Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Dog eared.

"1968: Do not resent her. Think about the situation, for instance, when you take the trash bag from its box: you must throw out the box by putting it in that very trash bag. What was once contained, now must contain. The container, then, becomes the contained, the enveloped, the held. Fine more and more that you like to muse over things like this." -How to Talk to Your Mother (Notes) by Lorrie Moore

I usually dont mark or mar my books up, i figure the abuse they suffer in my backpack everyday is far enough, but i did dog ear this page in my 30/30 book for my writing class because i thought it was super interesting. "What was once contained, now must contain." How beautiful is that? It reminds me of how in life our scenarios and roles and outlooks and feelings are constantly changing. Perhaps in one relationship you are the caregiver and when you are hurt by that person the next relationship you find, you are the one being cared for. or maybe its just about growing up and getting over yourself. as things in life change, we adapt, we move on.we figure it out and we become better (or in some cases worse i suppose haha) for it. i remember in the 8th grade the theme of that school year that we did projects on over and over and over again until our heads were bleeding was the human condition. but i am amazed by the strength of the human condition.

i dont really know why im rambling on all philosophically like i know shit. haha. well counting today ive got 6 more days of classes! then on into the great abyss. maybe everyone reading this can cheer me up from my outlooks of gloom and doom by getting me a Christmas present. Or, if youre just looking for a present for someone special, I suggest you go to etsy.com (buy american motherfuckers!) everything on this sight is handmade (or antique). They have a fabulous selection of really unique jewelry all of which i love haha i even found a necklace that looks quite similar to the one that belonged to Andrew Largeman's mother in Garden State. Anyways, just thought id do a little plug for that little treasure i found haha.

i got slammed in critique this morning. but whatever, six more days...

Sunday, November 25, 2007

and we sang heerree we gooo again.

as an artist i find that you have to obsessed with something before you can make the magic happen. art comes out of your inability to put an idea or thing or person down. you work it in your head till your head cant handle it anymore and it comes out on paper or film or music or canvas.

and damn its beautiful.

i would say that at times over the past year and a half (or more) certain areas may or may not have been a mess, but now its time to make something beautiful of it.

as an artist i find i am fascinated by the weirdest things because i know the weirdest things will be what inspire me the best. one of these days im going to vomit a bunch of ideas out of my brain. im just waiting on my vomit.

here are things/people/shit im obsessed with right now, if i were you id just go with it and not ask questions:

_the studio 54 era
_resurrection ferns
_housewives (as always)
_chicago
_jordans cousin inglish
_chantal (nothing new there either)
_nighttime at sketch motels
_marta
_charleston
_kitsch fashion design
_screen printing
_and now aunt jemima

Saturday, November 24, 2007

your wheels just turn down the road ahead.

well i made it through another thanksgiving alive. no one was too mean this year. every time i leave the state of alabama i long more than ever to be everything ive always wanted to be. i know its horrible, but many of my relatives represent the things i dont want to be (bored, stuck, ignorant, stuck in their ways, uninteresting, geez im an awful person) but it just motivates me to become their target even more. i like to think they are jealous of me and that is why they pick on me so much. it may or may not be true, but either way me being successful will only benefit me.

its official, ive been accepted to kennesaw after only 2.8 million phone calls. the plan is being set forth in motion and this is the real thing. so so scary. im already apartment hunting in athens and wondering how my new life will be and how everything is going to pan out long term. there are going to be plenty of bumps along the road just like any other road i could have taken, but i feel like this is a fresh start, like im starting college all over again in a new situation and as a different person.

perhaps when youre 18, confused and emotionally bruised you arent in a place to make life changing decisions. but as i send the emails and write the checks i pray that at 20, i am.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."

i just saw some guy out the window take a complete nose dive into a flower bed full of bark trying to catch his dog. im actually quite jealous of this guy because although he just made a complete ass of himself, he looks like he is having the time of his life. today i went through my itunes throwing out old stuff, organizing some things and making a cd for my trip home. 1979 came on and it was like it was foreign to me. i still knew the words and the different musical components of the whole thing, but that is a song associated with a different time and a different me than the one that resides today. some may say i listen to it out of nostalgia and longing for days gone by, but i see it more as a marker of how far ive come. moving away from the shame and the fear and the belittling of myself and seeking out the things i deserve and the things i want out of life. im not a source of entertainment, im a human. i dont want to be quiet anymore. i dont want to be locked up anymore and i will never be anyone's toy again.

each time you move on from something else you take all the other things youve moved on from in the past with you. i guess thats what they call baggage. but its all a learning experience, you never forget anything, you cant afford to. otherwise we'd all make the same mistakes over and over. and then we'd just be idiots. when i go home the same things that have been around will still be there, but i will not be there. at least the girl i once was will not be there.

ive got places to go.
shit to do.
and someone to love.
that is all : )

in other news every time i think i have seen every episode of americas next top model, it continues to surprise me. i get sucked in to another 378 hours of it. as much as i love the photography i really dont know how much more of that show i can stand right now. i can hear it coming from downstairs. maybe ill watch a dvd and work on Christmas presents instead.

im seriously considering taking an early leave of absence to gtfo of here.

Friday, November 16, 2007

lets talk about "on edge"

so ive surpassed the point of being a little concerned or anxiously anticipating, im at the point of worried sick right now. this is not going to be another check the mailbox entry, this is about my apartment. my room mate has decided to move out and now shes breathing down my neck about why we dont have someone to live here yet. i mean come on, yesterday you were living here and now today you decided youre not going to. i cant make it happen overnight. now shes talking about attorneys and contracts and money and logistics, and its just like i just want to get out of here.

thats it!

and ill do what i need to do to make that happen, but i cant work miracles. i cant get everything organized on index cards within the next hour. sometimes you have to wait. i should have never come here in the first place. to tennessee or to this apartment. i should have known better.

but honestly im at peace about whats happened. in truth i dont feel the way i just described. obviously it would make a lot of things easier, but sometimes in life you have to make "mistakes" to get to where you need to be. so like i said, im at peace with what ive done. i just wish she wouldnt make me feel like shit for it, no one else has.

i suppose i need to be a little more understanding. ive put her in a tough spot.

off to another weekend in absolute solitude.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

mellon collie and the infinite madness.


this is what comes up every time i go to check on the status of my applications. really. you guys are just so cute i just cant even stand it. i might even piss my pants in my exultation of exactly how cute you all are. i know i know, its only been two weeks and not even a week for kennesaw. give them some time, you say.

to you i say stfu.

because i know exactly how this is all gonna go down. and now, you are at a great privilege because im going to tell you exactly in great detail how its going to go down.

the people at perimeter are most likely alum of perimeter, since after graduation the students realized they had no hopes or ambitions which i why they went there in the first place. now they have settled into an office job at the school since they were already going there everyday (suuuweeeeeeet), but dont really know what theyre doing. they spend most days covering themselves with sticky notes and making paper clip necklaces. when i call to yell at them every day about how they havent sent my transcript to kennesaw, they dont pick up the phone. they may not know what they are supposed to do when a phone rings. perhaps they think the phone ringing is some kind of bird chirping out the window. a bird native only to the georgia perimeter campus. they admire the lovely sounds of gpc fauna and then continue in their efforts to make the longest paper clip chain ever. meanwhile i record another bitchy voicemail which will never be heard because, lets face it, if they dont know how to pick up the phone we're not even going to get into their voicemail abilities, or more likely inabilities.

as far as kennesaw is concerned, since ive never attended there, i have exactly 283,982,583,127 documents to send them before they will even consider looking at my application. these documents include things like: college transcripts, sat scores, shot records, birth certificate, complete physical exam including a full out colonoscopy and std screening (cant have gonorrhea on this campus, no sir), a digital photograph of my most prized possession so they can take it away from me, my first born that i dont have yet, all my credit card numbers so identity theft will be quicker and easier, my left kidney sealed in a 10x13" manila envelope, a gift certificate to tgi fridays for their efforts and of course my soul.

so i send them all this shit, and of course they dont get it. im gonna blame problem numero uno on gpc for not sending my transcript from there (see paragraph one of my ranting argument. in case you forgot heres a synopsis: they dont know how to send things in the mail, so they dont). aside from that im not quite sure what the problem is. i paid to have everything sent and the amount of time given was ample for everything to arrive in time. i called ut bursars office to make sure they had sent the transcript from here to there. the lady was oh so helpful, once again the kind of helpful you might just piss you pants over. she divulged a brilliant piece of information to me. when i asked why the transcripts from ut hadnt arrived at ksu, she said that remarkably, when the transcripts arrive at ksu, they do not just fall on someones desk, they in fact are placed in a mailbox which some unfortunate soul must walk to to get the mail everyday. said mailbox could be miles away from the office. it might even be an uphill climb to get there. in the snow! holy shit lady, i had no idea people had to go to such taxing efforts to receive mail. i even feel sorry for them, that every day someone has to check the mailbox, ive never heard of such cruel occurrences. i can only hope that at least some of my $50 application fee will go towards physical therapy for the unfortunate individual who has to walk probably ten feet from their desk to retrieve my lost paperwork. maybe im the selfish one here.

this entry will get me nowhere. it will not get me into college and it will not make anyone pick up the phone or check the mail. in fact it will probably give me bad karma for saying such bad things about the colleges. bad karma will hunt me down like one of the dudes that have been mugging everyone on campus at night. in fact before the bad karma finds me i probably will be mugged on campus. then after i am mugged bad karma will come say hello. i will end up finding someone to sublease here just before i get all the letters with frowny faces all over them saying "sorry we didnt get the mail the day you sent your shit!" or "oops, whats a college application?" so then i will be not only schoolless but homeless. there are plenty of homeless people here in knoxville, i am sure i can join them. at this point even if kennesaw did visit the mailbox or perimeter realized they had a class of zero because they forgot to accept anyone, i would never know. with no mailing address its hard to receive acceptance letters.

and even if i had a mailbox, theres that whole issue of having to walk to it.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

holy shit!

its the magic bullet!

its eight in the morning and i dont feel like leaving for class yet so this is what i am doing: watching the magic bullet commercial. Im sorry but why do we as americans feel the need to buy a device that is supposed to cook any and everything? something about an appliance that can make chicken salad, cake batter and a strawberry daiquiri in the same container is a little troubling to me personally.

fourteen more days of classes. i know its really going to speed up after this weekend, and after that ill wish i had never wished all that work on myself, but im just ready to get this thing rolling. i cant believe all the christmas stuff is already going on. i turned on the radio the other day and since i dont know any of the stations here it was already on this station playing christmas music. im sure if i step foot in the mall there will be red and green everywhere. i love the christmas season, especially the decorations and all the get togethers and getting people gifts and such, but its all become so commercial. i watch every thanksgiving as my aunts corner me in my grandmother's living room and accost me about what id like for christmas. im toast until i give what color size and edition i want and even then they still bother me for more answers. they make organized lists of what everyone wants and where you can get it for the cheapest price and then they divvy up whos going to get what for whom. i just feel like thats not how christmas should be. i suppose by obligation and heredity your relatives have to get you something, but my relatives see me maybe twice a year if that. they have no concept of who i am. i feel like the whole holiday gift giving thing has lost most of its purpose; the gift giving has become an obligation, not a gift in and of itself.

besides, half the time they dont even get me what i ask for. geez at least give a gift card then.

ugh im kinda tired of writing, between three peer reviews a revision of a short story a graphic design article about a giraffe getting lost at new york fashion week and beginning my longer story.

with two stories set in nyc ive probably looked at a map of new york city more than an eager tourist hoping to see times square.

well i have all weekend to get it done. at this point im cutting my losses on my social life. ill spend this weekend by myself in my apartment doing homework. all of my real friends will be gone to a wedding this weekend and its too late to start trying for friends now.

home sounds good.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

moving on.



with 16 more days of class left to go, this is all becoming a real possibility. This weekend as I roamed the streets of downtown athens arm in arm with robyn it hit me that this could be my town someday in the not so distant future. i know its stupid because i have no reason to be scared, but its like the further i get into college the more impact my decisions will have. the stakes just get higher. what if i mess it up. ughh dont do the whole what if thing, theres a million of those out there. this weekend was wonderful, being reunited with all of my friends and realizing that we can still joke about the exact same things still and laugh just as hard, it was a good feeling. laughing in general was a good feeling.

this weekend was great, but its all just so surreal.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

18.5 more...




...days of classes.

i dont know how much longer i can take this. my brain has been stretched creatively beyond its maximum capacity. all of my classes except for art history require me to be constantly thinking and developing my ideas. this can wear on you after awhile. i feel like i never really get rest or sleep from it all because im always having to think about something and somehow its never any fun.

meanwhile i sit on my college websites on an almost hourly basis checking my admission status as if somehow its going to magically change right before my very eyes. im so scared somethings going to happen and i wont get in and ill be stuck here and be right back in that hole that for the past month ive finally felt like there might be a way out of it. its a big gamble and im not a gambler.

continuing on with the random topics for today, i spent last evening in katies living room with the few pbp girls that i like. i felt like i was really connected to them for the first time last night, like for once i was apart of their universe. we talked about something other than whats prim and proper and whats surface skimming. we talked about sex and everyones first time. it reminded me of this book one of the gd students did last year at the design competition that included various stories of different womens first experiences, it was interesting and i plan on copying it someday. its funny how so many people can connect by how stupid they were or how hurt theyve been. its so easy for girls to be pushovers, to put improper blame on themselves, to try to fix things in ways they shouldnt. sometimes it works ok and sometimes it doesnt.

before i head off to art history i would like to thank drew from Ithaca for his kind words on the last entry. ive noticed your comings and goings over the past year, but assumed as i usually do that it was some scary internet person. im glad you've randomly found yourself here and not on one of the many blogger blogs in espanol, which is what happens to me every time i click view random blog. though it is sketchy in some respects, it is nice to know that some strangers do find what i say entertaining enough to continue reading.

if anyone gets bored this afternoon you should read the short story "the ones who walk away from omelas" it is only a few pages long in print and though the first part is a little wordy and spastic it is absolutely delicious. it can be found here: http://harelbarzilai.org/words/omelas.txt

im off to shove more information up my ass.toodles.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

daylight savings time.




this weekend, we went back in time. it was only for a small hour, but for that small hour time stopped and took a step back for us. it gave us just enough time. we were little kids tromping through the forest, little kids making a mess in the kitchen baking cookies, little kids in the party room at mr. gatti's, little kids wide-eyed in amazement at all the hillbilly sites of gaitlinburg, little kids perusing the clearance halloween candy, little kids tromping through a field and sundown. for a small hour i forgot about the status of my college applications, the wrinkles around my eyes, my rent check due tomorrow, my art history test on thursday, the wax that now covers my dresser front, my fears about being successful in the future. for a small hour time went back for us.

just what i needed.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

im supposed to be doing anything else right now...


...including writing something for english, though im not sure what.

i cant lift my arm up from my flu shot and ive been eating the chocolate chips i bought to go in cookies all afternoon because dammit its halloween and i want to. this week has beyond stressful with my printmaking project and homecoming which involved spending five straight hours on monday and six straight hours on tuesday at a fraternity house, which you all know is exactly where i want to be every day all the time. but the weight is surely being lifted (only to be put back on on sunday afternoon for sure), but i can be blinded for a few days and pretend like everything's easy peezy.

this weekend should be awesome. i really need a break. and i dont just mean a few days sans school work, i mean a real break. because for me the typical weekend here consists of me attending an awkward party or otherwise social gathering where i make friends with the wall and then the rest of the time is spent crying in sporadic boughts of depression and doing homework. this weekend will actually be relaxing. the little sleep i do get will be guaranteed to be good and i will have company to enjoy everything with. we are going on a motherfucking picnic.

photos to come later.

Friday, October 26, 2007

check...mate

i think if nothing else friends serve to keep you from: a. believing you are crazy b. going through with crazy/destructive plans of action.

i might be crazy.
like maybe i should see a doctor or something.
i might be crazy or i might be female.
its hard to tell the difference.
or maybe im like a crazy female squared or something like that.

i dont know who this person is, he sounds quite uneducated, but he is a noted fashion photographer and im a believer:


"these are everything i did for the last 8years, and i realized its a long(*)road( not so hard and painful if you are passionate about photography and have some nice pictures sometime) .

make sure you have enough to pay your rent and food, or get your frineds and families to pay for it …. just for a while and dont piss them off, they are a life saver…

and keep on shooting and no retirement plans. ”

said not so eloquently, but i appreciate it nonetheless. i think theres something to be said about being ambitious and seeking what you are after. i think its a great idea to learn all you can and get connected all you can, but maybe im overlooking the biggest point, maybe in our haste to get the best college education we can we've all overlooked the biggest point: sometimes it takes a dose of life to learn anything.

i could have attended a pretentious art school. i could run off to new york and work with haughty snotty bitchy fashion people. i could. maybe one day i will. but i dont think it has to be so black and white. maybe if i got my ass out of this apartment and into a life that doesnt involve books and deadlines and resumes and interviews and anxiety, maybe i might actually learn something from my college experience.

perhaps if you expend all of your energy climbing up the ladder, if and if you make it, its quite possible you will have no idea what the hell youre doing when you get to the top.

in my small file of greatest compliments ever received there is one from an alcoholic russian man given to me in a buckhead life restaurant this summer, "i picked you because you have drive, i can see it in your eyes."

no company or internship or trip or other person can give that to me. no company or internship or trip or other person can take that away from me. its one of the few things that truly belongs to me and only me and i get to do with it what i want to.

here we are at the brink of another weekend. another weekend in which i will surely face boughts of depression due to boredom and aforementioned mild insanity which i am currently learning to cope with. i hope that this weekend, no matter where in the world you are, my friends, that you will take a deep breath and breathe it all in.

this is life.
the view is not always pretty.
but theres always something to see.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

theres a blog id love to write here, but dealing with cleanup afterward makes it not even worth it. its pointless and useless and stupid. these things shouldnt even matter. i need to give up.

ugh just stop before you say the wrong thing.

im so angry right now.

excuse me.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

wish you were here (or even moreso that i wasnt)

Q: Which is worse, feeling trapped somewhere with no way out, or being somewhere you dont like and know you will be able to get out but noooootttt quiiiiteee yet?

A: They're both pretty damn bad.


No im stretching it. my situation is a million times better now than it was even a few weeks ago. but now i am facing yet another weekend here by myself with practically nothing to do.

thats not true, i have plenty to do.

damn, im even boring myself with this blog.

its just hard living a life with one foot out the door.

ebeth and i got to talking tonight about college and life and all that good shit. we agreed that when you get out of high school you think youre the shit and youre going to take over the world in all your excellence and achieve dreams unimaginable to anyone else. you think youre going to be better, that youre going to be different. but the world humbles you. youre really not that different. theres a reason your parents and everyone else arent famous or supermillionaires. and here i am all this time thinking its just because they didnt try as hard as im going to, maybe its because this is life. life is hard. sound simple but its true. in our narrow little high school minds we believed we were invincible. now two years later i think we're seeing the reality of things.

elizabeth asked me i if thought that i had gotten anything out of my time in tennessee (well thats not really how she phrased it, but no matter), and i didnt even have to think about the answer to that question. of course i got something out of it, i got a lot out of it. first of all, i had to know what it would be like to go away. i needed to prove to myself that i could go off on my own and start again and i dont think, even now, that ive failed in that. i went off on my own and i did everything i could do. in truth it could have been great. i could have made tons of new friends and taken off in this new place and forgotten about everyone at home. all the ingredients were there but, it just wasnt the right mix for me. i can say with confidence now that i tried and it just didnt work right here and right now, but i know im capable in the right place and time. so now i dont have to wonder.

aside from that tennessee has served as that humbling experience to me. i didnt feel sheltered here. i had to find an almost extreme form of independence, spending a lot of time by myself and relying on myself to make it through. i feel like im a stronger person for it and i feel like im better prepared than others for the future because of my experiences.

so i refuse to regret or feel bad about my decision. i dont have to explain anything to anyone else. i owe it to myself to move forward. now, i dont have to wonder what it would be like to go away, but i cant stand the thought of living the next two years wondering what it would be like to be close.


its almost the weekend. yuck.

Monday, October 22, 2007

in the waiting line




well, i really cant complain, things seem to be working out great. if i could find someone to live in this apartment next semester that would be even better. my mom told me once that whenever she has car trouble she wants to get rid of that car asap. once it betrays her she wants to have nothing more to do with it. i guess thats how i feel about ut. now that leaving is a reality im ready to go right now, today. honestly if thats what i could do, i would, and i wouldnt look back.

jordan is right, the coming weeks will go by quickly. i have a wedding and pbp shit next weekend, then homecoming week, then jordan coming to visit, then going to uga, then thanksgiving, then formal, then finals, then moving out! it leaves only one or two more weekends spent here alone wallowing in my self loathing and other shit.

its just like now that i realize i dont have to be here forever and that, God willing, im not going to be here much longer, everything about this place pisses me off. ebeth is getting on my nerves with her constant pursuits for perfection in everything and her criticism of what i eat and do and say and how much i work out (or dont). the town is ugly, theres not much productive to do here unless you count drinking as productive.

knoxville may be the car that broke down. it let me down and now i want out of it.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

i finally got an a in something : )

(my latest short story for english 364)

Empty Sky

After high school we followed our childhood dreams and moved there. We were so in love, running around the busy streets and dropping into little dives on the corners that had better Chinese than my mom could have ever prepared. I loved the energy of the place, the buildings stretching into the clouds, the taxis reverberating through the canals of streets. Best of all I loved our apartment, a little studio in the meatpacking district. At first it appeared cold, but you and I we made it sensual and cozy. We covered the brick walls with the tapestries you brought me back from your senior trip to Italy. I bought the softest linens I could find for our bed. Many a lazy Saturday afternoon we spent tangled up in those sheets cuddling away the world and school and work and forgetting about it all in each other’s eyes.
I spent late afternoons and evenings up on the roof in my deteriorating lawn chair reading about Gestalt psychology for my classes. As night fell, I would light those Catholic Jesus candles you got me at the market and look at the whole wide world stretched out before me. The taxis pulsed down the streets like soldiers in an army of ants on a voyage. If you looked far enough you could see the water, and beyond that, Lady Liberty. On a night like this you came up with a bottle of wine you had procured from the liquor store down the street we both knew never ID’d, and as night flowed down over all the towers and the taxis and the airplanes in the sky you promised me that one day you would marry me. This was city life.
On Tuesday you left for your morning class and I began my usual routine of reading over the paper as the TV news hummed in the background. But today the news didn’t hum; it screamed. It screamed in bright shades of bold red text and uncertain news anchors and panicked citizens and clouds of smoke and falling debris. I took my coffee to the rooftop and watched in horror as it all fell down in the distance. I spent the rest of the day feeding off a steady diet of CNN and astonishment. I watched as people in sheer desperation jumped from windows to their eminent death. I had never witnessed anything like this before. You came home unharmed but very shaken and told me I needed to take a break from the television. We went up to the rooftop with a bottle of wine and tried to discuss other things, but the other departments of my mind were closed. It was in my mind and it was in my face. To the west, it was much easier to see the water now. The traffic had stopped, and the once bustling city streets filled with agitated taxis now contained only a few confused stragglers who must have been wondering where the world goes from here.
I looked up at the sky. There was nothing. Any other night there would have been airplanes and satellites and spaceships and maybe Donald Trump in one of his ridiculous gold helicopters, but tonight there was nothing but an empty sky. The President had imposed a grounding of all aircraft for at least the next day. The sky was empty and it scared the shit out of me. On this day, everything had fallen out of the sky: people, buildings and airplanes. The sky had nothing more to give, and now it was empty like I’d never seen it before.
The city began its mourning process. American flags adorned every surface, and the President began using words like “freedom”, “justice” and “terrorism”. You told me it was all going to be alright, that we would make it through all this eventually, but I couldn’t shake my fears. The faces of the missing on hand made posters haunted me at the subway. I could not get used to the gap to the west, I didn’t like the better view of the water. I eventually stopped going up to the rooftop. You tried to distract me. We spent afternoons in bed, but I couldn’t help but fear that the building was going to come crashing down on me, destroyed by evil.
When we took a trip back home for Thanksgiving I told you I couldn’t come back there with you. You were crushed, but you knew why I couldn’t stay there anymore. You promised me when you finished school you would come back for me. I hoped you were telling the truth. I loved you and I loved the city, but the city had shown me everything I never wanted to know about the world. It showed me all the things I had turned my head away from for the past nineteen years, and it showed me that ignorance is bliss.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

you got put down in class today, again. you know why? you suck.
yeah, i said it.
you do.
and tonight you will go home and get in your bed and dream of a time in the not so distant future when everything will be better.
when you will have friends again.
when you will feel like youre actually getting somewhere.
when you will succeed in your major.

but you will do none of those things.
because you cant.
you cant
you wont
you never will.

i dont know why you think that running away is going to make everything better, but it wont because no matter what you cant run away from yourself.

you have the best of intentions, you really do, everyday, but you cant follow through with a single one of them.

you will go nowhere.

just give up on everything youve ever dreamed of.

you feel trapped now.

leaving wont make it better.

i applaud your efforts i really do, but your game is over.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

wanderlust

this apartment makes me claustrophobic. im sure at this point ive made right decision to leave. i cant imagine things being like this another semester.im fine as long as i have a ton of work to do, but as soon as that slows down i get all bored and sad.

anybody want to go to the beach sometime soon?

Monday, October 15, 2007

these small hours



let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
in these small hours,
these small hours still remain



i think im growing up.
its a scary place to be, but i see it now. i see myself realizing that your life and your friends and your views are not quite what they used to be. family and your true friends slowly become more important and you begin relying on yourself above all. your work is your satisfaction, how people see you isnt. your friends become the people you work alongside, the people you live with. you isolate yourself to a degree and youre ok with it.

this is growing up.

recognizing that this is how it is.
recognizing your parents are how they are for a reason.
and youll probably be just like them.

i dont think it matters where i go, school will always suck. its school. my parents are paying a lot of money for me to go get my ego beaten to a pulp by some grad student wannabe professor.

but thats school for ya.

when i came home a few weeks ago as a curved the bend in 75 S into the city i realized happily that i could finally listen to good radio stations. i switched to the radio and turned it to Dave and the song at the beginning of this entry was playing. im sure its been out forever or something like that, but you have to understand in tennessee they dont have pop culture, and even if they did id probably still be out of the loop.

what ive learned for being here is that happiness is not a given. happiness doesnt sit on every street corner waiting for you to pass by so you can walk and skip and giggle hand in hand until you reach the next street corner where your next jolly escort awaits.

sometimes happiness has to be sought out.

and its in these small hours when you find the good stuff. the stuff thats worth getting out of bed in the morning for. the feelings and the moments and youll never forget.

its great to have a really fun time, but the times that are really the best are the ones that you wont remember what happened as vividly as youll remember how you felt.

sitting in the basement in huge sweats eating chocolate cake and not watching ms doubtfire.

driving south away from here with the heat and sufjan stevens blasting.

roaming the streets of charleston in heels way too drunk off one glass of wine.

dancing to my favorite songs with my favorite people and the worst seats ever.

wreaking havoc in room 305.

standing on cliff overlooking the ocean with my best friend.

laying in the middle of the road with heather and alex at 2 am in the freezing cold.

sitting amongst cigar smoke and a bunch of really smart people playing trivia.

watching fireworks just barely over the treetops on the fourth of july.

i think about the things in the small hours and it makes me see what a wonderful life ive led. its not about what i didnt do or what i messed up on or what i made on my last graphic design project or what anyone thinks of me. its those things that happen in the small hours, nothing else matters. those things are it. they're so small and short in the grand scheme of things, but in their short fleeting moments they are so wonderful and leave such a lasting impression that they make it all worth while.

damn, i wasnt expecting to cry during this one.


its time to be alive again.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

welcome to the real world.

i came home hoping for a relaxing fall break and i got something much different. instead my world and perceptions of my world have been turned upside down. its everything i could have asked for basically falling into my lap, but im still not sure how i feel about it. it scares me to think that im depending on so many outside things to succeed in order to get where i need/want to be, things that are beyond my control. this is not me. i need to be in control of everything. i need to know exactly whats going on at all times. i need to have a plan.

everythings so jumbled up now. ive made decisions, but what if i made the wrong ones. what if the decisions ive made cost me my relationship? what if i get there and have no friends there either?

im putting a lot of faith in things i cant touch.

im not so sure i like it.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

fuck it and come home.




Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...


And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

thursday i gave up.
im done pretending for other peoples' benefits while i suffer in ways that no one else could understand.

i am leaving here.

it seems as though lately things have been coming to a head. i am literally physically exhausted from crying and worrying and being upset about everything. jordan, who has always been very supportive of me staying here and completing the goals i had set for myself finally told me that i could not stay here. he said you just cant stay there, you just cant.

robyn pushed me over the edge. she summed it up in a few simple words: fuck it and come home.

so simple. why didnt i think of that before.

i think that i have gotten over the whole giving up=losing thing. i know now that me leaving here doesnt mean i failed or that i cant handle here. the truth is this is just not the right place for me. i find comfort in the fact that this time next year only one of the six girls from our graduating class at rhs who came here for school will still be here. its not me its this place. i have come to terms with that.

and anyone who says this wasnt a hard decision to make is lying. if i were to stay here i could graduate quickly and easily, but going somewhere else is going to require a lot of starting over again. im very scared about the whole thing. i have a lot more work ahead of me because of the decisions i have made. in essence i have fucked myself over.

im not sure where i want to go to school. i am looking at my options. uga is my top pick though. its the best school out of the ones im looking at and one of the big problems with ut was a lack of social life. i know ill have a social life at uga. its scary to think about how behind in school ill be and how extra hard ill have to work to make up for lost time, potentially being in school for an extra year and certainly working my ass off during the summer, but as kelley, jordan and robyn all said, no matter what i can bet on things wherever i go and whatever i do and however it works out to be better than they are here.

my concerns are far from over, but honestly if my concerns were over i would be a little worried about that too.

i need to clean the kitchen

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

somethings missing.

im not alone
i wish i was
cause then id know
i was down because
i couldnt find
a friend around
to love me like
they do right now
they do right now


i dont really know how to feel anymore. the future no longer excites me it just scares me and gives me anxiety. in one aspect of my life, i am happier than i could have ever expected and things are turning out better than i ever could have hoped, but it feels like in all other aspects, things are just crashing down.

i am 100% stuck.

i cant see a way that i can move forward and be happy with my situation.

if i stay im not happy.

if i go im not happy either.

maybe im just living too much in the past. remembering the golden years of days gone by and expecting the future to be this happy go lucky good time with amazing memories and fun times.

i just feel like sometimes i dont have anything anymore.

i know thats selfish and wrong to think, I have to many things to be thankful for. its stupid of me to keep dwelling on the bad. i guess im just jealous of those people who dont cry themselves to sleep most nights.

ive become aware that all my blog entries sound the same. everyday just me moaning and groaning about my situation and plausible options. but the truth is im not going to pretend im fine when im not. try as i may to be fine i think im realizing that it is not normal to feel this way and it might not be ok to feel this way. i spend enough time trying to save face with everyone else. my friends, my family, peers at school. wearing sunglasses inside and pretending like nothings wrong when inside it feels like everything is. i refuse to deny my emotions to a computer screen that cant get mad at me for having them.

im just so scared that this is how it is for me now.

i feel like my life is over.

i just hope it isnt.

Monday, October 01, 2007

a case of the mondays.

before i say anything id like to bring to anyone reading this's attention a really cool website that blogger just started: http://play.blogger.com

the website is a continuous slideshow of all the blogholders' photographs as they are uploaded. you get to see peoples random snapshots from all over the world flash before you. i was enthralled. i stared for ten solid minutes.

i decided to go home this weekend, much to the dismay of any rationale i have. i have a lot of work to do this week, but i didnt care. i missed my family so much i just wanted to get out of here.

i never thought there would be a day when i said i missed my family.

as i snuck into the atlanta city limits i turned the curve on 75 south where the whole city stretches out before you. it may have been the most beautiful site i have seen all year. i cried. on friday evening, as i tore up 400 north on the way to my parents lake house i cried. i cried because i knew that this is what i had to do. this was the only thing i could do. in other words, the only way i could feel like someone who is loved by anyone is to go home. thats the only place anyone loves me. thats the only place where i feel like myself. thats the only place where the permanent furrow in my brow relaxes and i feel like i can really breathe. thats the only place where i can be me and have that be ok.

something in me tells me thats not right. something in me tells me thats not the way it should be. no one should have to drive across state lines to feel alive.

im sure this is all my fault.

so now im back here on the fucking computer as usual living my cyber life. im setting up my classes for next semester, or at least trying to in vain.

when your heart and your body are in two different places it makes academia difficult.

whats even worse is when you cant find your heart at all.

perhaps mine has been pulled in too many different directions.

i have to set up classes right now and pretend like everything is ok and i want to be here so bad and so forth and such and so on. but i dont know what i will do.

last semester 18 out of 60 people passed the review. and to be honest, if today i wasnt one of the 18, i might not be so sad after all. im sure i would regret wasting two years of my life in a place i did not enjoy, but at least it would be an easy ticket out.

or is it a ticket out?

besides i cant purposefully fail the review. if i fail it has to be because i suck. if i suck fairly then thats a-ok, but only if i suck fairly.

i dont know what to do. i kinda just want to lay down for awhile.

lay down at home of course.

i think this might be the beginning of me giving up.

Monday, September 24, 2007

i
want
to
go
home
and
sleep
in
my
less
comfortable
bed
and
i
wont
mind
because
i
will
be
home
home
sounds
good.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

song of myself

this is like a vicious cycle that wont let up on me. its normal to feel sad when your boyfriends leave, when friends leave, when you say goodbye to your parents. but this is just becoming something im not sure i can handle at times.

i hope i dont sound like a self-loathing little girl looking for attention when i tell you that im dying.

but i cant tell you that im dying because you wont understand. you will tell me to join a club or talk to people i dont know.

theres a little more to it than that.

sometimes i feel like a dog being locked in a cage that only my friends and family can unlock. there are those times when i am freed from the cage and i experience the life outside.

the life outside is amazing.
the life outside is beautiful.

im so jealous of the life outside.

because before i know it, the friends, the family have gone away and its back to my cage. my cage where i dont get to feel and i dont get to be human anymore. im just around for everyone else's amusement or for everyone else to ignore. and it seems as time goes by its harder and harder to turn around, to admit defeat and go back to my cage.

i want the life outside. but you cant understand that and you never will. because you dont know. you never had a cage. and now this is my home. this is where i eat. this is where i sleep. this is where i shit and lie in it. this is where i die inside.


yeah, thats really how i feel and im sorry if you dont care and im sorry you even read this. im sorry that you have to listen to me cry even though youre not listening at all. im sorry youll never understand. you dont know what its like.

Monday, September 17, 2007

conversation with myself.






its time for a solid plan. its time for me to talk to myself on the internet...go:

first things first: you came here for school. that is why you are here and obviously the only reason why you are here. you must succeed in that if absolutely nothing else. otherwise you have wasted money, time, lifespan and brain power for no reason. portfolio review is next semester. if you fail that then you are fucked. yes, fucked. between now and spring you must do all you can to not become fucked in the sense of failing portfolio review. other kinds of fucking may be acceptable but will be handled on a case by case basis. should you become fucked in the sense that you fail portfolio review, it will be time for major life assessment. by the end of this semester you should have a pretty good idea of whether or not you may be successful in the review the following semester. if chances are you will fail and as aforementioned be fucked in this way, the options of transferring schools, switching majors and some forms of self mutilation will be explored. these options may include transferring to uga, gsu, aiu (back up haters), ksu, switching to business or some other businessy thing major or gouging out your eyes. The latter is not the recommended avenue seeing as to how you cannot do anything other than art and would not have much hope for that without one or both of your eyes.

now we move on to how one can survive in the meantime. you have approx. six and a half months left in the regular school year, add two months to that if you choose to pursue summer classes. long story short you will be miserable until you either: a: know you must stay here and finish out your college. you will know upon passing the portfolio review b:pursue other options outside of tennessee. you have six months of misery ahead of you, but it doesn't have to be all that bad. something made you come back here this year, so surely theres a way you can stay here and be okay. though you long so much for the familiar and to be closer to home at the same time it is hard to see yourself anywhere. face it girl, youre fuckin awkward and youre gonna be fuckin awkward across the globe. dont try to hide it or run from it. the time has come to embrace it. it took you a long time to make the friends you had in high school. its going to take you a long time again. you may never make good friends here and maybe thats ok too. as long as you can find someone in the near future that you could call to come assist you should you fall down a flight of stairs resulting in injuries, which can and very likely will happen at some point, you will be fine. whoever said college was the best time of their life was probably drunk for a solid portion of it. you are not drunk now. you are not usually drunk. everything hurts more when youre sober. here, have some chocolate.

dont be fooled, you are a changed girl. in the time since high school you have become much more reserved, retreating back into your shell. this is because by the end of high school you had confidence radiating from you. you had solid friendships and had found something you loved to do and were beginning to get good at it and you were comfortable in your location and felt safe and loved. you dont have those things now so its natural that your confidence should plummet. dont get scared about it, its ok. theres nothing wrong with a shy girl and if youre lucky youll get it back in time. youll need it later.

bill sent you his list of dates for the rest of the semester:
9/29
10/5
10/13
10/20
10/27
12/29

you will work most of these days which takes you up through the end of 2007. between weddings and trips home/visitors this takes you through the end of october leaving you with just the tail end of the semester to go. this is certainly feasible. sorority stuff will keep you busy even if it isnt stuff you want to do. school will as always keep you busy and it will never be stuff you want to do, but no matter. these are the things you must do. these are the things that will remind you youre still breathing during those times when you forget, which has been a lot lately.

you will go home in october and at that time you should get your strobes. maybe you could start a new project. it doesnt have to be anything scary, maybe just some photos of yourself. maybe you could contact the basement gallery. the owner wanted you to exhibit there sometime. maybe you should get a project going and give him a call. you could order one of those commercial photography books youve been eyeing on amazon. you could teach yourself how to shoot commercial. shoot some random products in your house add it to your portfolio. take it down to atlanta over the summer. get some clients. make yourself known. kick some ass. burn haigwood to the ground.

wait, dont burn haigwood to the ground. thats arson and youll be the first one they suspect.

naturally.

you know more than you think and you have a better grasp on yourself than you think. but not many people care how you feel and what you think and in truth they shouldnt. your throughts are not that interesting because while everyone else is moving on you are wallowing and no one likes a wallower not even you.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

quarter life crisis





everyone you meet is fighting a great battle- Plato

this weekend was my joint 20th bday party with ebeth. kelley and jordan came and braved treacherous rain storms and a superlong drive just to be here with me. it meant so so much. i find that these kinds of things matter much more than they may have in the past to me. after the weekend was over i felt like everything was over now back to the grindstone again. forget that fun and friends and laughter do in fact exist. walking back into my room with tears in my eyes i saw the flowers that reminded me that someone out there in the world gives a fuck about me. its those little things i suppose that matter ultimately.

it meant so much that they came.

elizabeth says that maybe we arent supposed to really be happy. maybe life is just about those few short moments when you are afforded something that makes you truly happy. maybe all we're meant for is just living in hopes that we can find one of those good moments within all the bad once again. maybe those who have so called friends are just kidding themselves.

maybe they are.

its like sex. theres so much you have to go through. but all you really want is that ten second orgasm.


this kind of sucks though.
you think about these kinds of things when youre twenty.

i should probably just shut the fuck up. when i get work things will get better. im just alone because i dont get to do what i love to do right now and that makes me sad. maybe when i get work things will get better.

or maybe they wont get better.

and in that case i will chalk it up to elizabeth being right as always. its we're all just working toward those few good moments.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

stream of conciousness

i swear its like i fix one thing and then immediately fuck up another. sometimes i dont even wait until the first thing is fixed to fuck up the next thing. its like i cant get all my eggs in one basket. toying with emotions, that must be my game. i never wanted to be like this. i feel like im slipping away. i feel so stupid for messing around with the one solid thing i have going on right now. heres a great idea angie, why not piss the one person off who still acts like he cares about you. that seems like a grand idea!

leave it to facebook to cause relationship problems.

i dont want to be that couple that fights all the time, but maybe thats how it always is supposed to be. if we arent fighting its probably because im in some kind of emotional wreck/state of depression that prevents me from having the willpower to fight. the rest of the time i do things i know are wrong and i know will mess things up but i do them anyway. so we fight. i feel so stupid, but i cant just beat myself up because then it will seem like i am trying to get people to feel sorry for me. i dont need sympathy, i dont deserve sympathy. frankly i have done little right in this whole thing. i open doors i know shouldnt be opened and i have major problems showing i care. i sound like a great girlfriend dont i. no one deserves this kind of treatment and i need to fix it.i just know ive said i needed to fix it but i didnt. obviously i didnt because once again i find myself furiously typing here on this stupid assed blog about the same problems over and over. im so mad at myself, but my constant hypocrisy prevents me from knowing what to do next.

covered in rain 9.11.01



i remember six years ago. it was a tuesday like this and that night when i looked outside there was nothing in the sky.

nothing in the sky.

i was fourteen years old and i was scared to even go out on my front porch because that day the whole world had been revealed to me. no longer was evil just preserved for history books. it was the first time i realized that evil resides in the here and now. it was the jading of my generation, the first time we saw the world for what it was and the tenacity of the human condition.

and it was scary.

the main thing i remember from that day was peering out the front porch window with fox news blaring from my living room, seeing the clear empty night sky and being scared to death. there was always something in the sky, some kind of plane or helicopter or fuck, even a blimp or something. but today there was nothing in the sky, and even though i knew that if something were to be in the sky it would be a bad thing, i think i would have found comfort in seeing something up there. it was the first time i realized that the world is not safe and that things can change so much in such a short moment.

so now its six years later. im not fourteen, im twenty now. i worry now. i worry so much now. i worry about my future and the world and where i might find myself six years from now. but if something as big as what happened six years ago can happen in a matter of minutes, im thinking that its not worth it to worry.

so today i vow to seek happiness where i can find it. life is simply too short. its time to get my head on straight again and move on.

now im standing facing west
tracin my fingers round a silhouette
i haven't gotten used to yet
but its the brightest thing ive got
when im covered in rain

Sunday, September 09, 2007

might be a quarter life crisis or just a stirring in my soul


so this what twenty looks like on me. ugh i dont like this feeling. two decades sounds so ancient. i think its hard to move on once you get to college from your high school perception of what a birthday should be like. you get up in the morning and your moms got the chocolate chip muffins cooking downstairs. then you get to school to find ten of your friends huddled around your wrapped locker with flowers and candy (but never balloons, those are illegal) and then you walk around all day and every who you know doesnt really care about you tells you happy birthday and maybe if youre lucky one of your teachers will embarrass you about it.

college is different. most are drunk the entire day, but me i wake up in my apartment and eat toast. that is how my birthday goes.

im just kidding, my mom is coming to visit which i couldnt be happier about. i talk to my mom abouot a lot of stuff (yeah im one of those girls) but when it comes to the things that really bother me i dont bring those things up. im not sure why, but i just have always had a really hard time telling her how i really feel. i guess i left the heavy stuff up to my friends. but its gotten to the point now where people i can really talk to are few and far between. most of my friends from high school have moved on and have new friends and even if they hadnt they still have a hard time empathizing with my situation. so perhaps im just desperate enough to let it all out with my mom. that probably sounded wrong.

twenty is a scary number, but i think im so caught up in everything else im feeling right now i really cant be upset about anything else. the strong realization that im growing up with surely hit me eventually. twenty is scary but twenty one is fun. i hope that twenty one treats me a little better. but until then all I can hope for another wonderful year on Gods green earth.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go.



it has indeed been a rough week for me, and i wouldn't hesitate to say it has by far been one of the roughest. i cant say ive ever felt quite that way before. i was just sad. sad with no hope. thats an horrible feeling by the way. all leading up to my birthday, which we won't talk about right now. partially because it isn't my birthday yet and partially because im not quite ready to admit that i am actually twenty years old. we'll deal with that tomorrow.

ive always been told that doing things like making mind maps and lists and venn diagrams were good for helping sort out your thoughts and make decisions. the above is my attempt.

i think the long and short of it is that i never wanted to go to college in the first place. i couldnt really see it any other way because thats what everyone does except those who are dropouts or losers who waste their lives away into nothingness. but ive always known that i dont have to have college to do what i want to do, im sure that it is invaluably helpful to have a degree, but just the fact that its not totally required always makes me think about the other options i have in front of me. theres always the option of attending a smaller two year tech school, but a part of me would feel like im missing out on what are supposed to be the best two years of my life. i suppose the problem with all this is that these havent been the best years of my life, and the outlook is not optimistic for them becoming such.

the whole thing just makes me sad and depressed.

my entire experience at ut has made me question everything about myself. i feel like i have learned very little here and when people ask me why i came here i dont have a good answer for them. its not because of the program because as i am currently finding out (just a little bit too late) the program here is actually very bad. its not because im in state because im not. its not because i have connections or friends or family here because i dont. its not because i love knoxville because i actually now long for the city. its not because i needed to go here because i didn't.

so i dont know why i came here, and thats what i tell everyone. i dont know why i just came here because i didnt want to go to uga. but maybe i did want to go to uga i just didnt know it yet. or maybe i came here just for the sake of not going to uga.

or maybe my purpose for coming here was to question why and how i am doing anything. maybe my purpose for coming here was to help me realize i have a right to change my mind.

you have a right to change your mind, some lady said to me at debra's party. that is something someone told me when i graduated and they are absolutely right she said. nothing is too permanent to not change.

you cannot depend on anyone else for happiness. its not fair to them and its not fair to you.

i told jordan this several weeks ago. maybe i should take my own advice.

i talked to belton last night. he is doing well. he spends much of his time alone as he does not have any friends in california, but he is ok with that. he is beginning to make a name for himself and he is doing what he went out there to do, and i could not be more proud of him for that.

when i graduated from high school i wanted to go to school go to new york learn italian and work for vogue.

who was i kidding? i cant even make it in knoxville tennessee.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

prophecy.

Look into the sun and see
your soul is dying.

Used to feel the faith,
but now you¹re tired of trying.

Should have left alone
what you have stolen from everyone.

How you feeling?

You seem a little sick to me now.



today i have settled into a bland paradise of sad. after feeling emotional distress im just tired. i mean theres not really anything i can do about things. i just have to feel this way or get over it or something. i dont really know the right answers at this time and im not sure what to do. looking into the future is what has made me feel as bad as i do, so maybe i should stop doing that. i just wish i could snap out of it, but i suppose i went long enough kidding myself, trying to make myself believe that my situation is ok. my situation is not ok because try as i may to make it sound good on paper i dont really have friends and my classes are hard and i dont have a life outside of school here.this is fine most of the time. most of the time i can pretend things are different or just not think about it at all and things are fine, but the second i have a moment to stop and think about things i remember how it isnt like that at all. and then it just hurts because i see no way out and no solution. i feel bad about whining and crying everyday to this blog but seeing as to how this is all i think about its kind of all i have to write about. i dont have any fun stories about things that have happened to me, fun memories with friends, i dont have those things anymore, and maybe im wrong but i just feel like i deserve to be able to have those things.

i think im just being overdramatic. like maybe none of these things actually exist and that maybe if i would just open my eyes a bit wider and stop loathing all the time id be fine.

so for now ill go to class and go to kroger and glance over the tabloids and come home to ebeths yammering about some kind of campus injustice and come up to my room and light my candle and do my homework and water my cactus and go to bed and do it again.

i can be numb if i need to but when this happens again, and i remember everything i dont have once again i will hit the ground just as hard and it will hurt just as bad. like the bird that keeps smacking itself into the window im not sure where it ends.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

covered in rain

i should probably be working on my paper.


or not eating all this food.

but instead i use my two hour stint on the sixth floor of the library to stare at facebook and gorge myself on my sack lunch plus the snack i was supposed to save for later. i spent some time catching up on caitlyn and heather's blogs. heathers was a little harder to get through because shes just started college and though im a year behind her and should be over all that shit, i must admit i find myself feeling much the same way she does still.

i felt like i really accomplished something this summer. by the end of things i felt really good. i felt grown up mature as if i could handle anything even things my friends might never traverse. i felt like i was more professionally accomplished than many people my age and i felt like i had accomplished something by coming up here and being off on my own like this.

sound conceited?

of course it is.

and the best part is none of its true.

it seems as though within the past week or so i have become this fragile doll. it takes almost nothing to have me in an emotional frazzle. tears sobs you name it.

and i dont know what to do.


somethings missing and i dont know how to fix it.

its like everything i rely on up here just falls. i get my hopes up on friendships activities things to keep me busy. and its just like time after time i ended feeling let down and once again alone. if i had to make a list of things i do up here for pure enjoyment it would consist of sitting in the library and looking at photography books and going back to georgia.

excuse me if my idea of fun doesnt involve the lambda chi house.

so then i try to find some kind of alternative. i find a youth group. i get excited. these people are nothing but kind they will make wonderful friends.

only to find that i constantly feel judged. insecure for every part of me.

sorry im not a saint.

seems like in betweens dont exist up here. i suppose if you dont fall into one of the extreme categories you get to entertain yourself for the next three years. im not so sure its better anywhere else.

im so afraid that im that girl.

that girl who died in high school.

im so scared that rhs was my peak and now i get to turn into the girl that went crazy or completely changed for the worst or lost herself along the way.

i feel like im out of options.

i felt optimistic at the beginning of the year. but it seems so far this year isnt shaping up any different than the last. the only difference is that everyone else is getting over it. now im the only one left behind.



And now I’m standing facing west
Tracing my fingers round a silhouette
I haven’t gotten used to yet,
But it’s the brightest thing I’ve got

When I’m covered in rain

Monday, September 03, 2007

its not easy.

its so easy
to find yourself right back in that place.
its so easy
to feel its just like it was.
its so easy
to love what you love to love.
its so easy to feel comfortable again.
its so easy
to go home.

but whats not easy
is coming back
to an apartment full of wonderful things.
every amenity under the sun
and know
that in a city of 173,890 people
not a single one
loves you.
its not easy.


my head aches from crying and its too tough to tell anymore if im just feeling sorry for myself or being too emotional or if my emotions are justified. i had an amazing weekend with my family and jordan. i was reunited with the wonderful feeling of coming home. but i have to wonder if the awesomeness of this weekend is outweighed by the hard crashing down i feel now. being home makes me feel great, but it just reminds me of everything i dont have the rest of the time. i feel myself breaking and i dont know what happens after this.

i try to breathe but its just interrupted by gasps of air. failed attempts to regain my composure over and over again.

why cant i just get a grip?

everyone else has.

its not like i moved to another country. its fucking tennessee. i dont understand why this seems so hard to handle.

im here to do what i came to do. become a better artist. but each and every day here makes me doubt if i can even do that.

if even that goes away then im not sure of what i have here anymore.

i need to delete this and pretend it never happened. i need to chill the fuck out because everythings going to be fine.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

draft

assignment #2:
recreate a day that shifted something in a family. this may involve a secret being made or revealed. you may draw from your own or a known family story. Feel free to alter events and character to your own purposes.

draft one (not yet done, very much in the process, ending not complete):

Two things happened in the summer of 1976: my mother went crazy and I met Sandy. I met Sandy while bumming around my best friend Bill’s place. She lived across the street and spent her afternoons listlessly lollygagging around on her front porch, dangling her long skinny legs over the edge. One muggy Alabama afternoon Bill and I were ___ and she slinked across the street and up Bill’s sidewalk to return an incorrectly delivered piece of mail. To this day I’m not sure what happened after that, what kind of universal forces had to click together to make things the way they were, but I was enamored.
My mother had spent the past nine months mourning the loss of my sister Debbie to college. She was never the same after Deb left. There were good days and bad days. On the good days we would sit in the living room watching the baseball games. She was more enthusiastic about sports than most women. I loved watching her stand up and scream at the TV, then turn to me and say, “Do any of those umps have brains in their lousy heads?” On the good days I would wake up to the smell of sausage gravy in the skillet. On the good days I saw her kiss my father when he came in at seven in the morning from the night shift at the paper mill. All the good days in the world could not make up for one bad day. As if a switch had been flicked off in her head, she would become blank and expressionless. She spent days upon days in her bedroom with the curtains closed. She refused to eat and refused to acknowledge the existence of the world around her.

During the summer of 1976, my mother’s behavior became increasingly bazaar. No longer did she spend days upon weeks alone in her bedroom, but rather she decided to take her delusions out to the public. In the past, my father and I were able to keep a low profile concerning her behavior. We could always excuse missed tea dates or bridal showers or church functions with the old, “Well Dorothy’s so sorry she could not make it tonight she’s just not feeling very well.” Of course it was the stereotypical bullshit excuse, but in it’s own twisted way it was the truth. Now my mother had decided to come out of her bat cave of gloom and doom. She wanted to take charge of her life, rid herself of negative energies in her life and become a new woman.

She began by decorating the outside of our house. She started by planting some hideously huge flowers in the yard. She peppered pink plastic flamingos all over the grass. Her final touch was to paint our front door an atrocious shade of lima bean green. I watched out my bedroom window as the neighbors stared in disgust at her curbside creation. She stopped going to church because the pastor’s wife was not in attendance at Deb’s graduation party last year, and apparently she never shared her regrets about not making it with my mother. I’m pretty sure she was on a mission trip with the junior high kids, but my mother didn’t care too much for excuses.
She began to dress lavishly and out of character. If she wasn’t to be found in the house, chances were she was out shopping for a new ensemble. She filled every square inch of Deb’s room with racks and shelves of clothing. When she ran out of room she began stacks on the floor. You could hardly even walk into the room anymore. She showed up at the grocery store in a gold lame evening gown. She attended the annual community picnic in a purple chiffon number. Worst of all, she showed up to my baseball game in a raspberry pink satin ball gown. I tried to look the other way as if I had no idea who this crazy lady was, but I lived in a small town, there was no way of escaping the truth or at least everyone else’s version of it. My theory was always that my mother decided that as long as she was anyone but herself, maybe she wouldn’t have to be so sad anymore.

It did not take me long to know I loved Sandy. Bill got a job stocking the shelves at the corner market, so I began to join Sandy on her listless afternoon porch sits. We talked about things. She told me all about her life and her friends and her family. I told her the superficial details of my family life. I could tell she knew I was skipping over so many important things. She never said anything about it, but I could just tell by the widened questioning look in her eyes that she hungered for more information. One of her sisters would yell at her out the window that she needed to come sweep up the kitchen. She would roll her eyes and tell me that she would do anything to get away from her family and out of this small town. I never said it for fear of more questions, but I felt exactly the same way.

We spent long lazy afternoons at the Wilbee Theater watching the matinee three times over. I began to go to church with her family on Sundays since my mother was boycotting and my father, in his usual passively abiding way, was going along with her delusions. I avoided bringing Sandy home at all costs. On the rare occasions that she did come over, I made sure my mother was gone on one of her shopping excursions, which was sure to take a while. Her house was close enough to walk, but I told her to come in on the side street because I’d be waiting for her in the driveway. I hoped that she couldn’t see any of the little plastic animals in the front yard which had now grown past just flamingos to include see gulls and turtles as well. We would spend the afternoon in the living room watching television and then before my mother came back I would make up some lame excuse to rush her out of the house. I didn’t want her to go, but for my sake I knew she had to. I was too embarrassed to show Sandy the way things really were for me.

A week before school was to start again, I woke up to the sound of the record player gushing with sound. Some classical piece by some composer that I didn’t care to know about was reverberating throughout our house. I stuck my head out my bedroom door to see my mother rushing down the hall at a quickened pace with handfuls of her outlandish clothing. She had streams of mascara diluted by tears running down her face. I silently followed her through the living room and out the front door where I watched her thrust the contents of her hands out onto the grass amidst the zoo of fake animals. I saw that my father, looking quite __ from being awoken out of his sleep, was standing on the edge of the porch, looking silently overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. I didn’t have to talk to him to know that nothing had caused this outburst, it was just my mother slipping back into her bad days. My mother bumped my shoulder as she burst her way back through our lima bean door in search of more goods to throw out. My father returned inside unsure of his next move as I took a seat on the swing.

I never understood why she was this way. Her behavior followed no plan, it was totally unpredictable and unexplainable. There was nothing any of us could do to help her. I sat staring into the already muggy Alabama morning and began to notice an approaching figure in the distance. My mother rushed by with another load of dresses and wigs and vampy stockings as the violins swelled to a musical apex inside. It did not take me long to realize that the approaching figure was Sandy. What was she doing here? We had no plans today, and she had never just appeared at my house without warning like this, and today of all days was not the day to be doing so. I rushed out into the yard past the turtles and sunhats and seagulls and floral skirts to the street to meet Sandy. By this time my mother had sprawled herself out on the grass and was flailing her arms, ripping up the grass and tearing the closest articles of clothing as the violins wailed inside.

I hoped that as I found my way to Sandy she might not be able to hear my mother’s screaming sobs and that she might not find it odd that classical music was playing louder than classical music had ever been played in the background, but I could tell by the look on her face she knew something was going on. As I met her in the street she walked right past me until she was standing dead center in front of our house. I watched in horror at what was happening and in fear of what might come next as her eyes poked from point to point of this bazaar scene. I saw her glance back at the lima bean door, then to the plastic animals, the outlandish outfits and finally stopping on my mother, who by now had reduced her sobs to low pitiful murmurs and her flailing and ripping to simply burying her face in the grass. My father stepped out the front door and walked up to my mother. He noticed Sandy’s presence and gave us both a nod as he helped my mother up and back into the house. I turned to Sandy.
“Look, I think I should explain all this.”
“I came here because I was wondering if you wanted to go down to the river with me today.”

*needs some work, but im happy. we'll see what happens

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

im in the library




some images from my latest graphic design project. i had to create images for ways to represent the word protect. i had to do 50 of them. i almost died.

so now on only four hours of sleep i am apparently going to go through the rest of my day and get stuff done. im all to afraid this will not be the case.

yesterday i broke down. i enjoy being busy. i know people who go nonstop and it seems so awesome. but apparently im not cut out for that line of work. ever since i got to knoxville its just been one thing after another. i just got way too overwhelmed yesterday and ended up calling my mom crying. i dont do this ever.

she assured me it would be fine and im now going to drop down to 12 hours to make things a little easier on myself. she also assured me that when we get a little ways down the road, i can make the kinds of changes i want to make. she told me that i didnt have to be miserable all the time.

once again i find myself telling myself that its time i stopped worrying about graduating asap or knowing everything about my future or having everything planned out and just do what i enjoy so that at least all this can be a bearable experience.

i told her i wasnt sure what i wanted other than dropping that class at this point.

i dont think i was in a good emotional state to be making any decisions anyway.

i suppose i should read or something.