so i think its about time i got off my ass, and certainly got off this dang computer and did something with my life. i'm about to start what i am calling a "new body of work" (cause it doesnt really follow a theme so i cant neccesarily call it a series). i'm waiting on the shipment of my collapsible reflector, which i am muy excited about. (funny how much a plastic frame covered in reflective material can make me insanely happy. but i think it will really help my work so that's good.

i always get nervous when i start a new project. i'm afraid it wont live up to the expectations those participating in it and just those who follow my work have in it, but more importantly i fear it won't live up to the vision i have for it. then again it never truly does. i just have to aim, shoot, and hope a bird doesnt crap in my mouth.

i went to the doctor today. my count is now up to 90,000. certainly below the normal people level of at least 120,000. but i am doing so much better than i was. at my lowest i think i was 31,000. doc tells me there's nothing i can do short of taking roids to bring my count up. but i have to wonder if some of the changes in my life from february have attributed to this jump. i can only ponder upon the effects of the following things:
+greater social life
+less stress from school
+ 15 lb weight gain
+love

you have to wonder if any of these things could have a profound effect. we'll forget that in the past 4 months i have lost an insane amount of sleep, repeatedly experienced the emotional stress induced by heartbreak, faced a squall of social stresses, overindulged in way too much cuisine, exercised way way way less than i should, and spent much of my time and energy here on the computer.we'll forget those things.

at least for now i'm not gonna bleed everywhere.

i think.

i feel quite alone right now i have to say. i wish i had someone by my side always. but i do not. so i will just sleep it off and forget about it until some 13 year old summer league swimmer's puppy love reminds me of my fate.

ouch.