Saturday, September 08, 2007

life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go.



it has indeed been a rough week for me, and i wouldn't hesitate to say it has by far been one of the roughest. i cant say ive ever felt quite that way before. i was just sad. sad with no hope. thats an horrible feeling by the way. all leading up to my birthday, which we won't talk about right now. partially because it isn't my birthday yet and partially because im not quite ready to admit that i am actually twenty years old. we'll deal with that tomorrow.

ive always been told that doing things like making mind maps and lists and venn diagrams were good for helping sort out your thoughts and make decisions. the above is my attempt.

i think the long and short of it is that i never wanted to go to college in the first place. i couldnt really see it any other way because thats what everyone does except those who are dropouts or losers who waste their lives away into nothingness. but ive always known that i dont have to have college to do what i want to do, im sure that it is invaluably helpful to have a degree, but just the fact that its not totally required always makes me think about the other options i have in front of me. theres always the option of attending a smaller two year tech school, but a part of me would feel like im missing out on what are supposed to be the best two years of my life. i suppose the problem with all this is that these havent been the best years of my life, and the outlook is not optimistic for them becoming such.

the whole thing just makes me sad and depressed.

my entire experience at ut has made me question everything about myself. i feel like i have learned very little here and when people ask me why i came here i dont have a good answer for them. its not because of the program because as i am currently finding out (just a little bit too late) the program here is actually very bad. its not because im in state because im not. its not because i have connections or friends or family here because i dont. its not because i love knoxville because i actually now long for the city. its not because i needed to go here because i didn't.

so i dont know why i came here, and thats what i tell everyone. i dont know why i just came here because i didnt want to go to uga. but maybe i did want to go to uga i just didnt know it yet. or maybe i came here just for the sake of not going to uga.

or maybe my purpose for coming here was to question why and how i am doing anything. maybe my purpose for coming here was to help me realize i have a right to change my mind.

you have a right to change your mind, some lady said to me at debra's party. that is something someone told me when i graduated and they are absolutely right she said. nothing is too permanent to not change.

you cannot depend on anyone else for happiness. its not fair to them and its not fair to you.

i told jordan this several weeks ago. maybe i should take my own advice.

i talked to belton last night. he is doing well. he spends much of his time alone as he does not have any friends in california, but he is ok with that. he is beginning to make a name for himself and he is doing what he went out there to do, and i could not be more proud of him for that.

when i graduated from high school i wanted to go to school go to new york learn italian and work for vogue.

who was i kidding? i cant even make it in knoxville tennessee.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

prophecy.

Look into the sun and see
your soul is dying.

Used to feel the faith,
but now you¹re tired of trying.

Should have left alone
what you have stolen from everyone.

How you feeling?

You seem a little sick to me now.



today i have settled into a bland paradise of sad. after feeling emotional distress im just tired. i mean theres not really anything i can do about things. i just have to feel this way or get over it or something. i dont really know the right answers at this time and im not sure what to do. looking into the future is what has made me feel as bad as i do, so maybe i should stop doing that. i just wish i could snap out of it, but i suppose i went long enough kidding myself, trying to make myself believe that my situation is ok. my situation is not ok because try as i may to make it sound good on paper i dont really have friends and my classes are hard and i dont have a life outside of school here.this is fine most of the time. most of the time i can pretend things are different or just not think about it at all and things are fine, but the second i have a moment to stop and think about things i remember how it isnt like that at all. and then it just hurts because i see no way out and no solution. i feel bad about whining and crying everyday to this blog but seeing as to how this is all i think about its kind of all i have to write about. i dont have any fun stories about things that have happened to me, fun memories with friends, i dont have those things anymore, and maybe im wrong but i just feel like i deserve to be able to have those things.

i think im just being overdramatic. like maybe none of these things actually exist and that maybe if i would just open my eyes a bit wider and stop loathing all the time id be fine.

so for now ill go to class and go to kroger and glance over the tabloids and come home to ebeths yammering about some kind of campus injustice and come up to my room and light my candle and do my homework and water my cactus and go to bed and do it again.

i can be numb if i need to but when this happens again, and i remember everything i dont have once again i will hit the ground just as hard and it will hurt just as bad. like the bird that keeps smacking itself into the window im not sure where it ends.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

covered in rain

i should probably be working on my paper.


or not eating all this food.

but instead i use my two hour stint on the sixth floor of the library to stare at facebook and gorge myself on my sack lunch plus the snack i was supposed to save for later. i spent some time catching up on caitlyn and heather's blogs. heathers was a little harder to get through because shes just started college and though im a year behind her and should be over all that shit, i must admit i find myself feeling much the same way she does still.

i felt like i really accomplished something this summer. by the end of things i felt really good. i felt grown up mature as if i could handle anything even things my friends might never traverse. i felt like i was more professionally accomplished than many people my age and i felt like i had accomplished something by coming up here and being off on my own like this.

sound conceited?

of course it is.

and the best part is none of its true.

it seems as though within the past week or so i have become this fragile doll. it takes almost nothing to have me in an emotional frazzle. tears sobs you name it.

and i dont know what to do.


somethings missing and i dont know how to fix it.

its like everything i rely on up here just falls. i get my hopes up on friendships activities things to keep me busy. and its just like time after time i ended feeling let down and once again alone. if i had to make a list of things i do up here for pure enjoyment it would consist of sitting in the library and looking at photography books and going back to georgia.

excuse me if my idea of fun doesnt involve the lambda chi house.

so then i try to find some kind of alternative. i find a youth group. i get excited. these people are nothing but kind they will make wonderful friends.

only to find that i constantly feel judged. insecure for every part of me.

sorry im not a saint.

seems like in betweens dont exist up here. i suppose if you dont fall into one of the extreme categories you get to entertain yourself for the next three years. im not so sure its better anywhere else.

im so afraid that im that girl.

that girl who died in high school.

im so scared that rhs was my peak and now i get to turn into the girl that went crazy or completely changed for the worst or lost herself along the way.

i feel like im out of options.

i felt optimistic at the beginning of the year. but it seems so far this year isnt shaping up any different than the last. the only difference is that everyone else is getting over it. now im the only one left behind.



And now I’m standing facing west
Tracing my fingers round a silhouette
I haven’t gotten used to yet,
But it’s the brightest thing I’ve got

When I’m covered in rain

Monday, September 03, 2007

its not easy.

its so easy
to find yourself right back in that place.
its so easy
to feel its just like it was.
its so easy
to love what you love to love.
its so easy to feel comfortable again.
its so easy
to go home.

but whats not easy
is coming back
to an apartment full of wonderful things.
every amenity under the sun
and know
that in a city of 173,890 people
not a single one
loves you.
its not easy.


my head aches from crying and its too tough to tell anymore if im just feeling sorry for myself or being too emotional or if my emotions are justified. i had an amazing weekend with my family and jordan. i was reunited with the wonderful feeling of coming home. but i have to wonder if the awesomeness of this weekend is outweighed by the hard crashing down i feel now. being home makes me feel great, but it just reminds me of everything i dont have the rest of the time. i feel myself breaking and i dont know what happens after this.

i try to breathe but its just interrupted by gasps of air. failed attempts to regain my composure over and over again.

why cant i just get a grip?

everyone else has.

its not like i moved to another country. its fucking tennessee. i dont understand why this seems so hard to handle.

im here to do what i came to do. become a better artist. but each and every day here makes me doubt if i can even do that.

if even that goes away then im not sure of what i have here anymore.

i need to delete this and pretend it never happened. i need to chill the fuck out because everythings going to be fine.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

draft

assignment #2:
recreate a day that shifted something in a family. this may involve a secret being made or revealed. you may draw from your own or a known family story. Feel free to alter events and character to your own purposes.

draft one (not yet done, very much in the process, ending not complete):

Two things happened in the summer of 1976: my mother went crazy and I met Sandy. I met Sandy while bumming around my best friend Bill’s place. She lived across the street and spent her afternoons listlessly lollygagging around on her front porch, dangling her long skinny legs over the edge. One muggy Alabama afternoon Bill and I were ___ and she slinked across the street and up Bill’s sidewalk to return an incorrectly delivered piece of mail. To this day I’m not sure what happened after that, what kind of universal forces had to click together to make things the way they were, but I was enamored.
My mother had spent the past nine months mourning the loss of my sister Debbie to college. She was never the same after Deb left. There were good days and bad days. On the good days we would sit in the living room watching the baseball games. She was more enthusiastic about sports than most women. I loved watching her stand up and scream at the TV, then turn to me and say, “Do any of those umps have brains in their lousy heads?” On the good days I would wake up to the smell of sausage gravy in the skillet. On the good days I saw her kiss my father when he came in at seven in the morning from the night shift at the paper mill. All the good days in the world could not make up for one bad day. As if a switch had been flicked off in her head, she would become blank and expressionless. She spent days upon days in her bedroom with the curtains closed. She refused to eat and refused to acknowledge the existence of the world around her.

During the summer of 1976, my mother’s behavior became increasingly bazaar. No longer did she spend days upon weeks alone in her bedroom, but rather she decided to take her delusions out to the public. In the past, my father and I were able to keep a low profile concerning her behavior. We could always excuse missed tea dates or bridal showers or church functions with the old, “Well Dorothy’s so sorry she could not make it tonight she’s just not feeling very well.” Of course it was the stereotypical bullshit excuse, but in it’s own twisted way it was the truth. Now my mother had decided to come out of her bat cave of gloom and doom. She wanted to take charge of her life, rid herself of negative energies in her life and become a new woman.

She began by decorating the outside of our house. She started by planting some hideously huge flowers in the yard. She peppered pink plastic flamingos all over the grass. Her final touch was to paint our front door an atrocious shade of lima bean green. I watched out my bedroom window as the neighbors stared in disgust at her curbside creation. She stopped going to church because the pastor’s wife was not in attendance at Deb’s graduation party last year, and apparently she never shared her regrets about not making it with my mother. I’m pretty sure she was on a mission trip with the junior high kids, but my mother didn’t care too much for excuses.
She began to dress lavishly and out of character. If she wasn’t to be found in the house, chances were she was out shopping for a new ensemble. She filled every square inch of Deb’s room with racks and shelves of clothing. When she ran out of room she began stacks on the floor. You could hardly even walk into the room anymore. She showed up at the grocery store in a gold lame evening gown. She attended the annual community picnic in a purple chiffon number. Worst of all, she showed up to my baseball game in a raspberry pink satin ball gown. I tried to look the other way as if I had no idea who this crazy lady was, but I lived in a small town, there was no way of escaping the truth or at least everyone else’s version of it. My theory was always that my mother decided that as long as she was anyone but herself, maybe she wouldn’t have to be so sad anymore.

It did not take me long to know I loved Sandy. Bill got a job stocking the shelves at the corner market, so I began to join Sandy on her listless afternoon porch sits. We talked about things. She told me all about her life and her friends and her family. I told her the superficial details of my family life. I could tell she knew I was skipping over so many important things. She never said anything about it, but I could just tell by the widened questioning look in her eyes that she hungered for more information. One of her sisters would yell at her out the window that she needed to come sweep up the kitchen. She would roll her eyes and tell me that she would do anything to get away from her family and out of this small town. I never said it for fear of more questions, but I felt exactly the same way.

We spent long lazy afternoons at the Wilbee Theater watching the matinee three times over. I began to go to church with her family on Sundays since my mother was boycotting and my father, in his usual passively abiding way, was going along with her delusions. I avoided bringing Sandy home at all costs. On the rare occasions that she did come over, I made sure my mother was gone on one of her shopping excursions, which was sure to take a while. Her house was close enough to walk, but I told her to come in on the side street because I’d be waiting for her in the driveway. I hoped that she couldn’t see any of the little plastic animals in the front yard which had now grown past just flamingos to include see gulls and turtles as well. We would spend the afternoon in the living room watching television and then before my mother came back I would make up some lame excuse to rush her out of the house. I didn’t want her to go, but for my sake I knew she had to. I was too embarrassed to show Sandy the way things really were for me.

A week before school was to start again, I woke up to the sound of the record player gushing with sound. Some classical piece by some composer that I didn’t care to know about was reverberating throughout our house. I stuck my head out my bedroom door to see my mother rushing down the hall at a quickened pace with handfuls of her outlandish clothing. She had streams of mascara diluted by tears running down her face. I silently followed her through the living room and out the front door where I watched her thrust the contents of her hands out onto the grass amidst the zoo of fake animals. I saw that my father, looking quite __ from being awoken out of his sleep, was standing on the edge of the porch, looking silently overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. I didn’t have to talk to him to know that nothing had caused this outburst, it was just my mother slipping back into her bad days. My mother bumped my shoulder as she burst her way back through our lima bean door in search of more goods to throw out. My father returned inside unsure of his next move as I took a seat on the swing.

I never understood why she was this way. Her behavior followed no plan, it was totally unpredictable and unexplainable. There was nothing any of us could do to help her. I sat staring into the already muggy Alabama morning and began to notice an approaching figure in the distance. My mother rushed by with another load of dresses and wigs and vampy stockings as the violins swelled to a musical apex inside. It did not take me long to realize that the approaching figure was Sandy. What was she doing here? We had no plans today, and she had never just appeared at my house without warning like this, and today of all days was not the day to be doing so. I rushed out into the yard past the turtles and sunhats and seagulls and floral skirts to the street to meet Sandy. By this time my mother had sprawled herself out on the grass and was flailing her arms, ripping up the grass and tearing the closest articles of clothing as the violins wailed inside.

I hoped that as I found my way to Sandy she might not be able to hear my mother’s screaming sobs and that she might not find it odd that classical music was playing louder than classical music had ever been played in the background, but I could tell by the look on her face she knew something was going on. As I met her in the street she walked right past me until she was standing dead center in front of our house. I watched in horror at what was happening and in fear of what might come next as her eyes poked from point to point of this bazaar scene. I saw her glance back at the lima bean door, then to the plastic animals, the outlandish outfits and finally stopping on my mother, who by now had reduced her sobs to low pitiful murmurs and her flailing and ripping to simply burying her face in the grass. My father stepped out the front door and walked up to my mother. He noticed Sandy’s presence and gave us both a nod as he helped my mother up and back into the house. I turned to Sandy.
“Look, I think I should explain all this.”
“I came here because I was wondering if you wanted to go down to the river with me today.”

*needs some work, but im happy. we'll see what happens

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

im in the library




some images from my latest graphic design project. i had to create images for ways to represent the word protect. i had to do 50 of them. i almost died.

so now on only four hours of sleep i am apparently going to go through the rest of my day and get stuff done. im all to afraid this will not be the case.

yesterday i broke down. i enjoy being busy. i know people who go nonstop and it seems so awesome. but apparently im not cut out for that line of work. ever since i got to knoxville its just been one thing after another. i just got way too overwhelmed yesterday and ended up calling my mom crying. i dont do this ever.

she assured me it would be fine and im now going to drop down to 12 hours to make things a little easier on myself. she also assured me that when we get a little ways down the road, i can make the kinds of changes i want to make. she told me that i didnt have to be miserable all the time.

once again i find myself telling myself that its time i stopped worrying about graduating asap or knowing everything about my future or having everything planned out and just do what i enjoy so that at least all this can be a bearable experience.

i told her i wasnt sure what i wanted other than dropping that class at this point.

i dont think i was in a good emotional state to be making any decisions anyway.

i suppose i should read or something.

Friday, August 24, 2007

split screen sadness

i cant wait to figure out whats wrong with me
so i can say this is the way that i used to be
theres no substitute for time
or for the sadness
split screen sadness
we share the sadness
split screen sadness

i feel as though my greatest fears are coming true. i always knew i wouldnt make a good girlfriend, in fact its something ive always warned potential suitors of. people disagree because they know the aspects in which i am a good girlfriend. but perhaps the bad in me outweighs the good. i think i always knew i wasnt cut out for this game.

i find it impossible to shift from the life ive known for 19 years to a life where i have to take another person's feelings and opinions into consideration before i act. its horrible i know, but i just dont feel like ill ever be any good at compromising, and im not really sure where that leaves me. sometimes i feel like i cant give another person what they deserve, and maybe its better off that i just stay away. i suppose im always worried about standing up for myself and not changing for another person, but there is a certain amount of give and take that has to happen to make things work.

im so confused about how i feel right now im not even sure how to write it. maybe thats a sure sign that im wrong if i dont even know how to explain myself.

this same thing happened before. i went away. he started getting close. i got scared and ran further away. i dont want this to become a cycle.

maybe this is about loss of control.
or maybe im just being mean.
maybe im just scared of being hurt.

i dont even know what my problem is anymore.

and im getting tired of guessing.

Monday, August 20, 2007

you were not the same after that.





man what a way to finish out the summer. john mayer with my two best friends. i cant think of a better way to end things. but alas here i am in knoxville again. every time i cross the henley street bridge taking the back way into campus and see the entire city stretched out before me i cant believe im back here again. im not sure how to feel about it anymore. what i feel is not excitement or happiness, but its not necessarily sadness either. i think its something like a quiet resolve and understanding that this is the way things are now and now i must continue.

after a week here i find myself only moderately moved in. ive spent the downtime returning to my favorite pastime of facebook stalking, cooking and eating way too much food, thinking about jordan and watching the same episode of the hills over and over again on mtv (those bitches are like so immature). i spent three wasted nights at the foothills of the smokey mountains in the lovely mountain town of pigeon forge aka redneck vegas. i briefly considered suicide or other forms of escape, but decided that learning a few sorority cheers (or a hundred) might be more beneficial than ending my life. i interviewed with bill, the wedding photog i met with back in december, i have the job and though it may be a struggle at times to make it home when i want to, it seems much more like an optimal situation than i was originally thinking.

so this is it. rush starts today and school begins on wednesday. i am not at all ready for this. im much more content here this year than i was last year. i know someone loves me somewhere even though hes not here, and my friendship with kelley continues to thrive despite the distance. these are things i can always count on, and its the things you can always count on that matter. its the things you can always count on that keep you going. im living in a condominium paradise, so perhaps i have no excuses as to why i shouldnt be happy this year. im sure ill find some way to complain my way through it.

this summer was great. it wasnt great in an explosive crazy laughter good times kinda way like some summers of the past have been. and it wasnt great in a melancholy wrapping up things final closure kinda way like last summer. this summer was emotionally brutal in the bet and worst ways. it was an add and drop kind of summer. i added in the things that mattered most to me, and dropped the things that may have been holding me back. perhaps ive discovered the loveliness of the word no.

im not a big fan of making people mad at me or making people upset with me. this makes no my greatest enemy, for the word no tends to piss people off. but i suppose sometimes no is the best thing you can do. sometimes you cant move forward until you release the weight of all that extra baggage youre carrying along at your side. thats just what i needed to do. i needed to get rid of the things that were holding me down. coming back home brought me so much joy, but it also reintroduced characters of the past that i would have rather not encountered. i faced them all one by one, and in my own way catered to each individual, i told them no.

perhaps sometimes you must love yourself before you can love anyone else.

and perhaps to love yourself you have to rid yourself of your demons.

and perhaps ridding yourself of demons means saying no.

so to all the facebook stalkers. the college kids tucking themselves into little apartments in the city. the friends ive left behind and even those aforementioned demons. i bid you all a wonderful sophomore year.

we have only today. let us begin.

Friday, August 10, 2007

takeoffs and landings.





walkin tall
you got it all
you were not the same after that
till someone died
on the lighter side
you were not the same after that
you see em drop like flies
from their bright sunny skies
they come knockin at your door
with this look in their eyes
you got one good trick and youre hangin on youre hangin on.

i cant believe i leave to go back to tennessee tomorrow. the thing i looked forward to most has all year long has now come to a close, the thing that kept me going, the idea of being here for three solid months is now drawing to an end.

in past summers, i could point out so many amazing things that happened. long lazy afternoons spent with my girlfriends, my female soul mates lounging by the pool or wreaking havoc on roswell with our crazy scavenger hunts.

but this summer, though i was fortunate enough to participate in many amazing events, i dont remember so much the events that happened, the nights and days and individual pieces of a puzzle three months in the making, but i remember the way i felt.

so how did i feel?
its almost impossible for me to describe. there were moments of pure joy, many nights of stupidity and laughter particularly with kelley, there was love. these things coupled with tons of crying, anger towards the demons of my past, and other emotional moments somehow came together to make some kind of beautiful symphony. though not all moments were happy-go-lucky, i never got bored.

and now sitting on the edge of the summer i cant help but feel like a kid on a carousel. i spent so much time waiting, tingling with expectation and excitement. the ride was amazing, but now i am forced to go back to the waiting line and wait my turn once again for the next ride.

i hate the waiting line.

im so scared for the coming year, yet excited as well. i cant help but keep hearing the voice in the back of my head that says "stop worrying about change. stop fighting it. the best you can do is hope that things will work out for the best in the long run even if they arent what you want today."

if nothing else, i decided my approach to this school year would be to fill my schedule up so much, that there would be no time to feel. if you never get the chance to stop and realize youre lonely, maybe it wont hurt so much.

but the truth of the matter is,
i think ive got a lot to look forward to.

Saturday, July 21, 2007


see thats the problem with these things. you write something in the heat of the moment then regret it later. i just wanted to talk to someone last night, but didnt have enough sense in my arguments to actually call someone up to chat. so i come here, let it all out and then regret it in the morning.


ughh

Friday, July 20, 2007

some things never fade.


well between taking some awful pictures, having a crazy mental breakdown in front of my mom, barely showing up for/doing work and sufficiently bitching out my boyfriend ive just been a truly model citizen this week.

so what do i do?

sit alone in my house eating trader joe's chocolate chip cookies which will make it all better, of course.

ok im shutting the cookie box. this is just getting gross.

the flower pictured above was one of several sitting in my room when i got home from hawaii. i had just gotten home from an amazing trip and then i got flowers. why did i get flowers? i didnt do a thing to deserve them. but i got flowers.

you know in the movies when the protagonist is confronting another character, calling them out for their behavior, and they just say one simple thing and it has such a huge impact on the other character that it changes their behavior? i cant think of any good examples but it happens in a lot of movies. i always thought that was a pretty unrealistic thing because i feel like if someone actually made a profound statement like that to someone, the person being called out would just argue back and there would be no profound life changing experience. but maybe it really does happen. i mean im not going to promise that ill be making any huge life changes soon, but (long story) after crying for probably almost an hour over something as simple as a doctors appointment, coupled with the dinner conversation jbomb and i had about how uncertain i was about my future and how i worried myself sick over it on a regular basis, he leaned over me in my bed and looked me in the eye and said "angie you're nineteen years old. its ok to not have it all figured out."

i know i know, simple statement. one ive probably made to myself hundreds of times. but something about the context of this whole situation, the timing, maybe even the place, made it so much more profound. i cry today just thinking of that moment.

and once again i do not deserve this. i dont deserve the flowers or the dinners or the support and care and affection.

this is not something someone told me.
this is not how someone made me feel.
this is how i made me feel.
this is something ive felt my entire life.
current situations arent really making that feeling lessen. because now i feel like i have so many gifts in my life and so many things for which i should be very thankful.

but then i look at myself and realize how ungrateful i am for it all. i sometimes act like its always going to be there no matter what i say or do. its ok angie, step all over it, youve got the fuckin world on a string, itll always be at your fingertips.

i see myself being manipulative and moody.

its like looking in the mirror and seeing this ugly face. attempting to mask it with every potion known to man.

but some things never fade.

i have a feeling i might make my life easier by just deleting this whole entry.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

the pms manifesto aka: way to go eve.


i sometimes wonder if i could come back to earth as a boy, would i?

i mean ive never been a boy so im sure it has its fair share of disadvantages. but id dare say its got some quite hefty advantages as well.

no more hours spent in the bathroom shaving legs waxing brows and depilitating unmentionables. boys can be as hairy as they want and it most arenas it is found to be socially acceptable.

no more stupid girl problems, drams, she said she saids and gossipy bullshit. when guys have problems they just hit each other, someone wins and its done.

but i think greatest of all these things, the overwhelming advantage that the male race has over women is the lack of pms and the horror that surely follows it each and every month.

ok, so im not going to get graphic here dont worry. i know there are males out there reading this too, but im not sure i can pinpoint any aspect of a males life that requires him to be debilitated with migrane-level headaches, doubled over with muscular cramps or blow up to the size of snoopy on thanksgiving at the macys parade every 28 days. its every womans selling point on how we got shafted in the roles of the human race.

and who do we have to thank for this biological torture? why its miss eve herself. eve had a choice to save us all from this misery, but no, she would rather have had an apple than spare thousands of generations of bleeding women from their crampy, misconstrued, hormonal fate.

geez at least she coulda chosen a something a little more delectable and irresistable to the taste buds than an apple. a piece of chocolate cake, a pizza or at least some cheese its supposedly good for the bones which might have been a nice choice since now all the women on hormone therapy are getting OSTEOPEROSIS. i mean this was an important choice. hmm, do i keep the entire universe in harmony forever and ever? or do i eat an apple? cmon eve. seriously. way to drop the ball.

its ok eve, i forgive you. women have a higher body fat percentage than men. we get hungry. it was bound to happen one of these days. and for the record, i enjoy being a girl. we all have ouir days but i think girldom makes for a pretty interesting life. besides, girls get cuter shoes. so there.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

push the pedal down, watch the world around fly by us.




im not sure what i want to accomplish in this entry. what i want to say. what i want to discuss. i became inspired to write again from my trip to hawaii. the trip was amazing and i love everything about hawaii and if i had to relocate tomorrow thats the first place i would go.

while there i got to work with a local photographer. i asked him how he got started and he told me he just started showing up at a resort near his house and photographing families on vacation. he would run the film home and process it and come back with prints the next day. it blossomed from that and eventually he was doing it for real.

ive been around enough photographers to finally realize that that is how its done: you make your own way. your future becomes what you want it to be. kelly went to the art institute for photography and has now settled in a job working around photography but not with it. im sure she could be great if she struck out on her own, but i just dont see that happening right now. belton moved to california. now hes working around people like mandy moore and sarah michelle geller. belton and kelly both have made their own way, but with very different aspirations in mind. i prefer the belton method.

the hawaii trip gave me time to sit back relax and just think. its something i havent done in a while because ive been so busy trying to cram all the pleasures of home into a seemingly miniscule summer. in the end i came to a singular conclusion: over the past year, i grew up.

ive always been mature for my age, but even the mature have issues along the way. i spent a lot of time with myself, and when you have nowhere else to turn and no one else to rely on that makes you a very strong. yes i was meek. i was shy. i was ashamed that when my friends from home came to visit me at school i couldnt show them a good time because i didnt know what one was. but in the end it made me strong.

it was a long road to get to strength though. in one simple moment at the end of last summer, i felt quite worthless. its almost like when someone who supposedly cares about you lets you go, you wonder to yourself "if that person of all people doesnt care, then i guess no one does...and then again neither should i care about me"

so i stopped caring about me. i did whatever and went with the flow and by the end of january i found myself at an emotional breaking point.

so i moved on. i pretended to delve into my schoolwork for the remainder of spring semester. i developed a relationship with jbh. i may have even started to like my sorority, kinda.

and thats what i did.

then i came back here and found my art again and slept in a comfy bed and spent time with the ones i love and achieved some assimilitude of familiarity once again.

but ill never achieve paradise. home has its deamons as well. they never fail to return at my doorstep pushing my limits and asking me questions i don want to entertain. im dealing with these deamons one by one each day.

maybe i dont see the real changes in me over the past year. maybe ive become a coldhearted bitch. maybe im not interesting. maybe im becoming my parents. maybe i think im better than everyone else.

im not really sure of anything else, but i am sure that i feel stronger. its something im working on everyday. jbh says i have a tendency to go along with anything anyone tells me just to avoid conflict or having someone dislike me. hes absolutely right and i know this. and ovbiously being disliked is not really something anyone wants to be, but there are times when its for the cause of self defense. you can shoot someone in self defense and not be charged for murder.

so thats where im at. working each day to try to convince myself that i am in fact worth someting despite how i may have felt in the past.

and thats why last tuesday i cried for an hour.
and thats why in my relationship i feel like im getting the better end of the deal.
and thats why im ready to stop dealing with the fallout of last year, and start seeing the good that has come, the strength and most important enjoy my newfound highly-improved ecstacy.

this has been long and disconbobbled and i apologize to anyone who tried to read this for that. i leave you with a word from my favorite poet pablo neruda:

Love, a question
has destroyed you.

I have come back to you
from thorny uncertainty.

I want you straight as
the sword or the road.

But you insist
on keeping a nook
of a shadow that i do not want.

hello internet world, its good to see you again.




well, its been awhile. that is for a few reasons. i truly have been quite busy over the past month, and i couldnt be happier about that. lots and lots of photography, making money (yay finally) and of course last but certainly not least spending time with the increasingly wonderful jbomb hottie (i believe that for the purposes of internet shorthand and to avoid any confusion with previous jordans in my life ill call him jbh from here on out haha). yes home has certainly been wonderful for a multitude of reasons. i only regret that i feel distant from most of my girlfriends here at home. i knew we would grow apart, i guess i just didnt expect it to happen this quickly. but i suppose thats the punishment i get for staying stagnant for an entire year while everyone else moved on with their lives. no matter, the truly important people in my life are right where i left them and they always will be.

in addition to my business i havent written due to a lack of material. this blog has become such a breeding ground for my gripes and complaints and infinite sadnesses about life that its almost like when things are going well i feel no need to write.

then i had doubts. i considered shutting down this blog. then i considered making a new private one. i feel like i havent really been able to write all i feel in this because it has a tendency to upset people (and no jbh im not talking to you). the truth is, im neurotic and often make up problems and anxieties in my head that in fact do not exist in real life, but i write them here and then people freak out. but im tired of having to put little disclaimers on everything i say. so maybe this shouldnt be out there for the public to see...

...but then again youve all had a year and a half long glimpse into my mind. if the writings went away youd still know the kinds of things i was thinking, you just wouldnt have written specifics, and maybe knowing the things i would never say would hurt even more.

i dunno.

but ive gotten used to this thing over time and after i came home from hawaii i really wanted to get back into writing in this. i got totally inspired to write about how great everything was and my newfound optimism. somehow today that got semi thrown out the window for reasons i wont mention explicitly here.

well writing one really long entry seems really intimidating right now. so ill split it up.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

something better.





i think my mother and i have the same disease. we talked about it this afternoon as i stood in the kitchen in half my work uniform drinking water out of my pi phi bottle, hair a mess.

we both hate to be hated.

i cant stand the thought of me doing something that would make someone else have ill will towards me in any way. i dont know if its me selfishly looking out for my reputation or if its some sort of guilty conscience keeping me from doing harm to others. but i think more than anything, it is my inability to close the books in my life.

i hate the idea of having a definite end to anything in my life. so i half-close doors. i half ass quit my job just in case i want to go back there again later...wanna make sure they still like me. i act nice when i dont feel that way towards people because i dont know if ill regret ending relationships with them.

i forget that maybe i could do better. maybe i dont need to break friendships nicely, pretend everything is normal and ok when it is not. maybe i deserve better than that. maybe there will be toher friends, just as good if not better. maybe i should remind myself that if im worth what i had in the first place, then i can certainly get all those things and more back again.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

love lies bleeding in my hands.





give me something to believe in
cause i dont believe in you
anymore
anymore.

ive noted that the older i get, the more i learn about myself. my tendencies, my stregnths, my weaknesses, my abilities, my moods, my thought processes. the friends i make and the people i interact with (or choose not to interact with) i believe are largely based on the portrait i paint of myself. as the things i learn about myself change, the types of people and the individuals themselves that i surround myself with change in accordance. it may seem sad at the time, but the truth, i believe, is that it's all just part of the cycle of becoming the person you should be.

so im thinking about my senior girls: jenny, heather, alex, others. they are all in the same spot i was last year. i put myself back in that place and realize how much i have learned and grown in the past year.

so i tested the waters a bit. tried some things out. carried on relationships that i'll never forget, though some days i probably wish i could. in the end i believe i learned that just as much happiness can be experienced through the more steady (read: boring) relationships i have with people than the wild crazy passionate interesting ones.

i mean sure, who doesn't love to be swept of their feet by someone who turns their world upside down and shakes everything theyve ever thought about the universe into pieces? its exciting, its different, its fun and ill be the first to admit its life changing, much for the better.

but in that case the highs are so high but the lows are that much lower. there are certain things you look for: honesty, availability, accountability and theyre just not there in this kind of relationship.

then theres the slow and steady relationship. it may not be exciting or passionate or revolutionary, but above all else it is true to its core. you wont spend weeks upon weeks in ecstacy, but you also wont spend weeks upon weeks in deep depression with this relationship.

at the end of the day though some may argue this allows for little or no personal growth, i choose the slow and steady. and to those who say this hinders growth i say this to you: change must come from within. sure others are often catalysts for change in our lives, but only YOU truly know yourself and YOU know what needs to change. no one can do that for you and you shouldnt allow them to. that being said i now take complete credit for the changes made in my life and in my views, a special thanks to those who helped me along the way, but truth be told you didnt do the hard work; i did.

with the slow and steady, i feel cared for all the time not just when its convinent. with the slow and steady, honesty is the name of the game, and that feels nice. with the slow and steady,time is not spent in overdramatized arguments.

i am very thankful to all the people i have in my life who roll slow and steady.

Monday, May 21, 2007

the stupid girl.

i remember a day several months ago. i looked pretty that day. i had just come from the place i used to work. i had my boots and my pencil skirt and that cardigan everyone always compliments me on on. my hair looked nice and my mascara curled my lashes such that i looked lovely, irresistible if you will.

it was warm for december, but then again last winter was mild in general. i hadnt been home from school long at all, but it felt good to be here. endless possibilities stretched out before me on the long break ahead.

i remember conversation, laughter, comfort once again. the warm feeling of being around someone i care about and someone who really knew me and had seen me in all lights instead of the superficial plasticity of my newfound so called college friends.

i remember the feeling of sheets cool against my face, burying my head into the pillow of a familiar place. i remember the feeling of friendship, of more than that, of closeness.

then i remember the cold sharp sting. the ripping pain. the heavy drop in my stomach. the bastard hands that pushed me away, that told me no, nevermind, i dont want you.

the question of right and wrong and what worked out for the best is not something im here to discuss today. im here to say that there are some things from which you can never recover.

i remember walking down the front porch steps back to my car that day with a feeling of resolve. i felt good. the incident: forgotten.

but i was not fine. maybe i never will be fine.

because of that day and so many others, i am regularly reminded of what i stupid girl i am. some days it goes away, but the right events, the right words out of someones mouth, the right phase of the moon can always bring it back.

and now, because of that day and so many others before it, i feel stupid for spending time making myself beautiful. i feel stupid for trying to be romantic. i feel stupid for trying to be sexy. i feel stupid for believing that i could ever be someones somebody. i feel stupid for thinking i am important. i feel stupid for believing i am something other than an object to anyone.

maybe that day and so many others before it is just an easy target for me to blame for the way i feel and the way i am today. maybe its no ones fault but my own. maybe those events didnt really shape who i am now.

but im not so sure anyone could understand until they feel the cold deceptive fondling touch of outright rejection.

Monday, May 14, 2007




so this blog is slowly becoming just a weekly thing haha. i used to depend on it more i think. the emotional highs and lows had to go somewhere outside of myself, and im sure my friends were sick of hearing about it over and over, if they were even there at all. now i dont feel quite so manic anymore, though i do want to keep this thing going. its been an excellent record of the past year and half and been a very interesting thing to look back upon after the fact.

hey!
you know what i forgot to do?
recap the school year in song duh.
so here goes:

August: World-Five for Fighting (basically the entire Two Lights album)

September :(and the rest of the year pretty much): Continuum-John Mayer with an emphasis on Stop This Train, Dreaming with a Broken Heart, Belief, and Slow Dancing in a Burning Room.

October:The Arts and Crafts Sampler Album as well as Broken Social Scene-Shoreline

November: Romulus-Sufjan Stevens and the Outtakes and Rarities Album also by Sufjan Stevens.

December: 9 (the album) bye Damien Rice, more specifically Accidental Babies and Rootless Tree and Headlock-Imogen Heap

January: I dont really remember anything about January and it was kinda a fucked up month...lets forget that month

February: Cupid's Chokehold-Gym Class Heroes, So Contagiously-Acceptance, Legacy- Nicole Nordeman

March: Cruel as School Children (album) by Gym Class Heroes (SB07 duh), Phantoms (album) by Acceptance, Puzzle (album) by Tahiti 80

April: The Light in Your Eyes and There Goes the Neighborhood both by Sheryl Crow, Say You Will-Fleetwood Mac, Eleanor Rigby-The Beatles, Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)-Arcade Fire

So there you have it, my year in music. It certainly brings back a lotttt of memories. I believe that second only to scent, music is the strongest evoker of memories.

I'll be writing in this again soon. with no job in site and not much else to do i should have plenty of free time on my hands...plus i forgot how much i like doing this haha.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

farewell to the 305.

well im sitting here at 515pm scarfing down popcorn because its the only thing left in my dorm room that looks remotely appealing. all the things i brought to make this place have the comforts of home are gone: my photographs, a rug, george foreman grill and of course the television for greys anatomy. i, as are my two comrades ebeth and porterhouse, am waiting for the grand finale of all this mess. i check out tomorrow morning at 1030 and then is 75 south to freedomland aka: summer at home.

the 305 has been good to me. save the trains and construction outside at all hours of the night and morning, the lack of hot water in the shower at times and my microwave's inability to evenly heat anything, this has been a great experience. i am proud to say that i won the tally of most visitors throughout the year with a total of ten, though i did not take the first to have a boy spend the night title, that was unofficially taken by helen, though i was not far behind. we will end our year much like our friendship began, with a dinner of green bean fries and oreo cake, a few bottles of wine and some good stories, surely to end up with me rolling around on the floor, though i can only hope ill have enough time to sweep up all the skank nasty dust bunnies before this is to occur. there has really been no time or want to be sentimental about this whole year ending thing, and im ok with that. if have learned anything from being at least 200 miles away from all my high school friends it is this: the ones you are meant to stay in touch with you will. obviously its something you have to work at, but if the friendship is truly there, you will make the efforts. i have even grown closer to some people being apart than i was when we were together...hell i even got a boyfriend out of it. so thats why i dont get sad about this, im living with one of the 305 gangstas next year, and the other two, well we'll see how it goes.

though the weeks and days drug on and the classes seemed like they might never end, this year in truth has been the shortest one yet. a lot of growing up has gone down in the past year, and ive learned a lot about myself, as usual. this year has been one long struggle for sanity and identity. i spent much of the year questioning who i was and where i was going. i contemplated my future. i went crazy. i regretted not regretting that i went crazy. but just as soon as you can swing yourself one way, you can turn it back around...if thats indeed what you want to do. at the end of the day, that i s what i wanted to do, so i did.

i still havent found my niche here at ut. im adjusting more each and every day. it still concerns me that im at the top of the art program. im not sure ill stay here for the next three years. but its only three years. but then again you just never know where youll be led. never say never. i keep reminding myself how many times ive found that to be oh so true in my life and in the lives of those around me.

so how can i sum up the fresman experience? in coach coyle's words its been real and its been fun, but its not been real fun. nothing horrible happened, but nothing amazing did either. i cant complain, but i cant brag either. but its not about the good things or the bad things, its about the experience. ive been down a path and through scenarios i may not have ever expected before. ive grown up a little bit and regained myself, albeit a new self.

i leave this for my high school senior friends:
enjoy the rest of school and summer, you want to get out so badly, but there are things you'll miss when youre gone. love your family, theyre the one sure thing youve got. dont let anything scare you and dont judge. campbells microwavable soups will get you through the winter. dont hang around the frat houses too much, dont get drunk with people you dont know well and dont ever forget who you are even if youre not sure who that person is at the time.

so i bid the 305 a fond farewell. happy summer to all, ill be seeing you soon.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

drift.


helen sent me this picture today. this is us on the day of move in way back in august. note how gross and awkward we look. so much has changed (at least i like to think that) i think this picture email came at the perfect time to be included in my blog.

a school year has come and gone (basically, lets nevermind the fact that ive got three finals ahead of me next week and a lot of prep work for said finals that i am currently in the process of avoiding). i cant believe how fast its gone by. when i think about individual weeks at a time, longing for my next trip down 75-south, things seem to have moved very very slowly, but as a whole this has been the fastest school year yet. however i cant say im sad that it went by so quickly. freshman year is awkward and strange and takes a lot of adjusting. freshman year being over? not such a sad prospect to me. i see it as a victory that i actually made it through a whole year without jumping out my dorm room window.

i spent a lot of time by myself this year. not sure if thats a good or bad thing. i could go either way on the issue. once again, i proved to myself that im quite independent. independence can be a bad thing, shutting people out and such, but ive realized even moreso what a gift i have of not having to rely on other people for things. this ability has allowed me to grow going off to school without having other people tell me how to be or what to do. the independence has also shielded me a little bit from getting hurt. sure i got hurt my fair share, but independence can function as a defense mechanism in the right situations. this year i did some things im not proud of, maybe even lost myself a little bit, but i wonder if you ever really know who you truly are if you dont step outside yourself for a few minutes and be someone else. i appreciate my life, the GOOD people around me and myself as a person so much more because of what i allowed myself to do and who i allowed myself to be there for that little while. im not proud of it, and i can live the rest of my life without repeating it, but now i see the positive that has come out of it.

i dont know what the next few years will bring. i think back to a year ago and think about who i was and who i thought i would be and how i thought my college life would be and realize how dead wrong i was. here i sit on the first of may, 2007 a sorority girl, art student, with two good friends in college, five pounds lighter, with the high school sweetheart boyfriend. its not exactly how i pictured myself, which is what makes me question the future all that much more. if i had no idea how my life would be a year ago, how can i have any perception of how it will be in another year, two years, by graduation?

but you cant do that to yourself. its a losing battle. no one can predict the future and trying is suicidal. last night i spoke with a friend about her and her boyfriend's relationship. she had some reservations about their future. she posed some questions that i myself have thought about, but dont want to. this conversation was a little unnerving for me, a girl in a new relationship that i really want to be successful. jordan and i talked about it too and i felt better. wandering aimlessly around my house this morning the final verdict on the situation occurred to me: stop making such a big deal out of everything! with my newfound relationship as well as with my friend's relationship, we are not losing anything. we are never losing. even if it ends we dont lose a thing. and if you think of things in terms of losing, you're only setting yourself up for unneccesary worry and grief. i have not gained a boyfriend. i dont have a boyfriend, i have a new best friend. and if that should end then it will be no more than the drifting away of two friends. it is indeed sad, but its happened to me before. looking at this situation as a friendship feels so much more right, and i feel like viewing this relationship as a friendship meakes it more real and true. theres no need to worry about the future. worries about the future are always incorrect and unwarranted.

life is crazyyyyy. it hurts my brain to try and figure it out.

so maybe i should just stop trying and go with it.

seriousness is for old people and librarians.

"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, we have only today, let us begin"
-helen keller

Sunday, April 22, 2007

closing time.




so i dont know if i can reiterate this enough. im ready to go home! i am done here.

jordan came this weekend for formal and it was wonderful. i forgot about everything else going on, which is what i strive to do on a daily basis anyway, and just enjoyed myself. i am now dehydrated, tired and have a variety of other issues i wont go into, but it was a fun weekend. formal was fun and despite the happiness i feel that jordan was there, my most favorite and memorable part of the evening may have been stuffing myself into the bathroom with about 15 of my sorority sisters, everyone bouncing around and talking and being crazy. then of course there were the meatballs and the spicy crackers, i suppose those could be considered highlights as well haha.

so now jordan is gone and im back to the realities at hand. he took our futon with him which means the room is slowly but surely turning back to its original shape. when i leave this place on may 9th it will have bare floors, beds on the floor, bare walls, and empty warm fridge. it will look just like the institutional cell that i walked into on august 19th, devoid of all the memories, the emotions, the hours spent on ichat, the wine parties, the studying, the sleeping late and staying up all nights.

but it is sooo time to move on.

i'm so excited for what summer is sure to bring me. but i also approach summer with a hint of reservation. home is now almost an unfamiliar place. the same people will return but they will not be the same people that once resided there. its scary to face the facts of what will come of me and some of my friends, its not always a pretty sight.

then theres the prospect of finally being in a relationship with someone i share a zip code with. but i also approach this with a sense of reservation. the deeper i go, the harder i fall. the distance makes it easier to keep myself in line, to try to precent myself from becoming too invested in this. to protect myself. but when the distance goes away, i know i will forget about all those things, as i rightfully should. letting go and enjoying yourselves is what its all about. but when the time comes, can i handle the distance again? at the end of the day it will become a question of seriousness, are we willing to face three more years of this struggle? is it worth the sacrifice?

i dont know, its very apparent upon my reading back over what i just said that i am thinking way to deeply into this. summer hasnt even begun yet. if i spend my time worrying about what the end of summer will bring, ill miss the summer itself.

can i just reiterate once more that im so ready to get out of here. tennessee has been kind to me, but im tired of being a freshman.

im ready to go home.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

bored.

so im really tired of everything and im really unmotivated to do anything, including thinking deeply or profoundly about anything for this blog. instead i offer you this shotty substitute. id like to see if any of you faithful readers out there have been paying attention. so here is something to distract you from what you should be doing, a quiz about yours truly. try it out and lets see who can get the highest score. buena suerte!









Take My Quiz on
QuizYourFriends.com








Can you Ace my quiz?
Yes!
No
Let's Find Out!





Monday, April 16, 2007

let doomsday begin.




so today someone shot and killed 30 people, then himself at virginia tech. another shooting occurred at the dorms where two more were shot dead. the largest shooting in US history, school or not. i recall walking around campus here one afternoon and remarking to myself how easy it would be for someone to take out a ton of people very quickly on our campus. you wanna piss some people off? why not hit america at its heartland, hit some innocent students, hit a large group of people at once? its such a scary idea to entertain.

i think these kinds of things easily affect me. i become glued to the tv as the facts of the disaster unravel bit by bit. i imagine myself in the scenario, a young life taken so quickly. i think of the nickelback video for "saving me" where the people are walking around with the countdown clocks counting down the years, months, days, minutes and seconds left in their lives. to think that we are predisposed to a certain length of time in life, a mystery length that we can never know, that is until the string runs to the end, the final and unrepentable knot. it often takes real life situations and living vicariously through others' trauma to remember this fact.

the doomsday clock now sits at five minutes till midnight. i see the way the world is going and its not a pretty picture. when i think about how i perceive the state of the world to be at this time, i think about the night of september 11, 2001. i remember walking to the window and looking at the dark night sky, not a plane in site. i reflected on all that happened that day. on the innocence lost. on a new world view. on an outlook of fear in the future. on the feeling that maybe everything i had once thought was true or right no longer existed. on the world for what it truly is: scary, uncertain and illusive.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

correspondence


Angie,
I purchased a box of cards without giving it a second thought simply because they had such a great pattern. the cost is justifiable if they are able to aid in preserving certain relationships or bonds.

it is sunday and raining so there is plenty of time to think, to write, to reconnect.

how is photography going now that you are doing film? i recently began a paid membership with fotocommunity after realising i no longer do photography for fun. next time that you are in atlanta, i would lie to work/shoot with you, that is if you desire and are willing.

i now see that i am distancing myself further from most everyone in my life, and am also allowing many bonds to break and connections go lost. i can not say why though, but i do feel more inspired, confident, and simply happy than ever befor.

do write to me befor i become a complete hermit in a cave some where.

jordan

**********************************

jordan,
it was nice to hear from you. i like your stationary too. i hope you are doing well and i hope you don't become a hermit in a cave. in an effort to prevent such an event, i am writing you back.

things are just fine here in the tennesseee hills. schoolwork keeps me busy, but i am ready to be done for the year. film has been interesting for me and i've enjoyed working in the darkroom and now i'm back to my digital comfort zone for the rest of the semester. i haven't been happy with any of my work for almost a year. i figured coming here to a new place would provide new inspiration and that my work would flourish, but that was not the case. i ended up frustrated and unsatisfied each time i went out to shoot. my professor told me to put down my camera and live my life and it will come back to me, so that is what i am doing. that is not to say i've quit by any means, but i'm not forcing anything right now. i'm doing it for enjoyment and trying to have fun and experiment and play once again.

i have a boyfriend now, a high school sweetheart who i was lucky enough to have come back to me. we have been dating for almost two months, and i am very happy. ironically enough his name is also jordan, not to be confused with you since you two are very different people. he is the type of guy i could see you laughing at after he left the room, but he is not too unlike the type of man i would like to marry someday, so i am very happy. the girl you knew those months ago was not the same one writing you today. she was not me. but i am much happier in general now. i feel you have played an intergral part in my journey from then to now and i am very thankful to you for that. i looked online at your recent work and i like where you are going. jade looks beautiful as usual and i'm sure you're happy that margaux is back in the area. i hope the studio has not killed your sense of creativity, JORDAN SHEPLER: OFFICIAL SCHOOL PHOTOGRAPHER. I would be willing to work with you when i am at home, but i will have to ask the other jordan first, he is quite protective of me. rightfully so, you know i'm a tough one to handle.

thanks again for writing and i will see you soon.

angie

Saturday, April 07, 2007

full.


i'm not afraid and i don't think its premature for me to say that im enamored.

absolutely enamored.

as if there was ever any doubt.

its this feeling, the feeling i have today that i must always keep in mind. put it in my pocket and save it for the time when i have doubts, when i feel like its not working, when i feel like its too hard, when i feel giving up.

i want to remember this day. this day and how tight i held onto everything.

baldwin lee says i need to put down the camera for ten seconds for my life and see the world without a lens, with my eyes. ive spent the past year and a half hiding behind scenarios and problems and melodramas and craziness and wild streaks and excuses and loneliness and camera lenses. when i think on these things it makes me want to cry. cry out of regret, confusion, disappointment in myself, and then cry because im free from that, cry because theres something else in life, cry because i can do better and i know this now.

so now i sit here early easter morning 2007 in the bedroom of so many nights and just as many mornings making futile attempts not to bawl. for the first time in a year and a half i feel real again. i dont feel like someone else is controlling me. i look in the mirror and i know the face staring back at me. i feel familiar to myself. i feel important. i feel worth something. i look at myself and know that i am not crazy. it has been a crazy cyle from start to finish and i cant say anyone caused anything to happen, good or bad on their own accord. i chose my reactions to the events in my life. this is my journey and no one elses.

but i just cant get over how it feels to finally feel like i know who i am. to put the excuses and the pitty party and the camera lenses and down and see myself, really see.

to feel full.

Thursday, April 05, 2007



today i am at home. this makes me so happy and its something ive waited for for a long time.

today i remembered how much my family means to me.

today i laughed because my parents get me. theyve been around for things, unlike the people i spend my days with now up in the tennessee hills.

today i stayed up until 2 am eating vegetable crackers and peanut m & m's talking on aim with the one i wish i could see everyday.

today i had chicken parmesan. and i ate it. because it was food. and it wasn't filled with onions.

today i felt beautiful.

feels good.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

the little things.



check me all techied out. w00t. thanks to jbomb for the scandalous attire haha.

this weekend has been a reminder of the importance of the little things. in a world where everything must be bigger and better and faster and stronger and more megapixels, i think we now have a rarity of the little things. and i remember from kemp's microeconomics class that the less of something there is, the greater it is prized when found. face it little children, we love the little things.

it's the random facebook message.
it's the letter in the mail saying im praying for you.
it's the phone call.
it's the stick of chapstick.
it's the door held open for you.
it's the listening ear when you need it.
it's the single pink rose.
it's the person who shows they care when you never knew they did.
it's the cancelled class.
it's the hand running up and down your back at 7 am.

at the end of the day, it's not about the number of megapixels you have, the capacity of your hardrive in gigabytes, its not about how much horsepower your packing, how many bedrooms you have, or your gpa.

it's about those little things.

by the same token, its the little things that destroy us. the little sip of the drink we thought was wine which now becomes a poison to ourselves, a small sampling of something that was supposed to be good, but turned oh so ugly faster than anyone could see it coming. it's not about the huge knock down drag out fights, it's once again those little things that destroy us.

it's the broken promise.
it's the unspoken actions with another.
it's the time you were late and you didn't call and she was worried sick about you.
it's the one kiss.
it's the one lie.
it's the three minutes when you forgot who you were and Who's you were.
it's the hidden dissatisfaction with another.
it's the one little secret.
it's the hidden meaning of what you say.

while advertising, pop culture, the media at large and our everyday environment might attempt to convince us otherwise, life is not about the big things. the big things are those we pay the extra $29.95 for and get the Gold Promise Extended 2-Year Warranty for. the big things break, run out of juice and sit forgotten in the back of the basement.

but oh those little things. they make you feel alive. they make you feel important. they make you feel loved. they reside in the eyes of God Himself. they get under your skin. they make you cry. they make you feel pain you never thought existed.

that is what the little things can do to you.

remember remember remember oh please remember the little things.


p.s. to the mr postman: i cannot help you i cannot make it go away, the best i can do for you is feed you a corny five for fighting song lyric ("when nothing's left, everything is gained") and be just a phone call away.