like the slice of chocolate pie you dont need.
like the pair of heels that cost 50 dollars too much.
like the awesome earrings that you dont have anything to match.
like the cute puppy who will rip up everything in your house.
like the joke you know will offend almost everyone in the room.
like the shirt you dont even like that much but damn it was so on sale.

somethings are irresistible.

despite that the pies full of sugar and calories.
despite that the heels are uncomfortable and will cause you to overdraw.
despite that the earrings are essentially useless to you.
despite that the puppy may ruin your life.
despite that you will be considered a party foul in and of yourself after telling that joke.
despite that the shirt isnt even cute.

we do it anyway because we juuuuuust cant help ourselves.

so despite the fact that what has happened in the past was not pretty.

despite all the shit ive talked.

despite the fact that i thoroughly convinced myself that all was said and done.

i realize that there are just some certain people who come into your life and leave you changed. they hurt you the worst but the highs are equally high and maybe even higher.

and you dont know why and you know it doesnt make sense and you know your friends are going to be dissappointed in you. b

but everyone's got that person. that vice. that love that will never go away no matter you think you want.

on and on and on and on and on...


Baby, baby since you've been gone I ain't doing so good
I don't get up, paint my face and go out like I should
Baby you turned a clear night sky into a dark, dark hole
And when I see a sunset now I'm just looking at a painting in a cheap motel.

Baby I'm going on without you
Maybe I'm even gonna get through
But baby I'll tell you something that'll never be true
Baby, I'll get over you

amy millan, baby i.

mr fabulous and i are done. apparently he and i were done like a week or two ago, which is what i thought, but when you still get calls almost every night and i love yous and kisses it kinda all doesnt make sense and you no longer know whats going on. im not sure how i feel about that relationship. i cant decide if it was a rebound or just me being stupid and getting caught up in things or just me wanting to hang onto anything familiar or just me wanting to be in love or maybe it was true and just bad timing mixed in with a little bad chemistry in the end. im not really sure.

worst part is i think i broke his heart. i should probably feel more remorse about this. both the heart breaking and the end of this relationship. i just need to move on.

haha back to where i was all these months before.

at this time id like to give another shout out to my "everyone would want to f--- us if we lived in the 40's bitch" ms sarah bluvas. of course i would love to have coffee with you darling. im guessing we have a lot of catching up to do. and yes youre right, i was not expecting such a request from you, but im oober happy i got one : )


damn that pie is good.

why should the fire die?

what a crazy week. i think when i go home tomorrow night im just going to sleep and not wake up for awhile. and this is very ok with me. midterms are death on a plate except no one really warned me that it was actually midterm.

this weekend was the uga ut football game, so i made the significantly long trek to athens to see my loves.for whatever reason, it took me forever to get there. but once i was there, i have to say it was the best time ive had since i moved up here. i felt a little more like i was actually getting the college experience. just hanging out and having fun with friends a lot like i did in high school, but more collegeish. haha. one day i will have this kind of thing going for me here at ut, but until then it was nice having my phone ringing off the hook with people who wanted to see me and do things with me. so here goes...highlights of the weekend:

-seeing laura just go completely off her ass roybn zone style and start stealing food in a gurilla-like manner at the indoor? tailgate in jenny's room.

-caitlyn's post-game wrap up in kelleys hall ("this is our defense" *lays down)

-bobby

-yousuf on friday ("what the fuck man, what the fuck...dude youre fucked up")

-everyone running hysterically/for their lives, including jenny who lived there, from jenny's drunk roomate.

-laying in the field in front of russell at like 3am

-wheat thins

-kelleys roomate, oh wait she doesnt have one

-brunch food/sitting at brunch like 32874298 hours longer than it took to eat making fun of rhs administrators

-getting slightly harassed by uga fans and even moreso flirted with my ut fans

-vintage shopping downtown at agora

-facebooking with robyn

-the super bad frat party

-jay may of course

so my overall impression of uga? i definitely like it better now than i did originally. its hard to compare because theyre two very different schools. im not going to rule out any possibility of transfer even though im pretty sure one day ill be happy here.

as soon as i get home i am faced with two tests i havent studied for, a huge art project that isnt done, and a plethora of text messages from mr fabulous that freaked me out.

maybe i need to be done with boys and just become a ten cent ho to get my kicks. im not good at this relationship stuff. im sorry though, when you break up with someone you dont turn around and kiss them and tell you you love them. thats called being an overbearing man slut who needs to control his hormones. im just saying.

heres to the friends who will talk you through it and then some.
heres to the friends who you know and they know you and youre just comfy with each other.
heres to the friends who will give you their underwear.

go vols.

i made it through the weekend...i cant believe it. now only 4.5 days until i get to go to athens. im soo excited. im ready to see people, and theyll see how im failing at this whole life on my own thing, but it will be worth it just to be with my family again.

i went on a sorority retreat this weekend. i think im going to stick with it. at least see how i feel about it after a year. we played never have i ever (im such a prude i almost won), and it made me realize that maybe there are girls in this group i can identify with. and oddly enough there seem to be a few who already care about me. i even joked around and laughed a little bit. this is new. during the retreat we sat in a circle and went around explaining what object we brought along that was important to us. most brought childhood stuffed animals, pieces of jewelry, or sentimental gifts from graduation. i was never too big on the stuffed animal thing, and i didnt have anything i cared about too terribly much in a sentimental way, so as i was packing i chose a few photographs from the montage above my bed to bring along. as i was putting them in my bag, i realized they were all from this past year...the best year of my life. the last year of my life. i also realized that each image was from a distictive event and of a person/people who will have a lasting impact on my life:

the picture of the ten bs in the burbs that was in the yearbook
kelley and amanda pointing out into oblivion in the ocean on spring break
yousuf making a goofy face during our solo photoshoot
jenny at nirvana the morning after graduation
me holding up amanda's casted arm before prom
me, jax, ryan and yousuf on the couch at their photoshoot at the studio
jordan in the field on a sunny afternoon in july, camera to his face
robyn and i on one of our last nights together dressed like complete sluts
a pile of the people i love the most and could never forget on my couch at my graduation party

these are the people. the times. the memories. that i will cherish forever. they have made me who i am today, and that is why i brought them with me.

SARAH BLUVAS: i cant wait for cheesecake...youre awesome

[d00d check out the myspace it looks awesome and im now up to 690 friends yeyah)

everybody get your release on.

today i did two things i hadnt done in a very long time:
1. take pictures
2. feel pretty

this would be the time when all the females reading this rush to the "add comment" button at the bottom of this post to leave the standard "omg angie seriously you are gorgeous so dont even talk like that" comment. but dont worry chicas, though it is considered an almost call of duty of sorts among females, you need not worry about that today. truth is, i am not looking to good these days. i have early classes and half the time im covered in charcoal or plaster or Lord knows what else. i rarely wear makeup and i find dressing even casually nice is a difficult task. i feel myself slipping in this department and i know i must do something about it. and im trying. i guess only other girls would understand this, but there are just times in your life where you just dont feel attractive at all, no matter what you do. today was a nice break from that. i took a trick back to the olden days (haha literally, look at that dress) and got dressed up and took pictures like i used to. i only got one run in with a cop (i think he was mostly just checking my camera out) and one redneck encounter, he just wanted my number...i think i was supposed to be impressed that he was actually a graduate of ut not a student (then wtf are you doing on campus at 6pm on a friday?). but the point is, despite the fact that i got some weird glances due to the extreme plaidness of my dress as i walked over to McClung, it felt nice to be producing something...even though i would have liked to be working with someone else or doing something really cool or be back at haigwood studios. for now, an awesome vintage dress and my favorite heels will do.

things are looking up. im doing what i can to reach out to different people. after the retreat tomorrow night my decision will hopefully be made as to whether im sticking with pi phi or abandoning greek life.

but the best news of all is that theres only one week until i go to UGA! im sooo excited to see everyone. im so glad that theyre kinda all centralized in one location, its very convenient. i cant wait to be comfortable around people again. i feel so awkward here.

so heres to those of us who have achieved our release. for me it is becoming comfortable here so that i can proceed with photography and so that i can, i dunno have friends. its also going back to the ones i love and the ones im still convinced are my soulmates. for kelley its the weekend, wherever she may find herself. for ashley its her mattress that was lost right in front of her face. for about 97.835% of UT students, its the copious amounts of alcohol theyre consuming tonight. and for yousuf, well buddy im sure you had a good time tonight.

heres to chillaxin with mama's chex mix, chicken soup, and fig newtons at 1130 in the dorm room watching donnie darko and knitting.

goodnight little children : )

premature grandma.

im really trying to change things. be a little more proactive about my fate. try to get a little more on top of my school work. get some sleep. go to the gym. lay off the damn cookies. i am going to meet with the dean of student affairs hopefully within the week to discuss what my options are and what he would suggest for me to do.

as is: this wont do.

truth is im not very happy here right now. and i hate to say that even though i suppose anyone smart enough to be able to read this could probably deduce this for themselves. i just hate to admit that at least for the moment im kinda failing. i mean i know im not failing, but the fact that im not having the most awesome time of my life makes me feel a little stupid for not just taking the easy way out.


but rhoda rhoda rhoda says youre gonna make it after all mary tyler moore.

so i have all these little goals that i surely wont do, just like new years resolutions. ill think about them, ignore them and chalk them up to "good ideas at the time" so the plan right now is to do whatever i can to get my name out there. decide if the greek life is really the life for me. try to find my place somewhere. and for the love of queso take some damn pictures again.

the good news is a byproduct of my depression just so happens to be handknit scarves. and many of you will be reaping the benefits of that in the coming months. w00t go premature grandmas.

is it just me or is it kinda not ok to get your douche at the flea market?

i feel so gross i just ate a box of cookies.

like seriously.

i went to the flea market today and you wanna talk about hick redneck central...well i found it. nascar collectors edition coozies, fresh pork rines, swords of all kinds, tie dye colored bongs, and of course eagles on everything.

then theres a douche.

im sorry but why would u buy that at a flea market.

also why would you live in kodak, tennessee.

these are things that i dont understand.

but i got a dress and a retro addidas jacket together for the price of 5 bucks and even though i may look a little grandma-esque in the dress my ass looks a little more on the fabulous side if i can even say that with confidence, so im ok with it.

i also got donnie darko and eternal sunshine... all for the low low price today only of 18 bucks. so go podunk town redneck people. you can keep your Jesus throw blankets and your homemade beeswax and your handcrafted bluegrass fiddle, but we can all use cheap dvds for lazy days in the dorm now and then.

i like the weekends because theres no class and its a little of a break, but they get so damn lonely. and then u go to target and all you want to do is get some rubbermaid containers to store your fall sweaters that your mom brought up this weekend and you end up listening to stop this train in the car on your way home and before you know it you have to pull off into a side lot to pull yourself together because if you pulled up to the dorm like this theyd surely call the mental ward on you.

i swear these days id cling onto anything that seems familiar.

i think i realized today one of the important functions my friends back in roswell had: convincing me that im not crazy. ill be the first to admit im not totally normal, but my friends not only loved and accepted me despite this, they made me believe that my behavior was actually quite normal. now there is no one here to do that. they just give me weird looks. im the outcast art major from the other side of the border. this has moved beyond the point of just not having friends. im carrying a weight upon myself that is too heavy to bear long term. i am questioning who i am and what my identity really is. i was at least somewhat prepared to move on and make new friends, but that was harder than i thought. and i certainly wasnt prepared for this identity meltdown that is now occuring. i have cried more in the last two months than i ever have in my life. i live for phonecalls from random people and letters i know will never come. im so scared everyone else will have moved on and i will still be stuck in this ugly state of mind.

a baby sleeps in all our bones
so scared to be alone.

but i am not the only one feeling this way. appears my suitemate and i have much in common. the waiting for it all to come is the hardest part.

No I'm not the girl I used to be lately,
See you met me at an interesting time.
And If my past is any sign of your future,
You should be warned before i let you inside.

I will beg my way into your garden,
Then I'll break my way out when it rains,
Just to get back to the place where I started
So I can want you back all over again
(I don't really understand)

ugh i just wrote a full post and deleted it. while the drama always provides plently of material, im pretty sure everyones pretty tired of emo angie. including angie. i suppose im just procrasting from the art history flashcards that surely await me. every 28 days i hate myself. and now i cant really sort my feelings out. i dont have much to think or say. i basically just go. my numb little life. buzzing around knoxville doin my thang the best i can.

oh, my egg broke all over the place. i was so happy to see it go though. i was kinda hoping that it my burst into flames or explode or start leaking nuclear waste product on its way down, but no such luck.

i went to starbucks with some girls from Bible study this afternoon. am i wrong for thinking its ok to be a "real" Christian? that its ok to know im not perfect and maybe even accept and be ok with it? to understand that i let the fbomb slip a little bit too much for the church's taste? is this outright rejection of my faith? i should hope not, i really want to be a good person. but im no angel and i dont want to be fake. thats why ive never led a Bible study or run around trying to convert people. im not exactly the perfect model of faith.

but i think we all do the best we can in everything and hope that its enough to get us by.

i write you letters.
but i dont send them.
i just cant figure out how to end them.

remnants from my weekend in suburbia.

i rent a room and i
fill the spaces with
wooden places to
make it feel like home
but all i feels alone.

seems like i forgot to listen to the rest of the song:

everybody is just a stranger
but thats the danger in
going my own way
i guess thats the price i have to pay
still everything happens
for a reason
its no reason not to ask myself
if i am living it right.

this weekend was probably the best thing i could have done. i still dont want to get over high school. and now i have admitted that to myself. sometimes there are things in your life that you dont realize were great or dont realize you miss until theyre gone.

like high school and all that in entails.

like haigwood studios.

like mammy's cookies.

like carpet on the floor.

like beds not on stilts.

like jordan interns.

like predictability.

like my interest in photography.

if you knew how much youd miss it when it was gone i dont think you would miss it as much when it was gone. if you knew how much it really meant to you beforehand you would cherish it and love it to death and youd have few qualms about leaving it because you could say you did everything you possibly could. but that my dears is not how we operate.

but i take comfort in the fact that im not alone in my journey. yesterday i probably spent a grand total of four hours on the phone. quite rediculous i should say. i should probably be spending that time going out and meeting people or at least studying or knitting or rotting in my own filth or something. but i enjoy every second of it. when jenny reeves the genuis whos strong and been to hell and back and still stands up straight and speaks good english tells me shes not so sure how she feels right now. i know im going to be ok.

i changed my relationship status on facebook and thanks to that dang minifeed i got a wave of concerned messages and emails or just hellos from people that i knew were a result of the gigantic flashing ANGIE IS ALONE EVERYONE DONT POINT TOO MUCH SHE MIGHT NOTICE going across their computer screens.

truth is i dont think im very sure where we stand. i cant really put a name to it. after last nights conversation, i dont think anything has really changed, i just dont have a title anymore. i think its fear of heartbrake driving his decisions. or maybe fear that a title means pressure to move foward in directions that just arent possible for us right now. maybe he just wants to keep his options open. maybe he just doesnt want to say goodbye for real. maybe he cant let me go. im pretty sure its all of the above.

i dont want to get myself into a friends with benefits situation, but i dont feel like thats what this is.

and it appears that i never will do conventional.

but the truth is, i will be back in roswell in 3.25 weeks. after that, its a maze of date parties, mixers, papers, midterms, projects, games, trips to uga, rhs homecoming, visitors, finals, and christmastime. it will all be here before i realize it. so im not going to worry too much about all that. i go to class in what i slept in with no makeup, unfortunately. so i dont think anyone else is going to snatch me up anytime soon. and right now theres a lot of things i need to do. so ill go to class. try to make myself go running. make phone calls. read up on photography. do my laundry. go to Bible study. keep my room clean. try to get my name out here. dumb down my photography to try to get my groove back again. call home. go to games. go to the flea market on the weekends. try to finish knitting that scarf i need to.

and these little tasks are what get us by, because robyn say:
1. boys are hormonal bastards
2. take it day by day

i think my plan satisfies both.

You´re the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I´ll claim I did
But in truth I´m lost for words

im back in knoxville. what a bittersweet weekend if there ever was one.

being home is comforting and awkward at the same time because you know everything that was isnt anymore and everything you were and everything you had doesnt belong to you anymore, at least it doesnt the way it used to. i kept feeling like i had to ask permission to get a glass of water in my own home and despite the fact that everything was still where it used to be, i didnt feel like it belonged to me anymore. eating the food at home was great. sleeping in my own bed was divine. seeing jordan was lovely, and i even got flowers which doesnt happen to a girl like myself ever.

but amongst all this everything is so bittersweet.

because you know everytime you get closer it makes the farther away part harder and harder. and youre just setting yourself up to get hurt in the long run. but that is what love is about. taking chances. having faith.

and no yousuf, i dont have all the answers on religious topics. im fairly retarded on the subject. but i have faith. and that is what it is all about. believing in something you dont quite understand.

like the birth of evil.

and the relationship that may or may not have been doomed to begin with.

details arent essential, but last night at 1 am i found myself at haigwood studios. alone, i walked all around the inside. other than minor modifications, it is still very much the same place. different soap in the bathroom. a new modeling chair. new sync for the camera. new computer up front. but the jist of the place was very much the same. still smelled the same.

the simple fact that that was not the first time i had walked the place alone at 1 in the morning says a lot.

so i woke up this morning feeling very strange. i didnt know where i was at anymore. i thought this trip would help me bring closure to it all, but in the end i didnt know how to feel. then it all came down and once and hit me.

"angie just let it the fuck go."

my last eight months in roswell were undoubtedly the best time of my life. and im lucky enough to have this record right here of that time. it was such a time of growth for me. i loved the things that happened and who i became as a result. even the things that hurt and that were bad were what i believe to be an essential part of that phase of my life and i feel like i am better for them. my last eight months in roswell were amazing and i cant let go of them. im still in the mindset that this is camp or a bad dream or a long vacation and soon enough i will wake up and we will all drive our cars to the senior lot and listen to liming yammer about confidence intervals. go to haigwood, joke around with jeremy. go home do some math. get online and talk to my artner. call it a day. repeat. but angie that is over now.

pack up your things girl its time to move on.

it is so hard to admit to yourself that youre living in the past and you must move foward and be your own person and grow and not let that baggage get you down and to just stop living in a fantasy that isnt going to happen.

you cant go back.
you can never go back.

and that hurts the most.

that is the demon that has been hiding and lurking. holding me back. silently killing me. i have to let go of a life that is done. by truly letting go, i am basically understanding that im am truly treading out on my own. completely this time. im scared of what is ahead, but i just have to let go.

and that is why when jordan said goodbye tonight. and i knew it was different this time because it was goodbye for real this time, i didnt break down or freak out or get scared or get angry.

we take these things day by day.

i write tonights entry to you from good ole roswell georgia. it feels so good to be back here. a little weird, but i dont think enough time has passed yet to get that surreal feeling you get.

however i have to say it was weird packing a bag to come to my own house.

opening my closet and seeing only my sucky clothes were inside.

my makeup isnt sprawled out on my vanity.

kelley isnt downstairs.

i didnt go to or care about the rhs football game today.

i feel separated from this place yet i still feel such a strong connection to it.

in truth i loved roswell. i am suburbanite, queen of the suburbs haha. the charm of atlanta right at your fingertips with the safety and cozy feeling of a small town. we have it all right here.

and that is why i loved being a bitch in the burbs.

i feel very much older. like my parents treat me a little less like a child even though they still worry about me making it here in the traffic ok and still want to know where i go at night and when ill be home etc.

my mom made roast and mashed potatoes and peas and rolls and chocolate pie. and i didnt eat it off a tray. and it had salt in it.

tonight i will get in my bed and i wont have to climb a ladder to do so. theres carpet here. no florescent lights will be found here my dears ...this place kinda sounds like heaven when you compare certain things.

my advice to you current seniors: take it all in a remember it, appreciate it.

you wont but ill tell u to anyway. no one ever really does.

which brings me to my next point: how frickin amazing is jmay? i mean cmon. when my copy of continuum arrived in the mail on wednesday, i looked at the box, carefully opened it, looked through the booklet, and then slowly slipped it into my computer thinking "here is the soundtrack to the next four years of my life" i know sarah will probably write some anonymously-signed "john mayer sucks" comment on this but oh well, you can say what you want but he is amazing at the guitar, his tunes are mad crazy funky get down, and the lyrics are so eloquent and well-spoken, i see my life in his songs.

as i scanned through the cd for the first time i stumbled upon a song called "stop this train". if there was ever a song that so correctly and effectively put how i truly deep inside felt, it would have to be this one. check it out:

Once in awhile when it's good
it'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
and you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
till you cry when you're driving
away in the dark
just singing

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed
it's movin' in
I know I can't
'cuz now I see
I'll never stop this train

so i turn the lights out and go to sleep in my comfy bed now. no roomates, no tile floor, no ass water. just a place i love even though maybe only for the nostalgia of it all. it feels empty here now, but home is home.

i know i know two entries in one day when i may very well be pms-ing is not really a welcome thing but bite me ok.

i keep wondering to myself if i made a horrible mistake. what if this is not where im supposed to be? everyone said just go to uga thats where everyone goes free education. i just looked at their programs. much more specific than here. free education. closer to home. free education. i may have royally fucked this one up. the truth is i am scared absolutely shitless and the future is so unclear now. the things that used to define me as a person basically like my friends my photography i dont have those things anymore. the things i never thought would leave me despite changes in physical location are gone. i dont hate i here i dont. but i dont see myself anymore. i see this distant person whos just numb and uncertain about everything.

i rent a room and i
fill the spaces with
wooden places to
make it feel like home
but all i feels alone

the company we keep.

i think we often forget how many other people feel the way we do. even when our situations are drastically different and we've had vastly different experiences, its not as hard as you think to find common ground. so im sitting here on the cold floor of my dorm room contemplating this prospect.

yousuf says life being simply "good" is adequate and really the best we can hope for.

ashley says i have a right to change my mind. and a right to grilled cheese sandwiches whenever i want them.

robyn says shes tired of feeling like the only one.

jordan says he misses me.

my parents say im misguided.

kelley says this whole college thing isnt all its cracked up to be.

belton says he's depressed.

my grandma says happy birthday.

i say what are you gonna do. this is my life. this is how it goes now. everything i had is gone or different and its bad and its good and its confusing and its wonderful and the long and short of it is im alone in a crowd.

but im not.

there are others.

when i hear robyn tell me shes frustrated with the way things are and she tells me about what shes thinking and feeling thats when i know that despite the way i feel 99% of the time i am not a freak. my feelings are valid and true and not so taboo that no one else on this earth feels the same way. when i think about my life past three days from now i want to scream. when i think about my relationship past tomorrow it freaks me out. when i wonder if there really is a future for me here in orange country i get scared. but thats just the thing. thats no way to live your life. there is a time and a place when you just have to say "fuck it" and go.

so you make your parents pay too much money for you to go to an out of state school you may end up hating at the risk you come back and everyone views you as the failure who tried to move on and couldnt.

you talk to the guy downstairs who's drunk all the time.

you decide that youre not going to compromise yourself no matter how much it hurts.

you drive 200 miles back home on sketchy premises just to be in his arms for a little bit.

and then we hope that it gets better and we hope it works out whatever that means and we hope that we'll be forgiven and we hope we can change and we hope we stay the same. all because we grew up and life moved on and someone forgot to tell us.

"theres a reason why, im gone and youre still there."

excuse my french holy shit.

we're totally bitchin. thats all im gonna say b/c thats all that needs to be said. my soulmate and i strike again.

this weekend was bound to be fun and good and cool but it was never really supposed to be amazing. i was soooo excited that kelley was coming to celebrate my bday, just to see a familiar face was great. we went out to dinner with my parents friday night and ate way too much yummy food. then rode the hip hop ghetto style trolley back to campus because shrek was already over, melancholie and the infinite sadness.

we slept in until 12:30 on saturday despite the plethora of Happy BDay! calls i was getting from people. waited in line for like 45 minutes to get a totally bitchin waffle and meanwhile kelleys cereal got really gross. came back to the dorm and realized that i was going to have a pretty uneventful birthday, which in truth was fine with me, because i was just happy to have kelley here, but if there was a possibility of fun times, i was all over it. we had been reccounting how great a place roswell really is all weekend, and i had been saying how i wish i had gone home for labor day. to see jordan. to sleep in my really comfy bed. to eat good food. just to be comfy again. and i really did wish i had gone home. i mean i didnt really want to have to wait a whole nother month before i saw jordan again, and that was how it was shaping up to be. and seeing kelley and my parents and hearing robyn talking about going home just made me want to do it even more. jokingly i turned to kelley and said "haha we should go to roswell". but it was one of those times when youre joking and then you realize that you arent.

30 minutes and a tank of gas later kelley and i are in the car with a mission: 75 south to atlanta.

we were only there for about ten hours. we slept at my house and got up at six this morning. came back to the dorm and got dressed just in time to meet my parents for brunch. for two very unrebellious, and to the outer world very uniteresting people, this was basically the most awesome thing ever. i never did sneak out of my house in high school. i never went on a roadtrip. so at the newly-turned age of nineteen i suppose i decided to kill two birds with one stone. i think every birthday i have had has been memorable for one reason or another. usually its for the parties had or some particular gift that stands out in my mind. this year it was for being with two people i missed very dearly and for the first time in almost a month being HOME.

yes there is a large list of reasons why and how this could have ended horribly. but sometimes you just have to hit your go button and do it. if master belton ever taught me anything it was that. live your life.

and we got away with it. wow.
so happy birthday to me, it was amazing. thank you to the participants and all of you who left nice comments and phone calls for me. i love you all dearly truly. and next time youre sitting around bored, say to yourself, well if im just gonna be sitting here not doing much i should at least be moving while i do it. get in the car. go.

inside jokes from this weekend:

K: "Are you seriously going to brush your teeth in the car?"
(Angie spits all over herself)

K: "This summer we should rent a bobcat and just get a pile of shit and just run over it."
A: "What would you run over?"
K: "An egg. A girl scout. Y*****. A cockroach. Survive this nuclear war bitch."

K: "I bet his is yellow or removable or something like that."
A: "Like a lego?"
K: "Yeah like that."

K: "You might want to get that off of you before we go to brunch with your parents."

Text from dad: "What are you guys up to?"
J: "Take a picture!"

K: "The penis: mother nature's best joke."

Songs of the weekend:
"Into the Ocean." Blue October
"Policeman's Christmas Party" Five for Fighting

the weekend is here thank the Lord. I am failing basically everything including social existence right now so its going to be nice to get a break. plus tomorrow is my birthday! and more importantly, kelley will be here in about an hour.

i dont think there was ever really a time when i dreaded or wasnt excited to see kelley, but i believe i will be happier than ive ever been to see her today. its not that i expect her and myself to not make new friends or that im holding out for some kind of long distace friendship, but kelley and i are soulmates. if she had a weiner she'd do me...she said it. i just havent found people here that appreciate that bitter, cruel, blunt, crude, hyperbolic, sarcastic sense of humor yet and until i do, i miss kelley like no other.

here's to the girls whoe are better friends with their friends' parents than they are with their friends. kelleys watching reno and the girls next door every sunday with my dad (awkward). ashley's chattin it up and throwing pots with my mom. jordan's climbing in windows at the o'connor's house. robyns having half hour long phone conversations with my mom. and im reaping the benefits of several birthday care packages from all my friends' moms. big mac daddy bri should be jealous: look who got mrs abree's cookies and who didnt.

im so glad shes going to be here. i keep forgetting tomorrow is my birthday. its like once you move out of the house your birthday ceases to exist. and im actually ok with that, but the main reason i always liked birthdays was that they were always a good excuse to get everyone together and eat copious amounts of food. no more of that i suppose. which i guess means kelley and i will just have to eat enough food and laugh enough for the ten of us. it shouldnt be a problem.

we are creatures of habit who hate change and i am the worst of them. dude click on the picture though its hilarious. facebook's gone all crazy and now not only is it easy to stalk people, i feel like a stalker just for logging onto the site. thanks to the new facebook, i now know that andrew clipped his toenails four minutes ago, suzy is devastated because she just got her heart broken cause her not so much boyfriend anymore just decided hes gonna play for the other team 34 minutes ago, and i will get hit by a car on volunteer blvd in about 14 hours. sorry guys, you were wrong on this one.

lets face it, everyone who has a facebook is a stalker, we all secretly check out the recently updated profiles to see whats new, we scour pictures of people we dont really know that well just to see if we can pick out any scandalous occurences in the obscurity of the background, and we add people to our buddy lists that we know we'll never talk to just to look cool and just to read their away messages. we're all stalkers. but cmon mark zuckerberg, we like to keep our stalking on the dl. kinda like how we all dont feel that bad about eating a cookie when it falls on the floor even if it clearly surpassed the socially acceptable norm mean floor-time of five seconds. or how we love to see our ex's squirm and squander in the nothingness that is their life. or how we find it a little funny that britney spears is such a redneck hobag these days. or how you always grab a huge wad of napkins at any given fast food restaurant when we all know good and well you wont use them all and then youll throw them away and hope that some green kid doesnt come by and yell at you about the hole in the ozone and the slowly fading beauty of the caribou.

we're all stalkers. we're all socially unacceptable. but shhh keep it down, someones gonna find us out.

and then it wasnt summer anymore.

its been raining here in knoxvegas. how appropriate. i am so excited for this weekend i cant even convey how excited i am to see kelley. for a little while, im going to get the rest of my mind and soul back. i cant wait!

you know who i realized i really missed but didnt really realize how much i missed him? belton. what an awesome guy. i dont really think its socially typical to hang out with your significantly older coworker from alabama, but i did it and i wish i had done it more often. everyone used to always think he liked me esp when he started asking me to go to dinner with him etc, but he was always like "eww its angie thats gross".

i think there are certain people that come into your life and you should never let go of them because if you do and youre not lucky or fortunte enough to ever get them back, what a grand loss for you.

belton is one of those people for me.

and i will listen to belton and not be fake and make friends when it comes to me and hang out with him more when im back in the well.

robyn called today. "robyn, what really keeps me going these days is a good dick joke and knowing that someone out there in the world appreciates it."

i swear i have the most perverted friends. except im one of them too. and we're actually not perverted. we just find certain taboo subjects hilarious. and this is what i miss. being able to insert some certain innappropriate anatomy into any given sentence and knowing that it will be funny and you will almost piss your pants and robyn will choke on her apple and almost spit out her water as that kid that says "hi how are you" twenty times a day while standing five inches from you tonsils walks by and the female police officer guns another scrawny sophomore down for drugs. so to all of my 3rd period lunch chicas, who live to laugh at the wrong time at the wrong thing, i say i love you.

"i wanna be on that" -kelley
"here is a list of things angie has done in her car in alphabetical order" -angie
"you just went there!" -everyone
"robyn say: do not put out for hormonal bastard"-robyn
"robyn say: i felt it and it was small" -robyn
"angie you are a fucking hot ass shit bitch"-kelley
"omg he has a hybrid car...hes in it for the long haul"-angie
"its like a joystick kinda"-kelley
"thats not big"-christi
"if thats small im scared"-angie
"does anyone know what blue balls is?"-robyn
"i'll have the std a la mode"-ashley
"i have bad luck with bananas"-angie
"oh wait, im a bird. oh wait i need to jack off"-kelley
"this is all your fault, it always is...we were just talking about coke until angie came along"-kelley

wow. i am a gross person. i love my life.

some days just kinda suck in general.

today it rained and this weekend despite my parents being here and having a lovely time with them i couldnt help but wish i was at home b/c all of my bitches in the burbs were at home and my parents live there too so it could have worked out nicely. i miss homecooked food and more importantly my bed. familiarity and friends. the studio.

belton just called and he is depressed. seems like everything is collapsing. everything is changing. but i think wise old belton is right in that he believes that my leaving them (at the studio) and possibly others was not an ending in a relationship with them, but rather a beginning. now that i am gone, i will really realize how cool they were and how much i loved them and how much they really meant to me. and belton is, as usual, right.

i feel very much alone here and this is mostly my fault b/c i dont put myself out there enough. but those who know me know this is not me and this is not how i am. belton says i can make lots of friends if i just act fake. he is right, but i just dont want to do that. there are some people that you surround yourself with and you just know that you could never be friends with them. its not anything personal, you just aren't each other's types. so whats the use wasting your time with people you know you will never be close to?

in other news, i think im screwed because my go to girl kelley spilled the beans to my parents this weekend and i dont think they are very happy. i dont know if this is because i just didnt tell them or because they dont like the situation in general. either way i feel like shit. i dont know what to do. i dont know how i get into these situations. there are just times when you have to follow your heart and your gut and maybe thats not always the most favorable thing to do but what are you gonna do about it?

im really ready to be comfortable in my life.

to have friends here.

to be ok with being open with my parents.

to be able to make decisions decisively.

to be ok with my decisions.

dear parents: im sorry i cant be perfect and i cant talk to you andi cant be who you want me to be but for once im just trying to go with it and live.

[sorry for the rants kids]

we beat california which is good b/c they were pretty much evil hippies and stuff. basically ut football is insane. orange everywhere and the campus now reeks of alcohol. i swear its true.

yet somehow i find myself back at my dorm room at this insanely early hour. its just how i am.

my parents are here this weekend and their presence makes me realize how much of a life and myself i have left behind, and how much i have moved on despite what seems like slow progress over the past two weeks. i cant really tell if this realization makes me miss home or makes me appreciate what i now have. perhaps its a little of both. i realized this weekend what a pleasant and beautiful little city knoxville is. with the worlds fair park, market square, the art museum, the river, the color orange. last night we just walked around the city and it was just one of those perfect nights. windo blowly slightly, perfect temperature, great date night. my date just so happened to be a few hundred miles away : ) i love being here and independent and basically choosing how i want to run my days and persuing what i want to ultimately do. at the same time seeing my parents made me remember the things i loved about home. coming home from school and the studio and eating a yummy homecooked meal. sleeping in my oober-comfy bed. staying up online with yousuf and/or robyn until 1 am when i knew good and well i had to be up in 5 hours and hadn't studied for that geology test and event though geology is supposed to be a crap class you still need to study. going out to football games when that first chill wind of fall hits the air and you know this year will hit fast and hard and knowing youll be home and in bed by 12:30. these are the things of my roswell life.

sometimes change is so slow you dont realize its happening but i may be beginning to get a feel for this place.

"never regret the things that once made you smile because at the time it was exactly what you wanted."

i discovered this quote the other day on my gamma chi's facebook and it made me realize why i should truly never regret anything. usually things "seemed like a good idea" at the time otherwise you wouldnt do them in the first place. we all have our skeletons in the closet, but only if we let them haunt us are they really ever a problem.

hmm these are by far some of the least attractive pictures of me ever, why i felt the need to put them up here is beyond me...too many toothpicks=insanity. why am i in art classes? i think im supposed to be like a business major or something more concrete like that. im not cut out for dropping eggs off of buildings and drawing abstract shapes in charcoal and being all cool and awesome like that.

im in that state of being certain i have no idea who i am or where im at. maybe im not a sororiety girl. maybe im not an artist. maybe im not a good girlfriend.

but robyn abree says take it day by day and if theres ever anything thats come out of that girls mouth that i can use it must be that. of course my favorite is the robyn-angry-at-the-male-race-angry phrases. those are surely the best. like: "hey everyone, i felt it and it was small" or "my boyfriend is like six different cultures and you're not you monocultural hormonal bastard"

i miss my mother fuckers in roswell

scuse the french i had to do it. sometimes it gets the point across.

what kind of world do you want?

what kind of world do you want?

what kind of world do you want
think anything
lets start at the start
build a masterpiece
be careful what you wish for
history starts now

after a long conversation with kelley last night, i am reminded that in life there are no guarantees, no shortcuts, and no ultimate answers. theres the way society says to do it, and then there are a million other ways to conduct your life. guess what, all roads lead to rome. you can get where you want to be in a variety of ways, there isnt one path to the end that you must take. grant it, some paths are more treacherous, more frowned upon, longer and more risky than others, but its possible such paths lead to a greater reward. its fun to take the road less travelled by.

the truth is, i am here in God's Country to go to school if nothing else. i didnt go where everyone else did. i didnt pick a very stable major. i didnt start a relationship with someone who lives here. basically by definition, i did everything completely wrong.

but there is no one path to righteousness.

there is no one path to success.

there is no one path to true love.

we all get there eventually. im ok with the way my life is right now. im content and satisfied. and best of all, i am LOVED.

so as i leave my room and disperse myself into the mixed menagerie of young and eager pupils all hung over from last night's panty drop night, the biggest party night of the year apparently here on campus, im alright.

<3

pref night 2006

"life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go"
-k. urban

i decided to stick out the whole rushing process b/c i wanted to make sure i wasnt missing out on anything and quitting too early when maybe there was something down the line that i needed to see. last night was preference night, which is the serious formal night of rush week where the sororieties that you are still in the running with tell you what the sororiety has meant to them. it tends to get very emotional and even though right now i have no formal attachment to any of these groups, i felt the love.

so i think im going to go through with it. go through the pledging process. see if it takes over my life or suddenly transforms me into a mindless barbie. if nothing else it could provide me something to do on a friday night other than html code chamaeleon's myspace like i did this past friday.

however i must underscore how hard it was for me to make this decision. you see, these girls kept going on and on about the bonds of sisterhood that they share and how theyve met their best friends through the sororiety. but kelley is my best friend. and i dont want that to change despite distance. and i just dont see jordan really getting into the revenge of the nerds date party with me. i want to meet new people and make new friends, but i dont want to replace the ones i have. kelley and i share a special bond that i would hope no group or other person could ever touch.

this is when i remember that i live in knoxville now.

kelley and i talk to each other often, but she does not live here and i do not live there. we dont share the same life anymore and there's nothing wrong with that. i have to let go of a life that isnt my own anymore. i have to move on. im not packing my stuff up in a week and going back to roswell and saying this whole thing was just a summer camp experience for a little while and now back to my old life. this is my life now.

of course i should probably save the emotional hogwash for when i actually know that i have a bid from one of the chapters.

let go
let go
jump in
oh well what you waiting for
its alright
cause theres beauty in the breakdown.

please be kind and rewind.

if i could do it again i wouldnt do it the same.

i'd have spent less time with senor asshole and more time with the obvious. the person standing in front of me everyday. the person quietly observing from afar. the person who would have taken me to prom. the person who wont hurt me and i know it.

unfortunately in life we dont have that luxury. yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery we have only today let us begin.

so i begin.

i begin a new life in a new place all on my own. i feel lonely and quite discombobulated if you want to know the truth. making friends is not easy, especially when you come off of having basically the greatest group of friends ever. but i think above all i can be happy with just casual friends. ive heard it said so many times that you meet your best friends in college but i dont think i would be so far fetched to say that maybe kelley and i are an exception to the rule. the important trick to being alone is just to find comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in the world, someone loves you.

and someone does. i think a few people do.

im a happy fish. b/c someone out there cares enough to know that this is unconventional and doesnt make sense and may not work but willing to try b/c its that important.
im so happy about all this.

i wish i wasnt so far away.

but sometimes in the end its the phonecalls and the letters and the emails and the stupid things that make it work.

if you can tough this out you can handle anything.

and that makes me a happy girl.

the art building where i will now live.


Brothers and sisters feel fine
It's the time of your lives
It's the time of your lives
No sound, no sound
Like this feeling you've found
Like this feeling you've found

But just stay down
'cos some sounds you'll feel
So stay round
And some sounds you'll feel

And it's me they're looking for
And it's me
I will never survive

"brothers and sisters" coldplay

this is my home now. my habitat. my dwelling. this is going to take some getting used to. i think as i get older i just get worse and worse about this whole meeting people and being social thing. but im not giving up. i never will. because it always gets better, and if it doesnt get better it gets worse, and that sucks.

i didnt get invited back to the sororiety i wanted. this may be a blessing in disguise. i swear the only one that keeps showing interest in me over and over again is the one that has the sluttiest and biggest party girl reputation. should i read into this as something i need to recognize about myself? so unless i fall madly in love with one of the three groups who still want me it looks like greek life is out for me. and just when im getting all sad and stuff, i swear out of nowhere these two girls show up in my room. like not at my door, IN my room (and the door was shut too i think thats actually breaking and entering) they were looking for someone named sarah and they never found her here but they were from a church group and maybe thats where i need to be right now. its like i said before. i feel like unless it will help me accomplish the goals i have in the end for myself, then maybe its not worth my time and maybe this is a sign that those things are not worth my time. im serious when i say ive got a lot of work to do here, as dorky as it may sound.

the best and worst thing about Baptist churches: once you visit they dont leave u alone. this is bad b/c they dont leave u alone. this is good b/c everyday i have mail advertising some churchwide program or a letter from surely a little old lady telling me Jesus loves me, etc.

today was the first day of classes. i spent about an hour in the bustling atrium of the art building wasting time reading my book on the science of photographic lighting and basic photographic principles before my art history class. a very old man in a blue seersucker suit came and sat down on one of the concrete walls that abound and ate an ice cream cone and looked around with the biggest and most content grin on his face i have seen in a while. i wish i could be an old man in a blue seersucker suit eating an ice cream cone and looking around in a senile yet happy manner a: because i would be wearing a seersucker suit b: because i would be eating ice cream c: because i could be senile and it would be a-ok.

the old man reminds me of the simple pleasure i now more fully recognize. when you dont have swirls of activity or tons of friends or familiarity surrounding you, you begin to find joy and happiness in the little things. buying the 700-page september couture issue of vogue yesterday made my day. its a magazine. its not important or big. but still it was wonderful to me. the little rewards in life are what give u something to look foward to. something to love. something to work toward. something to keep going for.

so as we all shut off our bed bath and beyond deluxe edition swivel-headed clip-on dorm desk lamps in metallic kiwi, we treasure the things that keep us going everyday.

for amanda its the comfort of heavyset black basketball players next door who will walk her home from class and the always-beautiful glow from her life-size cutout of kasey kane.

for my grandma its a phone call from me.

for robyn its her pink bedspread that she finally won out on.

for jordan fabulous its his grand need and ability to white balance and cup after cup of good coffee and expresso, made at all hours of the day.

for mr. steve sparling its a text message from his daughter.

from my mom its calling up "her girls" and checking up on them.

for kelley its a family-sized box of wheat thins and a john mayer poster.

and for me its a too-large portion of famous amos traditional chocolate chip cookies, the september cotoure issue of vogue, the pictures that hang above my bed, and the phone call i get every night (give or take).

and for us all, there is the promise that one day we will make something greater and more amazing of ourselves. until we do, the little things get us by.

i rent a room and i fill the spaces with wooden places to make it feel like home.

but all i feel's alone.


today was a lonely day.

it appears that maybe since im not blonde and in love with vols football, kelley clarkson, "kinny chaysney", and the color powder pink, i may not fit in as well as i had hoped.

i hate awkward transition phases.

and it would be so easy for me to just spend an immense amount of time by myself right now. i guess thats what i did today though. i got up at l1:30, which is insanely late for me. spent over an hour getting ready for the fashion show that is rush aka "fall recruitment". grabbed some absolutely delicious (not) hawaiian chicken at merrel. went to rush until 6. grabbed dinner and talked to robo on the phone. went to the libary to try to finish summer reading. called my folks. and then started writing this. im kinda stuck in this awkward place right now. if i could just go off and do the things i want to do like spend immense amounts of time reading about everything ive ever wanted to know in the library or going to the riverwalk to take pictures, then i would be just fine. but i feel like i cant or shouldnt do that b/c that would be antisocial and now is the time to be putting myself out there and meeting people and doing those things will accomplish neither of those. but the truth is, i refuse to be fake. i didnt meet the friends i had that way and i dont intend to meet the friends i will that way either.

as depressing as this all may sound, things are looking up. i had pretty much turned my back on the whole greek life thing but then today during rounds i talked to this girl in one of the chapters and she and i really clicked. they seem pretty down to earth and school-oriented but not in a dorky way. i just feel at this point if i could get in with someone like them it could be a really good easy way to make the transition here and have a strong base of friends without having to go through too many awkward pleasantries to get there.

maybe this is just a lazy easy way out.

but who knows these days im one way one day and completely opposite the other. like robyn said, check one of the journals from two summers ago that is floating around somewhere out there in space and u will find a list of angies requirements for who she dates. superimpose that with her history thus far and you will see, it is a very bad idea to say never.

i dont want to be tied down but i sure do miss some certain people.

but i am determined to make it here. i didnt take the easy way in and i knew i wasnt, but i refuse to back down.

at least for now : )

ahhhh to rewind the past month and do it all again.

i miss all my roswell friends. i feel like an outkast bad kid right now. but im not.

robyn says dont get stds.

bye kids!

i rent a room and i fill the spaces with wooden places to make it feel like home,

but all i feel's alone.

campus is officially buzzing. the presidential courtyard outside my dorm room is alive with activity, but im just too tired to go out. rush was crazy today. thirteen sororities. all afternoon going from suite to suite making small talk. everyone here is so nice, but im just not sure im cut out for that kind of thing. i have so many personal and professional goals i want to accomplish right now and i guess i have to decide if the greek life can help me to do that and if i even have time for it. i found a calendar that has movies being played throughout the semester on campus. some of my favorites: the squid and the whale, boogie nights, match point. i'll be there.

i got real sad today. i walked past my mailbox and there was something in it! i rushed upstairs to get my card with my combination on it, ran back down, then realized i was looking at the box above mine. that kinda sucks. send me a letter kids it will be fun!

its 10:02 pm on saturday, august 19, 2006 on the first night of my life and i am sitting in my dorm room listening to true love waits and wondering if the universe would really be destroyed if it didnt.

i hope that here in God's country i can become the person i want to be and not lose myself anywhere along the way.

time for that summer reading i didnt do.

"welcome to limboland. for the next four years you get to do whatever the fuck you want." -jm07

so im pretty dead right now. but im here and so is all my stuff or at least so i think until i figure something else im missing. oh well, its good to be outside of my purple box in surburbiatown. on my way home from jmo's house last night, who fittingly was the last person i saw before i left town, i got a little sad about starting anew and leaving my home. but then "world" by five for fighting came on and it just made me realize the amazing opportunity i now have to really just go for it and be amazing and be special and be different and reach out and grab that life i want so desperately.

i miss jordan though.

i like how for once i can actually say the person's name im talking about. way back in the day when lord knows whos girlfriend was reading this thing, i had to use codenames and all sorts of sketchy things. with jordan i get to say what i mean and feel it too.

so i have a feeling things are just going to start going and never stop for a second for a very very long time. before i know it ill be famous or crazy or something like that.

i went to target before i came to campus because i forgot to bring bed pillows. geez now theres an important thing to forget. so im standing at the checkout and this hugely fat lady walks up to the register over along with a man who is almost equal in size, almost. they are wearing matching t shirts, white with black fancy cursive writing across the front. the womans says bride and the mans says groom.

if this is any indication i think the next few years should be quite interesting.

u just never know how it will go.

and then there was one.

goodbye haigwood studios.

kinda weird when you have a harder time leaving your workplace than you do leaving some of your friends. but then again these people are my friends. lest i forget that for five months out of my life i was forced to spend at least an hour every weekday with these people. then after that i believe i was there almost every day at some point or another during the summer. the day didnt feel complete without a visit to the studio.

is it possible that while i was the one who was supposed to be giving to the studio (through my employment there) that in reality the studio was giving back to me?

i'd dare say i have changed as a person as a result of the time i have spent there.

i learned about hairlights. how to use a cannon. the importance of not throwing your hardrive around. a little bit about men's suit sizes. how to use a metz. i lost my sushi virginity. i watched a movie called ikiru or 30 minutes of it anyway. i hated rhs moms. i went in at 8 am. i went in at 1 am. i fell asleep on the couch. i broke a modeling light bulb. i saw people get married. i saw people get separated. i saw boobies. i did interior shoots. i made myspace fabulous. i made friends with an awesome christian british dude named nigel. i rendevoued in the parking lot late at night. i was a hand model. and a robe model. and a prom model. i have my own scandalous red couch story. i heard dani california millions of times on the stereo. i went to the fox with jeremy for a wedding. amanda and i hung out in mountain park and got belton and jordan lost. i shot chamaeleon and kelley in the studio. i shot coco in the studio. i did my first nudes in the studio. i spent a lot of time on the phone. i learned about painting with light. i met astounding and amazing people. i saw how vain the industry could be. at that single location my vcard was almost stolen two, make that three, times. and i loved absolutely every second of it. i couldnt have asked for a better place to spend the last nine months and certainly could not have asked for a better opportunity to learn and better people with which to work.

it was all i could do to keep from crying as i said goodbye to everyone. i couldnt believe i was walking out that door for good. i mean i will come back and work at christmas. but who knows who will be there by the time i return. things will never be the same. i will never be the same.

i suppose at this point, with my goodbyes all said and the studio fading off in the distance as well, the emotion that i feel is not that of sadness over leaving people behind. it is a sense of nostalgia that the girl who came to this town seven years ago would not even remotely recognize the girl who is typing this entry today. this new girl is still much the same as the old girl, but at the same time not anything like her. she has an innocent air about her, but in truth she is jaded. she finds in hard to believe in many of the things she used to like true love and honesty. the girl today wonders if her life is really going to be how she always imagined, and if it isnt, would that be such a bad thing? this girl wonders if maybe all the things that seemed so taboo to her before, like having relationships with people who may not be her "type" or choosing a life of adventure and beauty over a life of predictabilty and stability. this girl has a scar on the inside of her lip and a gash mark on her lower back. this girl did what she wanted during the last summer of her life and she loved it. this girl is 25 pounds heavier. this girl doesnt have a straight plan and doesnt know where shes going.

and i am this girl.

question EVERYTHING.
NEVER say never.

i left the studio today waving goodbye to an orange and brown figure who was standing in the superbright back parking lot where we both had been only 12 hours before. i didnt make it to the stoplight before i started bawling.

beware of the people who are watching you from afar.
they tend to grow on you after awhile.

if i could do this all again, i would have given him a chance much earlier. he was the one i should have been with all along. he was the one i deserved to be with. i should have been with him way back in march when we shot senior samples. or on june 19th when we spent all day in a mansion on lake lanier listening to overdrawn stories about a girl who just wanted some weed and didnt care if she had to go through a homeless person to get to it. i should have been with him at prom. i should have been with him for all those times when the lighting was fantastic and if only i could have someone here with me who actually gave a damn and could appreciate it. i should have been with him all those times when i just wanted to be quiet and still and no one else really got it.

but should haves dont work.

so i have to say that the little time i gave us i was very reluctant at first. scroll down if u must and youll see. i didnt want to get in some weird scenario where i was just asking to get hurt like in the past. i wasnt sure if it would work, or if i was even into it. but in the end it was most excellent and most good.

so when he handed me a gift i could feel through the paper that it was a book but i wasnt supposed to open it until later. i turned into my neighborhood, still bawling. and it hit me. i knew exactly what was in that package. his copy of Fight Club. the book that i love and the book he loves even more. the paperback novel that means so much to him. all i could offer up was a pitiful piece of artwork and a photograph.

i guess he'll probably never know how much i enjoyed my time with him in the end.

but it is just that.

the end.

im so tired of saying goodbye.

and then there were two.

i love you amanda you are truly my hero. thank you for everything you have been to me. thank you for eating a lot of food. thank you for not being able to spell. thank you for being horrible at spanish. thank you for being the most amazing swimmer ever. thank you for having a cool cat named am-y. thank you for being the biggest pimp i know and encouraging me to follow in ur footsteps.

my chica : )

What kind of world do you want?
Make anything
Let's start at the start
Build the master keys
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now.

(yes it does. lets go.)

and then there were three.

i would hate to be one of those kids who has to be here another month while everyone else is away. i cant describe the emptiness i have felt as one by one the people who have meant so much to me over the past few years slowly fade out into the world. i was driving today, and as i drove past the neighborhoods of friends i remembered how if i were to go to their houses they wouldnt be there anymore.

last night kelley came over. i thought it would be this long sentimental reccounting of all the memories we've had over the last seven years, but mostly we just sat and watched coyote ugly on tv and ate cake.

but thats the way its always been and theres no need to change it on the last night we have.

i felt kinda numb as i walked her to the door and we said goodbye. but then i saw a tear in her eye. kelleys eye. the eye that doesnt cry. thats what got me.

she finally went away and i shut the front door and just slid down until i was limp on the floor. so much for being numb.

she came back one more time this morning on her way to breakfast with adam. much of the same, this time she said bye to my parents. her second parents. mammy and pappy. when she left i just went upstairs and got sad for a while. i could hear my mom crying in the kitchen.

i kept thinking, there goes my best friend.

my first and only best friend mind you. the girl i met in the 6th grade right after i moved here and instantly hated. the girl that uses at least 5 hyperboles in any given sentence. the girl who is my polar opposite. the girl who can read my mind.

how can you cut off my arm and my leg and a good portion of my head and still expect me to walk around like nothing happened?

this is what it feels like to lose your friends.

this is what it feels like to be alone in suburbia.

i have never felt like this before. it is emptiness. it is sadness. it is confusion. it is loneliness in a crowd. it is numbness.

im just on go mode right now.

ps: love has the worst sense of timing.

release.

i think i felt every emotion possible today.

i woke up and was dead tired for almost half the day, easily frustrated and annoyed with the tedious task of dorm room shopping with my detail-oriented mother. God bless her, i dont know how i would function without her, but i sure can be mean to her.

went to yousufs to say goodbye. seems like with all my friends thus far you think there's all this stuff that needs to be said because your relationship is so extensive/meaningful/deep, but when you get right down to it you dont say anything that youre feeling really. maybe if youre lucky youll skim the surface a little. but i guess the beauty of all that when it happens is that you and your friend probably know each other and your relationship well enough that you just know how each other feels and you dont have to say all that stuff. youre just ok. just ok.

so after feeling a little sad and nostalgic, i hopped on over to Shallots for sushi with Belton and Jordan. i was a sushi virgin and they made me order the real stuff...the raw stuff. i have to say belton turned me on to fish in the first place and sushi wasnt too bad either. after illegally sharing the all-u-can-eat sushi meal. we left. i had fun and therefore felt happy.

then off to say goodbye to robyn. she was being very robyn-like and rushing around freaking out about what she would bring to college and the fact that she no longer has her own bathroom. we said goodbye and she started to cry and i told her i wasnt having any of that. not tonight. then i got in the car and left and bawled all the way to the studio. i felt so sad. i think what got me was as i drove away i looked back at her house and just all these times came rushing back to me. i remembered how things smelled, the general feeling of the time. spending the night after concerts, eastburg lettuce, studying for econ, random really late night conversations, phylum mold, prom, ddr, my shopping buddy. my robyn . im sure i will keep in touch with robyn but you know that things will never be the same and seeing her house just reminded me of the way things used to be and all the memories weve had and its really been great. i guess the saddest part for me is that i know i will never have a friend even close to robyn. shes such a great person. shes always stuck around and been open and honest with me, and we share the fact that we have little quirks about us that often turn others off, but in the end make us who we are. i will miss the sassy girl who calls certain guys hormonal bastards and who chases down innocent bystanders in the senior lot just to insure that i have a prom date. where else can u find a friend like that.

college life will take some adjusting for her, but it will for us all. she will be just fine and amazing.

so then i was sad.

so i went to the studio where all the cool kids from dinner and dan were painting the studio. i had to clean myself up i looked like a frickin rape victim after my little meltdown in the car. i was so upset i was shaking like it was freezing outside and i felt cold but i know i wasnt.

then i got silly and giddy. finally what ive been looking for for so long. the thing i could never get from the person that should have given it to me. it made me feel better, like i wasnt so wrong for thinking this is the normal progression of things.

then i went to kelley's house. we played on her webcam. we made fun of some certain myspace music. we told stories. damn im gonna miss her. but i wont have to thanks to erape!

the day ended up happy and ultimately like it began: very tired. if im lucky ill get six hours in tonight.

goodnight.

well three down.

i cant believe its time to say goodbye. its not the overall not being able to see some of my friends that saddens me, its the day to day knowing that they wont be there like they were. i wont run into them at target. i wont be able to see them physically grow and change except through pictures or through a computer screen.

these are things you can think about all u want but you dont truly understand until you experience them yourself.

i have a week and a half and i havent done a thing to prepare and meanwhile im trying to spend time with the friends who are still around. this is so hard and stressful. i kinda wish i could sleep through it all.

for now, that is what i will do.

and then it was done.

so the day i thought would never come did. the day that was always in the distant distant future is now the past. my going away party was last night and i think it was a shining success. way more people than i could have ever imagined came out, and i think everyone had a good time, we have tons of extra food though.

i said goodbye to a lot of people for the last time. i said goodbye to a few really close friends for the last time. however as sad as the idea of going off on my own and not knowing anyone and not having these beautiful people around me all the time is, i feel like im not as sad as i thought i would be or as sad as i should be or something. i mean i think i, as well as others, have just reached the point where its like im just ready to move on and ive accepted that change is coming down and my life, and the people in it, will be different now. im ok with what's happening, and i think that is why i dont feel more strongly about what is happening.

either that or im just numb to it all.

wow im really not going to see sarah again. i think i just now realized that i said goodbye to her today. as in the last goodbye before college. wow.

some of the adults asked me how i was feeling right now. honestly, as completely ill-prepared as i am for all this, i feel like the only way i can truly successfully move on wiht my life and feel good about myself is just to get out and start over. i like the person i am today and i think ive changed a lot in a good way, but there are certain things about the old angie that i think i need to revert back to. i need to get back my strong work ethic. my incredible focus. my innocent attitude. my body. my sense of self discipline and self control. my ability to pick out what is good for me and what is not. i need to be able to be ok being alone, and when im not alone, i need to be with someone who is single, around my age, and for sure about his sexuality. i dont think this is too much to ask. my friends keep telling me i deserve a lot, and i hope this is true. i know greatness is out there waiting for me somewhere. i just have to find it. but in the meantime, i dont want to expend my energy in search of something that i shouldnt need to have anyway.