im very tired today and i have one of those tears before bedtime headaches. i wish i could be someone else for just a little while, but the problem is you can never run away from yourself. the great thing about me is i can never make up my mind...not. im probably just expecting too much. of myself and of others. i dont know what to say or do anymore. i just want to lay down and be someone else. i want to be able to call things on my own terms, but that will never happen, it always turns out wrong or i mess it up somehow. i just want things to be easier and instead they just get progressively harder. and i want to stop doing everything wrong. you want me to give you answers and i dont have any except that this is me and how messed up i am.

i shoudnt have written this it will only lead to trouble later.

spring cleaning

i think theres a reason there four seasons in a year, and not just one and it has nothing to do with climate changes.

its about people changes. i think humans would go crazy with just one season. we all need a little variation now and then. i put my winter clothes away today. im going to be so happy to be living somewhere slightly more permanently, and even more happy not to have two houses worth of stuff crammed into one. im really not even that excited about school next year, i suppose its more all the stuff that goes with that. living in athens: not so exciting for me quite honestly, but going back to school to do what i love doing once again will be nice, being around peers and living in a more conventional college situation will be better and getting the unique opportunity to start the whole college thing kinda over again is exciting.

the Bible says there is a season for everything. Pete Seeger wrote a song about it.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

I am in a better frame of mind now. I want to see things more positively these days. I think its important. Working alongside a girl known for her negativity and bad attitude has made me want to strive to do the opposite because i see how ugly it can be. such a thing is hard for a girl known for her brooding and harsh sarcasm, but im not changing who i am, just the angle of things. i want to look back on my life and know that i savored every second of it and every person in it and every thing that happened because i wasnt too busy looking forward to the horizon, hoping for better things to come, when all i ever had control over was right in front of me.

springtime will do that to a person.

will i ever be well? will i ever be totally normal? will i ever stop overanalyzing everything? i should hope so, but the odds are stacked against me.

this year has been an interesting one, i guess thats the best way to call it. unlike any other before and probably any after. i made some big changes, booted some people out, invited a few in, said goodbye, said hello, got my teeth yanked out and made some art along the way. and if theres one thing i can say it is this: never forget the value of those you keep close. you will never be able to even come close to understanding how important they are, but just give it a whirl for their sake.

maybe life really isnt about what kind of car youre driving, whether or not you have correct directions or even bothered to get them beforehand, or whether or not you even know where you're going. maybe its about the people sitting next to you incessantly changing the radio station, talking your ear off and making the whole thing worthwhile. love those people.

im off to athens now for portfolio review, wish me luck : )

ill leave you alone. ill stop taunting you and ill stop feeling sorry for myself...sometime soon. i just need to get my ass off the internet and start doing something.

i miss you, but thats my business.

2+2=?

Where the touch of the lover ends
And the soul of the friend begins
Theres a need to be separate and a need to be one
And a struggle neither wins
Where you gave me the world I was in
And a place I could make a stand
I could never see how you doubted me
When Id let go of your hand

And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And itll never fold back
Sky blue and black

And Id have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If Id known thats what you needed
What you needed me to do


thank you drew for that, beautiful lyrics if ive ever heard them.

im not sure if im ready to write yet, if i will know what to say or if i trust myself enough with this keyboard right now to let my voice be heard how i want it to come out. i will give it a try.

im sitting in the middle of a crowded hallway at school and im not really sure im up to doing this right now. but i keep thinking maybe this will help somehow.

each day gets a little better and a little worse, which must mean im not really moving anywhere. each day im reminded of things that now must change or will never be. i check my phone for text messages, but there will never be any, no one else ever texts me. the vast expanse of the summer and college and everything else now seems greater and more empty than ever. its more than i can handle to think about right now. one day at a time they say.

apparently im not supposed to be sad, seeing as how this is my doing. and even if that werent true, its been few days, so apparently im supposed to be good as new again ready for my new life in a new town shed of everything but myself.

in case you were wondering the above is not true, im not ok right now. and when i dont talk about it, its because you cant hear the screaming inside for someone to help me to try to piece everything back together again.

but no ones going to hear that i dont expect them to. its not their problem its my own. its my doing its my fault. i pissed in my bed and now ill lie in it alone.

to you, i am so sorry, and if theres anything good i can say about this whole situation its that maybe now you can go out and get what you deserve, because you deserve so so many things. you deserve more than i could ever provide for you in my selfishness and my business and my ignorance. and i know that you thought the world of me but i am just another girl with a sackful of problems and a much too cold hearted disposition for a wonderful soul like yourself. you are going to be fine, you are going to be wonderful, it is me who will always be the one missing out. i never lied to you about anything and i understand if you dont believe anything i ever say to you again, i suppose thats how it works at times.

and i know you dont believe me, and you may not understand, and i dont expect you to, but all i ever wanted for you and all i ever wanted you to see was the things i mentioned above.

i lost my best friend today.

it ended where it began.

and it keeps hitting me in little pieces hurting more and more each time. after over a year a person becomes pretty ingrained in your life. and now im seeing how everything somehow has a connection to him. the worst feeling i could ever have was just sitting there in the park with my head on his shoulder taking in the last few moments as much as i could before what i knew would happen transpired.

i hope i did the right thing.

its all happened so fast i dont know what to think anymore. i cant even believe its real. so much of my life is different now...all of my life is different now. my future looks completely different now. i m not sure what to think. and i feel so awful, and so sorry for it all.

i will possess your heart

It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet

You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart

Have you ever eaten something and you couldnt get the taste of it out of your mouth for hours? You tried drinking water or eating something else or sucking on a mint and nothing will cut it. A bad taste in your mouth.


I've got a bad taste in my mind. Theres no way for me to put this without sounding completely high and i dont expect any of this to make any sense to anyone other than myself, but ever since i could remember ive had these certain vague images of unexplainable origin that i see in my mind whenever a certain feeling comes over me. theyre images of vacancy, loss, obscurity, postmodernism, loneliness. i see stretches of urban interstate with the cheap looking orange glow of the street lights. roadside motels of broken houses and broken dreams. vending machines. blues guitars. cigarettes. pornography. darkness. polyester. airports. stale coffee. the end of the world.

I'm not really sure where these things came from and why they stick with me, but ive carried them with me all my life. Whenever i find myself at the helm of an unprescribed period of time, it seems daunting to me, and these images come to mind. i feel a great deal of uncertainty. of uneasiness. i feel like im doing something wrong yet ive done nothing, perhaps that is what is wrong. like a bad chess player i dont know my next move. meanwhile i cant get the eerie chords of i will possess your heart out of my head.

well damn, you can be the first to know i just got into georgia.

the feeling still presses on.

this is new

its sunday and i think i may actually be able to make it through the week without a complete mental breakdown this time. for the first time in a long time i have had the wonderful privilege of being both motivated and left alone for a few days. No one called me to essentially tell me that if i didnt go to this place or meet with these people they would be quietly mad at me. no one made plans for me without my permission, and no one assumed i was available. no one came in from out of town, and no one asked me to cover their shifts.

i know i have a tendency to be a very selfish person, unfortunately its an only child thing, which makes it a toughie to change. but i think there are some times when not only should you be selfish, but you must be selfish. by the same token, even when you have to be selfish you have to do it right. theres a mean way and a nice way to do it. but when youre knee deep in school work, completely and utterly sleep deprived and stressed out of your mind, thats when you know its ok to say no. ive still got a lot on my plate, but at least for the time being things are looking a little brighter and a little less insane.

and for those who said i couldnt do it, i am doing it right now. i have taken steps toward doing what i want to do, and its working. and youll never know, youll never understand and perhaps youll never listen, but i have proved you wrong.

mirror mirror

when my turn came
i was ashamed
when my turn came
i was ashamed
of her

ive been taking a trip into the past, not really out of my own wanting to do so, but just out of accident. random occurrences that take me back to places i didn't ask to go. i've been listening to all the wrong cds and songs. documents, people, pieces of art keep turning up that remind me of things id rather not remember. i went to the high school the other day, down D hall. I think ive forgotten everything about high school except senior year, so i thought of yearbook and cassaniti. and spring break and conversations in the car and psuedo Bible studies and my new computer and colvin and my internship and haigwood and my stupid fucking optimism about life as it continuously slapped me in the face for the next year and a half or possibly even up until now. i sat at my place at the desk as kirk explained to us his anxiety attacks and i remember sitting in that purple office with that south african lady, i think her name was diane. she told me to read a certain book, which i didnt. i was just another number on her list, im not so sure she ever really listened to me. as i took kirks paper work and there was a bustle in the office i saw in his face that he was fighting off one then and there and it made me want to cry. am i over all that now? i'd like to think it was just a faze but only time can tell. i think its quite possible to almost completely block out certain things in your mind to the point where you almost dont remember them at all...save when you hear the right song and youre back in your car in knoxville with tired eyes driving over the bridge, you can smell the cold concrete of the classroom you can feel the heat of the never ending summer sun outside. some days i can handle these memories and some days i cant, but they dont come around too often, just something about lately...im having a lot of trouble with myself lately. nothing new i suppose. i dont know what i want and i dont know what im expecting of myself. as usual im leaving all others out of my plans, choosing instead to pursue my own wants and needs. im just so sick of it all. i cant help sometimes but feel like i hate myself for what ive done in the past, who ive allowed myself to be and how i treat others now.

this is why i am stressed, it is not work, it is not school, it is not the quickly incoming summer, it is not the future, it is not the review, it is not the fact that i am blatantly out of shape. it is me. how can i be of any use or benefit to anyone else if i am not ok with who/how i am? and im afraid its never going to go away. why cant i just turn away from these things? why cant i just leave it alone?

frustuuuuration!

i
well theres my drawing for pr so far. i dont like drawing self portaits, i already make people look ugly and awkward enough when i draw them, no need to do it to myself and make me have low self confidence on top of all that. sometimes i wish i made myself draw more, or at least art more. my entire childhood i can remember spending entire weekends or hours after school working on stupid little projects i dreamed up, creating all kinds of things, the kind of creativity i envy now.

ive barely had time to think, much less draw. if i can make it through the next two weeks or so, the rest of the semester should be piece of angel food cake. ive been in communication with several area photographers, and it seems like this summer will at least involve some kind of work with that, maybe even really super awesome internship with an amazing guy, though i think i lack the physical strength and lifting ability for that one. ugh, im tired of thinking about it so much. i wish there was just a happy road and you just walked down it and that was that, that was all the decision making you had to do. but i guess its not that like, so ill just keep freaking out i suppose haha.

if i could do whatever i wanted right now, here is what i would do (in no particular order):
fly down to some warm beach somewhere
enjoy some crab legs
use the million dollars that a random passerby gave me to peruse local boutiques
receive my admissions letter from the dean of the university himself
suddenly pick up some mad drawing skills
fly back here
step on that evil bitchy bride's face (yeah thats right, you sign that contract lady)

oh well. i guess im off to the high school and work instead.

ahhh!

i need to calm down. i feel way in over my head. i wake up tired because i know i didnt sleep well because my body was in a state of panic all day. im worried about school im worried about my next school im worried about portfolio review im worried about my job im worried about what i'll do this summer im worried about my projects im worried about my relationships im worried about how ill ever get this stuff done. i dont know if ive ever been this devastatingly worried about this many things at one time. im scared to pick up the phone or check my email or go outside for fear of discovering something more i have to carry on my back. its been like this for several days and im not sure how long the average human can go like this before they crash. i know theres only so much i can do, theres only so much i can take on at once. i have to just go down the list one by one and deal with each thing as it comes. but it seems like each thing is linked to the previous one. in theory they all must be done at the same time otherwise the whole thing will come crashing down. its too much for anyone to expect of themselves. yesterday i took my laptop to school so i could work on other projects and other things for other classes as i sat blankly in class. yeah i guess thats how bad it is. ive just gotta hang on, things will be better soon.

can't take the fight from the kid...

last weekend i had the privilege of doing some work for my old yb staff girl elyse and her friends. i know it was only two years ago but it really brought me back to my high school days. some days i dont feel that far away from high school, like my life is pretty much the same and im pretty much the same person i was two years ago, but seeing them interact made me realize how far from that life i really am. my saturdays no longer consist of softball games, meeting friends for lunch, running to the mall and finishing it up with movie night in someones basement. now i find myself working and realizing how much money i dont have so avoiding the mall at all costs. movie nights are now traded for binge drinking and random play. to be quite honest, the former life seems much more fun.

im not saying by any means id go back. there is a season for everything, but sometimes i wish that my inner self could go back there. back to a time when i didnt have to worry about having enough money to buy the stuff i needed to start the business i dont really have and maybe it will work maybe it wont. back to the time when i didnt feel so disconnected from friends, living a life they will never be a part of and seeing how true the saying is "out of sight out of mind" to some people. back to a time when things were structured for me by state law and i didnt have to think so much and make so many damn decisions. back when i could just do what i felt like and not have to worry how it might affect so many others, when i didnt feel like sometimes i was walking on needles. back to a time when i wasnt juggling a life of the past a somewhat in-between life of the present and a very uncertain future. back when life decisions didnt depend on the judgment or decisions of complete strangers ill never know. back to when i could sleep at night without waking up at three am wondering if i had done everything i was supposed to and emailed everyone i was supposed to and done all my homework and made all my phone calls and printed that damn sociology quiz out.

i wouldn't have it any other way?

things i need to tell myself outside of my head aka: how i stopped listening to the arcade fire and learned to love myself.

theres always a lot to think about this time of year. its like since Christmas we've all packaged ourselves into cocoons and refused to acknowledge each other or the world around us until it becomes a manageable temperature once again. we emerge way too pale and ready to drink copious amounts of alcohol and reintroduce ourselves to the world once again. excuse me while i talk to myself a little bit here.

-you need to get a grip on your school work once again. though it is not right now, it should be your main focus if you can hold onto your grades you will be quite pleased with yourself. also, you need to keep your shit together.

-portfolio time! ahh fuck that we'll deal with that later.

-you should probably call ut and tell them youre not coming back...you never did that you know.

-maybe you should just go back to ut, at least you know where everything is.

-have you ever considered writing as a possible venture? apparently youre not awful at it...hmm writers dont make any money...neither do second rate designers shiiiittt...

-did you know that the human head weighs eight pounds?

-you REALLY need a haircut or something

-why are haircuts so freaking expensive??? and why do you have to tip on top of that?

-you need to go deposit that check today, perhaps you can chew out the branch location manager b/c his employee told jordan to call clark howard. chewing people out always makes you feel better.

-I could fancy having me one of those 50mm f1.4s right about now...noooo save your money!

-It would be nice to have a job that didnt block its employees from using the internet...i just wanted to look up the weather. Oh well, maybe ill read more.

-time to get my act together. ive got several models who want to work with me and a website to build.



its the first day of spring, congratulations! we made it through the rough harshness of winter. daylight savings time has arrived and i couldnt be more excited about that. i dont know how many times ive said this, so i cant attest to how much it will actually work for me, but the weather is getting warm, im at home in a place where im comfortable, no longer depressed and surrounded by people who care about me. its time to stop worrying my life away. its fun time.

kissing the lipless.

i think it would help if i just sat down and took a moment to organize my thoughts into a nice little to do list.

otherwise i will probably go insane.


suffices to say ive got a lot on my plate right now.

most of which i dont even want on my plate to begin with.

haha.

sometimes i hear myself bitching and complaining about the above factors in my mind and i want to smack myself in the head. look where i came from, a girl who spent weekends watching top model marathons because she didnt have any other humans with which to interact. now look at me, im busier ever. and though i complain about some of the things i have to do, i enjoy most of them, and all of them benefit me in one way or another.

but the only way im going to get this all done in a non-shitty way without losing my mind or cussing someone out or getting fired or being mean is if i stay organized and on top of things.

but damn, a girls gotta sleep.

oh no, im listening to arcade fire again.

oh hey there, i forgot about you.

my life has been crazy busy, which is something im not used to. school twice a week, homework sometimes, trips back and forth to atlanta, lots of emails to uga, a small and very much not thriving photography business, oh and lets not forget work all tend to take up fractions of my time.

at the end of the day im usually left with a headache, a messy room and a numb disposition. but i am happy. for once in my life i feel at least somewhat productive. i have to feel productive, i dont have much time for myself, so how much more productive can i be?

i continue to let others walk all over me. whether it be the bride who wants to pay me two dollars to run from here to africa, camera in tow, while holding marbles under my eyelids or my coworkers who bat their eyelashes at me and ask me to cover their shifts with little promise of ever returning the favor. i continue to find myself at the mercy of everyone else's wishes and im the one to blame. i wallow in self pity, but i do it to myself. i had made a lot of good plans for the rest of the semester and now ive either inadvertently canceled all of them or dont even care about them anymore. sometimes it seems like any sense of optimism or stupid joy i had is slowly fading. i dont know whats wrong with me. i guess i just get too excited about things before they solidify, so then im often disappointed. i protect myself by not caring. theres a lot of things i wish i cared about, but im increasingly finding that i dont or dont as much as i used to.

but why care anyway when life is just going to disappoint you right? yeah im sure thats how we're supposed to live our lives, just readying ourselves for the next disappointment.

i dont even know what im talking about anymore.

i would like nothing more than to take a small trip to the beach and go for a walk on it even if it were kinda cold or cloudy and just take a break from thinking about all the shit that gets backed up in my brain everyday, all the things i worry about incessantly to the point where it paralyzes me from taking action. i would like to eat some crab legs or a well-cooked piece of fish, and a brownie sundae or something of the like would be nice as well. i would like to fall asleep in another city.

but the reality is all the beaches are covered over with fucking drunk high schoolers in wet t shirt contests, and i need to lock myself in my room and make 1 million+ self portraits and think about what the fuck "dead heat" means.

i comfort myself by thinking that summer is close, and THEN i can do something on my own terms, do something fun or interesting. then i realize that i have no cool summer plans either, and its unlikely that will change.

so in the meantime, ill just go back to default mode. ill worry about whether or not i can get a job and if not, can i stand to continue in my current one, ill worry about getting into uga even though its months before ill know, ill worry about the first portfolio review, even though theres not too much i can do about it at this point, ill worry that if i eat lunch i might begin to flub around the waste only to cancel my worries out by eating four snickers later in the day anyway, ill worry that somehow i am inadvertently fucking up my relationship with someone in someway and not really realizing it, ill worry about stupid sociology, ill worry that im spending too much of my pay check, ill worry about school next year and whether or not i think i can make it even though school is literally nine months away, ill worry about credits and transfer credits and blah blah blah and im going to be in college forever, ill worry about these gaping holes in my mouth, ill worry that somehow im doing something wrong.

i swear, this is probably the easiest time of my life, and i feel like ive never carried more weight on my back. theres always something to worry about and its starting to take its toll.

having our say

i think it was in like 9th grade we had to read this book called having our say. i dont really even remember what it was about, but if recollection serves me it was about two very old black women who had been friends for a very long time. it was just them telling stories and recollecting on the good old days. obviously it didn't leave enough of a mark on me to remember now, several years later. but i wonder, what gave them the right to have their say? and what gives anyone that right? do we have to be 92 before we're allowed to have our say?

i feel like over the past few years a lot of things have happened without my permission. no one ever asked me if it was what i wanted in my heart. i never really got to decide whether or not i wanted my innocent demeanor stripped of me, i never got to decide if i wanted the college experience. i feel like the things that have happened to me have slowly been taking and taking and taking. and then it just gets to the point where everything else wins, i give up. its not how i wish it to be, but perhaps it is what it is.

perhaps im just being way too dramatic, which is highly possible, but i think ive felt some pretty heavy stuff over the past little while. or maybe its not heavy at all, im just making it so. i dont know the difference, but i suppose this is my place to talk however i wish and not face backlash from it, so ill leave it as is.

i guess i just want to have my chance to have my say. and its coming, slowly but surely. i still have the great friends and family that i always have had, lucky for me i didnt lose them along the way. not excluded from that is my amazing boyfriend who has listened to all my shit even when im sure he had to be thinking i was crazy, and im not doubting that a little of me is.i just have all these things i want to do with my life, and goals for what i want to do and who i want to be in the future, and unfortunately, i just dont see it happening. sometimes the take and take and take is just too much, there's nothing left to pick up off the ground and start over with. i often feel completely incapable of carrying on a normal friendly social conversation. its like i dont even know how to do it anymore, or maybe i never did. i spend time on ebay looking at equipment i'd love to have and thinking of all the things i'd do with it, only to slap myself back into the reality that that's wasted money when i wont even pick up a camera for fear taking shitty pictures.

my fear is that i changed locations, and thats it. and in the end that leaves me in the same place.

may God's love be with you...always

well things in atlanta have definitely turned around. i finally got a job and school is really picking up. i dont have too much of a say how i spend my time anymore, as my days are largely already blocked out for me. i kinda like life like this. being close to the city and its chic-ness and its opportunity is really cool. being able to see jordan almost whenever i want is even better. and i like working while im in school...im incapable of just relaxing so it makes me feel like im being productive. even though its far away, ive already begun thinking to next semester. new place, all the more to have to get used to and just something else to start over with. im excited, but at the same time im scared. as always im scared i wont be good enough or that i wont make it through. even moreso, im just scared that somehow ill lose jordan along the way.

i feel myself growing up inside more and more everyday. i feel like im seeing life and what happens after college and how you feel and how you think more and more. how you really are just a slightly altered carbon copy of your parents unless you do something about it. how comfort will land you a college degree and a dead end job at a massage parlor or a dying photography studio. i talked to jessie and she said that being home when everyone else is away at school will do that to you. ive always been an old soul, i dont need another push. she said eventually you just get "over" the whole college thing.

i dont want to be over anything, i just want to be happy. and i see that happiness doesnt follow a formula or a calendar or a recipe, it just is what it is where it is when it is. we should consider ourselves lucky if we can keep up.

lack of color.

oh my well i would be writing more in here, but every time i think about it i realize how much i dont have to say. i dont know that i could prepare myself for how difficult it would be to go back to living at home. i get along great with my parents, its not that. and fortunately for me, i happen to now for once live in the same county as my boyfriend, which is a new and good thing. but somehow despite these positive attributes, it just feels like something's missing now. perhaps a sense of responsibility for myself. here i feel much more taken care of than when i am on my own at school. my inability to find a job only adds to this feeling. even though i am going to school for twelve hours and im trying to find a job and trying to get things that otherwise just need to get done done, i think just living here in this place makes me feel lazy and unproductive somehow.

despite all this i know i am much better off now than before. if i actually really think back to what i have come from and that place where i once was i cant imagine having to do that again, i am in a much better position nowadays. i think its all shown me something else too: that the people who really love you are the ones who stick by you when things are boring. It's easy to get caught up in relationships of any kind when things are exciting and new and crazy, but what about when all there is to do is sit on the couch and sulk about it?

i consider myself lucky to have that: someone who sticks around for the good and the bad and someone who cares regardless. ive seen the other side of the coin, and im going to stick to this one.

give me a break, give me a break...

well once again it has been awhile. not that i havent had time to write, or even a lack of material. i guess its moreso about a lack of discipline to sit down and write about my state of the union.

its definitely strange being home again. it makes me feel like im in high school again, but without many of the goodness of high school (ie: all my friends, easy classes, familiarity, naivety) i go to school two days a week and attend classes that are starkingly academic from the world of art that i am used to. thus far i spend the other five days sitting on my ass in front of the television or participating in some nice slow self loathing. i listen to my ipod all the time on campus now and im currently reading the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime...finally. im making a feeble attempt at learning to sew and if i can bang out this cinched-neck shift ive got going on ill feel really proud of myself. otherwise, i spend most of the time thinking about all the things i should be doing with this vast amount of free time i have, and then convincing myself not to do them. try as i may to focus my energies on all kinds of things (getting that perfect bod at the gym, becoming a well-versed individual, drafting up new photography ideas, learning the creative suite software, sewing a dress that will never happen) at the end of the day i feel like a two year old with add trying to entertain myself.

but i cant complain. if i look back to where i cam from i realize how nice it is to be here. at least i live with people who know me well and i can talk to about anything and who wont scrutinize what i eat for its calorie content (if anything its the other way around...not enough calories) my boyfriend is a cool thirty minutes away (assuming you are not driving between 630-930am and 4-7pm) and though i have yet to pay a visit, its nice to know the gfs are only an hour and a half away as well. this alone is more comfort that i have had for the past year and a half, which is why really i cant complain.

so now i continue on my daily job search. according to my possibly inaccurate records, I have submitted resumes to 17 different companies of all kinds around the atlanta area. from that i have gotten one interview, one day-long contractor work job, three phone calls and three emails. most parties have chosen not to respond one way or the other.

i didnt spend a whole semester burning cds at a graphic design firm, or spend two summers of my life pestering people over the phone who didnt even speak english, or work my ass off through high school and up to my current time in college to be turned down for employment at hair salons.

sorry.

i spent friday doing some freelance work for a very prestigious firm in midtown. it was an awesome place and they do some highly recognizable work. but i get there and i realize that i dont really even know how to do what they want me to do. a short tutorial and some practice later and ive got it down pat, but it was so embarrassing. it just makes me wonder if im capable of doing this, and if im this doubtful then why am i even bothering with it in the first place? that situation coupled with my general lack of success in the job market, the bad review i got at the end of the semester and the basic feeling of failure that automatically comes with moving back in at home even if you dont really feel that way has made me to have absolutely no confidence in myself anymore. i dont know what im capable of, and im getting a little tired of trying. maybe ive just been overconfident all this time, but im having a little trouble picking myself up off the floor after this blow.

i need some time to figure out who i am and whats going on with me. maybe thats what this whole thing was about anyway. i need a little perspective, and some way to figure out a plan b.

however, i must give props to jordan, who, when he is quite possibly least trying to do so can make me feel better about these things by reminding me its ok to be human every now and then.


now its off to read an article entitled: how does your positionality bias your epistemology?

or maybe not.

warm up.

it has been a while. my apologies to those who care haha. the past week and a half have been absolutely insane. my mom came up and helped me move out and we were gone on the 13th. came home, had a party on Saturday, spent a few days trying to move all my furniture around and all my junk out of the way, did some last minute Christmas shoppping, went to a job interview, did some photography, went back to knox on friday, moved all my furniture out, came back friday night, spent saturday trying to get it in the house, left sunday morning for alabama, came back monday evening went directly to jordans and hit the bed monday night wanting to sleep forever.

christmas was great, a sigh of relief if you will. my house is still a wreck. every time i try to go anywhere i cant find any of my stuff. but i loved just being home and not having to go anywhere and relaxing and not thinking about my lack of job or my worries about school and the future and school in the future. i just forgot about that all and ate the food and didnt count the calories and laughed about stupid memories and home videos and promenade movies. i got everything i could have wanted (adobe creative suite, some converse all stars some lovely clothes and ironically two umbrellas haha) my dad surprised jordan with a taylor guitar. and after all the stress and all the worrying and the million trips up and down the stairs of my house and apartment, i just got to chill with my four favorite people (+ one dog) in the world. that's a christmas.

now im left once again concerned about what's next. today i suppose i will begin to clean up the mess of furniture and books and magazines and clothes and art i have left all over our house and begin to reorganize my life in a different place.

ive packed a change of clothes cause its time to move on.

crossing slowly such a big bridge. we'll all make mistakes along the way. so just hold your breath and take a step into, into whatever comes after. if you think this could be what you want, you just gotta try.

it seems as though caitlyn had the perfect aim away message for me today so i put it here haha.

its my last full day in the knox. fittingly, its rainy and dreary, but oddly warm for december. we signed the subleases this morning, but im still not sure i feel this is really real. i have to say that if my time here at ut could have been anything remotely like what the past few weeks here have been like for me, there's no doubt i would have stayed. formal, christmas parties, watching movies with ebeth and sam, finishing up school, jordan visiting and going to gatlinburg, random trips out for ice cream and of course monday night dinners have made the past few weeks truly good ones. i guess its nice to be able to say that i went out on a good note. i have no grudge about ut. i think its a wonderful school and will continue to rise in its standings in the years to come. my bad experiences here were frankly self-induced. the people im close to here have been wonderful and i will still cheer for tennessee because i was born and raised a volunteer. i will still uphold that this area of the country (not so much the ut campus or the city of knoxville aka mini detroit as belton likes to call it) is much more beautiful than middle georgia with its rolling hills and the smokey mountains in the distance. i have seen some of the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets of my life over the tennessee river.

perhaps if i gave all this one more semester to pan out, things would be fine. sometimes when i think about it logically, its quite stupid of me to go anywhere else. im already established here, ive already made headway in my program here. now i get to go erase all that to start over. at least if i dont get into my major here i have a backup plan, at georgia there is no plan. i guess panic is the plan. everyone else seems to think that me going to georgia is the easy way out, like im going to have this paradise of a life sitting before me on a silver platter as soon as i get there. maybe im just being stupid but i dont think its that way at all. im going into a harder program at a campus i dont know with a lot of odds stacked against me. im walking into people's lives who used to be a part of mine, but now have new lives of their own. i dont fit into that new picture. so no, its not all cherry pies and chocolate cake, its going to be hard, and its going to hurt. its going to make me doubt whether ive done the right thing, but i dont know what else im supposed to do.

i dont feel like analyzing it anymore, why things happened the way they did. why i changed my mind. what may or may not happen next. im too tired to deal with it all anymore. the plans are set and i doubt theyll change. ive got to remember to take this all one day at a time. its too early to be worrying about what happens in nine months. i cant do that to myself.

when i apologized to my dad about wasting a lot of his money on out of state tuition for, in the end no reason. he rejected my apology. he said he was paying for an experience, and he was right. even though im coming home i feel like i did do something here. if i had to stick it out here, if there was no way out, i could find a way. i can go to a city knowing no one and somehow find my way around and find the best grocery store and make a small appearance on the scene and stay alive. at the age of twenty i know i am capable of doing all of these things. and maybe thats what he payed for. and thats what i have that some people dont. its not right or wrong its just part of the experience.

this is all been an exercise in learning who i am. when you disconnect yourself from all the people who've known you forever and know you so well you find out a lot about yourself. im a loner. im an only child independent loner who only lives for herself. im selfish and reserved and feel insecure in broad social situations. being out alone after dark makes me uncomfortable as does not having any cash on my person. i cant stand the smell of sauted mushrooms and i dont think its a good idea for me to live with other virgos. i can create a grilled cheese via four different cooking methods and though i cant read a map, i can figure out where roads go. i dont like sleeping alone anymore and i am slightly dyslexic.

i have a lot to learn and it starts with me. the next thing i need to learn is how to be in a relationship, how to truly become unselfish and understanding. how to compromise and how to care. ive got a lot of work to do, but first i have a lot of packing to go.

it feels like this is the day ive waited for since i got here a year and a half ago; im going home.

I'm staring out into the night
Trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain

The miles are getting longer, it seems
The closer I get to you
I've not always been the best man or friend for you
But your love, it makes true
And I don't know why
You always seem to give me another try

So I'm going home
Back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I'm not running from
No, I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home
I'm going home


Balls to the walls eyes faced forward headstrong not looking back.

kinkos? no dude, f*** kinkos!

it's official: the end of the semester is kicking my ass. i have an exam in art history in about three hours and i have just lost all desire to look at another one of albrecht durers representations of Christ carrying the cross. theres so much going on right now: studying, finishing projects, a shit ton of really bad writing, packing, trying to get these mofos to sign my sublease, getting all contraband items out of my apartment, getting ready for orientation at my new school (my head is spinning after the spanish qualifying exam i just took, its been way too long). so like ive been saying, i have had a lot on my mind. then i went to kinkos...

i had to get some stuff printed for my gd final. i went to kinkos the night before it was due, i suppose a mistake on my part, but it wasnt due until four the next day so i had time. i walk in the store and the guy freaks out and says they are super busy and they cant take the two seconds it would take for them to print my six 8.5x11 color pages so i have to do this self service thing.

now ill pref this by saying that im not much of a self service kind of person. i enjoy the self checkout at kroger when i only have a few items and everyone else has 34809, and theres no need to pay extra for gas just to have a dude in a jumpsuit come pump it for you anymore. but i feel these days the idea of self service may have gotten a little out of hand. im not a business person, but i do understand that self service improves efficiency and frees up employee time to be running more important aspects of the business, but we also have to think of customer satisfaction here. and i am an unsatisfied customer. here is why.

so im like i dont really want to do this whole self service thing because the whole reason i go to kinkos rather than just printing it on my perfectly good printer here is because they have a good supply of nice paper and printers that do a better job than mine can. at only a little over a dollar a sheet, i think its worth it. im looking at this inkjet business theyve got going on in the self area with an eye of suspicion, so i ask the guy if the print quality will be good, he says yes. i ask if i can see some of the paper. its not as good as what i usually get, but its not see through and that was all that mattered to me. the guy asks for my credit card and shoves it into this slot at the computer. i am now being charged twenty cents a minute just for breathing in this room. i frantically rush to the computer, precious dollars ticking out of my account with every passing moment, to try to print my documents with as little fiscal harm as possible.

i print the first document. it is completely cropped off and ironically turned sideways. i know im a student, but im not an idiot, the document was set up just fine. i call homeboy over to help me and have to wait for five minutes as he helps a disoriented lady work the copy machine. again i hear "cha-ching" ringing in my ears as the minutes rack up on my credit card. homeboy comes and does something to the computer and i print the rest of my documents just fine.

i note that the colors are quite off on two of the prints, what should be bright purple is now a dull burgundy and what should be a soft golden is now a violent piss color. i remove my credit card which has now been charged over 14 dollars. i go to the counter to be reimbursed for the first two prints that got shot to hell. homeboy #2 helps me. i ask him why my purple now looks like the color of airplane seats and my yellow looks like someones bladder exploded all over my project. he takes my credit card and tells me it's probably because the machine is getting low on ink.

thats it.

why do you think i came here in the first place? to use a failing machine? YES! That is why i came! I wanted to make sure, that instead of looking like the brilliant masterpiece I spent hours creating on the computer, that my project looks like absolute shit! Thank you homeboy #2!

He gives me my card back. I wait for a receipt. He tells me I have to go to this machine to get a receipt. I sigh with defeat. The machines have taken over. I go up to the kiosk it tells me to put my card in. I swear, I've been shopping all day at the mall and not used my credit card this much. i stick my card in the machine, it wont take it. i consider breaking my card by forcing it into the machine in protest of this dumbassery, but decide that will only hurt myself. i march out of the store into the rain (they didnt give me a bag to protect my prints) having paid 12 dollars for something that should have cost me six, and thats with the nice paper.

in summation, even though the people at kinkos are complete dumbasses, they are nice. you cannot replace dumbassed-niceness with a machine of any kind. and i never did get my receipt.

i would like to write, but i dont have anything nice to say. maybe later i will.

on empty.

i think i may have officially run out of gas. i mean my sleep patterns have been normal, im not experiencing a lack of rest any moreso than usual, but what i mean is i cant really take this anymore. ive got pressure on me on all sides right now. its finals time, i know everyones under a lot of stress, but in addition to tons of work and test anxiety ive got added fun stuff: a room mate who gets on my case on an hourly basis about my lack of room mate situation as if i have complete control over the universe, im going back and forth with my next school making sure i have everything ready for next semester, im starting to think about packing up my things here, and im ending a whole chapter of my life which though im happy about the whole situation, its still emotional.i dont know why i cry anymore. i cant tell if its because im stressed out or because im relieved this will all be over soon or if its because im scared of whats next. honestly i think its a combination of the three.

i blame myself for ever wanting to leave here. at the end of the day its going to take so much effort and waste so much money and possibly even be hurtful to other people. sometimes i wonder why i couldnt just suck it up so i might not have caused so much damage.

type a.

Type A Personality Test

According to the scientific literature, the Type A Personality construct describes someone who is aggressively involved in a chronic, incessant struggle to achieve more and more in less and less time. The defining characteristics of the Type A Behavior Pattern (TABP) are a strong drive to succeed, hostility, competitiveness, perfectionism, a desire for recognition, wealth and advancement, difficulty talking about feelings, and a sense of urgency and impatience.

Snapshot Report

Impatience/Irritability
40 out of 100

Your interactions with others, while characterized by warmth and tolerance the majority of the time, may occasionally be tinged with impatience and hostility. When you’re stressed or frustrated, you may lash out at others or end up stewing in anger or frustration, but this is very rare. Since you generally trust others, you are usually willing to open up emotionally and value relationships for the sake of the people involved, instead of what they can do for you. This is fortunate because a high amount of this aspect of the Type A Behavior Pattern (TABP) can not only be extremely harmful to relationships, it is also very damaging to your health. While originally it was thought that global TABP was the culprit in coronary heart disease, research now shows that hostility, impatience, and other related traits are the real source of the problem. Based on your results here, you are likely not at a very elevated risk of heart disease, but keep in mind that there are other causes unrelated to the TABP, such as poor diet, lack of exercise, and smoking, among other things.


ok i know i know its my second entry of the day. but its raining and im feeling kinda down and i have nothing else better to do but im not quite ready for sleep just yet. i started wondering about type a and type b personalities this afternoon, and it made me wonder where i fell on the spectrum. so i took a few tests and they all came out relatively the same, the results being shown above.

ive run across a few very much so type a people in recent times. one being a girl who is in several of my classes (an art major, imagine that, not exactly where youd think to find a type a person). she craves structure, her work must be technically perfect. she doesnt understand when she doesnt get a's in a class and complains to the teacher about it.

my room mate is another excellent example of a type a. (im not trying to say that its such a horrible thing, although research has shown that those who bend more toward the type b direction are a little more socially balanced and healthier because of their calmer demeanor.) i feel like some days from the second she gets out of bed shes running. running to do her homework running to get things checked off her checklist running to, well, go running. she eats the healthiest meals all the time, she studies weeks before her exams, she exercises daily, she takes care of problems the second they arise. it all seems like a part of a really healthy lifestyle, but honestly witnessing it firsthand as i do just wears me out. it seems like a healthy lifestyle, but i dont think it is. all the calorie counting, academic stress and self criticism seem to take their toll over time.

as i sat in my room able to hear her sobbing on the phone tonight about how horribly guilty she felt for going out and drinking last night i wanted to go to her and shake her and tell her that its ok to live and to feel and get your heart broken and be stupid and not plan out every little detail and not be in total control and not worry all the time. why do you do this to yourself? if all you ever want to be is perfect, youll be constantly disappointed.

dont get me wrong, ive got type a tendencies too. i know what it feels like to hit the floor in pain knowing youll never be good enough. i still feel like in some respects im letting my parents down by leaving here. in some ways i feel like im letting myself down by not sticking to my plans.

im thoroughly convinced life can be done in a very orderly and organized fashion. it can be done in a way that will never catch you off guard and never leave you hurt or lonely. it can be done cleanly with good hygiene and perfect morals. at can be alphabetized and categorized by name.

but when the shit goes down thats where you grow. thats where you pick yourself up out of the dust and mold and mildew and grime and you shake it off and you understand the world just a little bit better. thats where you see who you really are and what you can really do when youre pushed to the limits. no teacher or rulebook or computer program can do that for you. youll never be graded on it on a 4.0 scale, but who the hell really cares? the grades dont matter, its what you know that does. and some of the most unplanned, unconventional, bizarre, random, inexcusable, and incontrollable things that ive encountered in my life have been the ones that taught me the most.

its raining and its sunday and its almost time for finals. as i sit alone in my bed in my room in my apartment in tennessee once again, and watch the rain do beautiful things on my window in the light of that skanky orange streetlight, i encourage you all to live a little, and taking my own advice i hope everything will be alright.

rollercoaster.

damn what a weekend. im tired, sore and recovering from a mild wine headache from last night. this weekend encompassed many things. discovery health channel documentaries about sex (very interesting, btw you should check it out), discussing classy christmas parties, sex stores, funnel cakes, rednecks, ravioli, hairdressing, hauling my drunk room mate around and not quite enough sleep. it was great.

this weekend was formal and it was a lot of fun. my room mate tagged along and it was at a bank of all places. she kissed jordan on the bus on the way home and almost drove both of us insane haha.

as my friends said goodbye to jordan, they said goodbye to him for good. he's not coming back for another visit and i wont be back next semester. i think when they were saying bye to jordan it really hit me. damn, in a week and a half this is all over. over for real. for so long i felt like i was on a rollercoaster. like i had gotten on a ride i didnt want to be on, and there was no hope of stopping until it was over in its right time. no emergency breaks, no emergency exits, you stay strapped into your seat until its done. its the worst feeling in the world. but i got lucky, someone gave me a free pass to tell the driver to pull over and let me off. what a glorious thing, but where do i go after i get off? what will become of me? i look to the future with optimism, but everything is so unclear and mainly comprised of spur of the moment decisions that i can make no assumptions of what the picture of my future will be like.

are we ever really free?

Dog eared.

"1968: Do not resent her. Think about the situation, for instance, when you take the trash bag from its box: you must throw out the box by putting it in that very trash bag. What was once contained, now must contain. The container, then, becomes the contained, the enveloped, the held. Fine more and more that you like to muse over things like this." -How to Talk to Your Mother (Notes) by Lorrie Moore

I usually dont mark or mar my books up, i figure the abuse they suffer in my backpack everyday is far enough, but i did dog ear this page in my 30/30 book for my writing class because i thought it was super interesting. "What was once contained, now must contain." How beautiful is that? It reminds me of how in life our scenarios and roles and outlooks and feelings are constantly changing. Perhaps in one relationship you are the caregiver and when you are hurt by that person the next relationship you find, you are the one being cared for. or maybe its just about growing up and getting over yourself. as things in life change, we adapt, we move on.we figure it out and we become better (or in some cases worse i suppose haha) for it. i remember in the 8th grade the theme of that school year that we did projects on over and over and over again until our heads were bleeding was the human condition. but i am amazed by the strength of the human condition.

i dont really know why im rambling on all philosophically like i know shit. haha. well counting today ive got 6 more days of classes! then on into the great abyss. maybe everyone reading this can cheer me up from my outlooks of gloom and doom by getting me a Christmas present. Or, if youre just looking for a present for someone special, I suggest you go to etsy.com (buy american motherfuckers!) everything on this sight is handmade (or antique). They have a fabulous selection of really unique jewelry all of which i love haha i even found a necklace that looks quite similar to the one that belonged to Andrew Largeman's mother in Garden State. Anyways, just thought id do a little plug for that little treasure i found haha.

i got slammed in critique this morning. but whatever, six more days...

and we sang heerree we gooo again.

as an artist i find that you have to obsessed with something before you can make the magic happen. art comes out of your inability to put an idea or thing or person down. you work it in your head till your head cant handle it anymore and it comes out on paper or film or music or canvas.

and damn its beautiful.

i would say that at times over the past year and a half (or more) certain areas may or may not have been a mess, but now its time to make something beautiful of it.

as an artist i find i am fascinated by the weirdest things because i know the weirdest things will be what inspire me the best. one of these days im going to vomit a bunch of ideas out of my brain. im just waiting on my vomit.

here are things/people/shit im obsessed with right now, if i were you id just go with it and not ask questions:

_the studio 54 era
_resurrection ferns
_housewives (as always)
_chicago
_jordans cousin inglish
_chantal (nothing new there either)
_nighttime at sketch motels
_marta
_charleston
_kitsch fashion design
_screen printing
_and now aunt jemima

your wheels just turn down the road ahead.

well i made it through another thanksgiving alive. no one was too mean this year. every time i leave the state of alabama i long more than ever to be everything ive always wanted to be. i know its horrible, but many of my relatives represent the things i dont want to be (bored, stuck, ignorant, stuck in their ways, uninteresting, geez im an awful person) but it just motivates me to become their target even more. i like to think they are jealous of me and that is why they pick on me so much. it may or may not be true, but either way me being successful will only benefit me.

its official, ive been accepted to kennesaw after only 2.8 million phone calls. the plan is being set forth in motion and this is the real thing. so so scary. im already apartment hunting in athens and wondering how my new life will be and how everything is going to pan out long term. there are going to be plenty of bumps along the road just like any other road i could have taken, but i feel like this is a fresh start, like im starting college all over again in a new situation and as a different person.

perhaps when youre 18, confused and emotionally bruised you arent in a place to make life changing decisions. but as i send the emails and write the checks i pray that at 20, i am.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."

i just saw some guy out the window take a complete nose dive into a flower bed full of bark trying to catch his dog. im actually quite jealous of this guy because although he just made a complete ass of himself, he looks like he is having the time of his life. today i went through my itunes throwing out old stuff, organizing some things and making a cd for my trip home. 1979 came on and it was like it was foreign to me. i still knew the words and the different musical components of the whole thing, but that is a song associated with a different time and a different me than the one that resides today. some may say i listen to it out of nostalgia and longing for days gone by, but i see it more as a marker of how far ive come. moving away from the shame and the fear and the belittling of myself and seeking out the things i deserve and the things i want out of life. im not a source of entertainment, im a human. i dont want to be quiet anymore. i dont want to be locked up anymore and i will never be anyone's toy again.

each time you move on from something else you take all the other things youve moved on from in the past with you. i guess thats what they call baggage. but its all a learning experience, you never forget anything, you cant afford to. otherwise we'd all make the same mistakes over and over. and then we'd just be idiots. when i go home the same things that have been around will still be there, but i will not be there. at least the girl i once was will not be there.

ive got places to go.
shit to do.
and someone to love.
that is all : )

in other news every time i think i have seen every episode of americas next top model, it continues to surprise me. i get sucked in to another 378 hours of it. as much as i love the photography i really dont know how much more of that show i can stand right now. i can hear it coming from downstairs. maybe ill watch a dvd and work on Christmas presents instead.

im seriously considering taking an early leave of absence to gtfo of here.

lets talk about "on edge"

so ive surpassed the point of being a little concerned or anxiously anticipating, im at the point of worried sick right now. this is not going to be another check the mailbox entry, this is about my apartment. my room mate has decided to move out and now shes breathing down my neck about why we dont have someone to live here yet. i mean come on, yesterday you were living here and now today you decided youre not going to. i cant make it happen overnight. now shes talking about attorneys and contracts and money and logistics, and its just like i just want to get out of here.

thats it!

and ill do what i need to do to make that happen, but i cant work miracles. i cant get everything organized on index cards within the next hour. sometimes you have to wait. i should have never come here in the first place. to tennessee or to this apartment. i should have known better.

but honestly im at peace about whats happened. in truth i dont feel the way i just described. obviously it would make a lot of things easier, but sometimes in life you have to make "mistakes" to get to where you need to be. so like i said, im at peace with what ive done. i just wish she wouldnt make me feel like shit for it, no one else has.

i suppose i need to be a little more understanding. ive put her in a tough spot.

off to another weekend in absolute solitude.

mellon collie and the infinite madness.

this is what comes up every time i go to check on the status of my applications. really. you guys are just so cute i just cant even stand it. i might even piss my pants in my exultation of exactly how cute you all are. i know i know, its only been two weeks and not even a week for kennesaw. give them some time, you say.

to you i say stfu.

because i know exactly how this is all gonna go down. and now, you are at a great privilege because im going to tell you exactly in great detail how its going to go down.

the people at perimeter are most likely alum of perimeter, since after graduation the students realized they had no hopes or ambitions which i why they went there in the first place. now they have settled into an office job at the school since they were already going there everyday (suuuweeeeeeet), but dont really know what theyre doing. they spend most days covering themselves with sticky notes and making paper clip necklaces. when i call to yell at them every day about how they havent sent my transcript to kennesaw, they dont pick up the phone. they may not know what they are supposed to do when a phone rings. perhaps they think the phone ringing is some kind of bird chirping out the window. a bird native only to the georgia perimeter campus. they admire the lovely sounds of gpc fauna and then continue in their efforts to make the longest paper clip chain ever. meanwhile i record another bitchy voicemail which will never be heard because, lets face it, if they dont know how to pick up the phone we're not even going to get into their voicemail abilities, or more likely inabilities.

as far as kennesaw is concerned, since ive never attended there, i have exactly 283,982,583,127 documents to send them before they will even consider looking at my application. these documents include things like: college transcripts, sat scores, shot records, birth certificate, complete physical exam including a full out colonoscopy and std screening (cant have gonorrhea on this campus, no sir), a digital photograph of my most prized possession so they can take it away from me, my first born that i dont have yet, all my credit card numbers so identity theft will be quicker and easier, my left kidney sealed in a 10x13" manila envelope, a gift certificate to tgi fridays for their efforts and of course my soul.

so i send them all this shit, and of course they dont get it. im gonna blame problem numero uno on gpc for not sending my transcript from there (see paragraph one of my ranting argument. in case you forgot heres a synopsis: they dont know how to send things in the mail, so they dont). aside from that im not quite sure what the problem is. i paid to have everything sent and the amount of time given was ample for everything to arrive in time. i called ut bursars office to make sure they had sent the transcript from here to there. the lady was oh so helpful, once again the kind of helpful you might just piss you pants over. she divulged a brilliant piece of information to me. when i asked why the transcripts from ut hadnt arrived at ksu, she said that remarkably, when the transcripts arrive at ksu, they do not just fall on someones desk, they in fact are placed in a mailbox which some unfortunate soul must walk to to get the mail everyday. said mailbox could be miles away from the office. it might even be an uphill climb to get there. in the snow! holy shit lady, i had no idea people had to go to such taxing efforts to receive mail. i even feel sorry for them, that every day someone has to check the mailbox, ive never heard of such cruel occurrences. i can only hope that at least some of my $50 application fee will go towards physical therapy for the unfortunate individual who has to walk probably ten feet from their desk to retrieve my lost paperwork. maybe im the selfish one here.

this entry will get me nowhere. it will not get me into college and it will not make anyone pick up the phone or check the mail. in fact it will probably give me bad karma for saying such bad things about the colleges. bad karma will hunt me down like one of the dudes that have been mugging everyone on campus at night. in fact before the bad karma finds me i probably will be mugged on campus. then after i am mugged bad karma will come say hello. i will end up finding someone to sublease here just before i get all the letters with frowny faces all over them saying "sorry we didnt get the mail the day you sent your shit!" or "oops, whats a college application?" so then i will be not only schoolless but homeless. there are plenty of homeless people here in knoxville, i am sure i can join them. at this point even if kennesaw did visit the mailbox or perimeter realized they had a class of zero because they forgot to accept anyone, i would never know. with no mailing address its hard to receive acceptance letters.

and even if i had a mailbox, theres that whole issue of having to walk to it.

holy shit!

its the magic bullet!

its eight in the morning and i dont feel like leaving for class yet so this is what i am doing: watching the magic bullet commercial. Im sorry but why do we as americans feel the need to buy a device that is supposed to cook any and everything? something about an appliance that can make chicken salad, cake batter and a strawberry daiquiri in the same container is a little troubling to me personally.

fourteen more days of classes. i know its really going to speed up after this weekend, and after that ill wish i had never wished all that work on myself, but im just ready to get this thing rolling. i cant believe all the christmas stuff is already going on. i turned on the radio the other day and since i dont know any of the stations here it was already on this station playing christmas music. im sure if i step foot in the mall there will be red and green everywhere. i love the christmas season, especially the decorations and all the get togethers and getting people gifts and such, but its all become so commercial. i watch every thanksgiving as my aunts corner me in my grandmother's living room and accost me about what id like for christmas. im toast until i give what color size and edition i want and even then they still bother me for more answers. they make organized lists of what everyone wants and where you can get it for the cheapest price and then they divvy up whos going to get what for whom. i just feel like thats not how christmas should be. i suppose by obligation and heredity your relatives have to get you something, but my relatives see me maybe twice a year if that. they have no concept of who i am. i feel like the whole holiday gift giving thing has lost most of its purpose; the gift giving has become an obligation, not a gift in and of itself.

besides, half the time they dont even get me what i ask for. geez at least give a gift card then.

ugh im kinda tired of writing, between three peer reviews a revision of a short story a graphic design article about a giraffe getting lost at new york fashion week and beginning my longer story.

with two stories set in nyc ive probably looked at a map of new york city more than an eager tourist hoping to see times square.

well i have all weekend to get it done. at this point im cutting my losses on my social life. ill spend this weekend by myself in my apartment doing homework. all of my real friends will be gone to a wedding this weekend and its too late to start trying for friends now.

home sounds good.

moving on.

with 16 more days of class left to go, this is all becoming a real possibility. This weekend as I roamed the streets of downtown athens arm in arm with robyn it hit me that this could be my town someday in the not so distant future. i know its stupid because i have no reason to be scared, but its like the further i get into college the more impact my decisions will have. the stakes just get higher. what if i mess it up. ughh dont do the whole what if thing, theres a million of those out there. this weekend was wonderful, being reunited with all of my friends and realizing that we can still joke about the exact same things still and laugh just as hard, it was a good feeling. laughing in general was a good feeling.

this weekend was great, but its all just so surreal.

18.5 more...

...days of classes.

i dont know how much longer i can take this. my brain has been stretched creatively beyond its maximum capacity. all of my classes except for art history require me to be constantly thinking and developing my ideas. this can wear on you after awhile. i feel like i never really get rest or sleep from it all because im always having to think about something and somehow its never any fun.

meanwhile i sit on my college websites on an almost hourly basis checking my admission status as if somehow its going to magically change right before my very eyes. im so scared somethings going to happen and i wont get in and ill be stuck here and be right back in that hole that for the past month ive finally felt like there might be a way out of it. its a big gamble and im not a gambler.

continuing on with the random topics for today, i spent last evening in katies living room with the few pbp girls that i like. i felt like i was really connected to them for the first time last night, like for once i was apart of their universe. we talked about something other than whats prim and proper and whats surface skimming. we talked about sex and everyones first time. it reminded me of this book one of the gd students did last year at the design competition that included various stories of different womens first experiences, it was interesting and i plan on copying it someday. its funny how so many people can connect by how stupid they were or how hurt theyve been. its so easy for girls to be pushovers, to put improper blame on themselves, to try to fix things in ways they shouldnt. sometimes it works ok and sometimes it doesnt.

before i head off to art history i would like to thank drew from Ithaca for his kind words on the last entry. ive noticed your comings and goings over the past year, but assumed as i usually do that it was some scary internet person. im glad you've randomly found yourself here and not on one of the many blogger blogs in espanol, which is what happens to me every time i click view random blog. though it is sketchy in some respects, it is nice to know that some strangers do find what i say entertaining enough to continue reading.

if anyone gets bored this afternoon you should read the short story "the ones who walk away from omelas" it is only a few pages long in print and though the first part is a little wordy and spastic it is absolutely delicious. it can be found here: http://harelbarzilai.org/words/omelas.txt

im off to shove more information up my ass.toodles.

daylight savings time.

this weekend, we went back in time. it was only for a small hour, but for that small hour time stopped and took a step back for us. it gave us just enough time. we were little kids tromping through the forest, little kids making a mess in the kitchen baking cookies, little kids in the party room at mr. gatti's, little kids wide-eyed in amazement at all the hillbilly sites of gaitlinburg, little kids perusing the clearance halloween candy, little kids tromping through a field and sundown. for a small hour i forgot about the status of my college applications, the wrinkles around my eyes, my rent check due tomorrow, my art history test on thursday, the wax that now covers my dresser front, my fears about being successful in the future. for a small hour time went back for us.

just what i needed.

im supposed to be doing anything else right now...

...including writing something for english, though im not sure what.

i cant lift my arm up from my flu shot and ive been eating the chocolate chips i bought to go in cookies all afternoon because dammit its halloween and i want to. this week has beyond stressful with my printmaking project and homecoming which involved spending five straight hours on monday and six straight hours on tuesday at a fraternity house, which you all know is exactly where i want to be every day all the time. but the weight is surely being lifted (only to be put back on on sunday afternoon for sure), but i can be blinded for a few days and pretend like everything's easy peezy.

this weekend should be awesome. i really need a break. and i dont just mean a few days sans school work, i mean a real break. because for me the typical weekend here consists of me attending an awkward party or otherwise social gathering where i make friends with the wall and then the rest of the time is spent crying in sporadic boughts of depression and doing homework. this weekend will actually be relaxing. the little sleep i do get will be guaranteed to be good and i will have company to enjoy everything with. we are going on a motherfucking picnic.

photos to come later.

check...mate

i think if nothing else friends serve to keep you from: a. believing you are crazy b. going through with crazy/destructive plans of action.

i might be crazy.
like maybe i should see a doctor or something.
i might be crazy or i might be female.
its hard to tell the difference.
or maybe im like a crazy female squared or something like that.

i dont know who this person is, he sounds quite uneducated, but he is a noted fashion photographer and im a believer:


"these are everything i did for the last 8years, and i realized its a long(*)road( not so hard and painful if you are passionate about photography and have some nice pictures sometime) .

make sure you have enough to pay your rent and food, or get your frineds and families to pay for it …. just for a while and dont piss them off, they are a life saver…

and keep on shooting and no retirement plans. ”

said not so eloquently, but i appreciate it nonetheless. i think theres something to be said about being ambitious and seeking what you are after. i think its a great idea to learn all you can and get connected all you can, but maybe im overlooking the biggest point, maybe in our haste to get the best college education we can we've all overlooked the biggest point: sometimes it takes a dose of life to learn anything.

i could have attended a pretentious art school. i could run off to new york and work with haughty snotty bitchy fashion people. i could. maybe one day i will. but i dont think it has to be so black and white. maybe if i got my ass out of this apartment and into a life that doesnt involve books and deadlines and resumes and interviews and anxiety, maybe i might actually learn something from my college experience.

perhaps if you expend all of your energy climbing up the ladder, if and if you make it, its quite possible you will have no idea what the hell youre doing when you get to the top.

in my small file of greatest compliments ever received there is one from an alcoholic russian man given to me in a buckhead life restaurant this summer, "i picked you because you have drive, i can see it in your eyes."

no company or internship or trip or other person can give that to me. no company or internship or trip or other person can take that away from me. its one of the few things that truly belongs to me and only me and i get to do with it what i want to.

here we are at the brink of another weekend. another weekend in which i will surely face boughts of depression due to boredom and aforementioned mild insanity which i am currently learning to cope with. i hope that this weekend, no matter where in the world you are, my friends, that you will take a deep breath and breathe it all in.

this is life.
the view is not always pretty.
but theres always something to see.