theres nothing worse than being sick on your first real day of summer. i cant help but superstitiously believe that this is some kind of sick omen that is hanging over my summer, bringing the ultra sunny forecast of heartache with a 90 percent chance of sadness.

but no. that's not a good way to think. its summer time to get happy.

i also decided to from now on screw ambiguity in this blog. the people who read it probably already know the real story anyways, so there's no use in tiptoeing around the real issues going on inside my head for the sake of making sure my deepest secrets dont get out. and for those of you who dont know all my secrets, you just got a free ticket right into the heart of me...enjoy the show!

so i havent really started working yet at any of my three jobs, which is kinda nice to be able to have a little time of...i'll start at Haigwood in a week or two, and i'll start with nasa as soon as my boss emails me...and then magnolias is always up in the air. so this week is really mostly about a few things:

*going to the gym and trying to get my body back in order after three weeks of bouts of binging and starvation and meals within which the highest nutrient-providing aspect was the peanut m and m's shoved down before hitting the dance floor.

*catching up on sleep. not only did i go so hard this past weekend that i pretty much got no sleep, but i honestly can't remember the last time i went to bed before 11 o clock. i used to be so good, but someone made me so bad.

*helping my mom get ready for her trip. w00t no parents!

*thinking too much. my heart is in two different places. i'm in love. its a mistake i know im making. this brings inner confliction.

one night. five parties. good times.

i am utterly exhausted b/c im so tired i can't sleep so its this crazy cycle of insomnia and party food. i need to lay off the lays and m & m's.

so now its summer and i totally didn't even realize it. it's funny how quickly things change in your mind. in the course of the last 24 hours, my outlook has completely changed. i feel stronger and more powerful, but definitely sad. i know what i want so badly, but i just know its not going to happen, and now i know i need to work on being ok with that fact.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

i deserve good things. this is something i have recently realized. i don't think im conceited or out of line for saying that. i've been told i let people walk all over me and let them take more from me than they give in return, and i'm wondering if maybe they're right.

alex told me once that he admired me for my optimism and positive outlook. i've never really considered myself an optimist, but whatev. but at this point i'm wondering if maybe optimism is a bad thing. i mean sometimes it seems like optimism is just you lying to yourself and making yourself believe in things that aren't real and make things seem better than they are. optimism is ignoring the fact that bad things are out there and youre setting yourself up to get hurt. maybe its better just to recognize the prescence of these bad things and avoid hurt later. i hate that it has to be like this.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

now the question is what is the right thing to do?

i'm pretty sure its gonna hurt, but i don't know the answer right now. ask me in two weeks.

well it is all over now.

i have to say last night was one of the weirdest nights of my life. graduation itself is quite the bizarre experience, just because in the end it was the parents acting like little kids waving frantically in their twinsets and bermuda shorts from the stands while we all looked on very calm collected, and formally dressed. walking around the field after it was all over was also quite the experience. knowing that the often random people that i sat next to in lunch or in world history would be the very people i would never speak to again. it is strange how you can so quickly go from having a very personal and meaninful and close relationship with someone you see on a daily basis to being perfect strangers once your schedules change with the new semester.

so now everyone's schedule changes and i'm left to wonder if absolutely all of my friends will fade out of my life just like Megan Scherer, my used-to-be best friend turned lunch buddy when i didn't have anyone to sit with in the 10th grade. will we all just fade from each other like that?

last nights weirdness dealt not only with the graduation ceremony, but also the ride there. being squished between our salutatorian matt fischer and big mac daddy bri in a startling deja vu of prom night limo ride was quite interesting. hey we beat jordan there in the end, or should i say daniel webb.

after graduation and dessert at the rasmusens' house, there was the box digging up. of course we are retards and put it right next to a lake that has risen over the location of said box numerous times in the past four years. wow the intelligence is astounding. it was quite anticlimactic b/c so much was destroyed. most of the papers and things were illegible, but some of the notes of poems about mr. mize and little notes about bill and all those adventures were still in tact enough.

the night finally reached an orgasmic climax of weirdness when jenny and i proceeded, against warnings of two friends telling us not to go, to go to rq's party. o my that was some crazy stuff. and you ask me why i dont partake in the beverages...just look at these kids. it was at 5 am when i have alex's cell phone down my shirt and am covered in tortillas in robin's hopefully not soiled bed that i wonder to myself "what are you doing here? is this how you imagined your graduation night turning out? spending the evening coercing alex out of calling everyone in her phonebook and sharing stories about laffy taffy with jenny m?"

the answer is no. but what else was i supposed to do. from senior breakfast to what happened after that to graduation to the after parties, everything was completely strange. and that is how i know everything is right in the world. nothing is right.

i have recieved one yearbook entry and one card for graduation that have made known feelings someone had towards me that are much stronger that i realized. isn't it interesting how people sometimes wait until the last minute to say what they mean? is it out of fear of rejection? i think that we miss out on so much when we do this because what might have been will always reign king in the back of our minds. i would react positively towards either of these two propositions, but i can't help but wonder if its all too late of if the timing is just wrong. letting someone know how you feel 5 minutes too late: these are the types of things people regret in their lives.

im quickly realizing that this is a long entry, but i'm running on about 5 hours of sleep right now and when i dont sleep i get emo and think too much. last night was graduation after all.

so now graduation is over but all the other stuff isnt, and the magnitude of my situation won't hit me until it is. but until then i am slowly realizing that not only did i just graduate, school is out. those are two totally different things, by the way, and it means i have a full summer ahead of me to have a blast that i kinda didnt realize i had. let the good times roll.

unfortunately i can't help but approach this situation with an smidge of worry and uncertainty. i dont know what is going to happen next b/c at least up until now i was just worrying about the future of my whole little situation and not the present cause in the present there were structured rules i had to follow and i knew what was going on. i no longer no what is going on. i dont know how the future of my situation looks and i dont know how this is all going to play out. im scared b/c i know exactly what i want and i'm about 99% sure im not going to get what i want and to the selfish angie, this is a very disheartening fact.

pick me. choose me. love me.

why cant i just go about anything in the normal way? why can't i just eat my food like a normal person, not a scanvenging bird? why can't i be in loved the way everyone else is? something is obviously wrong with me.

a baby sleeps in all our bones so scared to be alone.

well i have reached the end.

someday in the future i will look back and recognize the magnitude of today. i will go back over the memories i forgot to review. i will think about all my regrets. all the people i forgot to say goodbye to and will probably never see again. the innocence lost. the regrets. the laughs in the cafeteria. the freedom and comfort of knowing your parents will always bail you out.

in the future i will think about these things and think about how i forgot to think and reflect upon them tonight.

but it is not the future yet.

so thus tonight i will go put on a rediculous looking outfit and go out into the sweltering heat for a few hours to recieve a scroll of paper. i will not think about all the important things. those will hit me later. the ride is over, and i dont even know it.

"first night of your life
curled up on your own"

If i could do anything right now what would i do you ask?

well curious reader, i would go outside somewhere out in the nowhere part of town where you can see the stars and there are big open fields with huge old trees, a place where you cant quite decide if its super sketchy or super beautiful.

my two favorite things to do at night when its nice out are swimming and talking and walking wih someone i love.

there's something about night that makes people become more of who they are. its like the darkness serves as a mask that allows us to believe that in the morning, all that was said and done will not neccesarily be forgotten completely, but rather written off and excused. the required excuse being nothing more than "it was late at night" or the like. the night makes people talk deeply and get philosophical with each other. the night makes true feelings come out. the night makes people want to party. the night sometimes makes me sleepy and sometimes makes me feel so alive there's no way i could miss a second to sleep. the night brings dreams, which are apparently just suppressed and unexpressed desires of our day lives. the night makes me want to be in love a lot. night is both simple and complex and it is my favorite time of day.

tonight was honors night. many many honors were had. i should know, i sat through all two hours of it. however, i did think it was cool to see all the accomplishments of people. kinda makes you see a little more good in people you may not have seen in such a positive light. i was recognized for a scholarship i got, and surprisingly got the department award for TAG. that was definitely unexpected. and i know youre supposed to think these awards are stupid and not take them seriously, but this award really does mean a lot to me. i mean directed study isnt exactly supposed to be a rigorous difficult academic class, but there were countless times that i put the work i did for that class ahead of academic work and i certainly put a lot more energy and personal investment into my TAG endeavors. for this reason it means a lot to me to see my efforts recognized.

one more day. i think i should be freaking out about this or getting insanely excited about friday or even just the fact that summer is starting in just a few days. but to be completely honest, i just feel numb. each day is just another day. i think this is wrong.

but thats the way we get by.

well today was the last regular day of high school.

kelley and i hung out a little after school and we were both in the worst mood ever and both didnt know why...we had no reason to be angry, we just were. some days are like that. today was a bitchy day i suppose.

i have more ants in my pants than before. it's horrible!!! remember those stupid Lays commercials in the 90's? "Betcha can't eat just one...bag" ? Thats me right now, got a little taste, and no im going insane.

ah well, im ok, i'll be just fine by myself.

im gonna miss lunch. when lindsay cone was singing her song at bacc. she sang about laughing until you cried. thats what really got me about that song was what really got me about that song because it reminded me of all the days (pretty much everyday) laughing at something stupid until we cried. its crazy how four people who hated sitting with each other last year have the best time together this year, usually talking about something sexual which is apparently my fault, whateva they like it. bananas, SAD, "hello howare you", prom dates, internet stalkers, oprah's advice, explosive periods, potatoes oh potatoes, and so much more...we're so on drugs, i love it. let the people stare, they deserve a show and im happy to proivde it. after all i am a fucking ass shit bitch.


There's really no way to reach me (x3)
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

There's really no way to reach me (x2)
Is there really no way to reach me?
Am I already...

So this is your maverick
This is Vienna

im in this strange mental state somewhere between utter bliss and complete heartache. this weekend was nothing short of amazing, i had such a great time with all my friends just hanging out and hanging on to what's left. its scary and exciting all at one time.

you know what sucks about these blogs? theyre supposed to be an outlet for expression, but they can never be a complete outlet for expression, b/c what u write is on the internet, so youre always censoring what u say b/c u know anyone in the whole wide world could read it if they really wanted to. i cant say what i really feel and whats really going on and what i really think b/c this is the internet. im pouring my heart out to the world wide web, everyone look at me!

i'm scared and the pessimist in me says step back youre looking for trouble.

and this is when i know i should just cease thinking.

exactly one week on the clock.

one week and i'll never have to follow a school dress code, be restricted on cell phone use, be counted tardy, have my mom pack my lunch, and store my stuff in my locker ever again.

its the little things that really matter in the end.

so i've been walking around getting all these people to sign my yearbook, and as im reading, much of the stuff is the same. so many have said that they thought of me as this very nice, but shy and outspoken person in the past, but that i have come out of my shell and they have really enjoyed getting to know me. this is an interesting thought. i know this year has been a pretty big year for me, i've gotten to know a lot of new and interesting and great people and to be dorkily honest i think a lot of that has to do with my photography (of course i think everything in my life is a result of the photography, haha). taking pictures as much as i do i feel ive made a name for myself. i guess that sounds conceited but its given something for people to know me for and has served as grounds for numerous new relationships. i am grateful to have been given the abilities and opportunities i have to be able to be where i am today and to do what i do. it's an awesome ride and each day is fun, exciting, and wonderful. if i could wake up with the one i love beside me each day i'd be happy as a bump on a stick, believe it.

we live in a beautiful world, yeah we do, yeah we do.

i have ants in my pants...and no i dont mean that literally and its not an std. im ready to do this. i'm ready for june and all it will be. im ready to do that one thing i know i must do otherwise risky permanent insanity.

its gonna be a good next few weeks i have a feeling.

i just got one of those annoying "foward this to all your friends or you'll get hit by a train tomorrow" bulletines on myspace, but it was actually kinda funny. Basically it said to add "during sex to any song name and its funny, kinda like the whole "in bed" fortune cookie thing...lets take a look at some of the best off my top 25 most played list on itunes shall we?

1. what hurts the most [during sex]
2. wisemen [during sex]
3. passing afternoon [during sex]
4. playground love [during sex]
5. naked as we came [during sex]
6. the best thing [during sex]
7. i need a hero [during sex]
8. cinder and smoke [during sex]
9. sitting, waiting, wishing [during sex]
10. youre beautiful [during sex]
11. power out [during sex]
12. i will follow you into the dark [during sex]
13. each coming night [during sex]
14. fever dream [during sex]
15. life is wonderful [during sex]
16. who did you think i was [during sex]
17. simple things [during sex]

haha that was a fun little distraction from my geology packet. school is a placeholder for something better to do during the day at this point. im signing yearbooks, eating too much, reading fight club, and trying my hardest to remember to tie up all the loose ends that i know many of which i never will.

just take it all in, you never get it back.

oh and by the way, temptations a bitch with no regards for what's right or good. yet it alludes me constantly, its everywhere i am and its starting to get to me.

Ok i swear this is the last one of these...theyre kinda fun when youre bored but im thinking this blog is self-absorbed enough as is. : )
Eye Color::	Blueish greenish
Hair Color::	red
Height::	5'4.25"
Favorite Color::	Purple
Screen Name::	gusthewhale
Favorite Band::	thats a really hard choice to make...i dont like to pic faves but for the moment its safe to say death cab for cutie.
Favorite Movie::	garden state, i also really love the virgin suicides...kinda morbid huh? haha
Favorite Show::	grays anatomy! scandal in the hospital what could be better!
Your Car::	2004 jetta in sexy silver yeahyah
Your Hometown::	Sylacauga, AL
Your Present Town::	Roswell GA
Your Crushes First Name::	wouldnt u like to know
Your Grade::	12
Your Style::	preppy meets bohemian meets artist meets vintage meets wtf are u wearing
* . . Have You Ever . . *
Sat on your rooftop?:	no my mom wont let me but by golly one of these days...
Kissed someone in the rain?:	damnnn....thats pretty much a secret wish of mine
Danced in a public place?:	im dancing 24-7
Smiled for no reason?:	i smile and laugh at really inappropriate times about inappropriate things...it doesnt take much to crack me up and many think im crazy for how much and at what i laugh sometimes ...haha
Laughed so hard you cried?:	come to 3rd period lunch on ANY given day and u will see this occur.
Peed your pants after age 8?:	probably (reference previous question for reason why)
Written a song?:	not anything that was worth remembering when filling out internet surveys
Sang to someone for no reason?:	i wish i could say no
Performed on a stage?:	yeahhhh about that...
Talked to someone you don't know?:	probably a little too often
Gone out of your way to befriend someone?:	yeah
Made out in a theatre?:	i dont like to be in movie theaters at all much less swap spit in them
Gone roller skating since 8th grade?:	no : (
Been in love?:	sweet torture that it is yes..
* . . Who was the last person to . . *
Say HI to you?:	JMO
Tell you, I love you?:	My mommmm
Kiss you?:	wouldnt u like to know Introduce themselves to you: Jeremy Joslin and Gentry Morris (*swoon*)
Hug you?:	My dad, im really cool
Tell you BYE?:	my mom just went to kroger i bet she's havin an awesome time
Write you a note?:	yousuf got bored and made me a mad crazy doodle
Take your photo?:	ummm robyn took my pic at the dance athon i guess
Call your cell phone?:	JMO
Buy you something?:	umm i tend to be the one doing the buying... i should change that
Go with you to the movies?:	rq, sarah, alex, anna
Sing to you?:	kelley sings aloud a lot, but not usually to me, more like at me
Write a poem about you?:	.if someone is reading this and has written a poem about me please post it as a comment id absolutely love to read it : )
Text message you?:	kelley
Touch you?:	woah what kinda touching are we talkin about?
* . . What's the last . . *
Time you laughed?:	a little while ago when i accidentally drank sprite and almost died and had to spit it out the window while driving
Time you cried?:	a week or two ago, it was good tears this time though...someone said something really sweet to me
Movie you watched?:	haha garden state
Joke you told?:	i dont telll jokes i amm the joke
Song you've sang?:	so long jenny by james blunt
Time you've looked at the clock?:	7:32
Drink you've had?:	pink lemonade
Number you've dialed?:	uh i dont remember
Book you've read?:	kinda on the road kinda not
Food you've eaten?:	fried chicken oh thats really bad i need some nutrition action up in here
Flavor of gum chewed?:	"polar ice"
Shoes you've worn?:	teva Flip Flops
Store you've been in?:	parisians
Thing you've said?:	parisians
* . . Can You . . *
Write with both hands?:	NO
Whistle?:	not really
Blow a bubble?:	oh yeah
Roll your tounge in a circle?:	yes..its sexy..
Cross your eyes?:	yes...its not sexy...
Touch your tounge to your nose?:	no but wouldnt the world be a better place if i could?
Dance?:	like u wouldnt believe
Gleek?:	not quite
Stay up a whole night without sleep?:	im pretty nocturnal
Speak a different language?:	four years of spanish really doesnt mean anything.
Impersonate someone?:	im good at southern accents cause i kinda have one
Prank call people?:	no im too retarded
Make a card pyramid?:	..everytime i try..i fail...
Cook anything?:	i try
* . . Finish The Line . . *
If i was a ... sculptor, but then again, no
I wish ...:	you were mine
So many people don't know that ...:	.theres a lot more to me than what they think
I am ...:	a living breathing contradiction and a beautiful disaster
My heart is ...:	hard on the outside and soft and delicate within

BEST PICKUPLINE EVER::oh so i see youre into photography...so am i

Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	-there's gotta be irish in there somewhere
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Flipflops
Your Weakness:	-chocolate, cute dresses, boys with guitars
Your Fears:	-heights, speed, failure, heartbreak
Your Perfect Pizza:	i love it alll
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	not completely fail at college, have a good time, be a better photographer, be in love
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	haha
Thoughts First Waking Up:	you gotta be kidding me
Your Best Physical Feature:	i always get compliments on my hair from random old women so ill go with that
Your Bedtime:	too late
Your Most Missed Memory:	its personal
Pepsi or Coke:	water : )
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Neither
Single or Group Dates:	single if the date's good
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	CHOCOLATE
Cappuccino or Coffee:	havent grown into coffee yet and thats ok
Do you Smoke:	nooooo
Do you Swear:	only at times of crucial emphasis or humor
Do you Sing:	only in the car when its so loud that i cant hear myself
Do you Shower Daily:	yep
Have you Been in Love:	im lucky...i am right now
Do you want to go to College:	headed off in 3 months
Do you want to get Married:	yeahh im a hopeless romantic
Do you belive in yourself:	not really
Do you get Motion Sickness:	-not badly
Do you think you are Attractive:	no
Are you a Health Freak:	haha thats funny
Do you get along with your Parents:	pretty good up till now
Do you like Thunderstorms:	YES! they are realllllly sexy
Do you play an Instrument:	i played piano for 5 years
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	nah
In the past month have you Smoked:	nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	there was a lot of acetomedaphene involved
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no : (
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yeah today actually
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	ok yes i am a fat kid, but geez not a whole box...i prefer famous amos's
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	never had it
In the past month have you been on Stage:	yeah i took my ap econ test on the auditorium stage haha tomorrow ill be on stage for the yb dedication...YB 06!!!
In the past month have you been Dumped:	nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	uhhh no...haha i had to think about that one
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	does stealing someone's heart count? haha, it would still be a no...i did steal some gum from robyns purse though
Ever been Drunk:	u wish
Ever been called a Tease:	everyday
Ever been Beaten up:	i got kicked in the stomach once
Ever Shoplifted:	noooooo
How do you want to Die:	happy
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	a photographer
What country would you most like to Visit:	anywhere...australia, papa new guinea, great britain, italy, spain, greece, ireland so many places
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	as long as it looks pretty
Favourite Hair Color:	whatever fits him
Short or Long Hair:	whatever fits him
Height:	not shorter than me
Weight:	not a tub a lard
Best Clothing Style:	whatever fits him...my parents would frown upon something weird looking, but all the better i suppose
Number of Drugs I have taken:	none
Number of CDs I own:	lots that i want to borrow and he lets me : )
Number of Piercings:	none
Number of Tattoos:	not too many
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	i dont regret...i make bad choices, but never have regrets

5/13/06 10:21am
Last night was one of those nights where u do something and youre not really sure why but in the end it works out pretty good. the dance a thon was pretty lame as expected, but when alex got there the party got started. yes i am a loser, but after going to two proms i have decided that despite my major lack of skill, i really love to dance. robyn and i saw it as our duty as two of about six seniors there to be the biggest sluts on the dance floor and i have to say we did a pretty good job, we definently caught the eye of that dude in the jersey, haha. bathroom pix with erin and jordan and heather were also a highlight...i love u girls you are awesome. screw 06, class of 07 rocks!

i'm working all day today come visit me and get a burritto, i hear theyre good. : )

First Name:	Angela
Middle Name:	Lynn
Birthday:	09/09/1987
Eyes:	greenish blueish
Hair:	spicy red!
Fav color:	purple lurple
Day/Night:	nighttime in the summer on the back porch
Fave Food:	grilled cheese sandwhiches
FRIENDS AND LIFE
Do you ever wish you had another name?	not really i think my name's alright.
Do you like anyone?	yeahhhh ill admit it
Which one of your friends acts the most like you?	ummm robyn and i are both really weird...oh wait all of my friends are weird
Who's the loudest?	ummm prob sarah
Who have you known the longest of your friends?	the kellinator
Who's the shyest:	umm robyn?
Are you close to any family members?	kinda my mom i guess
When you cried the most:	when i moved here ...haha
What's the best feeling in the world:	eating good food and laughing and being around the ones you love...and really deep meaningful conversations.
Worst Feeling:	getting your heart broken and getting bad news
FINISH EACH SENTENCE:
Let's walk on the:	wild side
Let's run through:	the sprinklers!
Let's look at the:	stars
What a nice:	bass you have there
Where did all the:	cowboys go?
Why can't you:	just leave me alone!
Silly, little:	cookie
HAVE YOU:
Ran away from home:	nope
Pictured your crush naked:	haha define pictured
Skipped school:	oh me? neverrrr
Broken someone's heart:	i think i might have on accident but i think it turned out ok...i hope?
Been in love:	afraid so
Cried when someone died:	yes
Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have:	everyday
Done something embarrassing:	everything i do is embarrasing in some way shape or form
Done a drug:	never
Cried in school:	a looong time ago
RANDOM
Your Good Luck Charm:	i dont have one
Person You Hate Most:	generally annoying people and people who are one-sided and hyocritcal
Best Thing That Has Happened:	meeting lots of cool new people and getting better at photography
Ice Cream:	coldstone birthday cake with brownie, fudge and sprinkles aaaaaaawwwwwwww
WHO Makes you laugh the most:	kelley henkel can do anything including call me a fucking ass shit bitch and make me laugh hysterically
Makes you smile:	cookie
Has A Crush On You:	a few random people on myspace apparently...my supervisor at internship haha
Do You Have A Crush On Someone:	yes, but shhhh i cant tell you!
HAVE YOU EVER
Fallen for your best friend?:	maybe
Made out with JUST a friend?:	ummm nooooooo of course not
Kissed two people in the same day?:	on the cheek
Had sex with two different people in the same day?:	no, but if the question said four then...
Been rejected: .	i dont wanna talk about it
Been in love?:	yeahhh
Been used?:	unfortunately yes
Done something you regret?:	i typically dont regret, just move on...bad decisions? absolutely...got plently of those
Cheated on someone?:	nope
Been called a tease:	on a regular basis
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...
You touched?:	my mommy, not in that gross way though you sickos!
You talked to on the phone?:	umm kelley but im about to call someone else right now
You hugged?:	my mom for taking me and my friends out tonight!
You instant messaged?:	yousuffff
You kissed?:	im not tellin
You yelled at?:	uhh i dont yell a lot really. im not too vocal of a gal
Who text messaged you?:	jordan...happy bday!
Who broke your heart?:	yep dont wanna talk about that either
Who told you they loved you?:	geez thats personal who are u the national enquirer?

5/10/06 8:42 pm

im a high school lover
and youre my favorite flavor.

ap econ's freakin me out.
yet i still can't convince myself to study the amount of studying i need to do.

after tomorrow my academic school year will be over b/c basically its geology and that weird stat project all the way. guess who's majorly excited about this prospect. things are gonna move so fast, but i have a feeling its going to be a very sweet thing.

tomorrow night is my dinner with the lalas. us as a foursome is almost over too. i keep forgetting that everyone else is going to end up at the same place: UGA. this time im the odd one out.

it appears as though the day i thought would never come is vastly approaching and there's not a thing in the world i can do about it.

i just looked out the window and it was storming earlier but now the weather is nice and those kinds of days are the best kinds of days for sunsets. the sky was an amazing menagerie of purple and orange. i would have taken a picture, but a suburban development subdivision that is my habitat doesn't make for the best backdrop for landscape shots. tonight's the kind of night to sit outside in a lawn chair in the middle of the street with the one u love and just be there for awhile. i wish i had the ability to do that.

thought for the day in case you didnt get deep enough into my psyche?:
i need to work on being ok with how things are. maybe they're not the way i envisioned and they're not fairy tales, but that my friends is life. we deal we deal.

what hurts the most
is being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away
and never knowing
what could've been
and not seeing that loving you
is what i was trying to do.

5/9/06 4:10 pm
how bout them there apples? i have bad luck with bananas.

some days you just have to laugh. and go a little insane at the lunch table. and you dont know why. but those are the things i'll remember about my friends...sitting over lunch discussing the relative size of the average male, well you know, in comparison to my beat up banana...as if we're experts on the subject (which apparently some of us are?) I think we all have our special secrets we keep from those closest to us. Some are good some bad, some embarrassing, some hurtful, and many juicy. everyone's got something hidden deep down. its what makes life interesting and painful all at the same time.

5/8/06 10:22pm

i think i have some new readers for my blog. i gave out this url but i will warn u much of the material is very personally graphic in nature. some may wonder why i would publish some of this on the internet, but the truth is, i dont want you to know me as someone im not. so here is the real thing.

its just been one of those days. seems like everything i touch screws up. i say im just trying to be a good kid and do the right thing and oh ive got a lot on my plate youll have to excuse me but the honest truth is that i am not a good kid and i dont do the right things, actually i really dont know who or what i am anymore. i feel like ive lost a lot in my life lately and im beginning to wonder if its too late to get it back or if i'll look back and regret not having tried harder to mend these broken relationships i have and to be a better friend and daughter.

basically the root of what im saying is im a self centered bitch who cant seem to get her act together.

5/7/06 9:11pm

Ok well i dont know why this is underlined, but oh well what can you do.

i cant understand why i love dressing up and being someone else so much but today was a good day cause i got some pretty cool shots and i dont think it really looks like me if i do say so myself. of course these pictures came with the opportunity cost of not studying for the ap microeconomics exam i am going to fail and the college english final that i have not read anything for. i think its time for me to get out of here...to much procrastination going on, i might as well just leave anyways.

my mind is no longer on school. it is on summer, and making memories and working my butt off and being crazy with my friends one last time and tying up loose ends and saying what i always meant to say and doing what i always meant to do and falling in love and being in love and getting all this out of my system before i explode. its not time for bigger and better things, its time for different things.

but mostly i am utterly and completely thankful that the ap art exam is now dunzo. you dont know how extatic i was on friday afternoon walking out of the door at school. when you have put so much personal effort and time and work into something, especially not having taken the academic class for the subject, you really get nervous about the whole thing. i mean i dont care about the grade, but id be lying if i said i wouldnt be sad if i failed.

i think if i passed, it would be just another reminder that you can do stuff without professional guidance and still succeed. who needs the school system anyway? go plant your own oak trees im taking pictures.

5/1/06 5:36 pm

What an insanely crazy and ultimately amazing week. I have been so busy i cant even breathe, and although i risked heart failure and loss of conciousness a few times, i made it. now all i have to do is get through this week and ap econ will be my only care in the world. im pretty freaked out about my portfolio...i mean i have put my heart, soul, and social life into this thing, and I cant help but feel like it isnt as good as i would have hoped it could be, far from it actually. but, i digress.

prom was on saturday, and despite the fact that in a week's time i either gained ten pounds and 3 inches, or the dry cleaners majorly shrunk my dress, the evening was fabulous. our limo with the crazy metal bunged up plating on the side/the driver who had no sense of direction and was quite frankly a little sketchy, was packed but not too bad. dinner was delish even though i chose to down poor little mary's lamb with the cute little eyes that says baaaa. the ballroom was beautiful, once we finally wound our way up the myriad number of escalators, and i have to say that robyn's dance coaching skills may finally be paying off: i now enjoy dancing and apparently dont completely suck at it. yay. the after party was also awesome. much love to robyn's mom (my favorite btw) who baked some amazing cookies and went insane at cosco just for us. hot tubbing=awesome, so long as everyone follows Rule Number One (which apparently they did not). hell, i think even i broke Rule Number One. everyone looked really hot and unfortunately i completely forgot to call a self check out.


I wrapped up my weekend with an extremely ghetto fabulous birthday party complete with cake, moes, photo ops, and of course, some on-site live pornography. it was fabulous, but only because we're evil and moody like that ; )

i cant believe prom is over. may is here. graduation party invitations are out. im freaking out.

i know yall have missed my writings, but hopefully im back for good now, the end is in sight.

i dedicate this entry to those kids out there who lost their virginity on prom night. way to go kids, you just did the number one stereotypical high school thing to do. get excited.