2/26/2006 10:11pm

You can say what you want, and i'll be the first to admit ive said some things in the past, but granville is the man.

Our swim team banquet was tonight, thus bringing an official final close to my career as a swimmer. Its sad b/c this is kinda the beginning of the end of high school for me, my first high school thing that has ended and won't ever come back.

I love rhs swimming though. I mean the morning practices suck, esp toward the end of the season when its 19 degrees outside and all you want to do is finish the season and sleep in, but the rest of it is great. The team is made up of some of the most mix-matched weirdest people in the school, who would never ordinarily hang out together, but are somehow bound to each other by the stench of chlorine and the innate urge to be a fish, though physically impossible. My theory is the swim team at roswell is made up of those who really truly can swim (ie: amanda) and the rest is a bunch of people who dont fit in anywhere else and figure they can at least survive in the water, even though they may suck at swimming. All i know is this: only at roswell high school can you be pretty much the worst swimmer on the team and be captain. i've come very far though, and im proud of myself...not many people can say they made it through four years of long cold morning practices, the wrath of granville, dangerous bus rides, and sketchy chemical levels and foreign materials in the pool water. plus i have swimming to thank for my bodacious upper back muscles of which i am very proud. i'm not an athlete. i never thought id do a sport. i never thought id be doing a twenty-lap race competitively on a regular basis and not completely sucking at it. sometimes just trying is enough.

i know when i look back on the team im just gonna have to laugh. i was never a good swimmer, so i prob wont remember any of the actual competitive aspects of the sport, but all the rest, i will remember, and i will have no choice but to laugh.

"and when i see you

i really see you upside down

but my brain knows better

it picks you up and turns you around

turns you around

turns you around."

2/21/06 10:26 pm

When i came home today there was a stack of mail from each of the colleges to which i have been accepted. mostly propoganda trying to convince me why their institution is "on the wave of the future" with the "finest facilities" and etcetera etcetera etcetera, then they give me a school sticker so i can make sure to spread the love all over my car bumper, locker, notebook or mirror.

Should i be freaking out that i have no idea where i'm going in 6 months? this may be the first time in my life i have not completely planned out everything neatly in a row. i think i may be slowly but surely getting semi-over that whole orderly, crazy tidy living kinda thing, seeing as how right now i am the most disorganized mess of a person ever...

One thing that occured to me over the weekend when talking to a friend of mine, who i believe has pretty much dabbled in almost every kind of profession: i have the right to change my mind. i think i forget that a lot. she suggested i go to school, get out, do what i want, reevaluate, do what i want next, then what i want next, then what i want next. she says you gotta change it up every now and then: keeps things interesting.

i say she's got a good idea going.

2/20/06 10:58 pm
Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a peace of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe believe in me believe
That life can change that youre not stuck in vain
Were not the same were different tonight
Tonight so bright tonight

Last year i had ms foss for phsyics. that was one large woman. everyday she had what she called an "essential question" that she put on the board, and hopefully by the end of the class we would be able to answer it with all the stock-piled chunks of information she threw at us during the period.

My essential question is this: What do i deserve? this weekend was a long weekend and i didnt go on the ski trip so of course i had too much time to think. but it is something i struggle with. i mean, do i deserve better than what i have? i kinda dont think so, but a lot of other people do. am i putting time and energy into things and relationships that are just going to be a waste of time? where do i go from here?

i guess my main concern is that i'd like to know what its like to truly not be alone for once. i want to walk beside someone and have it be true, genuine, and real, not some f-ed up mind game or some surface-scraping rendevous. prob is, i dont know if that kind of thing is out there for me to find, and if it is, whether or not i am deserving of it...im far from a saint.

i also decided that senioritis has symptoms that reach beyond just procrastination, school-skipping, and lack of caring. it also includes random epiphanies of the fact that we are about to embark on something insanely new and leave all the rest in the dust. it also includes angie in july running around like shes scared as hell and probably not acting like herself as a result. i mean its getting pretty bad. you can say o my gosh in a few months this will be over as much as you want, but its the random times, like the other night when i was listening to "tonight tonight" (see lyrics above) and just started really thinking about it, i mean really thinking...it just freaks me out.

new days resolutions:

+focus

+ do my own thing

+be myself

+lay off the dang chocolate chip cookies

2/14/2006 3:37pm

Oh another Valentine's Day. every year i say, "Angie, next year will be different and you wont be alone on VDay." then the next year is the same as the last, and the same as the year before that and the year before that. there was always that reassurance that surely, most surely, i would not be alone senior year. yeah about that.....

But no worries, because my chocolate fortune says tonight will be a lucky night, im pumped. unfortunately i think the greatest luck i will receieve is the possibility of a decent night's sleep despite the aircraft carrier of a heater that makes an insane amount of noise in the room where i am staying right now. do i sound a little bitter? i dont mean to be, but its just so gosh darn easy to do.

Some people argue that VDay is a commercial holiday made up to amplify greeting card companies' profits. i would agree, but there are other noncommercial ways to show your love on this special holiday, too bad those ways dont get you very far in the a$$ department. haha. besides, if i were to say that Vday is a commercial holiday it would just make me sound like a bitter angry woman who is just jealous that she has no one to buy her all these lovely things...oh wait, i think this entire blog has already made me appear that way anyway...well on that note: "Valentines Day is a commercial holiday" there i said it, and you think im bitter...no news here...haha.

The truth is the whole thing is kind of nice. its cute to see all the little couples in the hall doing nice things for each other and such, theres nothing wrong with a few flowers and a card, and as anyone can tell you, i firmly believe that chocolate can solve all major global issues, so that certainly cant hurt either.

As for me, im just ready for my long weekend. i want to live at home again, i want to be done with yearbook junkola, and i want to go to the gymmmmm. i think this weekend i will workout, rent fight club, take a ton of pictures, and bask in the solitude of the belguim chocolates my dad just brought back.

2/12/2006 11:48 am
I'm pretty much freaking out right now. I've been sitting at my computer for over 2 hours now with only one paragraph and not a lot of direction as far as my character analysis paper for college english goes. im freaking out. i have the worst writers block ever, i can barely formulate full sentences, much less scholarly ones.

I wise person once told me writers block is the product of something else being in the way in your brain so the important thoughts cant get out. so maybe i should clear the way for the literary analysis to get through. and that, i think i will do, so here goes:

to my friends:

1. i know whats going on

2. i can handle it i promise

3. stop treating me like im a retarded 4 year old

i'm so sick of this act everyone is trying to pull off. i feel like i've never been treated with the respect i deserve from my friends and apparently never will be. its so stupid how everyone tiptoes around me and keeps secrets from me about things that aren't important...do you realize how stupid and small that makes me feel? dont get mad if i dont let you into my life, because you never made the effort to be a part of it before, and you dont even have the courtesy to let me into yours so why should i return the favor? i dont think anyone else understands what it is like to have everyone treating you like you are the weirdest person in the world. yall have made me so unsure of myself in ways i thought i never would be. now i dont know whats normal and what isnt and if i am normal or not because even if you're pretty sure of who you are, when everyone else is treating you otherwise it makes you question things. is this the way friendship is supposed to be? people treating each other like insignificant pieces of trash? i wish someone could just tell me everythings ok and everything will be different from now on, but thats not how it is. i will never be respected, so i should just get used to it i guess.

sorry for the alanis-style rant, maybe that will cure my block.

2/10/06 11:14 pm

This week went by pretty fast. State meet was yesterday. we were certainly even hotter in the water if i do say so myself, however despite the fact that i missed an entire day of school to go to the meet, the closest i got to water was the bottle of Dasani i downed at lunch.

Check me out, i got my hair cut. w00t. i told her to do whatever she wanted, in hopes that she might just wack it all off, yet still make it look cool, but no dice...it pretty much looks the same, but that's ok, i always feel like a little bit of a new person after a haircut.

So pretty much im having one of those "hello my name is insecurity kinda days", i pretty much feel disgusted with myself, mirrors are not really my friend.

We had Ash's bday party tonight. Japanese takeout was a good choice. Yummm too much food.

Sooo i decided, after much lecturing from a friend yesterday, that maybe its time to turn over a kind of new leaf so to speak, or at least approach my life as it is now with a new outlook. i am currently lacking one really big thing: focus. I have been so off in my own little world not really getting anything done and not really holding on to the relationships that are truly important to me. focus angie, focus. time to get out there and do what you're supposed to do and be who you're supposed to be. focus angie, focus. get your friends off your back, angie. if only you could be a little more normal and get someone in your life and be the best friend you could be and completely abandon who you are you'll be just fine, angie.
psh im frustrated

"and your heart will belong
to someone youve yet to meet
someday you will be loved"

2/1/2006 10:38 pm

I realized today for the first time ever something about myself. its weird when you suddenly see things about yourself that you never thought of before. the thing i realized is this: I LOVE to daydream. i find myself doing it way too much, especially with the recent onset of senioritis i've had, it helps pass the time. hey, my christmas card said "for a dreamer night is the only time of day" i guess that quote was right. gotta go think some more.

"my oh my you know it just dont stop
its in my mind i wanna tear it up
try to fight it
try to turn it off
but its not enough
takes a lot of love
takes a lot of love my friend
to keep your heart from freezin
to push until the end"

1/31/06 9:37 pm

YB Staff is indeed very hot, dont even lie because you too know this fact as I do.

Woww January is coming to a close. When i think about where i was at the beginning of this month (i recall my first main memory of 2006 being laying in the fetal position in robyn's hallway freezing to death on the phone) and see where i am now, at the end of the month, i feel like i am in two totally different places, as if i am in at least some way a different person.

I see it too. things are different with my friends now. i dont feel like our relationships are the same...its not bad, its not good, its just different. I feel like we never really talk to each other anymore, we're all just floating by and passing time. And time is passing soooo fast. Wow what a month. Fare the well January, who knows where in the world i'll be sitting this time next year, but chances are i'll still be typing on this thing on the computer like a little redheaded nerd.

I already have an itinerary for when swimming is over. Eybrow wax, shave my legs, haircut. (Haha didnt realize until now that those are all forms of hair removal, you'd think thats what you'd do before swimming starts, but no it is very much the opposite at rhs) Maybe i'll throw in a pedicure too just for fun, its always nice to have those asian women barking at each other rub lotion all over your legs.

And of course on my itinerary this year is a well-thought out plan to spend a great deal of time at the gym. im pretty sure i gained weight during swimming which is not what you would expect but for some reason swimming makes me want to eat allllll theeeee tiiimmmmee. we'll see how that goes down.

This must be the most boring thing ever to read. however this is my life so as you can see, not much happens to me.

Oh yeah, on the way home from practice this morning (which always puts me in a great mood, btw) this bird flew over my car and poured out the entire contents of its intestines, stomach, bladder, and probably even brain onto my windshield. Good times. Felt like sharing that beautiful story.

"Maybe i'll go to the gym
so i dont get fat
are things more easy
with a tight six pack?
Who knows the answers?
who do you trust?
I cant even separate love from lust"

1/27/06 5:10 pm
That is how the grown up girls play dress up. (Sorry i was too lazy to make a filmstrip) Haha, i had a little bit too much fun with the turquiose eye shadow, but hey sometimes its fun to be different. Would i be conceited if i said i enjoy taking pictures of myself? Well regardless, i do because it presents a true challenge to be able to photograph something that you cannot see in the viewfinder in a technically and aesthetically effective way. i think i got some pretty provocative and beautiful lighting during this shoot, so i was pleased.
I hate weekends like this. No exciting plans really. i got stuff to do but nothing i really really want to do. Oh well maybe something will come up. tonight i have the pasta party for metros and then hopefully something interesting after that. if not, it could be sleepytown or borders for me. we shall see we shall see!

1/23/06 10:38











[a pic from when i felt pretty]

AAAAAAAAARGGGGG. i cant wait for swim team to be over so i can be put out of my agony and resume a normal healthy life. hmm probably not something the spirited team captain should be saying huh?

1/21/2006 1:29 pm

Haha the above would be Chamaeleon. What? You didn't know i was in a band? Oh yes i'm an accomplished musician.

More like i'm "with the band". But don't get me confused with a groupie. That I am not.

School House Rock was awesome last night. The bands this year were all really good with the exception of Fluffy Fuzzy Weirdos or whatever the heck their name was. Since I'm closer to Chamaeleon, i am of course a little partial to them, but i think they did an amazing job, and the crowd was slightly larger than that of their last show i attended. Then there was The Angees. I just have to keep wondering about where that name came from. I guess i'd like to flatter myself and keep thinking it has something to do with me.

I love going to SHR and other things like that b/c i think it is really interesting to see how talented people really are. Everybody can do something well and i think its cool to see that guy in your math class who never talks screaming his lungs out on stage. Plus, musicians are hot in and of themselves, i know you agree with me, i dont care who you are.

Soooo lets hope i can make it through the next little while without killing myself seeing as how between giving myself a concusion at the swim meet on thursday and almost taking off my leg on a chair last night there's gotta be a lot of serious internal bleeding going on. I shall plod onward.

"Now we say goodnight

from our own separate sides

like brothers on a hotel bed."

Haha i love this candy wrapper wisdome. makes me wanna eat more chocolate, as if i needed a reason. ooohhhhh temptation how you elude me on a regular basis. dont eat that apple, Eve, its not a good idea.
1/18/2006 10:24 pm

It never ceases to amaze me how much clay helps make me happy. im thinking about permanently keeping hunk of it in my bag to pull out and work with whenever i'm in a funk. makes me forget about everything. its dirt. its crazay.

No practice tomorrow! im stoked. im kinda over the whole swimming season right now which is horrible b/c im a team captain. but, i am NOT an athlete by any means and i'm pretty sick of getting up so early and getting in cold agua. meet tomorrow we get out of school early, works for me.

Battle of the bands on friday. im excited cause i get to take pix of something interesting and i think it will be a really good show this year. yay!

1/17/2006 9:38pm

So today was kinda a really gross rainy day, and to top it all off we got the privelage of returning to good ole rhs after a long weekend. oh my. last night i had a dream that i was on a plane with my mom to hawaii and we were flying through the clouds but it just looked like a road covered in a lot of water and there were cars whizzing by too. I think if i had this dream analyzed they would probably tell me i have a mental disorder of some kind. so i won't. haha

I also started my internship at Haigwood Studios today. I think its gonna be a lot of fun. Today i watched one of the photographers shoot some kid's golf equipment and clothing for a catalog. he had to steam the shirts to make them perfect looking. it wasnt very exciting. but thats ok i love photography in all forms. sarah r's mom is convinced that this studio is just like hollywood and they might try to "take advantage of me." I sure hope not i dont think that would happen, but nothing is impossible. i'm sure ms. colvin would understand if i carried a tazer gun to internship. no tolerance policy does not apply when you're in the photography studio, right?

P.S. Yearbook suxxxx

Oh come on, you think this is the best
pic ever, admit it. I do home shows, you know
give me a call.
1/15/2006 12:07 am
Hmmm not much happenend today. Went to breakfast w/ artner to make project plans. Who eats a burrito at 10 in the morning honestly? I guess i can name one person. It seems as though all is well between us now and i like that b/c we have fun together.

So to answer a few common questions i've had this week:
-no i am not on drugs never have been and don't plan on being, i can barely handle cough syrup let alone heavy narcotics an barbituates.
-no i am not depressed. from this blog some might think i am which is understandable. i think we all have our crazy moments its just a matter of how good a grasp we have of those times and whether or not we have enough gusto to put that up on the internet for the faithful readers to see.
-i am not actually truly pissed off (most of the time). if i was really pissed off, believe me you and everyone in the world would know and there would be no question as to my anger.
-for the most part everything is ok. i'm not sick (but i'm not well, haha sorry inside joke with robo) and apparently i look like crap but that's just me there's no real reason for that.

So there, i have single-handedly cleared up some common statements about me i have run into this week. Sorry for the confusion, i'm a complex mind i know. Haha!
Later faithful readers!

1/14/2006 12:58am
Well we know there's at least one person out there who was looing foward to this. As promised, Clemson pix. Only my fellow LaLas and myself would turn down an opportunity to sneak out of the hotel room and go to the ever-sketchy Fatz Cafe to dance around and take insane amounts of pictures in the room. What can i say? We're just a little bit awesome.

Possible future Clemson students in front of Tift Hall
admit it, you know you'd want to go to war with this
country any day of the week.


1/13/2006 6:20 pm

Ooh friday the 13th scary, not to mention last night i stayed in room 213. the weather was insane today, it rained while it was sunny, the wind blew in all directions, my car got hit by at least 2 and a half million tree branches on the way home, and the there's this supposed rainbow over my house telling me everything's gonna be ok. Oh goodness.

So the Clemson trip was definitely a lot of fun, certainly worth missing a day at good ole rhs. Here are some reasons why I, your fabulous correspondent, and you, the magnificent reader, should consider attending the fine institution of Clemson University for your post-secondary education:
1. The Clemson tiger mascot is VERY friendly, particularly with redheads who attend women's basketball games and make positive comments on the tiger's New Balance tennis shoes.
2. Clemson ice cream. The Food Science department makes their own ice cream and sells it on campus. Man i wish i had a picture. the ice cream is amaaaaaaazing, not to mention i got the biggest-assed double chocolate chip waffle cone and it set me back a startling 62 cents. ILOVECOLLEGE.
3. Tift Hall's bell. I have no idea how often it plays but someone today must have felt the need to have a serious jam session on the bells and it was nothing short of incredible. Cmon, when was the last time you heard "Bohemian Rapsody" played from a clock tower?
4. !Ashley's mom will come with you!

I mean those are just four of the many reasons. As for me, i was hoping this trip would help me decide once and for all where i wanted to go, or at least rank my choices. Truth is, i'm just as confused now as when i left.

The downside of the trip: having to sit in between ash and jen in the backseat for over 2 hours each way. i'm not knocking them at all, it was just a generally uncomfortable situation.

The upside of the trip: having our own hotel room for once. Muchos gracias to ashley for taking care of business in her parents' room. Yes there was a very loud mexi-party supply truck that woke us up in the middle of the night, and yes there was a "damn" funeral party getting ready to go to Wal-Mart (which was conveniently located across the street, by the way) but we had some majorly dorky good times in the room. Curious? Don't despair, dear reader, i will surely have pix of this fabulous occurrence in the near future.

Until then, I'm going to call some random people who won't be expecting me to call them tonight and try to find something to do. Because, despite my efforts all 20 things i could have done tonight fell through and now here i sit on my computer. Don't worry, i'm resourceful.

1/11/2006 9:36pm

Its dirty, gets underneath your fingernails, dries out your skin, and can be dangerous to your health. So why do I like it so much? Haha i'm talking about my own personal therapy: no not drugs, sex or alcohol, but clay. Yes i am a dork, but you have to give me credit, i'm a creative dork. My clay class started back up again after an over-month long hiatus which almost killed me as u could probably tell from previous posts. I don't know why clay does it for me, but its really relaxing unlike anything else in my life. Tonight i didn't really work though cause i spent most of the time sketching my thoughts as they are so jumbled and crazy i knew i couldn't be of any productive value to myself this evening. Is it a little weird that i seek solace in dirt? Probably. But i'm gonna keep saying it until someone believes me, i never said i was normal. But you love my abnormal self, i'm more interesting that way....admit it you do....

i had my internship interview with Haigwood Studios today. I'm so excited b/c they told me i can take pictures and use their lights, cameras, and equipment whenever i want and they said i could bring in friends to take pix too. So hey everybody come on down! PLUS, i get to go to weddings i wasn't invited to and eat the food. and my supervisor's kinda cute. Looks like i'm good to go this semester, yaya!

SO tomorrrow i embark with ash and jen on a journey to the far away boonytown of clemson, south carolina. w00t! I'm just glad to get out of roswell and hopefully have a fun night. i hope that this visit will give me the gut feeling i need to at least rank my choice of colleges, if not choose one. I'm ready to decide so when all the adults ask me where i'm going i can just say something straight up. Why do adults always ask you what your entire life is gonna be like? Do they honestly think you've figured it out? Have THEY even figured out their own lives? Oooh thats a good one i'm gonna use that on the next adult that asks....oh well basically my college visit means that you faithfull readers will not be able to hear from me until quite possibly Friday night! Oh the horror!
Well I guess i will talk to my lovely audience again on friday.
Miss me mucho, i'm just a red flash in your rear view mirror.

1/9/2006 10:19 pm

"its the beginning of the end" -amanda henleben (see babe i quoted you, not that you or anyone else is reading this right now)

We're over the hump i feel like i've practically graduated. scariness all around. i don't know how i feel about this, but i've decided i should just feel nothing about this until the time comes. just enjoy this while its here. thats whats important.

Meanwhile, Dark Angie seems to be retreating slowly but surely, and I hope i won't see her for a very long time. When i think about it, i've got a beautiful semester ahead and i cant wait to get going and hang out with all the new people i've met recently, meet new people, go crazy (in a good way this time), get the high school experience, repair ties with friends, "fuck the man", and of course take TONS of pictures. this is it, one last hoorah and i plan on it being a hoorah for sure.

Going back to school today surely sucked, but it was good for me. too much time at home is bad for the soul kelley always says. i feel energized now for some reason even though in reality i am quite tired. apparently i am bitter. but i am a redhead, and i am allowed to be that way when i get hurt, i mean cmon at least give me like a two-week bitchy window or something. i'm still scared of what's going to happen, i know what i've lost and i hope it all comes back to me. i'm still wary and protective of myself, but i'm getting there.

"I'm an idealist. I don't know where i'm going but i'm on the way."
Look at 06 i'm back!

1/8/2006 9:16 pm
All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is
but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch
and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

I get this sinking feeling, that i've been due for a nervous breakdown for awhile, and now my time has finally come. Not a serious one, but at the same time, this baby is not gonna be a little doozy either. My frustrations with myself and not wanting to be the perfect kid and the angie everyone expects me to be coupled with the drama mamas my friends are being and the up and down emotional roller coaster i have been on with my artner lately have begun to take their toll on me.

I remember when my grandfather died. I was in the fourth grade. Sure i was sad, and i cried just like everyone else. The whole thing was very hard on my mom b/c she was really close to her dad, so i tried to be strong for her. I remember one day a few days after it all happened, we were walking somewhere and she looked down at me and said, "you know angie, you have handled all of this very well, and you're holding up much better than i am. you are a very strong girl."
I guess i have always considered myself to be a strong person. at least outwardly. i have a lot going on inside me that most people never see because it stays neatly tucked away inside where it belongs, no need to get all messy and emotional, right? the problem with keeping it all inside is now i feel like i'm going crazy or something. and all of my thoughts on everything that's going on with me right now are getting jumbled up and it makes me unsure as to what i should be thinking anymore. i'm so scared of whatever happens next. yay second semester here i come with bells on.

1/8/2006 12:35pm

You know this story:
You're driving around town and you see a possum dead on the road. Yay. Roadkill. Pretty sick. You keep driving and think to yourself "Another one bites the dust. RIP little man." Later in the day you come back to that same spot and Mr. Possum has been hit a few times more, now there's a grand display of red oozy goodness all over the pavement that makes you want to concentrate on the road ahead, but at the same time you can't help but be a spectator and steal a glance. Finally, you drive by at the end of the day, and Mr. Possum has been reduced to a sickening red stain on the pavement, dotted with pieces of broken flesh and organ. He was alive 12 hours ago, and now he is just another disgust on your commute.

I am that possum. Whenever i get hit, i don't just get hit once. I get pounded into the pavement until there's not much left to look at.

The other day i was freaking out about how i can't continue my life the way it is anymore, trying to be perfect all the time and be everything everyone wants me to be. But now i'm not so sure who i want to be anymore, and i don't know where i'm headed. i'm so confused.

When everything is a certain way and its comfortable and its good you grow it love it. And it hurts so bad to find out that it really wasn't at all what you thought it was. I wish i could go back a month and live this all over again. i would have done more. i would have gone out. i would have stopped during those grand moments and really examined them for what they were worth. i would have soaked myself in the happiness and really cherished it while it was there. i'm so emo.

i'm scared now. school starts tomorrow and this is not how i had hoped to start my second semester. i thought it was going to be so good, but now i'm so confused and i don't know where to go or what to do. i've got supportive friends all around, but until everything is okay with one friend, i'm going to feel very alone.

I want everything to be ok. I want to be ok. I don't know when the last time i was really truly fully happy was, but i want to be happy again.

1/7/2006 11:36 am

It came back again last night. I hate it. It always builds up and then rears its ugly head at the worst of times. Amanda calls it "Dark Angie", basically the sum of my insecurities and mental issues. So whatever jumble that follows this, take with a grain of salt, its mainly a stream of conciousness that might not even be in english, and you are after all dealing with a crazy woman.

To all my friends, why can't u just leave me alone? Would it be so bad if something in my life changed? If i was maybe just a tad bit different than what you thought? Sometimes i get tired of being the one who hears about everyone else's fabulous lives but isn't allowed to have one of her own. I know i'm naive and inexperienced, but did you ever stop to think for once that just maybe i know something you don't, that maybe that's why i'm so different? That i am not willing to just accept whatever comes my way, i want a glorious experience in all aspects, and if that's too much to ask, then i guess i never considered myself a low maintenence individual. I'm not asking anyone to bow down and worship me or anything, i'm just saying i need people to be ok with me, and if u can't do that then honestly get the hell away from me, i don't need false allies and two-faced liars around. What i do need is people who will love me.

I don't allow myself to feel. Feeling is bad. Feeling is when you get hurt. If you can just go through your days like an iron wall everything will be okay and you won't have any problems, right? Wrong. I'm sooo tirrreed of just locking myself up from all the world has to offer me b/c i'm afraid. I frustrate myself so damn much sometimes.

Feelings make you sad but feelings make you happy too. Now that i think about it, i'm not so sure i've been happy in a while. God, why do i have to be like this, why can't i just be normal and ok?

The bottom line is i am so tired of trying to be perfect and be everything for everyone i just want to scream.

This must be incredibly entertaining. Welcome to the Angie Show, its just like a bad Alanis Morresette song except less Canadian. Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Angie Watson, here it is, i can't believe she'd put herself this far out here on the internet. Truth is, i don't know where to go or what to do anymore, i'm not so sure anyone understands whats going on and most of my friends are oblivious to most of whats going on in my life at any given time anyway. I try so haaaaarrrddd to be perfect, and i just can't anymore. I can't stay in this place b/c its just a vicious cycle that keeps coming back to haunt me, it alludes me always, and i just want it to go away for good.
me:

gusthewhale: u don't even know the half of it
gusthewhale: i'm dying
gusthewhale: i'm going insane
gusthewhale: i can't do this anymore
gusthewhale: i'm a wreck
gusthewhale: i've had this problem for so long
gusthewhale: and it just gets worse
gusthewhale: last week i thought i was losing my mind
gusthewhale: i can't be this way anymore
gusthewhale: perfect
gusthewhale: is not perfect
gusthewhale: and its not life
gusthewhale: and its not happy
theguitarsquall: say it with me angie
theguitarsquall: "im done with this shit"
theguitarsquall: "fuck this shit, im not being perfect anymore"
theguitarsquall: come on, say it angie
gusthewhale: i'm burning daylight
gusthewhale: i can't be this way anymore
gusthewhale: b/c i think too much
gusthewhale: and i don't have to be a bad kid
gusthewhale: but i can't be everybody's everything anymore
gusthewhale: i just want to be
gusthewhale: sometimes
gusthewhale: i wish
gusthewhale: that everyone would just leave me alone for a minute
gusthewhale: so i could just be ok
gusthewhale: this is me yousuf
gusthewhale: you want to know ginger the redhead
gusthewhale: this is her
gusthewhale: this is how she feels
theguitarsquall: and this is her at her finest
gusthewhale: this is her struggle

this is her struggle indeed. thank you for watching the Angie Show, feel free to return to your normal lives while she figures out what the hell she's supposed to do with hers, it should make for entertaining sequential episodes.

1/6/2006 8:53pm
What would we do without our friends, honestly?
Jenny Reeves says 'your parents are there to guide you but your friends take the journey with you' and she's pretty dang smart, so i'm gonna go with her on this one.
Today I took pix of RQ and Alex and RQ's totally awesome house. Everytime i go there i feel the strong urge to just sit down, relax, and stay awhile...however i don't really know RQ well enough to just be like 'hey wazzup i'm kinda just gonna hang out in your house and observe the world around me.'
The past few days have involved me doing a lot of things that involve evading authority and almost breaching illegality. Not such a good pattern, but an entertaining one. Last night Amanda and I scoured the aisles of Super-Ghetto Kroger and took pictures, all the while hiding from other customers, employees, beer guzzling college kids, and those freaky guys in the white Prism. Wow. Good times. My life is so amazing it astounds me sometimes.
Meanwhile for now i am concentrating on getting through Hostel, which i am for some reason going to see tonight, without vomiting, passing out, freaking out, crying, or going thru any kind of general hysteria. Wish me luck and say a prayer.

1/5/2006 6:34pm

Hot swimmers! Hot swimmers!
I went and took pictures at Heather's yesterday and despite her lack of sleep they are fabulous!!! She also did some pics of me of which i am very impressed (of her, not me) Man the past few days have been kinda crazy, although my definition of crazy probably refers to a much midler repertoire than most people's. It's been a lot of fun though. I have had the privelage of hanging out with a lot of people i might not ordinarily be able to hang out with, and its been awesome. I just DON'T want to go back to school. Even though its second semester senior year and its supposed to be fun, its still school which means swim practice and all the other junk that goes along with the institution. I feel better about my parents this week than last, maybe we all just needed to get away from each other a little, they seem to be getting off my back a little and realizing that i can deal with things myself.

I'm getting ready to just go for whatever the next few months have to offer me. Need I a ventilator to get through it, then that's just how its gonna have to be.

12/3/06 (woah its weird to write 06 now) 1:20 am

I spent much of today recovering from my late night last night, yes i did make it to practice on ONE hour of sleep. But the reason for my lack of sleep was genuine and totally worth it.

Tonight was basically stellar. Went to Adam's for football and hung out with some mad crazay cool people. Then i went out and did some stuff that is by true definition and nature quite strange, but tonight, it was quite lovely. Swung on some swings and got really dirty and wet, played blingo in strange places, looked at stars that weren't there, tried to dance but couldn't, ate a delicious cookie. In retrospect trying to type it out, it doesn't make much sense, but it made all the sense in the world to me, and it was great.

I realize things don't have to make sense to be beautiful. In fact everything's better off when its all a little strange.

In a word: w00t.
Lyrics of the day: I Will Follow You Into the Dark, Death Cab for Cutie
Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

1/2/2005 1:34 am

Why the poop am i up this late i have practice in the morning? Well i can think of one reason and its worth it.

New Years Resolutions:
-Go to the gym more (and actually really work out)
-Be more outgoing and meet new people
-Stay away from extreme senioritis (acute senioritis is totally ok)
-Be nicer to my parents
-Get an awesome cd collection
-Learn something new everyday and be open to those new things
-Be a genuine person who people want to be around
-Love more, participate in drama less
-Go creatively crazy
-Eat my veggies

There are more. I will probably not do any of these. It's cool. Thats what they're for.

12/31/2005 5:23 pm

It appears as though this will be my last entry of 2005. Farewell year, you seem awfully short now that i think about it, but this year i'm not gonna think about it too much.

As far as my new years plans, they are not too exciting, but better than just sitting around my house...i'm going for a razzling dazzlin good time at adam's for awhile and then over to robocop's for pizza and shrimp (?). Anyways, it should be just a good old fashioned relaxed time, that is unless someone else calls me and provides something else to do, either way i'm pretty agreeable.

So here's my toast to the last full calendar year of high school, you weren't particularly bad to me, but you could have been better, but you could have been a lot worse too. No complaints here. May 2006 be full of carpe diem-ing all around, good food, good friends, good jokes, good memories, and most of all l o v e.

12/30/2005 11:33pm

This is my YB06 friend alex. sounds bad but i never realized how truly hot she was until today when i took her picture. i mean i knew she was cute and all, but look at her, she's on fi-ya! The pix turned out nicely, which always makes me happy, and needless to say i'm doing much better today than i was yesterday, i just have these mood swings sometimes, plus the sun finally came back out today and it was incredibly warm which is an instant morale-booster for me.

I cant believe tomorrow is new years eve. it doesn't seem like its time to be 2006 yet. i'm not ready for this. no really, i'm not ready for this...i have nowhere to go and nothing to do for new years and i am absolutely refusing to stay at home and watch my parents doze off on the couch at 9:30 like i have done for the past 18 years.

I just want to have a good time and to ring in the new year with people who's company i can enjoy. i was holding out for a kiss at midnight, but it seems as though the closest i'll get to that will be some girl-on-girl action from one of my friends, if i'm fortunate enough even for that.

Beggars can't be choosers.

I'm excited for the rest of break cause i'm actually gonna have cool stuff going on...namely me and amanda going to the ghetto kroger late at night! I suppose sleep will be at a premium in the forthcoming days, so farewell to all my loyal readers (ha) and a happy and safe new year to you.

12/29/05 11:27 pm

DISCLAIMER: Please excuse any insanity you may see or have seen from me today, in recent times, or possibly ever, it seems i am not quite myself.

Man i don't know what my deal is. I think its just that being on break and not being too terribly busy the past few days has allowed me plenty of time to think to myself, and with me that is a recipe for a very dangerous situation. I have found myself being frustrated with the same thing over and over again for the past few years, often in different contexts, but always ultimately the same thing: I guess I feel like I've always gone out of my way to be a good kid, and sometimes being such a good kid almost makes me mad, because I'm pretty sure I've missed out on some awesome. Now of course I'm not saying I'm perfect, by NO means is that true, but I think my parents have gotten used to having a kid that strives to be as good and perfect as possible, and now that's really becoming an issue.

Am I trying to run the streets at night as a crack dealer in Steve Madden heals? No of course not. I'm just tired of all this hokieness. My folks tend to make a big deal of things that aren't actually a big deal (prob cause they are "sheltered" parents) so I know if I did anything out of the ordinary it would be a huge issue.

I don't think any of this actually makes any sense now that I've typed it out...thats prob part of the reason why I struggle with it so much, its so hard to grasp exactly what the problem is and honestly I think I'm prob just making something out of nothing.

I'm just so damn tired.

Then again, tomorrow I'll probably be fine.

Somebody slap me I'm a frickin emo kid.

12/29/05 12:46 am
Check out my pix today at the antique mall complete with my fancy smancy name tag with my cooler alter ego photographer supergirl "suburbanite" (she fights the mundaness of everyday life in surburbia by laughing at everything...its pretty awesome) I guess this is just another step in me working my way toward some kind of professionalism in my work, whatever that means.

Selma yesterday was as to be expected. My great aunt Ouieda kinda freaked me out with some VERY SCARILY accurate insight which I wont go into here and now. The trip was only for the day, but was seemed long, however it was redeemed by three things:
1. A gorgeous sunset over the Alabama River (whoever says that nature isn't the best color pallette is an idiot)
2. Due to the lack of industry or otherwise civilization (disputed only by a few car dealerships and the Super WalMart) I could actually see the stars... if you know anything about me you know I LOVE the moon and the stars
3. The FABULOUS music I had the great fortune of being able to listen to on the way there and back. (Mad props to my peeps Robocop and YoYoYousuf for that one)

Today I slept a lot b/c I got about 3 hours last night. It was a yucky day and therefore not good for much, except a short expedition to the antique mall for a photo op. Even puzzle night was kind of a wash, however it was redeemed by three things as well:
1. Amanda. Cmon you can't deny the girl is amazing. She is my girlcrush after all.
2. Chocolate chip cookies. They redeem everything.
3. The Notebook. Yes I have seen that movie too many times and yes it is the stereotypical love story, but I mean what a beautiful story! And Noah is looking prettay hott!

Hmmm I think I told myself I'd go to bed an hour ago. At this point i'm not quite sure.

I want to live
where soul meets body
and let the sun
wrap its arms around me
and bathe my skin
in water cool and cleansing
and feel what its like to be new
cause in my head
there's a greyhound station
where i send my thoughts
to far off destinations
so they may have a chance of finding a place
where they're far more suited
than here.

12/26/05 11:58 pm

So the pic above is basically a perfect descriptor of my friends and our relationship: insane losers we are, but we are slowly working our way towards normalcy and social acceptance. haha! Grrr tomorrow i have to go to selma, alabama for the day to visit with my relatives. this year my parents gave me the option of not going since "i'm 18 and can make my own decisions" but i feel bad for not going since i have no justification for doing so, soooo off i go to bama. the liscense plates in alabama say "the stars fell on alabama" (leave it to alabama to use lynard skynard lyrics on governmentally-issued vehicle ids...hey its okay for me to make fun of the state, cause i'm from there...kinda like how its okay for girls to call each other b*tches but not for guys to call them that) so anyways, i'm getting the impression that the stars did indeed fall ON alabama, as in they fell on top of the state leaving a path of too many "days gone by" and destruction. its a sad sight to witness. oh well. now if i could only get my parents to truly put into practice that whole "you're 18 you can make your own decisions" thing in all aspects of my life....

Lyrics of the day:

its good to be in love

and really thats so true

just like everything

im happy you're in love

cause every color

goes where you do

-"Good to be in Love" Frou Frou (reminds me of this afternoon when I went a lightning-paced 10:31 mile on the treadmill-snaps for me!)

Another Christmas Comes to Pass

12/25/05 10:54 pm
Hello all, and a Merry Christmas to you! I love Christmas but at this point, it kinda makes me sad...its really just another reminder of the inevitable passage of time, it freaks me out to think about how this is my last true Christmas at home and how it seems like yesterday when I was sitting there thinking: "next year will be my last true Christmas at home." It also makes me sad to think back upon how exciting this time of year was when I was younger and how it isn't quite the same anymore, but then again I guess nothing really is. I'm coming to realize that I am inevitably an emo kid, no white belts or anything, but otherwise I'm all over it, I guess I will accept it and move on with my life : )
Soooo other than the fact that I am crazy emotional right now, I had a great Christmas at home w/ my parents and Coco (see us looking equally sexay in front of the tree above). I got a lot of camera equipment, which, if all goes well, I will be using a lot in the next few weeks!
Christmas is over so now I guess I can concentrate on not being a fat kid for two seconds and going to the gym! Haha! Well fair audience member(s?) I know this has been as entertaining for you as it has been for me, but apparently I have swim practice in the morning, so I must leave you for now. Miss me, I know you will.

Man what a day. Last night was the shindig which was kinda sad b/c its our last one but mostly sad b/c we are all a bunch of old women who enjoy knitting and going to bed at 9:30...if only Ash's room wasn't kept at a constant 50 degrees! I got up and went out to breakfast w/ my artner, which was insanely fun although i'm not really sure whyit was so amazing...sometimes people just need each other, and sometimes people just get each other, i guess. Went to the gym and pretended i was really killing myself although i'm quite sure i wasn't, oh well i guess i'll never achieve that lofty goal of becoming Miss Fitness Georgia. Went to Cairbou to mediate, didn't have to do much, my friends are gonna work this out, i know they will b/c they love each other too much not to. Went to secret santa party at sarah's...lots of food yuuummm, i love my presents, i love christmas b/c everyone is just so happy to be around and enjoy each other's company. Not to mention i have always loved sarah's house...simply put, a lovely evening.
I feel like I had a lot of stuff to do and a lot of loose ends to tie up before Christmas. Today was the day I did all that. I feel so much better now. I feel happy. Floating.
Song of the day (well I have two):
The Trapeze Swinger-Iron & Wine
Sparks-Coldplay
.gotta love it.