accountability

so that was a super long break no? i cant stand to be away from this thing too long. its a good outlet for me, and i honestly dont care whether anyone reads it or not, its just nice to have around.

i just needed a moment.
to step back.
to figure out where i was.


im back now.
but im still trying to step back.
to gain my perspective.
to find my bearings again.

recently there have been several things that have come into my life, left my life, reappeared in my life, changed forms in my life. some of it has been very good and some of it has been very bad. for the most part its been good and im really happy with some of the things that are going on in my life. i suppose what i need (and what im getting right now) is accountability. someone to keep me looking out after myself. someone who makes me want to do the things that i need to do to be the person i want to be. and the funny thing is this person probably has no idea they are that person to me.

and there are others too.

im lucky that i have people looking out for me.

but i suppose true friends owe that to each other. to be accountable. to own up to the things they do. to be strong enough in their relationship that these things that happen in life dont matter all that much ultimately.

this is the foundation of friendship that ultimately can turn to love.

to you i say, it doesnt matter if im here and youre there.
i will wait for you.

and to you i say, it doesnt matter that we're in different places in our lives,
im going to do my best to be your friend.

we have no idea what we do to each other. i mean that in good and bad ways. so i suppose the remedy is just to approach it all with a positive eye. try to follow our instincts and be accountable to each other. its the least and the most we can do.

today was really fun. like genuine good real fun. no crazy stories. no shocking revelations. no scandalous behavior. just spending time with people i really enjoy. im so glad and lucky to have the people i have in my life, and i cant wait to pursue our relationships further this summer. i have this sneaking suspiscion its going to be a really good and really eventful summer.
i cannot wait.

as for now, i think im going to take a little bit of a break from this. its not something i really want to do because ive come to rely on this thing. in my heart of hearts i dont think i should quit because this is supposed to be an expression of my thoughts and while it is redundant and is hypocritical and overdramatic and narcisistic its what im thinking and feeling at the time and i think thats what a blog should be all about. but i think a little break would be nice, for me and for you the reader. i dont know how long itll be, but im sure ill be back when the timing is right, probably not too long from now.

until then i will try to not overplan. i will try to follow my purpose. and i will try to remember that que sera que sera.

you dont have to hit rock bottom to do a 180.

maybe its time i stopped writing on this thing.

i have loved it to death, its become a staple in my life.

but life is one big hypocrisy after another.

and having a written record of what i want my life to be like makes me all the more accountable to myself and to those who read this that i must do what i tell myself im going to do.

i feel like i need answers but i dont know where to find them...or maybe i do but i just cant reach them.

bottom line: its time for me to stop being a drama queen and fix myself.

every passing minute is a another chance to turn it all around.

at midnight last night i went on a date. i got a call from a friend and a few moments later i was whisked away in a car and we went out and came back and it was nothing interesting or exciting.

and afterward i hoped that the way i felt then was an indication of how i was on my way to feeling: not settling for anything less than what i want or deserve.

i have this sneaking suspicion that no one really truly understands what they do to the people around them. from the moment you say hello to each other for the first time, you have a connection. whether that connection lasts for a few seconds of an elevator ride, a few months for a fleeting companionship, or a lifetime of friendship or love, i suppose is up to the circumstances at the time. but the truth is, that when youre in a relationship of any kind with someone, things you do that you could never imagine affecting the other person affect the other person. what you say, what you dont say, what you think, what you write, your body language, the tone of your voice, who else you associate yourself with, these all compile to form this mass of things that have an influence on your relationship with each other.

i suppose its up to the individual to make these circumstances such that they benefit the relationship rather than harm it.

ive been reading again a lot more lately. it makes you see things you didnt realize within yourself. this is what i know for sure. i am ready for unconditional love. it will take some work to learn how to give this kind of love to others, but i hope that one day i can be lucky enough to receive it in return. all anyone can hope to do is receive that kind of love in return.

"getting angry and assigning blame may give us a fleeting sense of power that momentarily relieves our fear, but those feelings originate within us, not with our partner's behavior."

dear friends:
several months ago someone threw me off a building and since then ive just been falling. there's no way to stop it and there's no where to land but the ground...and even on the ground im not sure where i'll end up...and no matter where i end up, i dont know what will happen to me after i land. this is a scary prospect.

i just want to land. im so ready to land. and in the process of all this i really need help. im not so sure i can handle this one solo. i need encouragement, i dont need to feel like an incompetent failure all the time. by the same token, praise and encouragement that isnt genuine is not worth being granted at all...its worthless actually. so im sorry for the way ive been, theres more in my sketchbook i could say, but i dont think it will do any good today.

salami sandwich.

ive found recently that in my spare time i sleep and eat salami sandwiches. im pretty sure salami is awful for you. so much for hottie angie. ill take what i can get. i opened up my dove chocolate today and it said "write a love letter this week." fuck you, chocolate. seriously. i just woke up from my morning nap (to eat a salami sandwich for lunch, of course) and man did i have some crazy dreams. i would describe them, but im pretty sure the persons involved are reading this right now and therefore id rather not discuss.

the third week of school and i finally made it to my photography class. baldwin lee, you are my saving grace, at the end of the day i believe it will be you and possibly only you that makes or breaks ut for me. thats a heavy burden to carry on your shoulders but im pretty sure you dont know i exist right now so we're ok.

the class is amazing though. i think we get to do a little digital too which is good...maybe i can show some sense of forte when that time comes around. im about to go back for lab, where ill develop my prints and fully recognize how bad of a job i did shooting yesterday.

its been cloudy for days, which im actually ok with. but i feel like everyone, myself included, is in a bottomless stupor. we're all facing things. owning up to things. and its not pretty at all. ive got friends who are deciding where they want to be next year, buying apartments or switching schools completely. ive got friends wondering what they should do with their lives and attempting to take control of their destinies. ive got friends deciding what to hold onto and what to let go of, an ultimately life-altering decision. ive got friends who are dealing with loss or possible loss, trying to fight through the pain to get back to the good stuff again.

and what about me? i love these tennessee hills. but i cant wait to get back to georgia...which incidentally sad as it sounds will be this weekend.

ha.

the photobooth.

Well I lost track when those words were said,
you took the wheel and you steered us into my bed,
and soon we woke and I walked you home
and it was pretty clear that is was hardly love.

And as the summers ending,
the cold air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending,
and this is all that's left scraping paper to document.
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.

I have been listless, bored, fidgety, unsatisfied, and extremely moody for the past, geez, week or so. I dont really like feeling this way. At the end of the day, I know I'm facing this huge inevitable question: who the hell are you? Yes im here in tennessee and i have this path to follow where i stay here for four years and i take the classes and maybe i get a little job on the side and thats that and i live in a dorm then i live in an apartment then i graduate and i move on. But life is greater than that. life is bigger than this cookie cutter set we hand ourselves and call it a life plan. so now i find myself bouncing around in this box of possibilities with no real direction anymore. no i dont have to make any decisions about anything in my life right this second, but in a way i do. i take comfort in knowing where im going.

this weekend was my first weekend this year at UT. drews birthday was last night so we went out to dinner which was fun, then afterwards an abundance of festivities ensued. im in college i should do what i want and not feel bad about it at all, but i kinda feel like i dont even like to drink that much. i will. and its fun of course. but i just dont really want to get into that all that much. but sometimes i look around and realize the people that matter most to me are hundreds of miles away. i dont have the stupid things to share with them like i used to. i can no longer spend friday nights having chick flick marathons, crazy scavenger hunts, knoshing over our high school yearbook and sharing all the gossip over a box of famous amos cookies, running around borders at the avenue, or sweeping down to the city for a meal that makes us feel like we're sexy and important. instead now all i have is this plastic tumbler full of God knows what and a few people i trust enough to make sure i or no one else dies out there tonight.

i dont want that life. i dont want the life where i shit my cheap-assed lycra blue jeans every time a frat boy looks my way. i dont want the life where i get my kicks on the weekends simply because i hang out with people i dont know when i have the artificial courage to do so and i dont remember half of what happened anyway. i dont want the life where i live for anything other than whats genuine and true. i dont want the life where i choose my friends based upon who i party with. i dont want the life where i have to paint on this perma-grin smile so that everyone thinks im having the time of my life. i dont want the life where i have to compromise myself.

and that is exactly where i feel myself heading.
and i do not want that.
not one bit.

so what do you do when you find yourself on the path of unrighteousness?

you turn and go.
just turn and go.
turn and GO.
im about ready to go.

I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.



And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

blood rush.

something's missing
and i dont know how im gonna fix it.
something's missing
and i dont know what it is
i dont know
i dont know
i dont know

blood pumps out of your heart around to all the areas of your body. a sudden drop in blood pressure results in a lack of blood in the brain which is potentially dangerous and will cause you to pass out. the heartbeat should be regular. the flow of blood should be regular throughout the body. when the blood rushes out of the head it causes problems.

its no secret ive got a lot on my mind these days. life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go and i cant decide if im willing to let go and move on or if i would rather go with the part of my gut that tells me i need certain people in my life period end of story. i have a year and in addition to that fact right in the middle of that year i have three full months to do whatever the hell i want. so what do i do with them? ive got two options: i could focus on work or i could focus on school. well i'd like to do both. i feel like i should add a class right now this semester. something that could actually transfer credit. or maybe i should get a job. i need to make some money so i can save up for later. travel. do whatever this summer and next year and whatnot. im so scared im running out of time and theres not enough time in the day to figure it all out. but its hard to find a job that doesnt take over your life or interfere with school. but i dont know i think i do better when im busy. and right now i spend hours upon hours each day on the computer just wasting time. i should at least try to make some cash. plus i dont want a job to interfere with my life because i still want to have fun and enjoy college but to be honest with you im not really doing that without a job so maybe a job wouldnt really matter that much. at least then i could have plenty of money for a plane ticket to new york or something of the like. this freaks me out and overwhelms me just thinking about it. midnight tonight is the last opportunity to add classes so i suppose im done for. no more transferable credits will be had for me this semester. maybe i should just go ahead and start my online spanish class. i could do it on thursdays. i could be productive. my fear is i wouldnt be and id procrastinate and fail even a simple stupid online course. i need credits. i would like to do may semester at uga but i dont think theyll let me. theyre so strict down there. but i need kelley and i need a few other people and the people i need and the people who are here are two completely different entities. what if this happens? what if i make a relationship out of this thing? what if it works out? but i cant be here and have that work out. ill never be exactly in the same place, but i should try to be closer. thats stupid. it wont work. and maybe its not worth it. i cannot make the first move. what if thats what im meant to do? what if i miss something? i dont want to miss anything. i dont want to miss the best thing that could have happened to me, the best person who could have happened to me, the best decision i could have made because im too blind to know what that decision is. im so scared right now. scared and alone because no one and i mean no one understands. everyone's got an opinion one way or the other and im the only one thats stuck. i look at my life and all i see is this mass of confusion. my mother reacted a little better than i thought she might but i could tell she wasnt supportive. she said do what you want. before that though she told me i should write. she said i must write, im good at it she said. i dont want to study writing though i told her, i dont even think im that good, fuck i dont even know what im trying to say most of the time. she said i didnt have to study it, i could just do it, i should just do it. when i was little i wanted to be a novelist. then i realized i wasnt really that great of a writer and novelists generally dont make much money. maybe i should enter some writing contests. those things are all over the place. photograhy and writing contests. you have to be careful though, a lot of those things are scams. maybe i could find a book in the library about that. there used to be one on how to market your photography and it had all kinds of contests to enter and i bet theyre all legit. i could just enter contests and make money. the problem with contests is you have to win to make the money, its not like a job where you just show up an do the thing and thats that and you get your money on a nice little piece of paper in the mail and you pay your taxes and you eat your brocolli and thats that. its not like that, you have to win and you have to have material to enter. i dont have that. my mom says its ok that i have more fun when i come home than when im at school. i think she sounded like she was going to cry. i try to try for her and i try to act like im ok even though some days i know im not and maybe she knows im not too but i play this game with her, and i try to get her to believe everythings fine even if im screaming on the inside kind of like i am tonight. my mom said its ok that i have more fun when i come home for the weekend than when im up here and i suppose it kind of makes her happy because it shows her that i actually do miss her and i didnt just forget about her and move on. she says im living in a completely different world now than i was before and shes right, its a very different culture up here. but she said i would get used to it and i'd be ok and kelley'd be ok because we are just the type of people who make friends slowly but they last because theyre the best kind of friends. not like the people in kelleys class she was telling me about that became best friends in like a month. and shes right i dont do that. but im kinda scared of getting too used to things as they are up here. life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go. and im very imbalanced right now. scared as hell. uncertain as fuck.

blood pumps out of your heart around to all the areas of your body. a sudden drop in blood pressure results in a lack of blood in the brain which is potentially dangerous and will cause you to pass out. the heartbeat should be regular. the flow of blood should be regular throughout the body. when the blood rushes out of the head it causes problems.

the blood has rushed out of my head. the walls are closing in. i feel the tinnitus kicking in. im dizzy and hot.

i am passing out.

something's missing.
and i don't know how im gonna fix it.
something's missing.
and i dont know what it is.

i told myself i wouldnt write this entry. or maybe that i would write it and never publish it to the web. but its time. there is a line of tact and poise and intimacy of subject that i probably shouldnt cross here so i dont offend anyone.

fuck that.

i think i wrote recently about the person you are versus the person you want to be. for about the past year or so i have become this person who is quite foreign to me. my whole self as a person has changed, some for the better but some for the worse.

now a year later, i dont want to allow myself to get trapped within that person. i want to break out and find a happy medium that combines the girl i used to be which is the girl i know i am deep down inside and the better positive parts of the girl ive allowed myself to become.

so im working on that.

but i am quickly realizing that i have no idea how to conduct myself anymore.

and this aspect of my problem is something im not going to blame on myself.

you did this to me.

i was fine and then you came along and you did this to me.

you opened my eyes and made me realize a lot of important good things.

but you did this to me.

you took the line my standards and of what is normal and acceptable and you ripped it down and smashed it down into the most filthy parts of the lowest ground.

you did this to me.

and i realize more and more everyday that i dont remember what its like to live in a normal world because ive been caught up in this land of secrets and lies and jealousy and deception and persuasion, and i dont remember what its like to function in the real world anymore.

and you did that to me.

im not discounting the positive meaning you have had and do have in my life, but i dont think i realized until now how much of an impact this liaison has had on me as a person.

and you did this to me.

and you know what? thats fine that you did this to me because i let you do this to me. but where does that leave me now? im alone and uncertain and i dont know how to get out of this way of life.

and im so so sorry, but you did this to me.


im sorry that youll hate me because i wrote this. im just realizing what ive done to myself. what ive allowed be done to me. and i hope that you can understand im just trying to be a better person. to get what i know i deserve. deep down i am classy. i am beautiful. i am a decent person. i deserve something good.

but how can i have the good, when i cant treat myself like im worth a dime?

under pressure.

this weekend:
-uga
-transmet
-inappropriate dinner convo
-orange juice and cranberry
-scrounging around for vending machine change
-the car ride with cole
-firehouse and sketchy onlookers
-blueberry bomb
-the britneys
-late night chats
-"im glad he didnt try to *** ** *** or i would have ****** on *** ****."
-changing and brushing teeth in car
-ten minutes in millegville
-85 north (85 doesnt go north guys)
-tennis
-70 degree weather in mid january
-i love new york/mr boston
-qt and the drunk uga kids
-slushies
-teens making out on the car with the baby inside
-under pressure
-the blanket
-the confused foreign people at the toll booth

two and a half tanks of gas and 984 miles later i find myself back in room 305 sitting in my desk chair like none of these things ever happened.

i dont know what when on in my dorm room this weekend. theres some suspicious looking paraphenalia that i can only make up stories about its purpose right now. despite whatever craziness may have happened i dont mind that i missed the madness and the scandal because im really glad i went to georgia this weekend, both uga and roswell. i feel like now im finally ready to start off the semester and really get things going but at the same time, i may be more confused now than i ever was before. i thought i might utilize the 3.5 hour drive to figure my thoughts out, but no such luck because even if i had figured them out, as soon as i got back here to ut they became all jumbled up again.

what if there are just certain people in your life you just have to be around? they just mean so much to you and play such a crucial role in your life that you must be around them? and what if you have people like that and you cant be around them? what if you made a mistake? you took the wrong path? what if you choose the wrong person? what if you end up somewhere you dont want to be?

fuck.

the thing i keep thinking about is my friends up here in tennessee. they go home for breaks and end up getting bored or generally dissatisfied and cant wait to get back up here. going home is almost a chore for them and theyve generally lost touch with all high school friends who arent at ut.

me, i go home and let the fun begin. i feel like my home life is much more exciting than my college life. all the fun all the scandal all the love all the good times with friends happen when im home it seems.

this could be because i need to get out there more up here at ut. it could be because im not working hard enough to make friends here. but what if that isnt it? what if this just isnt my cup of tea? what if i need the people i need to be around me to be around me? college is the time of your life im not having right now. much of the randomness, the silliness, the comfort, the love, just the day to day feeling of knowing someone is there is just completely gone from me right now.

im so scared of doing the wrong things. making the wrong decisions. but i dont know whats right and whats wrong anymore. something that seems perfect one minute becomes shameful the next. a path that seems like the right one becomes a bottomless pit.

i thought i could get it together this semester, but it appears its just the SOS. hurting myself and making others hate me and turn against me in the process. over and over and over again.

if its any indication how confused and unsure i am, just read this post over again and look at the change in tone and mood as it progresses onward.

i dont really know what do anymore.

gettin some random play.

last night i drove down from the knox on a somewhat last minute whim to go down and see my loves at uga. i always enjoy going to uga because its so much fun to hang out with literally almost all of my friends in the more free and fun college environment. for the past several months, i have questioned why i didnt just buck up and go to uga myself. things would certainly be a lot easier and the adjustment process would sure be much easier. i would have a much easier time networking. my campus would be much more diverse. id probably have a bigger dorm room with a bigger window. im also fairly sure id be in a relationship, with whom im unsure, but i would be in a relationship. the truth of the matter is however, i made my decision and though from time to time i feel like maybe i made the wrong one, i have to deal with whatever i chose because i kind of feel at this point that so long as i dont want to be in college forever, transferring is not a realistic possibility. but no matter all that serious stuff, i had an awesome time last night. from our inappropriately loud and sexual dinner conversation at transmet, to watching 40 year old virgin in jax's room, the robyn breaking the seal in more ways than one, to our farfrompuken stickers, to are we having fun yet? in inappropriate places, to annoying cole with our craziness, to getting down at firehouse and getting stared at by sketchy guys, to late night conversations and all the around and in between, it was probably the most fun ive had in a while. that being said...

sometimes i have to remind myself im in college. and therefore certain things are ok. they are acceptable. its ok to have fun, to be stupid, to be a little crazy, to get wild. its ok. im in college and therefore certain things are ok.

i have come to realize lately that some of the things i mark as mistakes or blunders in judgement are actually just litte anecdotes i can tell later that will remind me of all the lessons ive learned along the way and all the things i used to take for granted. maybe one of these days i wont have the kinds of friends i have now to lean upon. i wont feel the butterflies of the moment that hangs before your first kiss with a new love. i wont be able to reexperience the joy of moving out on my own for the first time.

the truth is, we're all just a bunch of virgins running around waiting to mark ourselves up so we have all these experiences under our belts. we dont get this time or this lifestyle back again. so yeah, maybe you get hurt, maybe you make a mistake, maybe you feel stupid, but the important thing is you did it. its all part of the ride.

i encourage myself to take advantage of the random in order to make my life somewhat interesting : )

cookie.

"we're all artists painting an infinite canvas
and we're running short on paint."

i dont know the person who wrote those words and i probably never will. a friend of a friend. but i thought it was so well put that i had to include it here even if its plagarism.

i saw this thing on the today show over break about dieting and how to lose those pounds in the new year. there were two dieting divas on there and one of their tips was this: eat the cookie. you know you want the cookie and until you get the cookie all you will do is think about the cookie and stuff your face with more unsatisfactory foods because you cant have the cookie. so let yourself have the cookie. give yourself what you want in the first place so you dont have to struggle with yourself over a cookie.

now im a big proponent of cookies, so i believe that cookies are good for all, and unlike cookie monster i believe cookies in fact are good all the time, but this idea extends way beyond a simple dessert...this is life.

what if you dont do what you want? maybe you decide youll do what you want later? but what if later there are no cookies left or, even worse, theres no you left? why do we put ourselves through this? we know what we want, we know what our dreams are, we know where we want to go, how we want to spend our time, who we want to be with, who we want to love...but we dont go. for some reason we deprive ourselves because we think we shouldnt or we think it best to wait.

the metaphor is stupid, but eat the cookie.

i was born with a number of days. the number never increases, but each day it decreases by one. one of these days the number will be zero and that will be it. i dont know when zero hits, but if zero hits and its all said and done and i cant say i did what i wanted, then what point was there to it all? i'd be dead and hungry, unfulfilled.

eat the damn cookie.

youll love it.

it's not morning till you go to sleep.

do you ever feel like youre living two lives?

maybe its the school and home versions of yourself.

maybe its you as a daughter or son and you as your peers see you.

maybe its who you are and who you wish you were.

for once i cant fit my future, both near and distant future, into a neat little plan for myself, and this is a very frustrating thing for me to cope with. what i want and the way i act dont coagulate well. i just feel like theres something missing, and if only i could figure out what that thing was, and obtain that thing for myself, maybe things would finally fall into place.

my heart and my body are in two different places doing two very different things.

my heart wants to be an amazing person others cant help but want to be around. my heart wants me to have lots of friends and find talking to and indentifying with people very easy. my heart wants me to do what is right and be a genuinely good peron. my heart wants me to be likeable. my heart wants me to be unafraid. my heart wants to find someone to love.

but my body is sitting at a desk in south carrick talking to my keyboard once again, wondering what im gonna do until im comfortable again.

never gone.

i cant believe almost a month has gone by since i loaded up the jetta and plodded my way home to see my loves. each day has moved by very quickly, but as a whole when i think back on all that has happened, it does indeed seem like a month has passed. this break was neccesary and amazing, and it came at a great time. as a result of the things that have happened to me in the past few weeks, several things have changed:

_im on the same page with a friend and i finally feel free of the burden our relationship as it has been has put upon me. and i feel like we're good to go as bffs.
_i realize that im not the shit and ive got a lot of work to do. ive lost a lot of my creativity to mediocrity and ive got to dumb myself back down and get back to the basics to revive myself.
_the people who are important to me are so important to me, and i need to make a greater effort to stay in touch and to care for the ones i really love.
_making new friends or becoming closer friends with people you know but arent that close to can be a very rewarding experience.
_sometimes you cant be the stronger person. sometimes you need someone else to give you that final definitive "no" that you need to hear to finally rid yourself of a demon.
_in the love department, its time to dumb that down too. i need to be more careful with my heart, not get too attached to quickly and take things very very slow. make friends and see what goes from there.
_i need to put myself out there and meet lots of people. i dont have to end up hanging out with them or even liking them, but at least give meeting them a shot.
_whatever is meant to happen will. dont push anything thats not meant to be.
_stop being so afraid.

im not sad or happy about going back to ut. im a little uneasy because i dont know how this semester is going to go. it bothers me that i dont know when ill be able to come home again. i dont know when ill see certain people again. i dont even know what exactly the classes im enrolled in are. but as ashley so poignantly put in the slideshow kelley and i watched this afternoon before she headed out athens, "yay its college, we're going out, we're just moving on, its life."

this is our life now. i feel like a hobo sometimes, pack all my shit and move up to tennessee, pack it all back up to go home, bring it back again. nothing is permanent anymore. nothing is certain. nothing is guaranteed. nothing can be predicted.

thats not college. thats life.

so this is what it feels like.

tonight was pretty cool...sorry i didnt feel like uploading the pics right at the moment, but tonight was a great close to the break. we went and got greg who was sad and playing sims all afternoon from the marta station and then came back for some major catch phrase action. for once there was an equal number of guys and girls...it was almost unheard of in my house. wooooo. its kind of funny how much the group i hung out with while in town has shifted throughout the break. the people i frequented toward the beginning of the break are completely different than the people i found myself hanging out with in the end. i love it and i hope my college experience becomes more like my roswell experience with time.

i think the thing i need to keep in mind this semester is how you never really know someone until you know someone. the people you pass judgment on or dont take the time to get to know could end up being your best friends. the shy girl or guy everyone looks past could be your new best friend, you just dont know. friends are awesome and having good ones is even better, and in the industry i find myself a part of, its all about who you know. so its time for me to cultivate those relationships...meet lots of people, and build relationships with others that are slowly growing strong relationships.

and i feel like slowly but surely im getting there. im finding myself again. im getting away from all the shit i put myself through and all the wrongs ive done and all the messes ive made and all the thoughts ive had and all the worst things i let myself believe.

and thisssss is what it feels like.

this is what it feels like to be comfortable. this is what it feels like to be detatched from constraints. this is what it feels like to not have to lie. this is what it feels like to be seen in public with your friends and have that be ok. this is what it feels like to be random. this is what it feels like to not be ashamed of the relationships you have with other people.

and thisssss is how its supposed to feel.

you may tire of me as our december sun is setting cause im not who i used to be.

i watched my haigwood coworkers get sauced tonight. then jeremy and i got pulled over by a cop because jeremy was "dragging" and the cop thought i was jeremy's wife/girlfriend. i soon find out jeremy has weed in his ashtray. damn loser. fortunately the cop didnt. two tickets later we move onto jocks and jills. after that i drove to roswell, but i had to pee so bad so i went to the studio where belton was shooting kids golf bags and then i was starving because i didnt realize i was meeting jeremy and the gang for a "liquid dinner" so belton and i went to the peachtree diner and dished about what was on our minds, namely romantic relationships. for me it was regret and confusion about past relationships, lack of a current relationship, and a desire to be in a such a relationship at this point in my life. for belton it was confusion and emotional agony over a current relationship.

the break is closing in on me, i feel it tighten its final grasp stronger and stronger each day. although im ready to go back, im not at the same time. i kinda feel like things are really just getting started here. if i had to stay here another month i would be completely content with that.

i see now with more clarity than ever the person i dont want to be anymore and the person that i finally feel im ready to be. i think maturity isnt about reaching a certain shoe size, it isnt about getting a certain job, it isnt about using a certain set of vocabulary, its about accepting yourself for what youre destined to be. its about seeking whats truly best for you and making amends with all your inner demons. so maybe its time to grow up in that way.

closing time
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
yeah.
i know who i want to take me home so take me home.

pay it forward.

so basically i love my friends. all of them. the past few days have been really awesome, just chilling out with people who already know my story and know my past. last night was the annual christmas shindig, better late than never. much better than last year when we knitted and went to bed at 9 o'clock. what redeemed this year's event you ask? oh many things my friend. could've been the crazy drunk birthday woman at bennihana who told me i believed in fairies and talked ashleys ear off and believed we were all offending japanese culture and cried about the dick hat and hit the waiter, could've been the late night facebooking and im-ing, could've been the frape drinks that might as well be 90-proof alcohol, could've been running around outside in the yard and dancing and falling over at midnight, could've been playing dress up in ashley's treasure trove of a room, my best guess is it was a combination of these things.

i can feel the end of the break lurking right around the corner. its a bittersweet kinda thing. i've had a lot of fun and there's several people i wish i could be around more on a daily basis, but i suppose it is time to move along.

with the new year its time to pay it forward. someone gave something to me last year. gave me love. gave me a chance. gave me confidence. gave me a reason to live my life with the volume turned up just a tad. so its my turn. pay it forward. i know how much what ive been given has meant to me, its time for me to bring the confidence bring the attention bring the love to someone else.

that crazy moon.

tonight was one of those random interesting evenings...usually the best kind. pics of greg. hanging out with kelley and greg and jordan (webb thank you very much) at the studio. steak and shake and kelley and greg street racing suv style. walter the redheaded waiter. barging into brians house at 1230. whaaaat?

why dont i go to school with these people?

i got home and as greg so avidly pointed out (and afterward the four of us stood observing for forever until brian ran us out) the moon was amazing tonight. so bright it lit up the entire night. it felt like morning was approaching faster than it should, and at 230 am when i got home i suppose it was.

and on the first day of the rest of my life, morning is closer than i think.

clean slate.

well its 2007 hard to believe. the past year has been a very bittersweet one. so many new amazing experiences coupled with the death of so many things. but now that year is over. now i have passed the introductory part of college, left a few things behind, grown so much as a person, and now its time to move foward.

i have a clean slate.

its just like when you start a new class. everyone's got a one hundred.

its up to you to fuck it up.

but we're not going to talk about fucking things up because we're not going to fuck anything up. thats just how its going to be.

its time to chase my dream. meet the people that complete me. keep up with the ones who already do. fall in love. become a better person.

its time to stop looking back and start moving forward.

the 2007 manifesto.

12.29.2005

12.29.2006
so this is the new year.

and i feel so different.

"you will recieve in return the amount of forgiveness you give to others. leave behind a few uneccesary things in 2006 and 2007 will be the best year youve ever had." -ernest easley

ok so im going to start this off by explaining the pictures. basically, my life is one big circle. a pretty boring circle too. on friday i went out to dinner with my parents. i wore my v neck little black dress. exactly one year to the date before, i went out to dinner with my parents. i wore my v neck little black dress. crazy crazy crazy. onward.

today is the last day there will ever ever be in 2006. it has been a mighty interesting year, here are the hilights:

+swim team captain
+fell in love for the first time
+aiken prom and such
+florida trip with adawg and kelley
+haigwood studios
+roswell prom
+graduation and all the exhausting parties
+won 2 photography competitions
+the 2 J mistakes
+saying goodbye
+the angie hotel
+haigwood studios summertime
+meeting new people ive known forever
+bday madness with kelley
+going to college
+305/305 parties
+greg @ UT
+alex and heather @ UT
+visits home and to uga
+falling in love all over again with an idea
+photography photography photography
+thanksgiving and christmas break
+being totally bitchin

mr steve sparling said the other day that he heard if you make it to thanksgiving freshman year of college without too many internal wounds, youll be a-ok the rest of the way. i think he's right. i felt it when i was here for thanksgiving, that sense of change. that sense of no longer belonging here nor there. then i went back and things just seemed more natural, better. around that time i became aware of a lot of other things as well. the wheels were turning in my soul, corny i know, but true. the pieces of all the issues and struggles ive dealt with over the past few months, or even year are finally starting to come together.

essentially i felt like this year was a kind of rebellion period for me. i rebelled against the kind of life i thought i was being told to live. i rebelled against the things i hated about myself. i rebelled against my concept of the rules. i rebelled against what was socially acceptable at times. i rebelled against who i was. out of rebellion comes immense growth, but for a girl like me rebellion typically only goes so far. at the end of the day im not a badass im not edgy im not cool and im not a more interesting person as a result of the things ive done...not neccesarily anyway.

so i learned. i learned about making mistakes. i learned about photography. i learned about the male sex. i learned about saying goodbye. i learned about inner strength. i learned about heartache. i learned about being alone. i learned about loving others. and ultimately these are the things that matter because when you stop learning that means youre dead.

and im not dead yet.
im not dead yet.
im not dead yet.

ive learned so much from the wonderful people im so fortunate to have in my life. you all have truly graced me with your presence and i am truly thankful to each and every one of you for what you have meant to me and what you have done for me.

ultimately it comes downt to this: i am at the primetime of my life. this is when all the exciting, life-altering shit goes down. i go to college. i make a career for myself. i move somewhere awesome. i set out to chase my dreams. maybe i even fall in love.

i see these things now. its your life, but youve only got one.

if i learned anything i could say i learned that my life is my own. now being off at college on my own, i see that i am truly the captain of my fate or however that poem goes. i make the decisions that i have to clean up the shit because of. i have to deal with the results of what i do, so i should make the results something i want to deal with...and i can. i can! this year has made me see that my dreams are only as unrealistic and far away as i allow them to be in my mind. i believe its time to stop approaching life with a roll over and play dead mentality and start milking it for all its worth.

new years resolutions:

+work out...seriously i could be hot if i got off my computer for five seconds and did something with myself.

+eat veggies more

+end the rebellious period. this does not mean stop taking risks or stop doing crazy things. this just means stop doing things just for the sake of shock value. i need to learn to do what i want, but make sure i know what i want before i take any course of action. i would like to start going to church regularly again, and when i do go, listen and apply what is said. i need to find God again. i want to have healthier more stable relationships (slowww ones haha)

+meet more people. more outgoing.

+read more. learn about all kinds of things.

+proceed and succeed in photography. network and take a strong course of action this summer. gain new skills and technical knowledge and work on pulling out my sense of creativity...i know its there i just cant seem to find it. take lots of pictures. good ones.

+travel whenever realistically possible.

+dont let the future scare me.

+make money for later...and save it...dont spend it all on clothes dangit.

+stay in touch with the ones i love no matter where they or i go.

+enjoy my days instead of treating them like to do list items. laugh and smile more.

+get some art skills so my peers will actually take me seriously.

+pull up the good ole gpa.

+be totally bitchin. again.

happy new year everyone. may 2006 leave you changed. may you leave all your shit behind and make this one the best year yet.

today was a good day visiting with some good people. went to sarahs, then to the park with ash then over to deb and franks. then i came home and watched the last kiss. this film got mixed reviews and was criticized for not living up to the so-called grandeur of garden state, but i actually loved this movie. though i feel like the characters were on the verge of being a bit too archetypal, i think the movie explored the reality of growing up and settling into adult life, which is something i think our generation will find more difficult than those of our parent's generation. it was honest and blunt and i appreciated that. the movie explores something that i am somehow oddly fascinated with which is the often shallow or hollowness of relationships in modern society. it seems like people just get bored and its just not important enough anymore to try to keep things going...this makes me so sad. i suppose however its better to recognize it for what it is rather than to be caught off guard by the way things seem to be. its funny, one day i want to be in a relationship, then the next day i think about all that entails and what i know based on past experiences and i think this is just not for me. i suppose it doesnt matter, you cant make relationships happen anyway, so even if i did want something it doesnt mean it would happen. but i suppose the question in my mind is whether or not i should even look for something like that or just turn myself off. well either way no midnight new years kiss again for angie...but maybe thats a good thing.

she told me it was razor burn.

i think i forgot what it was like to hang out with a group of people i already know, already understand, already recongize their history, their quirks, their likes, their dislikes. i forgot what it was like to have that kind of special relationship with others. having it, in a word, is awesome.

yesterday started out a little frustrating because i had several cancellations for pictures and my day was in this kind of limbo of doing nothing, but finally things got going. i went to katherine's house and had conversations with her mom and took fascall for a walk. then i went to rq's house and hung out with her and joseph. they are so much fun to be around, they don't take anything too seriously and seem to be just having a good time basically all the time. after that we went to amanda's and after she took the longest route possible (reminiscent of our florida trip from last year) we ended up at miller's ale house whatever the hell that is. we ended up with a sketchy waiter, as usual, who "really liked my camera" and we ended up playing trivia...and winning! go cardinals we kicked she told me it was razor burns ass...yeah so we made a few phonecalls on the last few questions, adam was no help anyway so he shouldn't even count. lets hope miller ale house has not shut down so that this summer we can go back and use our $45 gift certificate there haha.

kelley i hope one day you can serve me some ale...and no, you won't card me...and yes you should drink all the ale of the people that should have come but didn't show.

hands clean.

ANOTHER Christmas comes to pass. each Christmas has its own unique vibe or feeling, but this one certainly did, as my life is very different than it was last year. the friends i have hear now or composed more of who i make the effort to keep in touch with rather than those i see everyday. something about Christmas being over always leaves me feeling a little empty. all that build up and excitement just for a few lone hours of activity. but afterwards despite the sadness i feel refreshed, like the new year has already begun and its the time to make those changes and start all over again. with new clothes, new equipment and new classes i feel like im more prepared to get closer to that person i so badly want to be. i still have half of my break left to go, but thus far this has been a very cleansing break. cutting off rough edges of my relationships with certain people, cutting off certain relationships completely, creating or solidifying relaitonships that are new to me, discovering the worst parts of myself and better understanding what i must do to get where i want to be.

i looked at my anne leibovitz book last night. i also looked through a fellow UT student's photography and graphic design stuff online. not getting the job with waldorf was certainly a humbling experience, and that coupled with the feedback ive been getting from others about my work lately has made me realize that i am in way over my head. you can't make creativity. you can't learn how to be creative. you can make yourself better at something but you can't make yourself be creative. and being good and being creative are two very different things. what if im not good enough? what if i dont have the ability to compete with all the creative genuises in my field? truth be told i dont have it. sometimes i feel like an imposter trying to make mountains out of mole hills.

do i have it in me?

the antipassion generation.

i had another panic attack today. i am not completing all three sides of my so called "wellness triangle" its mainly the exercise part i'm lacking. and the sleep part. and the regular eating part...damn im screwed. that being said i really should go to sleep because that would help me out...but it's Christmas and i have to write a pre-gift giving christmas post, naturally.

24 hours from now will be the worst feeling in the world. the post Christmas feeling...that's always the worst, nothing left to look foward to. this year will be a little different though.

so i know what im getting for Christmas this year, a Metz flash and hopefully nothing else, but theres one other thing i want and it sucks because i know ill never get it, and that is this:

passion.

sounds stupid, but i have come to realize that i live in a generation that lacks passion for everything. we dont understand the value and neccesity of hard work because we've never really had to work very hard to get what we want. guys dont do the whole chivalry deal because they dont have to, we girls will throw ourselves at any potential male that comes our way. in such a disposable fast-paced world we think that if something doesnt work out we can just toss it aside because something better and different will surely come along. we lack that drive to make the things we want work. we feel like if things dont throw themselves on a silver platter in front of us theyre not worth having. this is so not true.

so my Christmas and New Years wish for all of us is that we may live our lives with undying passion. things may get a little off course, we may miss the mark initially, but you must you must you must fight for what you want.

live your life with passion.

black sheep.

first of all, before i begin this entry i would like to wish a happy one year anniversary to none other than this blog. im not sure what led to begin this thing, but i think i was inspired by jenny's bold and always entertaining literary ventures online and decided to make something of my own. a year later is had turned into a fixture in my life. i contemplated topics for entries during the day, and i almost need this thing to get me through the day. this blog is very special to me in that it is so much more than just a simple journal. its a journey in words, pictures, music and feedback from the readers and because of this, it evokes memories of the past year so much more vividly and clearly. the memories that this blog accounts are priceless to me, and i feel very fortunate to have such a detailed record of this crazy time in my life. and thank you also to all of you who have kept up with me in all my emotional frenzie throughout the last year. may we continue on for yet another year of angie goodness (and badness for that matter)

now on with the entry.



It's the same place I've been so many times before. The pink and blue tiled supershower in her grandmother's back bathroom. No one really uses it anymore since her knees gave out and everyone else got too old for baths. At 19 I find myself back in this familiar place. This room. This house. This town. Nothing really changes here, just small things. Small things like a new monitor for the computer, the old Winn Dixie closed, and someone else got robbed last week. It's really all just the same old story when you think about it. After a 15 minute struggle between the hot and cold knobs of the pink and blue tiled supershower, I reach outside for a towel just to find I didn't get one. Fuck, I hate it when I do that. After locating a towel I realize the mirrors are too fogged up for any assimilation of hair or makeup. I put the lid down and take a seat on the pink toilet to wait this out. This old house has no ventilation. I could open up the window to let the steam out, but there might be a scary black man outside in the back yard. I pop up to the window just to make sure the shutters are closed and lo and behold, there IS a scary black man outside in the back yard. Great timing Scary Black Man, I'm going to close the shutters now lest you see too much of Angie today. I wonder to myself, "who would want to live here?" It seems like everyone who is here is stuck here for one reason or another. Some bound by spouses, farming jobs, others just hoping this will be a reasonable locale to wait to die. I wonder if they ever thought it would end like this. If this, this place, this life, was all they ever wanted, or did they have greater hopes and dreams and just fell short? Is this the destiny for all of us to end up in some slow junk dead town with no hope, or is it only the fate of those who let it come to them this way? What if this is me?

I look back out the window, Scary Black Man is gone, or at least he's found himself a decent hiding spot, and the mirror is somewhat unfogging itself. I wrap my hair up in a towel, turban style, and set about to do my makeup.

Moisturizer. Don't forget Angie, this is where you come from, you can't escape that. You came from these people. You have their nose, their chin, their close-minded disposition, maybe even a little of their racism...I mean you did just automatically name the confused indidual roaming your grandmother's backyard Scary Black Man.

Concealer. I know I came from these people, but it doesn't mean I have to be like them. Sure, they have many admirable qualities. I admire their faith. I wish I had that. I need that. I've been jaded in more ways than they will understand. I'm not better than them, but I feel as though I must take control of my fate such that I do whatever it is that I want with my life, and most importantly that I don't spend my days waiting on something to happen to me, whether it be life or death.

Eye liner. How bad do you want this? How bad do you really want to change yourself?

Eye shadow. I'm realizing more and more everyday how much work I need to do on myself. I want this pretty damn bad. There are many changes I need to make to succeed.

Powder. Take it all in. All of this. The trailer parks, the crime, the small town gossip, the cotton fields, the beautiful southern starry night sky, the wisdom of your grandparents, the death of a once beautiful small American town. Take it all in. You'll need to carry all these things with you. They are a part of you and you can learn from them. Maybe you're wiser than a lot of those city folk because you know what it's like on the other side.

Hair dryer. You my dear, are the black sheep of this family. You have red hair and no one knows where it came from. You are going to school for art, who the hell does that? You wear your jeans low, and if they only knew you went out with a black boy once upon a time, oh man the shit would really hit the fan then. The kudzu growing on your family tree, that is what you are. This is not an admirable place to be, but you must do the best with what you have where you're at, and in this case, my darling, that means you must grow up to be amazing.

I look at myself in the flourescent light with the pink and blue tile as my backdrop. As I and everyone else gets older I can't help but wonder each time I find myself here in this place, how many more times I will find myself here in this place. How many more journeys I will make before her or my time comes. So what if you were to die in two years, Angie, the truth is you're not dead yet. You are not dead yet. So until they put you in the ground you fight for it. Whatever it is you want, fight for it with all you have.

Then when you die, you can say you tried. You can say you didnt sit around the slow junk dead town with no hope, waiting for life or death to happen to you, whichever comes first.

In life and death there are no guarantees, except that death is certain and life isn't. "If you don't like being here, don't put yourself in a place like this," I tell myself.

I look at myself in the flourescent light with the pink and blue tile as my backdrop, and the girl in front of me says goodbye, its time to move along.

i'll be near you.

this picture is just for you, special manfriend who will remain nameless. you know who you are.

so maybe i am.

i didnt do a damn thing today. i really didnt. but what i did do was actually see my parents for more than five seconds. i took these pictures. i reflected, which is usually a bad thing. and although my reflections were bittersweet, as i realized how truly much i love all the people here and the life i once had here, i'm coming to terms with how that part of my life is over and i must move along in my new place, and hope and plan a new life, in hopes that i should be lucky enough that it could include some of these great individuals. and it can. it doesn't have to end here.

its Christmas i think i forgot that. despite all the music and the decorations and the copious amounts of christmasy foods liek the pepperidge farm baskets, the cheap wine, the spiced pecans, toffee, chex mix and all the rest it just doesnt feel the same and therefore i feel like it isnt Christmas. but if i can make it through my trip to bama without to many battle scars then i should be ok and i get to move on to the fun part: giving all these gifts ive been running around getting.

i'm so excited for tomorrow, i think its going to be an all around great day.

it feels nice to be happy.

headlock.

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault

Though the lyrics are overtly sexual in nature, they pretty much describe the last 7 to 11 months of my life. the inward struggle that results from doing the things you know you shouldnt. eventually it wears on you and you seek a more righteous path. the problem is, the pendelum swings to the farthest reaches of that direction as well, and you feel the need to cut off yourself from it all.

im in the process of finding that happy medium place, and for once it may actually be working. i am better than all the shit ive allowed myself to do in the last little while and its time for me to change that. although ive only been home for slightly over a week, i've come to terms with so many things in my life, and its felt so relieving. finally i get to be with people i know and who i can feel comfortable with. i know for sure where i stand with certain people...and where i dont stand with some as well.

to put it simply, its been calming, reassuring and lovely. these people have been there for me for years and years and with that kind of history, you dont just move away and end things forever. i still need them just as much as i did 4 months ago.

im absolutely loving this series im working on right now. capturing the essence of the ones i hold dear is just exactly what i want to be doing right now.

oh look its my id, ego and superego doing their thing again. this may be the most scandalous blog picture yet. its how i feel. ive always been fascinated with the struggle between good and evil. where we draw the line.

im so excited to be home for winter break. for once i am here and i dont have to count down the days until i leave or cram all kinds of laundry list activities in before i have to head back up to the knox.i am just here and i love being here. my bed feels orgasmically wonderful...and its not 12 feet off the ground. the food is good. and more importantly i love the people im going to get to see. however, for the first time i felt like i was actually leaving something behind. tonight helen is going to watch a meteor shower and i wish i could be there. i have another life in tennessee now, and im finally ready to recognize that.

today was an interesting day. i went and saw a few old friends. i took the long way home and in some way i think things are falling into place as they should. at least for now.

respect is something people earn. with some the respect others have for them diminishes as time passes. im all too afraid that my friends have less respect for me now than they did a year, or even just a few months ago because of the way i have acted and conducted myself recently. however there are some who gain more and more respect with time. today, i experienced losing respect for myself and gaining respect for a friend. looks like im incapable of being the bigger person. but im lucky enough to have friends who will be with me along the way, at least until they stop wanting to deal with my shit.

i got home to an empty house tonight. the tree needs to be decorated and that is apparently my job. but instead i took this picture. then i made myself a grilled cheese. then i thought for awhile. for the past few months ive been searching. reading books, looking through anthologies, searching the internet, plotting, thinking. hoping to find some course of action for a series in photography for the christmas break. at first i was hopeful, then uncertain, then baffled, then i didnt care anymore, i was passionate, then i completely abandoned all hope and the answer was staring me in the face all along....

every relationship you have with others leaves you a changed person. others allow us to see how we want or dont want to be in our own lives or help us or hurt us in our interactions with others. coming back here and seeing everyone after an extended period of time reminds me of all ive been taught by these wonderful people who have surrounded me for the past 7 years. they have shaped me to be who i am today and each has taught me something i hope to never forget. so in celebration of that. i want to bring you a series of potraits. poignant, beautiful, real and true, along with the message each individual brings with them. this is my idea and i hope that it will be a worthwhile and visually stunning journey.

there is much more to say. i have missed writing this over the past few days. but dont worry, youll here enough from me in the days to come.

[the above are instances of kleptomania at its finest]

only one more day. two exams i am ill prepared for. im getting a c in math most likely. i took the easiest one i could. who was i kidding that i could go to a better school than UT. i cant even focus enough to study anymore. this is worse than high school. one more day. then the job interview my entire mood and finance is resting on right now. then home home home home home.

i just realized that whenever i do get home im going to have nothing to talk about. no untold stories from college. no secret innermost thoughts or feelings. theyre all here for everyone to read. everyone knows already. this will be a great time for me to shut the hell up and listen to whats going on in everyone else's life.

fuck you fuck you and all we've been through.

there are certain times when i am going along my merry little way and i realize that i am just a stupid little girl and thats all there is to it. just stupid. my world is so small. so naive. so inexperienced. so uncultured. so small.

sometimes you only think of your little microcosm. your selfish desires. your thoughts. your feelings. but other people do actually exist. and sometimes, your paths dont cross, things dont work out, people change, conflict occurs.

sometimes the best thing you can tell yourself is a simple yet firm no.

winter break take me where you will. im sure i will return a changed girl.