i realized last night that i dont really want to sit in a desk in atlanta all summer. fight traffic just to go home and do it again. i also realized for the first time that my mom doesnt want me to want that either.
maybe living vicariously through your kids isnt always such a bad thing.
i have plenty of reading to be doing which is why im sitting here writing instead. the above is something ive been working on. (apologies for the shitty color conversions and condensing) talking to jordan the other day made me realize that it is far too early to be giving up on myself, and if indeed i am going to give up on myself then i probably shouldnt spend yet another semester chasing a dream if i dont have one. so im flexing my creative muscles a bit, trying to center myself once again in hopes that something good may come from it. i keep telling myself that i hate graphic design, but working on this project as well as my recent redesigned logo and branding for my photography has made me realize i just hate being in school for graphic design. they really are two completely different things.
im beginning to get the feeling that my competitive drive leaves me somewhat misunderstood with those around me. people tell me all the time they are jealous that i know what i want to do with my life, or at least have a pretty solid idea. believe me, its nothing to envy because once you know what you want to do, then you end up spending all the time others are spending trying out new things and figuring themselves out chasing your dream. im not sure i have it in me to spend the rest of my life in a cubicle (nothing against cubicles, theyre just so confining, and dont generally have a nice view), by the same token i dont want to spend the rest of my life in a box on the street (also confining, possibly better view--just depends on where you place your box i suppose). my completely virgo-esque psychotic obsessive perfectionist way of remedying the pull between the two is to claw at this like nobody's business. that is probably the part people dont understand. i wake up in the morning thinking about these things, planning, thinking of ways to make myself, my skills, my mind better conditioned for what i want to do. im guessing about 99.9999% of people dont take it this far. they dont understand because they dont think this way. they are extremely lucky and probably sleep better at night.
my parents just didnt raise me like that.
but it doesnt matter. its not about my parents, its about me and my future. when (and dammit if) i graduate, i want to look forward to everything ahead of me, not just some things but everything. because if i have to get up every morning and go to a job i hate knowing that its leading nowhere i will kick myself EVERYDAY for not doing EVERYTHING i could to make things different.
so that is why i spend most weekends in hotel conference rooms and country club ballrooms.
thats why im not around physically (or mentally) much of the time.
thats why i act like a fifty year old managing my own psuedo-business out of my college apartment.
thats why i worry about getting into school.
thats why i worry about money.
that eighteen year old girl, the one who wanted to live in new york city and work for vogue and take over the world with her camera and her art and her psuedo-bohemian ideals
shes still here.
she might be different and changed and maybe not think all of the same things or see the world in quite the same perspective, but shes still here, fighting for what belongs to her.
thats why.
You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed
So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night
I'm about to watch the second presidential debate.
i wonder if i should even bother.
i suppose its a better option than studying for my geography midterm.
i speak in such a tone not because i feel that politics are futile, ive registered to vote, ive sent in my absentee ballot. when i receive it, i'll mark it with my choices via check mark or bubbled scantron or chads of whatever the hell they do now.
does it really matter though?
im not questioning democracy or the right of the individual to vote and the power of that individual vote, as i stated before, i will be voting in this election.
but do our actions really do anything to ward off the inevitable?
are we living in the end times?
like it or not i was born and raised and born again a Southern Baptist. while in my latter youth i have adopted a more moderate perspective on religion, i still uphold many of the things ive believed all my life. and believe me, us Baptists love all that fire and brimstone and shit.
i dont get into religion much here because i know there are people out there reading this. not that it should matter, but i know its a controversial topic, and i dont want anyone passing judgment.
but really though, are we living in the end times?
all signs point to yes, just google it.
but by the same token, look back at history. depending on your interpretations of the text all signs could point to yes at almost any given time.
but hearing about russia and the economic crisis and the gas crisis and north korea and the congo and nuclear warfare and terrorism...well its just not quite so settling for the soul.
at the end of the day no one knows when the end of the world will be, or how it will go down, or perhaps if it will even occur at all, though most scholars and scientists agree that at some point some serious shit is gonna fly. the thought is far too much to handle for me. i like to believe that i will see the day i graduate college (though it appears to be sliding further and further from my grasp), the day i get married, have children, retire. i like to think that the work i am doing to day is in order to better myself in the future. i like to think its not all in vain.
i guess thats what suicide bombers think too.
so perhaps im being ignorant for turning the other cheek when it comes to some of these issues. perhaps that makes me unamerican. but i sleep at night. for someone with as much anxiety as i have its a valid enough excuse. global issues are important, politics are important, this election is of utmost importance, but i cant live my life in fear...for who knows how much longer any of us have to do so.
Ahoy there, I'm supposed to be studying for the midterm I have today so that I can go take it, go to a review session for the one I have tomorrow, and do it all over again! School and I don't mix so well these days, I honestly believe I expended all my academic energies in high school. I'm out of steam folks. No but really, I can't focus for anything, I'd really just rather be taking or retouching pictures i suppose. My adviser politely reminded me that I have two and a half years left here....ugh dont remind me about how im going to be here alone for a year. what am i going to do? better still, wtf are my friends going to be doing? theyll be out in the real world and such, a scary thought for sure, one i cant quite get my head around yet...so i wont.
even though its only midway through the semester, spring semester is already weighing heavily on my mind. if i dont make it into my program i could be here for three years or more trying to figure out what to do next. i have no backup plan, my backup plan is to not screw it up in the first place. perusing christian(who is now in the program at ut as if there was ever any doubt)'s blog, i thought a little bit about him and who i remember him to be. obviously he is extremely good at what he does, but other than natural talent, what makes him that way? can i break me off a piece of that for meself? we're working on this drawing now, and we've got to inject some meaning into it. im thinking back to my design classes and ut and having to make statements about politics or society or personal convictions. im thinking to my own photographic work, fallen by the wayside of weddings and cookie cutter work. and then its all clear to me what christian has that i dont, and perhaps the greatest thing that separates me from two and a half years, to three plus: i dont care about anything. ok, to be fair i do care about some things, but i dont have convictions, view points, i dont have something i want to tell the world about, im not trying to shed light on something people didnt realize or at least ignored before. and if there is one thing school has taught me a million times over, it is that the function of the artist is to bring to light something that needs to be seen and heard, to question ideas, to come up with new ones, to challenge conventions (or sometimes play into them) to prove a point?
do i have a point?
i know ive got something there inside me, i may not be a genius, but surely theres something other than apathy running around in my brain. what do i care about other than passing my classes and not screwing up relationships with those around me?
perhaps this is truly the first step in the artistic process. save your pencils and paper for later.
is it because i am a cultural idiot? how does one become cultured anyway? is it as simple as listening to npr constantly and reading nietzsche and then you can call it done? how do people learn all this stuff?
it appears ive got to find something to believe in and then go from there. and i guess that starts with me not caring so much about what people think about what i think.
i think this weekend i'll find my old little moleskine and start writing again.
in other news, i spent the better part of last weekend inundated with projects that didnt belong to me. frustrated with having to copy copyrighted images and creating logos that graphically didn't make sense i became angry with myself for allowing these things to be placed upon me. making new friends has been difficult because most girls are bitches and few care. the whole thing is quite frustrating. however the other day in the midst of my frustrations, I realized that I have a great example of how to be right in front of me: my boyfriend. i dont know anyone who doesnt like him. hes one of the kindest hearted people i know, and at the end of the day, people do appreciated his kindness and recognize it. he would give you the shirt off his back if he knew it would do something to help, and he doesnt think twice about it. perhaps it is not important to make bold statements of purpose or charm crowds with my extreme wit or knowledge.
maybe i need to just take a hint from someone right in front of me and just be nice. karma pays its way eventually right? i think so.
thats all the rantings and poorly punctuated sentences for today. im feeling so completely uninspired by my music collection lately that ive stopped listening altogether...suggestions are more than welcome : )
toodles
just so you know my lack of entries lately is completely due to the fact that i have not stood still for more than about five seconds, which generally isn't long enough to create blog entries, especially if youre as long winded as i am.
so while my wedding images are batch processing i'll finally sit down and collect my thoughts.
the past two weekends have consisted of constant travel and movement that has left me with some awesome memories, but completely exhausted.
returning to knoxville was a surreal experience, i knew it would be. seeing the haunts and dives i frequented now some nine months later gave me a feeling i can't quite describe. i'm not sure if I just believed that these things disappeared after i did or what. ultimately i feel that my relationship with knoxville is somewhat of an unfinished life. part of me is still there wondering how things would have played out if i had stuck it out. part of me is still there going to art classes and maybe part of me is still there, never really moving forward, just replaying and reliving the memories i have there on repeat over and over again.
the difference is that im not there anymore, there are new things i don't recognize, names of streets and buildings whose names, even after such a short time, i have forgotten. sloan has a new apartment now, its in a neighborhood i never knew existed until now, it's foreign to me.
all that made me realize that knoxville isn't what it is in my mind in reality. the memory of knoxville for what it was to me stays the same, save the pieces that fall away from my memory with time. the reality is it is a real city, with changing people, places and things. my life is different now, and in various ways so is everyone else's. it doesn't mean we are now strangers to one another, it just means we are living beings: we pack up, we move on, we deal with things as they come and that usually means making some changes. theres nothing wrong with it.
most people would probably think that i hate knoxville because of my experiences there. they think that now since im enjoying uga i am automatically a hardcore bulldog. what they dont know is all the good things that happened while i was there, all the good experiences i had. i wont even go into detail here because perhaps some of them are so small and "unimportant" no one else could possibly understand. perhaps more than anything, knoxville wasnt about what i did there, it was about what i became from being there.
thats my knoxville. the naive scared girl in a city she didnt know trying to figure herself and everyone else in the world out. running around the Old City like Mary Tyler Moore singing "you're gonna make it after all". attending intaligo classes and jogging by the river. everyone has their knoxville. that place and time that lives on within them, an endless continuum that despite its flaws lies perfect in their mind because it is remembered not for what happened, but what it was.
this time last year:
"twenty is a scary number, but i think im so caught up in everything else im feeling right now i really cant be upset about anything else. the strong realization that im growing up with surely hit me eventually. twenty is scary but twenty one is fun. i hope that twenty one treats me a little better. but until then all I can hope for another wonderful year on Gods green earth."what a difference a year makes, and i can't even believe its been a year. my life this past year has been such a blur of things not worth remembering, and things i'd rather forget that i cant believe its already come and gone.
fall is coming, i can feel it. it might be a colder winter than normal if it's already cooling off. my birthday is soon, 21 is old. i love special occasions like this, particularly birthdays just because it's the one day of the year where you get to be completely selfish. however, as per usual something that should be fun has turned into something else for me to be utterly stressed over. i wish i could just turn my mind off like everyone else seems to be able to do. i wish i had my priorities in line. it's obvious i don't. that and my birthday is falling at like the worst time ever.
ive got to finish this drawing soon, but dear God, a 36x48 picture of myself? even i feel thats a bit narcissistic, and I'm the one presently typing out my woes and minute thoughts and feelings to an online audience that probably doesn't care. i just need to do it, get it done. that and that stupid geography lab that doesn't make sense to me. i need to get organized as per usual.
where do people find motivation to do all these things? to keep trying when its not working, to go through the every day, to adapt? do you all just take drugs or something? i'm not really into drugs and such, i'll have to find my own way. but how do you pick yourself up of the ground, and stop thinking about it and start doing it?
i just dont think im cut out for college.
it must just be me.
thats my new theorem.
but if it is me, then it must not be here, and it must not be there. it is me.
which means changes in tides come from changes within.
not of place but of me.
my experience is proportional to my willingness to receive it.
therefore:
this gets good iff (sic) i let it.
i wish i didnt feel so paralyzed all the time. why do i feel this way when ive really never been freer in my life? ive fallen into a place where i feel like i dont have much to offer other people, besides perhaps wedding photography packages. but ive got to find some good in myself. i dont even really know what its going to be, but surely God has blessed me with some other assets besides photography skills, flaming hair and intermediate-level baking skills, surely right? if i let this stay, it only gets worse, i already know this.
how is it that i just got here and ive already got to start thinking about next semester, and the next semester and the rest of my life? don't you think this is all a little quick for a person? i hate the fact that in this area i am not allowed to choose my own destiny. this means giving up control. i dont like that. somehow the rest of my career is dictated by what someone else thinks of me and my work. believe me, if you had to do this, youd be freaking out too. i just dont understand why one of the least practical, lowest salary-making and least prestigious of all majors on campus is also probably one of the most pretentious and haughty. its like the art program knows it has a small dick so it just makes up for it by being a complete ass to everyone to make itself feel better.
i probably shouldnt say that about my institute of higher education.
i dont really want to go to drawing right now. hopefully we will draw the whole time, but i doubt we will. i just cant stand sitting through hours of critique, perhaps its because im insecure myself.
to do list:
grocery shopping
buy a plane ticket
clean the apartment
figure out what im doing with my life
so people have been asking me, did i survive my first week in athens?
suffices to say that i did indeed. despite missing every bus i needed to be on, the runaround with the book store, the horrible self portrait im hopefully going to finish tomorrow (obviously ink is not my medium), a scary doctors appointment, and scoping out all the much more beautiful girls downtown on friday and feeling the ever-pressing need to go shopping, lose weight and plastic surgerize myself until i look like someone else, i am still alive.
and all in all it has been pretty good. i think my classes are manageable and im happy with my living situation. if i could just curb these chocolate cravings without satiating them, id be good to go.
being here is just...easier. perhaps easier is wrong, perhaps easier means lazy or unresponsive to challenges. the way i see it, theres not much sense in putting yourself through hell if you dont have to.
im stronger for my experiences, now its time for a break.
i had a wonderful weekend. i worked on my drawings, did a little, but not too much, homework. went out and listened to music with some of my friends, and spend saturday evening eating tapas and passing out early with jordan. i have a feeling this is supposed to be more what college is about. this is what ive been missing.
meanwhile, ive been thinking hard about what comes next for me. its time i produced some personal work, so im wracking my brain trying to come up with something cohesive. id like to produce some gallery quality work sometime soon. maybe even get it up in a gallery somewhere around here. im finally starting to feel like things like this are not an impossible dream.
its nice.
ps. my first announcement to the world of my latest venture, a photography blog. i have already signed on to shoot a web designer's wedding in january, so i should have a real working awesome website in a few months. this photo blog will be attached to the website, so consider it a business, rather than a personal, venture. excuse the corny entries, as i said, its a business site therefore it is much more grammatically and politically correct than this internet insanity here. lmk what you think. for your consideration: my photo blog
This whole going to school thing five days a week kinda sucks haha. Or perhaps its just that pretty much all of my classes don't interest me. I get asked if I'm a freshman all the time because I'm constantly looking at my bus map. I'm sure one day I'll appreciate this blunder of others thinking I am younger than I am. Not today though. I get much more sleep now. At least eight hours every night. I wake up early because my body cant sleep anymore and the bags under my eyes that have been there for what seems like forever are gone. I crave chocolate all the time. I see people I know around from high school and its always awkward unless i really know them. Some guy yelled at me at walmart for wearing a ut hat. i come home from class to my "office" and work on stuff for clients, ive become a productive little mother fucker. my roomates probably think im a hermit. i probably am. as the weekend approaches i get that same anxious feeling i used to get in tennessee. that what the fuck am i going to do with myself for two point five days feeling. i have no desire to wander through some random person's house party in order to make contacts here.
im probably just being too cynical. its what i do best.
Well I am here. Tomorrow is the first day of class and I just wanted to write a bit to document all this. So far is has been good, if nothing else I've had peers around which is a change for me. A little boring. I think I need to get used to the college life again. Everything up until now has been going going going until you can't anymore, I'm not accustomed to this slowness, makes me feel a little lazy even. I wish I could just push all my anxieties aside. Not just the ones about being here or starting anew, I'm talking about everything. I have a phone interview with a groom in ten minutes and with that and everything else that is going on I'm starting to feel that claustrophobic feeling.
I can do this. All of it.
Let me just start by saying that Michael Phelps is awesome, and I have felt this way longer than most adoring "Phelps Phans." I love the Olympics, the idea is fascinating to me. To think that the whole world is coming together for a few weeks to share these moments is just such an interesting concept. At the same time it's a little scary, I've always found any sort of globalization a little unnerving. Perhaps I'm too much of a fundamentalist, but to have so many people from so many different nations together in one place seems like a volatile situation. I visited one of my favorite pastimes the other night and wikipedia'd the Olympics. Somewhere along the way via links here and there I found myself reading articles about the Unibomber and the apocalypse and gray goo and black holes. Interesting connections, I'd say.
I have spent the past few weeks being very happy and enjoying not working, but being extremely exhausted and sometimes even overwhelmed with everything that's going on. The moving/transferring process has proved to be stressful of course, but stress isn't always such a bad thing.
Ultimately, I am just ready to move on. I am ready to stop talking so much and start actually doing. I am ready to start fulfilling the promises I made to myself and I'm ready to enjoy myself without so much worry. This has been an interesting year to say the least, but I don't think I would really change anything. Sure, I could switch things around such that they were easier for me, or so that I didn't have to go through difficult situations, or live a somewhat different life than my peers for awhile, but those things all made me stronger. Everything has taught me something and everything has played some kind of important role. I overcame big emotional barriers, I attended commuter college, I lived at home with no peers around, I worked and went to school and that was about it, I moved back in with my parents, I'm still alive haha. These are all things I can add to the repertoire of my experiences. I feel that the larger collection of experiences you have, the better off you are. Did you really think I was going to take the conventional route to get where I needed to be anyway? If so, you must not know me very well. Perhaps for me that was the conventional route, perhaps it's just my nature to be a bit of a wanderer.
I'm okay with it, that's the first step.
carry on my wayward son
there'll be peace when you are done
lay your weary head to rest
don't you cry no more.
hell yes i just quoted a late seventies classic rock song that may or may not even be a good song, i'm not sure haha. i enjoy listening to the music of my parents' time, i think its interesting to see what is and what is not able to transcend the generations, it makes me feel like i have something greater in common with them, it is an unspoken presence of sorts.
im writing tonight because i just kind of need a quiet place to sit and sort out my thoughts. things have been very busy andn stressful lately. im sure theyll continue to be busy, but hopefully the stressful part will subside a bit. this is one of the first years i can say i am genuinely 100% excited for school, real school. not community college commuting weirdness. real college again. im not scared or concerned about anything anymore. im just going. i dont really have time for all the bullshit of that stuff. the truth is im absolutely completely exhausted. in the past year ive experienced and overcome what i would classify as depression. ive made some big changes coming home, and then i worked myself to death.
its no one's fault, its what i wanted, but i am literally exhausted.
perhaps im being selfish or over dramatic or however you want to classify it, but i feel like i deserve this. this time to be with friends and make new ones and enjoy my days, and study what i love and just not have to care about anything too serious. maybe im wrong, but i just feel like its belongs to me at this point, like somehow ive earned that badge of honor.
i read an article about lucky people. apparently theyre not lucky at all. they just have a much better outlook than i do.
so im going to try. its going to be tough, but i hope to look at things in a more positive light. not freak out until something is actually currently presently happening that is worth freaking out over, and to take things one day at a time. read a book or two. go back to the basics. stop spending so much f*cking time on facebook. start swimming again. start this film stills project that has been banging around in my head for years and is finally manifesting itself into some coherent ideas. stop with these bodacious eating habits that sit somewhere between a slight case of anorexia and bulimia minus the vomiting and the laxatives. get some sleep. there are so many things i want to do, and there is no time like the present. now all i have to do is truly convince myself of these things, and even more so live them out.
oh john mayer, i question your sense of judgment and character and i have no idea who you are, but youll always have a special place in my heart. i flipped through our sophomore yearbook at robyns tonight, and what a truly strange experience it was. funny how much has changed in the two years since i last saw many of the faces scattered across those pages. listening to john and looking through the book brought back so many memories. its funny whats forgotten and whats remembered about certain places and times, and its interesting to see what you can get back in fleeting moments like tonight. now i cant tell you what i remembered, for ive already forgotten it, but just for a second i was there wherever there is. i dont like being the dweller that i often am, but sometimes it is a necessary vantage point to see how far youve come.
we've come a long way baby.
for the past 2 years, ive been waiting. waiting to start a new life, waiting for visits home, waiting for something to change, waiting for someone to reach out, waiting for resolution, waiting to become my own person, then waiting for the depression to fall, then waiting to get the hell out of dodge, then waiting for a job, then waiting for release and now waiting to get the hell out of dodge again.
all this waiting is enough to make a girl go nuts. all this sitting still and thinking; well theres a lot going through my mind.
im starting to feel the warmth rising through my chest. the gulp i cant keep down, an uneasiness that you cant resist because after the disgust comes the relief of knowing youve let everything out.
this is the creative vomit i once spoke of here.
i have ideas, and i just might be ready to create again.
i'm sleepy! just wanted to share some photos before i delete them off my computer. tonight, i'm doing something scary...going on the other side of the lens! i used to love being in front of the camera, like i was some damn supermodel or something, now the prospect is scary and uncomfortable. i think its that whole high school mentality, thinking that you're super hot shit and that youre going to take over the world. two years later, i now realize i am neither hot shit nor taking over the world, but i can still be happy. in time i have learned some very important things. when i got out of high school, i had dreams of becoming this celebrity photographer who traveled all over the world, perhaps guest judged on ANTM and had pieces in the permanent collection at MoMA. im a hard worker, and when i see something i want, i become obsessed with making it work until i have it just as i hoped for it. the problem was, in all this hoping and trying and struggling, i lost the fun of it all. in my desperate plight to make something of myself it all became so much work and stress that wasnt even necessary. and if that is all the case, what exactly is the point? the thought of having to struggle my way through new york city carrying shit down the streets and becoming the receptical of someone elses frustrations and complaints in order to make barely enough money to live off of while financing $30,000 cameras and $10,000 lights...i dont know, perhaps its just not me.
i wonder sometimes if it was never really a battle to do anything or have any particular profession as it was to make myself do whatever i could to not have just a normal or average life.
that part hasnt faded. i still dont want a normal life. but now, its more about being happy than anything else. enjoying the ride and being satisfied. its not about giving up dreams or dealing with the "reality" of life, its adapting to yourself and your surroundings. its knowing what your capable of and who you are. ill deal with the rest later, i just want to have fun now.
ps: i so want to be this girl
weddings and fashion in NYC? hello dream job!
this part of summer always seems to be the scary part. the daunting part no one is really sure what to do with. the awkward part where its not fresh and new, but its not quite over. i've always dreaded this part of summer. the long days and night of heat and humidity and not much else, but this year is different, this year im so excited to be to this part.
only two weeks left at the the envy, and then i'm free at last. free from sitting behind a desk all day and dealing with angry customers. ive got a few trips planned, and my friends from ut are coming to visit. and for the first time in a long time, going back to school doesnt scare me.
perhaps im finally ready this time.
this whole process has been a great lesson. a lesson in dealing with other people. a lesson in when to be selfish and when to give yourself up. a lesson in what you need and what you dont need. a lesson in who you need and who you dont need. i feel like in my college experience of living with others outside of my family, i have seen how different people live their lives, and its a realization that not everyone approaches things in exactly the same way. it just goes to show me, that these lessons i have learned, i learned them via the best process for me. perhaps not the most efficient process, or the most conventional, or the prettiest, but this was my personal way of handling what i knew i ultimately had to do. and in my mind, theres nothing wrong with taking the best road for you.
so when i do get to school, it will be different, i will approach things differently with a different attitude. but knowing who and what i need in my life, i will do this on my own terms now. it's my turn.
i have worked tirelessly and hard for what i have, now is no time to give up, but this time around im enjoying myself. life is far too short.
I should be getting ready for work right now. I'm working 35 hours this week at my PART TIME job haha. Not really part time if you ask me. But it's ok, I will be happy to have the money in my pocket come next year. The past few weeks have been a completely exhausting mish mash of overbooked work schedules, crudely thrown dinner parties, and some good times in between. It's hotel angie time again, but this year has a different feel for it than the past two. Perhaps since I've lived on my own it's not really a big deal that I'm living alone for a bit again. Plus I've been so utterly busy with work I have no time to think about much of anything. With all the fray and the run around I still can't help but hope that one day I can steal a few hours of an afternoon or evening to myself with nothing to do, no plans, no obligations, no other people around and play a little bit. The kind of play where a paintbrush hits the paper or scissors, paper and glue become a masterpiece. Not done for money or assignment, but for myself. Gas prices are rising, war is happening, the election is a damn chicken fight, tomatoes are making people sick, cancer is on the rise with no cure in sight, death cab's album kinda sucked, and the economy continues to plummet downward, but I just can't deal with that today. The media loves to create chaos out of even the most mundane situations, and I kinda can't handle it anymore. You can call me ignorant for choosing to turn the other cheek, for refusing to play into this madness, but I'm tired of worrying myself sick over global issues that are largely out of my control. Maybe I am just a stupid American, but I'm young, and right now, I just want to play.
PS I dont think I want to be a commercial photographer anymore. If you're getting married let me know : )
im sitting in my room of an empty house watching this ridiculous 1966 movie entitled Lord Love a Duck. despite its outdatedness and slight cheesballocity im enjoying it. people tend to refer to the past as "simpler times" but i like to refer to it as a time of different interests. i doubt things were simpler then or more complicated now, but our interests have changed, or attitudes have changed, and perhaps our outlooks have changed, but that shouldn't mean all gloom and doom.
in recent times ive found myself finally realizing the fact that i am indeed alone at this time. its not the best of feelings believe me, in fact its been a little devastating. covering up my time and my feelings with extra pile ons of work doesnt really seem to remedy the situation. ive come to realize i dont have as many people to talk to, really talk to, as i once did. this is hard for me seeing as to how i am a talker by nature.
i read this thing about virgos, which i am one, and even though i dont fully believe in astrology the traits assigned to my sign match up pretty well with how i really am. one trait virgos possess is indecisiveness. now of course the obvious translation of this is not being able to decide where to go for dinner, or spending forever in the dressing room, but it extends further then that. virgos have a tendency to make a decision, then instead of questioning the decision itself, they question themselves, their character, their personality instead. they search for flaws, diseases and mishaps. they wonder if things that went wrong are of their own fault instead of a circumstantial issue.
dead on astrologers, dead on.
so in an effort to avoid the inevitable, ive been immersing myself in work, tiring myself out till im sore and sleepy and cant go anymore. but theres only so much work to be done.
i cant watch the news anymore. i know a lot of people say that but i really cant. as big of a worrier as i am, i just cant handle it. these news organizations dont even make an effort to bring a positive light to anything, and its just too much to handle sometimes. i would like to think that ill live to be old enough to be married and have that kind of relationship and maybe have a child or two and live out my days before the glaciers melt and everyone dies and the asteroids set fire to the earth and gas prices soar to unfathomable places and world war three ensues. id like to think in my lifetime i can avoid all these things. watching the news doesnt help keep that outlook. so i just cant anymore.
amidst all the worry, the concern, the tears, the second thoughts, the fear and the feelings of being alone, i found myself at a wedding this past weekend. the perfect place for someone in my current state of mind haha. as the super duper professional that i am i found myself crying instead of photographing during the toasts. i dont even remember what the best man said, but apparently it hit me just right, or wrong i suppose. the bride and groom get up to take their second dance and all others are invited to the floor. amidst the young couples there is this one older couple. dancing the foxtrot. to jason mraz. im supposed to be clicking away but i am too entranced by this couple dancing in this old fashioned way to this very new fashioned song. the couple turns and i find the man facing me with this huge grin on his face and he is so happy. a dance from not simpler times, just different ones, but either way, its timeless. its a forever kind of dance. it was then that i was reminded that the beautiful and the good is all around, its just a matter of accepting it when it comes and recognizing it when its there.
im keeping the faith that ill be ok.
ps: orientation in athens on friday, if anyone wants to have lunch with a lonely awkward girl come to snelling at around 1130 or 12. if i know me ill be sitting alone haha
i cant believe its june already. ive been out of school for exactly one month and it sure doesnt feel like ive done much with that month. truth be told im getting kind of exhausted, i did it to myself though and i cant really complain. technically speaking i am holding four part time jobs right now and doing some other work on the side. i guess since im not doing earth-shattering things this summer like traveling abroad or bungy jumping off bridges or landing some sweet internship in nyc ive taken it upon myself to earn as much money as i feasibly can in this period of time and perhaps next year i can stop worrying about money for five seconds and enjoy myself a little bit. this the rest of this week is going to be a toughie: photoshoot early tomorrow morning lasting all day, then from there i go directly to reffing a swim meet until probably about 10pm. errands friday morning then work till 10pm. wake up at 630 saturday morning, shoot a wedding till five, relax at the lake that evening and be back in the city in time for work at noon on sunday.
no wonder i keep wanting a vacation haha.
i have a chronic issue with wanting to spread myself too thin and then complaining about it once it all kicks into gear, but the thing is sometimes being so busy is the closest thing i have to escaping from my problems. obviously it does create additional stress that may outweigh its other benefits, but when im really busy i dont have time to think about unrelated problems and i dont have as much time to worry. about unrelated things. i guess its my way of running away without running away.
probably not healthy.
i dont have time to worry about healthy today. maybe next week.
what a lovely memorial day weekend. i had assumed i would spend the bulk of it working and eating popcorn in my house by myself as i do on most weekends as of late, but instead i ditched work on a whim and headed east with a stranger to meet other strangers.
i need more of that in my life.
jordan burned me a cd and gave it to me and theres good stuff on it but based on some of the lyrics to the songs i cant help but feel like the songs were strategically chosen for me. trying to say something to me. maybe even taking a jab or two at me. i try to remember that jordan never pays attention to song lyrics anyway, and even if he did maybe hes right. take for instance this song by the scene aesthetic:
Please don't run from your problems
You can't keep running, there's no place to go
As you escape from your life
This house becomes hollow
And all we can do is just wait
Sit here and wait for this train to arrive
I've got my bags packed and I've said my goodbyes
Constantly giving into these moments
That just bring me down
Just bring me close enough to stay around, to stay around
Keeping to yourself is no way to live your life
You can't fight what's coming
And all that you can do is sit back and realize, we'll be there
Cause you keep waiting for someone to save you
Embrace you and take you away, far away
Take you so far from this place
im aware that i have a lot to work on and a lot to work out. believe me, im the one that feels it everyday. sometimes i look at myself and i do feel like im running from something. like consistent change will make things better, but im coming to terms with that not always being the case. but at the same time i feel like im not the only one who feels this way. its almost like at 19 or 20 we're all going through this almost second puberty, if you will. just like in the seventh grade when i was making futile attempts for hours in the bathroom to figure out how to deal with this damn curly hair ive been blessed with, we're all trying to figure out who we are and what direction we're headed and how we want our life to be and how we can avoid being too much like our parents. and really, is it even possible to find those things while standing still?
you tell me. i suppose its different for everyone. to each his own.
you call it running? i call it exploring.
im just tired of examining it and questioning everything and asking myself why im doing things and justifying everything to myself and to others. maybe im am running. but maybe running isnt always such a bad thing. i spent this weekend in a place i love listening to beach music, laying in the sun and conversing with people i can choose to never see again if i so desire. not once did i think about drama at work, about my schedule once i get back, about the balance on my bank account, about school, about the future past tuesday morning. maybe thats something i physically couldnt do here. everybody has their own way of coping. i like to fenangle in all arenas. sometimes it involves ice cream and sometimes it involves shopping and once in a blue moon it may involve some wine, and i guess sometimes it involves getting away.
i am a complete mess that alternates back and forth on a daily basis. why cant i just relax, let go, forget about it. why cant i just be what i want to be? why cant i just make up my mind? why cant i be proactive instead of sitting online all day?
the last year has had a sense of failure about it. and now i cant seem to pick myself back up after the fall. i needed the sense of escape the sense of starting over, but i dont have that anymore. it all just makes me wish i could just pick up and move somewhere. im tired of being here. im tired of thinking about all these things. im tired of dealing with the same problems and having the same arguments and thinking the same thoughts. this is all killing me from inside. no matter what i do im always hurting others or myself. i feel empty and meaningless. i have nothing to offer anymore. this is not normal, this is not fun. i just want everything to be better. i dont think ive ever felt as frustrated with myself as i do right now. i cant decide whether to stay or run. i guess thats what im doing now, playing dead.
i have always wanted to live on the beach.
one of the most important things to me is feeling like i have control over myself and an ability to choose my actions.
i want a dog really really bad.
i have a habit of finding a song i like and becoming infatuated with it to the point that i play it repeatedly in the car. i dont do this when others are around because im aware that it is extremely annoying.
while i would describe myself as an open book, i would say that in some aspects i am a very private person. sometimes i keep things to myself just for the sake of knowing that i have something that just belongs to me, even if it isnt that important or interesting.
i have an tendency to reward myself with things like food or shopping even when i really didnt do anything.
for someone my age i am abnormally driven and obsessed with the idea of pursuing what i love to do. i understand that most dont understand this and that is ok, just humor me.
i wish i were more artistic, and yes there is a difference between artistic and creative.
though ive always been mature for my age, ive reached a point where im fighting it to a certain extent. im not in a rush to do anything anymore, i think im finally realizing im young. 20 is waaay too young to do anything too permanent.
despite how it may appear when you see me at the dinner table, i do obsess about my weight.
i wish i was closer to God again.
im a very weak person.
i have problems showing my true feelings and probably put them aside too often. it makes me appear like i dont care when i really do. i become emotionally detached very easily, this has gotten me into trouble in the past.
one of my greatest goals in life has been to lead a life that is not only fulfilling, but also interesting. sometimes i do things simply because it sounds like it would make an interesting story.
sometimes i feel like the way i dress is just a facade as if through my appearance im trying to prove to others im creative.
i sometimes wish i had more spontaneity in my life.
i sometimes think im heartless.
one of the most important things to me in any kind of relationship is that the other person pushes you to be a better person. without this there is no point.
i am very selfish with my time even when i dont spend it wisely...like right now.
i dont understand why people always tell me i look like someone else, when its obvious the only similarity we share is our hair color (ie: "You look just like Lucille Ball!"...i dont look like Lucille Ball you prick we're just both redheads and you cant think of anything better to say right now) Also, i dont really understand why people tell me i look like Anne of Green Gables when that is a fictional character rendered by various illustrators on novel covers, not a real person.
i have spent and will continue to spend the rest of my life trying not to become like my grandmother, an agoraphobe who has allowed worry to take over her life. it is probably one of my greatest concerns (see: one of the most important things to me in any kinda of relationship...)
i would love to get a tattoo, but my own conscience has prevented it thus far.
im horrible at burning bridges because most of the time despite it all, i dont want to.
i wish i was a good dancer, like a GOOD dancer.
some people in similar situations complain, but i love my small boobs and pale skin.
i sometimes feel under-appreciated in my efforts by my friends, and i hate that i feel that way because it is selfish.
i come from a line of thought that you should never be satisfied with yourself and you should NEVER LET YOURSELF GET TOO COMFORTABLE.
i wish i werent so boring.
as much as i love the internet and my computer, sometimes i wish i could throw them out the window and read a damn book.
i think too much, it makes it really hard to explain to others what im thinking because i often dont even understand it.
i worry that no matter how hard i try, i will never have a relationship as successful as that of my own parents.
i feel the ticking time clock of 2012 on a daily basis and i wish i had never heard about it.
when things are too easy, i get bored and stop caring.
it bothers me when people complain and then just accept the circumstances as they are when they are certainly changeable.
i would probably feel cooler if i were more cultured. people would also probably think i was a douche bag, since thats usually how cultured people are.
i dont believe in feminism, i prefer my own philosophy. im still trying to figure it out.
i have a tendency to put stress and pressure upon myself that doesnt belong to me.
as nice as it might be, im not so sure id want to win the lottery.
im not a rebel, but i hate being bound by rules, must be an only child thing.
i get mad for no reason, i must be so fucking difficult to be around.
i need to be around people who are more opposite than they are like me, i think it would be good for me.
i think my friends think i try to play psychologist with them. i dont mean to, it must be really annoying.
i think john mayer is hot. there are other people i think are hot too. it doesnt mean im going to try to find them and fuck them. dont worry.
im not very good at sharing---> only child
i hope one day im as smart as my mother, unfortunately the future is not looking so sunny.
try as anyone may, you cannot tame a redhead.
ill talk when im ready. youll know.
i dont think ive ever experienced true tragedy, so im waiting for it any day now. in the meantime i cant really make myself not worry about its incumbent arrival.
i sometimes wonder if im even capable of putting aside my selfishness and loving another person.
i spend time with my girlfriends, not necessarily because they are more fun than others, but because they help make me feel sane.
i wish the rapport and elegance of the 1950s and previous still existed. in a society where we think so much about what others think of us, youd think we'd have a little more tact.
i have eaten several family size rolls of cookie dough, yes i was sad at the time.
if its not already obvious, i am my own worst enemy.
if someone doesnt understand my goals and how important those goals are to me, they will never understand me.
i wish i had gone to church today, it couldve changed my life but i wont know now.
i spend too much time thinking and not enough time doing (ie: instead of writing this i could be out achieving goals on my day off of work)
i am willing to compromise in a relationship with another person, but i refuse to change who i am.
i once wanted to live in new york city. then i realized theres no way im strong enough for that.
i hate to sound melodramatic, but the past year has been probably the hardest so far. i spent a great deal of time not being myself, being some other person. i sometimes catch myself wondering now if i really am myself.
i would give a lot to be on the beach right now.
i dont understand why black men have always been attracted to me. im not attracted to them.
ive spent a large percentage of the money ive made this past year on photography equipment and i often wonder if its worth it.
it really bothers me when i am in a new place and dont know where the roads go. when i get bored i get lost on purpose. this is why i knew knoxville better than some of the people who had lived there their whole lives.
i wish i could walk up to anyone and start a conversation, but i cant and its getting worse.
ok ive got about 7 more hours in my career at kennesaw. then maybe i can start thinking about having some sense of normalcy back in my life. cant wait. im really tired, like not just sleepy tired, but that achy bodily kind of tired. that mental kind of tired. i cant ever shut my mind off these days. all i wanted from this summer was to have fun, but im all too afraid that i will instead spend it questioning things, changing my mind, worrying if im doing the right things and standing on tippy toes trying not to hurt feelings when i have no idea what to do whatsoever. i wish someone else would just fix everything to how it should be for me. i wish i could just go to sleep and wake up and everything would be better.
i just cant ever do anything right. im not good at these things. and it all just adds to the stress building inside of me. but i literally think that if i make myself worry about one molecule more, i will completely snap. i can handle all this anymore. its not what i asked for, but i guess its what i got. i just want to be happy, to relax, to have fun, but i guess im not cut out for that line of work
i wish i had the ability to not be so hard on myself, to not have such high expectations for myself sometimes. i wish i could just live and stop thinking so hard.
today helping jordan pack his things and watching all the other students pile the excessive content of their dorm rooms into their parents' minivans, i realized college is halfway over. ive experienced so much and had so many great unforgettable memories with some unforgettable people, but ive also spent a good portion of it lonely, sad, confused and chasing after the wrong things. and unable to focus on the positive things ive experienced, i cant help but look forward and think in a more "realistic" way that the future is just a dark mass that i dont know how to handle.
last night was so much fun. i spent it with two of my best friends. we went to a scene club and i drank cheap vodka. we came back and sat in an empty room and wasted time, and for once i wasnt worried about tomorrow or even the rest of today. i wasnt worried that it was five in the morning and i have finals next week and perhaps it isnt even appropriate of me to be here. we slept a few hours then got up and ate breakfast food for lunch, the biggest meal ive eaten in weeks. i got a sweet tea that was full of sugar and cost me two dollars i normally might not have spent, but i did not care.
and now im home to an empty house in an empty suburb and the tears start flowing and its back to all this. sometimes i dont understand myself anymore.
i just want to live. i want to love and i want to enjoy myself. i want to go a decent amount of time without crying. what is wrong with me?
i am fortunate in my profession/ schooling to be surrounded by bounds of absolutely brilliant people on a daily basis. it is probably quite illegal for me to be posting their work here without their permission, but i will at least try to serve them proper credit. the first two photos are by sasha holoversa and the bottom two are by david czyz. two people i highly admire for their talent, yet they do not know this. to these people, these works are simply sketches, not finished pieces. to me they are masterpieces that i could only strive toward. t
the art world is so damn intimidating if you let it be so.
then i see this poster design by nick rose and i am reminded:
i need to stop spending all my time admiring the lives of others and wishing i had the talents, lifestyle, mindset, morals, looks, sense of style, money , prerogative, way with people, or friends that they have. i believe it is not only fine, but completely necessary to look to others and see the good in them and try to transfer some of that to yourself. its called change and theres nothing wrong with that. but theres a certain amount of first hand experience and living that must be done to get the ball rolling.
so kudos to you great people, now its my turn.
im very tired today and i have one of those tears before bedtime headaches. i wish i could be someone else for just a little while, but the problem is you can never run away from yourself. the great thing about me is i can never make up my mind...not. im probably just expecting too much. of myself and of others. i dont know what to say or do anymore. i just want to lay down and be someone else. i want to be able to call things on my own terms, but that will never happen, it always turns out wrong or i mess it up somehow. i just want things to be easier and instead they just get progressively harder. and i want to stop doing everything wrong. you want me to give you answers and i dont have any except that this is me and how messed up i am.
i shoudnt have written this it will only lead to trouble later.
i think theres a reason there four seasons in a year, and not just one and it has nothing to do with climate changes.
its about people changes. i think humans would go crazy with just one season. we all need a little variation now and then. i put my winter clothes away today. im going to be so happy to be living somewhere slightly more permanently, and even more happy not to have two houses worth of stuff crammed into one. im really not even that excited about school next year, i suppose its more all the stuff that goes with that. living in athens: not so exciting for me quite honestly, but going back to school to do what i love doing once again will be nice, being around peers and living in a more conventional college situation will be better and getting the unique opportunity to start the whole college thing kinda over again is exciting.
the Bible says there is a season for everything. Pete Seeger wrote a song about it.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
I am in a better frame of mind now. I want to see things more positively these days. I think its important. Working alongside a girl known for her negativity and bad attitude has made me want to strive to do the opposite because i see how ugly it can be. such a thing is hard for a girl known for her brooding and harsh sarcasm, but im not changing who i am, just the angle of things. i want to look back on my life and know that i savored every second of it and every person in it and every thing that happened because i wasnt too busy looking forward to the horizon, hoping for better things to come, when all i ever had control over was right in front of me.
springtime will do that to a person.
will i ever be well? will i ever be totally normal? will i ever stop overanalyzing everything? i should hope so, but the odds are stacked against me.
this year has been an interesting one, i guess thats the best way to call it. unlike any other before and probably any after. i made some big changes, booted some people out, invited a few in, said goodbye, said hello, got my teeth yanked out and made some art along the way. and if theres one thing i can say it is this: never forget the value of those you keep close. you will never be able to even come close to understanding how important they are, but just give it a whirl for their sake.
maybe life really isnt about what kind of car youre driving, whether or not you have correct directions or even bothered to get them beforehand, or whether or not you even know where you're going. maybe its about the people sitting next to you incessantly changing the radio station, talking your ear off and making the whole thing worthwhile. love those people.
im off to athens now for portfolio review, wish me luck : )
Where the touch of the lover ends
And the soul of the friend begins
Theres a need to be separate and a need to be one
And a struggle neither wins
Where you gave me the world I was in
And a place I could make a stand
I could never see how you doubted me
When Id let go of your hand
And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And itll never fold back
Sky blue and black
And Id have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If Id known thats what you needed
What you needed me to do
thank you drew for that, beautiful lyrics if ive ever heard them.
im not sure if im ready to write yet, if i will know what to say or if i trust myself enough with this keyboard right now to let my voice be heard how i want it to come out. i will give it a try.
im sitting in the middle of a crowded hallway at school and im not really sure im up to doing this right now. but i keep thinking maybe this will help somehow.
each day gets a little better and a little worse, which must mean im not really moving anywhere. each day im reminded of things that now must change or will never be. i check my phone for text messages, but there will never be any, no one else ever texts me. the vast expanse of the summer and college and everything else now seems greater and more empty than ever. its more than i can handle to think about right now. one day at a time they say.
apparently im not supposed to be sad, seeing as how this is my doing. and even if that werent true, its been few days, so apparently im supposed to be good as new again ready for my new life in a new town shed of everything but myself.
in case you were wondering the above is not true, im not ok right now. and when i dont talk about it, its because you cant hear the screaming inside for someone to help me to try to piece everything back together again.
but no ones going to hear that i dont expect them to. its not their problem its my own. its my doing its my fault. i pissed in my bed and now ill lie in it alone.
to you, i am so sorry, and if theres anything good i can say about this whole situation its that maybe now you can go out and get what you deserve, because you deserve so so many things. you deserve more than i could ever provide for you in my selfishness and my business and my ignorance. and i know that you thought the world of me but i am just another girl with a sackful of problems and a much too cold hearted disposition for a wonderful soul like yourself. you are going to be fine, you are going to be wonderful, it is me who will always be the one missing out. i never lied to you about anything and i understand if you dont believe anything i ever say to you again, i suppose thats how it works at times.
and i know you dont believe me, and you may not understand, and i dont expect you to, but all i ever wanted for you and all i ever wanted you to see was the things i mentioned above.
i lost my best friend today.
it ended where it began.
and it keeps hitting me in little pieces hurting more and more each time. after over a year a person becomes pretty ingrained in your life. and now im seeing how everything somehow has a connection to him. the worst feeling i could ever have was just sitting there in the park with my head on his shoulder taking in the last few moments as much as i could before what i knew would happen transpired.
i hope i did the right thing.
its all happened so fast i dont know what to think anymore. i cant even believe its real. so much of my life is different now...all of my life is different now. my future looks completely different now. i m not sure what to think. and i feel so awful, and so sorry for it all.
It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart
Have you ever eaten something and you couldnt get the taste of it out of your mouth for hours? You tried drinking water or eating something else or sucking on a mint and nothing will cut it. A bad taste in your mouth.
I've got a bad taste in my mind. Theres no way for me to put this without sounding completely high and i dont expect any of this to make any sense to anyone other than myself, but ever since i could remember ive had these certain vague images of unexplainable origin that i see in my mind whenever a certain feeling comes over me. theyre images of vacancy, loss, obscurity, postmodernism, loneliness. i see stretches of urban interstate with the cheap looking orange glow of the street lights. roadside motels of broken houses and broken dreams. vending machines. blues guitars. cigarettes. pornography. darkness. polyester. airports. stale coffee. the end of the world.
I'm not really sure where these things came from and why they stick with me, but ive carried them with me all my life. Whenever i find myself at the helm of an unprescribed period of time, it seems daunting to me, and these images come to mind. i feel a great deal of uncertainty. of uneasiness. i feel like im doing something wrong yet ive done nothing, perhaps that is what is wrong. like a bad chess player i dont know my next move. meanwhile i cant get the eerie chords of i will possess your heart out of my head.
well damn, you can be the first to know i just got into georgia.
the feeling still presses on.
its sunday and i think i may actually be able to make it through the week without a complete mental breakdown this time. for the first time in a long time i have had the wonderful privilege of being both motivated and left alone for a few days. No one called me to essentially tell me that if i didnt go to this place or meet with these people they would be quietly mad at me. no one made plans for me without my permission, and no one assumed i was available. no one came in from out of town, and no one asked me to cover their shifts.
i know i have a tendency to be a very selfish person, unfortunately its an only child thing, which makes it a toughie to change. but i think there are some times when not only should you be selfish, but you must be selfish. by the same token, even when you have to be selfish you have to do it right. theres a mean way and a nice way to do it. but when youre knee deep in school work, completely and utterly sleep deprived and stressed out of your mind, thats when you know its ok to say no. ive still got a lot on my plate, but at least for the time being things are looking a little brighter and a little less insane.
and for those who said i couldnt do it, i am doing it right now. i have taken steps toward doing what i want to do, and its working. and youll never know, youll never understand and perhaps youll never listen, but i have proved you wrong.
when my turn came
i was ashamed
when my turn came
i was ashamed
of her
ive been taking a trip into the past, not really out of my own wanting to do so, but just out of accident. random occurrences that take me back to places i didn't ask to go. i've been listening to all the wrong cds and songs. documents, people, pieces of art keep turning up that remind me of things id rather not remember. i went to the high school the other day, down D hall. I think ive forgotten everything about high school except senior year, so i thought of yearbook and cassaniti. and spring break and conversations in the car and psuedo Bible studies and my new computer and colvin and my internship and haigwood and my stupid fucking optimism about life as it continuously slapped me in the face for the next year and a half or possibly even up until now. i sat at my place at the desk as kirk explained to us his anxiety attacks and i remember sitting in that purple office with that south african lady, i think her name was diane. she told me to read a certain book, which i didnt. i was just another number on her list, im not so sure she ever really listened to me. as i took kirks paper work and there was a bustle in the office i saw in his face that he was fighting off one then and there and it made me want to cry. am i over all that now? i'd like to think it was just a faze but only time can tell. i think its quite possible to almost completely block out certain things in your mind to the point where you almost dont remember them at all...save when you hear the right song and youre back in your car in knoxville with tired eyes driving over the bridge, you can smell the cold concrete of the classroom you can feel the heat of the never ending summer sun outside. some days i can handle these memories and some days i cant, but they dont come around too often, just something about lately...im having a lot of trouble with myself lately. nothing new i suppose. i dont know what i want and i dont know what im expecting of myself. as usual im leaving all others out of my plans, choosing instead to pursue my own wants and needs. im just so sick of it all. i cant help sometimes but feel like i hate myself for what ive done in the past, who ive allowed myself to be and how i treat others now.
this is why i am stressed, it is not work, it is not school, it is not the quickly incoming summer, it is not the future, it is not the review, it is not the fact that i am blatantly out of shape. it is me. how can i be of any use or benefit to anyone else if i am not ok with who/how i am? and im afraid its never going to go away. why cant i just turn away from these things? why cant i just leave it alone?