push the pedal down, watch the world around fly by us.

im not sure what i want to accomplish in this entry. what i want to say. what i want to discuss. i became inspired to write again from my trip to hawaii. the trip was amazing and i love everything about hawaii and if i had to relocate tomorrow thats the first place i would go.

while there i got to work with a local photographer. i asked him how he got started and he told me he just started showing up at a resort near his house and photographing families on vacation. he would run the film home and process it and come back with prints the next day. it blossomed from that and eventually he was doing it for real.

ive been around enough photographers to finally realize that that is how its done: you make your own way. your future becomes what you want it to be. kelly went to the art institute for photography and has now settled in a job working around photography but not with it. im sure she could be great if she struck out on her own, but i just dont see that happening right now. belton moved to california. now hes working around people like mandy moore and sarah michelle geller. belton and kelly both have made their own way, but with very different aspirations in mind. i prefer the belton method.

the hawaii trip gave me time to sit back relax and just think. its something i havent done in a while because ive been so busy trying to cram all the pleasures of home into a seemingly miniscule summer. in the end i came to a singular conclusion: over the past year, i grew up.

ive always been mature for my age, but even the mature have issues along the way. i spent a lot of time with myself, and when you have nowhere else to turn and no one else to rely on that makes you a very strong. yes i was meek. i was shy. i was ashamed that when my friends from home came to visit me at school i couldnt show them a good time because i didnt know what one was. but in the end it made me strong.

it was a long road to get to strength though. in one simple moment at the end of last summer, i felt quite worthless. its almost like when someone who supposedly cares about you lets you go, you wonder to yourself "if that person of all people doesnt care, then i guess no one does...and then again neither should i care about me"

so i stopped caring about me. i did whatever and went with the flow and by the end of january i found myself at an emotional breaking point.

so i moved on. i pretended to delve into my schoolwork for the remainder of spring semester. i developed a relationship with jbh. i may have even started to like my sorority, kinda.

and thats what i did.

then i came back here and found my art again and slept in a comfy bed and spent time with the ones i love and achieved some assimilitude of familiarity once again.

but ill never achieve paradise. home has its deamons as well. they never fail to return at my doorstep pushing my limits and asking me questions i don want to entertain. im dealing with these deamons one by one each day.

maybe i dont see the real changes in me over the past year. maybe ive become a coldhearted bitch. maybe im not interesting. maybe im becoming my parents. maybe i think im better than everyone else.

im not really sure of anything else, but i am sure that i feel stronger. its something im working on everyday. jbh says i have a tendency to go along with anything anyone tells me just to avoid conflict or having someone dislike me. hes absolutely right and i know this. and ovbiously being disliked is not really something anyone wants to be, but there are times when its for the cause of self defense. you can shoot someone in self defense and not be charged for murder.

so thats where im at. working each day to try to convince myself that i am in fact worth someting despite how i may have felt in the past.

and thats why last tuesday i cried for an hour.
and thats why in my relationship i feel like im getting the better end of the deal.
and thats why im ready to stop dealing with the fallout of last year, and start seeing the good that has come, the strength and most important enjoy my newfound highly-improved ecstacy.

this has been long and disconbobbled and i apologize to anyone who tried to read this for that. i leave you with a word from my favorite poet pablo neruda:

Love, a question
has destroyed you.

I have come back to you
from thorny uncertainty.

I want you straight as
the sword or the road.

But you insist
on keeping a nook
of a shadow that i do not want.

hello internet world, its good to see you again.

well, its been awhile. that is for a few reasons. i truly have been quite busy over the past month, and i couldnt be happier about that. lots and lots of photography, making money (yay finally) and of course last but certainly not least spending time with the increasingly wonderful jbomb hottie (i believe that for the purposes of internet shorthand and to avoid any confusion with previous jordans in my life ill call him jbh from here on out haha). yes home has certainly been wonderful for a multitude of reasons. i only regret that i feel distant from most of my girlfriends here at home. i knew we would grow apart, i guess i just didnt expect it to happen this quickly. but i suppose thats the punishment i get for staying stagnant for an entire year while everyone else moved on with their lives. no matter, the truly important people in my life are right where i left them and they always will be.

in addition to my business i havent written due to a lack of material. this blog has become such a breeding ground for my gripes and complaints and infinite sadnesses about life that its almost like when things are going well i feel no need to write.

then i had doubts. i considered shutting down this blog. then i considered making a new private one. i feel like i havent really been able to write all i feel in this because it has a tendency to upset people (and no jbh im not talking to you). the truth is, im neurotic and often make up problems and anxieties in my head that in fact do not exist in real life, but i write them here and then people freak out. but im tired of having to put little disclaimers on everything i say. so maybe this shouldnt be out there for the public to see...

...but then again youve all had a year and a half long glimpse into my mind. if the writings went away youd still know the kinds of things i was thinking, you just wouldnt have written specifics, and maybe knowing the things i would never say would hurt even more.

i dunno.

but ive gotten used to this thing over time and after i came home from hawaii i really wanted to get back into writing in this. i got totally inspired to write about how great everything was and my newfound optimism. somehow today that got semi thrown out the window for reasons i wont mention explicitly here.

well writing one really long entry seems really intimidating right now. so ill split it up.

something better.

i think my mother and i have the same disease. we talked about it this afternoon as i stood in the kitchen in half my work uniform drinking water out of my pi phi bottle, hair a mess.

we both hate to be hated.

i cant stand the thought of me doing something that would make someone else have ill will towards me in any way. i dont know if its me selfishly looking out for my reputation or if its some sort of guilty conscience keeping me from doing harm to others. but i think more than anything, it is my inability to close the books in my life.

i hate the idea of having a definite end to anything in my life. so i half-close doors. i half ass quit my job just in case i want to go back there again later...wanna make sure they still like me. i act nice when i dont feel that way towards people because i dont know if ill regret ending relationships with them.

i forget that maybe i could do better. maybe i dont need to break friendships nicely, pretend everything is normal and ok when it is not. maybe i deserve better than that. maybe there will be toher friends, just as good if not better. maybe i should remind myself that if im worth what i had in the first place, then i can certainly get all those things and more back again.

love lies bleeding in my hands.

give me something to believe in
cause i dont believe in you
anymore
anymore.

ive noted that the older i get, the more i learn about myself. my tendencies, my stregnths, my weaknesses, my abilities, my moods, my thought processes. the friends i make and the people i interact with (or choose not to interact with) i believe are largely based on the portrait i paint of myself. as the things i learn about myself change, the types of people and the individuals themselves that i surround myself with change in accordance. it may seem sad at the time, but the truth, i believe, is that it's all just part of the cycle of becoming the person you should be.

so im thinking about my senior girls: jenny, heather, alex, others. they are all in the same spot i was last year. i put myself back in that place and realize how much i have learned and grown in the past year.

so i tested the waters a bit. tried some things out. carried on relationships that i'll never forget, though some days i probably wish i could. in the end i believe i learned that just as much happiness can be experienced through the more steady (read: boring) relationships i have with people than the wild crazy passionate interesting ones.

i mean sure, who doesn't love to be swept of their feet by someone who turns their world upside down and shakes everything theyve ever thought about the universe into pieces? its exciting, its different, its fun and ill be the first to admit its life changing, much for the better.

but in that case the highs are so high but the lows are that much lower. there are certain things you look for: honesty, availability, accountability and theyre just not there in this kind of relationship.

then theres the slow and steady relationship. it may not be exciting or passionate or revolutionary, but above all else it is true to its core. you wont spend weeks upon weeks in ecstacy, but you also wont spend weeks upon weeks in deep depression with this relationship.

at the end of the day though some may argue this allows for little or no personal growth, i choose the slow and steady. and to those who say this hinders growth i say this to you: change must come from within. sure others are often catalysts for change in our lives, but only YOU truly know yourself and YOU know what needs to change. no one can do that for you and you shouldnt allow them to. that being said i now take complete credit for the changes made in my life and in my views, a special thanks to those who helped me along the way, but truth be told you didnt do the hard work; i did.

with the slow and steady, i feel cared for all the time not just when its convinent. with the slow and steady, honesty is the name of the game, and that feels nice. with the slow and steady,time is not spent in overdramatized arguments.

i am very thankful to all the people i have in my life who roll slow and steady.

the stupid girl.

i remember a day several months ago. i looked pretty that day. i had just come from the place i used to work. i had my boots and my pencil skirt and that cardigan everyone always compliments me on on. my hair looked nice and my mascara curled my lashes such that i looked lovely, irresistible if you will.

it was warm for december, but then again last winter was mild in general. i hadnt been home from school long at all, but it felt good to be here. endless possibilities stretched out before me on the long break ahead.

i remember conversation, laughter, comfort once again. the warm feeling of being around someone i care about and someone who really knew me and had seen me in all lights instead of the superficial plasticity of my newfound so called college friends.

i remember the feeling of sheets cool against my face, burying my head into the pillow of a familiar place. i remember the feeling of friendship, of more than that, of closeness.

then i remember the cold sharp sting. the ripping pain. the heavy drop in my stomach. the bastard hands that pushed me away, that told me no, nevermind, i dont want you.

the question of right and wrong and what worked out for the best is not something im here to discuss today. im here to say that there are some things from which you can never recover.

i remember walking down the front porch steps back to my car that day with a feeling of resolve. i felt good. the incident: forgotten.

but i was not fine. maybe i never will be fine.

because of that day and so many others, i am regularly reminded of what i stupid girl i am. some days it goes away, but the right events, the right words out of someones mouth, the right phase of the moon can always bring it back.

and now, because of that day and so many others before it, i feel stupid for spending time making myself beautiful. i feel stupid for trying to be romantic. i feel stupid for trying to be sexy. i feel stupid for believing that i could ever be someones somebody. i feel stupid for thinking i am important. i feel stupid for believing i am something other than an object to anyone.

maybe that day and so many others before it is just an easy target for me to blame for the way i feel and the way i am today. maybe its no ones fault but my own. maybe those events didnt really shape who i am now.

but im not so sure anyone could understand until they feel the cold deceptive fondling touch of outright rejection.

so this blog is slowly becoming just a weekly thing haha. i used to depend on it more i think. the emotional highs and lows had to go somewhere outside of myself, and im sure my friends were sick of hearing about it over and over, if they were even there at all. now i dont feel quite so manic anymore, though i do want to keep this thing going. its been an excellent record of the past year and half and been a very interesting thing to look back upon after the fact.

hey!
you know what i forgot to do?
recap the school year in song duh.
so here goes:

August: World-Five for Fighting (basically the entire Two Lights album)

September :(and the rest of the year pretty much): Continuum-John Mayer with an emphasis on Stop This Train, Dreaming with a Broken Heart, Belief, and Slow Dancing in a Burning Room.

October:The Arts and Crafts Sampler Album as well as Broken Social Scene-Shoreline

November: Romulus-Sufjan Stevens and the Outtakes and Rarities Album also by Sufjan Stevens.

December: 9 (the album) bye Damien Rice, more specifically Accidental Babies and Rootless Tree and Headlock-Imogen Heap

January: I dont really remember anything about January and it was kinda a fucked up month...lets forget that month

February: Cupid's Chokehold-Gym Class Heroes, So Contagiously-Acceptance, Legacy- Nicole Nordeman

March: Cruel as School Children (album) by Gym Class Heroes (SB07 duh), Phantoms (album) by Acceptance, Puzzle (album) by Tahiti 80

April: The Light in Your Eyes and There Goes the Neighborhood both by Sheryl Crow, Say You Will-Fleetwood Mac, Eleanor Rigby-The Beatles, Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)-Arcade Fire

So there you have it, my year in music. It certainly brings back a lotttt of memories. I believe that second only to scent, music is the strongest evoker of memories.

I'll be writing in this again soon. with no job in site and not much else to do i should have plenty of free time on my hands...plus i forgot how much i like doing this haha.

farewell to the 305.

well im sitting here at 515pm scarfing down popcorn because its the only thing left in my dorm room that looks remotely appealing. all the things i brought to make this place have the comforts of home are gone: my photographs, a rug, george foreman grill and of course the television for greys anatomy. i, as are my two comrades ebeth and porterhouse, am waiting for the grand finale of all this mess. i check out tomorrow morning at 1030 and then is 75 south to freedomland aka: summer at home.

the 305 has been good to me. save the trains and construction outside at all hours of the night and morning, the lack of hot water in the shower at times and my microwave's inability to evenly heat anything, this has been a great experience. i am proud to say that i won the tally of most visitors throughout the year with a total of ten, though i did not take the first to have a boy spend the night title, that was unofficially taken by helen, though i was not far behind. we will end our year much like our friendship began, with a dinner of green bean fries and oreo cake, a few bottles of wine and some good stories, surely to end up with me rolling around on the floor, though i can only hope ill have enough time to sweep up all the skank nasty dust bunnies before this is to occur. there has really been no time or want to be sentimental about this whole year ending thing, and im ok with that. if have learned anything from being at least 200 miles away from all my high school friends it is this: the ones you are meant to stay in touch with you will. obviously its something you have to work at, but if the friendship is truly there, you will make the efforts. i have even grown closer to some people being apart than i was when we were together...hell i even got a boyfriend out of it. so thats why i dont get sad about this, im living with one of the 305 gangstas next year, and the other two, well we'll see how it goes.

though the weeks and days drug on and the classes seemed like they might never end, this year in truth has been the shortest one yet. a lot of growing up has gone down in the past year, and ive learned a lot about myself, as usual. this year has been one long struggle for sanity and identity. i spent much of the year questioning who i was and where i was going. i contemplated my future. i went crazy. i regretted not regretting that i went crazy. but just as soon as you can swing yourself one way, you can turn it back around...if thats indeed what you want to do. at the end of the day, that i s what i wanted to do, so i did.

i still havent found my niche here at ut. im adjusting more each and every day. it still concerns me that im at the top of the art program. im not sure ill stay here for the next three years. but its only three years. but then again you just never know where youll be led. never say never. i keep reminding myself how many times ive found that to be oh so true in my life and in the lives of those around me.

so how can i sum up the fresman experience? in coach coyle's words its been real and its been fun, but its not been real fun. nothing horrible happened, but nothing amazing did either. i cant complain, but i cant brag either. but its not about the good things or the bad things, its about the experience. ive been down a path and through scenarios i may not have ever expected before. ive grown up a little bit and regained myself, albeit a new self.

i leave this for my high school senior friends:
enjoy the rest of school and summer, you want to get out so badly, but there are things you'll miss when youre gone. love your family, theyre the one sure thing youve got. dont let anything scare you and dont judge. campbells microwavable soups will get you through the winter. dont hang around the frat houses too much, dont get drunk with people you dont know well and dont ever forget who you are even if youre not sure who that person is at the time.

so i bid the 305 a fond farewell. happy summer to all, ill be seeing you soon.

drift.

helen sent me this picture today. this is us on the day of move in way back in august. note how gross and awkward we look. so much has changed (at least i like to think that) i think this picture email came at the perfect time to be included in my blog.

a school year has come and gone (basically, lets nevermind the fact that ive got three finals ahead of me next week and a lot of prep work for said finals that i am currently in the process of avoiding). i cant believe how fast its gone by. when i think about individual weeks at a time, longing for my next trip down 75-south, things seem to have moved very very slowly, but as a whole this has been the fastest school year yet. however i cant say im sad that it went by so quickly. freshman year is awkward and strange and takes a lot of adjusting. freshman year being over? not such a sad prospect to me. i see it as a victory that i actually made it through a whole year without jumping out my dorm room window.

i spent a lot of time by myself this year. not sure if thats a good or bad thing. i could go either way on the issue. once again, i proved to myself that im quite independent. independence can be a bad thing, shutting people out and such, but ive realized even moreso what a gift i have of not having to rely on other people for things. this ability has allowed me to grow going off to school without having other people tell me how to be or what to do. the independence has also shielded me a little bit from getting hurt. sure i got hurt my fair share, but independence can function as a defense mechanism in the right situations. this year i did some things im not proud of, maybe even lost myself a little bit, but i wonder if you ever really know who you truly are if you dont step outside yourself for a few minutes and be someone else. i appreciate my life, the GOOD people around me and myself as a person so much more because of what i allowed myself to do and who i allowed myself to be there for that little while. im not proud of it, and i can live the rest of my life without repeating it, but now i see the positive that has come out of it.

i dont know what the next few years will bring. i think back to a year ago and think about who i was and who i thought i would be and how i thought my college life would be and realize how dead wrong i was. here i sit on the first of may, 2007 a sorority girl, art student, with two good friends in college, five pounds lighter, with the high school sweetheart boyfriend. its not exactly how i pictured myself, which is what makes me question the future all that much more. if i had no idea how my life would be a year ago, how can i have any perception of how it will be in another year, two years, by graduation?

but you cant do that to yourself. its a losing battle. no one can predict the future and trying is suicidal. last night i spoke with a friend about her and her boyfriend's relationship. she had some reservations about their future. she posed some questions that i myself have thought about, but dont want to. this conversation was a little unnerving for me, a girl in a new relationship that i really want to be successful. jordan and i talked about it too and i felt better. wandering aimlessly around my house this morning the final verdict on the situation occurred to me: stop making such a big deal out of everything! with my newfound relationship as well as with my friend's relationship, we are not losing anything. we are never losing. even if it ends we dont lose a thing. and if you think of things in terms of losing, you're only setting yourself up for unneccesary worry and grief. i have not gained a boyfriend. i dont have a boyfriend, i have a new best friend. and if that should end then it will be no more than the drifting away of two friends. it is indeed sad, but its happened to me before. looking at this situation as a friendship feels so much more right, and i feel like viewing this relationship as a friendship meakes it more real and true. theres no need to worry about the future. worries about the future are always incorrect and unwarranted.

life is crazyyyyy. it hurts my brain to try and figure it out.

so maybe i should just stop trying and go with it.

seriousness is for old people and librarians.

"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, we have only today, let us begin"
-helen keller

closing time.

so i dont know if i can reiterate this enough. im ready to go home! i am done here.

jordan came this weekend for formal and it was wonderful. i forgot about everything else going on, which is what i strive to do on a daily basis anyway, and just enjoyed myself. i am now dehydrated, tired and have a variety of other issues i wont go into, but it was a fun weekend. formal was fun and despite the happiness i feel that jordan was there, my most favorite and memorable part of the evening may have been stuffing myself into the bathroom with about 15 of my sorority sisters, everyone bouncing around and talking and being crazy. then of course there were the meatballs and the spicy crackers, i suppose those could be considered highlights as well haha.

so now jordan is gone and im back to the realities at hand. he took our futon with him which means the room is slowly but surely turning back to its original shape. when i leave this place on may 9th it will have bare floors, beds on the floor, bare walls, and empty warm fridge. it will look just like the institutional cell that i walked into on august 19th, devoid of all the memories, the emotions, the hours spent on ichat, the wine parties, the studying, the sleeping late and staying up all nights.

but it is sooo time to move on.

i'm so excited for what summer is sure to bring me. but i also approach summer with a hint of reservation. home is now almost an unfamiliar place. the same people will return but they will not be the same people that once resided there. its scary to face the facts of what will come of me and some of my friends, its not always a pretty sight.

then theres the prospect of finally being in a relationship with someone i share a zip code with. but i also approach this with a sense of reservation. the deeper i go, the harder i fall. the distance makes it easier to keep myself in line, to try to precent myself from becoming too invested in this. to protect myself. but when the distance goes away, i know i will forget about all those things, as i rightfully should. letting go and enjoying yourselves is what its all about. but when the time comes, can i handle the distance again? at the end of the day it will become a question of seriousness, are we willing to face three more years of this struggle? is it worth the sacrifice?

i dont know, its very apparent upon my reading back over what i just said that i am thinking way to deeply into this. summer hasnt even begun yet. if i spend my time worrying about what the end of summer will bring, ill miss the summer itself.

can i just reiterate once more that im so ready to get out of here. tennessee has been kind to me, but im tired of being a freshman.

im ready to go home.

bored.

so im really tired of everything and im really unmotivated to do anything, including thinking deeply or profoundly about anything for this blog. instead i offer you this shotty substitute. id like to see if any of you faithful readers out there have been paying attention. so here is something to distract you from what you should be doing, a quiz about yours truly. try it out and lets see who can get the highest score. buena suerte!

Take My Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com Can you Ace my quiz? Yes! No Let's Find Out!

let doomsday begin.

so today someone shot and killed 30 people, then himself at virginia tech. another shooting occurred at the dorms where two more were shot dead. the largest shooting in US history, school or not. i recall walking around campus here one afternoon and remarking to myself how easy it would be for someone to take out a ton of people very quickly on our campus. you wanna piss some people off? why not hit america at its heartland, hit some innocent students, hit a large group of people at once? its such a scary idea to entertain.

i think these kinds of things easily affect me. i become glued to the tv as the facts of the disaster unravel bit by bit. i imagine myself in the scenario, a young life taken so quickly. i think of the nickelback video for "saving me" where the people are walking around with the countdown clocks counting down the years, months, days, minutes and seconds left in their lives. to think that we are predisposed to a certain length of time in life, a mystery length that we can never know, that is until the string runs to the end, the final and unrepentable knot. it often takes real life situations and living vicariously through others' trauma to remember this fact.

the doomsday clock now sits at five minutes till midnight. i see the way the world is going and its not a pretty picture. when i think about how i perceive the state of the world to be at this time, i think about the night of september 11, 2001. i remember walking to the window and looking at the dark night sky, not a plane in site. i reflected on all that happened that day. on the innocence lost. on a new world view. on an outlook of fear in the future. on the feeling that maybe everything i had once thought was true or right no longer existed. on the world for what it truly is: scary, uncertain and illusive.

correspondence

Angie,
I purchased a box of cards without giving it a second thought simply because they had such a great pattern. the cost is justifiable if they are able to aid in preserving certain relationships or bonds.

it is sunday and raining so there is plenty of time to think, to write, to reconnect.

how is photography going now that you are doing film? i recently began a paid membership with fotocommunity after realising i no longer do photography for fun. next time that you are in atlanta, i would lie to work/shoot with you, that is if you desire and are willing.

i now see that i am distancing myself further from most everyone in my life, and am also allowing many bonds to break and connections go lost. i can not say why though, but i do feel more inspired, confident, and simply happy than ever befor.

do write to me befor i become a complete hermit in a cave some where.

jordan

**********************************

jordan,
it was nice to hear from you. i like your stationary too. i hope you are doing well and i hope you don't become a hermit in a cave. in an effort to prevent such an event, i am writing you back.

things are just fine here in the tennesseee hills. schoolwork keeps me busy, but i am ready to be done for the year. film has been interesting for me and i've enjoyed working in the darkroom and now i'm back to my digital comfort zone for the rest of the semester. i haven't been happy with any of my work for almost a year. i figured coming here to a new place would provide new inspiration and that my work would flourish, but that was not the case. i ended up frustrated and unsatisfied each time i went out to shoot. my professor told me to put down my camera and live my life and it will come back to me, so that is what i am doing. that is not to say i've quit by any means, but i'm not forcing anything right now. i'm doing it for enjoyment and trying to have fun and experiment and play once again.

i have a boyfriend now, a high school sweetheart who i was lucky enough to have come back to me. we have been dating for almost two months, and i am very happy. ironically enough his name is also jordan, not to be confused with you since you two are very different people. he is the type of guy i could see you laughing at after he left the room, but he is not too unlike the type of man i would like to marry someday, so i am very happy. the girl you knew those months ago was not the same one writing you today. she was not me. but i am much happier in general now. i feel you have played an intergral part in my journey from then to now and i am very thankful to you for that. i looked online at your recent work and i like where you are going. jade looks beautiful as usual and i'm sure you're happy that margaux is back in the area. i hope the studio has not killed your sense of creativity, JORDAN SHEPLER: OFFICIAL SCHOOL PHOTOGRAPHER. I would be willing to work with you when i am at home, but i will have to ask the other jordan first, he is quite protective of me. rightfully so, you know i'm a tough one to handle.

thanks again for writing and i will see you soon.

angie

full.

i'm not afraid and i don't think its premature for me to say that im enamored.

absolutely enamored.

as if there was ever any doubt.

its this feeling, the feeling i have today that i must always keep in mind. put it in my pocket and save it for the time when i have doubts, when i feel like its not working, when i feel like its too hard, when i feel giving up.

i want to remember this day. this day and how tight i held onto everything.

baldwin lee says i need to put down the camera for ten seconds for my life and see the world without a lens, with my eyes. ive spent the past year and a half hiding behind scenarios and problems and melodramas and craziness and wild streaks and excuses and loneliness and camera lenses. when i think on these things it makes me want to cry. cry out of regret, confusion, disappointment in myself, and then cry because im free from that, cry because theres something else in life, cry because i can do better and i know this now.

so now i sit here early easter morning 2007 in the bedroom of so many nights and just as many mornings making futile attempts not to bawl. for the first time in a year and a half i feel real again. i dont feel like someone else is controlling me. i look in the mirror and i know the face staring back at me. i feel familiar to myself. i feel important. i feel worth something. i look at myself and know that i am not crazy. it has been a crazy cyle from start to finish and i cant say anyone caused anything to happen, good or bad on their own accord. i chose my reactions to the events in my life. this is my journey and no one elses.

but i just cant get over how it feels to finally feel like i know who i am. to put the excuses and the pitty party and the camera lenses and down and see myself, really see.

to feel full.

today i am at home. this makes me so happy and its something ive waited for for a long time.

today i remembered how much my family means to me.

today i laughed because my parents get me. theyve been around for things, unlike the people i spend my days with now up in the tennessee hills.

today i stayed up until 2 am eating vegetable crackers and peanut m & m's talking on aim with the one i wish i could see everyday.

today i had chicken parmesan. and i ate it. because it was food. and it wasn't filled with onions.

today i felt beautiful.

feels good.

the little things.

check me all techied out. w00t. thanks to jbomb for the scandalous attire haha.

this weekend has been a reminder of the importance of the little things. in a world where everything must be bigger and better and faster and stronger and more megapixels, i think we now have a rarity of the little things. and i remember from kemp's microeconomics class that the less of something there is, the greater it is prized when found. face it little children, we love the little things.

it's the random facebook message.
it's the letter in the mail saying im praying for you.
it's the phone call.
it's the stick of chapstick.
it's the door held open for you.
it's the listening ear when you need it.
it's the single pink rose.
it's the person who shows they care when you never knew they did.
it's the cancelled class.
it's the hand running up and down your back at 7 am.

at the end of the day, it's not about the number of megapixels you have, the capacity of your hardrive in gigabytes, its not about how much horsepower your packing, how many bedrooms you have, or your gpa.

it's about those little things.

by the same token, its the little things that destroy us. the little sip of the drink we thought was wine which now becomes a poison to ourselves, a small sampling of something that was supposed to be good, but turned oh so ugly faster than anyone could see it coming. it's not about the huge knock down drag out fights, it's once again those little things that destroy us.

it's the broken promise.
it's the unspoken actions with another.
it's the time you were late and you didn't call and she was worried sick about you.
it's the one kiss.
it's the one lie.
it's the three minutes when you forgot who you were and Who's you were.
it's the hidden dissatisfaction with another.
it's the one little secret.
it's the hidden meaning of what you say.

while advertising, pop culture, the media at large and our everyday environment might attempt to convince us otherwise, life is not about the big things. the big things are those we pay the extra $29.95 for and get the Gold Promise Extended 2-Year Warranty for. the big things break, run out of juice and sit forgotten in the back of the basement.

but oh those little things. they make you feel alive. they make you feel important. they make you feel loved. they reside in the eyes of God Himself. they get under your skin. they make you cry. they make you feel pain you never thought existed.

that is what the little things can do to you.

remember remember remember oh please remember the little things.


p.s. to the mr postman: i cannot help you i cannot make it go away, the best i can do for you is feed you a corny five for fighting song lyric ("when nothing's left, everything is gained") and be just a phone call away.

somebody else.

once upon a time i did not care what i did. and once upon a time my actions didnt bother me as much as they should. i decided to forget the past and move forward. but now i find myself for a multitude of reasons dwelling upon them once again. and i hate the feeling i have inside right now and i hate that i have this feeling. there's nothing i can do to change things now, but it doesn't make it bite less.

youll never be younger than today
tomorrows yesterday
its never too late.

chances.

"The man who said

'I'd rather be lucky than good'

saw deeply into life.

People are often afraid to realize

how much of an impact luck plays.

There are moments in a tennis match

where the ball hits the top of the net,

and for a split second,

remains in mid-air.

With a litte luck,

the ball goes over,

and you win.

Or maybe it doesn't,

and you lose... "



with every action you take a chance. a chance of success or failure. you put yourself out there to be accepted or rejected. you do things that can change your life for the better or for the worse. detrimental things. amazing things. sometimes it goes beyond luck and becomes completely a matter of your own responsibility. you own yourself and everything you do. you make your bed and you lie in it. you check yourself into the hospital. you get the tests done. you worry about lies you make up in your head. you argue over things that never happened. you convince yourself someone feels a way they dont. you get scared. you psyche yourself out. all because with every action you take a chance. sometimes you fuck it up. hell most of the time i do fuck it up. but redemption is only as far as you let it be.

it takes someone giving you a chance before you can ever truly begin to turn it around.

i look at you, looking at me, now i know why they say the best things are free.

bittersweetness abounds my life right now. i'm so happy with the direction things are going. i have this amazing new person to share things with, but at the same time i'm so unhappy with the way things are up here in the tennessee hills. it takes a weekend such as this one to bring it all back again. an empty dorm room. another daunting color theory assignment. a freezer full of lean cuisines. its only natural for this combination of things to make a girl want to scream.

face it ladies and gents, i am officially itching.

well maybe not greg-style itching, but maybe just a little bit, i am a redhead after all.

but i'm itching to get out of here. this year is most likely already shot to hell as far as making new friends and such is concerned, and i'm already so excited about what the summer is sure to bring i just can't wait to get out of here.

i just keep finding myself between two extreme groups of people: the extremely bad and the extremely good. i do not want to go to clubs. i do not want to go to frat houses. its just not my thing, never has been. and i think i can live the rest of my life totally fine without changing that. then there's the extremely good: they don't do any of those clubbing or party things, but they are often very immature. if watching disney movies and laughing at corny awkward jokes is your thing, then this group is perfect for you, but it doesn't seem to be the case for me.

where did all the normal people go?

i said i'd go to school here and get my kicks in the ATL and it seems now more than ever before that is what i'm doing. and i can deal with that.

but on a weekend like this, man is it hard.

one week from this wednesday i will make the fantastic journey down 75. back into his arms. and back to him and all the others who actually get me.

let the countdown begin.

it's 1pm, i just woke up and i'm eating a chicken salad sandwich.

It's been almost a week since i've written once again. for once things have been happening in my life. sure, i still spend more than my share of time sitting in this desk chair on facebook, but i've also been out doing things, and that is an exciting thing. i've been experiencing some things, some emotions, that i never really believed could exist for me. i've been making dreams come true, for myself and others. but i suppose the greatest reason why i havent written is that for once i was a little scared to write about everything that was going on in my heart, my mind, my body, my life on this. i've never really been scared to put anything else up here before, but this almost feels like an invasion of privacy to me. but it is what it is and what it is is two people taking a chance at something both have recognized for years. passing this up would be foolish of me. it's about damn time.

ive run the gammut of emotion lately, but i suppose my two grandest emotions are happiness and fear. i have the butterflies. this is new. the butterflies haven't been around in a very very long time. the happiness part, this is how it should be. there's also an enormous sense of fear. fear that i will fuck probably one of the few things that actually means something to me in the grandest scheme of things up. i'm pretty good at doing that and i'm all too afraid i'll use my expertise in that area once again.

but it is too late for all of that now. i jumped off the bridge. i took my chance. and i hope that we both can be reeping the rewards of that chance for a long long time.

sidenote: sharing a bed > sleeping alone (to an infinite degree)

let us begin.

I’ve been thinking, take me now, I’m in too far
Can’t stop feeling, doesn’t matter who you are
This could be my last goodbye
You could stay, I’ll be alright
I’ve been thinking, take me now, I’m in too far

If I might say, all of this seems to float away from...
Your lips when they’re kissing me, and your hips when leaving me for
The last time, I’m thinking of the first time, ohh
The first time, I’m thinking of the last time
Play it back, it’s going over and over

I left the Well today to return back to my cage of educational wellness up in the Knox. im sure you all have missed me very very much, but im now back with tons of pictures. the past week and half has been nothing short of amazing, all i could have hoped for and then some. between seeing my family and sleeping in my own bed and meeting back up with friends, some i havent seen in months, and going to charleston with two of my main ladies and growing closer to someone who is very important to me it was just more than i could have asked for. for me the home life is where its at right now. ut is great for learning and my daily life is decent, but i dont enjoy myself here like i do when at home when im surrounded by all those wonderful people. needless to say i was sad to go, and i hate feeling like as soon as im back up here im just counting the days till i can go back again, but its kinda how i feel at this point. i think its time i stopped apologizing for it and feeling bad about it and just accepted it as how my life is.

and at the end of the day life is wonderful.

what did i do over spring break? lemme give you a quick rundown:

-ate thai food for the first real time
-got drunk off one glass of wine
-got me some new spectacles
-met the fam
-hung out with brian mccarn in his natural habitat
-chilled at haigwood studios, as always
-had to explain myself to anthony
-got stuck in the botanical gardens after being stared at there for like two hours
-spent 115 dollars on a pair of jeans
-helped a bird eat a meal
-photographed the botanical gardens with jbomb
-rode the tech trolley!
-raqualette! (nothing more to say there)
-ate at fancy restaurants
-wished i lived at del webb active living for active adults
-went to cookie time
-toured columbia, south carolina
-saw heathers beautiful prom dress
-got lost on the way to showcase (but for once we found our way haha)
-lost boggle to amanda
-mailed in my first set of taxes
-dance partied in the hotel room
-got stared down by the men of charleston
-got some action

so with all these memories and a steady diet of train, acceptance, tahiti 80 and keane i trudged my way back up 75. this last stretch should go by quickly, but that wont mean that it will be easy. its going to be at least two more weeks before i get to return to the well and after that three weeks. then one more week and im home free. but it will be a stressful journey. not to mention that with the new strings i have attached to home, away is probably the last place ill want to be. but if i can get through this i know it will make the latter days even better and more meaningful. its going to be worth it.

for now i will float on a cloud through the pile of shit i have to do until midweek when i get my lighter classes and a delicious surprise.

but i went to bed at five this morning and ive got a sketchbook due at 1230 tomorrow. so i should get on that. toodles!

delicious surprise

calm down kids the name of this entry is also the title of a song. hah.

i am home and have been since wednesday evening which is why i haven't written because for once in my life i have something more important to do than be on facebook and the world wide web all the time. i can't say i've done too many remarkable things in the time i've been home, but i have enjoyed every second of it. from chilling with my mom in my bed half the day, to running in coldstone with the weird manager boy right before they closed, to chattin it up with heather today, to just driving around my home town and knowing where everything is, and let's not even think about skipping over the amazing afternoon/evening i had yesterday.

and hopefully it only gets better from here on out. im leaving tomorrow for charleston for a few days with two of my best friends. im sure we'll spend the bulk of the time eating things no proper diet would allow for, listening to rediculous music, getting crazy in the hotel room, walking the streets, shopping, and of course discussing male anatomy in ways no one ever has or should (in public places nontheless). then after that i'll return to the well to spend more time with my family which i have found i love so much and to see friends including but not limited to the loverly amanda henleben! i promise i will have no desire to go back to ut haha.

so as for yesterday, what is there to say. simply put, happiness. certainly a great deal of worry and nervousness, anxiousness. theres also always a sense of fear about these kinds of things, that maybe what youre gaining is not equivalent to or greater than what you're risking losing, but somewhere along the line you have to go with your gut and ultimately i just had a wonderful time. i can't say ive ever felt this way before and knowing that theres a chance i might not be dreaming or making something up in my head, that there's a chance it might be real is crazy to me. when you live with the thought of something, the dream of having something, the aspiration of something happening to you, when it actually does it is completely unreal.i feel like i dont deserve so much, i dont deserve this goodness to happen to me. but someone out there must think i do, and im thankful about that. this is something i've been dreaming about for a long time.

so i suppose this is toodles from roswell. haven't totally decided whether or not the old macintosh is gonna come with me for the trip but i'm thinkin i'm not so sure i trust hotel rooms so that's gonna be a no. i'm sure no one will miss me as ya'll are all out frolicking in the sand and getting extremely wasted. or sitting around at home. or going to class. one of the three.

I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

rejection.

an artists life is not an easy one. especially when the artist constantly questions whehter or not she is good enough to consider herself so. its a constant battle within, always questioning yourself and your abilities and trying to prove yourself to yourself. art is so subjective. its not like law where you pass this huge test and in doing so prove that you have what it takes to be a lawyer. theres no such test in art. all youve got is yourself and the little pieces of opinions you allow to trickle down into your mind. thats all you have to validate yourself.

ive been bored with myself and frustrated for probably the last nine months. i havent been excited about anything ive done. i read books i left town i watched movies i tried to gain that perspective that inspiration i needed to move forward. ive felt numb and dissappointed in myself and i feel there will be a turning point, but im just waiting and i dont know when it will be. i keep thinking "this is it, this is my break" and then it falls right through the cracks just like everything else. im so bored with myself and my ideas and my style. this isnt about one missed job opportunity, one bad show, one negative critique. this is about me being unhappy with myself and unable to remedy it. this is about me questioning whether im an artist or just a creative person. this is about me wondering if i just take good photographs or if theres something different about me. something that sets me apart from all the rest. something that makes me remarkable.

i think its time to get away from the knox. time to forget about being an artist or a student or whatever i am today and just relax a bit. take in all i can before the reality of the rest of the semester and my semicharmed life here sets in. spring break here i come, im so glad youve arrived i need you.

hopefully interesting events to follow.

ill keep you informed.

maybe we should start touching each other.

this weekend was good. much more eventful than most weekends here at the lovely university of tennessee. first friday in downtown knox. tomato heads. the flea market with all the Jesus nascar goodness. vintage shopping in the old city. running around the park in the wind. the fraternity boxing challenge. getting pushed over by drunk greeks. yelling over the band at the downtown brewery. being really cold. wondering if helen was alive. it was all good. im really glad i have friends who are willing to make the long trip up. it was nice to have a true break rather than just a typical weekend here in the tennessee hills.

i suppose my least favorite aspect of having people visit me is the in-your-face realization that i am not leading the most successful life ever here. when people from your past come around again, you want to show them how much you love your new life and how successful you are and how many friends you have, but i cant do that. i have a few people here i can really count on and call up whenever and hang out with all the time and the rest are just acquaintances. its not something i ever forget about, my inability to make tons of cool new awesome friends here and have crazy times here. believe me, its something ive struggled with for the past six months. i beat myself up on a daily basis about how i wish things were different, but i dont have it in me anymore. i cant beat myself up over it anymore and i dont need someone telling me how i should be doing things differently. i can promise you there are only a few of my friends who are truly in my situation, actually i can only name one.

so i dont appreciate being told how i need to try and i need to fix it and i need to do better. i know. i know i know i know i know i know. but you, YOU do not understand. and you cant understand unless you were put in my place. i know if you read through this thing it looks like im caving on an almost daily basis, but all things considered, ive been strong.

i apologize for the rant, its kind of unwarranted and borderline inappropriate, but i just dont want to hear anymore about how successful everyone else is and how im the only girl in the world who cant seem to get this thing right. there is no right. theres no one correct answer. its different for everyone.

so ill eat my food in my room because im not going to eat quiche that looks like leaky scrambled eggs and spinach soup that is stringy and reminiscent of bile.

im sorry. this has been mean and unexpected. but it upsets me when i have this thrown in my face when i already throw it in my own face. i dont need the sound of the siren in my head to be amplified any more than it already is. i know.

but i suppose if i have to live from class to class and thrive off of my weekly greys anatomy group and the occasional dinner with friends and live for the weekends that never really come until those days when i jump in my car and leave this state homeward bound, then that is what i will do. because that is what people do. they deal. this is what you have done in your life and it is what i will do in mine. the results have been and will be different and will surmise and different times.


but who the hell cares?

awkward.

haha so so true. i believe i am the awkward turtle.

so this is the time of year when i get completely disinterested in school and start doing things like spending an hour staring at my computer screen without navigating to a new page, shopping for things i dont need, spending hours taking retarded online quizzes and of course eating cookies. so heres my quiz results today, the sleeping position quiz:

Find your own pose!

So apparently im a social butterfly in need of refuge from my many many social endeavors. ha.

i tried on a pair of sevens today. they were 220 dollars. what kind of price should one put on making ones ass look relatively decent? i am not sure, but im pretty sure it is less than 220 dollars. jeans are frustrating. maybe tomorrow ill wake up with the body of giselle and i can just walk around naked all the time. id be down.

the 305 is restless. we're all looking for change. i dont think anyones completely prepared for summer, weve got a lot of work to do before then, but were ready for something. i spent a good part of the day vaccuuming and cleaning off surfaces and washing things and scrubbing all because this box is really getting to me. how sweet it will be to have a room to myself once again.

i bought some luggage today. if nothing else ive said here today has given any indication, im pretty ready to get out of here.

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died