"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him..." Romans 8:28

Note to self: remember that.

Lately life seems like a frustrating struggle against one thing or another. Churning out schoolwork at a record breaking pace, fighting to correct my living situation and find a new one for next year, racing against time wanting to graduate but seeing it further and further in the distance. The thing I need to remember is that if youre fighting and fighting even if you eventually get what you sought, it's forced. Wouldn't it be better to just let it happen? Wouldn't that save a lot of frustration and effort and disappointment and stress if it just was what it was?

Note to self: remember that.

Friends are getting engaged right and left. I dont hear congrats all i hear is ca-ching. Hellz yeah time to cash in for my dues. seriously though i am very happy for all, but ive gotta learn how to put one foot in front of the other, maybe finally figure out what my major will be, maybe i dunno finish school in like twenty years before adding something like that into the picture.

Meeting with another photographer this weekend. he's from the ajc. hes asian. hes awesome. sure, ill take another asian in my life why not!

I am uuber excited about my next photo assignment. Now if i can only ward off graphic design long enough to get some work done on it. its very open ended. we are to create a series of four photographs based on a quote or song lyrics. you know im going for the latter, sorry folks no tired out walden quotes for me. so ive got to brainstorm about what would be a good song to visually represent. ill probably end up going with some emo death cab song from high school, or just generally a song from high school or early college. i havent been touched my music as much recently. im not sure why that is i just havent found a song thats hit my heart. perhaps this is a positive indicator of my mental state, which i am totally ok with. anyways, to the one and a half people who may or may not read this, if you have any suggestions for visually charged or emotively charged songs that you think might be relevant please post it here!

happy tuesday all.

realities

hopefully i can make it through another week of nonstop work, ive never been this busy before school is taking over my life for sure. the reality of not having painting skills and not being able to paint is now setting in. somehow not being able to paint correlates to not being able to do graphic design, which is more or less done entirely by computer nowadays. i try to be optimistic about the way things are going to turn out, but doesnt optimism also imply a certain level of ingnorance, of turning the other cheek to reality? and thus the reality of being the only thing ive ever wanted to be in college (done) slips further from my grasp. no worries, for now im still clenching onto that little bit of optimism that says youre gonna make it after all.

adding to the stress is finding a new place for next year. im glad to be moving, but i hate that im having to do it once again. its all difficult and logistical and political and difficult. i dont really want to deal with it right now.

cant wait to be done with this semester. im over the stress of this program and the negativity in my life. couldnt be more excited for the beach in three weeks : )

graphic design has successfully taken over my life.

perhaps not just taken over it but swallowed it whole. actually eating it away in its entirety via an acid bath is actually more appropriate.

im only on the second project and im dying! i have no time for the work in my other classes, and forget any kind of social life unless it is some kind of major or required event that i can squeeze in between masking off my gd project, failing at trying to find subjects for photography, visiting foreign grocery stores for ag and searching desperately for my lone carrot in the fridge. spring break are you here yet?

i wonder if its all in vain anyway.

thursday

because you know it is.

link so i dont get sued
so i should probably be getting ready for school or cleaning but i feel sick so im doing this instead.

im excited to be spending two, maybe even three back to back weekends in athens. as much fun as i have running around and visiting people and working etc. i havent really had much time to get to know this place, and according to my advisor i have five semesters left here (yes that means i'll be a cool 24 years old by the time i graduate undergrad...oh well the economy sucks a nut anyway right now so its probably a good thing) so i feel like i should make a life here. i feel like part of the problem with my college experience thus far is that no matter where i was i was always wanting to be somewhere else. when i was in tn i just wanted to be home. when i was home i just wanted to be in athens and once i finally got to athens i just wanted to be somewhere else. its not how i want to be, i want to feel at home here. now i think its going to take me finding a place to live where i am truly comfortable before that happens, but at least i can become acclimated to this place and let the living situation fall into place sometime later for now. so this weekend i will enjoy my time in athens, ive got a full plate for sure, but ill be here basically by myself so hopefully i can have some time to explore. i spent most of my days alone in tn and now i feel like its been forever since ive done something alone...definitely not a bad thing, but im an independent girl too : )

guess im off to learn about the ins and outs of the food industry. please pray that i will continue to not cutabitch. here are some things that might make me want to cutabitch:
-heals in the morning
-heals in the evening
-heals at suppertime
(well maybe not, mostly just in the morning)
-cups that leak milk
-high volume levels on tv
-olive oil all over the place
-vomit in the sink
-chewing
-prying into my biz

happy thursday!

ps: resolution #1: check! seven weddings scheduled this year, won't be hard to make my goal of eight yay!

used to have a grip on everything, it feels better to let go

just some wedding pics from a wedding a few weekends ago, im sure it will be back up on the other blog soon. my internet life is becoming more complex than my real life and i have to say its pretty hard to keep up with lol.

since school started my life has been a huge ball of stress, projects, assignments, papers and tests abound. im having trouble keeping up with it all whilst maintaining my sanity and trying to leave at least a bit of room for something relaxing or fun, but im somehow doing it nonetheless. but its been good, business is a good thing for me and as long as it doesnt get too overwhelming, which im sure it eventually will, i will be fine. things seem to be falling into place a little better here now. its nice to be out and see people you know instead of feeling like youre in a city full of strangers. now if i could only learn all their damn names.

i signed up to participate in a Bible study group at Athens church. i think it will be good for me assuming this isnt another one of those holier than thou kind of groups. i have to get up tomorrow evening and tell my story. im not sure what to say. in general my life has been pretty boring save about the last three or four years when it got a little too interesting for my taste. what do you say about yourself to a room full of strangers?

i shall figure it out later, for now ill pack up my crap and do the usual routine of crossword puzzle and bus ride. but for your entertainment, you luck assed reader you, some stop motion which is in short ammmaazing. cant get enough of this stuff, mostly because i know how hard it is to do and how awesome the end result is. enjoy!

just so happens to be one of my favorite songs as well
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_HXUhShhmY

this commercial is stunning. the making of is even more unbelievable, albeit not in English.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5Nu8bo2d-o

happy tuesday everyone!

im finding more and more that people feel the way i do. perhaps we place too high of expectations on college or perhaps theres just something we're all not getting. its probably a mixture between the two.

if youre one of those who doesnt feel like youve met too many new friends since you started, if youre the type who feels alone in such a crowded space believe me
youre not the only one.
i know a few others and im one of them too.
~~~~
the honeymoon period is over, school is definitely in full swing. the work is piling on and im stressed, but worst of all is i see the familiar patterns of last semester creaping out.

three weeks of r & r at home doesnt do shit, youre the same. the difference is we're all moving on with our lives. ive got other shit to do.

beauty in the breakdown

bored waiting for model to arrive. shes making me a little testy because her tardiness is preventing me from getting back to school. ill surely get caught in this so called blizzard we are apparently about to have. this weekend has been nice. after only a week and a half i was already looking for an out, which is pretty bad to be honest. but while its been nice to be home the weekend is short as they all are and passes much too quickly. i spent most of it stressing about undone items on my to do list. this semester intimidates the shit out of me and if i want it to run smoothly, it gives me no room for error. ive really just got to learn to let go a little bit. i know that whenever anything happens i place the full burden on myself and let it lie there until it dies. this is not a fair thing through which to put myself. plus its exhausting! any stress, anxiety or anger i have for any reason becomes a weight upon my shoulders that i lug with me wherever i go, it only gets worse as the situation worsens, and i cant do that to myself anymore. it is time that i allow myself to relax, and part of that goes with not allowing myself to be victimized so much. i let others take advantage of me; of my time, my patience, my property, my skills, my friendship. im out of rope and i really cant do it anymore. so if i say no when you ask me to do something for you, or if some of the things you associate with having me around slowly start to dissappear dont take it personally, it's personal.

currently listening to: roxanne-the police

i stopped watching.

i think thats what im going to call my next body of work...now what to put in it. for the purposes of this entry im going to call myself an artist. im not sure if i should or can actually classify myself in that way, but here and now im going to just because it makes things easier.

technically, in the area of photography i have never been trained. all of my knowledge and understanding has been picked up in little pieces throughout the years through trial and error, shadowing professionals, reading books, one intro photography class, guessing and belton. and then of course there was my year long stint in the tag program in high school. ms. colvin and i struggled the best we could guiding me through an independent study of advanced placement art. problem was i didnt know shit and she was an english teacher with very little prior knowledge of photography.

we kicked ass.

i got a better grade on the ap exam than most people who took it under the school art teacher.

the one thing ms. colvin stressed was that everything have a clear meaning and everything be what it is for a reason. since then my work has always been narrative in nature, story telling, and of course wordy...but the last part isn't ms colvins fault, i was born that way.

now in college and under the watchful eye of professors who have more knowledge of the fine arts side of things i begin to question this idea that everything has to mean something and if people dont understand what you meant when they see it just by seeing it then you werent successful. sure for graphic design that is important, thats kind of the point, but what about other kinds of art? what about a photograph? do i have to have a reason? do i have to spell it out for you?

my drawing teacher believed you shouldnt do things too literally to save making the audience feel stupid. if you throw it in their face theyll feel like you think theyre incapable of drawing conclusions on their own.

my mind works in such a way that an image will occur to me. sometimes in the middle of the night sometimes at the grocery store. there is no particular rhyme or reason to it, but it just comes often out of nowhere. the robyn housewife picture was that way. i didnt think "oh lets create a whole series of juxtapositions of facades and realities in modern day suburbia" i just saw this image in my head of a completely fucked up housewife mixing pills instead of cake batter.

thats where it came from. no philosophical reasoning why, perhaps in the subconscious the last 12 songs i listened to, the last two movies i watched and the last four books i read somehow meshed together to make some grand visual statement of a complex psychological state, but somehow i doubt it.

i guess the question i struggle with is can the images just speak for themselves regardless or do i have to make them such? ive got images and im ready to go. the problem is drawing them together under a common umbrella, a theme, an idea, a statement. does it even have to make sense to be successful?

i dunno...that would be the problem.

so for now im going to shoot some ballerinas for my photography class and hope that i can improve the quality of my work. tonight on myspace i saw the comments left on the page of a recent "model" i worked with. the comments harped on the technical shortcomings of the photographs i had made of her. i have no problem with critique but i doubt the model is interested in these matters. critique should be aimed at the one who made the error, she needs to learn how to pose and i need to learn how to make a decent picture.

ill admit the pictures were bad, as most of mine are. and yes, i do know the difference between being healthily critical of yourself and harping on the negative in everything you do. my issue is the former. i am never happy with my work because i know it could be better but i just settle for what i can do at that moment. i shoot too quickly at times and blame the setting, the equipment, the situation, the model and at times personal safety on the lackluster results. i would like to for once produce something that i am technically, aesthetically and lyrically proud of, if that even makes sense.

tomorrow is the first day of school. hopefully this semester i can make some friends since i managed to end last semester with about zero new ones. im very nervous about this semester and im not sure im ready for the grueling blows to my self esteem that are sure to follow with the endless critiques ill endure for the next four months...fcukkkkk

this has been far too long and boring for the masses. oh well im not writing for you anyway. im gonna go do a damn crossword puzzle now.

currently listening to "the opposite of the sea" -oren lavie

Sunday morning coming down

People are beginning to return back to school and back to life in the real world once again. Jordan leaves today and I go back Wednesday. Ashley leaves for Australia on Thursday...I don't know what I'm going to do without her in Athens.

This semester is definitely going to be a toughie, but one that I've waited for for literally a year or more, sitting still waiting for this time to transpire. I don't know how to feel about it now that it's here. I've got so much going on in my head at any given time it makes it hard to slow down and really think about anything. Makes it hard to sleep too. But I have to keep it all organized, take it one day at a time and try not to put problems upon myself that don't actually belong to me...thats a hard one for me to do. I just hope that this semester I can be successful and keep it all together too. I know its going to be stressful because I'll be under a great deal of pressure, but I don't want to break down. I actually enjoy being at school and going there for the most part, but for some reason this is like pulling teeth this time.

Launched my website officially on Friday. Please let me know what you think. However I swear, if another person tells me that my pictures are great and what kind of camera do i have? im gonna slap a bitch. when you eat a meal do you tell the person who cooked it that it was delicious and what kinds of pots and pans did the cook use? NO you dont. Cameras don't take photographs, they expose light sensitive services to preconceived amount of light in a preconceived composition. people take pictures. sorry thats my rant lol.

good luck to everyone moving back in and getting settled once again, and as always safe travels.

Good evening, 2009.

So another year has passed. I used to enjoy looking back on the time and seeing the changes and progress that transpired over the year, but now it just makes me more depressed than anything. knowing that just around the corner lies some pretty heavy stuff. i dont want to think about those things now. so as i get older i find that the more i can zoom in on my life, the more i can look at things on a macro level and a day to day time line the more sane i can be.

i couldnt help but notice yesterday that many people's facebook statuses reveled in the joy of a fresh start. 2008 was a horrible year, they said, and they couldnt wait to get out of this year. i cant speak on behalf of others, for i know not what 2008 did to them, but i would sa it was not so bad. it was a holding pattern kind of a year for me. after leaving knoxville, my life was put on standby as i attended classes unrelated to my major and worked my tail off at nv trying to raise money for new equipment and a few mindless pieces of entertainment to keep my mind of how things were. i arrived at a new school only to find that despite its differences, it is solely up to me to make the changes real. it was a year of departures, reunions, depressions, triumphs, slacking, progress, confusion, understanding, loss, love, endings and beginnings.

i do not know what 2009 will bring. i prefer these days to not think too far ahead as i tend to be much happier that way. im not sure that im ready for what the next semester will hold. its a very important semester academically, and at the same time i am really trying to adjust and grow in my new surroundings...maybe for real this time. im not sure im ready to return to a house of such unpredictability, where the tone changes almost as much as a stoplight, but i take a sort of comfort in knowing that i dont have a choice and in that i must get through it and in the end be better for it.

the change of the year reminds me not just of what i want to change or make better in coming times, but also the many many things i should be grateful and thankful for in my life. God has truly blessed me by placing wonderful people in my life. i will never be able to express my gratitude for what they do for me and who they are to me. I hope that in the coming year i can only add to this amazing group.

and finally, the requisite list of resolutions, im doin it for real this time lol

_grow the biz
i hope in the coming year to make my business a legal entity and expand greatly via a stronger marketing strategy. my official website will be launched by the end of this week and a rebranding campaign online and in print will be soon to follow. i also hope to invest in additional advertising and promotional materials. contingent on summer plans, i hope to create a strong client base for senior portraits. i currently have four weddings planned to shoot on my own in 2009 and I hope to bring that number to eight by the end of the year.

_expand creativity
i speak of this mainly of photography, but not photography alone. i hope to better utilize people and resources i have at my disposal to become more educated and expand my creativity. my ultimate goal is to pass the portfolio review in april, as well as produce gallery-quality work that will be shown or scheduled for showing in 2009.

_the atypical healthy resolution
i really do need to start taking better care of my body. i hope to continue the workout regimen that has worked for me this past semester while simultaneously revamping my diet. i hope to cook more, and i dont mean microwaving things lol.

_hone in on my faith
my life has been pretty crazy for the past few years, and unfortunately many things including my spiritual life have been put on the back burner. i would like to attend church more often and find a way that i can nurture that aspect of my life on a daily basis as well. as i look around me and see the positive attitudes and personal successes of those who have a strong faith versus the loneliness and emptiness of those who are lacking it, i realize all the more the importance of this aspect of life. i hope that in the coming year i will chose to no longer neglect this very important facet of health.

_be a better friend
it might be safe to say ive lost more friends in the past year than i have gained. i would like to negate that trend in the coming year by being a better friend. working on my social skills and my ability to reach out to others will play a crucial role in the success of this goal.

_enjoy
anyone who believes i dont work hard for what i have must not know me very well. i spend an immense amount of time stressing over projects, plans, my self image, money, safety and a myriad number of other things. im not sure how, but this year id like to seek out a little more inner peace to allow me to truly enjoy the things and people around me.

those were long-winded and far too detailed for anyones own good.


if anyone is still reading this post (or ever was to begin with haha) i wish you a happy new year. may 2009 be the best year yet, and may you be blessed in all your endeavors.

2 posts in 1 day! ack!

im bored, US history is not really catching my attention now. im so upset because the damn puppies are leaving. i know, im an idiot, but i am one of those people who got addicted to watching the shiba inu puppies on the website (http://www.ustream.tv/channel/shiba-inu-puppy-cam) and today half of them have gone away to their new homes. i dont know these dogs, i never will, but this shit is better than tv for serious.

i think if i were in beauty pageants my cause would be animal-related. probably spaying and neutering your pets...go bob barker on everyones ass. i lovvvve dogs. so yes, ive joined the ranks of the lonely housewives and the old ladies who spend their time watching these puppies all the way in california roll around in their superb awesomeness all day. and now theyre going away and ive got to say its making me a tad melancholy...though when am i not at least a little melancholy these days?

i guess i just feel more and more every day that i am just not a "college person" theres like something i seem to not be getting. the fault must be mine, theres no one else to blame it on. i keep thinking if i just change this or try that or move around or get away that those things will make it better. i think ive got a missing connection somewhere.

im not asking for a life of predictability or routine, thats not what i want at all. but i wish for just a bit i could be comfortable. not comfortable when i go home or when i get to spend the weekend with jordan, but comfortable in my daily life, its been a very long time since ive felt that way. just a contentment or an enjoyment or a sense of accomplishment every now and then. maybe i already have this i just need to think a certain way or not a certain way. i havent figured it out just yet.

i need

patience and understanding.

patience probably moreso than the understanding part.

where do i buy that?

omg i just totally massacred my previously awesome drawing. thus is my life...awesome till i put the faces on. i think im soooo ready for this term to be over. everythings starting to wear on me emotionally. i never thought going home would mean being free, but at this time it appears to be such. i think for now ill just go to bed. tomorrow ill lock myself in my room with my charcoal and mgmt and the new snow patrol cd and hopefully correct the major snake eyes this dudes got going on...

technical difficulties.

this is our decision
to live fast and die young
we've got the vision

now lets have some fun.

artistic frustration out the ass. i can decide what to do with my final drawing. its a mess more or less. my metz has also decided to crap out, fuck me!

i put a piece of paper on my wall today. its quite oddly shaped. im not really what you would call "the shit" at tearing newsprint or anything. for now it sits blank which is a very difficult state of being for a piece of paper. however once i grow a pair and get over myself it will be where my ideas for new projects go.

you dont understand how excited i am. this kind of stuff gets my blood pumping more than anything.
well almost anything.
but theres nothing worse to the psyche than a piece of blank paper. and thats what ive been for the past few years. blank paper with a pencil hovering millimeters above ready to scribble away, but never getting quite close enough to make that initial mark. because transferring your ideas from your head to a visible place where others can see is a very very vulnerable thing. its arguably the scariest place to be. i havent felt comfortable inside or outside of myself in a long time, so why should what i have to say matter or be good or be worth anyone's time? it may not be, but the process alone is probably worth my time.

there was a time, probably relatively around the time the above photography was taken, when i felt wreckless with my ideas. then something, im not sure what, happened and since then ive felt like the pencil lurching painfully close to the paper. the shield against vulnerability melted away and since then ive been sitting. met with my ideas sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves but never getting anything done.

i have an ever increasing vision.
i have the knowledge.
i have the resources and the means.
i have no excuses anymore.

the stars fell on alabama.

im home in georgia now, enjoying whats left of the thanksgiving break. thinking back and realizing that a year ago I was beginning to move back here and open a new chapter of my life whilst closing another is crazy to me. feels like yesterday. yes, i know its a trite thing to say. it feels weird being here. my little temporary life in my temporary room. i dont like this, but i dont know how i feel or how im supposed to feel about it anymore. its an almost out of body experience kind of thing. i dont feel at home in athens, i feel quite uncomfortable there most of the time actually. the people have been great, school is going well, but im not comfortable there. athens doesnt belong to me and it never has. perhaps in time it will.

back here at home, i know i cant get too comfortable. even though nothing beats being home and all the comforts that go along with that i cant get too comfortable here right now. this place is a mess. i basically left it in a tornadic state. now i dont know where to begin again.

being in alabama always makes me think. i will never deny its where it came from because theres nothing wrong with it. i always try to remember it could have just as easily been me in the ranch farmhouse raising cotton and babies. am i better than this? absolutely not. thats an assumption far too many make of themselves. and to those i say stop being cocky bastards, it couldve been you.

but it wasnt and it isnt, but i am all too quickly reminded of the importance of taking control over your life. life deals you a set of cards, youve got no control over what you get, but how you play them is up to you. im a believer in fate, everything happens for a reason, etc etc garbage garbage. but i also feel that if you let life wash over you whatever way it chooses with no thought or reaction of your own, it will probably find a way to fuck you in the ass.

somehow.
it will.

i feel like ive learned a lot within the past year and whether or not ive used what ive learned to the greatest capacity is an argument for another day. but what i do know is that awareness is the first step to change, and i feel im becoming more aware. heres a few things

-the least successful, least happy, least interesting people are those who refuse to ask questions and be open to change big or small. the more you not only ask questions, but simultaneously seek answers to those questions, the more upward movement you can achieve.

-there are two schools of though about being optimistic: one is that being consistently optimistic will often make you "luckier" and make you a happier person. the second is that if you are never optimistic about anything you will never be disappointed and only pleasantly surprised when things do go right. they both work but the former makes you a much more pleasant person to be around. no one likes a negative nancy.

-always keep someone slightly crazy around. they will make your life interesting and always keep you entertained. but don't get too close to them, you dont want to deal with the cart fulls of baggage theyve got. coworkers always make good candidates, perhaps theyll get fired and you can get a raise. note: if the crazy person you have around is you...well, thats bad.

-endorphins make all the difference.

-kindness always comes back to you. sometimes its in small ways you may not notice at first, but it always does.

having our cake and eating it too.

omg so so sick what am i going to do. i think im allergic to my damn house. every time i leave im fine but upon my return i become ill again. what do you do when you're allergic to your own house?

i chose the above image to reflect my ever-growing sentiments that i feel are confirmed every day in my comings and goings. i feel like im some sort of weird mixture of ideals because much of the art i do has feminist undertones, but much of feminism i dont understand/ dont agree with. should all people be treated equally? yes! if that makes me a feminist then i suppose i am, however here's the rub: everyone should be treated so equal if thats what they want. that probably sounds somewhat strange, but i feel that people are only open to receiving amount of respect that they give themselves. so, if women cant respect themselves, im not so sure anyone else will. consider the following article published in the school newspaper last week that really ticked me off:
http://media.www.redandblack.com/media/storage/paper871/news/2008/11/05/Opinions/Birth.Control.Should.Remain.Accessible-3524497.shtml

Am i ticked off about birth control or abortion? No! Save that argument for another day, Lord knows anyone and everyone can go around in circles with that one for hours. Im mad about her attitude toward the subject. she makes it seem like females do or maybe should rely on emergency birth control as a regular method for dealing with mistakes made after "a night downtown".

Excuse me? thanks for making us all look awesome girl, you battle for the respect and equal treatment you say you deserve then proceed to wipe it all away with words that say "it should be ok to slut around"

and maybe it should. but really is that the picture you want to paint of the rest of us? you only get the respect you give yourself. i see girls do it all the time. getting drunk to erase the blame for their actions, because you see if you do something while drunk it automatically becomes a cure-all excuse for making stupid decisions and actions. then magically you can laugh about it the next day and not have anyone look down on you because you know it wasnt you, it was the alcohol.

have i done/said/thought stupid things while intoxicated? fuck yes! but its almost like some girls go out with the intent of using alcohol to mask their sometimes socially-less-acceptable intentions. is there anything wrong with this? i think so, but in reality there isnt anything wrong with it, but when you start demanding respect and equal treatment, thats where the real problem comes in. the more you objectify yourself, the less respect you can expect to receive.

so thats my take on feminism. i dont think its so radical. you cant have your cake and go down on it too ladies.

i need to work out, but i cant really do that until i feel better. being homeless isnt really a good option, so looks like ill be sniffling for a while haha.

fear of flying.

just playing around with some type on a photograph from this weekend. it needs some work and so do i...shit!

i spent my fall break in evanston, a suburb of chicago visiting alex. ive always wanted to go to chicago, and my dad always talked about taking a Christmas trip up there to see the lights and all during the holiday season. years have come and gone with those promises and i finally just took matters into my own hands and made the journey to chicago myself.

a friend told me it was gutsy of me to make the trip on my own. not sure if she was referring to the solo plane ride or the trip as a whole, but it really never crossed my mind. i dont like to fly but i know that is only because i dont do it very much. the time in between my air travel is littered with too many plane crash news stories and close call newspaper headlines that i assume every time i board a plane my number must be up this time. perhaps even more unnerving than that is going through airport security. remember that idiot in the uga hat that got hartsfield shut down for a whole damn day? yeah, who wants to be that guy? (that was not a good day for positive publicity for uga fans for sure) back to what i was saying, despite my superficial concerns about flying, i never batted an eye at the thought of traveling alone. in fact once i did arrive i ended up spending much my time alone, navigating the streets of chicago and its public transit system with no map, no alibi.

now let me preface this by saying there is a difference between challenging yourself and turning a blind eye to putting yourself in dangerous situations. believe me, i know that, but i love the idea of testing myself...in fact i need it every so often. i need to know that i can be on my own and be ok. not because i actually need to be on my own, but just to know that i can. ive come to terms with the fact that that was the single greatest reason why i went to ut. there was nothing so much grander about that school above all the others, but because it gave me the opportunity to test my sense of independence, make sure all the gears and wires within me were still working after years of lesser use. my great disappointment is that being back in georgia is easy, im no longer being tested on a daily basis, i no longer have to try to survive it just comes naturally.

so i need stuff like this. times where i just go and do my own thing on my own just to make sure i can, its something i think ill always need, for my own sanity's sake among other reasons.

my rooms a mess and i dont know where anything is, but i think ill send a few emails. im already ready to book more weddings. i need more funding to feed my insatiable wanderlust.

her morning elegence

i realized last night that i dont really want to sit in a desk in atlanta all summer. fight traffic just to go home and do it again. i also realized for the first time that my mom doesnt want me to want that either.

maybe living vicariously through your kids isnt always such a bad thing.

monday night

i have plenty of reading to be doing which is why im sitting here writing instead. the above is something ive been working on. (apologies for the shitty color conversions and condensing) talking to jordan the other day made me realize that it is far too early to be giving up on myself, and if indeed i am going to give up on myself then i probably shouldnt spend yet another semester chasing a dream if i dont have one. so im flexing my creative muscles a bit, trying to center myself once again in hopes that something good may come from it. i keep telling myself that i hate graphic design, but working on this project as well as my recent redesigned logo and branding for my photography has made me realize i just hate being in school for graphic design. they really are two completely different things.

im beginning to get the feeling that my competitive drive leaves me somewhat misunderstood with those around me. people tell me all the time they are jealous that i know what i want to do with my life, or at least have a pretty solid idea. believe me, its nothing to envy because once you know what you want to do, then you end up spending all the time others are spending trying out new things and figuring themselves out chasing your dream. im not sure i have it in me to spend the rest of my life in a cubicle (nothing against cubicles, theyre just so confining, and dont generally have a nice view), by the same token i dont want to spend the rest of my life in a box on the street (also confining, possibly better view--just depends on where you place your box i suppose). my completely virgo-esque psychotic obsessive perfectionist way of remedying the pull between the two is to claw at this like nobody's business. that is probably the part people dont understand. i wake up in the morning thinking about these things, planning, thinking of ways to make myself, my skills, my mind better conditioned for what i want to do. im guessing about 99.9999% of people dont take it this far. they dont understand because they dont think this way. they are extremely lucky and probably sleep better at night.

my parents just didnt raise me like that.

but it doesnt matter. its not about my parents, its about me and my future. when (and dammit if) i graduate, i want to look forward to everything ahead of me, not just some things but everything. because if i have to get up every morning and go to a job i hate knowing that its leading nowhere i will kick myself EVERYDAY for not doing EVERYTHING i could to make things different.

so that is why i spend most weekends in hotel conference rooms and country club ballrooms.

thats why im not around physically (or mentally) much of the time.

thats why i act like a fifty year old managing my own psuedo-business out of my college apartment.

thats why i worry about getting into school.

thats why i worry about money.

that eighteen year old girl, the one who wanted to live in new york city and work for vogue and take over the world with her camera and her art and her psuedo-bohemian ideals

shes still here.

she might be different and changed and maybe not think all of the same things or see the world in quite the same perspective, but shes still here, fighting for what belongs to her.

thats why.

the beginning of the end?

You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed

So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night


I'm about to watch the second presidential debate.

i wonder if i should even bother.

i suppose its a better option than studying for my geography midterm.
i speak in such a tone not because i feel that politics are futile, ive registered to vote, ive sent in my absentee ballot. when i receive it, i'll mark it with my choices via check mark or bubbled scantron or chads of whatever the hell they do now.

does it really matter though?

im not questioning democracy or the right of the individual to vote and the power of that individual vote, as i stated before, i will be voting in this election.

but do our actions really do anything to ward off the inevitable?

are we living in the end times?

like it or not i was born and raised and born again a Southern Baptist. while in my latter youth i have adopted a more moderate perspective on religion, i still uphold many of the things ive believed all my life. and believe me, us Baptists love all that fire and brimstone and shit.

i dont get into religion much here because i know there are people out there reading this. not that it should matter, but i know its a controversial topic, and i dont want anyone passing judgment.

but really though, are we living in the end times?

all signs point to yes, just google it.

but by the same token, look back at history. depending on your interpretations of the text all signs could point to yes at almost any given time.

but hearing about russia and the economic crisis and the gas crisis and north korea and the congo and nuclear warfare and terrorism...well its just not quite so settling for the soul.

at the end of the day no one knows when the end of the world will be, or how it will go down, or perhaps if it will even occur at all, though most scholars and scientists agree that at some point some serious shit is gonna fly. the thought is far too much to handle for me. i like to believe that i will see the day i graduate college (though it appears to be sliding further and further from my grasp), the day i get married, have children, retire. i like to think that the work i am doing to day is in order to better myself in the future. i like to think its not all in vain.

i guess thats what suicide bombers think too.

so perhaps im being ignorant for turning the other cheek when it comes to some of these issues. perhaps that makes me unamerican. but i sleep at night. for someone with as much anxiety as i have its a valid enough excuse. global issues are important, politics are important, this election is of utmost importance, but i cant live my life in fear...for who knows how much longer any of us have to do so.

maroon five lyrics and things i can learn from the bf.

Ahoy there, I'm supposed to be studying for the midterm I have today so that I can go take it, go to a review session for the one I have tomorrow, and do it all over again! School and I don't mix so well these days, I honestly believe I expended all my academic energies in high school. I'm out of steam folks. No but really, I can't focus for anything, I'd really just rather be taking or retouching pictures i suppose. My adviser politely reminded me that I have two and a half years left here....ugh dont remind me about how im going to be here alone for a year. what am i going to do? better still, wtf are my friends going to be doing? theyll be out in the real world and such, a scary thought for sure, one i cant quite get my head around yet...so i wont.

even though its only midway through the semester, spring semester is already weighing heavily on my mind. if i dont make it into my program i could be here for three years or more trying to figure out what to do next. i have no backup plan, my backup plan is to not screw it up in the first place. perusing christian(who is now in the program at ut as if there was ever any doubt)'s blog, i thought a little bit about him and who i remember him to be. obviously he is extremely good at what he does, but other than natural talent, what makes him that way? can i break me off a piece of that for meself? we're working on this drawing now, and we've got to inject some meaning into it. im thinking back to my design classes and ut and having to make statements about politics or society or personal convictions. im thinking to my own photographic work, fallen by the wayside of weddings and cookie cutter work. and then its all clear to me what christian has that i dont, and perhaps the greatest thing that separates me from two and a half years, to three plus: i dont care about anything. ok, to be fair i do care about some things, but i dont have convictions, view points, i dont have something i want to tell the world about, im not trying to shed light on something people didnt realize or at least ignored before. and if there is one thing school has taught me a million times over, it is that the function of the artist is to bring to light something that needs to be seen and heard, to question ideas, to come up with new ones, to challenge conventions (or sometimes play into them) to prove a point?

do i have a point?

i know ive got something there inside me, i may not be a genius, but surely theres something other than apathy running around in my brain. what do i care about other than passing my classes and not screwing up relationships with those around me?

perhaps this is truly the first step in the artistic process. save your pencils and paper for later.

is it because i am a cultural idiot? how does one become cultured anyway? is it as simple as listening to npr constantly and reading nietzsche and then you can call it done? how do people learn all this stuff?

it appears ive got to find something to believe in and then go from there. and i guess that starts with me not caring so much about what people think about what i think.

i think this weekend i'll find my old little moleskine and start writing again.

in other news, i spent the better part of last weekend inundated with projects that didnt belong to me. frustrated with having to copy copyrighted images and creating logos that graphically didn't make sense i became angry with myself for allowing these things to be placed upon me. making new friends has been difficult because most girls are bitches and few care. the whole thing is quite frustrating. however the other day in the midst of my frustrations, I realized that I have a great example of how to be right in front of me: my boyfriend. i dont know anyone who doesnt like him. hes one of the kindest hearted people i know, and at the end of the day, people do appreciated his kindness and recognize it. he would give you the shirt off his back if he knew it would do something to help, and he doesnt think twice about it. perhaps it is not important to make bold statements of purpose or charm crowds with my extreme wit or knowledge.

maybe i need to just take a hint from someone right in front of me and just be nice. karma pays its way eventually right? i think so.

thats all the rantings and poorly punctuated sentences for today. im feeling so completely uninspired by my music collection lately that ive stopped listening altogether...suggestions are more than welcome : )

toodles

my knoxville

just so you know my lack of entries lately is completely due to the fact that i have not stood still for more than about five seconds, which generally isn't long enough to create blog entries, especially if youre as long winded as i am.

so while my wedding images are batch processing i'll finally sit down and collect my thoughts.

the past two weekends have consisted of constant travel and movement that has left me with some awesome memories, but completely exhausted.

returning to knoxville was a surreal experience, i knew it would be. seeing the haunts and dives i frequented now some nine months later gave me a feeling i can't quite describe. i'm not sure if I just believed that these things disappeared after i did or what. ultimately i feel that my relationship with knoxville is somewhat of an unfinished life. part of me is still there wondering how things would have played out if i had stuck it out. part of me is still there going to art classes and maybe part of me is still there, never really moving forward, just replaying and reliving the memories i have there on repeat over and over again.

the difference is that im not there anymore, there are new things i don't recognize, names of streets and buildings whose names, even after such a short time, i have forgotten. sloan has a new apartment now, its in a neighborhood i never knew existed until now, it's foreign to me.

all that made me realize that knoxville isn't what it is in my mind in reality. the memory of knoxville for what it was to me stays the same, save the pieces that fall away from my memory with time. the reality is it is a real city, with changing people, places and things. my life is different now, and in various ways so is everyone else's. it doesn't mean we are now strangers to one another, it just means we are living beings: we pack up, we move on, we deal with things as they come and that usually means making some changes. theres nothing wrong with it.

most people would probably think that i hate knoxville because of my experiences there. they think that now since im enjoying uga i am automatically a hardcore bulldog. what they dont know is all the good things that happened while i was there, all the good experiences i had. i wont even go into detail here because perhaps some of them are so small and "unimportant" no one else could possibly understand. perhaps more than anything, knoxville wasnt about what i did there, it was about what i became from being there.

thats my knoxville. the naive scared girl in a city she didnt know trying to figure herself and everyone else in the world out. running around the Old City like Mary Tyler Moore singing "you're gonna make it after all". attending intaligo classes and jogging by the river. everyone has their knoxville. that place and time that lives on within them, an endless continuum that despite its flaws lies perfect in their mind because it is remembered not for what happened, but what it was.

twenty-one

this time last year:

"twenty is a scary number, but i think im so caught up in everything else im feeling right now i really cant be upset about anything else. the strong realization that im growing up with surely hit me eventually. twenty is scary but twenty one is fun. i hope that twenty one treats me a little better. but until then all I can hope for another wonderful year on Gods green earth."

what a difference a year makes, and i can't even believe its been a year. my life this past year has been such a blur of things not worth remembering, and things i'd rather forget that i cant believe its already come and gone.

so here i sit at the final cornerstone of youth: twenty-one.

i think i used to be far more sentimental about these things, then i realized they happen whether you dwell on them or not, youre far better off just living your life instead of just thinking about the days that have passed.

i feel inclined to do something crazy sometime soon, this is a most important occasion, saying goodbye to all constraints of adolescence...if only i had something crazy to do haha.

crazy or not, today is my day. tonight i'll sit down for dinner with some really awesome people, perhaps not reveling so much in another passing year, or a mile marker of age, but how far i've come, how far we've come in a year's time.

woohooo...nobody knows it

fall is coming, i can feel it. it might be a colder winter than normal if it's already cooling off. my birthday is soon, 21 is old. i love special occasions like this, particularly birthdays just because it's the one day of the year where you get to be completely selfish. however, as per usual something that should be fun has turned into something else for me to be utterly stressed over. i wish i could just turn my mind off like everyone else seems to be able to do. i wish i had my priorities in line. it's obvious i don't. that and my birthday is falling at like the worst time ever.

ive got to finish this drawing soon, but dear God, a 36x48 picture of myself? even i feel thats a bit narcissistic, and I'm the one presently typing out my woes and minute thoughts and feelings to an online audience that probably doesn't care. i just need to do it, get it done. that and that stupid geography lab that doesn't make sense to me. i need to get organized as per usual.

where do people find motivation to do all these things? to keep trying when its not working, to go through the every day, to adapt? do you all just take drugs or something? i'm not really into drugs and such, i'll have to find my own way. but how do you pick yourself up of the ground, and stop thinking about it and start doing it?

wake up and smell the coffee.

i just dont think im cut out for college.

it must just be me.

thats my new theorem.

but if it is me, then it must not be here, and it must not be there. it is me.

which means changes in tides come from changes within.

not of place but of me.

my experience is proportional to my willingness to receive it.

therefore:

this gets good iff (sic) i let it.

i wish i didnt feel so paralyzed all the time. why do i feel this way when ive really never been freer in my life? ive fallen into a place where i feel like i dont have much to offer other people, besides perhaps wedding photography packages. but ive got to find some good in myself. i dont even really know what its going to be, but surely God has blessed me with some other assets besides photography skills, flaming hair and intermediate-level baking skills, surely right? if i let this stay, it only gets worse, i already know this.

how is it that i just got here and ive already got to start thinking about next semester, and the next semester and the rest of my life? don't you think this is all a little quick for a person? i hate the fact that in this area i am not allowed to choose my own destiny. this means giving up control. i dont like that. somehow the rest of my career is dictated by what someone else thinks of me and my work. believe me, if you had to do this, youd be freaking out too. i just dont understand why one of the least practical, lowest salary-making and least prestigious of all majors on campus is also probably one of the most pretentious and haughty. its like the art program knows it has a small dick so it just makes up for it by being a complete ass to everyone to make itself feel better.

i probably shouldnt say that about my institute of higher education.

i dont really want to go to drawing right now. hopefully we will draw the whole time, but i doubt we will. i just cant stand sitting through hours of critique, perhaps its because im insecure myself.

to do list:
grocery shopping
buy a plane ticket
clean the apartment
figure out what im doing with my life

so people have been asking me, did i survive my first week in athens?

suffices to say that i did indeed. despite missing every bus i needed to be on, the runaround with the book store, the horrible self portrait im hopefully going to finish tomorrow (obviously ink is not my medium), a scary doctors appointment, and scoping out all the much more beautiful girls downtown on friday and feeling the ever-pressing need to go shopping, lose weight and plastic surgerize myself until i look like someone else, i am still alive.

and all in all it has been pretty good. i think my classes are manageable and im happy with my living situation. if i could just curb these chocolate cravings without satiating them, id be good to go.

being here is just...easier. perhaps easier is wrong, perhaps easier means lazy or unresponsive to challenges. the way i see it, theres not much sense in putting yourself through hell if you dont have to.

im stronger for my experiences, now its time for a break.

i had a wonderful weekend. i worked on my drawings, did a little, but not too much, homework. went out and listened to music with some of my friends, and spend saturday evening eating tapas and passing out early with jordan. i have a feeling this is supposed to be more what college is about. this is what ive been missing.

meanwhile, ive been thinking hard about what comes next for me. its time i produced some personal work, so im wracking my brain trying to come up with something cohesive. id like to produce some gallery quality work sometime soon. maybe even get it up in a gallery somewhere around here. im finally starting to feel like things like this are not an impossible dream.

its nice.

ps. my first announcement to the world of my latest venture, a photography blog. i have already signed on to shoot a web designer's wedding in january, so i should have a real working awesome website in a few months. this photo blog will be attached to the website, so consider it a business, rather than a personal, venture. excuse the corny entries, as i said, its a business site therefore it is much more grammatically and politically correct than this internet insanity here. lmk what you think. for your consideration: my photo blog

Takeoffs and Landings

This whole going to school thing five days a week kinda sucks haha. Or perhaps its just that pretty much all of my classes don't interest me. I get asked if I'm a freshman all the time because I'm constantly looking at my bus map. I'm sure one day I'll appreciate this blunder of others thinking I am younger than I am. Not today though. I get much more sleep now. At least eight hours every night. I wake up early because my body cant sleep anymore and the bags under my eyes that have been there for what seems like forever are gone. I crave chocolate all the time. I see people I know around from high school and its always awkward unless i really know them. Some guy yelled at me at walmart for wearing a ut hat. i come home from class to my "office" and work on stuff for clients, ive become a productive little mother fucker. my roomates probably think im a hermit. i probably am. as the weekend approaches i get that same anxious feeling i used to get in tennessee. that what the fuck am i going to do with myself for two point five days feeling. i have no desire to wander through some random person's house party in order to make contacts here.

im probably just being too cynical. its what i do best.

Well I am here. Tomorrow is the first day of class and I just wanted to write a bit to document all this. So far is has been good, if nothing else I've had peers around which is a change for me. A little boring. I think I need to get used to the college life again. Everything up until now has been going going going until you can't anymore, I'm not accustomed to this slowness, makes me feel a little lazy even. I wish I could just push all my anxieties aside. Not just the ones about being here or starting anew, I'm talking about everything. I have a phone interview with a groom in ten minutes and with that and everything else that is going on I'm starting to feel that claustrophobic feeling.

I can do this. All of it.

Breathe Me.

Let me just start by saying that Michael Phelps is awesome, and I have felt this way longer than most adoring "Phelps Phans." I love the Olympics, the idea is fascinating to me. To think that the whole world is coming together for a few weeks to share these moments is just such an interesting concept. At the same time it's a little scary, I've always found any sort of globalization a little unnerving. Perhaps I'm too much of a fundamentalist, but to have so many people from so many different nations together in one place seems like a volatile situation. I visited one of my favorite pastimes the other night and wikipedia'd the Olympics. Somewhere along the way via links here and there I found myself reading articles about the Unibomber and the apocalypse and gray goo and black holes. Interesting connections, I'd say.

I have spent the past few weeks being very happy and enjoying not working, but being extremely exhausted and sometimes even overwhelmed with everything that's going on. The moving/transferring process has proved to be stressful of course, but stress isn't always such a bad thing.

Ultimately, I am just ready to move on. I am ready to stop talking so much and start actually doing. I am ready to start fulfilling the promises I made to myself and I'm ready to enjoy myself without so much worry. This has been an interesting year to say the least, but I don't think I would really change anything. Sure, I could switch things around such that they were easier for me, or so that I didn't have to go through difficult situations, or live a somewhat different life than my peers for awhile, but those things all made me stronger. Everything has taught me something and everything has played some kind of important role. I overcame big emotional barriers, I attended commuter college, I lived at home with no peers around, I worked and went to school and that was about it, I moved back in with my parents, I'm still alive haha. These are all things I can add to the repertoire of my experiences. I feel that the larger collection of experiences you have, the better off you are. Did you really think I was going to take the conventional route to get where I needed to be anyway? If so, you must not know me very well. Perhaps for me that was the conventional route, perhaps it's just my nature to be a bit of a wanderer.

I'm okay with it, that's the first step.

the luckiest

carry on my wayward son
there'll be peace when you are done
lay your weary head to rest
don't you cry no more.

hell yes i just quoted a late seventies classic rock song that may or may not even be a good song, i'm not sure haha. i enjoy listening to the music of my parents' time, i think its interesting to see what is and what is not able to transcend the generations, it makes me feel like i have something greater in common with them, it is an unspoken presence of sorts.

im writing tonight because i just kind of need a quiet place to sit and sort out my thoughts. things have been very busy andn stressful lately. im sure theyll continue to be busy, but hopefully the stressful part will subside a bit. this is one of the first years i can say i am genuinely 100% excited for school, real school. not community college commuting weirdness. real college again. im not scared or concerned about anything anymore. im just going. i dont really have time for all the bullshit of that stuff. the truth is im absolutely completely exhausted. in the past year ive experienced and overcome what i would classify as depression. ive made some big changes coming home, and then i worked myself to death.

its no one's fault, its what i wanted, but i am literally exhausted.

perhaps im being selfish or over dramatic or however you want to classify it, but i feel like i deserve this. this time to be with friends and make new ones and enjoy my days, and study what i love and just not have to care about anything too serious. maybe im wrong, but i just feel like its belongs to me at this point, like somehow ive earned that badge of honor.

i read an article about lucky people. apparently theyre not lucky at all. they just have a much better outlook than i do.

so im going to try. its going to be tough, but i hope to look at things in a more positive light. not freak out until something is actually currently presently happening that is worth freaking out over, and to take things one day at a time. read a book or two. go back to the basics. stop spending so much f*cking time on facebook. start swimming again. start this film stills project that has been banging around in my head for years and is finally manifesting itself into some coherent ideas. stop with these bodacious eating habits that sit somewhere between a slight case of anorexia and bulimia minus the vomiting and the laxatives. get some sleep. there are so many things i want to do, and there is no time like the present. now all i have to do is truly convince myself of these things, and even more so live them out.

night moves.

oh john mayer, i question your sense of judgment and character and i have no idea who you are, but youll always have a special place in my heart. i flipped through our sophomore yearbook at robyns tonight, and what a truly strange experience it was. funny how much has changed in the two years since i last saw many of the faces scattered across those pages. listening to john and looking through the book brought back so many memories. its funny whats forgotten and whats remembered about certain places and times, and its interesting to see what you can get back in fleeting moments like tonight. now i cant tell you what i remembered, for ive already forgotten it, but just for a second i was there wherever there is. i dont like being the dweller that i often am, but sometimes it is a necessary vantage point to see how far youve come.

we've come a long way baby.

for the past 2 years, ive been waiting. waiting to start a new life, waiting for visits home, waiting for something to change, waiting for someone to reach out, waiting for resolution, waiting to become my own person, then waiting for the depression to fall, then waiting to get the hell out of dodge, then waiting for a job, then waiting for release and now waiting to get the hell out of dodge again.

all this waiting is enough to make a girl go nuts. all this sitting still and thinking; well theres a lot going through my mind.

im starting to feel the warmth rising through my chest. the gulp i cant keep down, an uneasiness that you cant resist because after the disgust comes the relief of knowing youve let everything out.

this is the creative vomit i once spoke of here.

i have ideas, and i just might be ready to create again.

i'm sleepy! just wanted to share some photos before i delete them off my computer. tonight, i'm doing something scary...going on the other side of the lens! i used to love being in front of the camera, like i was some damn supermodel or something, now the prospect is scary and uncomfortable. i think its that whole high school mentality, thinking that you're super hot shit and that youre going to take over the world. two years later, i now realize i am neither hot shit nor taking over the world, but i can still be happy. in time i have learned some very important things. when i got out of high school, i had dreams of becoming this celebrity photographer who traveled all over the world, perhaps guest judged on ANTM and had pieces in the permanent collection at MoMA. im a hard worker, and when i see something i want, i become obsessed with making it work until i have it just as i hoped for it. the problem was, in all this hoping and trying and struggling, i lost the fun of it all. in my desperate plight to make something of myself it all became so much work and stress that wasnt even necessary. and if that is all the case, what exactly is the point? the thought of having to struggle my way through new york city carrying shit down the streets and becoming the receptical of someone elses frustrations and complaints in order to make barely enough money to live off of while financing $30,000 cameras and $10,000 lights...i dont know, perhaps its just not me.

i wonder sometimes if it was never really a battle to do anything or have any particular profession as it was to make myself do whatever i could to not have just a normal or average life.

that part hasnt faded. i still dont want a normal life. but now, its more about being happy than anything else. enjoying the ride and being satisfied. its not about giving up dreams or dealing with the "reality" of life, its adapting to yourself and your surroundings. its knowing what your capable of and who you are. ill deal with the rest later, i just want to have fun now.

ps: i so want to be this girl
weddings and fashion in NYC? hello dream job!

under the osaka sun.

this part of summer always seems to be the scary part. the daunting part no one is really sure what to do with. the awkward part where its not fresh and new, but its not quite over. i've always dreaded this part of summer. the long days and night of heat and humidity and not much else, but this year is different, this year im so excited to be to this part.

only two weeks left at the the envy, and then i'm free at last. free from sitting behind a desk all day and dealing with angry customers. ive got a few trips planned, and my friends from ut are coming to visit. and for the first time in a long time, going back to school doesnt scare me.

perhaps im finally ready this time.

this whole process has been a great lesson. a lesson in dealing with other people. a lesson in when to be selfish and when to give yourself up. a lesson in what you need and what you dont need. a lesson in who you need and who you dont need. i feel like in my college experience of living with others outside of my family, i have seen how different people live their lives, and its a realization that not everyone approaches things in exactly the same way. it just goes to show me, that these lessons i have learned, i learned them via the best process for me. perhaps not the most efficient process, or the most conventional, or the prettiest, but this was my personal way of handling what i knew i ultimately had to do. and in my mind, theres nothing wrong with taking the best road for you.

so when i do get to school, it will be different, i will approach things differently with a different attitude. but knowing who and what i need in my life, i will do this on my own terms now. it's my turn.

i have worked tirelessly and hard for what i have, now is no time to give up, but this time around im enjoying myself. life is far too short.

Play time for stupid Americans.

I should be getting ready for work right now. I'm working 35 hours this week at my PART TIME job haha. Not really part time if you ask me. But it's ok, I will be happy to have the money in my pocket come next year. The past few weeks have been a completely exhausting mish mash of overbooked work schedules, crudely thrown dinner parties, and some good times in between. It's hotel angie time again, but this year has a different feel for it than the past two. Perhaps since I've lived on my own it's not really a big deal that I'm living alone for a bit again. Plus I've been so utterly busy with work I have no time to think about much of anything. With all the fray and the run around I still can't help but hope that one day I can steal a few hours of an afternoon or evening to myself with nothing to do, no plans, no obligations, no other people around and play a little bit. The kind of play where a paintbrush hits the paper or scissors, paper and glue become a masterpiece. Not done for money or assignment, but for myself. Gas prices are rising, war is happening, the election is a damn chicken fight, tomatoes are making people sick, cancer is on the rise with no cure in sight, death cab's album kinda sucked, and the economy continues to plummet downward, but I just can't deal with that today. The media loves to create chaos out of even the most mundane situations, and I kinda can't handle it anymore. You can call me ignorant for choosing to turn the other cheek, for refusing to play into this madness, but I'm tired of worrying myself sick over global issues that are largely out of my control. Maybe I am just a stupid American, but I'm young, and right now, I just want to play.

PS I dont think I want to be a commercial photographer anymore. If you're getting married let me know : )