closing time.

so i dont know if i can reiterate this enough. im ready to go home! i am done here.

jordan came this weekend for formal and it was wonderful. i forgot about everything else going on, which is what i strive to do on a daily basis anyway, and just enjoyed myself. i am now dehydrated, tired and have a variety of other issues i wont go into, but it was a fun weekend. formal was fun and despite the happiness i feel that jordan was there, my most favorite and memorable part of the evening may have been stuffing myself into the bathroom with about 15 of my sorority sisters, everyone bouncing around and talking and being crazy. then of course there were the meatballs and the spicy crackers, i suppose those could be considered highlights as well haha.

so now jordan is gone and im back to the realities at hand. he took our futon with him which means the room is slowly but surely turning back to its original shape. when i leave this place on may 9th it will have bare floors, beds on the floor, bare walls, and empty warm fridge. it will look just like the institutional cell that i walked into on august 19th, devoid of all the memories, the emotions, the hours spent on ichat, the wine parties, the studying, the sleeping late and staying up all nights.

but it is sooo time to move on.

i'm so excited for what summer is sure to bring me. but i also approach summer with a hint of reservation. home is now almost an unfamiliar place. the same people will return but they will not be the same people that once resided there. its scary to face the facts of what will come of me and some of my friends, its not always a pretty sight.

then theres the prospect of finally being in a relationship with someone i share a zip code with. but i also approach this with a sense of reservation. the deeper i go, the harder i fall. the distance makes it easier to keep myself in line, to try to precent myself from becoming too invested in this. to protect myself. but when the distance goes away, i know i will forget about all those things, as i rightfully should. letting go and enjoying yourselves is what its all about. but when the time comes, can i handle the distance again? at the end of the day it will become a question of seriousness, are we willing to face three more years of this struggle? is it worth the sacrifice?

i dont know, its very apparent upon my reading back over what i just said that i am thinking way to deeply into this. summer hasnt even begun yet. if i spend my time worrying about what the end of summer will bring, ill miss the summer itself.

can i just reiterate once more that im so ready to get out of here. tennessee has been kind to me, but im tired of being a freshman.

im ready to go home.

bored.

so im really tired of everything and im really unmotivated to do anything, including thinking deeply or profoundly about anything for this blog. instead i offer you this shotty substitute. id like to see if any of you faithful readers out there have been paying attention. so here is something to distract you from what you should be doing, a quiz about yours truly. try it out and lets see who can get the highest score. buena suerte!

Take My Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com Can you Ace my quiz? Yes! No Let's Find Out!

let doomsday begin.

so today someone shot and killed 30 people, then himself at virginia tech. another shooting occurred at the dorms where two more were shot dead. the largest shooting in US history, school or not. i recall walking around campus here one afternoon and remarking to myself how easy it would be for someone to take out a ton of people very quickly on our campus. you wanna piss some people off? why not hit america at its heartland, hit some innocent students, hit a large group of people at once? its such a scary idea to entertain.

i think these kinds of things easily affect me. i become glued to the tv as the facts of the disaster unravel bit by bit. i imagine myself in the scenario, a young life taken so quickly. i think of the nickelback video for "saving me" where the people are walking around with the countdown clocks counting down the years, months, days, minutes and seconds left in their lives. to think that we are predisposed to a certain length of time in life, a mystery length that we can never know, that is until the string runs to the end, the final and unrepentable knot. it often takes real life situations and living vicariously through others' trauma to remember this fact.

the doomsday clock now sits at five minutes till midnight. i see the way the world is going and its not a pretty picture. when i think about how i perceive the state of the world to be at this time, i think about the night of september 11, 2001. i remember walking to the window and looking at the dark night sky, not a plane in site. i reflected on all that happened that day. on the innocence lost. on a new world view. on an outlook of fear in the future. on the feeling that maybe everything i had once thought was true or right no longer existed. on the world for what it truly is: scary, uncertain and illusive.

correspondence

Angie,
I purchased a box of cards without giving it a second thought simply because they had such a great pattern. the cost is justifiable if they are able to aid in preserving certain relationships or bonds.

it is sunday and raining so there is plenty of time to think, to write, to reconnect.

how is photography going now that you are doing film? i recently began a paid membership with fotocommunity after realising i no longer do photography for fun. next time that you are in atlanta, i would lie to work/shoot with you, that is if you desire and are willing.

i now see that i am distancing myself further from most everyone in my life, and am also allowing many bonds to break and connections go lost. i can not say why though, but i do feel more inspired, confident, and simply happy than ever befor.

do write to me befor i become a complete hermit in a cave some where.

jordan

**********************************

jordan,
it was nice to hear from you. i like your stationary too. i hope you are doing well and i hope you don't become a hermit in a cave. in an effort to prevent such an event, i am writing you back.

things are just fine here in the tennesseee hills. schoolwork keeps me busy, but i am ready to be done for the year. film has been interesting for me and i've enjoyed working in the darkroom and now i'm back to my digital comfort zone for the rest of the semester. i haven't been happy with any of my work for almost a year. i figured coming here to a new place would provide new inspiration and that my work would flourish, but that was not the case. i ended up frustrated and unsatisfied each time i went out to shoot. my professor told me to put down my camera and live my life and it will come back to me, so that is what i am doing. that is not to say i've quit by any means, but i'm not forcing anything right now. i'm doing it for enjoyment and trying to have fun and experiment and play once again.

i have a boyfriend now, a high school sweetheart who i was lucky enough to have come back to me. we have been dating for almost two months, and i am very happy. ironically enough his name is also jordan, not to be confused with you since you two are very different people. he is the type of guy i could see you laughing at after he left the room, but he is not too unlike the type of man i would like to marry someday, so i am very happy. the girl you knew those months ago was not the same one writing you today. she was not me. but i am much happier in general now. i feel you have played an intergral part in my journey from then to now and i am very thankful to you for that. i looked online at your recent work and i like where you are going. jade looks beautiful as usual and i'm sure you're happy that margaux is back in the area. i hope the studio has not killed your sense of creativity, JORDAN SHEPLER: OFFICIAL SCHOOL PHOTOGRAPHER. I would be willing to work with you when i am at home, but i will have to ask the other jordan first, he is quite protective of me. rightfully so, you know i'm a tough one to handle.

thanks again for writing and i will see you soon.

angie

full.

i'm not afraid and i don't think its premature for me to say that im enamored.

absolutely enamored.

as if there was ever any doubt.

its this feeling, the feeling i have today that i must always keep in mind. put it in my pocket and save it for the time when i have doubts, when i feel like its not working, when i feel like its too hard, when i feel giving up.

i want to remember this day. this day and how tight i held onto everything.

baldwin lee says i need to put down the camera for ten seconds for my life and see the world without a lens, with my eyes. ive spent the past year and a half hiding behind scenarios and problems and melodramas and craziness and wild streaks and excuses and loneliness and camera lenses. when i think on these things it makes me want to cry. cry out of regret, confusion, disappointment in myself, and then cry because im free from that, cry because theres something else in life, cry because i can do better and i know this now.

so now i sit here early easter morning 2007 in the bedroom of so many nights and just as many mornings making futile attempts not to bawl. for the first time in a year and a half i feel real again. i dont feel like someone else is controlling me. i look in the mirror and i know the face staring back at me. i feel familiar to myself. i feel important. i feel worth something. i look at myself and know that i am not crazy. it has been a crazy cyle from start to finish and i cant say anyone caused anything to happen, good or bad on their own accord. i chose my reactions to the events in my life. this is my journey and no one elses.

but i just cant get over how it feels to finally feel like i know who i am. to put the excuses and the pitty party and the camera lenses and down and see myself, really see.

to feel full.

today i am at home. this makes me so happy and its something ive waited for for a long time.

today i remembered how much my family means to me.

today i laughed because my parents get me. theyve been around for things, unlike the people i spend my days with now up in the tennessee hills.

today i stayed up until 2 am eating vegetable crackers and peanut m & m's talking on aim with the one i wish i could see everyday.

today i had chicken parmesan. and i ate it. because it was food. and it wasn't filled with onions.

today i felt beautiful.

feels good.

the little things.

check me all techied out. w00t. thanks to jbomb for the scandalous attire haha.

this weekend has been a reminder of the importance of the little things. in a world where everything must be bigger and better and faster and stronger and more megapixels, i think we now have a rarity of the little things. and i remember from kemp's microeconomics class that the less of something there is, the greater it is prized when found. face it little children, we love the little things.

it's the random facebook message.
it's the letter in the mail saying im praying for you.
it's the phone call.
it's the stick of chapstick.
it's the door held open for you.
it's the listening ear when you need it.
it's the single pink rose.
it's the person who shows they care when you never knew they did.
it's the cancelled class.
it's the hand running up and down your back at 7 am.

at the end of the day, it's not about the number of megapixels you have, the capacity of your hardrive in gigabytes, its not about how much horsepower your packing, how many bedrooms you have, or your gpa.

it's about those little things.

by the same token, its the little things that destroy us. the little sip of the drink we thought was wine which now becomes a poison to ourselves, a small sampling of something that was supposed to be good, but turned oh so ugly faster than anyone could see it coming. it's not about the huge knock down drag out fights, it's once again those little things that destroy us.

it's the broken promise.
it's the unspoken actions with another.
it's the time you were late and you didn't call and she was worried sick about you.
it's the one kiss.
it's the one lie.
it's the three minutes when you forgot who you were and Who's you were.
it's the hidden dissatisfaction with another.
it's the one little secret.
it's the hidden meaning of what you say.

while advertising, pop culture, the media at large and our everyday environment might attempt to convince us otherwise, life is not about the big things. the big things are those we pay the extra $29.95 for and get the Gold Promise Extended 2-Year Warranty for. the big things break, run out of juice and sit forgotten in the back of the basement.

but oh those little things. they make you feel alive. they make you feel important. they make you feel loved. they reside in the eyes of God Himself. they get under your skin. they make you cry. they make you feel pain you never thought existed.

that is what the little things can do to you.

remember remember remember oh please remember the little things.


p.s. to the mr postman: i cannot help you i cannot make it go away, the best i can do for you is feed you a corny five for fighting song lyric ("when nothing's left, everything is gained") and be just a phone call away.

somebody else.

once upon a time i did not care what i did. and once upon a time my actions didnt bother me as much as they should. i decided to forget the past and move forward. but now i find myself for a multitude of reasons dwelling upon them once again. and i hate the feeling i have inside right now and i hate that i have this feeling. there's nothing i can do to change things now, but it doesn't make it bite less.

youll never be younger than today
tomorrows yesterday
its never too late.

chances.

"The man who said

'I'd rather be lucky than good'

saw deeply into life.

People are often afraid to realize

how much of an impact luck plays.

There are moments in a tennis match

where the ball hits the top of the net,

and for a split second,

remains in mid-air.

With a litte luck,

the ball goes over,

and you win.

Or maybe it doesn't,

and you lose... "



with every action you take a chance. a chance of success or failure. you put yourself out there to be accepted or rejected. you do things that can change your life for the better or for the worse. detrimental things. amazing things. sometimes it goes beyond luck and becomes completely a matter of your own responsibility. you own yourself and everything you do. you make your bed and you lie in it. you check yourself into the hospital. you get the tests done. you worry about lies you make up in your head. you argue over things that never happened. you convince yourself someone feels a way they dont. you get scared. you psyche yourself out. all because with every action you take a chance. sometimes you fuck it up. hell most of the time i do fuck it up. but redemption is only as far as you let it be.

it takes someone giving you a chance before you can ever truly begin to turn it around.

i look at you, looking at me, now i know why they say the best things are free.

bittersweetness abounds my life right now. i'm so happy with the direction things are going. i have this amazing new person to share things with, but at the same time i'm so unhappy with the way things are up here in the tennessee hills. it takes a weekend such as this one to bring it all back again. an empty dorm room. another daunting color theory assignment. a freezer full of lean cuisines. its only natural for this combination of things to make a girl want to scream.

face it ladies and gents, i am officially itching.

well maybe not greg-style itching, but maybe just a little bit, i am a redhead after all.

but i'm itching to get out of here. this year is most likely already shot to hell as far as making new friends and such is concerned, and i'm already so excited about what the summer is sure to bring i just can't wait to get out of here.

i just keep finding myself between two extreme groups of people: the extremely bad and the extremely good. i do not want to go to clubs. i do not want to go to frat houses. its just not my thing, never has been. and i think i can live the rest of my life totally fine without changing that. then there's the extremely good: they don't do any of those clubbing or party things, but they are often very immature. if watching disney movies and laughing at corny awkward jokes is your thing, then this group is perfect for you, but it doesn't seem to be the case for me.

where did all the normal people go?

i said i'd go to school here and get my kicks in the ATL and it seems now more than ever before that is what i'm doing. and i can deal with that.

but on a weekend like this, man is it hard.

one week from this wednesday i will make the fantastic journey down 75. back into his arms. and back to him and all the others who actually get me.

let the countdown begin.

it's 1pm, i just woke up and i'm eating a chicken salad sandwich.

It's been almost a week since i've written once again. for once things have been happening in my life. sure, i still spend more than my share of time sitting in this desk chair on facebook, but i've also been out doing things, and that is an exciting thing. i've been experiencing some things, some emotions, that i never really believed could exist for me. i've been making dreams come true, for myself and others. but i suppose the greatest reason why i havent written is that for once i was a little scared to write about everything that was going on in my heart, my mind, my body, my life on this. i've never really been scared to put anything else up here before, but this almost feels like an invasion of privacy to me. but it is what it is and what it is is two people taking a chance at something both have recognized for years. passing this up would be foolish of me. it's about damn time.

ive run the gammut of emotion lately, but i suppose my two grandest emotions are happiness and fear. i have the butterflies. this is new. the butterflies haven't been around in a very very long time. the happiness part, this is how it should be. there's also an enormous sense of fear. fear that i will fuck probably one of the few things that actually means something to me in the grandest scheme of things up. i'm pretty good at doing that and i'm all too afraid i'll use my expertise in that area once again.

but it is too late for all of that now. i jumped off the bridge. i took my chance. and i hope that we both can be reeping the rewards of that chance for a long long time.

sidenote: sharing a bed > sleeping alone (to an infinite degree)

let us begin.

I’ve been thinking, take me now, I’m in too far
Can’t stop feeling, doesn’t matter who you are
This could be my last goodbye
You could stay, I’ll be alright
I’ve been thinking, take me now, I’m in too far

If I might say, all of this seems to float away from...
Your lips when they’re kissing me, and your hips when leaving me for
The last time, I’m thinking of the first time, ohh
The first time, I’m thinking of the last time
Play it back, it’s going over and over

I left the Well today to return back to my cage of educational wellness up in the Knox. im sure you all have missed me very very much, but im now back with tons of pictures. the past week and half has been nothing short of amazing, all i could have hoped for and then some. between seeing my family and sleeping in my own bed and meeting back up with friends, some i havent seen in months, and going to charleston with two of my main ladies and growing closer to someone who is very important to me it was just more than i could have asked for. for me the home life is where its at right now. ut is great for learning and my daily life is decent, but i dont enjoy myself here like i do when at home when im surrounded by all those wonderful people. needless to say i was sad to go, and i hate feeling like as soon as im back up here im just counting the days till i can go back again, but its kinda how i feel at this point. i think its time i stopped apologizing for it and feeling bad about it and just accepted it as how my life is.

and at the end of the day life is wonderful.

what did i do over spring break? lemme give you a quick rundown:

-ate thai food for the first real time
-got drunk off one glass of wine
-got me some new spectacles
-met the fam
-hung out with brian mccarn in his natural habitat
-chilled at haigwood studios, as always
-had to explain myself to anthony
-got stuck in the botanical gardens after being stared at there for like two hours
-spent 115 dollars on a pair of jeans
-helped a bird eat a meal
-photographed the botanical gardens with jbomb
-rode the tech trolley!
-raqualette! (nothing more to say there)
-ate at fancy restaurants
-wished i lived at del webb active living for active adults
-went to cookie time
-toured columbia, south carolina
-saw heathers beautiful prom dress
-got lost on the way to showcase (but for once we found our way haha)
-lost boggle to amanda
-mailed in my first set of taxes
-dance partied in the hotel room
-got stared down by the men of charleston
-got some action

so with all these memories and a steady diet of train, acceptance, tahiti 80 and keane i trudged my way back up 75. this last stretch should go by quickly, but that wont mean that it will be easy. its going to be at least two more weeks before i get to return to the well and after that three weeks. then one more week and im home free. but it will be a stressful journey. not to mention that with the new strings i have attached to home, away is probably the last place ill want to be. but if i can get through this i know it will make the latter days even better and more meaningful. its going to be worth it.

for now i will float on a cloud through the pile of shit i have to do until midweek when i get my lighter classes and a delicious surprise.

but i went to bed at five this morning and ive got a sketchbook due at 1230 tomorrow. so i should get on that. toodles!

delicious surprise

calm down kids the name of this entry is also the title of a song. hah.

i am home and have been since wednesday evening which is why i haven't written because for once in my life i have something more important to do than be on facebook and the world wide web all the time. i can't say i've done too many remarkable things in the time i've been home, but i have enjoyed every second of it. from chilling with my mom in my bed half the day, to running in coldstone with the weird manager boy right before they closed, to chattin it up with heather today, to just driving around my home town and knowing where everything is, and let's not even think about skipping over the amazing afternoon/evening i had yesterday.

and hopefully it only gets better from here on out. im leaving tomorrow for charleston for a few days with two of my best friends. im sure we'll spend the bulk of the time eating things no proper diet would allow for, listening to rediculous music, getting crazy in the hotel room, walking the streets, shopping, and of course discussing male anatomy in ways no one ever has or should (in public places nontheless). then after that i'll return to the well to spend more time with my family which i have found i love so much and to see friends including but not limited to the loverly amanda henleben! i promise i will have no desire to go back to ut haha.

so as for yesterday, what is there to say. simply put, happiness. certainly a great deal of worry and nervousness, anxiousness. theres also always a sense of fear about these kinds of things, that maybe what youre gaining is not equivalent to or greater than what you're risking losing, but somewhere along the line you have to go with your gut and ultimately i just had a wonderful time. i can't say ive ever felt this way before and knowing that theres a chance i might not be dreaming or making something up in my head, that there's a chance it might be real is crazy to me. when you live with the thought of something, the dream of having something, the aspiration of something happening to you, when it actually does it is completely unreal.i feel like i dont deserve so much, i dont deserve this goodness to happen to me. but someone out there must think i do, and im thankful about that. this is something i've been dreaming about for a long time.

so i suppose this is toodles from roswell. haven't totally decided whether or not the old macintosh is gonna come with me for the trip but i'm thinkin i'm not so sure i trust hotel rooms so that's gonna be a no. i'm sure no one will miss me as ya'll are all out frolicking in the sand and getting extremely wasted. or sitting around at home. or going to class. one of the three.

I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

rejection.

an artists life is not an easy one. especially when the artist constantly questions whehter or not she is good enough to consider herself so. its a constant battle within, always questioning yourself and your abilities and trying to prove yourself to yourself. art is so subjective. its not like law where you pass this huge test and in doing so prove that you have what it takes to be a lawyer. theres no such test in art. all youve got is yourself and the little pieces of opinions you allow to trickle down into your mind. thats all you have to validate yourself.

ive been bored with myself and frustrated for probably the last nine months. i havent been excited about anything ive done. i read books i left town i watched movies i tried to gain that perspective that inspiration i needed to move forward. ive felt numb and dissappointed in myself and i feel there will be a turning point, but im just waiting and i dont know when it will be. i keep thinking "this is it, this is my break" and then it falls right through the cracks just like everything else. im so bored with myself and my ideas and my style. this isnt about one missed job opportunity, one bad show, one negative critique. this is about me being unhappy with myself and unable to remedy it. this is about me questioning whether im an artist or just a creative person. this is about me wondering if i just take good photographs or if theres something different about me. something that sets me apart from all the rest. something that makes me remarkable.

i think its time to get away from the knox. time to forget about being an artist or a student or whatever i am today and just relax a bit. take in all i can before the reality of the rest of the semester and my semicharmed life here sets in. spring break here i come, im so glad youve arrived i need you.

hopefully interesting events to follow.

ill keep you informed.

maybe we should start touching each other.

this weekend was good. much more eventful than most weekends here at the lovely university of tennessee. first friday in downtown knox. tomato heads. the flea market with all the Jesus nascar goodness. vintage shopping in the old city. running around the park in the wind. the fraternity boxing challenge. getting pushed over by drunk greeks. yelling over the band at the downtown brewery. being really cold. wondering if helen was alive. it was all good. im really glad i have friends who are willing to make the long trip up. it was nice to have a true break rather than just a typical weekend here in the tennessee hills.

i suppose my least favorite aspect of having people visit me is the in-your-face realization that i am not leading the most successful life ever here. when people from your past come around again, you want to show them how much you love your new life and how successful you are and how many friends you have, but i cant do that. i have a few people here i can really count on and call up whenever and hang out with all the time and the rest are just acquaintances. its not something i ever forget about, my inability to make tons of cool new awesome friends here and have crazy times here. believe me, its something ive struggled with for the past six months. i beat myself up on a daily basis about how i wish things were different, but i dont have it in me anymore. i cant beat myself up over it anymore and i dont need someone telling me how i should be doing things differently. i can promise you there are only a few of my friends who are truly in my situation, actually i can only name one.

so i dont appreciate being told how i need to try and i need to fix it and i need to do better. i know. i know i know i know i know i know. but you, YOU do not understand. and you cant understand unless you were put in my place. i know if you read through this thing it looks like im caving on an almost daily basis, but all things considered, ive been strong.

i apologize for the rant, its kind of unwarranted and borderline inappropriate, but i just dont want to hear anymore about how successful everyone else is and how im the only girl in the world who cant seem to get this thing right. there is no right. theres no one correct answer. its different for everyone.

so ill eat my food in my room because im not going to eat quiche that looks like leaky scrambled eggs and spinach soup that is stringy and reminiscent of bile.

im sorry. this has been mean and unexpected. but it upsets me when i have this thrown in my face when i already throw it in my own face. i dont need the sound of the siren in my head to be amplified any more than it already is. i know.

but i suppose if i have to live from class to class and thrive off of my weekly greys anatomy group and the occasional dinner with friends and live for the weekends that never really come until those days when i jump in my car and leave this state homeward bound, then that is what i will do. because that is what people do. they deal. this is what you have done in your life and it is what i will do in mine. the results have been and will be different and will surmise and different times.


but who the hell cares?

awkward.

haha so so true. i believe i am the awkward turtle.

so this is the time of year when i get completely disinterested in school and start doing things like spending an hour staring at my computer screen without navigating to a new page, shopping for things i dont need, spending hours taking retarded online quizzes and of course eating cookies. so heres my quiz results today, the sleeping position quiz:

Find your own pose!

So apparently im a social butterfly in need of refuge from my many many social endeavors. ha.

i tried on a pair of sevens today. they were 220 dollars. what kind of price should one put on making ones ass look relatively decent? i am not sure, but im pretty sure it is less than 220 dollars. jeans are frustrating. maybe tomorrow ill wake up with the body of giselle and i can just walk around naked all the time. id be down.

the 305 is restless. we're all looking for change. i dont think anyones completely prepared for summer, weve got a lot of work to do before then, but were ready for something. i spent a good part of the day vaccuuming and cleaning off surfaces and washing things and scrubbing all because this box is really getting to me. how sweet it will be to have a room to myself once again.

i bought some luggage today. if nothing else ive said here today has given any indication, im pretty ready to get out of here.

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

the angie playlist.

due to increased ipod usage, ive started thinking about my absolute favorite songs which stand the test of time. so though im not sure why i decided to make a list of them and ill share it with you today. enjoy. (ps: leave your musical opinions at the door, if you care to refute then get your own blog...smooches!)

(no particular order)

_so contagiously-acceptance
_summer breeze-seals and croft
_funeral for a friend-elton john
_romulus-sufjan stevens
_when you come back down-nickel creek
_tiny vessels-death cab for cutie
_whiskey lullaby-allison kraus and brad paisley
_closing time-semisonic
-dont panic-coldplay
_the devil in the wishing well-five for fighting
_let go-frou frou
_no such thing-john mayer
_the remedy-jason mraz
_todays the day-aimee mann
_chances are-sheryl crow
_sparks-coldplay
_not myself-john mayer
_brothers on a hotel bed-death cab for cutie
_colorblind-counting crows
_cannonball-damien rice
_vienna-the fray
_here is gone-the goo goo dolls
_goodnight and go-imogen heap
_naked as we came-iron and wine
_the prettiest thing-norah jones
_constellations-jack johnson
_tonight tonight-smashing pumpkins
_ill be near you-ivy
_slow dancing in a burning room-john mayer
-the trapeze swinger-iron and wine
-true love waits-radiohead
_a bad dream-keane
_float on-modest mouse
_speak-nickel creek
_trying-lifehouse
_1979-smashing pumpkins
_mississippi-train
_blue-perfect circle

so yeah its not an exhaustive list and obviously im not very hardcore, but
thats me...

quasi fiction.

she wakes up in the box and wonders, is this it?

everyone says the life she left behind is much more routine and predictable than the one she has now. now you get to make your own decisions, they tell her. she wonders if this is really true. she thinks back over the past three days and the grandest decision she can credit herself to is a startling yet firm choice she made when she forwent a pop tart in favor of a cookie last night.

maybe life never really changes, she thinks, maybe its all just the same just different. higher stakes, more candles on the birthday cake, more wrinkles around the eyes, more hearbreak under the belt. maybe life is just one big high school all over again.

she wakes up in the box and wonders, is this it?

the letters are off the window, and from a girl who reveals little into her personal life this says a lot. the letters are off the window and a decision has been made. now what. the girl who sleeps next to the girl wakes up in the box too and wonders, is this it?

the girl thinks back to days gone by as she slathers some of that country crock shit on her bagel. she knows she shouldnt think back. it never accomplishes anything and it never helps, but nevertheless she does.

she thinks back to the times when she knew what her life was. the days when she laughed till she cried and she enjoyed the time she had with the ones she loved. she thinks about the regrets she had, the mistakes she made, the things she wishes she could erase and realizes even if she had the chance, she'd never take the bulk of it back. she thinks back to the time when the future was an ambiguous object off in the distance, so far away grasping it was unthinkable.

the girl sits in her desk with her butter-substitute-shit-covered bagel. the dark is only disrupted by the sharp glow of a desk lamp.

the girl realizes that this ambigious object way off in the distance, the future, is no longer far away. but unlike a road sign or a billboard, the future has not become clearer with decreasing distance. it remains its own illusive mystery, and rather than becoming clearer it simply adds components. components to take into account. pieces of an infinite puzzle that will never be solved because the pieces never stop coming.

she sits in her box with her shit bagel and her desk lamp and her dirty clothes and her dusty shelf and her color wheel and her exposed film and her trash can and she wonders if she should be here.

maybe this was all a mistake.

maybe it wasn't.

but maybe it was.

she sits in her box with her shit bagel and her sketchbook and her memories and her obscure dreams and her tube of wrinkle cream that says its going to make all her troubles go away and she wonders, what now?

the girl sleeping next to her took the letters off the window. the letters are off the window, that says something. a decision has been made. this is all too much for her and she, like the girl, has no idea what to do with this obscure object that is never in focus completely.

the future.

its not unlike the present and its very much not unlike the past. but it is neither the present nor the past, it is something else. unlike the shit bagel and the sketchbook and the color wheel and the desk lamp and the dirty clothes she cant put her finger on such a thing.

how scary are the things we cannot touch.

spring break.

If ive got my count right, 17 days till spring break. its sad that i have a countdown in college like this, but i cant wait to get back home. for some reason theres so much more to look forward to back down south than up here in the tennessee hills.

legacy.

i wanna leave a legacy
how will they remember me?
did i choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy


this song made me start thinking about the idea of a legacy. i suppose we often connect the idea of the legacy with death and dying and the impression we leave once we're gone from the earth. but i think a legacy doesnt have to wait until you die. maybe a legacy is the values and ideals you uphold in your everyday life. maybe no matter what kinds of mistakes you make, lines you cross, people you hurt, wrong things you say, false accusations you make, lies you tell its your overall self at the end of the day that really matters. we all have skeletons in our closets. we all make mistakes. we all get angry. we all throw our cell phones across the room...well some of us do. but at the end of the day its who you are as a person in general that people will remember. if you can look in the mirror and feel that you are loved, genuinely loved, then maybe thats all you need to leave the kind of legacy we all want deep inside.

discovery.

i think we all figured it out. its funny how much i realize every day more and more how much my life parallels with that of my friends. despite the fact that we live in different places, have different ideals and beliefs and basically live different lives, we have so much in commnon in what we're going through in life. this makes me realize that life is truly a universal kinds of thing. maybe at the end of the day we all have to go through and learn the same things, just in different versions.

its a been a long week but ultimately a good one. the first part was extremely stressful and busy, filled with drama (for once not in my own life) the middle was filled with a sense of calm and peace and fun and the end was filled with realizations and reasons to be excited about the days to come.

on the way to the gym dogs meet robyn and i had a deep talk. an odd time to have a deep talk for sure, but we did. i decided that its quite possible that the main root of almost all of our problems is issues with self esteem. i know, it sounds stupid and brings to mind those stupid videos in health class produced in 1992 about girls and bad body images and models in magazines and anorexia and such, but to me self esteem is much more than that. self esteem is knowing that you are better than some people or things out there in the world. self esteem is understanding who you are and believing that you deserve the good. self esteem is not settling. so maybe we've all just had some self esteem issues. we were scared we alone weren't good enough for those around us so we pretended to be something we weren't. we didn't like ourselves so we tried a new person out for size, a person at the end of the day we'd never want to be. we went back to those who hurt us before because we felt like we couldnt do any better. we lied because we didn't trust that we alone were enough for the ones who love us. we believed that we were too low for anyone to ever truly love us. we thought we didnt know who we were.

maybe its all just an issue of weak self concept. maybe thats the root of all evil. maybe im onto something with this one.

but somehow, despite all our different situations, it seems my friends and i stumbled upon these things at roughly the same time. and i think we all feel better for it.

this week has been very unproductive. but maybe it was productive, just in a different way. my life in tennessee is very mundane. classes keep me going. keep me up there too long and i swear to you i might go insane, but these visits home are what keep me motivated. they drive me back to the ones i love, the ones i may one day love, the people of my past, the people of my future and a land of opportunity. here in georgia i see myself for what i am. and i am someone here. i am not just the girl in your class, the redhead in you sorority, the girl sitting across the lunch counter from you. here i am a person, a human. i have an identity. i am real here. and it is here that i see myself for what i am. i reflect on my past and look forward to the future, i see myself growing up and changing and i feel my southern accent slathering on. it is here that i feel myself as a person and its almost like here is the only place i can truly see and make the changes i need to make. coming home is always a learning experience, and while i can regret many a weekend of doing nothing or doing nothing substantial in tennessee, i never ever regret coming home.

btw last night was good. got sat on by adam one too many times. watched some ba slam dunking. didnt get any beads unfortunately. but i did get some telekenisis action haha.

cant wait for spring break. 3 weeks and counting.

the new valentines manifesto

so last night i went back and read what i wrote last year on valentines day. the typical bitterness abounded. but this year i have no reason to be sad. the past few days were brutal and now i have no desire to do schoolwork yet again. but who cares, the important thing is im home and it feels great to be here. i finally slept soundly for the first time in weeks. the crick in my neck is gone. last night was a wonderful night. very cold but it was the perfect way to spend any evening and especially valentines day. so whats next? i dunno but im excited. uga tomorrow and saturday then back here for fun times with kelley and adam and jordan. plus hopefully plenty of good sleep. i needed this. i needed the revival that home provides for me. i needed to see that there is an end in sight and something to look forward to. this weekend will be good for me. its time to make some decisions. to figure some things out. im sure by the time i return to the knox ill have a different outlook about things. a different demeanor. a different idea.

i cant wait for clarity.

forgive and forget.

"It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on."

if it doesnt matter to you, should it matter to anyone? if you dont think anything of it then is it really that important? is it worth starting something when youd really just rather forget it ever happened?

so they tell me to forgive is to:

1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.

forgiveness has definitely come into play in my life in recent times. whether it be me asking for forgiveness from trespasses ive committed against friends, me granting forgiveness to those who have wronged me, me wondering if the things ive done can in fact be forgiven or observing others in a struggle over who's wrong and who's right and who deserves the forgiveness its something i think we all should have a grander understanding of.

honesty is the best policy, but sometimes little lies save the ones we love from unneccesary hurt. if it doesnt matter to me, if its not important to me, if its something i wished had never been and would love nothing more than to forget, is it really even worth bringing up? maybe honesty isnt always the best policy, but theres a fine line. so how do you know? how do you know how much to say? what to keep to yourself? what to lock away because you never want to see it again and you certainly dont want anyone else to? what to conceal because you know others wouldnt approve?

at the end of the day its all a judgement call. a judgement call that if made incorrectly could have absolutely dire consequences. so there are really only two things we can do:

a. we hope we can make the right judgment call.
b. if we dont do a. we must hope those around us love us enough to look past our downfalls.

thats absolutely 100% totally and completely all you can do.

stop.

in other news i am running around like a mad woman because i basically have x hours left before my week ends and 5x hours worth of things to do. (you like that algebra? i know you do.) two exams i havent read for, a photo critique tomorrow morning and three compositions due in color theory. fuck me, seriously.

oh well it all ends up well i should hope. im so unbelievably excited for wednesday-sunday. i think good things will go down and good times will be had for all, or at least lets hope so.

for now im off to hopefully put a nickel-sized dent in my laundry list of lovely things to do.

"i think i've got a lot to look forward to"

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously


four more days. i can do this. the next few days are going to suck ass though. so much to do and no drive to do it. but theres a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for those who are willing to trudge onward i suppose. the past few weeks, despite the boredom and melancholy of winter have been amazing. for once in my life i feel happy in an unconflicted way. i dont feel like i have to make excuses or hide things or be sketchy, im happy and people are happy with me, and happy for me.

the realization ive come to is that the past is just that: the past. you dont have to let whats happened to you or what youve done in the past dictate how you live the rest of your life...that my dear is up to you today. soooo...

i dont owe anyone anything. i did what i could. i tore myself apart. and im over that now.

ive made mistakes. but im over them too. so leave me alone about it. if i dont ever want to repeat it again, if i dont ever want to talk about it again, if i dont ever want to think about it again, thats a choice i have the right to make.

i want stability now. i want constancy...thats not to say i want my life to be boring or uneventful, but im tired of being pushed to the limits in every aspect of myself...one can only do that for so long. i need unconditional love because thats what im trying to learn how to give. im fortunate to have a few friends who know how to give it as well.


so im going to move forward now. i dont know whats going to happen. its scary, but its neccesary...and i think ive got a lot to look forward to.

Mean Girls: Not a Movie, It's Our Lives.

I'd like to take a moment to explain why romance, chivalry and just plain love is dead. i hope the people quoted here never see this, because as you can tell, they can and would kick my ass any day of the week.

Ok girls, so we complain about how much we long for and never will receive what we believe we deserve from guys. we say we want romance, chivalry, we want to have those special warm feelings inside that can only come from special interaction with and attention from that special someone in our lives.

Now that's all well and good...but here's the issue: guys would probably totally go for this too. They might give us what we believe we deserve. They might take us out on dates, pay for our meals, hold the door for us, ask US out, not try to rape us every five seconds, they might try to do all these sweet gentlemanly things for us, but they often don't. Any thoughts on why they dont? Allow me to enlighten you.

These are direct quotes taken from girls on my friend list's profiles: (please dont kill me people im quoting, its for the greater good of female humanity):

"My name is _. I am a very straight-up person. I get what a want and I say what I mean.I like to drink rum with my friends and I love to dance. I'm a very laid back person and I keep it down on the earth. If you want to know more... just ask bitch!! :)"

"[I hate] two-faced bitches. I dont take shit off anyone, so dont try to give me any. I can get along with pretty much anyone unless theyve done me dirty in the past."


I'm sorry...what? Seriously, what is this, I don't know about you, but I don't want to mess with these girls...if this is what they say on facebook imagine what they could do to you in real life...they could tear you apart!

So lets revisit the question: why aren't guys all we want them to be? Well first of all I think we expect a little too much out of the guys, its hard to do everything, so i completely understand and sympathize with that. But why aren't guys chivalrous? Why don't they ask us on dates? What happened to old fashioned romance? I'll tell you what happpened, girls became insane psycho killers of men, they became bitches who are "straight-up" and "don't take shit off of anyone". Now who wants to put their heart out there and be vulnerable to girls who extend this kind of demeanor? No sensible boy would, i know if i was a boy, i wouldnt.

Face it girls, we are scary and until we get our acts together and calm the hell down, we're not moving forward at all in our quest for love.

if you want a gentleman, be a lady, thats all im trying to say. and men, take heart, we want you to do those nice things for us, but i wholeheartedly agree in you lack of gusto for this kind of thing when the ladies are running around like wild animals on the prowl.

lets trade bitch slaps and verbal blows for hugs and compliments. i assure you the world would be a better place.

1 year broken hearted
But now his ghost is finally gone
Done with broken people
This is me
I'm working on (cause I know)

Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know' I'll be ok
Good love is on the way

Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I’m
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore

oh jmay how i love thee. another amazing concert in an incredibly ghetto sketchy venue. im basically drifting from day to day at this point. counting the days until the next big thing...a long weekend in georgia, spring break, summer. a case of the febuary duldrums i suppose, but good love is on the way.

back to you.

i made it through monday relatively unharmed, albeit covered in printing ink. its cold as balls up here. im ready for spring...thinner clothes equals more room in my closet. im ready to be able to go out at night and feel my extremities. to wear flip flops. to see green.

meanwhile im living in a day to day world of nonworking dvds, trips to kroger to get bagels, the fray and the garden state soundtrack, my favorite jeans getting a hole in the worst of places, i love new york, running errands, washing dishes, returning emails, getting dressed up, praying that im doing the right thing, staying up late having conversations about everything, making plans for the rest of the semester, wondering if i should feel more sad right now, dishing photographic advice, fridays three course combos, west town mall, gloves and sweaters, finally getting a photographic start here in knoxville, dream furniture shopping, sleeping all day, trying to be more creative, contemplating transfer, being excited for valentines for the first time in my life, lesbian wedding interviews, picture messaging belton, getting random and unexpected mail that gives me closure, finally feeling it once again and the darkroom.

its amazing what happens when you just throw it all down on the table, unfold your white flag and say "i surrender". its never a done deal, its a process, a cycle that you must forge day after day, but if you have it in you to do it, i think it has a lot to offer. so as much as it kills me to know someone out there doesnt think well at all of me anymore, and more importantly that ive lost a friend, a great friend, an important friend. but maybe thats what had to happen. maybe thats how far it had to go for me to understand. maybe i had to leave and experience unconditional love from a higher and greater source than us all before i could ever expect to give it back to a friend and to receive it anymore. so i guess you sacrifice some things to do what He wants. you might lose a friend. you might not live where you want for a while. but in the end, you get whats best.

i feel much more at peace with myself than i did a week ago. most of the circumstances right now say i shouldnt feel at peace, but i do.

the rest will work itself out in time, if thats what its meant to do.

: )

wisdom and discernment.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you
rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and
lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is
easy, and my burden is light." Matt. 11:28

the general consensus with me seems to be: "do whatever you need to do."

so what do i need to do? this is such an important decision directed toward me in such a short amount of time. i cant handle it, it pulls at me from both directions all the time. i suppose it would be important to talk to the parents about all of this. if i left it could solve many problems. it could also create quite a few. whenever i feel like i have my final answer, i feel like ive finally got it, something else creeps right in and i realize this is never going to be quick painless and easy.

and i just keep thinking, this is my life! shouldn't i allow myself the privelage of being happy? four years isnt that long, but thats four years of my life! ill never get over the idea of thinking how it might have been, if only, if only.

i cant let this be in my hands anymore, this is too big of an issue for me. im not strong enough to carry the weight of this one.

ive gotta let it go.

there's so many things i have to let go. leave it up to someone greater and wiser than me to work out in time.

kinda makes me want to punch a wall or something.

but that would hurt so im not going to.

especially considering my walls are made of cinder block.

there is much to do this weekend, but not too terribly much i actually want to do this weekend.

meanwhile, despite the fact that i have a hummer sized honker of an issue weighing me down, im feeling really good. all things considered i suppose i should probably feel sad and like shit after some of the events of this week, but i dont. beating myself up and being sad over things which i have no control of is not going to help me get where i want to be, and any changes i make in myself should be for me and me alone. not to please or fulfill the wishes of someome else. ive come to realize trying to please people (and i suppose this is certain types of people moreso than others) is basically futile and impossible. and in the end, maybe its not worth it. i think as long as youre pleasing the majority of the people who matter to you, then youre golden, because maybe the rest of the people who matter to you, have the wrong ideas about how you should be or how to convey to you how you should be...if that made any sense.

so despite the fact that i have a hummer sized honker of an issue weighing me down, i feel like in some ways a weight has been lifted. its an exciting thing to think about. so exciting in fact, i ran a 7 minute mile on thursday at the gym. again, i feel the need to reiterate that i dont run, and i certainly dont run 7 minute miles. the mood has to strike me haha.

so thats where we are. waiting. contemplating. working toward change. prying my fingers off the issues and reminding myself to just let it go.

give it up.

in the 7th grade i played piano at a thing called federation. it was where you memorized a piece and played it in front of a judge and they gave you a certificate that told you what level of excellence you recieved.

i worked for months to memorize my piece. i practiced at least 30 minutes everyday, and by the time federation came around, I could play the thing backwards and forwards no trouble.

when the day came, i went into the little room with the judge and sat down at the piano. the notes came easily to me as i began to play the piece. then, as if they got bored and left, the notes stopped coming. i couldn't find my place in my mental sheet music and i couldnt remember a thing. panic set in. there was nothing i could do. there was no one there to help me. my teacher wasnt there, my music wasnt there, hell, my mom wasnt there. all eyes were on me and i was failing miserably. after fumbling through what little fragments of the piece i could remember, i literally ran out of the building.

all eyes on me.

so i find myself feeling very similar today. i pushed the buttons as far as they would go, and now i am reaping the results. there's only one way to find my true self again after all this time, to get back all ive lost, to feel whole again. but that means giving it all up. just throwing everything i've got onto the table and saying "this is all i am and im giving it to You". that means giving up control. this means letting go of some aspects of my life. and sometimes i suppose it takes a few close calls and losing something thats very important to you to realize the damage youre capable of doing. its a sad thing, but its the truth.

so ive talked and talked and talked about all these changes i want to make. this person i want to become, but its all just talk.

and now i find myself sitting on the piano bench again six years later. all eyes are on me. i cant talk to anyone about it, thats not going to make it better. no one could possibly understand what im talking about anyway. i have no teacher or guide to help me make it through, just a few close friends who will help me, but even they can only do so much...they cant do it for me. and i dont have all my friends, ive lost a few in the shuffle, and that kills me to think about, but whats done is done and cant be undone.

i find myself sitting on the piano bench and this thing has been talked to death and theres nothing else to say or think about or contemplate its just a simple matter of getting on with my life and transforming myself according to His purpose.

no sheet music, no teachers, no mom, just me.