the angie playlist.

due to increased ipod usage, ive started thinking about my absolute favorite songs which stand the test of time. so though im not sure why i decided to make a list of them and ill share it with you today. enjoy. (ps: leave your musical opinions at the door, if you care to refute then get your own blog...smooches!)

(no particular order)

_so contagiously-acceptance
_summer breeze-seals and croft
_funeral for a friend-elton john
_romulus-sufjan stevens
_when you come back down-nickel creek
_tiny vessels-death cab for cutie
_whiskey lullaby-allison kraus and brad paisley
_closing time-semisonic
-dont panic-coldplay
_the devil in the wishing well-five for fighting
_let go-frou frou
_no such thing-john mayer
_the remedy-jason mraz
_todays the day-aimee mann
_chances are-sheryl crow
_sparks-coldplay
_not myself-john mayer
_brothers on a hotel bed-death cab for cutie
_colorblind-counting crows
_cannonball-damien rice
_vienna-the fray
_here is gone-the goo goo dolls
_goodnight and go-imogen heap
_naked as we came-iron and wine
_the prettiest thing-norah jones
_constellations-jack johnson
_tonight tonight-smashing pumpkins
_ill be near you-ivy
_slow dancing in a burning room-john mayer
-the trapeze swinger-iron and wine
-true love waits-radiohead
_a bad dream-keane
_float on-modest mouse
_speak-nickel creek
_trying-lifehouse
_1979-smashing pumpkins
_mississippi-train
_blue-perfect circle

so yeah its not an exhaustive list and obviously im not very hardcore, but
thats me...

quasi fiction.

she wakes up in the box and wonders, is this it?

everyone says the life she left behind is much more routine and predictable than the one she has now. now you get to make your own decisions, they tell her. she wonders if this is really true. she thinks back over the past three days and the grandest decision she can credit herself to is a startling yet firm choice she made when she forwent a pop tart in favor of a cookie last night.

maybe life never really changes, she thinks, maybe its all just the same just different. higher stakes, more candles on the birthday cake, more wrinkles around the eyes, more hearbreak under the belt. maybe life is just one big high school all over again.

she wakes up in the box and wonders, is this it?

the letters are off the window, and from a girl who reveals little into her personal life this says a lot. the letters are off the window and a decision has been made. now what. the girl who sleeps next to the girl wakes up in the box too and wonders, is this it?

the girl thinks back to days gone by as she slathers some of that country crock shit on her bagel. she knows she shouldnt think back. it never accomplishes anything and it never helps, but nevertheless she does.

she thinks back to the times when she knew what her life was. the days when she laughed till she cried and she enjoyed the time she had with the ones she loved. she thinks about the regrets she had, the mistakes she made, the things she wishes she could erase and realizes even if she had the chance, she'd never take the bulk of it back. she thinks back to the time when the future was an ambiguous object off in the distance, so far away grasping it was unthinkable.

the girl sits in her desk with her butter-substitute-shit-covered bagel. the dark is only disrupted by the sharp glow of a desk lamp.

the girl realizes that this ambigious object way off in the distance, the future, is no longer far away. but unlike a road sign or a billboard, the future has not become clearer with decreasing distance. it remains its own illusive mystery, and rather than becoming clearer it simply adds components. components to take into account. pieces of an infinite puzzle that will never be solved because the pieces never stop coming.

she sits in her box with her shit bagel and her desk lamp and her dirty clothes and her dusty shelf and her color wheel and her exposed film and her trash can and she wonders if she should be here.

maybe this was all a mistake.

maybe it wasn't.

but maybe it was.

she sits in her box with her shit bagel and her sketchbook and her memories and her obscure dreams and her tube of wrinkle cream that says its going to make all her troubles go away and she wonders, what now?

the girl sleeping next to her took the letters off the window. the letters are off the window, that says something. a decision has been made. this is all too much for her and she, like the girl, has no idea what to do with this obscure object that is never in focus completely.

the future.

its not unlike the present and its very much not unlike the past. but it is neither the present nor the past, it is something else. unlike the shit bagel and the sketchbook and the color wheel and the desk lamp and the dirty clothes she cant put her finger on such a thing.

how scary are the things we cannot touch.

spring break.

If ive got my count right, 17 days till spring break. its sad that i have a countdown in college like this, but i cant wait to get back home. for some reason theres so much more to look forward to back down south than up here in the tennessee hills.

legacy.

i wanna leave a legacy
how will they remember me?
did i choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy


this song made me start thinking about the idea of a legacy. i suppose we often connect the idea of the legacy with death and dying and the impression we leave once we're gone from the earth. but i think a legacy doesnt have to wait until you die. maybe a legacy is the values and ideals you uphold in your everyday life. maybe no matter what kinds of mistakes you make, lines you cross, people you hurt, wrong things you say, false accusations you make, lies you tell its your overall self at the end of the day that really matters. we all have skeletons in our closets. we all make mistakes. we all get angry. we all throw our cell phones across the room...well some of us do. but at the end of the day its who you are as a person in general that people will remember. if you can look in the mirror and feel that you are loved, genuinely loved, then maybe thats all you need to leave the kind of legacy we all want deep inside.

discovery.

i think we all figured it out. its funny how much i realize every day more and more how much my life parallels with that of my friends. despite the fact that we live in different places, have different ideals and beliefs and basically live different lives, we have so much in commnon in what we're going through in life. this makes me realize that life is truly a universal kinds of thing. maybe at the end of the day we all have to go through and learn the same things, just in different versions.

its a been a long week but ultimately a good one. the first part was extremely stressful and busy, filled with drama (for once not in my own life) the middle was filled with a sense of calm and peace and fun and the end was filled with realizations and reasons to be excited about the days to come.

on the way to the gym dogs meet robyn and i had a deep talk. an odd time to have a deep talk for sure, but we did. i decided that its quite possible that the main root of almost all of our problems is issues with self esteem. i know, it sounds stupid and brings to mind those stupid videos in health class produced in 1992 about girls and bad body images and models in magazines and anorexia and such, but to me self esteem is much more than that. self esteem is knowing that you are better than some people or things out there in the world. self esteem is understanding who you are and believing that you deserve the good. self esteem is not settling. so maybe we've all just had some self esteem issues. we were scared we alone weren't good enough for those around us so we pretended to be something we weren't. we didn't like ourselves so we tried a new person out for size, a person at the end of the day we'd never want to be. we went back to those who hurt us before because we felt like we couldnt do any better. we lied because we didn't trust that we alone were enough for the ones who love us. we believed that we were too low for anyone to ever truly love us. we thought we didnt know who we were.

maybe its all just an issue of weak self concept. maybe thats the root of all evil. maybe im onto something with this one.

but somehow, despite all our different situations, it seems my friends and i stumbled upon these things at roughly the same time. and i think we all feel better for it.

this week has been very unproductive. but maybe it was productive, just in a different way. my life in tennessee is very mundane. classes keep me going. keep me up there too long and i swear to you i might go insane, but these visits home are what keep me motivated. they drive me back to the ones i love, the ones i may one day love, the people of my past, the people of my future and a land of opportunity. here in georgia i see myself for what i am. and i am someone here. i am not just the girl in your class, the redhead in you sorority, the girl sitting across the lunch counter from you. here i am a person, a human. i have an identity. i am real here. and it is here that i see myself for what i am. i reflect on my past and look forward to the future, i see myself growing up and changing and i feel my southern accent slathering on. it is here that i feel myself as a person and its almost like here is the only place i can truly see and make the changes i need to make. coming home is always a learning experience, and while i can regret many a weekend of doing nothing or doing nothing substantial in tennessee, i never ever regret coming home.

btw last night was good. got sat on by adam one too many times. watched some ba slam dunking. didnt get any beads unfortunately. but i did get some telekenisis action haha.

cant wait for spring break. 3 weeks and counting.

the new valentines manifesto

so last night i went back and read what i wrote last year on valentines day. the typical bitterness abounded. but this year i have no reason to be sad. the past few days were brutal and now i have no desire to do schoolwork yet again. but who cares, the important thing is im home and it feels great to be here. i finally slept soundly for the first time in weeks. the crick in my neck is gone. last night was a wonderful night. very cold but it was the perfect way to spend any evening and especially valentines day. so whats next? i dunno but im excited. uga tomorrow and saturday then back here for fun times with kelley and adam and jordan. plus hopefully plenty of good sleep. i needed this. i needed the revival that home provides for me. i needed to see that there is an end in sight and something to look forward to. this weekend will be good for me. its time to make some decisions. to figure some things out. im sure by the time i return to the knox ill have a different outlook about things. a different demeanor. a different idea.

i cant wait for clarity.

forgive and forget.

"It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on."

if it doesnt matter to you, should it matter to anyone? if you dont think anything of it then is it really that important? is it worth starting something when youd really just rather forget it ever happened?

so they tell me to forgive is to:

1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.

forgiveness has definitely come into play in my life in recent times. whether it be me asking for forgiveness from trespasses ive committed against friends, me granting forgiveness to those who have wronged me, me wondering if the things ive done can in fact be forgiven or observing others in a struggle over who's wrong and who's right and who deserves the forgiveness its something i think we all should have a grander understanding of.

honesty is the best policy, but sometimes little lies save the ones we love from unneccesary hurt. if it doesnt matter to me, if its not important to me, if its something i wished had never been and would love nothing more than to forget, is it really even worth bringing up? maybe honesty isnt always the best policy, but theres a fine line. so how do you know? how do you know how much to say? what to keep to yourself? what to lock away because you never want to see it again and you certainly dont want anyone else to? what to conceal because you know others wouldnt approve?

at the end of the day its all a judgement call. a judgement call that if made incorrectly could have absolutely dire consequences. so there are really only two things we can do:

a. we hope we can make the right judgment call.
b. if we dont do a. we must hope those around us love us enough to look past our downfalls.

thats absolutely 100% totally and completely all you can do.

stop.

in other news i am running around like a mad woman because i basically have x hours left before my week ends and 5x hours worth of things to do. (you like that algebra? i know you do.) two exams i havent read for, a photo critique tomorrow morning and three compositions due in color theory. fuck me, seriously.

oh well it all ends up well i should hope. im so unbelievably excited for wednesday-sunday. i think good things will go down and good times will be had for all, or at least lets hope so.

for now im off to hopefully put a nickel-sized dent in my laundry list of lovely things to do.

"i think i've got a lot to look forward to"

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously


four more days. i can do this. the next few days are going to suck ass though. so much to do and no drive to do it. but theres a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for those who are willing to trudge onward i suppose. the past few weeks, despite the boredom and melancholy of winter have been amazing. for once in my life i feel happy in an unconflicted way. i dont feel like i have to make excuses or hide things or be sketchy, im happy and people are happy with me, and happy for me.

the realization ive come to is that the past is just that: the past. you dont have to let whats happened to you or what youve done in the past dictate how you live the rest of your life...that my dear is up to you today. soooo...

i dont owe anyone anything. i did what i could. i tore myself apart. and im over that now.

ive made mistakes. but im over them too. so leave me alone about it. if i dont ever want to repeat it again, if i dont ever want to talk about it again, if i dont ever want to think about it again, thats a choice i have the right to make.

i want stability now. i want constancy...thats not to say i want my life to be boring or uneventful, but im tired of being pushed to the limits in every aspect of myself...one can only do that for so long. i need unconditional love because thats what im trying to learn how to give. im fortunate to have a few friends who know how to give it as well.


so im going to move forward now. i dont know whats going to happen. its scary, but its neccesary...and i think ive got a lot to look forward to.

Mean Girls: Not a Movie, It's Our Lives.

I'd like to take a moment to explain why romance, chivalry and just plain love is dead. i hope the people quoted here never see this, because as you can tell, they can and would kick my ass any day of the week.

Ok girls, so we complain about how much we long for and never will receive what we believe we deserve from guys. we say we want romance, chivalry, we want to have those special warm feelings inside that can only come from special interaction with and attention from that special someone in our lives.

Now that's all well and good...but here's the issue: guys would probably totally go for this too. They might give us what we believe we deserve. They might take us out on dates, pay for our meals, hold the door for us, ask US out, not try to rape us every five seconds, they might try to do all these sweet gentlemanly things for us, but they often don't. Any thoughts on why they dont? Allow me to enlighten you.

These are direct quotes taken from girls on my friend list's profiles: (please dont kill me people im quoting, its for the greater good of female humanity):

"My name is _. I am a very straight-up person. I get what a want and I say what I mean.I like to drink rum with my friends and I love to dance. I'm a very laid back person and I keep it down on the earth. If you want to know more... just ask bitch!! :)"

"[I hate] two-faced bitches. I dont take shit off anyone, so dont try to give me any. I can get along with pretty much anyone unless theyve done me dirty in the past."


I'm sorry...what? Seriously, what is this, I don't know about you, but I don't want to mess with these girls...if this is what they say on facebook imagine what they could do to you in real life...they could tear you apart!

So lets revisit the question: why aren't guys all we want them to be? Well first of all I think we expect a little too much out of the guys, its hard to do everything, so i completely understand and sympathize with that. But why aren't guys chivalrous? Why don't they ask us on dates? What happened to old fashioned romance? I'll tell you what happpened, girls became insane psycho killers of men, they became bitches who are "straight-up" and "don't take shit off of anyone". Now who wants to put their heart out there and be vulnerable to girls who extend this kind of demeanor? No sensible boy would, i know if i was a boy, i wouldnt.

Face it girls, we are scary and until we get our acts together and calm the hell down, we're not moving forward at all in our quest for love.

if you want a gentleman, be a lady, thats all im trying to say. and men, take heart, we want you to do those nice things for us, but i wholeheartedly agree in you lack of gusto for this kind of thing when the ladies are running around like wild animals on the prowl.

lets trade bitch slaps and verbal blows for hugs and compliments. i assure you the world would be a better place.

1 year broken hearted
But now his ghost is finally gone
Done with broken people
This is me
I'm working on (cause I know)

Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know' I'll be ok
Good love is on the way

Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I’m
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore

oh jmay how i love thee. another amazing concert in an incredibly ghetto sketchy venue. im basically drifting from day to day at this point. counting the days until the next big thing...a long weekend in georgia, spring break, summer. a case of the febuary duldrums i suppose, but good love is on the way.

back to you.

i made it through monday relatively unharmed, albeit covered in printing ink. its cold as balls up here. im ready for spring...thinner clothes equals more room in my closet. im ready to be able to go out at night and feel my extremities. to wear flip flops. to see green.

meanwhile im living in a day to day world of nonworking dvds, trips to kroger to get bagels, the fray and the garden state soundtrack, my favorite jeans getting a hole in the worst of places, i love new york, running errands, washing dishes, returning emails, getting dressed up, praying that im doing the right thing, staying up late having conversations about everything, making plans for the rest of the semester, wondering if i should feel more sad right now, dishing photographic advice, fridays three course combos, west town mall, gloves and sweaters, finally getting a photographic start here in knoxville, dream furniture shopping, sleeping all day, trying to be more creative, contemplating transfer, being excited for valentines for the first time in my life, lesbian wedding interviews, picture messaging belton, getting random and unexpected mail that gives me closure, finally feeling it once again and the darkroom.

its amazing what happens when you just throw it all down on the table, unfold your white flag and say "i surrender". its never a done deal, its a process, a cycle that you must forge day after day, but if you have it in you to do it, i think it has a lot to offer. so as much as it kills me to know someone out there doesnt think well at all of me anymore, and more importantly that ive lost a friend, a great friend, an important friend. but maybe thats what had to happen. maybe thats how far it had to go for me to understand. maybe i had to leave and experience unconditional love from a higher and greater source than us all before i could ever expect to give it back to a friend and to receive it anymore. so i guess you sacrifice some things to do what He wants. you might lose a friend. you might not live where you want for a while. but in the end, you get whats best.

i feel much more at peace with myself than i did a week ago. most of the circumstances right now say i shouldnt feel at peace, but i do.

the rest will work itself out in time, if thats what its meant to do.

: )

wisdom and discernment.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you
rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and
lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is
easy, and my burden is light." Matt. 11:28

the general consensus with me seems to be: "do whatever you need to do."

so what do i need to do? this is such an important decision directed toward me in such a short amount of time. i cant handle it, it pulls at me from both directions all the time. i suppose it would be important to talk to the parents about all of this. if i left it could solve many problems. it could also create quite a few. whenever i feel like i have my final answer, i feel like ive finally got it, something else creeps right in and i realize this is never going to be quick painless and easy.

and i just keep thinking, this is my life! shouldn't i allow myself the privelage of being happy? four years isnt that long, but thats four years of my life! ill never get over the idea of thinking how it might have been, if only, if only.

i cant let this be in my hands anymore, this is too big of an issue for me. im not strong enough to carry the weight of this one.

ive gotta let it go.

there's so many things i have to let go. leave it up to someone greater and wiser than me to work out in time.

kinda makes me want to punch a wall or something.

but that would hurt so im not going to.

especially considering my walls are made of cinder block.

there is much to do this weekend, but not too terribly much i actually want to do this weekend.

meanwhile, despite the fact that i have a hummer sized honker of an issue weighing me down, im feeling really good. all things considered i suppose i should probably feel sad and like shit after some of the events of this week, but i dont. beating myself up and being sad over things which i have no control of is not going to help me get where i want to be, and any changes i make in myself should be for me and me alone. not to please or fulfill the wishes of someome else. ive come to realize trying to please people (and i suppose this is certain types of people moreso than others) is basically futile and impossible. and in the end, maybe its not worth it. i think as long as youre pleasing the majority of the people who matter to you, then youre golden, because maybe the rest of the people who matter to you, have the wrong ideas about how you should be or how to convey to you how you should be...if that made any sense.

so despite the fact that i have a hummer sized honker of an issue weighing me down, i feel like in some ways a weight has been lifted. its an exciting thing to think about. so exciting in fact, i ran a 7 minute mile on thursday at the gym. again, i feel the need to reiterate that i dont run, and i certainly dont run 7 minute miles. the mood has to strike me haha.

so thats where we are. waiting. contemplating. working toward change. prying my fingers off the issues and reminding myself to just let it go.

give it up.

in the 7th grade i played piano at a thing called federation. it was where you memorized a piece and played it in front of a judge and they gave you a certificate that told you what level of excellence you recieved.

i worked for months to memorize my piece. i practiced at least 30 minutes everyday, and by the time federation came around, I could play the thing backwards and forwards no trouble.

when the day came, i went into the little room with the judge and sat down at the piano. the notes came easily to me as i began to play the piece. then, as if they got bored and left, the notes stopped coming. i couldn't find my place in my mental sheet music and i couldnt remember a thing. panic set in. there was nothing i could do. there was no one there to help me. my teacher wasnt there, my music wasnt there, hell, my mom wasnt there. all eyes were on me and i was failing miserably. after fumbling through what little fragments of the piece i could remember, i literally ran out of the building.

all eyes on me.

so i find myself feeling very similar today. i pushed the buttons as far as they would go, and now i am reaping the results. there's only one way to find my true self again after all this time, to get back all ive lost, to feel whole again. but that means giving it all up. just throwing everything i've got onto the table and saying "this is all i am and im giving it to You". that means giving up control. this means letting go of some aspects of my life. and sometimes i suppose it takes a few close calls and losing something thats very important to you to realize the damage youre capable of doing. its a sad thing, but its the truth.

so ive talked and talked and talked about all these changes i want to make. this person i want to become, but its all just talk.

and now i find myself sitting on the piano bench again six years later. all eyes are on me. i cant talk to anyone about it, thats not going to make it better. no one could possibly understand what im talking about anyway. i have no teacher or guide to help me make it through, just a few close friends who will help me, but even they can only do so much...they cant do it for me. and i dont have all my friends, ive lost a few in the shuffle, and that kills me to think about, but whats done is done and cant be undone.

i find myself sitting on the piano bench and this thing has been talked to death and theres nothing else to say or think about or contemplate its just a simple matter of getting on with my life and transforming myself according to His purpose.

no sheet music, no teachers, no mom, just me.

accountability

so that was a super long break no? i cant stand to be away from this thing too long. its a good outlet for me, and i honestly dont care whether anyone reads it or not, its just nice to have around.

i just needed a moment.
to step back.
to figure out where i was.


im back now.
but im still trying to step back.
to gain my perspective.
to find my bearings again.

recently there have been several things that have come into my life, left my life, reappeared in my life, changed forms in my life. some of it has been very good and some of it has been very bad. for the most part its been good and im really happy with some of the things that are going on in my life. i suppose what i need (and what im getting right now) is accountability. someone to keep me looking out after myself. someone who makes me want to do the things that i need to do to be the person i want to be. and the funny thing is this person probably has no idea they are that person to me.

and there are others too.

im lucky that i have people looking out for me.

but i suppose true friends owe that to each other. to be accountable. to own up to the things they do. to be strong enough in their relationship that these things that happen in life dont matter all that much ultimately.

this is the foundation of friendship that ultimately can turn to love.

to you i say, it doesnt matter if im here and youre there.
i will wait for you.

and to you i say, it doesnt matter that we're in different places in our lives,
im going to do my best to be your friend.

we have no idea what we do to each other. i mean that in good and bad ways. so i suppose the remedy is just to approach it all with a positive eye. try to follow our instincts and be accountable to each other. its the least and the most we can do.

today was really fun. like genuine good real fun. no crazy stories. no shocking revelations. no scandalous behavior. just spending time with people i really enjoy. im so glad and lucky to have the people i have in my life, and i cant wait to pursue our relationships further this summer. i have this sneaking suspiscion its going to be a really good and really eventful summer.
i cannot wait.

as for now, i think im going to take a little bit of a break from this. its not something i really want to do because ive come to rely on this thing. in my heart of hearts i dont think i should quit because this is supposed to be an expression of my thoughts and while it is redundant and is hypocritical and overdramatic and narcisistic its what im thinking and feeling at the time and i think thats what a blog should be all about. but i think a little break would be nice, for me and for you the reader. i dont know how long itll be, but im sure ill be back when the timing is right, probably not too long from now.

until then i will try to not overplan. i will try to follow my purpose. and i will try to remember that que sera que sera.

you dont have to hit rock bottom to do a 180.

maybe its time i stopped writing on this thing.

i have loved it to death, its become a staple in my life.

but life is one big hypocrisy after another.

and having a written record of what i want my life to be like makes me all the more accountable to myself and to those who read this that i must do what i tell myself im going to do.

i feel like i need answers but i dont know where to find them...or maybe i do but i just cant reach them.

bottom line: its time for me to stop being a drama queen and fix myself.

every passing minute is a another chance to turn it all around.

at midnight last night i went on a date. i got a call from a friend and a few moments later i was whisked away in a car and we went out and came back and it was nothing interesting or exciting.

and afterward i hoped that the way i felt then was an indication of how i was on my way to feeling: not settling for anything less than what i want or deserve.

i have this sneaking suspicion that no one really truly understands what they do to the people around them. from the moment you say hello to each other for the first time, you have a connection. whether that connection lasts for a few seconds of an elevator ride, a few months for a fleeting companionship, or a lifetime of friendship or love, i suppose is up to the circumstances at the time. but the truth is, that when youre in a relationship of any kind with someone, things you do that you could never imagine affecting the other person affect the other person. what you say, what you dont say, what you think, what you write, your body language, the tone of your voice, who else you associate yourself with, these all compile to form this mass of things that have an influence on your relationship with each other.

i suppose its up to the individual to make these circumstances such that they benefit the relationship rather than harm it.

ive been reading again a lot more lately. it makes you see things you didnt realize within yourself. this is what i know for sure. i am ready for unconditional love. it will take some work to learn how to give this kind of love to others, but i hope that one day i can be lucky enough to receive it in return. all anyone can hope to do is receive that kind of love in return.

"getting angry and assigning blame may give us a fleeting sense of power that momentarily relieves our fear, but those feelings originate within us, not with our partner's behavior."

dear friends:
several months ago someone threw me off a building and since then ive just been falling. there's no way to stop it and there's no where to land but the ground...and even on the ground im not sure where i'll end up...and no matter where i end up, i dont know what will happen to me after i land. this is a scary prospect.

i just want to land. im so ready to land. and in the process of all this i really need help. im not so sure i can handle this one solo. i need encouragement, i dont need to feel like an incompetent failure all the time. by the same token, praise and encouragement that isnt genuine is not worth being granted at all...its worthless actually. so im sorry for the way ive been, theres more in my sketchbook i could say, but i dont think it will do any good today.

salami sandwich.

ive found recently that in my spare time i sleep and eat salami sandwiches. im pretty sure salami is awful for you. so much for hottie angie. ill take what i can get. i opened up my dove chocolate today and it said "write a love letter this week." fuck you, chocolate. seriously. i just woke up from my morning nap (to eat a salami sandwich for lunch, of course) and man did i have some crazy dreams. i would describe them, but im pretty sure the persons involved are reading this right now and therefore id rather not discuss.

the third week of school and i finally made it to my photography class. baldwin lee, you are my saving grace, at the end of the day i believe it will be you and possibly only you that makes or breaks ut for me. thats a heavy burden to carry on your shoulders but im pretty sure you dont know i exist right now so we're ok.

the class is amazing though. i think we get to do a little digital too which is good...maybe i can show some sense of forte when that time comes around. im about to go back for lab, where ill develop my prints and fully recognize how bad of a job i did shooting yesterday.

its been cloudy for days, which im actually ok with. but i feel like everyone, myself included, is in a bottomless stupor. we're all facing things. owning up to things. and its not pretty at all. ive got friends who are deciding where they want to be next year, buying apartments or switching schools completely. ive got friends wondering what they should do with their lives and attempting to take control of their destinies. ive got friends deciding what to hold onto and what to let go of, an ultimately life-altering decision. ive got friends who are dealing with loss or possible loss, trying to fight through the pain to get back to the good stuff again.

and what about me? i love these tennessee hills. but i cant wait to get back to georgia...which incidentally sad as it sounds will be this weekend.

ha.

the photobooth.

Well I lost track when those words were said,
you took the wheel and you steered us into my bed,
and soon we woke and I walked you home
and it was pretty clear that is was hardly love.

And as the summers ending,
the cold air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending,
and this is all that's left scraping paper to document.
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.

I have been listless, bored, fidgety, unsatisfied, and extremely moody for the past, geez, week or so. I dont really like feeling this way. At the end of the day, I know I'm facing this huge inevitable question: who the hell are you? Yes im here in tennessee and i have this path to follow where i stay here for four years and i take the classes and maybe i get a little job on the side and thats that and i live in a dorm then i live in an apartment then i graduate and i move on. But life is greater than that. life is bigger than this cookie cutter set we hand ourselves and call it a life plan. so now i find myself bouncing around in this box of possibilities with no real direction anymore. no i dont have to make any decisions about anything in my life right this second, but in a way i do. i take comfort in knowing where im going.

this weekend was my first weekend this year at UT. drews birthday was last night so we went out to dinner which was fun, then afterwards an abundance of festivities ensued. im in college i should do what i want and not feel bad about it at all, but i kinda feel like i dont even like to drink that much. i will. and its fun of course. but i just dont really want to get into that all that much. but sometimes i look around and realize the people that matter most to me are hundreds of miles away. i dont have the stupid things to share with them like i used to. i can no longer spend friday nights having chick flick marathons, crazy scavenger hunts, knoshing over our high school yearbook and sharing all the gossip over a box of famous amos cookies, running around borders at the avenue, or sweeping down to the city for a meal that makes us feel like we're sexy and important. instead now all i have is this plastic tumbler full of God knows what and a few people i trust enough to make sure i or no one else dies out there tonight.

i dont want that life. i dont want the life where i shit my cheap-assed lycra blue jeans every time a frat boy looks my way. i dont want the life where i get my kicks on the weekends simply because i hang out with people i dont know when i have the artificial courage to do so and i dont remember half of what happened anyway. i dont want the life where i live for anything other than whats genuine and true. i dont want the life where i choose my friends based upon who i party with. i dont want the life where i have to paint on this perma-grin smile so that everyone thinks im having the time of my life. i dont want the life where i have to compromise myself.

and that is exactly where i feel myself heading.
and i do not want that.
not one bit.

so what do you do when you find yourself on the path of unrighteousness?

you turn and go.
just turn and go.
turn and GO.
im about ready to go.

I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.



And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

blood rush.

something's missing
and i dont know how im gonna fix it.
something's missing
and i dont know what it is
i dont know
i dont know
i dont know

blood pumps out of your heart around to all the areas of your body. a sudden drop in blood pressure results in a lack of blood in the brain which is potentially dangerous and will cause you to pass out. the heartbeat should be regular. the flow of blood should be regular throughout the body. when the blood rushes out of the head it causes problems.

its no secret ive got a lot on my mind these days. life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go and i cant decide if im willing to let go and move on or if i would rather go with the part of my gut that tells me i need certain people in my life period end of story. i have a year and in addition to that fact right in the middle of that year i have three full months to do whatever the hell i want. so what do i do with them? ive got two options: i could focus on work or i could focus on school. well i'd like to do both. i feel like i should add a class right now this semester. something that could actually transfer credit. or maybe i should get a job. i need to make some money so i can save up for later. travel. do whatever this summer and next year and whatnot. im so scared im running out of time and theres not enough time in the day to figure it all out. but its hard to find a job that doesnt take over your life or interfere with school. but i dont know i think i do better when im busy. and right now i spend hours upon hours each day on the computer just wasting time. i should at least try to make some cash. plus i dont want a job to interfere with my life because i still want to have fun and enjoy college but to be honest with you im not really doing that without a job so maybe a job wouldnt really matter that much. at least then i could have plenty of money for a plane ticket to new york or something of the like. this freaks me out and overwhelms me just thinking about it. midnight tonight is the last opportunity to add classes so i suppose im done for. no more transferable credits will be had for me this semester. maybe i should just go ahead and start my online spanish class. i could do it on thursdays. i could be productive. my fear is i wouldnt be and id procrastinate and fail even a simple stupid online course. i need credits. i would like to do may semester at uga but i dont think theyll let me. theyre so strict down there. but i need kelley and i need a few other people and the people i need and the people who are here are two completely different entities. what if this happens? what if i make a relationship out of this thing? what if it works out? but i cant be here and have that work out. ill never be exactly in the same place, but i should try to be closer. thats stupid. it wont work. and maybe its not worth it. i cannot make the first move. what if thats what im meant to do? what if i miss something? i dont want to miss anything. i dont want to miss the best thing that could have happened to me, the best person who could have happened to me, the best decision i could have made because im too blind to know what that decision is. im so scared right now. scared and alone because no one and i mean no one understands. everyone's got an opinion one way or the other and im the only one thats stuck. i look at my life and all i see is this mass of confusion. my mother reacted a little better than i thought she might but i could tell she wasnt supportive. she said do what you want. before that though she told me i should write. she said i must write, im good at it she said. i dont want to study writing though i told her, i dont even think im that good, fuck i dont even know what im trying to say most of the time. she said i didnt have to study it, i could just do it, i should just do it. when i was little i wanted to be a novelist. then i realized i wasnt really that great of a writer and novelists generally dont make much money. maybe i should enter some writing contests. those things are all over the place. photograhy and writing contests. you have to be careful though, a lot of those things are scams. maybe i could find a book in the library about that. there used to be one on how to market your photography and it had all kinds of contests to enter and i bet theyre all legit. i could just enter contests and make money. the problem with contests is you have to win to make the money, its not like a job where you just show up an do the thing and thats that and you get your money on a nice little piece of paper in the mail and you pay your taxes and you eat your brocolli and thats that. its not like that, you have to win and you have to have material to enter. i dont have that. my mom says its ok that i have more fun when i come home than when im at school. i think she sounded like she was going to cry. i try to try for her and i try to act like im ok even though some days i know im not and maybe she knows im not too but i play this game with her, and i try to get her to believe everythings fine even if im screaming on the inside kind of like i am tonight. my mom said its ok that i have more fun when i come home for the weekend than when im up here and i suppose it kind of makes her happy because it shows her that i actually do miss her and i didnt just forget about her and move on. she says im living in a completely different world now than i was before and shes right, its a very different culture up here. but she said i would get used to it and i'd be ok and kelley'd be ok because we are just the type of people who make friends slowly but they last because theyre the best kind of friends. not like the people in kelleys class she was telling me about that became best friends in like a month. and shes right i dont do that. but im kinda scared of getting too used to things as they are up here. life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go. and im very imbalanced right now. scared as hell. uncertain as fuck.

blood pumps out of your heart around to all the areas of your body. a sudden drop in blood pressure results in a lack of blood in the brain which is potentially dangerous and will cause you to pass out. the heartbeat should be regular. the flow of blood should be regular throughout the body. when the blood rushes out of the head it causes problems.

the blood has rushed out of my head. the walls are closing in. i feel the tinnitus kicking in. im dizzy and hot.

i am passing out.

something's missing.
and i don't know how im gonna fix it.
something's missing.
and i dont know what it is.

i told myself i wouldnt write this entry. or maybe that i would write it and never publish it to the web. but its time. there is a line of tact and poise and intimacy of subject that i probably shouldnt cross here so i dont offend anyone.

fuck that.

i think i wrote recently about the person you are versus the person you want to be. for about the past year or so i have become this person who is quite foreign to me. my whole self as a person has changed, some for the better but some for the worse.

now a year later, i dont want to allow myself to get trapped within that person. i want to break out and find a happy medium that combines the girl i used to be which is the girl i know i am deep down inside and the better positive parts of the girl ive allowed myself to become.

so im working on that.

but i am quickly realizing that i have no idea how to conduct myself anymore.

and this aspect of my problem is something im not going to blame on myself.

you did this to me.

i was fine and then you came along and you did this to me.

you opened my eyes and made me realize a lot of important good things.

but you did this to me.

you took the line my standards and of what is normal and acceptable and you ripped it down and smashed it down into the most filthy parts of the lowest ground.

you did this to me.

and i realize more and more everyday that i dont remember what its like to live in a normal world because ive been caught up in this land of secrets and lies and jealousy and deception and persuasion, and i dont remember what its like to function in the real world anymore.

and you did that to me.

im not discounting the positive meaning you have had and do have in my life, but i dont think i realized until now how much of an impact this liaison has had on me as a person.

and you did this to me.

and you know what? thats fine that you did this to me because i let you do this to me. but where does that leave me now? im alone and uncertain and i dont know how to get out of this way of life.

and im so so sorry, but you did this to me.


im sorry that youll hate me because i wrote this. im just realizing what ive done to myself. what ive allowed be done to me. and i hope that you can understand im just trying to be a better person. to get what i know i deserve. deep down i am classy. i am beautiful. i am a decent person. i deserve something good.

but how can i have the good, when i cant treat myself like im worth a dime?

under pressure.

this weekend:
-uga
-transmet
-inappropriate dinner convo
-orange juice and cranberry
-scrounging around for vending machine change
-the car ride with cole
-firehouse and sketchy onlookers
-blueberry bomb
-the britneys
-late night chats
-"im glad he didnt try to *** ** *** or i would have ****** on *** ****."
-changing and brushing teeth in car
-ten minutes in millegville
-85 north (85 doesnt go north guys)
-tennis
-70 degree weather in mid january
-i love new york/mr boston
-qt and the drunk uga kids
-slushies
-teens making out on the car with the baby inside
-under pressure
-the blanket
-the confused foreign people at the toll booth

two and a half tanks of gas and 984 miles later i find myself back in room 305 sitting in my desk chair like none of these things ever happened.

i dont know what when on in my dorm room this weekend. theres some suspicious looking paraphenalia that i can only make up stories about its purpose right now. despite whatever craziness may have happened i dont mind that i missed the madness and the scandal because im really glad i went to georgia this weekend, both uga and roswell. i feel like now im finally ready to start off the semester and really get things going but at the same time, i may be more confused now than i ever was before. i thought i might utilize the 3.5 hour drive to figure my thoughts out, but no such luck because even if i had figured them out, as soon as i got back here to ut they became all jumbled up again.

what if there are just certain people in your life you just have to be around? they just mean so much to you and play such a crucial role in your life that you must be around them? and what if you have people like that and you cant be around them? what if you made a mistake? you took the wrong path? what if you choose the wrong person? what if you end up somewhere you dont want to be?

fuck.

the thing i keep thinking about is my friends up here in tennessee. they go home for breaks and end up getting bored or generally dissatisfied and cant wait to get back up here. going home is almost a chore for them and theyve generally lost touch with all high school friends who arent at ut.

me, i go home and let the fun begin. i feel like my home life is much more exciting than my college life. all the fun all the scandal all the love all the good times with friends happen when im home it seems.

this could be because i need to get out there more up here at ut. it could be because im not working hard enough to make friends here. but what if that isnt it? what if this just isnt my cup of tea? what if i need the people i need to be around me to be around me? college is the time of your life im not having right now. much of the randomness, the silliness, the comfort, the love, just the day to day feeling of knowing someone is there is just completely gone from me right now.

im so scared of doing the wrong things. making the wrong decisions. but i dont know whats right and whats wrong anymore. something that seems perfect one minute becomes shameful the next. a path that seems like the right one becomes a bottomless pit.

i thought i could get it together this semester, but it appears its just the SOS. hurting myself and making others hate me and turn against me in the process. over and over and over again.

if its any indication how confused and unsure i am, just read this post over again and look at the change in tone and mood as it progresses onward.

i dont really know what do anymore.

gettin some random play.

last night i drove down from the knox on a somewhat last minute whim to go down and see my loves at uga. i always enjoy going to uga because its so much fun to hang out with literally almost all of my friends in the more free and fun college environment. for the past several months, i have questioned why i didnt just buck up and go to uga myself. things would certainly be a lot easier and the adjustment process would sure be much easier. i would have a much easier time networking. my campus would be much more diverse. id probably have a bigger dorm room with a bigger window. im also fairly sure id be in a relationship, with whom im unsure, but i would be in a relationship. the truth of the matter is however, i made my decision and though from time to time i feel like maybe i made the wrong one, i have to deal with whatever i chose because i kind of feel at this point that so long as i dont want to be in college forever, transferring is not a realistic possibility. but no matter all that serious stuff, i had an awesome time last night. from our inappropriately loud and sexual dinner conversation at transmet, to watching 40 year old virgin in jax's room, the robyn breaking the seal in more ways than one, to our farfrompuken stickers, to are we having fun yet? in inappropriate places, to annoying cole with our craziness, to getting down at firehouse and getting stared at by sketchy guys, to late night conversations and all the around and in between, it was probably the most fun ive had in a while. that being said...

sometimes i have to remind myself im in college. and therefore certain things are ok. they are acceptable. its ok to have fun, to be stupid, to be a little crazy, to get wild. its ok. im in college and therefore certain things are ok.

i have come to realize lately that some of the things i mark as mistakes or blunders in judgement are actually just litte anecdotes i can tell later that will remind me of all the lessons ive learned along the way and all the things i used to take for granted. maybe one of these days i wont have the kinds of friends i have now to lean upon. i wont feel the butterflies of the moment that hangs before your first kiss with a new love. i wont be able to reexperience the joy of moving out on my own for the first time.

the truth is, we're all just a bunch of virgins running around waiting to mark ourselves up so we have all these experiences under our belts. we dont get this time or this lifestyle back again. so yeah, maybe you get hurt, maybe you make a mistake, maybe you feel stupid, but the important thing is you did it. its all part of the ride.

i encourage myself to take advantage of the random in order to make my life somewhat interesting : )

cookie.

"we're all artists painting an infinite canvas
and we're running short on paint."

i dont know the person who wrote those words and i probably never will. a friend of a friend. but i thought it was so well put that i had to include it here even if its plagarism.

i saw this thing on the today show over break about dieting and how to lose those pounds in the new year. there were two dieting divas on there and one of their tips was this: eat the cookie. you know you want the cookie and until you get the cookie all you will do is think about the cookie and stuff your face with more unsatisfactory foods because you cant have the cookie. so let yourself have the cookie. give yourself what you want in the first place so you dont have to struggle with yourself over a cookie.

now im a big proponent of cookies, so i believe that cookies are good for all, and unlike cookie monster i believe cookies in fact are good all the time, but this idea extends way beyond a simple dessert...this is life.

what if you dont do what you want? maybe you decide youll do what you want later? but what if later there are no cookies left or, even worse, theres no you left? why do we put ourselves through this? we know what we want, we know what our dreams are, we know where we want to go, how we want to spend our time, who we want to be with, who we want to love...but we dont go. for some reason we deprive ourselves because we think we shouldnt or we think it best to wait.

the metaphor is stupid, but eat the cookie.

i was born with a number of days. the number never increases, but each day it decreases by one. one of these days the number will be zero and that will be it. i dont know when zero hits, but if zero hits and its all said and done and i cant say i did what i wanted, then what point was there to it all? i'd be dead and hungry, unfulfilled.

eat the damn cookie.

youll love it.

it's not morning till you go to sleep.

do you ever feel like youre living two lives?

maybe its the school and home versions of yourself.

maybe its you as a daughter or son and you as your peers see you.

maybe its who you are and who you wish you were.

for once i cant fit my future, both near and distant future, into a neat little plan for myself, and this is a very frustrating thing for me to cope with. what i want and the way i act dont coagulate well. i just feel like theres something missing, and if only i could figure out what that thing was, and obtain that thing for myself, maybe things would finally fall into place.

my heart and my body are in two different places doing two very different things.

my heart wants to be an amazing person others cant help but want to be around. my heart wants me to have lots of friends and find talking to and indentifying with people very easy. my heart wants me to do what is right and be a genuinely good peron. my heart wants me to be likeable. my heart wants me to be unafraid. my heart wants to find someone to love.

but my body is sitting at a desk in south carrick talking to my keyboard once again, wondering what im gonna do until im comfortable again.

never gone.

i cant believe almost a month has gone by since i loaded up the jetta and plodded my way home to see my loves. each day has moved by very quickly, but as a whole when i think back on all that has happened, it does indeed seem like a month has passed. this break was neccesary and amazing, and it came at a great time. as a result of the things that have happened to me in the past few weeks, several things have changed:

_im on the same page with a friend and i finally feel free of the burden our relationship as it has been has put upon me. and i feel like we're good to go as bffs.
_i realize that im not the shit and ive got a lot of work to do. ive lost a lot of my creativity to mediocrity and ive got to dumb myself back down and get back to the basics to revive myself.
_the people who are important to me are so important to me, and i need to make a greater effort to stay in touch and to care for the ones i really love.
_making new friends or becoming closer friends with people you know but arent that close to can be a very rewarding experience.
_sometimes you cant be the stronger person. sometimes you need someone else to give you that final definitive "no" that you need to hear to finally rid yourself of a demon.
_in the love department, its time to dumb that down too. i need to be more careful with my heart, not get too attached to quickly and take things very very slow. make friends and see what goes from there.
_i need to put myself out there and meet lots of people. i dont have to end up hanging out with them or even liking them, but at least give meeting them a shot.
_whatever is meant to happen will. dont push anything thats not meant to be.
_stop being so afraid.

im not sad or happy about going back to ut. im a little uneasy because i dont know how this semester is going to go. it bothers me that i dont know when ill be able to come home again. i dont know when ill see certain people again. i dont even know what exactly the classes im enrolled in are. but as ashley so poignantly put in the slideshow kelley and i watched this afternoon before she headed out athens, "yay its college, we're going out, we're just moving on, its life."

this is our life now. i feel like a hobo sometimes, pack all my shit and move up to tennessee, pack it all back up to go home, bring it back again. nothing is permanent anymore. nothing is certain. nothing is guaranteed. nothing can be predicted.

thats not college. thats life.

so this is what it feels like.

tonight was pretty cool...sorry i didnt feel like uploading the pics right at the moment, but tonight was a great close to the break. we went and got greg who was sad and playing sims all afternoon from the marta station and then came back for some major catch phrase action. for once there was an equal number of guys and girls...it was almost unheard of in my house. wooooo. its kind of funny how much the group i hung out with while in town has shifted throughout the break. the people i frequented toward the beginning of the break are completely different than the people i found myself hanging out with in the end. i love it and i hope my college experience becomes more like my roswell experience with time.

i think the thing i need to keep in mind this semester is how you never really know someone until you know someone. the people you pass judgment on or dont take the time to get to know could end up being your best friends. the shy girl or guy everyone looks past could be your new best friend, you just dont know. friends are awesome and having good ones is even better, and in the industry i find myself a part of, its all about who you know. so its time for me to cultivate those relationships...meet lots of people, and build relationships with others that are slowly growing strong relationships.

and i feel like slowly but surely im getting there. im finding myself again. im getting away from all the shit i put myself through and all the wrongs ive done and all the messes ive made and all the thoughts ive had and all the worst things i let myself believe.

and thisssss is what it feels like.

this is what it feels like to be comfortable. this is what it feels like to be detatched from constraints. this is what it feels like to not have to lie. this is what it feels like to be seen in public with your friends and have that be ok. this is what it feels like to be random. this is what it feels like to not be ashamed of the relationships you have with other people.

and thisssss is how its supposed to feel.

you may tire of me as our december sun is setting cause im not who i used to be.

i watched my haigwood coworkers get sauced tonight. then jeremy and i got pulled over by a cop because jeremy was "dragging" and the cop thought i was jeremy's wife/girlfriend. i soon find out jeremy has weed in his ashtray. damn loser. fortunately the cop didnt. two tickets later we move onto jocks and jills. after that i drove to roswell, but i had to pee so bad so i went to the studio where belton was shooting kids golf bags and then i was starving because i didnt realize i was meeting jeremy and the gang for a "liquid dinner" so belton and i went to the peachtree diner and dished about what was on our minds, namely romantic relationships. for me it was regret and confusion about past relationships, lack of a current relationship, and a desire to be in a such a relationship at this point in my life. for belton it was confusion and emotional agony over a current relationship.

the break is closing in on me, i feel it tighten its final grasp stronger and stronger each day. although im ready to go back, im not at the same time. i kinda feel like things are really just getting started here. if i had to stay here another month i would be completely content with that.

i see now with more clarity than ever the person i dont want to be anymore and the person that i finally feel im ready to be. i think maturity isnt about reaching a certain shoe size, it isnt about getting a certain job, it isnt about using a certain set of vocabulary, its about accepting yourself for what youre destined to be. its about seeking whats truly best for you and making amends with all your inner demons. so maybe its time to grow up in that way.

closing time
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
yeah.
i know who i want to take me home so take me home.

pay it forward.

so basically i love my friends. all of them. the past few days have been really awesome, just chilling out with people who already know my story and know my past. last night was the annual christmas shindig, better late than never. much better than last year when we knitted and went to bed at 9 o'clock. what redeemed this year's event you ask? oh many things my friend. could've been the crazy drunk birthday woman at bennihana who told me i believed in fairies and talked ashleys ear off and believed we were all offending japanese culture and cried about the dick hat and hit the waiter, could've been the late night facebooking and im-ing, could've been the frape drinks that might as well be 90-proof alcohol, could've been running around outside in the yard and dancing and falling over at midnight, could've been playing dress up in ashley's treasure trove of a room, my best guess is it was a combination of these things.

i can feel the end of the break lurking right around the corner. its a bittersweet kinda thing. i've had a lot of fun and there's several people i wish i could be around more on a daily basis, but i suppose it is time to move along.

with the new year its time to pay it forward. someone gave something to me last year. gave me love. gave me a chance. gave me confidence. gave me a reason to live my life with the volume turned up just a tad. so its my turn. pay it forward. i know how much what ive been given has meant to me, its time for me to bring the confidence bring the attention bring the love to someone else.

that crazy moon.

tonight was one of those random interesting evenings...usually the best kind. pics of greg. hanging out with kelley and greg and jordan (webb thank you very much) at the studio. steak and shake and kelley and greg street racing suv style. walter the redheaded waiter. barging into brians house at 1230. whaaaat?

why dont i go to school with these people?

i got home and as greg so avidly pointed out (and afterward the four of us stood observing for forever until brian ran us out) the moon was amazing tonight. so bright it lit up the entire night. it felt like morning was approaching faster than it should, and at 230 am when i got home i suppose it was.

and on the first day of the rest of my life, morning is closer than i think.

clean slate.

well its 2007 hard to believe. the past year has been a very bittersweet one. so many new amazing experiences coupled with the death of so many things. but now that year is over. now i have passed the introductory part of college, left a few things behind, grown so much as a person, and now its time to move foward.

i have a clean slate.

its just like when you start a new class. everyone's got a one hundred.

its up to you to fuck it up.

but we're not going to talk about fucking things up because we're not going to fuck anything up. thats just how its going to be.

its time to chase my dream. meet the people that complete me. keep up with the ones who already do. fall in love. become a better person.

its time to stop looking back and start moving forward.

the 2007 manifesto.

12.29.2005

12.29.2006
so this is the new year.

and i feel so different.

"you will recieve in return the amount of forgiveness you give to others. leave behind a few uneccesary things in 2006 and 2007 will be the best year youve ever had." -ernest easley

ok so im going to start this off by explaining the pictures. basically, my life is one big circle. a pretty boring circle too. on friday i went out to dinner with my parents. i wore my v neck little black dress. exactly one year to the date before, i went out to dinner with my parents. i wore my v neck little black dress. crazy crazy crazy. onward.

today is the last day there will ever ever be in 2006. it has been a mighty interesting year, here are the hilights:

+swim team captain
+fell in love for the first time
+aiken prom and such
+florida trip with adawg and kelley
+haigwood studios
+roswell prom
+graduation and all the exhausting parties
+won 2 photography competitions
+the 2 J mistakes
+saying goodbye
+the angie hotel
+haigwood studios summertime
+meeting new people ive known forever
+bday madness with kelley
+going to college
+305/305 parties
+greg @ UT
+alex and heather @ UT
+visits home and to uga
+falling in love all over again with an idea
+photography photography photography
+thanksgiving and christmas break
+being totally bitchin

mr steve sparling said the other day that he heard if you make it to thanksgiving freshman year of college without too many internal wounds, youll be a-ok the rest of the way. i think he's right. i felt it when i was here for thanksgiving, that sense of change. that sense of no longer belonging here nor there. then i went back and things just seemed more natural, better. around that time i became aware of a lot of other things as well. the wheels were turning in my soul, corny i know, but true. the pieces of all the issues and struggles ive dealt with over the past few months, or even year are finally starting to come together.

essentially i felt like this year was a kind of rebellion period for me. i rebelled against the kind of life i thought i was being told to live. i rebelled against the things i hated about myself. i rebelled against my concept of the rules. i rebelled against what was socially acceptable at times. i rebelled against who i was. out of rebellion comes immense growth, but for a girl like me rebellion typically only goes so far. at the end of the day im not a badass im not edgy im not cool and im not a more interesting person as a result of the things ive done...not neccesarily anyway.

so i learned. i learned about making mistakes. i learned about photography. i learned about the male sex. i learned about saying goodbye. i learned about inner strength. i learned about heartache. i learned about being alone. i learned about loving others. and ultimately these are the things that matter because when you stop learning that means youre dead.

and im not dead yet.
im not dead yet.
im not dead yet.

ive learned so much from the wonderful people im so fortunate to have in my life. you all have truly graced me with your presence and i am truly thankful to each and every one of you for what you have meant to me and what you have done for me.

ultimately it comes downt to this: i am at the primetime of my life. this is when all the exciting, life-altering shit goes down. i go to college. i make a career for myself. i move somewhere awesome. i set out to chase my dreams. maybe i even fall in love.

i see these things now. its your life, but youve only got one.

if i learned anything i could say i learned that my life is my own. now being off at college on my own, i see that i am truly the captain of my fate or however that poem goes. i make the decisions that i have to clean up the shit because of. i have to deal with the results of what i do, so i should make the results something i want to deal with...and i can. i can! this year has made me see that my dreams are only as unrealistic and far away as i allow them to be in my mind. i believe its time to stop approaching life with a roll over and play dead mentality and start milking it for all its worth.

new years resolutions:

+work out...seriously i could be hot if i got off my computer for five seconds and did something with myself.

+eat veggies more

+end the rebellious period. this does not mean stop taking risks or stop doing crazy things. this just means stop doing things just for the sake of shock value. i need to learn to do what i want, but make sure i know what i want before i take any course of action. i would like to start going to church regularly again, and when i do go, listen and apply what is said. i need to find God again. i want to have healthier more stable relationships (slowww ones haha)

+meet more people. more outgoing.

+read more. learn about all kinds of things.

+proceed and succeed in photography. network and take a strong course of action this summer. gain new skills and technical knowledge and work on pulling out my sense of creativity...i know its there i just cant seem to find it. take lots of pictures. good ones.

+travel whenever realistically possible.

+dont let the future scare me.

+make money for later...and save it...dont spend it all on clothes dangit.

+stay in touch with the ones i love no matter where they or i go.

+enjoy my days instead of treating them like to do list items. laugh and smile more.

+get some art skills so my peers will actually take me seriously.

+pull up the good ole gpa.

+be totally bitchin. again.

happy new year everyone. may 2006 leave you changed. may you leave all your shit behind and make this one the best year yet.