once upon a time i did not care what i did. and once upon a time my actions didnt bother me as much as they should. i decided to forget the past and move forward. but now i find myself for a multitude of reasons dwelling upon them once again. and i hate the feeling i have inside right now and i hate that i have this feeling. there's nothing i can do to change things now, but it doesn't make it bite less.
youll never be younger than today
tomorrows yesterday
its never too late.
"The man who said
'I'd rather be lucky than good'
saw deeply into life.
People are often afraid to realize
how much of an impact luck plays.
There are moments in a tennis match
where the ball hits the top of the net,
and for a split second,
remains in mid-air.
With a litte luck,
the ball goes over,
and you win.
Or maybe it doesn't,
and you lose... "
with every action you take a chance. a chance of success or failure. you put yourself out there to be accepted or rejected. you do things that can change your life for the better or for the worse. detrimental things. amazing things. sometimes it goes beyond luck and becomes completely a matter of your own responsibility. you own yourself and everything you do. you make your bed and you lie in it. you check yourself into the hospital. you get the tests done. you worry about lies you make up in your head. you argue over things that never happened. you convince yourself someone feels a way they dont. you get scared. you psyche yourself out. all because with every action you take a chance. sometimes you fuck it up. hell most of the time i do fuck it up. but redemption is only as far as you let it be.
it takes someone giving you a chance before you can ever truly begin to turn it around.
bittersweetness abounds my life right now. i'm so happy with the direction things are going. i have this amazing new person to share things with, but at the same time i'm so unhappy with the way things are up here in the tennessee hills. it takes a weekend such as this one to bring it all back again. an empty dorm room. another daunting color theory assignment. a freezer full of lean cuisines. its only natural for this combination of things to make a girl want to scream.
face it ladies and gents, i am officially itching.
well maybe not greg-style itching, but maybe just a little bit, i am a redhead after all.
but i'm itching to get out of here. this year is most likely already shot to hell as far as making new friends and such is concerned, and i'm already so excited about what the summer is sure to bring i just can't wait to get out of here.
i just keep finding myself between two extreme groups of people: the extremely bad and the extremely good. i do not want to go to clubs. i do not want to go to frat houses. its just not my thing, never has been. and i think i can live the rest of my life totally fine without changing that. then there's the extremely good: they don't do any of those clubbing or party things, but they are often very immature. if watching disney movies and laughing at corny awkward jokes is your thing, then this group is perfect for you, but it doesn't seem to be the case for me.
where did all the normal people go?
i said i'd go to school here and get my kicks in the ATL and it seems now more than ever before that is what i'm doing. and i can deal with that.
but on a weekend like this, man is it hard.
one week from this wednesday i will make the fantastic journey down 75. back into his arms. and back to him and all the others who actually get me.
let the countdown begin.
It's been almost a week since i've written once again. for once things have been happening in my life. sure, i still spend more than my share of time sitting in this desk chair on facebook, but i've also been out doing things, and that is an exciting thing. i've been experiencing some things, some emotions, that i never really believed could exist for me. i've been making dreams come true, for myself and others. but i suppose the greatest reason why i havent written is that for once i was a little scared to write about everything that was going on in my heart, my mind, my body, my life on this. i've never really been scared to put anything else up here before, but this almost feels like an invasion of privacy to me. but it is what it is and what it is is two people taking a chance at something both have recognized for years. passing this up would be foolish of me. it's about damn time.
ive run the gammut of emotion lately, but i suppose my two grandest emotions are happiness and fear. i have the butterflies. this is new. the butterflies haven't been around in a very very long time. the happiness part, this is how it should be. there's also an enormous sense of fear. fear that i will fuck probably one of the few things that actually means something to me in the grandest scheme of things up. i'm pretty good at doing that and i'm all too afraid i'll use my expertise in that area once again.
but it is too late for all of that now. i jumped off the bridge. i took my chance. and i hope that we both can be reeping the rewards of that chance for a long long time.
sidenote: sharing a bed > sleeping alone (to an infinite degree)
I’ve been thinking, take me now, I’m in too far
Can’t stop feeling, doesn’t matter who you are
This could be my last goodbye
You could stay, I’ll be alright
I’ve been thinking, take me now, I’m in too far
If I might say, all of this seems to float away from...
Your lips when they’re kissing me, and your hips when leaving me for
The last time, I’m thinking of the first time, ohh
The first time, I’m thinking of the last time
Play it back, it’s going over and over
I left the Well today to return back to my cage of educational wellness up in the Knox. im sure you all have missed me very very much, but im now back with tons of pictures. the past week and half has been nothing short of amazing, all i could have hoped for and then some. between seeing my family and sleeping in my own bed and meeting back up with friends, some i havent seen in months, and going to charleston with two of my main ladies and growing closer to someone who is very important to me it was just more than i could have asked for. for me the home life is where its at right now. ut is great for learning and my daily life is decent, but i dont enjoy myself here like i do when at home when im surrounded by all those wonderful people. needless to say i was sad to go, and i hate feeling like as soon as im back up here im just counting the days till i can go back again, but its kinda how i feel at this point. i think its time i stopped apologizing for it and feeling bad about it and just accepted it as how my life is.
and at the end of the day life is wonderful.
what did i do over spring break? lemme give you a quick rundown:
-ate thai food for the first real time
-got drunk off one glass of wine
-got me some new spectacles
-met the fam
-hung out with brian mccarn in his natural habitat
-chilled at haigwood studios, as always
-had to explain myself to anthony
-got stuck in the botanical gardens after being stared at there for like two hours
-spent 115 dollars on a pair of jeans
-helped a bird eat a meal
-photographed the botanical gardens with jbomb
-rode the tech trolley!
-raqualette! (nothing more to say there)
-ate at fancy restaurants
-wished i lived at del webb active living for active adults
-went to cookie time
-toured columbia, south carolina
-saw heathers beautiful prom dress
-got lost on the way to showcase (but for once we found our way haha)
-lost boggle to amanda
-mailed in my first set of taxes
-dance partied in the hotel room
-got stared down by the men of charleston
-got some action
so with all these memories and a steady diet of train, acceptance, tahiti 80 and keane i trudged my way back up 75. this last stretch should go by quickly, but that wont mean that it will be easy. its going to be at least two more weeks before i get to return to the well and after that three weeks. then one more week and im home free. but it will be a stressful journey. not to mention that with the new strings i have attached to home, away is probably the last place ill want to be. but if i can get through this i know it will make the latter days even better and more meaningful. its going to be worth it.
for now i will float on a cloud through the pile of shit i have to do until midweek when i get my lighter classes and a delicious surprise.
but i went to bed at five this morning and ive got a sketchbook due at 1230 tomorrow. so i should get on that. toodles!
calm down kids the name of this entry is also the title of a song. hah.
i am home and have been since wednesday evening which is why i haven't written because for once in my life i have something more important to do than be on facebook and the world wide web all the time. i can't say i've done too many remarkable things in the time i've been home, but i have enjoyed every second of it. from chilling with my mom in my bed half the day, to running in coldstone with the weird manager boy right before they closed, to chattin it up with heather today, to just driving around my home town and knowing where everything is, and let's not even think about skipping over the amazing afternoon/evening i had yesterday.
and hopefully it only gets better from here on out. im leaving tomorrow for charleston for a few days with two of my best friends. im sure we'll spend the bulk of the time eating things no proper diet would allow for, listening to rediculous music, getting crazy in the hotel room, walking the streets, shopping, and of course discussing male anatomy in ways no one ever has or should (in public places nontheless). then after that i'll return to the well to spend more time with my family which i have found i love so much and to see friends including but not limited to the loverly amanda henleben! i promise i will have no desire to go back to ut haha.
so as for yesterday, what is there to say. simply put, happiness. certainly a great deal of worry and nervousness, anxiousness. theres also always a sense of fear about these kinds of things, that maybe what youre gaining is not equivalent to or greater than what you're risking losing, but somewhere along the line you have to go with your gut and ultimately i just had a wonderful time. i can't say ive ever felt this way before and knowing that theres a chance i might not be dreaming or making something up in my head, that there's a chance it might be real is crazy to me. when you live with the thought of something, the dream of having something, the aspiration of something happening to you, when it actually does it is completely unreal.i feel like i dont deserve so much, i dont deserve this goodness to happen to me. but someone out there must think i do, and im thankful about that. this is something i've been dreaming about for a long time.
so i suppose this is toodles from roswell. haven't totally decided whether or not the old macintosh is gonna come with me for the trip but i'm thinkin i'm not so sure i trust hotel rooms so that's gonna be a no. i'm sure no one will miss me as ya'll are all out frolicking in the sand and getting extremely wasted. or sitting around at home. or going to class. one of the three.
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
an artists life is not an easy one. especially when the artist constantly questions whehter or not she is good enough to consider herself so. its a constant battle within, always questioning yourself and your abilities and trying to prove yourself to yourself. art is so subjective. its not like law where you pass this huge test and in doing so prove that you have what it takes to be a lawyer. theres no such test in art. all youve got is yourself and the little pieces of opinions you allow to trickle down into your mind. thats all you have to validate yourself.
ive been bored with myself and frustrated for probably the last nine months. i havent been excited about anything ive done. i read books i left town i watched movies i tried to gain that perspective that inspiration i needed to move forward. ive felt numb and dissappointed in myself and i feel there will be a turning point, but im just waiting and i dont know when it will be. i keep thinking "this is it, this is my break" and then it falls right through the cracks just like everything else. im so bored with myself and my ideas and my style. this isnt about one missed job opportunity, one bad show, one negative critique. this is about me being unhappy with myself and unable to remedy it. this is about me questioning whether im an artist or just a creative person. this is about me wondering if i just take good photographs or if theres something different about me. something that sets me apart from all the rest. something that makes me remarkable.
i think its time to get away from the knox. time to forget about being an artist or a student or whatever i am today and just relax a bit. take in all i can before the reality of the rest of the semester and my semicharmed life here sets in. spring break here i come, im so glad youve arrived i need you.
hopefully interesting events to follow.
ill keep you informed.
this weekend was good. much more eventful than most weekends here at the lovely university of tennessee. first friday in downtown knox. tomato heads. the flea market with all the Jesus nascar goodness. vintage shopping in the old city. running around the park in the wind. the fraternity boxing challenge. getting pushed over by drunk greeks. yelling over the band at the downtown brewery. being really cold. wondering if helen was alive. it was all good. im really glad i have friends who are willing to make the long trip up. it was nice to have a true break rather than just a typical weekend here in the tennessee hills.
i suppose my least favorite aspect of having people visit me is the in-your-face realization that i am not leading the most successful life ever here. when people from your past come around again, you want to show them how much you love your new life and how successful you are and how many friends you have, but i cant do that. i have a few people here i can really count on and call up whenever and hang out with all the time and the rest are just acquaintances. its not something i ever forget about, my inability to make tons of cool new awesome friends here and have crazy times here. believe me, its something ive struggled with for the past six months. i beat myself up on a daily basis about how i wish things were different, but i dont have it in me anymore. i cant beat myself up over it anymore and i dont need someone telling me how i should be doing things differently. i can promise you there are only a few of my friends who are truly in my situation, actually i can only name one.
so i dont appreciate being told how i need to try and i need to fix it and i need to do better. i know. i know i know i know i know i know. but you, YOU do not understand. and you cant understand unless you were put in my place. i know if you read through this thing it looks like im caving on an almost daily basis, but all things considered, ive been strong.
i apologize for the rant, its kind of unwarranted and borderline inappropriate, but i just dont want to hear anymore about how successful everyone else is and how im the only girl in the world who cant seem to get this thing right. there is no right. theres no one correct answer. its different for everyone.
so ill eat my food in my room because im not going to eat quiche that looks like leaky scrambled eggs and spinach soup that is stringy and reminiscent of bile.
im sorry. this has been mean and unexpected. but it upsets me when i have this thrown in my face when i already throw it in my own face. i dont need the sound of the siren in my head to be amplified any more than it already is. i know.
but i suppose if i have to live from class to class and thrive off of my weekly greys anatomy group and the occasional dinner with friends and live for the weekends that never really come until those days when i jump in my car and leave this state homeward bound, then that is what i will do. because that is what people do. they deal. this is what you have done in your life and it is what i will do in mine. the results have been and will be different and will surmise and different times.
but who the hell cares?
haha so so true. i believe i am the awkward turtle.
so this is the time of year when i get completely disinterested in school and start doing things like spending an hour staring at my computer screen without navigating to a new page, shopping for things i dont need, spending hours taking retarded online quizzes and of course eating cookies. so heres my quiz results today, the sleeping position quiz:
Find your own pose!
due to increased ipod usage, ive started thinking about my absolute favorite songs which stand the test of time. so though im not sure why i decided to make a list of them and ill share it with you today. enjoy. (ps: leave your musical opinions at the door, if you care to refute then get your own blog...smooches!)
(no particular order)
_so contagiously-acceptance
_summer breeze-seals and croft
_funeral for a friend-elton john
_romulus-sufjan stevens
_when you come back down-nickel creek
_tiny vessels-death cab for cutie
_whiskey lullaby-allison kraus and brad paisley
_closing time-semisonic
-dont panic-coldplay
_the devil in the wishing well-five for fighting
_let go-frou frou
_no such thing-john mayer
_the remedy-jason mraz
_todays the day-aimee mann
_chances are-sheryl crow
_sparks-coldplay
_not myself-john mayer
_brothers on a hotel bed-death cab for cutie
_colorblind-counting crows
_cannonball-damien rice
_vienna-the fray
_here is gone-the goo goo dolls
_goodnight and go-imogen heap
_naked as we came-iron and wine
_the prettiest thing-norah jones
_constellations-jack johnson
_tonight tonight-smashing pumpkins
_ill be near you-ivy
_slow dancing in a burning room-john mayer
-the trapeze swinger-iron and wine
-true love waits-radiohead
_a bad dream-keane
_float on-modest mouse
_speak-nickel creek
_trying-lifehouse
_1979-smashing pumpkins
_mississippi-train
_blue-perfect circle
so yeah its not an exhaustive list and obviously im not very hardcore, but
thats me...
she wakes up in the box and wonders, is this it?
everyone says the life she left behind is much more routine and predictable than the one she has now. now you get to make your own decisions, they tell her. she wonders if this is really true. she thinks back over the past three days and the grandest decision she can credit herself to is a startling yet firm choice she made when she forwent a pop tart in favor of a cookie last night.
maybe life never really changes, she thinks, maybe its all just the same just different. higher stakes, more candles on the birthday cake, more wrinkles around the eyes, more hearbreak under the belt. maybe life is just one big high school all over again.
she wakes up in the box and wonders, is this it?
the letters are off the window, and from a girl who reveals little into her personal life this says a lot. the letters are off the window and a decision has been made. now what. the girl who sleeps next to the girl wakes up in the box too and wonders, is this it?
the girl thinks back to days gone by as she slathers some of that country crock shit on her bagel. she knows she shouldnt think back. it never accomplishes anything and it never helps, but nevertheless she does.
she thinks back to the times when she knew what her life was. the days when she laughed till she cried and she enjoyed the time she had with the ones she loved. she thinks about the regrets she had, the mistakes she made, the things she wishes she could erase and realizes even if she had the chance, she'd never take the bulk of it back. she thinks back to the time when the future was an ambiguous object off in the distance, so far away grasping it was unthinkable.
the girl sits in her desk with her butter-substitute-shit-covered bagel. the dark is only disrupted by the sharp glow of a desk lamp.
the girl realizes that this ambigious object way off in the distance, the future, is no longer far away. but unlike a road sign or a billboard, the future has not become clearer with decreasing distance. it remains its own illusive mystery, and rather than becoming clearer it simply adds components. components to take into account. pieces of an infinite puzzle that will never be solved because the pieces never stop coming.
she sits in her box with her shit bagel and her desk lamp and her dirty clothes and her dusty shelf and her color wheel and her exposed film and her trash can and she wonders if she should be here.
maybe this was all a mistake.
maybe it wasn't.
but maybe it was.
she sits in her box with her shit bagel and her sketchbook and her memories and her obscure dreams and her tube of wrinkle cream that says its going to make all her troubles go away and she wonders, what now?
the girl sleeping next to her took the letters off the window. the letters are off the window, that says something. a decision has been made. this is all too much for her and she, like the girl, has no idea what to do with this obscure object that is never in focus completely.
the future.
its not unlike the present and its very much not unlike the past. but it is neither the present nor the past, it is something else. unlike the shit bagel and the sketchbook and the color wheel and the desk lamp and the dirty clothes she cant put her finger on such a thing.
how scary are the things we cannot touch.
If ive got my count right, 17 days till spring break. its sad that i have a countdown in college like this, but i cant wait to get back home. for some reason theres so much more to look forward to back down south than up here in the tennessee hills.
i wanna leave a legacy
how will they remember me?
did i choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
this song made me start thinking about the idea of a legacy. i suppose we often connect the idea of the legacy with death and dying and the impression we leave once we're gone from the earth. but i think a legacy doesnt have to wait until you die. maybe a legacy is the values and ideals you uphold in your everyday life. maybe no matter what kinds of mistakes you make, lines you cross, people you hurt, wrong things you say, false accusations you make, lies you tell its your overall self at the end of the day that really matters. we all have skeletons in our closets. we all make mistakes. we all get angry. we all throw our cell phones across the room...well some of us do. but at the end of the day its who you are as a person in general that people will remember. if you can look in the mirror and feel that you are loved, genuinely loved, then maybe thats all you need to leave the kind of legacy we all want deep inside.
i think we all figured it out. its funny how much i realize every day more and more how much my life parallels with that of my friends. despite the fact that we live in different places, have different ideals and beliefs and basically live different lives, we have so much in commnon in what we're going through in life. this makes me realize that life is truly a universal kinds of thing. maybe at the end of the day we all have to go through and learn the same things, just in different versions.
its a been a long week but ultimately a good one. the first part was extremely stressful and busy, filled with drama (for once not in my own life) the middle was filled with a sense of calm and peace and fun and the end was filled with realizations and reasons to be excited about the days to come.
on the way to the gym dogs meet robyn and i had a deep talk. an odd time to have a deep talk for sure, but we did. i decided that its quite possible that the main root of almost all of our problems is issues with self esteem. i know, it sounds stupid and brings to mind those stupid videos in health class produced in 1992 about girls and bad body images and models in magazines and anorexia and such, but to me self esteem is much more than that. self esteem is knowing that you are better than some people or things out there in the world. self esteem is understanding who you are and believing that you deserve the good. self esteem is not settling. so maybe we've all just had some self esteem issues. we were scared we alone weren't good enough for those around us so we pretended to be something we weren't. we didn't like ourselves so we tried a new person out for size, a person at the end of the day we'd never want to be. we went back to those who hurt us before because we felt like we couldnt do any better. we lied because we didn't trust that we alone were enough for the ones who love us. we believed that we were too low for anyone to ever truly love us. we thought we didnt know who we were.
maybe its all just an issue of weak self concept. maybe thats the root of all evil. maybe im onto something with this one.
but somehow, despite all our different situations, it seems my friends and i stumbled upon these things at roughly the same time. and i think we all feel better for it.
this week has been very unproductive. but maybe it was productive, just in a different way. my life in tennessee is very mundane. classes keep me going. keep me up there too long and i swear to you i might go insane, but these visits home are what keep me motivated. they drive me back to the ones i love, the ones i may one day love, the people of my past, the people of my future and a land of opportunity. here in georgia i see myself for what i am. and i am someone here. i am not just the girl in your class, the redhead in you sorority, the girl sitting across the lunch counter from you. here i am a person, a human. i have an identity. i am real here. and it is here that i see myself for what i am. i reflect on my past and look forward to the future, i see myself growing up and changing and i feel my southern accent slathering on. it is here that i feel myself as a person and its almost like here is the only place i can truly see and make the changes i need to make. coming home is always a learning experience, and while i can regret many a weekend of doing nothing or doing nothing substantial in tennessee, i never ever regret coming home.
btw last night was good. got sat on by adam one too many times. watched some ba slam dunking. didnt get any beads unfortunately. but i did get some telekenisis action haha.
cant wait for spring break. 3 weeks and counting.
so last night i went back and read what i wrote last year on valentines day. the typical bitterness abounded. but this year i have no reason to be sad. the past few days were brutal and now i have no desire to do schoolwork yet again. but who cares, the important thing is im home and it feels great to be here. i finally slept soundly for the first time in weeks. the crick in my neck is gone. last night was a wonderful night. very cold but it was the perfect way to spend any evening and especially valentines day. so whats next? i dunno but im excited. uga tomorrow and saturday then back here for fun times with kelley and adam and jordan. plus hopefully plenty of good sleep. i needed this. i needed the revival that home provides for me. i needed to see that there is an end in sight and something to look forward to. this weekend will be good for me. its time to make some decisions. to figure some things out. im sure by the time i return to the knox ill have a different outlook about things. a different demeanor. a different idea.
i cant wait for clarity.
"It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on."
if it doesnt matter to you, should it matter to anyone? if you dont think anything of it then is it really that important? is it worth starting something when youd really just rather forget it ever happened?
so they tell me to forgive is to:
1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
forgiveness has definitely come into play in my life in recent times. whether it be me asking for forgiveness from trespasses ive committed against friends, me granting forgiveness to those who have wronged me, me wondering if the things ive done can in fact be forgiven or observing others in a struggle over who's wrong and who's right and who deserves the forgiveness its something i think we all should have a grander understanding of.
honesty is the best policy, but sometimes little lies save the ones we love from unneccesary hurt. if it doesnt matter to me, if its not important to me, if its something i wished had never been and would love nothing more than to forget, is it really even worth bringing up? maybe honesty isnt always the best policy, but theres a fine line. so how do you know? how do you know how much to say? what to keep to yourself? what to lock away because you never want to see it again and you certainly dont want anyone else to? what to conceal because you know others wouldnt approve?
at the end of the day its all a judgement call. a judgement call that if made incorrectly could have absolutely dire consequences. so there are really only two things we can do:
a. we hope we can make the right judgment call.
b. if we dont do a. we must hope those around us love us enough to look past our downfalls.
thats absolutely 100% totally and completely all you can do.
stop.
in other news i am running around like a mad woman because i basically have x hours left before my week ends and 5x hours worth of things to do. (you like that algebra? i know you do.) two exams i havent read for, a photo critique tomorrow morning and three compositions due in color theory. fuck me, seriously.
oh well it all ends up well i should hope. im so unbelievably excited for wednesday-sunday. i think good things will go down and good times will be had for all, or at least lets hope so.
for now im off to hopefully put a nickel-sized dent in my laundry list of lovely things to do.
Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you
Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously
four more days. i can do this. the next few days are going to suck ass though. so much to do and no drive to do it. but theres a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for those who are willing to trudge onward i suppose. the past few weeks, despite the boredom and melancholy of winter have been amazing. for once in my life i feel happy in an unconflicted way. i dont feel like i have to make excuses or hide things or be sketchy, im happy and people are happy with me, and happy for me.
the realization ive come to is that the past is just that: the past. you dont have to let whats happened to you or what youve done in the past dictate how you live the rest of your life...that my dear is up to you today. soooo...
i dont owe anyone anything. i did what i could. i tore myself apart. and im over that now.
ive made mistakes. but im over them too. so leave me alone about it. if i dont ever want to repeat it again, if i dont ever want to talk about it again, if i dont ever want to think about it again, thats a choice i have the right to make.
i want stability now. i want constancy...thats not to say i want my life to be boring or uneventful, but im tired of being pushed to the limits in every aspect of myself...one can only do that for so long. i need unconditional love because thats what im trying to learn how to give. im fortunate to have a few friends who know how to give it as well.
so im going to move forward now. i dont know whats going to happen. its scary, but its neccesary...and i think ive got a lot to look forward to.
I'd like to take a moment to explain why romance, chivalry and just plain love is dead. i hope the people quoted here never see this, because as you can tell, they can and would kick my ass any day of the week.
Ok girls, so we complain about how much we long for and never will receive what we believe we deserve from guys. we say we want romance, chivalry, we want to have those special warm feelings inside that can only come from special interaction with and attention from that special someone in our lives.
Now that's all well and good...but here's the issue: guys would probably totally go for this too. They might give us what we believe we deserve. They might take us out on dates, pay for our meals, hold the door for us, ask US out, not try to rape us every five seconds, they might try to do all these sweet gentlemanly things for us, but they often don't. Any thoughts on why they dont? Allow me to enlighten you.
These are direct quotes taken from girls on my friend list's profiles: (please dont kill me people im quoting, its for the greater good of female humanity):
"My name is _. I am a very straight-up person. I get what a want and I say what I mean.I like to drink rum with my friends and I love to dance. I'm a very laid back person and I keep it down on the earth. If you want to know more... just ask bitch!! :)"
"[I hate] two-faced bitches. I dont take shit off anyone, so dont try to give me any. I can get along with pretty much anyone unless theyve done me dirty in the past."
I'm sorry...what? Seriously, what is this, I don't know about you, but I don't want to mess with these girls...if this is what they say on facebook imagine what they could do to you in real life...they could tear you apart!
So lets revisit the question: why aren't guys all we want them to be? Well first of all I think we expect a little too much out of the guys, its hard to do everything, so i completely understand and sympathize with that. But why aren't guys chivalrous? Why don't they ask us on dates? What happened to old fashioned romance? I'll tell you what happpened, girls became insane psycho killers of men, they became bitches who are "straight-up" and "don't take shit off of anyone". Now who wants to put their heart out there and be vulnerable to girls who extend this kind of demeanor? No sensible boy would, i know if i was a boy, i wouldnt.
Face it girls, we are scary and until we get our acts together and calm the hell down, we're not moving forward at all in our quest for love.
if you want a gentleman, be a lady, thats all im trying to say. and men, take heart, we want you to do those nice things for us, but i wholeheartedly agree in you lack of gusto for this kind of thing when the ladies are running around like wild animals on the prowl.
lets trade bitch slaps and verbal blows for hugs and compliments. i assure you the world would be a better place.
1 year broken hearted
But now his ghost is finally gone
Done with broken people
This is me
I'm working on (cause I know)
Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know' I'll be ok
Good love is on the way
Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I’m
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore
oh jmay how i love thee. another amazing concert in an incredibly ghetto sketchy venue. im basically drifting from day to day at this point. counting the days until the next big thing...a long weekend in georgia, spring break, summer. a case of the febuary duldrums i suppose, but good love is on the way.
i made it through monday relatively unharmed, albeit covered in printing ink. its cold as balls up here. im ready for spring...thinner clothes equals more room in my closet. im ready to be able to go out at night and feel my extremities. to wear flip flops. to see green.
meanwhile im living in a day to day world of nonworking dvds, trips to kroger to get bagels, the fray and the garden state soundtrack, my favorite jeans getting a hole in the worst of places, i love new york, running errands, washing dishes, returning emails, getting dressed up, praying that im doing the right thing, staying up late having conversations about everything, making plans for the rest of the semester, wondering if i should feel more sad right now, dishing photographic advice, fridays three course combos, west town mall, gloves and sweaters, finally getting a photographic start here in knoxville, dream furniture shopping, sleeping all day, trying to be more creative, contemplating transfer, being excited for valentines for the first time in my life, lesbian wedding interviews, picture messaging belton, getting random and unexpected mail that gives me closure, finally feeling it once again and the darkroom.
its amazing what happens when you just throw it all down on the table, unfold your white flag and say "i surrender". its never a done deal, its a process, a cycle that you must forge day after day, but if you have it in you to do it, i think it has a lot to offer. so as much as it kills me to know someone out there doesnt think well at all of me anymore, and more importantly that ive lost a friend, a great friend, an important friend. but maybe thats what had to happen. maybe thats how far it had to go for me to understand. maybe i had to leave and experience unconditional love from a higher and greater source than us all before i could ever expect to give it back to a friend and to receive it anymore. so i guess you sacrifice some things to do what He wants. you might lose a friend. you might not live where you want for a while. but in the end, you get whats best.
i feel much more at peace with myself than i did a week ago. most of the circumstances right now say i shouldnt feel at peace, but i do.
the rest will work itself out in time, if thats what its meant to do.
: )
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you
rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and
lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is
easy, and my burden is light." Matt. 11:28
the general consensus with me seems to be: "do whatever you need to do."
so what do i need to do? this is such an important decision directed toward me in such a short amount of time. i cant handle it, it pulls at me from both directions all the time. i suppose it would be important to talk to the parents about all of this. if i left it could solve many problems. it could also create quite a few. whenever i feel like i have my final answer, i feel like ive finally got it, something else creeps right in and i realize this is never going to be quick painless and easy.
and i just keep thinking, this is my life! shouldn't i allow myself the privelage of being happy? four years isnt that long, but thats four years of my life! ill never get over the idea of thinking how it might have been, if only, if only.
i cant let this be in my hands anymore, this is too big of an issue for me. im not strong enough to carry the weight of this one.
ive gotta let it go.
there's so many things i have to let go. leave it up to someone greater and wiser than me to work out in time.
kinda makes me want to punch a wall or something.
but that would hurt so im not going to.
especially considering my walls are made of cinder block.
there is much to do this weekend, but not too terribly much i actually want to do this weekend.
meanwhile, despite the fact that i have a hummer sized honker of an issue weighing me down, im feeling really good. all things considered i suppose i should probably feel sad and like shit after some of the events of this week, but i dont. beating myself up and being sad over things which i have no control of is not going to help me get where i want to be, and any changes i make in myself should be for me and me alone. not to please or fulfill the wishes of someome else. ive come to realize trying to please people (and i suppose this is certain types of people moreso than others) is basically futile and impossible. and in the end, maybe its not worth it. i think as long as youre pleasing the majority of the people who matter to you, then youre golden, because maybe the rest of the people who matter to you, have the wrong ideas about how you should be or how to convey to you how you should be...if that made any sense.
so despite the fact that i have a hummer sized honker of an issue weighing me down, i feel like in some ways a weight has been lifted. its an exciting thing to think about. so exciting in fact, i ran a 7 minute mile on thursday at the gym. again, i feel the need to reiterate that i dont run, and i certainly dont run 7 minute miles. the mood has to strike me haha.
so thats where we are. waiting. contemplating. working toward change. prying my fingers off the issues and reminding myself to just let it go.
in the 7th grade i played piano at a thing called federation. it was where you memorized a piece and played it in front of a judge and they gave you a certificate that told you what level of excellence you recieved.
i worked for months to memorize my piece. i practiced at least 30 minutes everyday, and by the time federation came around, I could play the thing backwards and forwards no trouble.
when the day came, i went into the little room with the judge and sat down at the piano. the notes came easily to me as i began to play the piece. then, as if they got bored and left, the notes stopped coming. i couldn't find my place in my mental sheet music and i couldnt remember a thing. panic set in. there was nothing i could do. there was no one there to help me. my teacher wasnt there, my music wasnt there, hell, my mom wasnt there. all eyes were on me and i was failing miserably. after fumbling through what little fragments of the piece i could remember, i literally ran out of the building.
all eyes on me.
so i find myself feeling very similar today. i pushed the buttons as far as they would go, and now i am reaping the results. there's only one way to find my true self again after all this time, to get back all ive lost, to feel whole again. but that means giving it all up. just throwing everything i've got onto the table and saying "this is all i am and im giving it to You". that means giving up control. this means letting go of some aspects of my life. and sometimes i suppose it takes a few close calls and losing something thats very important to you to realize the damage youre capable of doing. its a sad thing, but its the truth.
so ive talked and talked and talked about all these changes i want to make. this person i want to become, but its all just talk.
and now i find myself sitting on the piano bench again six years later. all eyes are on me. i cant talk to anyone about it, thats not going to make it better. no one could possibly understand what im talking about anyway. i have no teacher or guide to help me make it through, just a few close friends who will help me, but even they can only do so much...they cant do it for me. and i dont have all my friends, ive lost a few in the shuffle, and that kills me to think about, but whats done is done and cant be undone.
i find myself sitting on the piano bench and this thing has been talked to death and theres nothing else to say or think about or contemplate its just a simple matter of getting on with my life and transforming myself according to His purpose.
no sheet music, no teachers, no mom, just me.
so that was a super long break no? i cant stand to be away from this thing too long. its a good outlet for me, and i honestly dont care whether anyone reads it or not, its just nice to have around.
i just needed a moment.
to step back.
to figure out where i was.
im back now.
but im still trying to step back.
to gain my perspective.
to find my bearings again.
recently there have been several things that have come into my life, left my life, reappeared in my life, changed forms in my life. some of it has been very good and some of it has been very bad. for the most part its been good and im really happy with some of the things that are going on in my life. i suppose what i need (and what im getting right now) is accountability. someone to keep me looking out after myself. someone who makes me want to do the things that i need to do to be the person i want to be. and the funny thing is this person probably has no idea they are that person to me.
and there are others too.
im lucky that i have people looking out for me.
but i suppose true friends owe that to each other. to be accountable. to own up to the things they do. to be strong enough in their relationship that these things that happen in life dont matter all that much ultimately.
this is the foundation of friendship that ultimately can turn to love.
to you i say, it doesnt matter if im here and youre there.
i will wait for you.
and to you i say, it doesnt matter that we're in different places in our lives,
im going to do my best to be your friend.
we have no idea what we do to each other. i mean that in good and bad ways. so i suppose the remedy is just to approach it all with a positive eye. try to follow our instincts and be accountable to each other. its the least and the most we can do.
today was really fun. like genuine good real fun. no crazy stories. no shocking revelations. no scandalous behavior. just spending time with people i really enjoy. im so glad and lucky to have the people i have in my life, and i cant wait to pursue our relationships further this summer. i have this sneaking suspiscion its going to be a really good and really eventful summer.
i cannot wait.
as for now, i think im going to take a little bit of a break from this. its not something i really want to do because ive come to rely on this thing. in my heart of hearts i dont think i should quit because this is supposed to be an expression of my thoughts and while it is redundant and is hypocritical and overdramatic and narcisistic its what im thinking and feeling at the time and i think thats what a blog should be all about. but i think a little break would be nice, for me and for you the reader. i dont know how long itll be, but im sure ill be back when the timing is right, probably not too long from now.
until then i will try to not overplan. i will try to follow my purpose. and i will try to remember that que sera que sera.
maybe its time i stopped writing on this thing.
i have loved it to death, its become a staple in my life.
but life is one big hypocrisy after another.
and having a written record of what i want my life to be like makes me all the more accountable to myself and to those who read this that i must do what i tell myself im going to do.
i feel like i need answers but i dont know where to find them...or maybe i do but i just cant reach them.
bottom line: its time for me to stop being a drama queen and fix myself.
at midnight last night i went on a date. i got a call from a friend and a few moments later i was whisked away in a car and we went out and came back and it was nothing interesting or exciting.
and afterward i hoped that the way i felt then was an indication of how i was on my way to feeling: not settling for anything less than what i want or deserve.
i have this sneaking suspicion that no one really truly understands what they do to the people around them. from the moment you say hello to each other for the first time, you have a connection. whether that connection lasts for a few seconds of an elevator ride, a few months for a fleeting companionship, or a lifetime of friendship or love, i suppose is up to the circumstances at the time. but the truth is, that when youre in a relationship of any kind with someone, things you do that you could never imagine affecting the other person affect the other person. what you say, what you dont say, what you think, what you write, your body language, the tone of your voice, who else you associate yourself with, these all compile to form this mass of things that have an influence on your relationship with each other.
i suppose its up to the individual to make these circumstances such that they benefit the relationship rather than harm it.
ive been reading again a lot more lately. it makes you see things you didnt realize within yourself. this is what i know for sure. i am ready for unconditional love. it will take some work to learn how to give this kind of love to others, but i hope that one day i can be lucky enough to receive it in return. all anyone can hope to do is receive that kind of love in return.
"getting angry and assigning blame may give us a fleeting sense of power that momentarily relieves our fear, but those feelings originate within us, not with our partner's behavior."
dear friends:
several months ago someone threw me off a building and since then ive just been falling. there's no way to stop it and there's no where to land but the ground...and even on the ground im not sure where i'll end up...and no matter where i end up, i dont know what will happen to me after i land. this is a scary prospect.
i just want to land. im so ready to land. and in the process of all this i really need help. im not so sure i can handle this one solo. i need encouragement, i dont need to feel like an incompetent failure all the time. by the same token, praise and encouragement that isnt genuine is not worth being granted at all...its worthless actually. so im sorry for the way ive been, theres more in my sketchbook i could say, but i dont think it will do any good today.
ive found recently that in my spare time i sleep and eat salami sandwiches. im pretty sure salami is awful for you. so much for hottie angie. ill take what i can get. i opened up my dove chocolate today and it said "write a love letter this week." fuck you, chocolate. seriously. i just woke up from my morning nap (to eat a salami sandwich for lunch, of course) and man did i have some crazy dreams. i would describe them, but im pretty sure the persons involved are reading this right now and therefore id rather not discuss.
the third week of school and i finally made it to my photography class. baldwin lee, you are my saving grace, at the end of the day i believe it will be you and possibly only you that makes or breaks ut for me. thats a heavy burden to carry on your shoulders but im pretty sure you dont know i exist right now so we're ok.
the class is amazing though. i think we get to do a little digital too which is good...maybe i can show some sense of forte when that time comes around. im about to go back for lab, where ill develop my prints and fully recognize how bad of a job i did shooting yesterday.
its been cloudy for days, which im actually ok with. but i feel like everyone, myself included, is in a bottomless stupor. we're all facing things. owning up to things. and its not pretty at all. ive got friends who are deciding where they want to be next year, buying apartments or switching schools completely. ive got friends wondering what they should do with their lives and attempting to take control of their destinies. ive got friends deciding what to hold onto and what to let go of, an ultimately life-altering decision. ive got friends who are dealing with loss or possible loss, trying to fight through the pain to get back to the good stuff again.
and what about me? i love these tennessee hills. but i cant wait to get back to georgia...which incidentally sad as it sounds will be this weekend.
ha.
Well I lost track when those words were said,
you took the wheel and you steered us into my bed,
and soon we woke and I walked you home
and it was pretty clear that is was hardly love.
And as the summers ending,
the cold air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending,
and this is all that's left scraping paper to document.
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.
I have been listless, bored, fidgety, unsatisfied, and extremely moody for the past, geez, week or so. I dont really like feeling this way. At the end of the day, I know I'm facing this huge inevitable question: who the hell are you? Yes im here in tennessee and i have this path to follow where i stay here for four years and i take the classes and maybe i get a little job on the side and thats that and i live in a dorm then i live in an apartment then i graduate and i move on. But life is greater than that. life is bigger than this cookie cutter set we hand ourselves and call it a life plan. so now i find myself bouncing around in this box of possibilities with no real direction anymore. no i dont have to make any decisions about anything in my life right this second, but in a way i do. i take comfort in knowing where im going.
this weekend was my first weekend this year at UT. drews birthday was last night so we went out to dinner which was fun, then afterwards an abundance of festivities ensued. im in college i should do what i want and not feel bad about it at all, but i kinda feel like i dont even like to drink that much. i will. and its fun of course. but i just dont really want to get into that all that much. but sometimes i look around and realize the people that matter most to me are hundreds of miles away. i dont have the stupid things to share with them like i used to. i can no longer spend friday nights having chick flick marathons, crazy scavenger hunts, knoshing over our high school yearbook and sharing all the gossip over a box of famous amos cookies, running around borders at the avenue, or sweeping down to the city for a meal that makes us feel like we're sexy and important. instead now all i have is this plastic tumbler full of God knows what and a few people i trust enough to make sure i or no one else dies out there tonight.
i dont want that life. i dont want the life where i shit my cheap-assed lycra blue jeans every time a frat boy looks my way. i dont want the life where i get my kicks on the weekends simply because i hang out with people i dont know when i have the artificial courage to do so and i dont remember half of what happened anyway. i dont want the life where i live for anything other than whats genuine and true. i dont want the life where i choose my friends based upon who i party with. i dont want the life where i have to paint on this perma-grin smile so that everyone thinks im having the time of my life. i dont want the life where i have to compromise myself.
and that is exactly where i feel myself heading.
and i do not want that.
not one bit.
so what do you do when you find yourself on the path of unrighteousness?
you turn and go.
just turn and go.
turn and GO.
im about ready to go.
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.
And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
something's missing
and i dont know how im gonna fix it.
something's missing
and i dont know what it is
i dont know
i dont know
i dont know
blood pumps out of your heart around to all the areas of your body. a sudden drop in blood pressure results in a lack of blood in the brain which is potentially dangerous and will cause you to pass out. the heartbeat should be regular. the flow of blood should be regular throughout the body. when the blood rushes out of the head it causes problems.
its no secret ive got a lot on my mind these days. life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go and i cant decide if im willing to let go and move on or if i would rather go with the part of my gut that tells me i need certain people in my life period end of story. i have a year and in addition to that fact right in the middle of that year i have three full months to do whatever the hell i want. so what do i do with them? ive got two options: i could focus on work or i could focus on school. well i'd like to do both. i feel like i should add a class right now this semester. something that could actually transfer credit. or maybe i should get a job. i need to make some money so i can save up for later. travel. do whatever this summer and next year and whatnot. im so scared im running out of time and theres not enough time in the day to figure it all out. but its hard to find a job that doesnt take over your life or interfere with school. but i dont know i think i do better when im busy. and right now i spend hours upon hours each day on the computer just wasting time. i should at least try to make some cash. plus i dont want a job to interfere with my life because i still want to have fun and enjoy college but to be honest with you im not really doing that without a job so maybe a job wouldnt really matter that much. at least then i could have plenty of money for a plane ticket to new york or something of the like. this freaks me out and overwhelms me just thinking about it. midnight tonight is the last opportunity to add classes so i suppose im done for. no more transferable credits will be had for me this semester. maybe i should just go ahead and start my online spanish class. i could do it on thursdays. i could be productive. my fear is i wouldnt be and id procrastinate and fail even a simple stupid online course. i need credits. i would like to do may semester at uga but i dont think theyll let me. theyre so strict down there. but i need kelley and i need a few other people and the people i need and the people who are here are two completely different entities. what if this happens? what if i make a relationship out of this thing? what if it works out? but i cant be here and have that work out. ill never be exactly in the same place, but i should try to be closer. thats stupid. it wont work. and maybe its not worth it. i cannot make the first move. what if thats what im meant to do? what if i miss something? i dont want to miss anything. i dont want to miss the best thing that could have happened to me, the best person who could have happened to me, the best decision i could have made because im too blind to know what that decision is. im so scared right now. scared and alone because no one and i mean no one understands. everyone's got an opinion one way or the other and im the only one thats stuck. i look at my life and all i see is this mass of confusion. my mother reacted a little better than i thought she might but i could tell she wasnt supportive. she said do what you want. before that though she told me i should write. she said i must write, im good at it she said. i dont want to study writing though i told her, i dont even think im that good, fuck i dont even know what im trying to say most of the time. she said i didnt have to study it, i could just do it, i should just do it. when i was little i wanted to be a novelist. then i realized i wasnt really that great of a writer and novelists generally dont make much money. maybe i should enter some writing contests. those things are all over the place. photograhy and writing contests. you have to be careful though, a lot of those things are scams. maybe i could find a book in the library about that. there used to be one on how to market your photography and it had all kinds of contests to enter and i bet theyre all legit. i could just enter contests and make money. the problem with contests is you have to win to make the money, its not like a job where you just show up an do the thing and thats that and you get your money on a nice little piece of paper in the mail and you pay your taxes and you eat your brocolli and thats that. its not like that, you have to win and you have to have material to enter. i dont have that. my mom says its ok that i have more fun when i come home than when im at school. i think she sounded like she was going to cry. i try to try for her and i try to act like im ok even though some days i know im not and maybe she knows im not too but i play this game with her, and i try to get her to believe everythings fine even if im screaming on the inside kind of like i am tonight. my mom said its ok that i have more fun when i come home for the weekend than when im up here and i suppose it kind of makes her happy because it shows her that i actually do miss her and i didnt just forget about her and move on. she says im living in a completely different world now than i was before and shes right, its a very different culture up here. but she said i would get used to it and i'd be ok and kelley'd be ok because we are just the type of people who make friends slowly but they last because theyre the best kind of friends. not like the people in kelleys class she was telling me about that became best friends in like a month. and shes right i dont do that. but im kinda scared of getting too used to things as they are up here. life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go. and im very imbalanced right now. scared as hell. uncertain as fuck.
blood pumps out of your heart around to all the areas of your body. a sudden drop in blood pressure results in a lack of blood in the brain which is potentially dangerous and will cause you to pass out. the heartbeat should be regular. the flow of blood should be regular throughout the body. when the blood rushes out of the head it causes problems.
the blood has rushed out of my head. the walls are closing in. i feel the tinnitus kicking in. im dizzy and hot.
i am passing out.
something's missing.
and i don't know how im gonna fix it.
something's missing.
and i dont know what it is.
i told myself i wouldnt write this entry. or maybe that i would write it and never publish it to the web. but its time. there is a line of tact and poise and intimacy of subject that i probably shouldnt cross here so i dont offend anyone.
fuck that.
i think i wrote recently about the person you are versus the person you want to be. for about the past year or so i have become this person who is quite foreign to me. my whole self as a person has changed, some for the better but some for the worse.
now a year later, i dont want to allow myself to get trapped within that person. i want to break out and find a happy medium that combines the girl i used to be which is the girl i know i am deep down inside and the better positive parts of the girl ive allowed myself to become.
so im working on that.
but i am quickly realizing that i have no idea how to conduct myself anymore.
and this aspect of my problem is something im not going to blame on myself.
you did this to me.
i was fine and then you came along and you did this to me.
you opened my eyes and made me realize a lot of important good things.
but you did this to me.
you took the line my standards and of what is normal and acceptable and you ripped it down and smashed it down into the most filthy parts of the lowest ground.
you did this to me.
and i realize more and more everyday that i dont remember what its like to live in a normal world because ive been caught up in this land of secrets and lies and jealousy and deception and persuasion, and i dont remember what its like to function in the real world anymore.
and you did that to me.
im not discounting the positive meaning you have had and do have in my life, but i dont think i realized until now how much of an impact this liaison has had on me as a person.
and you did this to me.
and you know what? thats fine that you did this to me because i let you do this to me. but where does that leave me now? im alone and uncertain and i dont know how to get out of this way of life.
and im so so sorry, but you did this to me.
im sorry that youll hate me because i wrote this. im just realizing what ive done to myself. what ive allowed be done to me. and i hope that you can understand im just trying to be a better person. to get what i know i deserve. deep down i am classy. i am beautiful. i am a decent person. i deserve something good.
but how can i have the good, when i cant treat myself like im worth a dime?
this weekend:
-uga
-transmet
-inappropriate dinner convo
-orange juice and cranberry
-scrounging around for vending machine change
-the car ride with cole
-firehouse and sketchy onlookers
-blueberry bomb
-the britneys
-late night chats
-"im glad he didnt try to *** ** *** or i would have ****** on *** ****."
-changing and brushing teeth in car
-ten minutes in millegville
-85 north (85 doesnt go north guys)
-tennis
-70 degree weather in mid january
-i love new york/mr boston
-qt and the drunk uga kids
-slushies
-teens making out on the car with the baby inside
-under pressure
-the blanket
-the confused foreign people at the toll booth
two and a half tanks of gas and 984 miles later i find myself back in room 305 sitting in my desk chair like none of these things ever happened.
i dont know what when on in my dorm room this weekend. theres some suspicious looking paraphenalia that i can only make up stories about its purpose right now. despite whatever craziness may have happened i dont mind that i missed the madness and the scandal because im really glad i went to georgia this weekend, both uga and roswell. i feel like now im finally ready to start off the semester and really get things going but at the same time, i may be more confused now than i ever was before. i thought i might utilize the 3.5 hour drive to figure my thoughts out, but no such luck because even if i had figured them out, as soon as i got back here to ut they became all jumbled up again.
what if there are just certain people in your life you just have to be around? they just mean so much to you and play such a crucial role in your life that you must be around them? and what if you have people like that and you cant be around them? what if you made a mistake? you took the wrong path? what if you choose the wrong person? what if you end up somewhere you dont want to be?
fuck.
the thing i keep thinking about is my friends up here in tennessee. they go home for breaks and end up getting bored or generally dissatisfied and cant wait to get back up here. going home is almost a chore for them and theyve generally lost touch with all high school friends who arent at ut.
me, i go home and let the fun begin. i feel like my home life is much more exciting than my college life. all the fun all the scandal all the love all the good times with friends happen when im home it seems.
this could be because i need to get out there more up here at ut. it could be because im not working hard enough to make friends here. but what if that isnt it? what if this just isnt my cup of tea? what if i need the people i need to be around me to be around me? college is the time of your life im not having right now. much of the randomness, the silliness, the comfort, the love, just the day to day feeling of knowing someone is there is just completely gone from me right now.
im so scared of doing the wrong things. making the wrong decisions. but i dont know whats right and whats wrong anymore. something that seems perfect one minute becomes shameful the next. a path that seems like the right one becomes a bottomless pit.
i thought i could get it together this semester, but it appears its just the SOS. hurting myself and making others hate me and turn against me in the process. over and over and over again.
if its any indication how confused and unsure i am, just read this post over again and look at the change in tone and mood as it progresses onward.
i dont really know what do anymore.
