itching to be f***ed

so a lot has gone down since last we spoke. thats right, we're conversing now...you and me.

i left carthage saturday morning and drove the windy stretch of I-40 back to the knox just in time for gregs arrival. we spent the afternoon noshing at tomato heads, which is a guaranteed dining spot for anyone who comes and visits me at UT, touring th campus, walking the old city, and chilling in my dorm.

who knew equador was a place of major slavery?

now you know.

after an unenthusiastic "welcome to moes" and the dinner that followed we got dressed and headed over to this ultra ghetto room in the bottom of one of the dining facilities complete with exposed brick walls, faux stained glass light fixtures, and burnt orange bucket seats...naturally this room made the perfect backdrop for pre-formal pictures. we spent about an hour photo-ing it up and completely missed my big's pregaming session at her apartment because of it. oh damn.

which brings me to this: why cant i have friends at ut who will do stupid crazy stuff like goofing off and taking off the wall messed up retro style pictures in dressy attire with me? is that too much to ask?

greg says all the girls at ut kinda look and act the same. i think hes onto something.

so then we made the trek over to the bus full of drunken sorority girls and their frat boy counterparts. naturally the safe and logical inclination is to fit as many intoxicated people on the bus as possible. so they do. greg gets flashed by a variety of my sisters during this time...much to his chagringe.

we arrive at the women's basketball hall of fame aka: "super secret location" and greg and i spend the next two hours or so looking from above down on the dance floor making fun of our drunken peers and assigning them appropriate stereotypes ie: "guy who dances by himself" "guy who gropes his girlfriend" "guy who is completely whipped" etc. then greg and i got on the floor and showed them how its done in A Town. and believe me they were impressed. and one of my sisters thought greg was very hot. so that was good times. then of course there was barclay who was in a class all his own. namely because his name is barclay and was pissed about his confiscated flask and had no trouble telling everyone about how angered he was concerning this injustice. then there was the couple who was literally doing it on the dance floor...literally. save some for later guys geez.

so then we waited for the bus which literally came 30 minutes late. trecked back to the dorm. did some super spy ninja tactics to get greg into the room without complications of my ra. did some bitchin photoshop and called it a night.

the next morning we had breakfast with a hungover "nurse liz" and then greg was gone like a flash.

so yes, the saying is true. there are some days when we all wish we were greg jarvis. and even though ive never actually been greg jarvis, at least i can say i got to chill with him for a while.

friday november 17, 2006 715pm...actually locally its 615pm damn im in another time zone go me.

greetings all from the town of brush creek, tennessee which just so happens to not be anywhere near knoxville or the university of tennessee.

yes i was supposed to be at the university of tennessee tonight. but i was going to be the only one in the suite and theres nothing to do on campus and i have a feeling all i would have done would be eat cookies and wallow in the fact that i could have totally told greg to save the mileage on his car and somehow scored some death cab tickets, and slept in my own bed or at least chill out in athens for the weekend...and thus solidifying a week and a half long thanksgiving break haha.

but im glad gregs coming up and im glad im going to formal because its important and its fun and its social and i should try social every once in a while. but i didnt want to wallow tonight and i didnt want to be lonely. so i went to brush creek, tennessee.

actually for sanity's sake we'll call it carthage, tennessee...home of al gore and the lead singer of lonestar.

i went home with my suite mate elizabeth tonight. she kept trying to invite me to come with her, but it just never worked out for me with my schedule and such. this weekend it didnt work out either. greg is coming tomorrow. i have work i need to get done. errands to run before i leave campus for thanksgiving break. but i went anyway...hell might as well. and im glad i did.

yeah im only gonna be here about 16 hours or so. and Lord knows im already driving enough in the next few days. but i find this a crucial part of my journey. with the semester quickly coming to a close, new relationships forming, old standards there and ready as always. old relationships reblossoming, evaluations of self ever changing, ambitions on the rise, my future taking shape before my eyes, and other newfound perspectives on my life, the people in it, and whats really important in life, i feel like i need this. i need this week and a half. maybe this short period will be the most important week of my life. maybe the most memorable one. i can only hope that if it is, it is only for good things.

ive always thought influence to be a very important thing in life, and this week im going to get a lot of influence by being around some great people. people i need to be around. *

today its elizabeth and the people of carthage.
tomorrow its greg and my drunken pi phis
sunday a call to grandma and some quality time with some old friends
monday kelley mammy and pappy
tuesday haigwood studios
wednesday bitches in the burbs
thursday-sunday more old friends and super important super awesome people including but not limited to sarah bluvas, alex jud, heather jenkins, belton chappelle, more kelley henkel , ashley shitted her pants sparling and of course the lovely robyn abree.

*pertinent lessons and realizations will come with each passing day and may change based on people and environment.

so anyways THAT was just the introduction. the next few days are going to go by like a flash. and as much as i hate that, i love it when youre having such a great time that time passes like a flash.

160 miles later im in brush creek, tennessee. i feel like im on vacation, not because im in some exotic destination, but because i have escaped my cinder block domain and come to this small but peaceful place even if only my main activity consists of reading my psychologist-perscribed book "the anxiety and phobia workbook". elizabeth said it kinda depressed her to be here because this now seems so small and dull compared to knoxville. funny how i kinda felt the same way about knoxville. shes right though, visiting a home in the small town south typically tends not to bend toward the happy side of the spectrum. as a young adult who is making real attempts toward success, your recognize the lack of opportunity in places like these. it makes you realize how much you want to prove everyone else wrong. how much you want to do better and be better.

but something ive realized is that we discredit places like these. yes this is the podunk south. there are trailer homes with couches in the front yard and cars and school buses that havent moved for years. but if you say you want to travel the world if you say you want to see it all, then you have to start in your own country. if you dont understand the ways of your people, or at least educate yourself in them. then youll never truly know it all, no matter how many countries you visit or how many languages you speak.

theres something about a small town that gets me every time. im sure its because of my roots in one. elizabeth and i drove back to her house with the most amazing sunset as our backdrop. its amazing how many colors the sky can be when it feels like it. and you know what, it doesnt always feel like it. it went from a muted soft grey into these great grey-pink dollops all across the sky. ending in a purple and pink etching on the horizon. i swear its true. we went to see her grandparents i felt the love. i felt the bond. and they extended a hand to me. we came to her house and ate a wonderful meal, some of the best home cooked food ive ever tasted. but most importantly, i went outside an hour ago to get my math book, and the sky was black. not orange or purple or airplane-filled, but black. grant it, i kinda feared for my life as her street seems like the perfect location for some kind of drive-by country abduction, but the sky was black and i could see all of it, uninterrupted. this is something we dont get very often.

so i take these things with me. the awe-inspiring sunset. the beautiful rolling tennessee hills. the southern hospitality.

like it or not the south is in my blood. i will always find comfort here and though often hidden, i will always have a special appreciation for this place and what it is and what it has been to me.

say goodnight and go.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

im so bored.

im bored of my classes. bored with my schedule. bored with sitting in this cinder block cubicle i call home. bored of knowing my friends through pictures and computer screens and long distance calls. bored with cafeteria food. bored with art history flash cards. bored with still lifes.

im so ready.

ready to get out of here. ready to laugh for real. ready to sleep in my bed. ready to pick up my camera again. ready to feel whole again. ready for something different. ready for something new.

i feel so flat these days.

haha i know what youre thinking...yes folks my bra size is lacking so in reality my flatness is not just a figment of my imagination. but thats not the kind of flat im talking about. im talking about a flattness of inner self. as far as my ambitions for the future in schooling and career, i am at least somewhat optimistic and hopeful. but personally, i very numb. i just keep wondering how many letdowns it will take for me to finally just give up. this is most certainly a cycle i get myself into...but things will be much better soon.

thanksgiving
fun times with the loves of my life
stressful finals
the end of the semester
more fun times with the loves of my life
Jesus bday bing drinking? haha
Christmas
New Years
Semester number two
ill be back and i wont be able to imagine my life any other way
work hard
find inspiration
fall in love
summmmer....

maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again
i dont know i dont know i dont know i think so.

i really dont give a flying flatoot about the emperor justinian and his attendents from the early byzantine empire in the church of san vitale at ravenna, italy in 547 CE or AD or whichever you choose to call it. and i certainly dont care to memorize these facts. if im lucky theyll leave my mind after about 1240 tomorrow and quite possibly never return again. if im lucky theyll stay long enough to help me pass my art history quiz.

you know they tell you to have fun and enjoy life. but its hard when you spend your time memorizing facts and making futile attempts not to sleep through lectures. helen has this quote up on the wall that says it perfectly:


"ive learned one thing here and thats to quit worrying about stupid things. you have four years to be irresponsible here. relax. work is for people with jobs. you'll never remember class time, but you'll remember the time you wasted hanging out with your friends. so, stay out late. go out on a tuesday when you have a paper due on wednesday. spend money you don't have. drink til sunrise. the work never ends, but college does."
-tom petty

he's right. so that basically makes my decision for me right? i should screw classes, leave on sunday and head to athens. thats what i'd like to do anyways. therefore it is what i should do right? ughh but then the parents start laying on the guilt trup and talking about metzs and it just makes me feel like ive gotta be the perfect child once again.

but then its your life
its your life
but then its your life
its your life
but youve only got one.

the exetentialist postmodern ipod generation apathetic bird flu world.

ive gotten on this kick where if i dont know something...i look it up and read about it. apparently its called being an educated citizen...who knew? so what do i look up today? some famous serial killers of course. its actually good because we're learning about fucked up people in psychology right now and this just goes right a long with the curriculum.

basically, ive found that inspiration for creative ideas for projects whether in photography or otherwise is often found by gaining knowledge and material through reading about things, looking at advertisements and other photography in magazines and such and watching movies. just getting out there and seeing whats up in the world really helps.

so i hope to gain a little knowledge about postmodernism. the effects of mass media on culture. maybe throw a little sociological analysis of our lovely generation, and i may have something going for me here. these are all things im somewhat fascinated with, so hopefully it will lead to something. ive got lots of great photography ideas floating around in my head right now, but when i think of distinct images, or how this is going to go down with the given models i have or the given setting i have or the given budget i have, it just doesnt always work out in my head.

1 weeeeeeeeeeeek.

do some drawing and furniture action tomorrow. art history and psych quizzes and a progressive dinner on wednesday. more drawing and furniture and vfc on thursday. class and shopping on friday. greg and formal on saturday. greg and pseudothanksgiving dinner on sunday. math on monday. and if im lucky im outta here after that.

now where to go once i leave God's country?

im sooooo ready. so so ready.

nonstop turkey party.

ok i have to go draw bananas.

its important.

hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love.

i was recently asked what ive learned and it is surely this: we are all more alike than we realize and sometimes we're more different than we realize.

ive got friends still in high school. ive got friends in college in georgia. ive got friends in college in tennessee. ive got friends in college all over the country. ive got friends in the city. friends in the boonies. friends who are 18. friends who are 45. friends who are 75. friends who are black. friends who are white. yellow and brown friends. friends who would sell their soul to get married. friends who vow to stay single the rest of their lives. friends who lead Bible studies. friends who do drugs. friends who are in love. friends who find love alluding them everyday.

and amongst all these differences there's always some kind of amazing common ground.

so yeah girls. we're still looking. and yeah, we always go back to the things we told ourselves we never would. and yeah, we're always gonna have a friend who is a complete psycho bitch. and yeah, we're always going to have that friend we're not supposed to have. and yeah, we're always going to question what we do. and yeah, we're never going to live our lives quite as much as we should.

we're all a lot more alike than we think.

so that was a pretty good 15 hours or so. its funny how full a room can feel and in an instant how very empty it can seem. i looked at the clock: 3:45. just as much of the weekend left to be than had already passed. i want to go somewhere. i should go down to athens. amanda is sleeping alone tonight. i should go see her. beltons drunk up in gburg, that would be an interesting time.

but i dont. partially because i dont love driving 75 at night. trucks suck major ass. partially because i know i only have a week left here. i can do this. no need to put extra mileage on the car. partially because i have things that need to get done, and times like these are the perfect times to do it. psychology notes need to be written, furniture needs to be designed, art history needs to be studied, art critiques need to be typed, portfolios need to updated, prints need to be ordered, money needs to be dropped off, pen and ink drawings need to be completed...its all got to get done. might as well be ahead and ready for it right?

this weekend could be the best weekend of my life and im just letting it be mundane.

i shouldnt feel bad about it. these trips cost money. money i dont have.

one week. one week.

the man: to fear or to fuck?

have you ever experienced this phenomenon that you have an idea put into your head, or you come to some realization within yourself, and then thereafter that thing shows up in your life repeatedly to no end?

meet: me.

last night, or i suppose rather early this morning, i get called out for the things i dont do with my life. my hypocrisy. my inability to recognize and do what i want (or even what is truly fair), my stupidity in just doing what others expect from me.

the above argument makes me feel like shit about myself. but i dont loathe in it. i just get very pensive about it. i realize that as much as my girlfriends mean to me, i have other friends who care about me as well, and they deserve equal credit and favor. just because theyre newer doesnt mean they deserve any less. i assume they give me their all, and its only fair for me to return the favor. so to my girlfriends i must say this: i love you soooo much. you know i do. but the honest truth is, (and if you havent recognized this already you surely will when we all get back together) we are all alcoholic sluts now. and i for one am totally ok with that. theres no need for us to hold each other down like that. this is all part of life. we've gotta go out there and do our thing and show the world what we're made of in both the best and worst ways. and most importantly, we need to have our girlfriends there for us to let us know that all this is ok. yes its ok if you got drunk and made a horrible mistake. yes its ok if you dont have your life figured out right now. we need that assurance from these people, but it wont come unless we adjust our perceptions of the norm and understand a little more of what each of us is all about these days. so once again to my girlfriends, im pretty sure you love me back. and if this is truly true then you can be ok with me no matter how i choose to spend my time and who i choose to spend my time with. knowing how important each of you is to me, i can confidently say that i owe you one...or five thousand. so whatever you do im always going to love you. (and if you do bad stuff ill probably love you more haha).i hope the return favor stands.

so if you dont mind im going to try to live my life a little more. and in the process do it my way. and this time i wont use you girlfriends as a cheap blame excuse for why i shouldnt be a certain way or do a certain thing. im the guilty party on this one. and yes, he is my friend and im hoping he always will be.

[its not so pleasant and its not so conventional, it sure as hell aint normal but we deal we deal.]

what was said made me feel horrible though. how am i supposed to achieve my grand dreams when i cant even live my life in the podunk south?

the answer is as follows: one day at a time. i cant do it by myself, but i must. i must try at least. and i must be an observer of the world and all its worth and i must take it all in. the heartache, the breathtaking moments, the scenery, the people, the love will all come together eventually in the pallette of my mind and put me at a creative advantage over those who missed the good stuff because they didnt take the time to look out the window.

the truth is as clementine puts it: I’m just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. I’m not perfect.


its not an excuse. its just a fact.

so like i said, these things all come up in conversation last night. particularly this idea of truly living my life and not letting fear or other people dictate what i do.

i have so many thoughts rolling around in my head im like a machine in art class. ive never been that focused on a piece before. it could have been the cinnamon in my bagel this morning, or the marathon of sufjan stevens, iron and wine and coldplay during class on my ipod. or it could have been all the junk i was thinking about.

couldnt stand it anymore. after class i went for a run. by definition i hate running. after its over i love the feeling i have. but ive always had a hard time making myself move anywhere too quickly. i ran down to the river as i sometimes do, but i took a different path along the bank today. it was a beatiful day. i dont know how, but somehow i managed to cross through the industrial district and before i realized it i was running alongside I-40. i found my way back to campus, and when i came back to the room, mary beth said, "have you been running all this time?" "yes," i replied "do you realize youve been running for an hour?" she said. no i hadnt. i dont run. i certainly dont run for an hour.

so i suppose that was my first true emotional exercising experience. the music was right, the weather was right, and i was in the right state of mind to be angry and agressive at pounding the pavement.

i go to sculpture class redfaced even after a shower. i go to dinner. japanese bread crumb crusted talapia. mashed potatoes. mixed steemed vegetables. half a peanut butter cookie. i go to vfc and the speaker says this when defining fear of man:

"excessive sinful concern for what others think."

this hits me hard. this is just what just came up last night. this is what im dealing with and its following me around and haunting me. someones trying to tell me something.

stop being so fucking afraid of everything.

have you ever experienced this phenomenon that you have an idea put into your head, or you come to some realization within yourself, and then thereafter that thing shows up in your life repeatedly to no end?

yeah...see above

one of these days ill find my hilton head. until then i must depart. two of my favorite youngins arrive tomorrow, five days of school, then greg, then who knows what goes down after that. im pretty pumped for whatever it is.

hunger hurts but starving works, when it costs too much to love.

i could rage i could rant i could get pissed off but i just dont have it in me anymore.

every friend counts. and friends who are there for you in different ways than others count just as much as your "traditional" friends. and if people have a problem with that then fuck them.

you know what, i messed up. i did things i shouldnt have. then bragged about it. i sought redemtion in the eyes of people who cant redeem me anyway. and then i complained. i complained about the results of tough endings of relationships. i dug myself a hole and then got pissed off when they threw me in it. and im not cut out for this. ive got dreams and this is why they wont happen because i am fucked up its pretty plain and simple that all there is to it. i am incapable of stepping back for a second and not being a fucking hypocrite about it all. i wanted something bigger and better than where i came from but i cant seem to be the kind of person i need to get there. even when i try i do it wrong. i mess it up. i have always been one to stomp on the faces of those who really care about me. no i dont live my life. maybe if i knew how i would. every time i try to do something out of the ordinary i go too far. i mess it up. i do it wrong.

we all have parts of us that are ugly. we wear clothes because well for one its the socially acceptable thing to do, but also because we cover up what is biologically secretive and possibly embarrasing to us.

we all have parts of us that are ugly. and from time to time someone rips our clothes off and exposes us for what we really are.

i dont know how to deal with this. im not perfect and i hope that one day in your life youll realize you arent either. but im not going to point fingers or place blame or backlash because thats a childish thing to do. so i roll over and play dead. i take all the data into my brain and then have no idea what to do with it. you know i wish i could be the way i want to be but its a process and me crying my eyes out as i am now does not help things.

i wish my grandma was down at the beach again this winter. i should go see her. i should call her. i should talk to my parents. i havent talked to them since they left.

i wish i could go anywhere. but i cant right now. only like one week left.

im stuck i dont know hands up white flag.

i surrender.

[i just fixed my profile and im not really a fan but i suppose ill deal with it for now. i want you guys to still be able to make comments if you feel so inclined, but i suck at html, so theres that. theres also new links to blogs of friends, as it seems many are coming to understand the theraputic ability selling your life on the world wide web can have. if you are one of these people and dont want your address on this page, or would like for me to put it up here, let me know.] that being said...


watched it all night
but grew up in spite of it.
watched it all night
but grew up in spite of it.

i put this old picture up from the pink and white grad party to go along with what im thinking and feeling today.

first of all, i would like to let amanda know how proud i am of her and how much i love her. in light of recent events, it may be seen as odd that i am saying this now, but it has nothing to do with those events (or maybe it does a little bit, haha thats weird), but seriously amanda, you are out there doing what you love and kicking every one's ass while you do it. you are a true exemplory of taking life for what its worth, and at the same time, never taking it too seriously. though distance separates, i still love you just as much as i did when you were sitting in front of me and confused in mrs wesners class, as much as i did when you were laying next to me in my bed on some ambigious saturday night fucking around with innocent young men on myspace, as much as i did the may night we terrorized the entire city of roswell as you made illegal lane changes and screamed out to your anti-boyfriend nelly rap cd, as much as i did all those times you drove me around in the blue monster windows down dolphin hanging from the rearview mirror.

you are an example of what the rest of us strive to be. what the rest of us wish we were. the girl we will never regret having in our lives. the girl we will only regret that we didnt get to be around more often. few people can boast that while they exhibit behavior some would frown upon, they still have an almost saintly demeanor.

im so proud of you. and so proud that i can say i have known you as i do.

plus between your words and the words of caitlyn's blog i get to hear just what i need to hear right now.

this is your life. do what you want.

go cry about it why dont you.
go cry about it why dont you.
go cry about it why dont you.
my dear we're slow dancing in a burning room.

the truth of the matter is our generation is so lost and hopeless because no one in this world will believe in us. we fight apathy. we're scared we wont make it. we blame stuff on our parents. we wish we could have grown up in the good old days. people blame technology for our so called epidemic of laziness. we just want the same things people of the world have always wanted: to be accepted. to have and know love. to feel important. to be successful. to find meaning in our lives. to love what we do. to have someone to lay beside at night. these are all universal truths that dont change regardless of how time wears on society.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love


i am just wandering around looking for someone to tell me what to do. i am wandering around wondering if i should just go ahead and do what my id tells me to. or if i should take a step back.

at this point i think the only reason im looking at stepping back is because thats what im supposed to.

amanda says live your life.

i say amanda kicks ass.

lego of my ego.

if you can find something to love in rainy day.

you wont have a worry in the world.

if you can find something to love in a rainy day.

you are set.


we all walk around now and breathe a little heaver because we realize that we can see our breaths and that makes us a little more fascinated, a little more invovled in it all.

just kinda makes me cold.

Thanks to some website for this next quote:

Id

The Id contains our primitive drives and operates largely according to the pleasure principle, whereby its two main goals are the seeking of pleasure and the avoidance of pain.

It has no real perception of reality and seeks to satisfy its needs through what Freud called the primary processes that dominate the existence of infants, including hunger and self-protection.

The energy for the Id's actions come from libido, which is the energy storehouse.

The id has 2 major instincts:

* Eros: the life instinct that motivates people to focus on pleasure-seeking tendencies (e.g., sexual urges).
* Thanatos: the death instinct that motivates people to use aggressive urges to destroy.

Ego

Unlike the Id, the Ego is aware of reality and hence operates via the reality principle, whereby it recognizes what is real and understands that behaviors have consequences. This includes the effects of social rules that are necessary in order to live and socialize with other people. It uses secondary processes (perception, recognition, judgment and memory) that are developed during childhood.

The dilemma of the Ego is that it has to somehow balance the demands of the Id and Super ego with the constraints of reality.

The Ego controls higher mental processes such as reasoning and problem-solving, which it uses to solve the Id-Super ego dilemma, creatively finding ways to safely satisfy the Id's basic urges within the constraints of the Super ego.
Super ego

The Super ego contains our values and social morals, which often come from the rules of right and wrong that we learned in childhood from our parents (this is Freud, remember) and are contained in the conscience.

The Super ego has a model of an ego ideal and which it uses as a prototype against which to compare the ego (and towards which it encourages the ego to move).

The Super ego is a counterbalance to the Id, and seeks to inhibit the Id's pleasure-seeking demands, particularly those for sex and aggression.



this stuff is what we're talking about in psychology...freuds theory of behavior involving the id, ego and superego.

can someone point me to my ego? the rational thing that sorts out the inner conflicts between moral insanity and all out sodomy?

the id lies beneath the water surface of the concious mind according to freud. the things you savagely want and desire to do, often which defy social and societal norms are entirely below concious reasoning. you want things you didnt even know you wanted.

and apparently thats ok. cause the superego will come in and try to be the saintly hero. then the ego will step in and balance it all out.

so can someone please point me in the direction of my ego? that would be great.

kiss by a rose

old habits are hard.

very hard.

to break.

its been one year. one amazing year. one interesting year. one life changing year.

all because i decided no one would die if i skipped dinner with friends and was a little late to the football game.

what the future holds is a very grand mystery for me now. the important thing is this: dont get scared. people who get scared dont live. they never do what they intended because they are always too busy preparing. i cant be this person. i wish there was a way to make this college thing go by faster. i know this is a part of life and a very fun experience, but at the same time, if i could be out there living my dreams wouldnt that be pretty fun too? i could be amazing. i could be different. the worlds going to end in 2012. we must get a move on. we must cram lifespans of 70, 80 or even 90 years into the next 5.

ive been thinking a lot about simultaneous life lately. how we each live our own separate lives all at once. its 7:04pm on a sunday, heres my predictions:

_helens typing a paper. i know this is true b/c shes sitting right here.
_robyns recovering from illness and attempting to study.
_jordan's bored.
_alex is considering doing homework but will probably wait until 2 tomorrow morning.
_my parents are sitting down to dinner.
_kelleys mourning the incumbent week.
_beltons thinking about life with his dog.
_gregs wistfully driving home way too fast.
_charlie's hopefully not in the art building.
_my grandma is sitting in front of the tv worrying about the world.

its interesting how many things and thoughts and moods and feelings can occur at one time.

appppppparently, i may be a hypochondriac. ive always known i have some certain tendencies, but maybe this is true. i think im mostly afraid of going out of my mind in some respect. in the end being afraid of having problems makes you have problems. i see this now. of course i dont think theres a true artist out there who is completely sane. so maybe this means im on my way to becoming a true artist.

i went out with "liz" this weekend. made some friends. saw the college party life in action. it was quite interesting. i shall hopefully do it again soon.

until then, off to the homework ive been avoiding literally all afternoon. gotta get done with college asap, the aztec meteor's on its way.

lyin in bed, just like brian wilson did.

i just realized ive been sitting at this computer since like seriously 5 this afternoon. thats awful. oh well, im just glad home football season is over after tomorrow. its exciting and stuff but mostly it limits the flexibility of how you spend your time on the weekend. im ready to have weekends when i can move my car whenver i want and go places and travel to visit my friends and such. this week has just been one of those lazy unmotivated and depressing weekends. theres nothing to do except what you dont want to do. im sleepy and i didnt do anything.

the doctor says i should regulate my sleep patterns. and eat better. and exercise regularly. and these things will make me better.

its cold outside.

2.5 weeks till thanksgiving.

theres spiders to build, still lifes to finish, photography professors to beg, formals to seek dates for, and selfs to get back in order until that time.

when youre dreaming with a broken heart.
the waking up is the hardest part.

im a loser baby so why dont u kill me

go cry about it why dont you?
go cry about it why dont you?
go cry about it why dont you?
my dear we're slow dancing in a burning room.


I am slow dancing in a burning room. cant stay here cant go back. my entire body feels tight. yoga helps for a while. i dont even really want to eat much anymore. i actually feel fine despite these things, but my body's reaction tells me otherwise. this is getting to the point where it transcends just being a little lonely to the point of being dangerous. i dont know what to do anymore. believe me if there were easy answers id have hashed it out long ago. but there arent. its so hard to find people you can truly identify with. everyones an alcholic or a pothead or a nerd or a combination thereof. theres nothing in between.

am i just, as they say here at tennessee, "shit out of luck?"

like kelley i find joy in other people's suffering. as horrible as it is, its nice to me to know that someone else isnt loving the college life. and there are still a few of us who have a little more than just slight doubts about our present as well as our future.

kelley doesnt know where to go.

jonathans out.

jenny's considering leaving.

alex is ready to graduate.

i dont know what the fuck jordan is doing, hes totally mia from my life.

minnie mouse apparently misses rawell according to her text.

helen wants to open the fucking window but she cant.

i want to get out of this ordeal without having to be on mind altering medication. i just want to take pictures. and be normal. and laugh.

i have no anxiety release anymore, and that is why somewhere between question 8: which of the following is not associated with anorexia nervosa? and question 9: the canon-bard theory differs from the modern theory in which of the following ways? i find myself clenched up wondering how im going to explain all this to the professor. how i can escape and still pass the class.

that test was easy. no need to worry. certainly no need for panic.

i cant seek my comfort in psychological medication and i wont seek it in chemical substance. i am not going to be that girl who loves college but doesnt even resemble the girl she used to be b/c she compromised herself so much to get where she is. i cant be that girl.

my dear we're slow dancing in a burning room.

im going to go to sleep now. i dont know when im going to wake up. lets hope sometime tomorrow, i still like the earth pretty good and all, im not ready to say goodbye yet. but ill go to sleep tonight and hope that when i awake pavlov's dogs will still be salivating into their cute little test tubes at the sound of the metronome.

just like he said they would.

im sorry kelley i had to tell them, they hadnt seen you in days and you werent answering your phone. you really cant just disappear like that for a few days and expect no one to notice. you have many people who care about you where you are.

on the other hand, if i disappeared for a few days here, no one would notice. for real. my only hope would be if helen realized my pride and joys were still here and i wasnt: computer, camera, car keys. or if yousuf noticed that i hadnt been online in a while. or if ashley took note that i hadnt poked her in a few days. or kelley missed getting random texts from me.

these would be my only hope.

but seriously kelley, go back to your damn alma mater. i love you! for real though, i do. i cant wait to see everyone at thanksgiving. i miss all of you so much. and even if i dont call or talk online or whatever i think about each of you daily, and sometimes the stupidest things remind me of yall.

today is halloween. frank the bunny do yo thang. its funny to think back on this very day throughout the years of my life. once upon a time i was a black kitty in sylacauga, alabama, a hula girl in tulsa, shirley feeney in roswell georgia, and a redheaded slut bitch with social problems in knoxville tennessee.

oh the calories.

remember the candy you always got and you were like eww im not ever gonna eat this no matter how desperate i get after ive eaten everything? i sure do. my least faves included CANDY CORN (b/c lets face it, no one actually likes eating candy corn they just do b/c its october or something like that), BIT O'HONEY- i have no idea what the fuck this candy is but the wrapper always tripped me out so i didnt eat it, TOOTSIE ROLLS/TOOTSIE ROLL POPS- ummm people, a lot of kids dont like these yet theyre cheap so everyone gives you like 23483729847 of them and you end up giving them to your neighbor's cat to try to kill it or was that just me (jk jk animal rights yesssss), NECCO-that shit is chalk that they try to make cause its cheaper to feed kids chalk than have to go through the overhead costs of getting islander slave worker produced sugar cane to put into candy, CHARLESTON CHEW-did anyone else notice that that is just rubber but they put it in this huge stick and write "chocolate" on it so kids are amazed and run around saying "i have a big chocolate stick" and they dont really care how it tastes anymore? there are lots of ways to get big chocolate sticks in the world without eating charleston chew i know this for sure, APPLES TOOTHBRUSHES DENTAL FLOSS OR POPCORN- hey adults, these items are not candy...you are not walmart so save the toiletries for you own hygenic issues. ususally use of this kind of so called "halloween treat" incurred for one of two reasons: 1. your neighbor is a dentist or health nut and feels the need to spread their radical facist views throughout the neighborhood 2. your neighbored whored themself with the halloween candy last night and now theres nothing left for the kiddies, HOMEMADE TREATS- these always sucked because no matter how delicious and sweet they looked, your parents were absolutely certain that they contained razor blades, poison, coccaine, or some combination thereof...because we all know coccaine dealers want nothing more than to spread their precious blow to the eight year olds of suburbia in chocolate-coated form, and finally and most certainly least MARY JANES- can you say marijuana reference on children's candy? plus this candy is wrapped in something that for some reason reminds me of a garbage bag, i dont know what it is and i dont care, it looks like something one of the sketch-assed mexicans on frasier street would try to sell you at 11pm im not gonna eat it.

so that is my manifesto on halloween candy.

i hope that those of you who did not spend the entire evening intoxicating and whoring yourselfs can enjoy your candy free of these aforementioned atrocities to confectionary society.

happy halloween kids

kerouac said it well.

i had one of those "every emotion possible days today". in the end i found myself on the floor of the art building covered in charcoal holding back tears talking to my dad whos in chicago now.

you cant go back and you cant stay here.

thats what my heart says.

i guess its just normal to have these doubts. but i wish it was just cut and dry and i could know that these are just doubts and not instances when youre supposed to go with your gut and it will turn out alright. one second i feel one way, the next completely different. i say, i must leave here, this is not the place i need to be to do what i want to do. then i say but i will miss out on the college experience and who knows what will happen to me and what about the high possibility that i will fail.

maybe the answer to all these things is to get my mrs degree and then figure things out when i have a steady flow of cash coming my way in exchange for my eternally committed piece of ass.

did i seriously just say that.

then theres the portfolio center in atlanta.
i could go there. i could graduate here then i could go there. i didnt want to go to grad school, but maybe this is a good halfway compromise. move back to a city. have a strong degree in graphic design from here, then go there for photography.

but what if i lose hope?

what if i forget the lofty goals and dreams i have as a woman of 19?

what if i diiiiiiiiiieeeeee?

(emotional eating ensues)

my fortune the other night said "you will take a journey to a place far away" (in bed haha)

what's your road man?

gooood question.

try again later.

this is going to sound like a bunch of garbled up shit.

but its high time i just spat it all out.

btw eternal sunshine is basically one of the most beautiful films ever. maybe you might not know what is going on sometimes, but in the end its beautiful. i have found recently that i dont like garden state as much as i used to. i still love it. the cinematography is amazing, the characters are dynamic, the humor is unique and interesting, and for that i love it, but i can seem to feel settled with the ending. why did you do that zack braff? why? for such a unique movie such a dry ending.
jordan is not returning my messages and well wishes for his birthday. i sent him a scarf i knit. i hope he likes it. i suppose i wont know since he feels the need to hold grudges. it appears he felt more deeply for me than i realized. i dont enjoy breaking hearts and i dont like being hated. i just want to be friends again. i would love for everything to be normal when i return to the studio, but it wont. there are robots working there now. ms piggy works there. jeremy's gone. not much cool stuff is shot there anymore not like before at least, and jordan hates me.

so maybe i just wont go back.

sometimes, actually a lot of times, i ask myself, "what the fuck are you doing here?" this is in fact God's country. i would totally agree with that. but there are just things about it and im just like i dont know why im here this is not it this is not what i thought it would be there is no opportunity here and that scares the hell out of me because what if i settle what if i get stuck here. what if i become one of these people who doesnt understand how the rest of the world or dammit the rest of the county or the city is. these people who dont understand life outside the south. people who dont understand what kinds of opportunities are out there. opportunities that they could be taking because hell, someone has to and why not you?

why not you?
why not you?
why not me?

i look at craig's list for knoxville in the art section and theres just nothing. nothing. oh wait theres the ever-lucrative field of shooting those ugly-assed victorian style portraits of kids with cheap props in bad sepia and over-charging parents who are way too into their kids to do so. there's nothing. then i look at atlanta and it gets better. seattle, even better. new york, chicago, frisco, amazing. here its just telemarketing scams and tractor trailer parts.

and then i just think, ive got to get out of here.

but where do i go? im going to probably the cheapest place out of state i can possibly imagine. so my thought is go back to georgia. go to atlanta. go somewhere where you can get out and have real world experiences that will help you know the right people. but if i do that, im basically going to end up in a more community college atmosphere. maybe thats wrong. thats not very prestigious. people who do great things dont go to community colleges. fuck i go to university of tennessee. thats not exactly prestigious either. eejkawehfkajhajkdfhgkjadfhajk

im stuck.

this is what its like to be a freshman in college who has always been a little ahead in her emotional traumas and in her first semester freshman year is already losing sleep over career concerns.

but this is my life.

and i want this very badly.

i look around at people chasing whims for majors and just deciding to persue one thing or another because it sounds cool and it makes me realize how bad i actually want this.

then there's always the question of failure.

i suppose failure is a relative term though.

i kinda always secretly admired people in books like on the road, hippies and gypsies just trying to enjoy the ride and allowing the chips to fall where they may. i wish i was more like this, but its an impractical way to live if you want the kind of success i pine for. i want to come back to my high school reunion and have people say, "oh theres a reason she stayed in so much, theres a reason she was a recluse, she was in the process of making something of herself, little did we know...hey look she did amazing things with her life." i admire these people in these books, but then i go to church and i see people living much the same way there. and i have to say, i dont exactly think of people in the church being the types to live precariously in a fashion that exudes harm and bad futures. but many of them bend their plans to God's purpose for their lives. often not knowing why they do what they do, but doing it because they feel called to do so. the fashion designer once from london then from new york who moved to knoxville because she felt called. not knowing for how long she'll be here or what shes going to do. she just felt called. i admire that.


"If He who in Himself can lack nothing chooses to need us, it is because we need to be needed." -CS Lewis

i need to be needed. i know this now.

on the complete opposite end of the spectrum, i think it best that i break from the male world until i figure myself out. emotional instability and romantic relationships dont mix well, ive learned. or maybe romantic relationships cause mental instability. i cant tell at this point. ill investigate further one of these days. until then, you boys can take your penises and your sperm and your overused phrases and save it for someone who doesnt know any better. im pretty sure ill be falling for you sooner or later. but for now im going to take a break. im not going to make any promises on how long this break will last, but i think it will be beneficial.

cause theres not one instance i can recall went i went about all that kind of stuff in the right way. not once.

time changed this morning. so it begins. the decline of my life. its all pop tarts, bad tv, and fleece blankets from here on out. i get seasonal affective disorder i swear. im going to try not to too bad this time but i hear its going to be a long hard winter.

thanksgiving is soon. then christmas. somewhere in between ill be doing some risque shooting. next semester ill visit amanda. and uga again. spring break. summer...though who knows what the hell ill be doing with my time.

im done ranting. no one actually read this whole thing, but its ok i just needed to write it. to sort my thoughts out in the most illogical way.

btw kelley henkel i love you and you are the best friend i could ever ask for.

(cant wait to see your hot ass again)


You may not believe it
But I don't believe in miracles anymore
And when I think about it
I don't believe I ever did for sure
All the things I've said in songs
All the purple prose you bought from me
Reality's just black and white
The sentimental things I'd write
Never meant that much to me


You don't need to hear it
But I'm dried up and sick to death of love
If you need to know it
I never really understood that stuff
All the stars and bleeding hearts
All the tears that welled up in my eyes
Never meant a thing to me
Read 'em as they say and weep
I've never felt enough to cry

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don't stop,
This train don't stop,
This train don't stop there anymore

Noah, tell me I'm a bee.

By far my favorite costume ever. I wish it was socially acceptable for a 19 year old college student to wear a tutu all the time, especially a yellow one. I so would if I could. i decided that maybe i shouldnt go to date parties anymore. i had a great time, but i just always feel bad for the guys. despite the several mile walk back in the rain in basically the sketchiest area of town and getting yelled at by crackheaded homeless men, I had a good time. i dont think it would have mattered how the night went...i was a bee and thats how it went down.

meanwhile photography suddenly exploded on me. im not sure if the kinds of offers im getting are the kinds of things i would really want to have in my portfolio, but i just want to get out there again, and some of these things could actually lead to something...i mean i hate to speak to soon, but working with some of these musical groups and the radio station could potentially get me somewhere closer to where i want to go.

if nothing else its just practice. and most of these jobs fall through anyways, so like i said i dont want to speak too soon. but for now im here and this is how it is and im just gonna go.

oh and i think my style is my own. im above stealing.

your friends are the ones who tell you the things you already know about yourself you just dont want to imagine are real. and to know that i am out there living my life and going through my day to day and they are not proud of me makes me sad. really sad. i just reached a point where i was tired of my life. a variety of new worlds and new paths was opened to me and i saw that my life could be more than just typical boring old angela watson. but as my life gets more "interesting" (if thats what you want to call it) i feel myself drifting further and further away from them. the overdramatization of things. the innocent "oops did i just do that" attitude is no longer an excuse. its getting old. even i know this, and its me we're talking about. i cant decide if the environment im in now is a breeding ground for continuation of this behavior or a clean slate on which to start. honestly as easy as it seems, this is a pattern of behavior i have found myself in. an "oh fuck it" kind of attitude that has led me to take action that is not in harmony with who i am...correction: who i was and who i want to be. guess what angie youre not the shit. and you know all these things and have for a long time, but your friends are the ones who tell you the things you already know about yourself and just dont want to imagine are real. i am far from an amazing character, but i have enough good qualities that i can be loved and accepted and known without acting in these ways or being this other person. it is my greatest fear that i will return home and no one will like me anymore or people will distance themselves from me because ive changed. if i dont have these beautiful individuals, then honestly who do i have? they are my rock. they keep me in check. they keep doing what theyre doing right now. i kinda want to go home. but i cant do that. i want to go home, but then again i really dont.

i always said it doesnt take much to amuse me, and this is true. i laughed for an hour at the whole asthma thing at lunch and that was not funny at all. im ok with being by myself a lot. it doesnt bother me. so i suppose the question is, if these things are true then why am i not more ok with just living a simple life now? find joy in the crime log everyday. go to the movies. go salsa dancing. work on my sketchbook. and just be happy with that. thats all i need. because if my life was like this, then i would never have to question whether my friends love me and are proud of me. this is the kind of life i should live.

say goodnight and go.

im sorry yall. im ready to work on it for real this time.

stupid things ive done.

ok says just put yes or no. its my blog...time to own up to some of my finer moments haha.
Level one
( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Done Weed
(X) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(?) Are / Been In Love
(x) Been Dumped
( ) Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
( ) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 4

Level 3
(x) Snuck Out Of A Parent's House
(x) Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back
( ) Been Arrested
( ) Made Out With A Stranger
( ) Gone Out On A Blind Date

SO FAR: 6

Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped School
(x) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 10

Level 5
( ) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your MYSPACE Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 11

Level 6
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
(x) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Myspace
( ) Been Mosh Pitting

SO FAR: 13

Level 7
( )Been In An Abusive Relationship
( ) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 16

Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone muddin
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 21

Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 26

Level 10
( ) Used A Fake / Someone Else's ID
(x) Watched The Sun Set
(x) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 28

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
( ) Been Robbed / Vandalized
(x) Robbed Someone
(x) Been Misunderstood
( ) Pet A Deer

SO FAR: 31

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
( ) Had Detention
(x)Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 33

Level 13
(x) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 36

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
(x) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 41

Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 45

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons/Colored/Pencils/Markers (hehe i go to school 4 it)
(x) Sang Karaoke
( ) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 49

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
( ) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 52

Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Been Kissed Under A Mistletoe
(x) Watched The Sun Set With Someone You Care / Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere

SO FAR: 57

Level 19
(x) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 61

Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) Screamed "Penis"
( ) Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 63

Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole / Freezer/ice Cube
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes (haha)
(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 66

Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Stayed Up All Night

SO FAR: 70

Level 24
( ) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had / Been In A Tree House
( ) Scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 72

Level 25
( ) Believe In Ghosts
(x) Have / Had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
(x) Gone Streaking
( ) Jail or Visit*

SO FAR: 74

Level 26
( ) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed Into A Pool With All Your Clothes On
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
( ) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 77

Level 27
(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video
(x) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 81

Level 28
(x) Mooned / Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon / Flash You
(x) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) Slept Naked
(x) French Braided Someones Hair
(x) Gone Skinny Dipping
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House

SO FAR: 88

Level 29
( ) Rode A Roller Coaster
( ) Went Scuba-Diving / Snorkeling
( ) Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
( ) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 88

Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
( ) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 92

Level 32
( ) Been shot at
( ) Had sex in the rain/ on a rainy night
( ) Flattened someone tires
(x) Rode your car until the gas light came on
(x) Got five dollars or less worth of gas

So Far: 94

94 out of 150... not too bad, but not too good either. daily beacon crime log here i come : )

autumn came.

it didnt ask.

it left me right where it left me last.

and i didnt know.

and now it starts.

and there is fog inside the glass around my summer heart.

this is the homestretch. about four weeks until i get to go home. it feels like it should go by fast. the weeks do move pretty quickly, i must say. but time as a whole moves quite slowly around these parts. all this anticipation for only a few hurried times with close friends. oh well, im taking it for what its worth, and im pretty excited for the plans i have. cheesecake with the girls. turkey with the fam. art museum by myself. sleeping my bed. locking ourselves in with the nutcracker for a night of permiscuous fun. (sarah we need to talk about this one, its all you, youve gotta help make this magic happen) i think the best part is that once thanksgiving comes it will be no time before we're out for a month...which could quite possibly mean more permiscuous times with the nutcracker...im pumped. but i need a job lets not forget that one.

but as for now, i think im finally getting my focus back, if only for a brief and sadly fleeting time span, at least im getting it back somewhat. ive found going to the library to study helps me focus more. im trying to stay offline a little more. its all working for me. i also have a more clear concious because my big secret has been made known to those who should, and this makes me feel better about things. theres the ever-illusive question of who can i con into coming up here and going with me to my winter formal? i have a gorgeous laundry by shelly seigal dress from bloomies that i got for $96.40...cmon can i have a round of applause on that one. by shoes are really sexy and i wish i had sexy feet to put them on but we deal we deal. now all i need is someone to brave the treacherous territory of drunken females and frat boys scurrying about the dancefloor. jgoitz volunteered once upon a time, but i dont know if the brave little toaster will make it up to the knox to see me. surely i can find someone...this WILL NOT be like prom.

i should steal a shark head.

just cause.

angie watson...reaking havock on south carrick 3rd floor since 2006.

i love it.

im making that dang crime log if it kills me.

oh damn...i hope it doesnt.

"thats joanns fabrics now."-kelley

the picture says it all.

im a little bit confuzzled right now.

a little bit pulled apart.

a little bit chemically imbalanced.

its all part of the game.

ive been slacking off quite a bit in the midst of my little emotional journey in search of where my future is going to take me, and now i am beginning to see that i must move foward and get my shit together. regardless of where i go...if i stay here, if i try to go somewhere i cant afford, if i study abroad, if i study in the us, i must keep the grades up. its the closest thing i have running in my favor so i must do it.

and i suppose this is how i operate. i work well under pressure. i can kick my own ass with the best of them. the truth of the matter is despite appearances i am a very hard worker, i just can be easily detracted when im bored and unmotivated. which seems to be quite often these days. left to my own devices in my current emotional state i would probably be quite happy laying in my bed listening to unfamiliar indie music and eating cookie dough while surfing facebook and recanting on days gone by.

but no.



this weekend was initiation weekend for sorority. it was interesting to think that i underwent exactly the same process that the ladies back in 1867 did. two of the charter members for the ut chapter were at the luncheon today. it was interesting to hear them talk about how the chapter got started. it made me pine to live in those times. sure i would have been suppressed by society as a female. but my role would be to pop out the kids and baste the turkey, and at least in that case my life would have direction.

guys would actually open doors and pay for stuff and say golly and gee instead of godammit all the time and stay out of your pants for the most part.


it scares me that one of these days today will be the good old days.
and as sarah and i established, we would have been frickin sexy as all get out.

smooth like knoxville (grits & a handjob)

i am envious of this girl for several reasons.

1.shes a pimp.
2.she has something in her life that she is absolutely amazing at
3.most importantly these days, she knows where shes going in her life.

how grand it must feel to know that your life has direction.

im not sure where i go now. im looking into my options for transferring or studying a semseter at another school, abroad or otherwise. these things could potentially cause me to be in college for like 6 years, but maybe it will be worth it.

its not so much that i want to be with my friends anymore. its now becoming an issue of am i where i need to be to get the best education and to be in the best place for the workforce with what i want to do with my life.

i dont know.

i mean im sure i could stay here my entire college career and be just fine. but what will happen? i mean what if i fall in love and graduate and then get married and just settle down here? is that what i really want? if you ask me when its happening, ill say yes of course...but ask me today and my ambitions are quite different. i feel like i must appease these desires for success and doing something special with my life before its too late and i settle.

before i fall for the oh so smooth knoxville.

its just hard because theres nowhere good to go to school in georgia. and that is where it would be free for me. so now my parents are paying about 20k for me to go to school each semester. as im looking at schools, i am quickly learning that for a decent school, this is a deal that cant be beat.

and theyve already done so much for me. they dont know i want to transfer. they planned for me to be here four years. i cant ask them to fork over copious amounts of money for me to go to school. i just cant do that to them.

i feel like all i want to do is dive into the water. just jump off and the gravity of my desires and ambitions will lead me straight to where i want to be in life. but in reality i am running around blindfolded and running into every detractor and obstacle possible, miles away from the waster.

so my quest for answers continues.

meanwhile i had possibly my first truly orgasmic musical experience tonight. broken social scene at the bijou theater in the old city. the bijou is a far cry from the fox or the tabernacle, but the 1920s restored theater is still very beautiful. the opening act, do make say think, was absolutely amazing. it was like sitting in on a private impromtu jam session that you expected to go completely haywire and off kilter at any minute but it never did. all the little pieces just came together in such a way that absolutely boggles my mind just trying to decipher it. broken social scene was an auditory all u can eat buffet. their songs certainly went together and all appealed to their audience, but they were so different at the same time. everything from funk dance tunes to melodic instrumentals, i loved it all. this does not happen much, i can typically find something to hate or at least be bored with, but no such thing here.


i guess the long and short of it is that this music was moving. it could be because i am extremely chemically imbalanced right now and possibly just overwhelmingly emotionally fragile, but i found myself truly feeling every song for what it was worth. it almost made me cry.

and this is why we love music. for some of us at certain times it transends this specialized noise and becomes a physical, emotional, and even spiritual experience.

and i got a bitchin t shirt.

lets get out psychology on!


Opponent process theory- if a stimulus causes strong emotion, the opposite emotion occurs when the stimulus ends.



wow how true. when youre in love you feel complete. when it goes away you feel alone. when youre with friends you feel happy, when they go away you feel empty.

kelley says her life is a big question mark that has been taken through a ringer.

haigwood doesnt really need me anymore.

im about to go get initiated into my sorority and im pretty sure this will involve getting naked or wet or naked and wet and maybe a little bit of chanting.

ive got side effects from my flu shot which essentially means i have the flu kinda.

ive got a lot of work to do and no drive to do it.

but there is good news too:

amanda is coming tomorrow! because of sorority junk i wont be able to see her for long but holy crap im finally gonna get to see the love of my life again! and she has a boyfriend again and he is pretty much awesome.

i got a date for the date party which basically never happens so this is pretty exciting...im going to be a bee...its a halloween date party.

concert on saturday night. im going by myself if i have to but im going to that dang concert.

toodles kids its art museum field trip time

ever have one of those days when you feel like you feel so many things that if you tried to convey them all it would come out as this emotional vomit of words and ideas and gestures and pictures and music and sights and smells and actions?

welcome to me today.

heres whats in my brain:

-my 96's in every class are completely MIA. i knew it wouldnt last long. but this is bad very bad because of:

- 2nd thing. im starting to view this whole college thing differently now. whats so bad about moving around a little bit? i mean yes its a pain in the ass to transfer, if not impossible, particularly in lew of my major. but what a journey it could be to just start over every year. think of all you could see and all the people you could meet. this referencing number 1, i must keep the good old grades up because my opportunity finally came. the thing i was looking for all this time. spring at nyu program. i could go. i could live there for five months. it would be safe enough that i could see myself doing it but cool enough because hello its new york. listen at me talking though...i probably wont go.

-im out of love. like i know my emotions change vampidly from hour to hour but seriously i just feel very over it right now. its sad when you realize youve never been in love despite maybe what you thought you thought. no ones really ever loved me like that, and i cant say the same in return. i suppose there's nothing wrong with it, its just a little sad to think about it. im just not interested right now. everything that comes my way is unwelcome, jackass, annoying, morally wrong, or taken. it just isnt working for me right now. id like to find someone who believes the same things i do. who will truly make me a better person. who i can introduce to my friends with confidence. and who i dont have to convince myself i like or who doesnt have to win me over. these things are not occuring now and actually never have occured, so i think im gonna sit this one out for a sec.

-john mayer

-i cant wait to go home for thanksgiving and see everyone. if amanda comes this weekend, kelley and robyn come the next weekend, and my other two girlies come the next weekend. then ill have my formal the next weekend and lets pray i can get a date to that one, thanksgiving will be here before you know it. i cant wait to eat turkey. go to cheesecake factory with my girls. have coffee with sarah. sit around with kelley and my mom. then the end of the semester will be here and they tell me it gets better after that.

-just got an email from kelly telling me haigwood's only gonna need me on weekends during Christmas break. i dont know what im going to do i need money badly. im thinking of all the things i want to do in the future and quickly realizing this is absolutely going to break me financially. then i wonder what im going to do next summer. long ways off i know. the studio doesnt need me anymore. jeremy's at the other studio ive always wanted to work at, but would that be awkward? would they take me? theres always the restaurant, but i just never really found that fulfilling in the long term. dont get me wrong i love it there too.

i want to be a bartender...is that really wrong? i dont think anyone would ever see me doing that either...probably a reason for that. maybe i should go to school for it. ill be the only living bartender who doesnt drink.

-then i just sit here and stare at facebook and think of the 123987128973 things i need to do...all things that would help accomplish these long term goals that worry me so. and instead i pop another reece's into my mouth and write this damn thing.

its womens week at ut! everyone get your feminism on!

i am by no means a feminist...i am an antifeminist. but i must take this opportunity to lead into the point i wanted to make today.

guys will say anything for sex.

i am not saying all guys are this way. there are a few precious gems who give their love freely and happily in the most sensitive and caring and respectful of ways. but in general...if you give a mouse a cookie he'll eat it and rip your clothes off.

seriously though. any compliment you could ever want to hear. i love yous mouthed off faster than anyone ever should. youre so beautiful. youre so amazing. youre so sexy.

and its funny how we females all know this. i know this. but with some males we percive it like a hawk and dismiss it while with others we fall for it.

hook.

line.

sinker.

leather couch.

he loves you bull shit he loves you. if he is within ten feet of your vagina mark him guilty until proven innocent. he doesnt mean a thing.

wow i cant believe i just wrote that.

i sound so angry.

im not angry everyone. im pretty happy. im not too happy with my actions right now, but that has nothing to do with the male race as a whole. so take heart boys, i havent given up on you.

im the slut remember?

word of the day: podunk...look it up its awesome.

i got up late this morning after a long night last night and realized i dont really want to leave roswell. the drive back is always the worst b/c i dont like driving and i dont want to leave and i know theres a stack of work and responsibility once again awaiting me back in my dorm. funny how my house is now my vacation spot.

but things are different here now. all the friends i still have here are moving along and picking out colleges of their own.

roswell high school is like a different planet now. and not in a good way.

the studio, in my eyes, is falling apart at the seams. jeremy's got one foot out the door, and he was my mentor. he was always my favorite to work with because he was the best one there but he didnt have to follow rules or memorize lighting set up diagrams or mathematical lighting formulas to be so. everyone else who's still there looks like robots at computers thumbing through endless numbers of school yearbook shots and entering data into the system. belton's back with his ex. kelly is still wonderful. dan's still getting crazy and getting laid on tuesday nights. jordan acts awkward around me.

i think we'd all like to think that after we all moved out an left every aspect of our roswell lives just threw down into a rapid and unyielding decline. but the truth is its all just change. we probably wouldnt even recognize it if we were still here. but the fact that we go away and then come back makes it all the more apparent that nothing is constant but change.

damn that scares me.

all that being said i must go back now to knoxville. i must make it the five and a half weeks to thanksgiving...im so excited for break. i must finish out the semester strong. i must avoid the stomach virus and the flu. i must give my life a moral face lift. its needed it for a very very long time.

i think i knew that i wanted to make a change in my life as soon as i get back to knoxville, because last night i think i had my final rebellious bout. and there is no explanation for it, certainly no justification for it. i did the almost unthinkable and i have no defense. i could say im just doing whatever i can to make it to the top, but that doesnt really apply here. it was wrong. just wrong. i just pray to God there's no fallout from it. i will never be able to talk about it because no one could ever forgive me for it. but thats ok. the plan now is to just turn and go.

turn and go.

turn and run.

heres to real love.

annnnnnnnnnnnd...


we're done.

at the risk of going back on what i write or contradicting myself with my words or actions later on, im just gonna say that im done with life as it is now. cant do it anymore. its eating me up inside, and i dont think i really realized it.

for like 17 years i lived my life very conservatively, very protected. men showed no interest in me ever, and when they did it was some kind of sick yearbook table joke. i always followed the rules and never even considered anything else as a possibility.

but things have changed and what i must realize is that just because those things were all true in the past, my actions dictate the person i am today and in the future. therefore just because it used to not be a characteristic of me to be a slut ho, that doesnt mean my actions today dont make me one. i cant rely on that "this is totally a not 'me' thing to do, but..." prefix anymore because truth is, people change, the characteristics of yesterday DO NOT dictate who i am and how i am percieved today. this is the greatest beauty and the greatest downfall in life.

i had my rebellious fun. i got a taste of the other side. its not to say i dont want to be crazy and have fun with my life, but this is not the way to do it. its not right.

i cut my last main tie to roswell last week.

i caught up with old friends.

i reconciled with my artner.

i kicked ass in art class.

all of these things have led to a kind of inner calmness about me. and that calmness leads me back to the unturbulent angie. the one who makes mistakes but really does her best.

i must find God again.

what kind of world do you want?

what kind of world do you want?

i felt like writing again today. actually i guess at this hour its tomorrow, but no matter. its funny when you come home. you dont really feel like you left until you think about certain things like you should be at school or your stuff isnt all here and all such things. same thing when i saw all my friends at uga. even though much has happened since the last time i saw them, i still feel like i never really left them.

went to the studio today. it was awkward with jordan. jeremy had put his two weeks notice in this morning. there were like 7 new employees, all female extra special angie replacements. everyone looked like little robots on computers and phones. it worries me that everytime ive been there since i moved out there has been no shooting going on in the back. belton said we should hang out tonight and we'd do something super crazy and fun. he called a few hours later and said he was tired and wanted to go home. he then went so far as to say that he wouldnt be able to hang out with me at all while im here. i couldnt figure out if he was telling the truth or if it had something to do with the whole jordan thing. im pretty sure im now the studio bitch.

what kind of world do i want?
what kind of world do i want?

i just told my artner i want the right to change my mind. the right to not have to pick apart and examine every little move and every little decision like its the last one ill ever be able to make.i want a loft apartment. i want to have fun. i want to be interesting. i want to reach others with my work. i want enough money to buy art. i want to be satisfied. i want to be sure in my uncertainty. i want to be ok.

and thats that.

like the slice of chocolate pie you dont need.
like the pair of heels that cost 50 dollars too much.
like the awesome earrings that you dont have anything to match.
like the cute puppy who will rip up everything in your house.
like the joke you know will offend almost everyone in the room.
like the shirt you dont even like that much but damn it was so on sale.

somethings are irresistible.

despite that the pies full of sugar and calories.
despite that the heels are uncomfortable and will cause you to overdraw.
despite that the earrings are essentially useless to you.
despite that the puppy may ruin your life.
despite that you will be considered a party foul in and of yourself after telling that joke.
despite that the shirt isnt even cute.

we do it anyway because we juuuuuust cant help ourselves.

so despite the fact that what has happened in the past was not pretty.

despite all the shit ive talked.

despite the fact that i thoroughly convinced myself that all was said and done.

i realize that there are just some certain people who come into your life and leave you changed. they hurt you the worst but the highs are equally high and maybe even higher.

and you dont know why and you know it doesnt make sense and you know your friends are going to be dissappointed in you. b

but everyone's got that person. that vice. that love that will never go away no matter you think you want.

on and on and on and on and on...


Baby, baby since you've been gone I ain't doing so good
I don't get up, paint my face and go out like I should
Baby you turned a clear night sky into a dark, dark hole
And when I see a sunset now I'm just looking at a painting in a cheap motel.

Baby I'm going on without you
Maybe I'm even gonna get through
But baby I'll tell you something that'll never be true
Baby, I'll get over you

amy millan, baby i.

mr fabulous and i are done. apparently he and i were done like a week or two ago, which is what i thought, but when you still get calls almost every night and i love yous and kisses it kinda all doesnt make sense and you no longer know whats going on. im not sure how i feel about that relationship. i cant decide if it was a rebound or just me being stupid and getting caught up in things or just me wanting to hang onto anything familiar or just me wanting to be in love or maybe it was true and just bad timing mixed in with a little bad chemistry in the end. im not really sure.

worst part is i think i broke his heart. i should probably feel more remorse about this. both the heart breaking and the end of this relationship. i just need to move on.

haha back to where i was all these months before.

at this time id like to give another shout out to my "everyone would want to f--- us if we lived in the 40's bitch" ms sarah bluvas. of course i would love to have coffee with you darling. im guessing we have a lot of catching up to do. and yes youre right, i was not expecting such a request from you, but im oober happy i got one : )


damn that pie is good.

why should the fire die?

what a crazy week. i think when i go home tomorrow night im just going to sleep and not wake up for awhile. and this is very ok with me. midterms are death on a plate except no one really warned me that it was actually midterm.

this weekend was the uga ut football game, so i made the significantly long trek to athens to see my loves.for whatever reason, it took me forever to get there. but once i was there, i have to say it was the best time ive had since i moved up here. i felt a little more like i was actually getting the college experience. just hanging out and having fun with friends a lot like i did in high school, but more collegeish. haha. one day i will have this kind of thing going for me here at ut, but until then it was nice having my phone ringing off the hook with people who wanted to see me and do things with me. so here goes...highlights of the weekend:

-seeing laura just go completely off her ass roybn zone style and start stealing food in a gurilla-like manner at the indoor? tailgate in jenny's room.

-caitlyn's post-game wrap up in kelleys hall ("this is our defense" *lays down)

-bobby

-yousuf on friday ("what the fuck man, what the fuck...dude youre fucked up")

-everyone running hysterically/for their lives, including jenny who lived there, from jenny's drunk roomate.

-laying in the field in front of russell at like 3am

-wheat thins

-kelleys roomate, oh wait she doesnt have one

-brunch food/sitting at brunch like 32874298 hours longer than it took to eat making fun of rhs administrators

-getting slightly harassed by uga fans and even moreso flirted with my ut fans

-vintage shopping downtown at agora

-facebooking with robyn

-the super bad frat party

-jay may of course

so my overall impression of uga? i definitely like it better now than i did originally. its hard to compare because theyre two very different schools. im not going to rule out any possibility of transfer even though im pretty sure one day ill be happy here.

as soon as i get home i am faced with two tests i havent studied for, a huge art project that isnt done, and a plethora of text messages from mr fabulous that freaked me out.

maybe i need to be done with boys and just become a ten cent ho to get my kicks. im not good at this relationship stuff. im sorry though, when you break up with someone you dont turn around and kiss them and tell you you love them. thats called being an overbearing man slut who needs to control his hormones. im just saying.

heres to the friends who will talk you through it and then some.
heres to the friends who you know and they know you and youre just comfy with each other.
heres to the friends who will give you their underwear.

go vols.

i made it through the weekend...i cant believe it. now only 4.5 days until i get to go to athens. im soo excited. im ready to see people, and theyll see how im failing at this whole life on my own thing, but it will be worth it just to be with my family again.

i went on a sorority retreat this weekend. i think im going to stick with it. at least see how i feel about it after a year. we played never have i ever (im such a prude i almost won), and it made me realize that maybe there are girls in this group i can identify with. and oddly enough there seem to be a few who already care about me. i even joked around and laughed a little bit. this is new. during the retreat we sat in a circle and went around explaining what object we brought along that was important to us. most brought childhood stuffed animals, pieces of jewelry, or sentimental gifts from graduation. i was never too big on the stuffed animal thing, and i didnt have anything i cared about too terribly much in a sentimental way, so as i was packing i chose a few photographs from the montage above my bed to bring along. as i was putting them in my bag, i realized they were all from this past year...the best year of my life. the last year of my life. i also realized that each image was from a distictive event and of a person/people who will have a lasting impact on my life:

the picture of the ten bs in the burbs that was in the yearbook
kelley and amanda pointing out into oblivion in the ocean on spring break
yousuf making a goofy face during our solo photoshoot
jenny at nirvana the morning after graduation
me holding up amanda's casted arm before prom
me, jax, ryan and yousuf on the couch at their photoshoot at the studio
jordan in the field on a sunny afternoon in july, camera to his face
robyn and i on one of our last nights together dressed like complete sluts
a pile of the people i love the most and could never forget on my couch at my graduation party

these are the people. the times. the memories. that i will cherish forever. they have made me who i am today, and that is why i brought them with me.

SARAH BLUVAS: i cant wait for cheesecake...youre awesome

[d00d check out the myspace it looks awesome and im now up to 690 friends yeyah)