this is going to sound like a bunch of garbled up shit.

but its high time i just spat it all out.

btw eternal sunshine is basically one of the most beautiful films ever. maybe you might not know what is going on sometimes, but in the end its beautiful. i have found recently that i dont like garden state as much as i used to. i still love it. the cinematography is amazing, the characters are dynamic, the humor is unique and interesting, and for that i love it, but i can seem to feel settled with the ending. why did you do that zack braff? why? for such a unique movie such a dry ending.
jordan is not returning my messages and well wishes for his birthday. i sent him a scarf i knit. i hope he likes it. i suppose i wont know since he feels the need to hold grudges. it appears he felt more deeply for me than i realized. i dont enjoy breaking hearts and i dont like being hated. i just want to be friends again. i would love for everything to be normal when i return to the studio, but it wont. there are robots working there now. ms piggy works there. jeremy's gone. not much cool stuff is shot there anymore not like before at least, and jordan hates me.

so maybe i just wont go back.

sometimes, actually a lot of times, i ask myself, "what the fuck are you doing here?" this is in fact God's country. i would totally agree with that. but there are just things about it and im just like i dont know why im here this is not it this is not what i thought it would be there is no opportunity here and that scares the hell out of me because what if i settle what if i get stuck here. what if i become one of these people who doesnt understand how the rest of the world or dammit the rest of the county or the city is. these people who dont understand life outside the south. people who dont understand what kinds of opportunities are out there. opportunities that they could be taking because hell, someone has to and why not you?

why not you?
why not you?
why not me?

i look at craig's list for knoxville in the art section and theres just nothing. nothing. oh wait theres the ever-lucrative field of shooting those ugly-assed victorian style portraits of kids with cheap props in bad sepia and over-charging parents who are way too into their kids to do so. there's nothing. then i look at atlanta and it gets better. seattle, even better. new york, chicago, frisco, amazing. here its just telemarketing scams and tractor trailer parts.

and then i just think, ive got to get out of here.

but where do i go? im going to probably the cheapest place out of state i can possibly imagine. so my thought is go back to georgia. go to atlanta. go somewhere where you can get out and have real world experiences that will help you know the right people. but if i do that, im basically going to end up in a more community college atmosphere. maybe thats wrong. thats not very prestigious. people who do great things dont go to community colleges. fuck i go to university of tennessee. thats not exactly prestigious either. eejkawehfkajhajkdfhgkjadfhajk

im stuck.

this is what its like to be a freshman in college who has always been a little ahead in her emotional traumas and in her first semester freshman year is already losing sleep over career concerns.

but this is my life.

and i want this very badly.

i look around at people chasing whims for majors and just deciding to persue one thing or another because it sounds cool and it makes me realize how bad i actually want this.

then there's always the question of failure.

i suppose failure is a relative term though.

i kinda always secretly admired people in books like on the road, hippies and gypsies just trying to enjoy the ride and allowing the chips to fall where they may. i wish i was more like this, but its an impractical way to live if you want the kind of success i pine for. i want to come back to my high school reunion and have people say, "oh theres a reason she stayed in so much, theres a reason she was a recluse, she was in the process of making something of herself, little did we know...hey look she did amazing things with her life." i admire these people in these books, but then i go to church and i see people living much the same way there. and i have to say, i dont exactly think of people in the church being the types to live precariously in a fashion that exudes harm and bad futures. but many of them bend their plans to God's purpose for their lives. often not knowing why they do what they do, but doing it because they feel called to do so. the fashion designer once from london then from new york who moved to knoxville because she felt called. not knowing for how long she'll be here or what shes going to do. she just felt called. i admire that.


"If He who in Himself can lack nothing chooses to need us, it is because we need to be needed." -CS Lewis

i need to be needed. i know this now.

on the complete opposite end of the spectrum, i think it best that i break from the male world until i figure myself out. emotional instability and romantic relationships dont mix well, ive learned. or maybe romantic relationships cause mental instability. i cant tell at this point. ill investigate further one of these days. until then, you boys can take your penises and your sperm and your overused phrases and save it for someone who doesnt know any better. im pretty sure ill be falling for you sooner or later. but for now im going to take a break. im not going to make any promises on how long this break will last, but i think it will be beneficial.

cause theres not one instance i can recall went i went about all that kind of stuff in the right way. not once.

time changed this morning. so it begins. the decline of my life. its all pop tarts, bad tv, and fleece blankets from here on out. i get seasonal affective disorder i swear. im going to try not to too bad this time but i hear its going to be a long hard winter.

thanksgiving is soon. then christmas. somewhere in between ill be doing some risque shooting. next semester ill visit amanda. and uga again. spring break. summer...though who knows what the hell ill be doing with my time.

im done ranting. no one actually read this whole thing, but its ok i just needed to write it. to sort my thoughts out in the most illogical way.

btw kelley henkel i love you and you are the best friend i could ever ask for.

(cant wait to see your hot ass again)


You may not believe it
But I don't believe in miracles anymore
And when I think about it
I don't believe I ever did for sure
All the things I've said in songs
All the purple prose you bought from me
Reality's just black and white
The sentimental things I'd write
Never meant that much to me


You don't need to hear it
But I'm dried up and sick to death of love
If you need to know it
I never really understood that stuff
All the stars and bleeding hearts
All the tears that welled up in my eyes
Never meant a thing to me
Read 'em as they say and weep
I've never felt enough to cry

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don't stop,
This train don't stop,
This train don't stop there anymore

Noah, tell me I'm a bee.

By far my favorite costume ever. I wish it was socially acceptable for a 19 year old college student to wear a tutu all the time, especially a yellow one. I so would if I could. i decided that maybe i shouldnt go to date parties anymore. i had a great time, but i just always feel bad for the guys. despite the several mile walk back in the rain in basically the sketchiest area of town and getting yelled at by crackheaded homeless men, I had a good time. i dont think it would have mattered how the night went...i was a bee and thats how it went down.

meanwhile photography suddenly exploded on me. im not sure if the kinds of offers im getting are the kinds of things i would really want to have in my portfolio, but i just want to get out there again, and some of these things could actually lead to something...i mean i hate to speak to soon, but working with some of these musical groups and the radio station could potentially get me somewhere closer to where i want to go.

if nothing else its just practice. and most of these jobs fall through anyways, so like i said i dont want to speak too soon. but for now im here and this is how it is and im just gonna go.

oh and i think my style is my own. im above stealing.

your friends are the ones who tell you the things you already know about yourself you just dont want to imagine are real. and to know that i am out there living my life and going through my day to day and they are not proud of me makes me sad. really sad. i just reached a point where i was tired of my life. a variety of new worlds and new paths was opened to me and i saw that my life could be more than just typical boring old angela watson. but as my life gets more "interesting" (if thats what you want to call it) i feel myself drifting further and further away from them. the overdramatization of things. the innocent "oops did i just do that" attitude is no longer an excuse. its getting old. even i know this, and its me we're talking about. i cant decide if the environment im in now is a breeding ground for continuation of this behavior or a clean slate on which to start. honestly as easy as it seems, this is a pattern of behavior i have found myself in. an "oh fuck it" kind of attitude that has led me to take action that is not in harmony with who i am...correction: who i was and who i want to be. guess what angie youre not the shit. and you know all these things and have for a long time, but your friends are the ones who tell you the things you already know about yourself and just dont want to imagine are real. i am far from an amazing character, but i have enough good qualities that i can be loved and accepted and known without acting in these ways or being this other person. it is my greatest fear that i will return home and no one will like me anymore or people will distance themselves from me because ive changed. if i dont have these beautiful individuals, then honestly who do i have? they are my rock. they keep me in check. they keep doing what theyre doing right now. i kinda want to go home. but i cant do that. i want to go home, but then again i really dont.

i always said it doesnt take much to amuse me, and this is true. i laughed for an hour at the whole asthma thing at lunch and that was not funny at all. im ok with being by myself a lot. it doesnt bother me. so i suppose the question is, if these things are true then why am i not more ok with just living a simple life now? find joy in the crime log everyday. go to the movies. go salsa dancing. work on my sketchbook. and just be happy with that. thats all i need. because if my life was like this, then i would never have to question whether my friends love me and are proud of me. this is the kind of life i should live.

say goodnight and go.

im sorry yall. im ready to work on it for real this time.

stupid things ive done.

ok says just put yes or no. its my blog...time to own up to some of my finer moments haha.
Level one
( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Done Weed
(X) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(?) Are / Been In Love
(x) Been Dumped
( ) Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
( ) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 4

Level 3
(x) Snuck Out Of A Parent's House
(x) Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back
( ) Been Arrested
( ) Made Out With A Stranger
( ) Gone Out On A Blind Date

SO FAR: 6

Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped School
(x) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 10

Level 5
( ) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your MYSPACE Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 11

Level 6
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
(x) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Myspace
( ) Been Mosh Pitting

SO FAR: 13

Level 7
( )Been In An Abusive Relationship
( ) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 16

Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone muddin
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 21

Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 26

Level 10
( ) Used A Fake / Someone Else's ID
(x) Watched The Sun Set
(x) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 28

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
( ) Been Robbed / Vandalized
(x) Robbed Someone
(x) Been Misunderstood
( ) Pet A Deer

SO FAR: 31

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
( ) Had Detention
(x)Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 33

Level 13
(x) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 36

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
(x) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 41

Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 45

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons/Colored/Pencils/Markers (hehe i go to school 4 it)
(x) Sang Karaoke
( ) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 49

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
( ) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 52

Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Been Kissed Under A Mistletoe
(x) Watched The Sun Set With Someone You Care / Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere

SO FAR: 57

Level 19
(x) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 61

Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) Screamed "Penis"
( ) Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 63

Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole / Freezer/ice Cube
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes (haha)
(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 66

Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Stayed Up All Night

SO FAR: 70

Level 24
( ) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had / Been In A Tree House
( ) Scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 72

Level 25
( ) Believe In Ghosts
(x) Have / Had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
(x) Gone Streaking
( ) Jail or Visit*

SO FAR: 74

Level 26
( ) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed Into A Pool With All Your Clothes On
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
( ) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 77

Level 27
(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video
(x) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 81

Level 28
(x) Mooned / Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon / Flash You
(x) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) Slept Naked
(x) French Braided Someones Hair
(x) Gone Skinny Dipping
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House

SO FAR: 88

Level 29
( ) Rode A Roller Coaster
( ) Went Scuba-Diving / Snorkeling
( ) Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
( ) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 88

Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
( ) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 92

Level 32
( ) Been shot at
( ) Had sex in the rain/ on a rainy night
( ) Flattened someone tires
(x) Rode your car until the gas light came on
(x) Got five dollars or less worth of gas

So Far: 94

94 out of 150... not too bad, but not too good either. daily beacon crime log here i come : )

autumn came.

it didnt ask.

it left me right where it left me last.

and i didnt know.

and now it starts.

and there is fog inside the glass around my summer heart.

this is the homestretch. about four weeks until i get to go home. it feels like it should go by fast. the weeks do move pretty quickly, i must say. but time as a whole moves quite slowly around these parts. all this anticipation for only a few hurried times with close friends. oh well, im taking it for what its worth, and im pretty excited for the plans i have. cheesecake with the girls. turkey with the fam. art museum by myself. sleeping my bed. locking ourselves in with the nutcracker for a night of permiscuous fun. (sarah we need to talk about this one, its all you, youve gotta help make this magic happen) i think the best part is that once thanksgiving comes it will be no time before we're out for a month...which could quite possibly mean more permiscuous times with the nutcracker...im pumped. but i need a job lets not forget that one.

but as for now, i think im finally getting my focus back, if only for a brief and sadly fleeting time span, at least im getting it back somewhat. ive found going to the library to study helps me focus more. im trying to stay offline a little more. its all working for me. i also have a more clear concious because my big secret has been made known to those who should, and this makes me feel better about things. theres the ever-illusive question of who can i con into coming up here and going with me to my winter formal? i have a gorgeous laundry by shelly seigal dress from bloomies that i got for $96.40...cmon can i have a round of applause on that one. by shoes are really sexy and i wish i had sexy feet to put them on but we deal we deal. now all i need is someone to brave the treacherous territory of drunken females and frat boys scurrying about the dancefloor. jgoitz volunteered once upon a time, but i dont know if the brave little toaster will make it up to the knox to see me. surely i can find someone...this WILL NOT be like prom.

i should steal a shark head.

just cause.

angie watson...reaking havock on south carrick 3rd floor since 2006.

i love it.

im making that dang crime log if it kills me.

oh damn...i hope it doesnt.

"thats joanns fabrics now."-kelley

the picture says it all.

im a little bit confuzzled right now.

a little bit pulled apart.

a little bit chemically imbalanced.

its all part of the game.

ive been slacking off quite a bit in the midst of my little emotional journey in search of where my future is going to take me, and now i am beginning to see that i must move foward and get my shit together. regardless of where i go...if i stay here, if i try to go somewhere i cant afford, if i study abroad, if i study in the us, i must keep the grades up. its the closest thing i have running in my favor so i must do it.

and i suppose this is how i operate. i work well under pressure. i can kick my own ass with the best of them. the truth of the matter is despite appearances i am a very hard worker, i just can be easily detracted when im bored and unmotivated. which seems to be quite often these days. left to my own devices in my current emotional state i would probably be quite happy laying in my bed listening to unfamiliar indie music and eating cookie dough while surfing facebook and recanting on days gone by.

but no.



this weekend was initiation weekend for sorority. it was interesting to think that i underwent exactly the same process that the ladies back in 1867 did. two of the charter members for the ut chapter were at the luncheon today. it was interesting to hear them talk about how the chapter got started. it made me pine to live in those times. sure i would have been suppressed by society as a female. but my role would be to pop out the kids and baste the turkey, and at least in that case my life would have direction.

guys would actually open doors and pay for stuff and say golly and gee instead of godammit all the time and stay out of your pants for the most part.


it scares me that one of these days today will be the good old days.
and as sarah and i established, we would have been frickin sexy as all get out.

smooth like knoxville (grits & a handjob)

i am envious of this girl for several reasons.

1.shes a pimp.
2.she has something in her life that she is absolutely amazing at
3.most importantly these days, she knows where shes going in her life.

how grand it must feel to know that your life has direction.

im not sure where i go now. im looking into my options for transferring or studying a semseter at another school, abroad or otherwise. these things could potentially cause me to be in college for like 6 years, but maybe it will be worth it.

its not so much that i want to be with my friends anymore. its now becoming an issue of am i where i need to be to get the best education and to be in the best place for the workforce with what i want to do with my life.

i dont know.

i mean im sure i could stay here my entire college career and be just fine. but what will happen? i mean what if i fall in love and graduate and then get married and just settle down here? is that what i really want? if you ask me when its happening, ill say yes of course...but ask me today and my ambitions are quite different. i feel like i must appease these desires for success and doing something special with my life before its too late and i settle.

before i fall for the oh so smooth knoxville.

its just hard because theres nowhere good to go to school in georgia. and that is where it would be free for me. so now my parents are paying about 20k for me to go to school each semester. as im looking at schools, i am quickly learning that for a decent school, this is a deal that cant be beat.

and theyve already done so much for me. they dont know i want to transfer. they planned for me to be here four years. i cant ask them to fork over copious amounts of money for me to go to school. i just cant do that to them.

i feel like all i want to do is dive into the water. just jump off and the gravity of my desires and ambitions will lead me straight to where i want to be in life. but in reality i am running around blindfolded and running into every detractor and obstacle possible, miles away from the waster.

so my quest for answers continues.

meanwhile i had possibly my first truly orgasmic musical experience tonight. broken social scene at the bijou theater in the old city. the bijou is a far cry from the fox or the tabernacle, but the 1920s restored theater is still very beautiful. the opening act, do make say think, was absolutely amazing. it was like sitting in on a private impromtu jam session that you expected to go completely haywire and off kilter at any minute but it never did. all the little pieces just came together in such a way that absolutely boggles my mind just trying to decipher it. broken social scene was an auditory all u can eat buffet. their songs certainly went together and all appealed to their audience, but they were so different at the same time. everything from funk dance tunes to melodic instrumentals, i loved it all. this does not happen much, i can typically find something to hate or at least be bored with, but no such thing here.


i guess the long and short of it is that this music was moving. it could be because i am extremely chemically imbalanced right now and possibly just overwhelmingly emotionally fragile, but i found myself truly feeling every song for what it was worth. it almost made me cry.

and this is why we love music. for some of us at certain times it transends this specialized noise and becomes a physical, emotional, and even spiritual experience.

and i got a bitchin t shirt.

lets get out psychology on!


Opponent process theory- if a stimulus causes strong emotion, the opposite emotion occurs when the stimulus ends.



wow how true. when youre in love you feel complete. when it goes away you feel alone. when youre with friends you feel happy, when they go away you feel empty.

kelley says her life is a big question mark that has been taken through a ringer.

haigwood doesnt really need me anymore.

im about to go get initiated into my sorority and im pretty sure this will involve getting naked or wet or naked and wet and maybe a little bit of chanting.

ive got side effects from my flu shot which essentially means i have the flu kinda.

ive got a lot of work to do and no drive to do it.

but there is good news too:

amanda is coming tomorrow! because of sorority junk i wont be able to see her for long but holy crap im finally gonna get to see the love of my life again! and she has a boyfriend again and he is pretty much awesome.

i got a date for the date party which basically never happens so this is pretty exciting...im going to be a bee...its a halloween date party.

concert on saturday night. im going by myself if i have to but im going to that dang concert.

toodles kids its art museum field trip time

ever have one of those days when you feel like you feel so many things that if you tried to convey them all it would come out as this emotional vomit of words and ideas and gestures and pictures and music and sights and smells and actions?

welcome to me today.

heres whats in my brain:

-my 96's in every class are completely MIA. i knew it wouldnt last long. but this is bad very bad because of:

- 2nd thing. im starting to view this whole college thing differently now. whats so bad about moving around a little bit? i mean yes its a pain in the ass to transfer, if not impossible, particularly in lew of my major. but what a journey it could be to just start over every year. think of all you could see and all the people you could meet. this referencing number 1, i must keep the good old grades up because my opportunity finally came. the thing i was looking for all this time. spring at nyu program. i could go. i could live there for five months. it would be safe enough that i could see myself doing it but cool enough because hello its new york. listen at me talking though...i probably wont go.

-im out of love. like i know my emotions change vampidly from hour to hour but seriously i just feel very over it right now. its sad when you realize youve never been in love despite maybe what you thought you thought. no ones really ever loved me like that, and i cant say the same in return. i suppose there's nothing wrong with it, its just a little sad to think about it. im just not interested right now. everything that comes my way is unwelcome, jackass, annoying, morally wrong, or taken. it just isnt working for me right now. id like to find someone who believes the same things i do. who will truly make me a better person. who i can introduce to my friends with confidence. and who i dont have to convince myself i like or who doesnt have to win me over. these things are not occuring now and actually never have occured, so i think im gonna sit this one out for a sec.

-john mayer

-i cant wait to go home for thanksgiving and see everyone. if amanda comes this weekend, kelley and robyn come the next weekend, and my other two girlies come the next weekend. then ill have my formal the next weekend and lets pray i can get a date to that one, thanksgiving will be here before you know it. i cant wait to eat turkey. go to cheesecake factory with my girls. have coffee with sarah. sit around with kelley and my mom. then the end of the semester will be here and they tell me it gets better after that.

-just got an email from kelly telling me haigwood's only gonna need me on weekends during Christmas break. i dont know what im going to do i need money badly. im thinking of all the things i want to do in the future and quickly realizing this is absolutely going to break me financially. then i wonder what im going to do next summer. long ways off i know. the studio doesnt need me anymore. jeremy's at the other studio ive always wanted to work at, but would that be awkward? would they take me? theres always the restaurant, but i just never really found that fulfilling in the long term. dont get me wrong i love it there too.

i want to be a bartender...is that really wrong? i dont think anyone would ever see me doing that either...probably a reason for that. maybe i should go to school for it. ill be the only living bartender who doesnt drink.

-then i just sit here and stare at facebook and think of the 123987128973 things i need to do...all things that would help accomplish these long term goals that worry me so. and instead i pop another reece's into my mouth and write this damn thing.

its womens week at ut! everyone get your feminism on!

i am by no means a feminist...i am an antifeminist. but i must take this opportunity to lead into the point i wanted to make today.

guys will say anything for sex.

i am not saying all guys are this way. there are a few precious gems who give their love freely and happily in the most sensitive and caring and respectful of ways. but in general...if you give a mouse a cookie he'll eat it and rip your clothes off.

seriously though. any compliment you could ever want to hear. i love yous mouthed off faster than anyone ever should. youre so beautiful. youre so amazing. youre so sexy.

and its funny how we females all know this. i know this. but with some males we percive it like a hawk and dismiss it while with others we fall for it.

hook.

line.

sinker.

leather couch.

he loves you bull shit he loves you. if he is within ten feet of your vagina mark him guilty until proven innocent. he doesnt mean a thing.

wow i cant believe i just wrote that.

i sound so angry.

im not angry everyone. im pretty happy. im not too happy with my actions right now, but that has nothing to do with the male race as a whole. so take heart boys, i havent given up on you.

im the slut remember?

word of the day: podunk...look it up its awesome.

i got up late this morning after a long night last night and realized i dont really want to leave roswell. the drive back is always the worst b/c i dont like driving and i dont want to leave and i know theres a stack of work and responsibility once again awaiting me back in my dorm. funny how my house is now my vacation spot.

but things are different here now. all the friends i still have here are moving along and picking out colleges of their own.

roswell high school is like a different planet now. and not in a good way.

the studio, in my eyes, is falling apart at the seams. jeremy's got one foot out the door, and he was my mentor. he was always my favorite to work with because he was the best one there but he didnt have to follow rules or memorize lighting set up diagrams or mathematical lighting formulas to be so. everyone else who's still there looks like robots at computers thumbing through endless numbers of school yearbook shots and entering data into the system. belton's back with his ex. kelly is still wonderful. dan's still getting crazy and getting laid on tuesday nights. jordan acts awkward around me.

i think we'd all like to think that after we all moved out an left every aspect of our roswell lives just threw down into a rapid and unyielding decline. but the truth is its all just change. we probably wouldnt even recognize it if we were still here. but the fact that we go away and then come back makes it all the more apparent that nothing is constant but change.

damn that scares me.

all that being said i must go back now to knoxville. i must make it the five and a half weeks to thanksgiving...im so excited for break. i must finish out the semester strong. i must avoid the stomach virus and the flu. i must give my life a moral face lift. its needed it for a very very long time.

i think i knew that i wanted to make a change in my life as soon as i get back to knoxville, because last night i think i had my final rebellious bout. and there is no explanation for it, certainly no justification for it. i did the almost unthinkable and i have no defense. i could say im just doing whatever i can to make it to the top, but that doesnt really apply here. it was wrong. just wrong. i just pray to God there's no fallout from it. i will never be able to talk about it because no one could ever forgive me for it. but thats ok. the plan now is to just turn and go.

turn and go.

turn and run.

heres to real love.

annnnnnnnnnnnd...


we're done.

at the risk of going back on what i write or contradicting myself with my words or actions later on, im just gonna say that im done with life as it is now. cant do it anymore. its eating me up inside, and i dont think i really realized it.

for like 17 years i lived my life very conservatively, very protected. men showed no interest in me ever, and when they did it was some kind of sick yearbook table joke. i always followed the rules and never even considered anything else as a possibility.

but things have changed and what i must realize is that just because those things were all true in the past, my actions dictate the person i am today and in the future. therefore just because it used to not be a characteristic of me to be a slut ho, that doesnt mean my actions today dont make me one. i cant rely on that "this is totally a not 'me' thing to do, but..." prefix anymore because truth is, people change, the characteristics of yesterday DO NOT dictate who i am and how i am percieved today. this is the greatest beauty and the greatest downfall in life.

i had my rebellious fun. i got a taste of the other side. its not to say i dont want to be crazy and have fun with my life, but this is not the way to do it. its not right.

i cut my last main tie to roswell last week.

i caught up with old friends.

i reconciled with my artner.

i kicked ass in art class.

all of these things have led to a kind of inner calmness about me. and that calmness leads me back to the unturbulent angie. the one who makes mistakes but really does her best.

i must find God again.

what kind of world do you want?

what kind of world do you want?

i felt like writing again today. actually i guess at this hour its tomorrow, but no matter. its funny when you come home. you dont really feel like you left until you think about certain things like you should be at school or your stuff isnt all here and all such things. same thing when i saw all my friends at uga. even though much has happened since the last time i saw them, i still feel like i never really left them.

went to the studio today. it was awkward with jordan. jeremy had put his two weeks notice in this morning. there were like 7 new employees, all female extra special angie replacements. everyone looked like little robots on computers and phones. it worries me that everytime ive been there since i moved out there has been no shooting going on in the back. belton said we should hang out tonight and we'd do something super crazy and fun. he called a few hours later and said he was tired and wanted to go home. he then went so far as to say that he wouldnt be able to hang out with me at all while im here. i couldnt figure out if he was telling the truth or if it had something to do with the whole jordan thing. im pretty sure im now the studio bitch.

what kind of world do i want?
what kind of world do i want?

i just told my artner i want the right to change my mind. the right to not have to pick apart and examine every little move and every little decision like its the last one ill ever be able to make.i want a loft apartment. i want to have fun. i want to be interesting. i want to reach others with my work. i want enough money to buy art. i want to be satisfied. i want to be sure in my uncertainty. i want to be ok.

and thats that.

like the slice of chocolate pie you dont need.
like the pair of heels that cost 50 dollars too much.
like the awesome earrings that you dont have anything to match.
like the cute puppy who will rip up everything in your house.
like the joke you know will offend almost everyone in the room.
like the shirt you dont even like that much but damn it was so on sale.

somethings are irresistible.

despite that the pies full of sugar and calories.
despite that the heels are uncomfortable and will cause you to overdraw.
despite that the earrings are essentially useless to you.
despite that the puppy may ruin your life.
despite that you will be considered a party foul in and of yourself after telling that joke.
despite that the shirt isnt even cute.

we do it anyway because we juuuuuust cant help ourselves.

so despite the fact that what has happened in the past was not pretty.

despite all the shit ive talked.

despite the fact that i thoroughly convinced myself that all was said and done.

i realize that there are just some certain people who come into your life and leave you changed. they hurt you the worst but the highs are equally high and maybe even higher.

and you dont know why and you know it doesnt make sense and you know your friends are going to be dissappointed in you. b

but everyone's got that person. that vice. that love that will never go away no matter you think you want.

on and on and on and on and on...


Baby, baby since you've been gone I ain't doing so good
I don't get up, paint my face and go out like I should
Baby you turned a clear night sky into a dark, dark hole
And when I see a sunset now I'm just looking at a painting in a cheap motel.

Baby I'm going on without you
Maybe I'm even gonna get through
But baby I'll tell you something that'll never be true
Baby, I'll get over you

amy millan, baby i.

mr fabulous and i are done. apparently he and i were done like a week or two ago, which is what i thought, but when you still get calls almost every night and i love yous and kisses it kinda all doesnt make sense and you no longer know whats going on. im not sure how i feel about that relationship. i cant decide if it was a rebound or just me being stupid and getting caught up in things or just me wanting to hang onto anything familiar or just me wanting to be in love or maybe it was true and just bad timing mixed in with a little bad chemistry in the end. im not really sure.

worst part is i think i broke his heart. i should probably feel more remorse about this. both the heart breaking and the end of this relationship. i just need to move on.

haha back to where i was all these months before.

at this time id like to give another shout out to my "everyone would want to f--- us if we lived in the 40's bitch" ms sarah bluvas. of course i would love to have coffee with you darling. im guessing we have a lot of catching up to do. and yes youre right, i was not expecting such a request from you, but im oober happy i got one : )


damn that pie is good.

why should the fire die?

what a crazy week. i think when i go home tomorrow night im just going to sleep and not wake up for awhile. and this is very ok with me. midterms are death on a plate except no one really warned me that it was actually midterm.

this weekend was the uga ut football game, so i made the significantly long trek to athens to see my loves.for whatever reason, it took me forever to get there. but once i was there, i have to say it was the best time ive had since i moved up here. i felt a little more like i was actually getting the college experience. just hanging out and having fun with friends a lot like i did in high school, but more collegeish. haha. one day i will have this kind of thing going for me here at ut, but until then it was nice having my phone ringing off the hook with people who wanted to see me and do things with me. so here goes...highlights of the weekend:

-seeing laura just go completely off her ass roybn zone style and start stealing food in a gurilla-like manner at the indoor? tailgate in jenny's room.

-caitlyn's post-game wrap up in kelleys hall ("this is our defense" *lays down)

-bobby

-yousuf on friday ("what the fuck man, what the fuck...dude youre fucked up")

-everyone running hysterically/for their lives, including jenny who lived there, from jenny's drunk roomate.

-laying in the field in front of russell at like 3am

-wheat thins

-kelleys roomate, oh wait she doesnt have one

-brunch food/sitting at brunch like 32874298 hours longer than it took to eat making fun of rhs administrators

-getting slightly harassed by uga fans and even moreso flirted with my ut fans

-vintage shopping downtown at agora

-facebooking with robyn

-the super bad frat party

-jay may of course

so my overall impression of uga? i definitely like it better now than i did originally. its hard to compare because theyre two very different schools. im not going to rule out any possibility of transfer even though im pretty sure one day ill be happy here.

as soon as i get home i am faced with two tests i havent studied for, a huge art project that isnt done, and a plethora of text messages from mr fabulous that freaked me out.

maybe i need to be done with boys and just become a ten cent ho to get my kicks. im not good at this relationship stuff. im sorry though, when you break up with someone you dont turn around and kiss them and tell you you love them. thats called being an overbearing man slut who needs to control his hormones. im just saying.

heres to the friends who will talk you through it and then some.
heres to the friends who you know and they know you and youre just comfy with each other.
heres to the friends who will give you their underwear.

go vols.

i made it through the weekend...i cant believe it. now only 4.5 days until i get to go to athens. im soo excited. im ready to see people, and theyll see how im failing at this whole life on my own thing, but it will be worth it just to be with my family again.

i went on a sorority retreat this weekend. i think im going to stick with it. at least see how i feel about it after a year. we played never have i ever (im such a prude i almost won), and it made me realize that maybe there are girls in this group i can identify with. and oddly enough there seem to be a few who already care about me. i even joked around and laughed a little bit. this is new. during the retreat we sat in a circle and went around explaining what object we brought along that was important to us. most brought childhood stuffed animals, pieces of jewelry, or sentimental gifts from graduation. i was never too big on the stuffed animal thing, and i didnt have anything i cared about too terribly much in a sentimental way, so as i was packing i chose a few photographs from the montage above my bed to bring along. as i was putting them in my bag, i realized they were all from this past year...the best year of my life. the last year of my life. i also realized that each image was from a distictive event and of a person/people who will have a lasting impact on my life:

the picture of the ten bs in the burbs that was in the yearbook
kelley and amanda pointing out into oblivion in the ocean on spring break
yousuf making a goofy face during our solo photoshoot
jenny at nirvana the morning after graduation
me holding up amanda's casted arm before prom
me, jax, ryan and yousuf on the couch at their photoshoot at the studio
jordan in the field on a sunny afternoon in july, camera to his face
robyn and i on one of our last nights together dressed like complete sluts
a pile of the people i love the most and could never forget on my couch at my graduation party

these are the people. the times. the memories. that i will cherish forever. they have made me who i am today, and that is why i brought them with me.

SARAH BLUVAS: i cant wait for cheesecake...youre awesome

[d00d check out the myspace it looks awesome and im now up to 690 friends yeyah)

everybody get your release on.

today i did two things i hadnt done in a very long time:
1. take pictures
2. feel pretty

this would be the time when all the females reading this rush to the "add comment" button at the bottom of this post to leave the standard "omg angie seriously you are gorgeous so dont even talk like that" comment. but dont worry chicas, though it is considered an almost call of duty of sorts among females, you need not worry about that today. truth is, i am not looking to good these days. i have early classes and half the time im covered in charcoal or plaster or Lord knows what else. i rarely wear makeup and i find dressing even casually nice is a difficult task. i feel myself slipping in this department and i know i must do something about it. and im trying. i guess only other girls would understand this, but there are just times in your life where you just dont feel attractive at all, no matter what you do. today was a nice break from that. i took a trick back to the olden days (haha literally, look at that dress) and got dressed up and took pictures like i used to. i only got one run in with a cop (i think he was mostly just checking my camera out) and one redneck encounter, he just wanted my number...i think i was supposed to be impressed that he was actually a graduate of ut not a student (then wtf are you doing on campus at 6pm on a friday?). but the point is, despite the fact that i got some weird glances due to the extreme plaidness of my dress as i walked over to McClung, it felt nice to be producing something...even though i would have liked to be working with someone else or doing something really cool or be back at haigwood studios. for now, an awesome vintage dress and my favorite heels will do.

things are looking up. im doing what i can to reach out to different people. after the retreat tomorrow night my decision will hopefully be made as to whether im sticking with pi phi or abandoning greek life.

but the best news of all is that theres only one week until i go to UGA! im sooo excited to see everyone. im so glad that theyre kinda all centralized in one location, its very convenient. i cant wait to be comfortable around people again. i feel so awkward here.

so heres to those of us who have achieved our release. for me it is becoming comfortable here so that i can proceed with photography and so that i can, i dunno have friends. its also going back to the ones i love and the ones im still convinced are my soulmates. for kelley its the weekend, wherever she may find herself. for ashley its her mattress that was lost right in front of her face. for about 97.835% of UT students, its the copious amounts of alcohol theyre consuming tonight. and for yousuf, well buddy im sure you had a good time tonight.

heres to chillaxin with mama's chex mix, chicken soup, and fig newtons at 1130 in the dorm room watching donnie darko and knitting.

goodnight little children : )

premature grandma.

im really trying to change things. be a little more proactive about my fate. try to get a little more on top of my school work. get some sleep. go to the gym. lay off the damn cookies. i am going to meet with the dean of student affairs hopefully within the week to discuss what my options are and what he would suggest for me to do.

as is: this wont do.

truth is im not very happy here right now. and i hate to say that even though i suppose anyone smart enough to be able to read this could probably deduce this for themselves. i just hate to admit that at least for the moment im kinda failing. i mean i know im not failing, but the fact that im not having the most awesome time of my life makes me feel a little stupid for not just taking the easy way out.


but rhoda rhoda rhoda says youre gonna make it after all mary tyler moore.

so i have all these little goals that i surely wont do, just like new years resolutions. ill think about them, ignore them and chalk them up to "good ideas at the time" so the plan right now is to do whatever i can to get my name out there. decide if the greek life is really the life for me. try to find my place somewhere. and for the love of queso take some damn pictures again.

the good news is a byproduct of my depression just so happens to be handknit scarves. and many of you will be reaping the benefits of that in the coming months. w00t go premature grandmas.

is it just me or is it kinda not ok to get your douche at the flea market?

i feel so gross i just ate a box of cookies.

like seriously.

i went to the flea market today and you wanna talk about hick redneck central...well i found it. nascar collectors edition coozies, fresh pork rines, swords of all kinds, tie dye colored bongs, and of course eagles on everything.

then theres a douche.

im sorry but why would u buy that at a flea market.

also why would you live in kodak, tennessee.

these are things that i dont understand.

but i got a dress and a retro addidas jacket together for the price of 5 bucks and even though i may look a little grandma-esque in the dress my ass looks a little more on the fabulous side if i can even say that with confidence, so im ok with it.

i also got donnie darko and eternal sunshine... all for the low low price today only of 18 bucks. so go podunk town redneck people. you can keep your Jesus throw blankets and your homemade beeswax and your handcrafted bluegrass fiddle, but we can all use cheap dvds for lazy days in the dorm now and then.

i like the weekends because theres no class and its a little of a break, but they get so damn lonely. and then u go to target and all you want to do is get some rubbermaid containers to store your fall sweaters that your mom brought up this weekend and you end up listening to stop this train in the car on your way home and before you know it you have to pull off into a side lot to pull yourself together because if you pulled up to the dorm like this theyd surely call the mental ward on you.

i swear these days id cling onto anything that seems familiar.

i think i realized today one of the important functions my friends back in roswell had: convincing me that im not crazy. ill be the first to admit im not totally normal, but my friends not only loved and accepted me despite this, they made me believe that my behavior was actually quite normal. now there is no one here to do that. they just give me weird looks. im the outcast art major from the other side of the border. this has moved beyond the point of just not having friends. im carrying a weight upon myself that is too heavy to bear long term. i am questioning who i am and what my identity really is. i was at least somewhat prepared to move on and make new friends, but that was harder than i thought. and i certainly wasnt prepared for this identity meltdown that is now occuring. i have cried more in the last two months than i ever have in my life. i live for phonecalls from random people and letters i know will never come. im so scared everyone else will have moved on and i will still be stuck in this ugly state of mind.

a baby sleeps in all our bones
so scared to be alone.

but i am not the only one feeling this way. appears my suitemate and i have much in common. the waiting for it all to come is the hardest part.

No I'm not the girl I used to be lately,
See you met me at an interesting time.
And If my past is any sign of your future,
You should be warned before i let you inside.

I will beg my way into your garden,
Then I'll break my way out when it rains,
Just to get back to the place where I started
So I can want you back all over again
(I don't really understand)

ugh i just wrote a full post and deleted it. while the drama always provides plently of material, im pretty sure everyones pretty tired of emo angie. including angie. i suppose im just procrasting from the art history flashcards that surely await me. every 28 days i hate myself. and now i cant really sort my feelings out. i dont have much to think or say. i basically just go. my numb little life. buzzing around knoxville doin my thang the best i can.

oh, my egg broke all over the place. i was so happy to see it go though. i was kinda hoping that it my burst into flames or explode or start leaking nuclear waste product on its way down, but no such luck.

i went to starbucks with some girls from Bible study this afternoon. am i wrong for thinking its ok to be a "real" Christian? that its ok to know im not perfect and maybe even accept and be ok with it? to understand that i let the fbomb slip a little bit too much for the church's taste? is this outright rejection of my faith? i should hope not, i really want to be a good person. but im no angel and i dont want to be fake. thats why ive never led a Bible study or run around trying to convert people. im not exactly the perfect model of faith.

but i think we all do the best we can in everything and hope that its enough to get us by.

i write you letters.
but i dont send them.
i just cant figure out how to end them.

remnants from my weekend in suburbia.

i rent a room and i
fill the spaces with
wooden places to
make it feel like home
but all i feels alone.

seems like i forgot to listen to the rest of the song:

everybody is just a stranger
but thats the danger in
going my own way
i guess thats the price i have to pay
still everything happens
for a reason
its no reason not to ask myself
if i am living it right.

this weekend was probably the best thing i could have done. i still dont want to get over high school. and now i have admitted that to myself. sometimes there are things in your life that you dont realize were great or dont realize you miss until theyre gone.

like high school and all that in entails.

like haigwood studios.

like mammy's cookies.

like carpet on the floor.

like beds not on stilts.

like jordan interns.

like predictability.

like my interest in photography.

if you knew how much youd miss it when it was gone i dont think you would miss it as much when it was gone. if you knew how much it really meant to you beforehand you would cherish it and love it to death and youd have few qualms about leaving it because you could say you did everything you possibly could. but that my dears is not how we operate.

but i take comfort in the fact that im not alone in my journey. yesterday i probably spent a grand total of four hours on the phone. quite rediculous i should say. i should probably be spending that time going out and meeting people or at least studying or knitting or rotting in my own filth or something. but i enjoy every second of it. when jenny reeves the genuis whos strong and been to hell and back and still stands up straight and speaks good english tells me shes not so sure how she feels right now. i know im going to be ok.

i changed my relationship status on facebook and thanks to that dang minifeed i got a wave of concerned messages and emails or just hellos from people that i knew were a result of the gigantic flashing ANGIE IS ALONE EVERYONE DONT POINT TOO MUCH SHE MIGHT NOTICE going across their computer screens.

truth is i dont think im very sure where we stand. i cant really put a name to it. after last nights conversation, i dont think anything has really changed, i just dont have a title anymore. i think its fear of heartbrake driving his decisions. or maybe fear that a title means pressure to move foward in directions that just arent possible for us right now. maybe he just wants to keep his options open. maybe he just doesnt want to say goodbye for real. maybe he cant let me go. im pretty sure its all of the above.

i dont want to get myself into a friends with benefits situation, but i dont feel like thats what this is.

and it appears that i never will do conventional.

but the truth is, i will be back in roswell in 3.25 weeks. after that, its a maze of date parties, mixers, papers, midterms, projects, games, trips to uga, rhs homecoming, visitors, finals, and christmastime. it will all be here before i realize it. so im not going to worry too much about all that. i go to class in what i slept in with no makeup, unfortunately. so i dont think anyone else is going to snatch me up anytime soon. and right now theres a lot of things i need to do. so ill go to class. try to make myself go running. make phone calls. read up on photography. do my laundry. go to Bible study. keep my room clean. try to get my name out here. dumb down my photography to try to get my groove back again. call home. go to games. go to the flea market on the weekends. try to finish knitting that scarf i need to.

and these little tasks are what get us by, because robyn say:
1. boys are hormonal bastards
2. take it day by day

i think my plan satisfies both.

You´re the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I´ll claim I did
But in truth I´m lost for words

im back in knoxville. what a bittersweet weekend if there ever was one.

being home is comforting and awkward at the same time because you know everything that was isnt anymore and everything you were and everything you had doesnt belong to you anymore, at least it doesnt the way it used to. i kept feeling like i had to ask permission to get a glass of water in my own home and despite the fact that everything was still where it used to be, i didnt feel like it belonged to me anymore. eating the food at home was great. sleeping in my own bed was divine. seeing jordan was lovely, and i even got flowers which doesnt happen to a girl like myself ever.

but amongst all this everything is so bittersweet.

because you know everytime you get closer it makes the farther away part harder and harder. and youre just setting yourself up to get hurt in the long run. but that is what love is about. taking chances. having faith.

and no yousuf, i dont have all the answers on religious topics. im fairly retarded on the subject. but i have faith. and that is what it is all about. believing in something you dont quite understand.

like the birth of evil.

and the relationship that may or may not have been doomed to begin with.

details arent essential, but last night at 1 am i found myself at haigwood studios. alone, i walked all around the inside. other than minor modifications, it is still very much the same place. different soap in the bathroom. a new modeling chair. new sync for the camera. new computer up front. but the jist of the place was very much the same. still smelled the same.

the simple fact that that was not the first time i had walked the place alone at 1 in the morning says a lot.

so i woke up this morning feeling very strange. i didnt know where i was at anymore. i thought this trip would help me bring closure to it all, but in the end i didnt know how to feel. then it all came down and once and hit me.

"angie just let it the fuck go."

my last eight months in roswell were undoubtedly the best time of my life. and im lucky enough to have this record right here of that time. it was such a time of growth for me. i loved the things that happened and who i became as a result. even the things that hurt and that were bad were what i believe to be an essential part of that phase of my life and i feel like i am better for them. my last eight months in roswell were amazing and i cant let go of them. im still in the mindset that this is camp or a bad dream or a long vacation and soon enough i will wake up and we will all drive our cars to the senior lot and listen to liming yammer about confidence intervals. go to haigwood, joke around with jeremy. go home do some math. get online and talk to my artner. call it a day. repeat. but angie that is over now.

pack up your things girl its time to move on.

it is so hard to admit to yourself that youre living in the past and you must move foward and be your own person and grow and not let that baggage get you down and to just stop living in a fantasy that isnt going to happen.

you cant go back.
you can never go back.

and that hurts the most.

that is the demon that has been hiding and lurking. holding me back. silently killing me. i have to let go of a life that is done. by truly letting go, i am basically understanding that im am truly treading out on my own. completely this time. im scared of what is ahead, but i just have to let go.

and that is why when jordan said goodbye tonight. and i knew it was different this time because it was goodbye for real this time, i didnt break down or freak out or get scared or get angry.

we take these things day by day.

i write tonights entry to you from good ole roswell georgia. it feels so good to be back here. a little weird, but i dont think enough time has passed yet to get that surreal feeling you get.

however i have to say it was weird packing a bag to come to my own house.

opening my closet and seeing only my sucky clothes were inside.

my makeup isnt sprawled out on my vanity.

kelley isnt downstairs.

i didnt go to or care about the rhs football game today.

i feel separated from this place yet i still feel such a strong connection to it.

in truth i loved roswell. i am suburbanite, queen of the suburbs haha. the charm of atlanta right at your fingertips with the safety and cozy feeling of a small town. we have it all right here.

and that is why i loved being a bitch in the burbs.

i feel very much older. like my parents treat me a little less like a child even though they still worry about me making it here in the traffic ok and still want to know where i go at night and when ill be home etc.

my mom made roast and mashed potatoes and peas and rolls and chocolate pie. and i didnt eat it off a tray. and it had salt in it.

tonight i will get in my bed and i wont have to climb a ladder to do so. theres carpet here. no florescent lights will be found here my dears ...this place kinda sounds like heaven when you compare certain things.

my advice to you current seniors: take it all in a remember it, appreciate it.

you wont but ill tell u to anyway. no one ever really does.

which brings me to my next point: how frickin amazing is jmay? i mean cmon. when my copy of continuum arrived in the mail on wednesday, i looked at the box, carefully opened it, looked through the booklet, and then slowly slipped it into my computer thinking "here is the soundtrack to the next four years of my life" i know sarah will probably write some anonymously-signed "john mayer sucks" comment on this but oh well, you can say what you want but he is amazing at the guitar, his tunes are mad crazy funky get down, and the lyrics are so eloquent and well-spoken, i see my life in his songs.

as i scanned through the cd for the first time i stumbled upon a song called "stop this train". if there was ever a song that so correctly and effectively put how i truly deep inside felt, it would have to be this one. check it out:

Once in awhile when it's good
it'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
and you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
till you cry when you're driving
away in the dark
just singing

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed
it's movin' in
I know I can't
'cuz now I see
I'll never stop this train

so i turn the lights out and go to sleep in my comfy bed now. no roomates, no tile floor, no ass water. just a place i love even though maybe only for the nostalgia of it all. it feels empty here now, but home is home.

i know i know two entries in one day when i may very well be pms-ing is not really a welcome thing but bite me ok.

i keep wondering to myself if i made a horrible mistake. what if this is not where im supposed to be? everyone said just go to uga thats where everyone goes free education. i just looked at their programs. much more specific than here. free education. closer to home. free education. i may have royally fucked this one up. the truth is i am scared absolutely shitless and the future is so unclear now. the things that used to define me as a person basically like my friends my photography i dont have those things anymore. the things i never thought would leave me despite changes in physical location are gone. i dont hate i here i dont. but i dont see myself anymore. i see this distant person whos just numb and uncertain about everything.

i rent a room and i
fill the spaces with
wooden places to
make it feel like home
but all i feels alone

the company we keep.

i think we often forget how many other people feel the way we do. even when our situations are drastically different and we've had vastly different experiences, its not as hard as you think to find common ground. so im sitting here on the cold floor of my dorm room contemplating this prospect.

yousuf says life being simply "good" is adequate and really the best we can hope for.

ashley says i have a right to change my mind. and a right to grilled cheese sandwiches whenever i want them.

robyn says shes tired of feeling like the only one.

jordan says he misses me.

my parents say im misguided.

kelley says this whole college thing isnt all its cracked up to be.

belton says he's depressed.

my grandma says happy birthday.

i say what are you gonna do. this is my life. this is how it goes now. everything i had is gone or different and its bad and its good and its confusing and its wonderful and the long and short of it is im alone in a crowd.

but im not.

there are others.

when i hear robyn tell me shes frustrated with the way things are and she tells me about what shes thinking and feeling thats when i know that despite the way i feel 99% of the time i am not a freak. my feelings are valid and true and not so taboo that no one else on this earth feels the same way. when i think about my life past three days from now i want to scream. when i think about my relationship past tomorrow it freaks me out. when i wonder if there really is a future for me here in orange country i get scared. but thats just the thing. thats no way to live your life. there is a time and a place when you just have to say "fuck it" and go.

so you make your parents pay too much money for you to go to an out of state school you may end up hating at the risk you come back and everyone views you as the failure who tried to move on and couldnt.

you talk to the guy downstairs who's drunk all the time.

you decide that youre not going to compromise yourself no matter how much it hurts.

you drive 200 miles back home on sketchy premises just to be in his arms for a little bit.

and then we hope that it gets better and we hope it works out whatever that means and we hope that we'll be forgiven and we hope we can change and we hope we stay the same. all because we grew up and life moved on and someone forgot to tell us.

"theres a reason why, im gone and youre still there."

excuse my french holy shit.

we're totally bitchin. thats all im gonna say b/c thats all that needs to be said. my soulmate and i strike again.

this weekend was bound to be fun and good and cool but it was never really supposed to be amazing. i was soooo excited that kelley was coming to celebrate my bday, just to see a familiar face was great. we went out to dinner with my parents friday night and ate way too much yummy food. then rode the hip hop ghetto style trolley back to campus because shrek was already over, melancholie and the infinite sadness.

we slept in until 12:30 on saturday despite the plethora of Happy BDay! calls i was getting from people. waited in line for like 45 minutes to get a totally bitchin waffle and meanwhile kelleys cereal got really gross. came back to the dorm and realized that i was going to have a pretty uneventful birthday, which in truth was fine with me, because i was just happy to have kelley here, but if there was a possibility of fun times, i was all over it. we had been reccounting how great a place roswell really is all weekend, and i had been saying how i wish i had gone home for labor day. to see jordan. to sleep in my really comfy bed. to eat good food. just to be comfy again. and i really did wish i had gone home. i mean i didnt really want to have to wait a whole nother month before i saw jordan again, and that was how it was shaping up to be. and seeing kelley and my parents and hearing robyn talking about going home just made me want to do it even more. jokingly i turned to kelley and said "haha we should go to roswell". but it was one of those times when youre joking and then you realize that you arent.

30 minutes and a tank of gas later kelley and i are in the car with a mission: 75 south to atlanta.

we were only there for about ten hours. we slept at my house and got up at six this morning. came back to the dorm and got dressed just in time to meet my parents for brunch. for two very unrebellious, and to the outer world very uniteresting people, this was basically the most awesome thing ever. i never did sneak out of my house in high school. i never went on a roadtrip. so at the newly-turned age of nineteen i suppose i decided to kill two birds with one stone. i think every birthday i have had has been memorable for one reason or another. usually its for the parties had or some particular gift that stands out in my mind. this year it was for being with two people i missed very dearly and for the first time in almost a month being HOME.

yes there is a large list of reasons why and how this could have ended horribly. but sometimes you just have to hit your go button and do it. if master belton ever taught me anything it was that. live your life.

and we got away with it. wow.
so happy birthday to me, it was amazing. thank you to the participants and all of you who left nice comments and phone calls for me. i love you all dearly truly. and next time youre sitting around bored, say to yourself, well if im just gonna be sitting here not doing much i should at least be moving while i do it. get in the car. go.

inside jokes from this weekend:

K: "Are you seriously going to brush your teeth in the car?"
(Angie spits all over herself)

K: "This summer we should rent a bobcat and just get a pile of shit and just run over it."
A: "What would you run over?"
K: "An egg. A girl scout. Y*****. A cockroach. Survive this nuclear war bitch."

K: "I bet his is yellow or removable or something like that."
A: "Like a lego?"
K: "Yeah like that."

K: "You might want to get that off of you before we go to brunch with your parents."

Text from dad: "What are you guys up to?"
J: "Take a picture!"

K: "The penis: mother nature's best joke."

Songs of the weekend:
"Into the Ocean." Blue October
"Policeman's Christmas Party" Five for Fighting

the weekend is here thank the Lord. I am failing basically everything including social existence right now so its going to be nice to get a break. plus tomorrow is my birthday! and more importantly, kelley will be here in about an hour.

i dont think there was ever really a time when i dreaded or wasnt excited to see kelley, but i believe i will be happier than ive ever been to see her today. its not that i expect her and myself to not make new friends or that im holding out for some kind of long distace friendship, but kelley and i are soulmates. if she had a weiner she'd do me...she said it. i just havent found people here that appreciate that bitter, cruel, blunt, crude, hyperbolic, sarcastic sense of humor yet and until i do, i miss kelley like no other.

here's to the girls whoe are better friends with their friends' parents than they are with their friends. kelleys watching reno and the girls next door every sunday with my dad (awkward). ashley's chattin it up and throwing pots with my mom. jordan's climbing in windows at the o'connor's house. robyns having half hour long phone conversations with my mom. and im reaping the benefits of several birthday care packages from all my friends' moms. big mac daddy bri should be jealous: look who got mrs abree's cookies and who didnt.

im so glad shes going to be here. i keep forgetting tomorrow is my birthday. its like once you move out of the house your birthday ceases to exist. and im actually ok with that, but the main reason i always liked birthdays was that they were always a good excuse to get everyone together and eat copious amounts of food. no more of that i suppose. which i guess means kelley and i will just have to eat enough food and laugh enough for the ten of us. it shouldnt be a problem.

we are creatures of habit who hate change and i am the worst of them. dude click on the picture though its hilarious. facebook's gone all crazy and now not only is it easy to stalk people, i feel like a stalker just for logging onto the site. thanks to the new facebook, i now know that andrew clipped his toenails four minutes ago, suzy is devastated because she just got her heart broken cause her not so much boyfriend anymore just decided hes gonna play for the other team 34 minutes ago, and i will get hit by a car on volunteer blvd in about 14 hours. sorry guys, you were wrong on this one.

lets face it, everyone who has a facebook is a stalker, we all secretly check out the recently updated profiles to see whats new, we scour pictures of people we dont really know that well just to see if we can pick out any scandalous occurences in the obscurity of the background, and we add people to our buddy lists that we know we'll never talk to just to look cool and just to read their away messages. we're all stalkers. but cmon mark zuckerberg, we like to keep our stalking on the dl. kinda like how we all dont feel that bad about eating a cookie when it falls on the floor even if it clearly surpassed the socially acceptable norm mean floor-time of five seconds. or how we love to see our ex's squirm and squander in the nothingness that is their life. or how we find it a little funny that britney spears is such a redneck hobag these days. or how you always grab a huge wad of napkins at any given fast food restaurant when we all know good and well you wont use them all and then youll throw them away and hope that some green kid doesnt come by and yell at you about the hole in the ozone and the slowly fading beauty of the caribou.

we're all stalkers. we're all socially unacceptable. but shhh keep it down, someones gonna find us out.

and then it wasnt summer anymore.

its been raining here in knoxvegas. how appropriate. i am so excited for this weekend i cant even convey how excited i am to see kelley. for a little while, im going to get the rest of my mind and soul back. i cant wait!

you know who i realized i really missed but didnt really realize how much i missed him? belton. what an awesome guy. i dont really think its socially typical to hang out with your significantly older coworker from alabama, but i did it and i wish i had done it more often. everyone used to always think he liked me esp when he started asking me to go to dinner with him etc, but he was always like "eww its angie thats gross".

i think there are certain people that come into your life and you should never let go of them because if you do and youre not lucky or fortunte enough to ever get them back, what a grand loss for you.

belton is one of those people for me.

and i will listen to belton and not be fake and make friends when it comes to me and hang out with him more when im back in the well.

robyn called today. "robyn, what really keeps me going these days is a good dick joke and knowing that someone out there in the world appreciates it."

i swear i have the most perverted friends. except im one of them too. and we're actually not perverted. we just find certain taboo subjects hilarious. and this is what i miss. being able to insert some certain innappropriate anatomy into any given sentence and knowing that it will be funny and you will almost piss your pants and robyn will choke on her apple and almost spit out her water as that kid that says "hi how are you" twenty times a day while standing five inches from you tonsils walks by and the female police officer guns another scrawny sophomore down for drugs. so to all of my 3rd period lunch chicas, who live to laugh at the wrong time at the wrong thing, i say i love you.

"i wanna be on that" -kelley
"here is a list of things angie has done in her car in alphabetical order" -angie
"you just went there!" -everyone
"robyn say: do not put out for hormonal bastard"-robyn
"robyn say: i felt it and it was small" -robyn
"angie you are a fucking hot ass shit bitch"-kelley
"omg he has a hybrid car...hes in it for the long haul"-angie
"its like a joystick kinda"-kelley
"thats not big"-christi
"if thats small im scared"-angie
"does anyone know what blue balls is?"-robyn
"i'll have the std a la mode"-ashley
"i have bad luck with bananas"-angie
"oh wait, im a bird. oh wait i need to jack off"-kelley
"this is all your fault, it always is...we were just talking about coke until angie came along"-kelley

wow. i am a gross person. i love my life.

some days just kinda suck in general.

today it rained and this weekend despite my parents being here and having a lovely time with them i couldnt help but wish i was at home b/c all of my bitches in the burbs were at home and my parents live there too so it could have worked out nicely. i miss homecooked food and more importantly my bed. familiarity and friends. the studio.

belton just called and he is depressed. seems like everything is collapsing. everything is changing. but i think wise old belton is right in that he believes that my leaving them (at the studio) and possibly others was not an ending in a relationship with them, but rather a beginning. now that i am gone, i will really realize how cool they were and how much i loved them and how much they really meant to me. and belton is, as usual, right.

i feel very much alone here and this is mostly my fault b/c i dont put myself out there enough. but those who know me know this is not me and this is not how i am. belton says i can make lots of friends if i just act fake. he is right, but i just dont want to do that. there are some people that you surround yourself with and you just know that you could never be friends with them. its not anything personal, you just aren't each other's types. so whats the use wasting your time with people you know you will never be close to?

in other news, i think im screwed because my go to girl kelley spilled the beans to my parents this weekend and i dont think they are very happy. i dont know if this is because i just didnt tell them or because they dont like the situation in general. either way i feel like shit. i dont know what to do. i dont know how i get into these situations. there are just times when you have to follow your heart and your gut and maybe thats not always the most favorable thing to do but what are you gonna do about it?

im really ready to be comfortable in my life.

to have friends here.

to be ok with being open with my parents.

to be able to make decisions decisively.

to be ok with my decisions.

dear parents: im sorry i cant be perfect and i cant talk to you andi cant be who you want me to be but for once im just trying to go with it and live.

[sorry for the rants kids]

we beat california which is good b/c they were pretty much evil hippies and stuff. basically ut football is insane. orange everywhere and the campus now reeks of alcohol. i swear its true.

yet somehow i find myself back at my dorm room at this insanely early hour. its just how i am.

my parents are here this weekend and their presence makes me realize how much of a life and myself i have left behind, and how much i have moved on despite what seems like slow progress over the past two weeks. i cant really tell if this realization makes me miss home or makes me appreciate what i now have. perhaps its a little of both. i realized this weekend what a pleasant and beautiful little city knoxville is. with the worlds fair park, market square, the art museum, the river, the color orange. last night we just walked around the city and it was just one of those perfect nights. windo blowly slightly, perfect temperature, great date night. my date just so happened to be a few hundred miles away : ) i love being here and independent and basically choosing how i want to run my days and persuing what i want to ultimately do. at the same time seeing my parents made me remember the things i loved about home. coming home from school and the studio and eating a yummy homecooked meal. sleeping in my oober-comfy bed. staying up online with yousuf and/or robyn until 1 am when i knew good and well i had to be up in 5 hours and hadn't studied for that geology test and event though geology is supposed to be a crap class you still need to study. going out to football games when that first chill wind of fall hits the air and you know this year will hit fast and hard and knowing youll be home and in bed by 12:30. these are the things of my roswell life.

sometimes change is so slow you dont realize its happening but i may be beginning to get a feel for this place.

"never regret the things that once made you smile because at the time it was exactly what you wanted."

i discovered this quote the other day on my gamma chi's facebook and it made me realize why i should truly never regret anything. usually things "seemed like a good idea" at the time otherwise you wouldnt do them in the first place. we all have our skeletons in the closet, but only if we let them haunt us are they really ever a problem.