hmm these are by far some of the least attractive pictures of me ever, why i felt the need to put them up here is beyond me...too many toothpicks=insanity. why am i in art classes? i think im supposed to be like a business major or something more concrete like that. im not cut out for dropping eggs off of buildings and drawing abstract shapes in charcoal and being all cool and awesome like that.

im in that state of being certain i have no idea who i am or where im at. maybe im not a sororiety girl. maybe im not an artist. maybe im not a good girlfriend.

but robyn abree says take it day by day and if theres ever anything thats come out of that girls mouth that i can use it must be that. of course my favorite is the robyn-angry-at-the-male-race-angry phrases. those are surely the best. like: "hey everyone, i felt it and it was small" or "my boyfriend is like six different cultures and you're not you monocultural hormonal bastard"

i miss my mother fuckers in roswell

scuse the french i had to do it. sometimes it gets the point across.

what kind of world do you want?

what kind of world do you want?

what kind of world do you want
think anything
lets start at the start
build a masterpiece
be careful what you wish for
history starts now

after a long conversation with kelley last night, i am reminded that in life there are no guarantees, no shortcuts, and no ultimate answers. theres the way society says to do it, and then there are a million other ways to conduct your life. guess what, all roads lead to rome. you can get where you want to be in a variety of ways, there isnt one path to the end that you must take. grant it, some paths are more treacherous, more frowned upon, longer and more risky than others, but its possible such paths lead to a greater reward. its fun to take the road less travelled by.

the truth is, i am here in God's Country to go to school if nothing else. i didnt go where everyone else did. i didnt pick a very stable major. i didnt start a relationship with someone who lives here. basically by definition, i did everything completely wrong.

but there is no one path to righteousness.

there is no one path to success.

there is no one path to true love.

we all get there eventually. im ok with the way my life is right now. im content and satisfied. and best of all, i am LOVED.

so as i leave my room and disperse myself into the mixed menagerie of young and eager pupils all hung over from last night's panty drop night, the biggest party night of the year apparently here on campus, im alright.

<3

pref night 2006

"life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go"
-k. urban

i decided to stick out the whole rushing process b/c i wanted to make sure i wasnt missing out on anything and quitting too early when maybe there was something down the line that i needed to see. last night was preference night, which is the serious formal night of rush week where the sororieties that you are still in the running with tell you what the sororiety has meant to them. it tends to get very emotional and even though right now i have no formal attachment to any of these groups, i felt the love.

so i think im going to go through with it. go through the pledging process. see if it takes over my life or suddenly transforms me into a mindless barbie. if nothing else it could provide me something to do on a friday night other than html code chamaeleon's myspace like i did this past friday.

however i must underscore how hard it was for me to make this decision. you see, these girls kept going on and on about the bonds of sisterhood that they share and how theyve met their best friends through the sororiety. but kelley is my best friend. and i dont want that to change despite distance. and i just dont see jordan really getting into the revenge of the nerds date party with me. i want to meet new people and make new friends, but i dont want to replace the ones i have. kelley and i share a special bond that i would hope no group or other person could ever touch.

this is when i remember that i live in knoxville now.

kelley and i talk to each other often, but she does not live here and i do not live there. we dont share the same life anymore and there's nothing wrong with that. i have to let go of a life that isnt my own anymore. i have to move on. im not packing my stuff up in a week and going back to roswell and saying this whole thing was just a summer camp experience for a little while and now back to my old life. this is my life now.

of course i should probably save the emotional hogwash for when i actually know that i have a bid from one of the chapters.

let go
let go
jump in
oh well what you waiting for
its alright
cause theres beauty in the breakdown.

please be kind and rewind.

if i could do it again i wouldnt do it the same.

i'd have spent less time with senor asshole and more time with the obvious. the person standing in front of me everyday. the person quietly observing from afar. the person who would have taken me to prom. the person who wont hurt me and i know it.

unfortunately in life we dont have that luxury. yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery we have only today let us begin.

so i begin.

i begin a new life in a new place all on my own. i feel lonely and quite discombobulated if you want to know the truth. making friends is not easy, especially when you come off of having basically the greatest group of friends ever. but i think above all i can be happy with just casual friends. ive heard it said so many times that you meet your best friends in college but i dont think i would be so far fetched to say that maybe kelley and i are an exception to the rule. the important trick to being alone is just to find comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in the world, someone loves you.

and someone does. i think a few people do.

im a happy fish. b/c someone out there cares enough to know that this is unconventional and doesnt make sense and may not work but willing to try b/c its that important.
im so happy about all this.

i wish i wasnt so far away.

but sometimes in the end its the phonecalls and the letters and the emails and the stupid things that make it work.

if you can tough this out you can handle anything.

and that makes me a happy girl.

the art building where i will now live.


Brothers and sisters feel fine
It's the time of your lives
It's the time of your lives
No sound, no sound
Like this feeling you've found
Like this feeling you've found

But just stay down
'cos some sounds you'll feel
So stay round
And some sounds you'll feel

And it's me they're looking for
And it's me
I will never survive

"brothers and sisters" coldplay

this is my home now. my habitat. my dwelling. this is going to take some getting used to. i think as i get older i just get worse and worse about this whole meeting people and being social thing. but im not giving up. i never will. because it always gets better, and if it doesnt get better it gets worse, and that sucks.

i didnt get invited back to the sororiety i wanted. this may be a blessing in disguise. i swear the only one that keeps showing interest in me over and over again is the one that has the sluttiest and biggest party girl reputation. should i read into this as something i need to recognize about myself? so unless i fall madly in love with one of the three groups who still want me it looks like greek life is out for me. and just when im getting all sad and stuff, i swear out of nowhere these two girls show up in my room. like not at my door, IN my room (and the door was shut too i think thats actually breaking and entering) they were looking for someone named sarah and they never found her here but they were from a church group and maybe thats where i need to be right now. its like i said before. i feel like unless it will help me accomplish the goals i have in the end for myself, then maybe its not worth my time and maybe this is a sign that those things are not worth my time. im serious when i say ive got a lot of work to do here, as dorky as it may sound.

the best and worst thing about Baptist churches: once you visit they dont leave u alone. this is bad b/c they dont leave u alone. this is good b/c everyday i have mail advertising some churchwide program or a letter from surely a little old lady telling me Jesus loves me, etc.

today was the first day of classes. i spent about an hour in the bustling atrium of the art building wasting time reading my book on the science of photographic lighting and basic photographic principles before my art history class. a very old man in a blue seersucker suit came and sat down on one of the concrete walls that abound and ate an ice cream cone and looked around with the biggest and most content grin on his face i have seen in a while. i wish i could be an old man in a blue seersucker suit eating an ice cream cone and looking around in a senile yet happy manner a: because i would be wearing a seersucker suit b: because i would be eating ice cream c: because i could be senile and it would be a-ok.

the old man reminds me of the simple pleasure i now more fully recognize. when you dont have swirls of activity or tons of friends or familiarity surrounding you, you begin to find joy and happiness in the little things. buying the 700-page september couture issue of vogue yesterday made my day. its a magazine. its not important or big. but still it was wonderful to me. the little rewards in life are what give u something to look foward to. something to love. something to work toward. something to keep going for.

so as we all shut off our bed bath and beyond deluxe edition swivel-headed clip-on dorm desk lamps in metallic kiwi, we treasure the things that keep us going everyday.

for amanda its the comfort of heavyset black basketball players next door who will walk her home from class and the always-beautiful glow from her life-size cutout of kasey kane.

for my grandma its a phone call from me.

for robyn its her pink bedspread that she finally won out on.

for jordan fabulous its his grand need and ability to white balance and cup after cup of good coffee and expresso, made at all hours of the day.

for mr. steve sparling its a text message from his daughter.

from my mom its calling up "her girls" and checking up on them.

for kelley its a family-sized box of wheat thins and a john mayer poster.

and for me its a too-large portion of famous amos traditional chocolate chip cookies, the september cotoure issue of vogue, the pictures that hang above my bed, and the phone call i get every night (give or take).

and for us all, there is the promise that one day we will make something greater and more amazing of ourselves. until we do, the little things get us by.

i rent a room and i fill the spaces with wooden places to make it feel like home.

but all i feel's alone.


today was a lonely day.

it appears that maybe since im not blonde and in love with vols football, kelley clarkson, "kinny chaysney", and the color powder pink, i may not fit in as well as i had hoped.

i hate awkward transition phases.

and it would be so easy for me to just spend an immense amount of time by myself right now. i guess thats what i did today though. i got up at l1:30, which is insanely late for me. spent over an hour getting ready for the fashion show that is rush aka "fall recruitment". grabbed some absolutely delicious (not) hawaiian chicken at merrel. went to rush until 6. grabbed dinner and talked to robo on the phone. went to the libary to try to finish summer reading. called my folks. and then started writing this. im kinda stuck in this awkward place right now. if i could just go off and do the things i want to do like spend immense amounts of time reading about everything ive ever wanted to know in the library or going to the riverwalk to take pictures, then i would be just fine. but i feel like i cant or shouldnt do that b/c that would be antisocial and now is the time to be putting myself out there and meeting people and doing those things will accomplish neither of those. but the truth is, i refuse to be fake. i didnt meet the friends i had that way and i dont intend to meet the friends i will that way either.

as depressing as this all may sound, things are looking up. i had pretty much turned my back on the whole greek life thing but then today during rounds i talked to this girl in one of the chapters and she and i really clicked. they seem pretty down to earth and school-oriented but not in a dorky way. i just feel at this point if i could get in with someone like them it could be a really good easy way to make the transition here and have a strong base of friends without having to go through too many awkward pleasantries to get there.

maybe this is just a lazy easy way out.

but who knows these days im one way one day and completely opposite the other. like robyn said, check one of the journals from two summers ago that is floating around somewhere out there in space and u will find a list of angies requirements for who she dates. superimpose that with her history thus far and you will see, it is a very bad idea to say never.

i dont want to be tied down but i sure do miss some certain people.

but i am determined to make it here. i didnt take the easy way in and i knew i wasnt, but i refuse to back down.

at least for now : )

ahhhh to rewind the past month and do it all again.

i miss all my roswell friends. i feel like an outkast bad kid right now. but im not.

robyn says dont get stds.

bye kids!

i rent a room and i fill the spaces with wooden places to make it feel like home,

but all i feel's alone.

campus is officially buzzing. the presidential courtyard outside my dorm room is alive with activity, but im just too tired to go out. rush was crazy today. thirteen sororities. all afternoon going from suite to suite making small talk. everyone here is so nice, but im just not sure im cut out for that kind of thing. i have so many personal and professional goals i want to accomplish right now and i guess i have to decide if the greek life can help me to do that and if i even have time for it. i found a calendar that has movies being played throughout the semester on campus. some of my favorites: the squid and the whale, boogie nights, match point. i'll be there.

i got real sad today. i walked past my mailbox and there was something in it! i rushed upstairs to get my card with my combination on it, ran back down, then realized i was looking at the box above mine. that kinda sucks. send me a letter kids it will be fun!

its 10:02 pm on saturday, august 19, 2006 on the first night of my life and i am sitting in my dorm room listening to true love waits and wondering if the universe would really be destroyed if it didnt.

i hope that here in God's country i can become the person i want to be and not lose myself anywhere along the way.

time for that summer reading i didnt do.

"welcome to limboland. for the next four years you get to do whatever the fuck you want." -jm07

so im pretty dead right now. but im here and so is all my stuff or at least so i think until i figure something else im missing. oh well, its good to be outside of my purple box in surburbiatown. on my way home from jmo's house last night, who fittingly was the last person i saw before i left town, i got a little sad about starting anew and leaving my home. but then "world" by five for fighting came on and it just made me realize the amazing opportunity i now have to really just go for it and be amazing and be special and be different and reach out and grab that life i want so desperately.

i miss jordan though.

i like how for once i can actually say the person's name im talking about. way back in the day when lord knows whos girlfriend was reading this thing, i had to use codenames and all sorts of sketchy things. with jordan i get to say what i mean and feel it too.

so i have a feeling things are just going to start going and never stop for a second for a very very long time. before i know it ill be famous or crazy or something like that.

i went to target before i came to campus because i forgot to bring bed pillows. geez now theres an important thing to forget. so im standing at the checkout and this hugely fat lady walks up to the register over along with a man who is almost equal in size, almost. they are wearing matching t shirts, white with black fancy cursive writing across the front. the womans says bride and the mans says groom.

if this is any indication i think the next few years should be quite interesting.

u just never know how it will go.

and then there was one.

goodbye haigwood studios.

kinda weird when you have a harder time leaving your workplace than you do leaving some of your friends. but then again these people are my friends. lest i forget that for five months out of my life i was forced to spend at least an hour every weekday with these people. then after that i believe i was there almost every day at some point or another during the summer. the day didnt feel complete without a visit to the studio.

is it possible that while i was the one who was supposed to be giving to the studio (through my employment there) that in reality the studio was giving back to me?

i'd dare say i have changed as a person as a result of the time i have spent there.

i learned about hairlights. how to use a cannon. the importance of not throwing your hardrive around. a little bit about men's suit sizes. how to use a metz. i lost my sushi virginity. i watched a movie called ikiru or 30 minutes of it anyway. i hated rhs moms. i went in at 8 am. i went in at 1 am. i fell asleep on the couch. i broke a modeling light bulb. i saw people get married. i saw people get separated. i saw boobies. i did interior shoots. i made myspace fabulous. i made friends with an awesome christian british dude named nigel. i rendevoued in the parking lot late at night. i was a hand model. and a robe model. and a prom model. i have my own scandalous red couch story. i heard dani california millions of times on the stereo. i went to the fox with jeremy for a wedding. amanda and i hung out in mountain park and got belton and jordan lost. i shot chamaeleon and kelley in the studio. i shot coco in the studio. i did my first nudes in the studio. i spent a lot of time on the phone. i learned about painting with light. i met astounding and amazing people. i saw how vain the industry could be. at that single location my vcard was almost stolen two, make that three, times. and i loved absolutely every second of it. i couldnt have asked for a better place to spend the last nine months and certainly could not have asked for a better opportunity to learn and better people with which to work.

it was all i could do to keep from crying as i said goodbye to everyone. i couldnt believe i was walking out that door for good. i mean i will come back and work at christmas. but who knows who will be there by the time i return. things will never be the same. i will never be the same.

i suppose at this point, with my goodbyes all said and the studio fading off in the distance as well, the emotion that i feel is not that of sadness over leaving people behind. it is a sense of nostalgia that the girl who came to this town seven years ago would not even remotely recognize the girl who is typing this entry today. this new girl is still much the same as the old girl, but at the same time not anything like her. she has an innocent air about her, but in truth she is jaded. she finds in hard to believe in many of the things she used to like true love and honesty. the girl today wonders if her life is really going to be how she always imagined, and if it isnt, would that be such a bad thing? this girl wonders if maybe all the things that seemed so taboo to her before, like having relationships with people who may not be her "type" or choosing a life of adventure and beauty over a life of predictabilty and stability. this girl has a scar on the inside of her lip and a gash mark on her lower back. this girl did what she wanted during the last summer of her life and she loved it. this girl is 25 pounds heavier. this girl doesnt have a straight plan and doesnt know where shes going.

and i am this girl.

question EVERYTHING.
NEVER say never.

i left the studio today waving goodbye to an orange and brown figure who was standing in the superbright back parking lot where we both had been only 12 hours before. i didnt make it to the stoplight before i started bawling.

beware of the people who are watching you from afar.
they tend to grow on you after awhile.

if i could do this all again, i would have given him a chance much earlier. he was the one i should have been with all along. he was the one i deserved to be with. i should have been with him way back in march when we shot senior samples. or on june 19th when we spent all day in a mansion on lake lanier listening to overdrawn stories about a girl who just wanted some weed and didnt care if she had to go through a homeless person to get to it. i should have been with him at prom. i should have been with him for all those times when the lighting was fantastic and if only i could have someone here with me who actually gave a damn and could appreciate it. i should have been with him all those times when i just wanted to be quiet and still and no one else really got it.

but should haves dont work.

so i have to say that the little time i gave us i was very reluctant at first. scroll down if u must and youll see. i didnt want to get in some weird scenario where i was just asking to get hurt like in the past. i wasnt sure if it would work, or if i was even into it. but in the end it was most excellent and most good.

so when he handed me a gift i could feel through the paper that it was a book but i wasnt supposed to open it until later. i turned into my neighborhood, still bawling. and it hit me. i knew exactly what was in that package. his copy of Fight Club. the book that i love and the book he loves even more. the paperback novel that means so much to him. all i could offer up was a pitiful piece of artwork and a photograph.

i guess he'll probably never know how much i enjoyed my time with him in the end.

but it is just that.

the end.

im so tired of saying goodbye.

and then there were two.

i love you amanda you are truly my hero. thank you for everything you have been to me. thank you for eating a lot of food. thank you for not being able to spell. thank you for being horrible at spanish. thank you for being the most amazing swimmer ever. thank you for having a cool cat named am-y. thank you for being the biggest pimp i know and encouraging me to follow in ur footsteps.

my chica : )

What kind of world do you want?
Make anything
Let's start at the start
Build the master keys
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now.

(yes it does. lets go.)

and then there were three.

i would hate to be one of those kids who has to be here another month while everyone else is away. i cant describe the emptiness i have felt as one by one the people who have meant so much to me over the past few years slowly fade out into the world. i was driving today, and as i drove past the neighborhoods of friends i remembered how if i were to go to their houses they wouldnt be there anymore.

last night kelley came over. i thought it would be this long sentimental reccounting of all the memories we've had over the last seven years, but mostly we just sat and watched coyote ugly on tv and ate cake.

but thats the way its always been and theres no need to change it on the last night we have.

i felt kinda numb as i walked her to the door and we said goodbye. but then i saw a tear in her eye. kelleys eye. the eye that doesnt cry. thats what got me.

she finally went away and i shut the front door and just slid down until i was limp on the floor. so much for being numb.

she came back one more time this morning on her way to breakfast with adam. much of the same, this time she said bye to my parents. her second parents. mammy and pappy. when she left i just went upstairs and got sad for a while. i could hear my mom crying in the kitchen.

i kept thinking, there goes my best friend.

my first and only best friend mind you. the girl i met in the 6th grade right after i moved here and instantly hated. the girl that uses at least 5 hyperboles in any given sentence. the girl who is my polar opposite. the girl who can read my mind.

how can you cut off my arm and my leg and a good portion of my head and still expect me to walk around like nothing happened?

this is what it feels like to lose your friends.

this is what it feels like to be alone in suburbia.

i have never felt like this before. it is emptiness. it is sadness. it is confusion. it is loneliness in a crowd. it is numbness.

im just on go mode right now.

ps: love has the worst sense of timing.

release.

i think i felt every emotion possible today.

i woke up and was dead tired for almost half the day, easily frustrated and annoyed with the tedious task of dorm room shopping with my detail-oriented mother. God bless her, i dont know how i would function without her, but i sure can be mean to her.

went to yousufs to say goodbye. seems like with all my friends thus far you think there's all this stuff that needs to be said because your relationship is so extensive/meaningful/deep, but when you get right down to it you dont say anything that youre feeling really. maybe if youre lucky youll skim the surface a little. but i guess the beauty of all that when it happens is that you and your friend probably know each other and your relationship well enough that you just know how each other feels and you dont have to say all that stuff. youre just ok. just ok.

so after feeling a little sad and nostalgic, i hopped on over to Shallots for sushi with Belton and Jordan. i was a sushi virgin and they made me order the real stuff...the raw stuff. i have to say belton turned me on to fish in the first place and sushi wasnt too bad either. after illegally sharing the all-u-can-eat sushi meal. we left. i had fun and therefore felt happy.

then off to say goodbye to robyn. she was being very robyn-like and rushing around freaking out about what she would bring to college and the fact that she no longer has her own bathroom. we said goodbye and she started to cry and i told her i wasnt having any of that. not tonight. then i got in the car and left and bawled all the way to the studio. i felt so sad. i think what got me was as i drove away i looked back at her house and just all these times came rushing back to me. i remembered how things smelled, the general feeling of the time. spending the night after concerts, eastburg lettuce, studying for econ, random really late night conversations, phylum mold, prom, ddr, my shopping buddy. my robyn . im sure i will keep in touch with robyn but you know that things will never be the same and seeing her house just reminded me of the way things used to be and all the memories weve had and its really been great. i guess the saddest part for me is that i know i will never have a friend even close to robyn. shes such a great person. shes always stuck around and been open and honest with me, and we share the fact that we have little quirks about us that often turn others off, but in the end make us who we are. i will miss the sassy girl who calls certain guys hormonal bastards and who chases down innocent bystanders in the senior lot just to insure that i have a prom date. where else can u find a friend like that.

college life will take some adjusting for her, but it will for us all. she will be just fine and amazing.

so then i was sad.

so i went to the studio where all the cool kids from dinner and dan were painting the studio. i had to clean myself up i looked like a frickin rape victim after my little meltdown in the car. i was so upset i was shaking like it was freezing outside and i felt cold but i know i wasnt.

then i got silly and giddy. finally what ive been looking for for so long. the thing i could never get from the person that should have given it to me. it made me feel better, like i wasnt so wrong for thinking this is the normal progression of things.

then i went to kelley's house. we played on her webcam. we made fun of some certain myspace music. we told stories. damn im gonna miss her. but i wont have to thanks to erape!

the day ended up happy and ultimately like it began: very tired. if im lucky ill get six hours in tonight.

goodnight.

well three down.

i cant believe its time to say goodbye. its not the overall not being able to see some of my friends that saddens me, its the day to day knowing that they wont be there like they were. i wont run into them at target. i wont be able to see them physically grow and change except through pictures or through a computer screen.

these are things you can think about all u want but you dont truly understand until you experience them yourself.

i have a week and a half and i havent done a thing to prepare and meanwhile im trying to spend time with the friends who are still around. this is so hard and stressful. i kinda wish i could sleep through it all.

for now, that is what i will do.

and then it was done.

so the day i thought would never come did. the day that was always in the distant distant future is now the past. my going away party was last night and i think it was a shining success. way more people than i could have ever imagined came out, and i think everyone had a good time, we have tons of extra food though.

i said goodbye to a lot of people for the last time. i said goodbye to a few really close friends for the last time. however as sad as the idea of going off on my own and not knowing anyone and not having these beautiful people around me all the time is, i feel like im not as sad as i thought i would be or as sad as i should be or something. i mean i think i, as well as others, have just reached the point where its like im just ready to move on and ive accepted that change is coming down and my life, and the people in it, will be different now. im ok with what's happening, and i think that is why i dont feel more strongly about what is happening.

either that or im just numb to it all.

wow im really not going to see sarah again. i think i just now realized that i said goodbye to her today. as in the last goodbye before college. wow.

some of the adults asked me how i was feeling right now. honestly, as completely ill-prepared as i am for all this, i feel like the only way i can truly successfully move on wiht my life and feel good about myself is just to get out and start over. i like the person i am today and i think ive changed a lot in a good way, but there are certain things about the old angie that i think i need to revert back to. i need to get back my strong work ethic. my incredible focus. my innocent attitude. my body. my sense of self discipline and self control. my ability to pick out what is good for me and what is not. i need to be able to be ok being alone, and when im not alone, i need to be with someone who is single, around my age, and for sure about his sexuality. i dont think this is too much to ask. my friends keep telling me i deserve a lot, and i hope this is true. i know greatness is out there waiting for me somewhere. i just have to find it. but in the meantime, i dont want to expend my energy in search of something that i shouldnt need to have anyway.

the first picture i ever took with kelley: december 1999
the last picture i have with kelley: august 2006
weirddd.


so i finally got to talk to my roomate, she seems nice. i hope everything works out ok with her. i think it will, im just glad i didnt get the roomate from hell or anything.

in other news i decided finally just to let go and go with whatever's bound to happen as far as my love life if you can even call it that is concerned. i have a week and a half left here. not much good can happen, but by the same token not much bad can happen either. so might as well take it for what its worth. i think i can stop questioning his orientation long enough for that. just kidding. yeaahhhh.

well its tuesday august 8th. for many of my friends its their last tuesday in roswell. heck for many of them its their second to last day in roswell. i cant believe the day of my party is here. i can remember looking foward to it and feeling it was so far away. geez, i leave in a week and a half.

i worked my tail off on the slideshow, and when you look past some technical flaws, its amazing. i cant wait to show it. im going to cry though. thats the problem when u keep the same friends for a long time, you have so many good memories with them and it just amazes u how fast time has gone and at the same time how much has changed.

i am so excited for tonight. all the people i have loved for the past six years all gathered in one place for one night. how amazing.

this is our swan song, our final bow before we go.

There are secrets that we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we're not wise enough to see

He said... You looking for a clue I Love You free...

The batter swings and the summer flies
As I look into my angel's eyes
A song plays on while the moon is hiding over me
Something comes over me

I guess we're big and I guess we're small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free
I love you freely

Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...

"The Riddle" Five For Fighting

Miss me guys? Probably not. I could lie and say i havent written because i was on some amazing trip to go base jumping in australia, but the truth is ive been here the whole time. ive just been so busy, between getting ready for my parties, getting ready for school, working at the studio, trying to spend time with my friends, and fend of romantic notions, its been tough. I can feel the close coming so vividly, i just hipe its a beautiful ending to an ultimately wonderful story.

The time ive had lately has made me realize how good i am with my friends. what i mean is we are all just so comfortable with each other. we're chill. im an extremely sad to leave them and embark on my own, but at the same time, with many of them i feel comfortable going off in my separate direction because i have a feeling nothing will really change between us. there's comfort in that.

It is unbelievably strange to see an end come that you never thought would occur. jenny's room looked empty today. she's already packing up. and then tuesday will come and then thursday and then that will be that. the end of an era.

im glad to be the last one to leave. i can close each book one by one and feel like i really ended things the right way.

this time has also made me see how stupid i have been. mind you i dont regret a thing. it was all right and neccesary and good and perfect and special at the time. but it never was real. i made up a lie that i wanted to believe and then i paid for it. but you know it wasnt just me making up shit...takes two to tango.

meanwhile i am wondering if i should just let myself go and just do this thing that doesnt make sense and take it for what its worth and just go with the flow and chalk it up as an experience if nothing else. it could be fun. it could make me look really weird. it could be not completely what i want. if i knew the answer to these things this would not be such a problem.

lead him on, break is heart, feel bad, try to get him back.

thats me.

man the days are flying and theres not enough time and in a week its gonna be my party and after that its all over and im supposed to move on with my life and such and it just doesnt work like that for me i dont think. im left wondering if with each word i am leaving these people the way i want to and are things working out the way they should and when will i ever see these people again and then theres always the inevitable truth that things will never be the same.

i guess it wouldnt hurt as much if i knew all my other friends were in the same boat as me, but the truth is even though they are going off to start a new life in a new place and its going to be really hard too, at least they initially have each other for support.

meanwhile, mr fabulous wants to start something (i think "cough cough, man thong") but the truth is even if i was interested, which i just dont think i am (maybe im wrong and if so feel free to correct me, but i dont think i should be feeling numb about all this right now and thats how i feel, i always thought there was supposed to be some kind of spark there, but now i am jaded and unsure of the likelihood of any kind of romantic notions in real life) i just dont have time right now. i feel like, even though this may be offensive to him, i just dont have the time right now to devote to something thats just getting started, when i feel like i owe it to the people ive known for 6 years to spend time and tie up lose ends with them. i just seems logical to me. i dont want to hurt anyone but i just dont think it would work anyway. i decided im not very good girlfriend material. i'll work on it.

so i sent kelley off today. she'll be back in a week and then its good as done for the bitchin babes.

if a friend is one soul dwelling in two bodies, then i cant get my mind off the fact that im about to get my soul taken away from me. this girl is not my best friend, she's not my confidant, shes not my partner in crime, shes not my prealgebra study buddy, shes not my swim coach, this girl is me. she is a part of me. i am not me when she is gone. she is me. she is me.

i am the person i am today because of what she has done for me and who she is to me. i owe her everything, but in the end it doesnt matter because thats what friends are for. i just hate the thought of us going off on our separate ways and finding replacements for each other, i know i know, there will never be replacements, but its just hard knowing that i cant just shoot across hwy 120 and sneak in her room while shes asleep at 1 in the afternoon and no one except the 1000000 cats notices that im even there.

in my talks with my friends i keep hearing that apparently i was the glue that always kept the group together throughout all our trials and tribulations. if this is true

what happens when the glue that holds everything together comes apart?

im a freaking mess right now. i feel like a fat ass cow yet i outright refuse to do anything about it. my room looks like a pack of squirells went insane inside. i cry everytime i get in the car b/c i like an idiot keep listening to that cd i have with all the saddest songs on it and it makes me get all scary girly emotional and stuff. i want to savor it all but endings are just so bittersweet.

my compliments to Jordan Fabulous for these pictures taken on wednesday. haha and the funny thing that i just realized is that that isnt my camera im holding there. the light was beautiful out there, but then again i think it always is...i'll have to go out there more often.

life isnt stopping for me anytime soon. i have so much to do right now, im so glad that at least one major distraction has been extinguished from my life, otherwise i would be even more screwed than i already am. today was kelley's last day working at the pool ever. i missed visiting her b/c i was at the studio burning cds all afternoon and ive become such a lazy bum that i couldnt rouse myself before 10 am. i dont know whats wrong with me anymore.

geez i have so many memories at that pool. i mean i really dont have distinguishable memories of certain things that occured, events and such, i can feel all those times she and i were there together whenever i go there. its so weird b/c now it feels like its gone. birthday parties, going there during finals week, early morning "swim" practices in the summer, learning how to dive via a hula hoop, synchronized swimming routines, getting pushed in at like 11:30 on my birthday. thats just in one place that just so happens to only be open about 4 months out of the year, i cant believe how many memories i have with these people...it makes me feel stupid for ever doubting them or ever screwing them over or ever not caring.

these people are my soulmates and my guardian angels.

and it sucks that it takes this huge thing where youre all leaving for good and going your separate ways for me to realize it.

you dont know what you got till its gone.

Why do I hurt to fly
Over every town laying down the line, no
Die in the clouds above
You and I've a friend that I do not love

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired to be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it
If you were by my side
But you're long gone
Yeah you're long gone now

"a bad dream" keane

let go

well we tried to go to tu tu tango tonight...take a little trip down memory lane and such. but the truth is the service is bad, the wait is long, and robyn got her finger stuck in the door of the big moving toaster aka jonathans element.

you can smell it on everyone. we all know that the end of this life is near and therefore we're all a lot more ok with each other than we may have otherwise been. we're a little more tolerant, a little more polite, a little more back to the way we used to be when everything was good and we were all single and i wasnt the studio slut and everyone's home life was perfect, and we were ugly but at least we were skinny, and our biggest problem was whether or not we had enough time to watch the latest episode of lizzie mcguire before we had to run over to katherines house for game night or what not, and our virgin skins weren't scarred by the emotional wounds we inevitably have given each other throughout the years.

i wish we could have revisited this time much sooner than now, maybe we'd all be better off. or maybe we'd still be the same. i kinda think the latter.

i cant really remember the day, or even really the reason why, but a few months ago i took off my watch and the ring that i for the past 6 years have worn on my right thumb.

i think it was sometime around graduation. maybe i went swimming or something. it may have even been graduation night when we were digging up the box, i have a feeling thats when it was.

regardless, i took them both off and have had them both off since then.

i guess i could get all metaphorical and deep and say that me not wearing my watch represents a sense of abandonment of time and worry about time.

and in a sense i guess you could say that's true. i dont pay nearly as much attention to the time as i used to, and i think its a good thing. you can enjoy yourself more when you dont see seconds of your life ticking away.

this is your life and its ending one moment at a time.

as for the ring. i guess the ring is a visual reminder of a lot of things. what i believe, where i come from, what ive been taught to believe.

and i think as i grow up i find myself questioning more and more of the things that i have believed all my life because its hard to draw the line between what you believe yourself and what youre supposed to believe.

i began to think the ring was an imposition placed upon me without proper consent. i control my destiny and this wasnt fair, i could believe what i wanted and act how i wanted.

im still waging that war within myself, but until then i think it best to do what i can to stay on the straight and narrow, even if it means playing by someone else's rules for at least awhile.

its high time i put that ring back on.

wow i think i love my life.

with all its twists and turns, its really not that interesting, but maybe in comparison to how it used to be, or just in angies world, its very exciting. im trying to figure out some stuff right now..i dont know what i should do. i mean i dont think im really at a place right now where i should be taking on new relationships. i dont want to do something just as a rebound, and im not sure if this is even really something i want. but then again am i just being overcautious because of things that happened in the past that dont have anything to do with the parties involved today? i mean i have a few weeks left here, nothing will happen, so i guess i can rest assured in that fact, or is that a bad thing? i mean i dont want to do something that means nothing, i want every relationship i have to mean something, but does that neccesarily mean it has to be long term and serious? im not so sure of that anymore. heck im not sure of a lot of things anymore. in all aspects of my life i find myself constantly questioning things and not knowing whether to validate my questions as or dismiss them as overzealous navite? my gut is usually right and my gut used to say just stay away, but maybe it changed its mind.

i think the best thing to do at this point is say, listen to your gut, and listen to the chocolate wrapper from a few days ago, that usually works for me.

just go with it.

would Jesus approve of whips and cracked out marys?

yay for titles, i always forget to put them. maybe it will help you as the reader decide which of these entries you actually want to read.

so lets see, to sum up the past few days, i would say this:

kelley and adam get stranded at a sketch gas station complete with apocalyptic prophets and angie saves the day, yet they still go at it in the back of her car.

beto's a pimp in the hot tub with like ten ladies. then we have a thirty minute convo about makeup at about 3 am and he doesnt seem to mind. (or maybe he does maybe he doesnt)

i get a bad case of "crotchulism" at the little five points rock orchestra's performance of Jesus Christ Superstar.

robyn wants plastic pleasure asap.

i modeled a robe for a catalog and the lady gave me free soap and its reaaallly nice.

haha so yeah anyways about Jesus Christ Superstar, that was some funny stuff. Robyn and i go to this play b/c we want to be cultured people and all. we show up and are pretty much the only people at the roswell cultural art center not wearing motorcycle boots and dog collars. much to our luck we get second row seats so we can really be in on the action. ive never seen the play or movie before , but ive heard good things, so im excited. first thing that happens is three girls, too of which are what i would consider to be overweight for their choice of costume, march out in corsets and boyshorts and fishnets and stripper boots.

im not kidding, i couldnt make this crap up.

much more insanity insued. and no im not exaggerating.

mary magdalene seemed to be high, she kept touching her face like she wasnt sure if it was really there or not and smiling at nothing. and after a last supper of cheap beer and bread, ponchous pilot came out in leather short shorts and a mesh shirt with black lipstick.

i saw waaaaaaaaaaay waaaaaaaaaaay too much of pilot's pilot.

if you know what im sayin.

when Jesus ripped his shirt off and exposed his beer belly and the "guards" (aka: the chicks in the corsets and stripper boots) started whipping him (during which Robyn says she saw some nipple, which i wouldnt doubt, i was too busy whincing at the overall site of it all) and the whole thing just looked like some kind of crazy s and m crap, i knew it was a little much.

i really hope that all the families there with their church-bred homeschooled children were able to take away the true moral lesson that the story of the crucifiction is supposed to depict. like dont let your kids grow up to be in the little five points rock orchestra group, for example.

i love when life is random and you go do this weird thing like go see Jesus and Mary Magdalene get down at the roswell cultural art center.

im listening to the trapeze swinger by iron and wine right now. if you dont know it look it up, its the most amazing song ever. its 9:30 minutes long, and its melody is very repititve, but there's something about it that even the first time you hear it it makes you want to cry. its a beautiful song. but anyways, im listening to it right now, and its bringing everything back. i can almost feel myself driving home on december 19th, it was sunny but cold outside, there was all kinds of icy frost on my car when i headed out that morning and i had to scrape it off with my borders discount card. the night before was the shindig and that night was sarah's christmas party.

its amazing what one song can do. i feel like im there. sometimes i wish i was. i'd do it all over again.

just to do it all over again.

wtf.

it should say something that in the immediate 48 hours after everything collapsed my life has been more interesting and more has happened than in a very long time. hmmm. and i got free ice cream.

i love summer its all about being random, delivering brownies, getting licked, talking to licks, hanging out with kelley at the pool, singing queen all the way down ashford-dunwoody, having your bday cake ice cream and eating it too (with a brownie), and going where all the young proffesionals go to hang out (muhaha, woodruff).

so as you can see if you are ever interested in being photographed, it pays to work for a photography studio, they can hook you up. too bad it means you have to take the shots when you look like crap and dont have nearly enough makeup on and are not properly dressed for the occasion. but thats ok thats what photoshop is for.

im excited b/c i usually hate weekends in the summer, but this time i actually have plans, and i actually have to start getting ready for school and stuff. this is a nervewracking prospect, plus i have sooo much work to do on photoshop, slideshow, college stuff, party stuff, and myspace.

its the most exciting time of your life and it is vastly approaching.

i went out with two of my closest friends tonight, ash and kel. we had tapas at eclipse de la luna and it was sooo yummy. its so weird to think that the lalas are coming to a close, actually theyre all going to the sam place except for me, i have to be different of course. we had coldstone to celebrate my victories, and it just goes to show me how much no one ever wanted to say to me. now theyre buying me ice cream and telling me all these things i never knew they knew or thought about. but its all good.

in the meantime, they convinced me that i shouldnt be anyones bitch. i used to have a hard heart. then i was convinced by someone dear that that was no way to live. then my heart got smushed by a car. so i should probably close back up a little bit. but not too much, it seems like a lot of people like the new me.

so sorry, but this is how i feel and this is what i think and im putting this back up here because i can lie to someone else all day long, you can deal with the fallout on that one, but im not going to lie to myself on your account.

so here's the blog i wrote yesterday, posted last night, deleted this morning, and am now realizing should not be censored and am therefore resposting it:

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ENTRY WILL BE VERY LONG, BUT IT WILL BE INTERESTING NONE THE LESS, IF YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY AND ARE READING THIS, YOU BEST NOT ASK ME TO EXPLAIN MYSELF, I DON’T OWE IT TO YOU AND IM PRETTY SURE I DON’T WANT TO SO DON’T ASK.

“As we grow up we learn that even the one person who wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once; and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend and you might even fall in love with him. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing so fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you care about. So take too many pictures, laugh too hard, and love like you've never been hurt; because every minute you spend mad or upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.”

It is 1:08 pm on a sunny Wednesday aftenoon july 19th of the last summer of your life. July 4th was 15 days ago, but the truth is today is the final and definitive independence day.

Everything is collapsing.

It is finished.

This whirlwind of a whatever this whole thing was for the past eight months is finally coming to a close. Im not sure what I have to show for it though. I mean I could think positively and say that I have been loved and have loved in return, but at this point I question even that. Sometimes people can get so caught up in their own lies that they live inside this fantasy world. No one else knows about it. its this big secret, then it almost seems true, it becomes so real. But the reality is its just falsities and wishes.

I cant be mad though. I don’t want this to have a bad ending because it was such a beautiful ride that it doesn’t deserve to close out that way, and I don’t want it to. What kind of person would I be if I couldn’t forgive. Its possible to forgive while still standing up for yourself and that is what I did today. Im sorry if it hurt, but I thought you should know.

The past eight months have meant so much to me, but I have to take everything that was said and done with a grain of salt because the truth is unconventional works, secrets don’t. things are only as significant as both parties perceive them to be, and im not sure how significant the other party here finds them to be.

-Just one last touch and then well go and well pretend that it meant so much more, but it was vile and it was cheep and you are beautiful but you don’t mean a thing to me.-

Guess who’s playing the fool again? I must do a good job at it, cause they always call me back to play that part.

I feel stupid for thinking things had changed or that I was special enough to make things different. But you know I think its high time I stopped allowing everything to be blamed on me. It takes two to tango, but I could very well be considered an innocent bystander who got blinded by the happiness of it all and ended up somewhere she shouldn’t have been and didn’t want to leave.

This wasn’t my fault. I am generally a good person I swear. I lost myself for a little while.

The hardest part was admitting to myself that if the need arose, I was going to have to lie and say that nothing happened, nothing that meant anything at least. To say that would mean admitting to myself and the world at large that the emotions and energy that I poured out into this relationship were really for no reason and it was all just some cute little made up story. I damn joke email sent in order to make fun of the fugly redhead. Just try imagining it this way but on a smaller scale. Someone walks up to you one day and tells you your parents never really loved you it was all a charade. Then they tell you you have to go out to the world and let everyone know that your parents were just joking with you when they said they loved you, or when they took care of you all those years they really didn’t mean it they were just hastily doing a favor. How much would it hurt you to say that? Maybe you have a little better idea of how I feel then.

But God has impeccable timing. I wanted to push myself off a ledge to which I could never ever return, and just in time I find myself in a situation, in which the circumstances are such that I know He is saying, “angie, just turn and go.”

So go I shall. This comes just in time for me to enjoy my time here with friends and family. And grant it, he is still, and always will be one of my best friends. We always were that. Just somewhere along the line things came out that I now realize shouldn’t have been said and probably carried no actual emotional weight when they were said to begin with. The last time this happened I cried all day. I cried myself to sleep, and when I returned to school all I wanted to do was cry.

This time crying never even crossed my mind.

It almost makes me sad that im not sadder about this. I feel like I should be. But then I really think about it and I know I shouldn’t because ive spent the last eight months on an emotional roller coaster of a life in which everyday I found myself questioning how he felt about me and wondering what my future was like. Would I ever get my turn? Its almost sickening when you really think about it. but I really did care and I do care and that’s what sucks about me sometimes. I am an extremely passionate person. I put all that I have into all that I do. So when everything collapses my entire world is just completely shattered. Slaughtered. Broken. But I did all my crying and my worrying and my bitterness and my jealousy and my depression and my anger over the past eight months on a daily basis. The pain for me was slow, gradual, pinching pain. So now in the fallout I don’t think I have any energy left in me for an emotional breakdown. It was the mistake I knew I was making and like I said before, in life you already know all you need to know, the challenge lies in convincing yourself that you must do what you know you need to do in order to get the best outcome. I knew the dymanics of this relationship all along, I just ignored myself. Close your eyes and they wont see you. Close your eyes and this will all be for real. It doesn’t work like that.

So sir, im sorry for putting you in a situation you shouldn’t have been through. And im even more sorry for the problems that now lie ahead of you as a result. But the choices were yours, and you know that. I hate that it ended this way, but maybe you can find the whole “beauty in chaos” thing you always talked to me about. It truly does kill me to see it go like this, and I take responsibility for my actions, but I never acted alone. Youre my emotional baggage, that should count for something right? Well I have lost enough sleep over this and I mean that. If I could only convey the amount of time ive spent planning, thinking, worrying about all this then maybe you could understand why im just so worn out by it all that I cant freak out anymore. Its your turn to lose sleep.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is admit to yourself and to them that you cant give them what they deserve and its not fair for them to stick around. Its not fair to you, its not fair to me, and its certainly not fair to her.

Say goodnight and go, for real this time.


The end of an era for me. My best friend I’d want to lose my virginity to coupled with me, the love of his life hell never really love.

You never forget your first love…and I wont.

Ironically the shit hit the fan exactly to the letter 1 month before I leave for school. I have 1 month to make things right with everyone and make a beautiful grand finale for this show. I cant wait.


So before I close out this entry, here’s a quote. Its something he said to me two months ago and it was probably the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me. Read into it and youll get it.


“you didnt need to aspire to be any Greater then you already are angie because yOu impressed me tO begin with…i seriously Doubt that angie, you're full of ideas and creativity and talent that is so unique in nature and unyielding in growth that it couldnt have stemmed from a simple want to impress any one person But YoursElf, your talent and creativity iS genUine and it is For you and for you alone, the real gift iS that you were able to reach others in the process”

I love you.

i cant believe im censoring my own f-ing blog.

these are my thoughts and how i feel and now im deleting them, as if i havent lost enough feeling already. yesterday i had to admit that something i thought meant a lot actually meant nothing, the stupid girl that i was thought differently.

i knew though. deep down i knew. its that whole thing, i think we know almost from birth everything we need to know, but we have this urge to lie to ourselves and make ourselves believe that once, just this once, things will be different. but it never is. fate always wins out in the end.

the mistake i knew i was making.

and actually i wasnt really sad until now. actually im not sad. im just pissed. pissed for giving the world and expecting nothing in return. pissed that im censoring my own feelings to cover someone's ass.

im sorry, you can get pissed at me for this entry. i dont care. i suppressed how i really felt for long enough because i didnt want to upset you. youre asking a lot of me. someone with less patience, forgiveness and general love would not be as submissive to helping you out. you owe me the world. i gave you mine.

this is what happens when you piss off a redhead.

i doubt the validity of everything now. its so easy to live in a lie so deeply that you convince yourself its the truth even when it isnt. so maybe no, i havent ever experienced someone loving me. no ive never had a real relationship. none of this was real.

let the critics roll she did it again. played the fool. congratulations your my new emotional baggage.

motionless wheel,
nothing is real,
wasting my time in the waiting line,
do you believe in what you see.

i knew it all along

some relationships just work. these two could be married already as far as you can tell. they just seem to get each other really well. they are cute. they arent knock-everyone-down-pda-in-the-streets, but they also arent cold with each other. its such a good thing to see, and it makes me believe in it all.

here's to recognizing that your life is your own, and taking charge of it.

i think that after spending 12 years in school and 18 guided by my parents on this straight and narrow path, i forgot that my life and my destiny is my own. ive got the keys now and i get to drive and i get to relish in the successes as truly my own and i get to shovel the shit when i screw it all up. i dont know where i want to go for sure right now, but maybe its time i did what i wanted to do. i can make rationale out of doing almost anything, im sure there could be a logical explanation for this.

i am sooo scared. but its ok. its a good scared i guess. u dont ever get this back. and you certainly dont ever get this time back.

take it for what its worth. everything in moderation. exercise caution, but live your life.

from the wise words of belton, we find angie truth #3:
belton says that the best shots in photography are the ones that when they were taken the photographer wasnt sure if they would actually work out or not. the risky shots win the prize because they might not have worked but they did, and the photographer was willing to risk it for the big reward.

this is true in life too.

the things that hurt, and the decisions that were hard to make are ultimately the ones that can end the most beautifully.

life's boring when you know how it will turn out.

i just hope my risk yields the most beautiful photograph in all kinds of shades of gold.

its kinda bad when even the chocolate wrapper tells u the same thing everyone else says.

its apparent i think too much, i know this.

you know that stupid saying you snooze you lose. its true and it sucks. i had my chance and i didnt take it. and now im afraid ill be left with regret because i see no change on the horizon. i had my chance and i blew it. regrets? i said i dont ever have any. but this is something i could see being a huge regret. and now i cant do anything even if i wanted to.

story of my life. i always back myself into corners.

do what u can with what u have where you are. maybe this isnt over yet.

ever feel like God's trying to tell u no? the timing's off, things happen, circumstances change.

true love waits.

what does that mean?

does it mean that true love waits on you? does it mean that true love waits out the circumstances until things are better? does it mean that true love doesn't happen until its own time? would i be so far-fetched to say that somewhere deep dark in my mind's fantasy world i hope to be walking the streets of new york and bump into the succesful tall dark and handsome musician i used to know all those years ago. am i just naive and weird for thinking that? maybe not. this is my life. it goes how i want it to. possibilites...endless. this year has shown me that. if you told me that a year from now i would be out of school on a tour bus rolling around the country following some band around and photojournaling at all, id think you were crazy...then id step back and say u know what this is my life and im driving now. whatever i want is what i get, nothing more nothing less.

i reserve the right to change my mind. but you never know, i may just get that loft in new york. and we may bump into each other on the street. you just NEVER KNOW.

i dont want to live in a generation that breeds and lives off of apathy anymore.

i think its time we all realized that we are responsible for our fates. life isnt something that happens to you, its something you do. i dont want to roll over and play dead and let things happen to me just because they "have to" they dont have to, nothing has to. its all up to how i make it.

which leads me to ask myself why things are how they are with me. i can walk all over and be mean and say no all day long to the people i really care about, but the strangers? oh no, you have to be polite to them. which basically means i get myself into situations i dont want to be in. and then i feel used and bad. i think i've decided that for the most part, im just another conquest. a good idea at the time. funny how things end up. i dont know whats a lie and whats just being nice anymore. i was never good at reading into things.

i have a feeling this is gonna be a long entry and that is because i have quite a bit of time to kill before i have to get ready for dinner out with kelley and because i have quite a bit on my mind. several of my friends are leaving on long trips which will put them arriving back in roswell early to mid august, basically meaning that after they leave its all over. guess what guys, i dont get to go to uga and be with all my friends and fall slowly out of touch. im going to have to snap the chord of a blunt and final goodbye. i dont get the luxury of familiarity where im going, and right now thats killing me. in the wee early hours of wednesday morning, i began to think in that tired state of mind youre in at 4 am, and i realized for real how im going to have to say goodbye to all these people. then i did what i never wanted to do. i thought about that final time, going over to everyones' houses and amongst the boxes and bags saying goodbye one last time, reccounting memories and hopefully conveying how much they truly have meant to me all these years. i thought specifically of this with my four closest friends: robo, sufs, amanda, and kelley. i cried myself to sleep. that is going to be so hard. to know that years and years of just being together are summed up and closed in one moment is unfathomable to me. but i hope to convey to everyone i care about how much they have meant to me and the impact they have had on my life before they go.

it has been said that art imitates life and i believe it. music is so hugely reminiscent of the day to day occurences in my life and it has the ability to bring me back to places i would have otherwise forgotten. so in an effort to show love i would like to show the complete progression of a special relationship i have had through song lyrics. it is amazing how the music u listen to can correlate so exactly to your experiences. and far as who this goes out to, that person knows. *puts hand over mouth*

11.2005
'I want you to love me, he whispers, unable to speak.
And he wonders aloud why feelings so strong make the body so weak."- green and gray, nickel creek

"I wanna live life, never be cruel,

I wanna live life, be good to you.

I wanna fly, never come down,

And live my life,

And have friends around."

-we never change, coldplay

"If I were a painter
I would paint my reverie
If that's the only way for you to be with me

We'd be there together
Just like we used to be
Underneath the swirling skies for all to see "

-painter song, norah jones

" She's reformed.
She took the family car.
She's getting high.
She's never slipped so far.

It's the best thing she's ever had."

-the best thing, ivy

12.2005

"I used to be the one saw
Crying alone to sad songs
But then we go and hit the wall
When nothings changed, nothing's wrong
It's not the perfect hand
But I dont hit on nineteen

And I don't need another kind of green to know
I'm on the right side
I'm on the right side with you"

-another kind of green, john mayer trio
"Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
And said 'The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last'
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger"
-the trapeze swinger, iron and wine

"and true love waits
in haunted attics
and true love lives
on lollipops and crisps

just don't leave
don't leave"

-true love waits, radiohead

"My heart is yours,
It's you that I hold on to,
That's what I do,
And I know I was wrong,
But I won't let you down,
(Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah I will, yes I will:)

I say "oh,"
I cry "oh."

Yeah I saw sparks"
-sparks, coldplay

1.2006


"This is the moment that you know that you told her that you loved her but you don't

You touched her skin and then you think that she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.

Yeah she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me...

All I see are dark gray clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour

So when you'd ask Is something wrong?

I'd think, You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now! No we can't talk about it now.



So one last touch and then you'll go and we'll pretend it meant something so much more

But it was vile and it was cheap and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

Yeah, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me."
-tiny vessels, death cab for cutie


"One of these days

You'll miss your train, and come stay with me

It's always say goodnight and go

We'll have drinks and talk about things

And any excuse to stay awake with you

You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there

But then the heating may be down again

At my convenience

We'd be good, we'd be great together

Go



Why'd you have to be so cute

It's impossible to ignore you

Must you make me laugh so much

It's bad enough we get along so well

Say goodnight and go"
Goodnight and Go- Imogen Heap

2.2006

"Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)

To say you're the only one breaking me down like this

You're the only one I would take a shot on

Keep me hanging on so contagiously"

-so contagiously, acceptance

"And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed "
-brothers on a hotel bed, death cab for cutie

3.2006

"Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care."

-goodbye my lover, james blunt

4.2006

"There are names across the sea
Only now I do believe

Sometimes when the window’s closed
You sit and think of me

But she’ll mend his tattered clothes
And they’ll kiss as if they know

A baby lives in all of us
So scared to be alone"

-our endless numbered days, iron and wine

"And all our sins
Come back to haunt us in the end
To hang around
To tap us on the shoulder
And smile silent
Its all implied you’ll die tryin
So to live this down
You might as well forget it"

-mistakes we knew we were making, staylight run

"

It takes no time to fall in love

But it takes you years to know what love is

And it takes some fears to make you trust

It takes those tears to make it rust

It takes the dust to have it polished



Ha la la la la la la life is wonderful"

-life is wonderful, jason mraz

"Do you believe

In what you see

Motionless wheel

Nothing is real

Wasting my time

In the waiting line

Do you believe in

What you see"

-in the waiting line, zero 7



"You and me

Meant to be

Immutable

Impossible

It's destiny

Pure lunacy

Incalculable

Insufferable

But for the last time

You're everything that I want and ask for

You're all that I'd dreamed

Who wouldn't be the one you love


Who wouldn't stand inside your love"

-stand inside your love, smashing pumkins

5.2006

"God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime
Remembering when you were mine
In a still suburban town

When every thursday i'd break those mountain passes
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked.

God damn the black night with all it's foul temptation
I become what i always hated
When i was with you then

We looked like giants in the back of my grey subcompact
Fumbling to make contact
As the others slept inside"
-we looked like giants, death cab for cutie


"what hurts the most
is being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away
and never knowing
what could've been
and not seeing that loving you
is what i was trying to do."
-what hurts the most, rascall flatts

"There's really no way to reach me (x3)
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

There's really no way to reach me (x2)
Is there really no way to reach me?
Am I already...

So this is your maverick
This is Vienna"
-vienna, the fray

"Garden wall of eden
Full of spiderbites and all your lovers
We were

We were born to fuck each other
One way or another

But i'll only lie
Down by the waterside at night"

-evening on the ground, iron and wine

"But what you've done here

Is put yourself between a bullet and a target

And it won't be long before

You're pulling yourself away "
-bullet and a target, citizen cope



Sailin' away on the crest of a wave

It's like magic

Rollin' and ridin' and slippin' & slidin'

It's magic


And you, and your sweet desire,

You took me, higher and higher

It's a livin' thing,

It's a terrible thing to lose

It's a given thing

What a terrible thing to lose.

-livin thing, elo


well im sure no one actually read that or really cares but looking back on those lyrics really just brings everything
about this year back like im sitting there all over again. this goes out to the one i love. my life has been changed
because of his presence there and i wouldnt have it any other way. some people just never cease to amaze you more
you could ever have expected. if i died today i could die knowing i have been loved. some would disagree when told
specifics of the situation but to that i say this: it has taken me actually going through it myself to realize,
but it is possible to have true love in the nontraditional sense. just because lies occurred before and because youre
not the only one, that doesnt mean you should invalidate all feelings the other person has expressed. sometimes its
just bad timing. sometimes things dont always work quite the way the world thinks they should. but the world isnt
right and love can exist in many forms in many ways. so to the one i love, thank you. you will never know how
much you mean to me.