realize that I am loved.

When you know that, that you are loved, it makes everything better. It makes you feel more settled and purposeful and happy with yourself. It makes you more pleasant to be around. It makes you more kind to others. I am so lucky.

And by the way, I love you too.

4/6/06 4:22 pm

No long car rides today. Just the 30 minute drive to the outlet mall we’re about to do for our evening activity. We’re such crazy cats on spring break like that.

Some days are just happy, and that’s that. I stayed up insanely late last night till God knows when while Amanda and Kelley slept, so when they roused me out of bed this morning, I should have been pissed and cranky, but I wasn’t.

Some days are just happy. We went to the beach and it was crowded but beautiful. The wind was blowing, so even though it was hot it felt pleasant and I could soak up the sun without feeling scorched.

Some days are just happy. When you’ve got something to look forward to and something to think about and good people around you, some days are just happy.

I’m not sure how many readers in full I actually have out there in cyberspace, but I’m pretty sure there are at least 3 semi-regular male readers. To you, I must give a precursor to this next paragraph: In case you didn’t know, it is biologically encrusted into the brain of every girl to want to plan out her future life. By the time she gets married she will know exactly what her wedding will look like, who will come, what color cummerbund the groomsmen will wear, and even the color and style of the dinner napkins. Females are just planners by nature, try as we may, we just can’t really help it.
So, you ask (because you are a curious and inquisitive reader) what is Angie’s perfect homelife like. Well reader, I will tell you:

My ideal house would be a clapboard house in the old district of Charleston, South Carolina. Something about that area is just so laid back and beautiful. Unfortunately none of these homes go for under a million. So, in that case, I would love an old mission style house from the thirties with a big front porch, and as clique as it is, a white picket fence. My house would not have to be very big, because it would just be me and my man, and of course our dog. My ideal dog would be, I can’t remember the name of the breed, but its some type of mid-sized curly terrier. This dog would catch Frisbees. The house will be decorated in a mix of 1950s/60s Danish Modern Swag, vintage eclectic and modern styles. The house will be small but open with hardwood floors and a small pool in the backyard. I’ll have a studio inside so I can do whatever art I’m doing at the time. My pictures will be all over the walls. I’ll still have a cute little Mac and a Jetta, thought I may upgrade models between now and then. My man and I will eat breakfast in bed and laze around the house on rainy days and sometimes we’ll travel to exotic locations and I’ll take lots of pictures. I’ll be a wonderful cook and everything I make will be unique and different, but always tasty and special. Some Saturdays we’ll got to the flea market and marvel and all the junk around. We’ll have friends that we go out with on occasion, but we’re also just fine being just the two of us. On the front porch there’s a swing where I like to sit and read and look at art books I get from the used book store down the street.
It’s sure to be lovely.

Haha, I’m weird like that. I’ve got to have it all figured out. Will this go according to plan? Probably not, but its fun to daydream : )

4/5/06 12:55pm

We were on our way back to Boca from Marathon, but right now we’re sitting still. Some Airstream somehow flipped itself down the road. Good we just passed it, we’re moving again. Wonder how they managed that. Hope everyone’s ok. I hope even more that Tessa will stop yelling about eggs and obnoxiously blowing her nose. So we’re in for another 1 hour and a half drive, but looking at past instances, it is quite possible this could take the greater portion of the day. I’d much rather be sunning on Sombrero Beach or sitting by the pool back in Boca, but we deal we deal. I enjoy the time spent listening to all my new illegally-downloaded music loud enough to drown out the “ambient noise” shall we call it? and writing to all my faithful beautiful readers of the deep thoughts in my mind. Haha.

Let’s keep talking
Anything to stop clockwatching
Lately we’re running out of time
Aren’t we?
Crazy for running all the time?
Maybe.
Let’s forget we’re running out of time
I’m off like an aero plane
I’m licking your postage stamp again
I’m using my right brain
And I’m prayin that we don’t crash
Who knew I’d come so fast?

[CLOCKWATCHING]

It’s the greatest topic of discussion amongst my friends that everyone wants to talk about and no one wants to talk about. Time. Face the facts, we’re running out of it. But the next 3 months or so have been promised to me to be some of the greatest and most beautiful and most special and most memorable of my life. That is quite possibly what scares me the most. As far as leaving my friends and all is concerned, that part hasn’t hit me yet. I’m just scared that all these great times are gonna happen and I’m not gonna take it all in or I’m gonna miss something or not get everything out of my high school experience that I was supposed to.

After my 10% off stat test on Monday though, and a little bit of cramming for AP exams, and running around like crazy getting slides taken and photos printed for my portfolio, and of course wanting to kill myself with a few modules, school is as good as done. It’s all goodness from here on out. What I have surmised is that the best way to truly get everything out of it that I’m hoping for is to forget about all the sad sentimental stuff for now and just go for it.

I guess it all goes back to yesterday’s entry: mistakes. I think for now its best to just make the mistakes and go for it. When you spend too much time worrying about consequences that in the grand scheme of life don’t really matter, you miss a beautiful view. For now I’ve just got to take it all for what it’s worth and not think about it too much, cause I think it’s very apparent just from this last series of entries alone that I think way too much about things. 06 bitch, lets get crazaaaay.

Its not so pleasant
And its not so conventional
It sure as hell ain’t normal
But we deal we deal.

It’s gotten worse this year. People calling me and a lot of the stuff I do weird. However simultaneously, my creativity has flourished more than ever before, and the praise I have received for my artistic ventures has exploded. The conclusion? Weirdness=more creativity. It does get old being called weird all the time, but in the end, I don’t mind it that much. I don’t think I know how to be this so-called “normal” of which people speak anymore. I think worrying about being normal might be another one of those things that will prevent me from taking in these experiences completely. Truth is, I know exactly what I want, I’m just afraid to go for it. I know exactly what kind of experience I want to have. I feel like sometimes life hands me what I want on a silver platter, and I’m too afraid of what “might” happen to take a hold of it.

It’s about time I stopped being scared and started getting hurt, being the bad girl, getting in trouble, and breaking a few hearts. Don’t worry loves, you know I’m not gonna go off the deep end or anything.

It’s just time to stop thinking. After a year of AP Statistics, my mind could use the break.

Current Playlist:

Wisemen-James Blunt
Neighborhood #3-The Arcade Fire
Love and Some Verses-Iron and Wine
Clockwatching- Jason Mraz
Camisado-Panic! At the Disco
Saint Simon-The Shins
We Looked Like Giants-Death Cab For Cutie
Float On-Modest Mouse

4/4/06 9:38pm

In the car again on the way back to Marathon from an evening in Key West. Not gonna lie that place is a little sketchy, but its got a pretty cool vibe. I could’ve spent several days there taking pictures, but in truth I didn’t really take many of the shots I could have. I always feel bad making people wait around for me or go off to some weird area b/c I’m obsessed with photography. I never get all the shots I want. Oh well, one day when I get old enough I’ll travel on my own. Either that or I’ll get a best friend or boyfriend who totally gets it and doesn’t mind following me around into ditches and alleyways to get the best angle.

Sooo like I said, I’m in the car again. So far we have not spent a day of our vacation not in the car, and I know at least tomorrow won’t be any different, so what that means for you lucky readers is a whole nother load of deep thoughts from Angie!

And all our sins
Come back to haunt us in the end
To hang around
To tap us on the shoulder
And smile silent
Its all implied you’ll die tryin
So to live this down
You might as well forget it

Still I’m convinced
What if “what if” is the worst thing there is
So we bottled and shelved all our regrets
Let them ferment and came back to our senses
Drove em back home
Slept a few days
Woke up and laughed
At how stupid we used to be.

[MISTAKES WE KNEW WE WERE MAKING]

Would it be so bad to do something you knew wasn’t what was best but do did it anyway? Like a kid testing the limits of his mother’s patience, testing the boundaries of the ability to live a life on the edge of going against everything everyone is telling you without completely slipping…is this so bad? Is it perhaps a quite normal thing? Should we as individuals make a “mistake we knew we were making” on a regular basis? It almost seems to me that this may be part of healthy functioning…? And is it not possible, that if you kept an optimistic attitude in mind that you might just be able to prove everyone wrong and the “mistake” you were making may turn out to not be a mistake at all? I bet there are a lot of occurrences out there in the world in which many people judged it initially as a mistake, but in the end it worked out beautifully. So with that in mind, should we ever listen to the critics? How much do they really know what they’re talking about? At the same time, is it worth it to go against their well-intentioned advice when there’s still a great possibility that from their vantage-point, they know something you don’t and may actually be right?

Without the bad there is no good. Its true that we have to make mistakes in order to understand what success and right decisions are. If we did everything right all the time, we wouldn’t know it was right because we wouldn’t know or understand wrong.

That being said, would it be safe to say it is ok to run myself into the ground a little bit, just for kicks, just to get it out of my system, just to get those mistakes out of the way?

mistakes we knew we were making.

All depends on what your idea of a mistake is. I’m not so sure there is such thing as a mistake as most people define the word. I think everything happens for a reason and happens for a purpose. Maybe some things are unfortunate, but that is life.

If you’ll excuse me, I have some mistakes to go make now.

And remember kids, mean people suck, but nice people swallow : )

eww.
these are tarpon that we fed i dont really know why we did it but they will kill you, so watch out.


tree huggers.
4/3/06 9:50 pm

Greetings from Marathon. I know yall all feel very fortunate that after a long search, I found an internet connection. Here's what i wrote earlier in the car on the way: aka more unnecesarily deep thoughts from angie:
4/2/06 11:58 am

We’re back in the car again on the way to Marathon in the Keys. I will be excited just to see some beach. I hear there are great pictures to be had down here too, which of course for me and only me is happiness on a stick.

Something about car rides. I can’t read while I’m in the car, and as great of a movie as it is, I just can’t get into The Santa Clause right now. Car rides are good for two things for me: listening to music and thinking. Something is insanely wrong with my ipod, so I had to get my laptop out cause I can’t sit in silence like that. So, naturally I knew you, my faithful readers would want to know what’s on my mind. Here’s what I’m listening to right now:

There are things that drift away
Like our endless numbered days.

Springtime calls her children
Till she lets them go at last.

There are things we cant recall
By the night that finds us all

Winter tugs her children
And their fragile china dolls

But my hands remember hers
Rolling round the shaded ferns

Naked arms are secrets still
Like songs I never learned

There are names across the sea
Only now I do believe

Sometimes when the window’s closed
You sit and think of me

But she’ll mend his tattered clothes
And they’ll kiss as if they know

A baby lives in all of us
So scared to be alone

“Our Endless Numbered Days” Iron and Wine

A baby lives in all of us, so scared to be alone. How true. I try to be patient with time and fate and all those invisible things that seem to dictate what we all do everyday, but I do get tired being alone. Frankly, sometimes I get quite scared. To be alone is not normal, and honestly, as crazy and annoying as love can be at times, it must be worth something. Otherwise, why would everybody be searching for it so much? Yesterday, I talked about what love meant to me, but maybe an equally valid question would be, what am I looking for, personally?

I guess the short version would be this: something sweet and fulfilling.

I want a relationship that is light and airy and at the same time heavy and deep. I don’t want my significant other to be my identity or my master. I want my significant other to be my best friend, unlike any other friend I’ve ever had before. I want to spend days and nights with him and never get tired of him. I want to get mad at him and get in fights and bicker like we’re married and then 10 minutes later laugh about it. I want him to appreciate me for my talents and self, but not be too obsessed with me. I want him to love all the stupid things I say and do even when I feel really dumb for the way I am. I want us to make each other better people. I want someone who will embrace my naiveté as a positive thing. I want everyday with him to be something new and more of the same all at one time. I want someone who will go with me to the doctor and hold my hand. I want someone who makes me grow in faith. I want someone who values honesty and trust. I want someone who is an opposite of me, but not too opposite. I want someone who can laugh at life, and understands my sense of humor. I want someone who “gets me” I want someone who I can feel safe with. I want someone will let me into places no one’s ever been before and who will trust my advice. I want someone who will let me have my space and let me smother him too. It would be nice if he could play the guitar.

I’m pretty sure it is impossible for this person to exist.

This somehow in the twisted canals of my mind leads me to the issue of faith.

I think I’m really bad at faith. I have too much faith in some people, and not enough in others. I don’t easily trust males for some reason. But once they have my trust completely, I let all barriers go. Is that too much faith at that point? Does one always have to wary of another? Is that normal, or is being wary of another a warning sign of an unhealthy relationship? Can you really ever just “let it all go” and give your trust completely over to someone, or do you always have to have reservations? This is what I hate about myself. The naiveté makes me feel so stupid for not having figured these things out by now. I’m so behind everyone else, I’m going to be the girl that does all the stupid relationship things you were supposed to do way back in the day in middle school so you’d have yourself and others figured out by the time you got to where I am now. But I didn’t. So now I’m here. In a van. More south than I’ve ever been in my life. Talking to myself on the computer.

There’s this delicate balance between giving yourself over to another and keeping yourself inside. Like I said, it’s a very delicate balance. I haven’t figured out quite yet how to work this scale, and I don’t know quite when I will figure it out. I just hope I don’t get left too far behind.

Woah that was long, but im sure you enjoyed it. more stuff tomorrow hopefully!

4/2/06 10:43pm (daylight savings time was yesterday sweet!)

Greetings from Rats Mouth Florida. Lucky for all you faithful readers, I have an internet connection here! Here's a random tangent from earlier today on the long car ride down:

4/2/06 3:35pm

Random thoughts on a long car ride:

I wonder what it will be like in 2 months to say goodbye to all these people I’ve been with in upwards of four years. Or better yet, what it will be like when I say goodbye to the people that are really close to me at the end of the summer? Its something I wonder about but don’t really want to think of right now.

My next question is this: How far does forgiveness reach? I mean even when people make really big mistakes or do really wrong things, is it possible that it truly was just a lapse of judgment or a moment of stupidity, or is it an irreconcilable condition? When is enough enough? I mean it is my belief that forgiveness is not only important, it is crucial. But once you forgive what happens next? Do you go back to the way things were before? If you do that are you just setting yourself up to get hurt or being like a stupid little child who didn’t learn her lesson the first time? Is it such a bad thing that you want to trust the person like no other and you want things to go back to the way they were before even though its not right and it ended badly the last go round? Why is it I just can’t help myself but be this way?

And here’s a great peripheral question: what is love?

I’m not exactly an expert on the subject. It’s pretty easy for me to say I love you to people because I think deep down we both know its not the same as the love you say to the person you marry. That love is much deeper and needs much more cultivation before it comes to be. I think there are different kinds of love. There’s friend and family love. There’s lust, which isn’t the same as love. There’s romantic love. And then there’s true love. I heard a man once say that if you feel like telling someone you love them, u must check yourself first: “would I die for this person?” if you can honestly completely answer yes, then that is true love.


But more importantly than anything, since this is my self-absorbed and narcissistic blog, is my opinion on what love is. Love is friendship that over time becomes something more, but still always no matter what has that core of friendship. Love is acceptance. Acceptance of what the other has to bring to the relationship, acceptance of each other’s faults, acceptance of the compromises you have to have in order to be together, acceptance of the love you have to offer one another. Love is adoration. Adoration of the good things, adoration of the bad things. Unconditional adoration. Love isn’t a contest, or a point-keeping game, no one ever owes each other anything; you both just always accept the score and move on no matter who’s right or wrong. Love is unconditional affection for another that just grows over time. Love is when every damn thing you see reminds u of that person. Love is when the person follows you even into your dreams. Love is being able to tell the person anything and knowing that they won’t judge you or think worse of you, and even though you may not always like their response, they will always care for you. Love is sometimes having a relationship that only the two of you can truly understand, but everyone can see the affection. Love is always surprising in nature. And love is most certainly blind.

Love is a complex emotion I’m not sure I completely understand yet, but that’s just me.

More goodness to come. Wish me lack of sunburn and good fortune on the beaches of south florida. i hope you all are enjoying your global travels or lack thereof as well. : )

3/26/06 10:44pm

So i decided. the gilbert twins do in fact own my face. these girls are awesome and if you dont know them already you should highly consider giving them a try sometime.

I am so tired from doing all these little photo shoots with people and im ready to be done with this project but it is so much fun. i call it networking at its finest. for those of you reading this although i dont think there are many of you, i will have the image vs reality series up somewhere on the internet at some point later on in the week for all to see and enjoy.

this week is gonna be crazay and of course ive got severe senioritis and am completely incapable of doing anything im supposed to do. geez whats my problem.

thats all for now. will you go to prom with me and dance and dance and dance and dance and dance and dance?

3/25/06 1:16 am

Here's to another weekend during which i will try to be productive and probably fail miserably.

Spring break is a week away.

I cant believe this fact.

Now to clear up a few common misconceptions about yours truly, Angelodundee:

*So about the alcohol. A lot of people think im like the freakin president of the society of anti-acohol or something. i dont know why people associate this so much with me. i suppose it started when all my friends started drinking several years ago, i guess i overreacted, but contrary to popular belief, i find the whole thing to be no big deal now. it is so commonplace, and i have no problems with it, it is a personal choice whether or not you choose to partake in that kind of thing, and who i am to try to prevent you from doing so, and better yet, who are you for judging me for not doing so? this shouldnt be made a big deal and i feel like even writing about it now is making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be, but i just want people to realize how i feel and accept me as normal and not push me asside like they're trying to shelter me from the world or something.

Why do i choose not to drink? i have my reasons, but honestly do you really even care? my most pansy-assed reason is that it is seriously truthfully not in my best interest medically to do so. my blood is thinner than water as is, and i might as well call one of my free-time leisure activities bleeding, i do it so much, so further thinning my blood with alcohol prob wouldn't help this. secondly i just dont like putting junk in my body. i shy away from a lot of medicine because i just try not to become too dependent on unnatural things to stabilize myself, sounds weird i know but its true. finally, i just dont really want to. i reserve the right to change my mind at any give time, but i just dont really need anything else to make my life more complicated. lets be honest, if you know me, im retarded enough without the extra killing of brain cells. i can do that just fine on my own thank you very much.

*I swear i'm not a bitch: ok yes i get in spirited arguments/discussions sometimes. but you have to understand that girls are just that way; we live to blab each other's heads of with our own judgements and reasonings and opinions of other girls...its just how we operate. its a very unfortunate thing.

*Im trying not to be so stuck on myself, i promise: it has recently come to my attention that i am in fact a complete and total distgusting narsicist. i hate this about myself but i know its true. i cant have too much hubris or i might kill my mom and have sex with my dad (woah ok for those of you not in college english that was totally and edipus reference that has no valid or true pertinence to my actual life please dont freak out or send concerned emails). but seriously, pride is a dangerous thing, and no one likes someone whos stuck on herself. therefore i resolve to try to no longer be "that girl."

*I am not a kick-ass photographer: ok yes, compared to the average disposable camera snapshot in the poorly lit back section of a local restaurant my pictures look pretty good. but for the most part i am typically displeased with my work, it may look good to the average viewer, but i know i have a lot of work to do before i can even consider myself somewhat of a "photographer", geez if you can even call me that.

*I am not a model: geez people when you say stuff like this, you are only feeding the fire of my point number 3 (im stuck on myself). is that what you really want to do? is it really?cmon...until i grow about 7 inches taller, lose about 20 pounds, get some serious rhinoplasty and reconstructive surgery, i dont think ill be entering that lucrative field

*I apparently am intimidating...this is very false: once you get to know me youll see im transparent. im an open book. ill tell you everything you want to know and then about two stops past what you dont want to know. im ackward, flawed, spacey, and a little weird. i eat funny. i always get in and out of my bed on the right side. i cant dance. i have ocd and vertigo at times. i sleep with a teddy bear every night that has seasonal pajamas. i loveeeee cookie cake. the most exciting day of my life was when i got this computer. i take pictures of everything. i have a car named hans. i like whales. i mean cmon, you call that intimidating?

Well, as you can see, in true angie style i spent this whole time talking about myself (see point number three), and the world is NOT a better place for my having done so. Oh well, a girl can only do so much at a time, especially when its almost 2 am. : )

for those who were wondering hot haigwood pics are here
http://www.haigwoodstudios.com
click on albums
click on portraits
click on test
(skip the first page i look absolutely horrid)
sorry theres not really and easier way to direct you the html doesnt work!

3/21/06 9:16pm

Angie's Secret to Having a Good Time and Meeting Cool New People You Will Love:

1. Pretend you're an amazing photographer
2. Get a myspace and sell yourself to the public
3. Come up with an idea for a crazy series to do
4. Request random people you kinda know to be models
5. Let the fun begin!

This project is a lot of work but it is so much fun! I've enjoyed getting to talk with all the people involved and in many cases going to their houses (and their bedrooms, haha). And i'm actually quite pleased with the results of most of the shoots, i can definitely see the progress being made as a result of my internship. yaya!

The picture of me above is what happens when you are a model for molly's ap portfolio, you get to look like a crackwhore and wear not a lot of clothing and have intimate moments with people you aren't actually intimate with. fun times. too bad im horrible at smoking cigarettes. i guess though if i had to pick a thing to be bad at thats a good one. i just hate that things such as that reinforce people's views of me as a total naive little girl. oh well, i should learn to embrace it.

Things I Thank God For Today:
1. Chocolate chip cookies
2. starting over with friends
3. the value of self advertising for getting a prom date (see: me tomorrow)
4. that i dont actually smoke
5. swim team bonds: when you've already seen pretty much the entire Angie Show, it makes provocative modeling a lot easier
6. Hellogoodbye's "Will You Go To Prom With Me?" that songs kinda messed up and it makes me very happy.

oh and b/c i am a true narcisist, copy and paste this link to see me trying to look cool.
http://www.haigwoodstudios.com/mp_client/pictures.asp?pagenum=2&action=viewphotos&size=thumbnails&thumbeventid=7307&categories=no&keywords2=no&groupid=0&bw=true&sep=true&ckw=false

3/19/06 7:31 pm

These people are pretty much the shit and thats all i have to say about that.

this weekend was one of those weekends that you look back on and think "nothing happened this weekend, in fact this weekend wasn't really good at all" but at the same time you can't help but say that it was essentially awesome. i guess for me it was a kinda productive weekend. i worked. i took pics. i sat down for a second. it was a pretty good time. i think im finally realizing how close spring break and thus the end of school and the end of all this is and while its scaring the hell out of me its a good feeling.
*Angie's List of Concerns!*
(growing daily)
+CE research paper i sure haven't written
+Image vs. Reality series and getting it done well
+My portfolio in general
+AP Econ
+My severe lack of realistic prom date
+Where am i going next year?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hear the secrets that u keep
when you're talking in ur sleep

3/15/06 10:01pm

I have in the past been one of those people who doesnt like wearing a lot of makeup b/c i hope that i have some kind of natural beauty that by some miracle overrides all the aid cosmetics can provide, but after today i may have changed my mind. Its pretty amazing what 10 pounds of foundation and 3 layers of mascara can do, especially when applied by an awesome gay guy named davy. today i had my test shoot with haigwood for the rhs senior pics. it was so much fun. i hope in my next life i get to be a supermodel, in fact im looking foward to it. its gonna be hot.

ok, and seriously, im not trying to be conceited or anything or brag or whatever this may sound like, but what happened to me? did i start wearing a sign that says "hey im legal" ? or did my face suddenly morph into something slightly appealing? im not sure but guys are basically randomly falling out of the sky these days...unfortunately most of them are at least 7 years older than me but i swear its kinda rediculous how many i've come across lately...if only i could find a freaking prom date. i dont eat scabs bitches.

3/12/06 10:09 pm
It is going so fast.


I'm freaking out.


Only 3 weeks until spring break.


And then its nothing.


Its going to be over like that.

Did I mention I'm freaking out?


Like today i went over to ash's house. it was her mom's bday this weekend. i can remember going to her mom's bday dinner and it pretty much seems like it was yesterday, definitely not a freaking year ago.

Meanwhile, im running around like crazy working on this image vs. reality thing, and unfortunately due to my lack of photography skills, most of the shots are leaving a lot to be desired. : (

I am also wondering who the heck is crazy enough that i can convince them to go to prom with me. its sad that i have to scrape around roswell high scrumaging for some desperate soul who wants to go to prom so badly he'll go with anyone...it mistakingly got overconfident and thought i was better than that. guess i was wrong.

no worries, i dont eat scabs bitches : )

last night i went to a wedding for internship and it was a lot of fun. makes you wanna get married just to have the really beautiful wedding. the groom and several of the groomsmen were marines...oh geez men in uniforms.

of course by the end of the night, despite the fact that im supposed to be working, i get hit on/asked to dance by the 30-something random guy from chicago that suddenly is aware im only in high school and at the mention of that fact quickly finds himself another predator.

highlight of the night: grandpa. this man was so old and could barely walk, but anytime a pretty lady walked by, you can bet he'd be out of his seat faster than adam sandler on speed and he'd follow her around smoozin it up.

oh weddings sure do bring out the best in everyone.

i think i'll pencil our next wedding at the studio in on my calendar and consider it a new recreational hobby of mine.

[some pix for those of you who have missed out on my life since the last time i wrote]

3/11/06 12:54 am
things have been crazaaayyy...ayl, internship, school, college english research paper that is alluding me constantly, this huuuuuge image vs. reality photography series...its all making me feel like i'm living out of my car these days, and if you saw my car, you'd probably agree...currently you can find a straw hat, hedging shears, a bottle of sobe, a metro atlanta map, a roll of packing tape, and at least 3 textbooks inside, oh the insanity.

i sadly and reluctantly decided wednesday to not sign up for pottery classes for the next session b/c of the reasons mentioned in the previous paragraph. i'm still interested in and love it, definitely, but i have no energy left for it and its hard right now to devote the kind of time such a hobby deserves to it. its so weird b/c i have constantly taken for almost 5 years now...its just another thing thats over and wont come back to me or ever be the same again...another step toward the end if you will.

so tonight, i received cat calls while streaking across school property, burned my entire torso-length of skin off after using too much bengay, had a really really steamy shower (complete w/ eggs and questionable noises), got in an argument with a girl scout, played hockey in kroger, all the while alluding the police and not dying. just another friday night in roswell.

i bought a prom dress with my mom today. she says i should go even if i dont have a date. its true i do have a few options, but if you rule out people ive never actually talked to in person and guys who have children of their own, that pretty much rules out most of my options. oh well the dress is gorgeous. ill work on the date thing.

well goodnight all faithful readers. here's to drinking your own pee and being ok with it. im gonna go try to get the bengay taste out of my mouth, how it got there in the first place, im not quite sure.

3/2/06 10:05 pm

i played hookey today. it was fairly awesome. theres something about not going to school when you're supposed to that is simply gratifying. i promise i was productive though...i spent several hours taking a shot for my image vs. reality series im about to start (about which i am verrrry excited) and setting up stuff on my new laptop!!! I love this thing, unfortunately i am still very unfamiliar with how to work it as it is a mac and ive previously been a pc girl. i feel now as a mac owner, ipod lover, gap shopper, and jetta driver, if i could just get a job at starbucks and some seven jeans id be a modern-day yuppie. w00t.

tonight kelley and i burned her bathing suits and other stuff we were ready to literally and symbolically say goodbye to. Unfortunately i smell like crap and kelley came very close to burning her face off and i got massive dog crap on my shoe in the worst kind of way, but we feel better for it. the weather has been warmer lately which makes me think of spring and how time is moving fast and all the positive changes that occur as a result of the passage of time. i feel like in the past week or so a huge weight has been lifted off of me...im no longer in the waiting line, i dont feel like im waiting on anyone anymore except myself...im no longer mentally tied to anyone anymore. it feels good. i feel free to be myself.

i hope this weekend goes well. its ayl and the topic has something to do with relationships. i feel like we could all use a little help and guidance in this area right now, i just hope it doesnt bring up harsh feelings in the group...there seems to be a lot of that floating around these days.

as far as im concerned, not much is going on in the male relations department...i wish. but you know thses things come when you least expect it, like in the coffee shop in borders...haha kelley you always make me laugh.

some say that kelley may not be the best friend to me, but i dont really know what a best friend is. i mean if we really think about it no one can be a BEST friend all the time...all i know is kelley and i can pretty much read each other without speaking and we know what makes each other tick and we know each other so well that it just works. period. silence all the critics. you're just being bitchy.

2/26/2006 10:11pm

You can say what you want, and i'll be the first to admit ive said some things in the past, but granville is the man.

Our swim team banquet was tonight, thus bringing an official final close to my career as a swimmer. Its sad b/c this is kinda the beginning of the end of high school for me, my first high school thing that has ended and won't ever come back.

I love rhs swimming though. I mean the morning practices suck, esp toward the end of the season when its 19 degrees outside and all you want to do is finish the season and sleep in, but the rest of it is great. The team is made up of some of the most mix-matched weirdest people in the school, who would never ordinarily hang out together, but are somehow bound to each other by the stench of chlorine and the innate urge to be a fish, though physically impossible. My theory is the swim team at roswell is made up of those who really truly can swim (ie: amanda) and the rest is a bunch of people who dont fit in anywhere else and figure they can at least survive in the water, even though they may suck at swimming. All i know is this: only at roswell high school can you be pretty much the worst swimmer on the team and be captain. i've come very far though, and im proud of myself...not many people can say they made it through four years of long cold morning practices, the wrath of granville, dangerous bus rides, and sketchy chemical levels and foreign materials in the pool water. plus i have swimming to thank for my bodacious upper back muscles of which i am very proud. i'm not an athlete. i never thought id do a sport. i never thought id be doing a twenty-lap race competitively on a regular basis and not completely sucking at it. sometimes just trying is enough.

i know when i look back on the team im just gonna have to laugh. i was never a good swimmer, so i prob wont remember any of the actual competitive aspects of the sport, but all the rest, i will remember, and i will have no choice but to laugh.

"and when i see you

i really see you upside down

but my brain knows better

it picks you up and turns you around

turns you around

turns you around."

2/21/06 10:26 pm

When i came home today there was a stack of mail from each of the colleges to which i have been accepted. mostly propoganda trying to convince me why their institution is "on the wave of the future" with the "finest facilities" and etcetera etcetera etcetera, then they give me a school sticker so i can make sure to spread the love all over my car bumper, locker, notebook or mirror.

Should i be freaking out that i have no idea where i'm going in 6 months? this may be the first time in my life i have not completely planned out everything neatly in a row. i think i may be slowly but surely getting semi-over that whole orderly, crazy tidy living kinda thing, seeing as how right now i am the most disorganized mess of a person ever...

One thing that occured to me over the weekend when talking to a friend of mine, who i believe has pretty much dabbled in almost every kind of profession: i have the right to change my mind. i think i forget that a lot. she suggested i go to school, get out, do what i want, reevaluate, do what i want next, then what i want next, then what i want next. she says you gotta change it up every now and then: keeps things interesting.

i say she's got a good idea going.

2/20/06 10:58 pm
Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a peace of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe believe in me believe
That life can change that youre not stuck in vain
Were not the same were different tonight
Tonight so bright tonight

Last year i had ms foss for phsyics. that was one large woman. everyday she had what she called an "essential question" that she put on the board, and hopefully by the end of the class we would be able to answer it with all the stock-piled chunks of information she threw at us during the period.

My essential question is this: What do i deserve? this weekend was a long weekend and i didnt go on the ski trip so of course i had too much time to think. but it is something i struggle with. i mean, do i deserve better than what i have? i kinda dont think so, but a lot of other people do. am i putting time and energy into things and relationships that are just going to be a waste of time? where do i go from here?

i guess my main concern is that i'd like to know what its like to truly not be alone for once. i want to walk beside someone and have it be true, genuine, and real, not some f-ed up mind game or some surface-scraping rendevous. prob is, i dont know if that kind of thing is out there for me to find, and if it is, whether or not i am deserving of it...im far from a saint.

i also decided that senioritis has symptoms that reach beyond just procrastination, school-skipping, and lack of caring. it also includes random epiphanies of the fact that we are about to embark on something insanely new and leave all the rest in the dust. it also includes angie in july running around like shes scared as hell and probably not acting like herself as a result. i mean its getting pretty bad. you can say o my gosh in a few months this will be over as much as you want, but its the random times, like the other night when i was listening to "tonight tonight" (see lyrics above) and just started really thinking about it, i mean really thinking...it just freaks me out.

new days resolutions:

+focus

+ do my own thing

+be myself

+lay off the dang chocolate chip cookies

2/14/2006 3:37pm

Oh another Valentine's Day. every year i say, "Angie, next year will be different and you wont be alone on VDay." then the next year is the same as the last, and the same as the year before that and the year before that. there was always that reassurance that surely, most surely, i would not be alone senior year. yeah about that.....

But no worries, because my chocolate fortune says tonight will be a lucky night, im pumped. unfortunately i think the greatest luck i will receieve is the possibility of a decent night's sleep despite the aircraft carrier of a heater that makes an insane amount of noise in the room where i am staying right now. do i sound a little bitter? i dont mean to be, but its just so gosh darn easy to do.

Some people argue that VDay is a commercial holiday made up to amplify greeting card companies' profits. i would agree, but there are other noncommercial ways to show your love on this special holiday, too bad those ways dont get you very far in the a$$ department. haha. besides, if i were to say that Vday is a commercial holiday it would just make me sound like a bitter angry woman who is just jealous that she has no one to buy her all these lovely things...oh wait, i think this entire blog has already made me appear that way anyway...well on that note: "Valentines Day is a commercial holiday" there i said it, and you think im bitter...no news here...haha.

The truth is the whole thing is kind of nice. its cute to see all the little couples in the hall doing nice things for each other and such, theres nothing wrong with a few flowers and a card, and as anyone can tell you, i firmly believe that chocolate can solve all major global issues, so that certainly cant hurt either.

As for me, im just ready for my long weekend. i want to live at home again, i want to be done with yearbook junkola, and i want to go to the gymmmmm. i think this weekend i will workout, rent fight club, take a ton of pictures, and bask in the solitude of the belguim chocolates my dad just brought back.

2/12/2006 11:48 am
I'm pretty much freaking out right now. I've been sitting at my computer for over 2 hours now with only one paragraph and not a lot of direction as far as my character analysis paper for college english goes. im freaking out. i have the worst writers block ever, i can barely formulate full sentences, much less scholarly ones.

I wise person once told me writers block is the product of something else being in the way in your brain so the important thoughts cant get out. so maybe i should clear the way for the literary analysis to get through. and that, i think i will do, so here goes:

to my friends:

1. i know whats going on

2. i can handle it i promise

3. stop treating me like im a retarded 4 year old

i'm so sick of this act everyone is trying to pull off. i feel like i've never been treated with the respect i deserve from my friends and apparently never will be. its so stupid how everyone tiptoes around me and keeps secrets from me about things that aren't important...do you realize how stupid and small that makes me feel? dont get mad if i dont let you into my life, because you never made the effort to be a part of it before, and you dont even have the courtesy to let me into yours so why should i return the favor? i dont think anyone else understands what it is like to have everyone treating you like you are the weirdest person in the world. yall have made me so unsure of myself in ways i thought i never would be. now i dont know whats normal and what isnt and if i am normal or not because even if you're pretty sure of who you are, when everyone else is treating you otherwise it makes you question things. is this the way friendship is supposed to be? people treating each other like insignificant pieces of trash? i wish someone could just tell me everythings ok and everything will be different from now on, but thats not how it is. i will never be respected, so i should just get used to it i guess.

sorry for the alanis-style rant, maybe that will cure my block.

2/10/06 11:14 pm

This week went by pretty fast. State meet was yesterday. we were certainly even hotter in the water if i do say so myself, however despite the fact that i missed an entire day of school to go to the meet, the closest i got to water was the bottle of Dasani i downed at lunch.

Check me out, i got my hair cut. w00t. i told her to do whatever she wanted, in hopes that she might just wack it all off, yet still make it look cool, but no dice...it pretty much looks the same, but that's ok, i always feel like a little bit of a new person after a haircut.

So pretty much im having one of those "hello my name is insecurity kinda days", i pretty much feel disgusted with myself, mirrors are not really my friend.

We had Ash's bday party tonight. Japanese takeout was a good choice. Yummm too much food.

Sooo i decided, after much lecturing from a friend yesterday, that maybe its time to turn over a kind of new leaf so to speak, or at least approach my life as it is now with a new outlook. i am currently lacking one really big thing: focus. I have been so off in my own little world not really getting anything done and not really holding on to the relationships that are truly important to me. focus angie, focus. time to get out there and do what you're supposed to do and be who you're supposed to be. focus angie, focus. get your friends off your back, angie. if only you could be a little more normal and get someone in your life and be the best friend you could be and completely abandon who you are you'll be just fine, angie.
psh im frustrated

"and your heart will belong
to someone youve yet to meet
someday you will be loved"

2/1/2006 10:38 pm

I realized today for the first time ever something about myself. its weird when you suddenly see things about yourself that you never thought of before. the thing i realized is this: I LOVE to daydream. i find myself doing it way too much, especially with the recent onset of senioritis i've had, it helps pass the time. hey, my christmas card said "for a dreamer night is the only time of day" i guess that quote was right. gotta go think some more.

"my oh my you know it just dont stop
its in my mind i wanna tear it up
try to fight it
try to turn it off
but its not enough
takes a lot of love
takes a lot of love my friend
to keep your heart from freezin
to push until the end"