and then there was one.

goodbye haigwood studios.

kinda weird when you have a harder time leaving your workplace than you do leaving some of your friends. but then again these people are my friends. lest i forget that for five months out of my life i was forced to spend at least an hour every weekday with these people. then after that i believe i was there almost every day at some point or another during the summer. the day didnt feel complete without a visit to the studio.

is it possible that while i was the one who was supposed to be giving to the studio (through my employment there) that in reality the studio was giving back to me?

i'd dare say i have changed as a person as a result of the time i have spent there.

i learned about hairlights. how to use a cannon. the importance of not throwing your hardrive around. a little bit about men's suit sizes. how to use a metz. i lost my sushi virginity. i watched a movie called ikiru or 30 minutes of it anyway. i hated rhs moms. i went in at 8 am. i went in at 1 am. i fell asleep on the couch. i broke a modeling light bulb. i saw people get married. i saw people get separated. i saw boobies. i did interior shoots. i made myspace fabulous. i made friends with an awesome christian british dude named nigel. i rendevoued in the parking lot late at night. i was a hand model. and a robe model. and a prom model. i have my own scandalous red couch story. i heard dani california millions of times on the stereo. i went to the fox with jeremy for a wedding. amanda and i hung out in mountain park and got belton and jordan lost. i shot chamaeleon and kelley in the studio. i shot coco in the studio. i did my first nudes in the studio. i spent a lot of time on the phone. i learned about painting with light. i met astounding and amazing people. i saw how vain the industry could be. at that single location my vcard was almost stolen two, make that three, times. and i loved absolutely every second of it. i couldnt have asked for a better place to spend the last nine months and certainly could not have asked for a better opportunity to learn and better people with which to work.

it was all i could do to keep from crying as i said goodbye to everyone. i couldnt believe i was walking out that door for good. i mean i will come back and work at christmas. but who knows who will be there by the time i return. things will never be the same. i will never be the same.

i suppose at this point, with my goodbyes all said and the studio fading off in the distance as well, the emotion that i feel is not that of sadness over leaving people behind. it is a sense of nostalgia that the girl who came to this town seven years ago would not even remotely recognize the girl who is typing this entry today. this new girl is still much the same as the old girl, but at the same time not anything like her. she has an innocent air about her, but in truth she is jaded. she finds in hard to believe in many of the things she used to like true love and honesty. the girl today wonders if her life is really going to be how she always imagined, and if it isnt, would that be such a bad thing? this girl wonders if maybe all the things that seemed so taboo to her before, like having relationships with people who may not be her "type" or choosing a life of adventure and beauty over a life of predictabilty and stability. this girl has a scar on the inside of her lip and a gash mark on her lower back. this girl did what she wanted during the last summer of her life and she loved it. this girl is 25 pounds heavier. this girl doesnt have a straight plan and doesnt know where shes going.

and i am this girl.

question EVERYTHING.
NEVER say never.

i left the studio today waving goodbye to an orange and brown figure who was standing in the superbright back parking lot where we both had been only 12 hours before. i didnt make it to the stoplight before i started bawling.

beware of the people who are watching you from afar.
they tend to grow on you after awhile.

if i could do this all again, i would have given him a chance much earlier. he was the one i should have been with all along. he was the one i deserved to be with. i should have been with him way back in march when we shot senior samples. or on june 19th when we spent all day in a mansion on lake lanier listening to overdrawn stories about a girl who just wanted some weed and didnt care if she had to go through a homeless person to get to it. i should have been with him at prom. i should have been with him for all those times when the lighting was fantastic and if only i could have someone here with me who actually gave a damn and could appreciate it. i should have been with him all those times when i just wanted to be quiet and still and no one else really got it.

but should haves dont work.

so i have to say that the little time i gave us i was very reluctant at first. scroll down if u must and youll see. i didnt want to get in some weird scenario where i was just asking to get hurt like in the past. i wasnt sure if it would work, or if i was even into it. but in the end it was most excellent and most good.

so when he handed me a gift i could feel through the paper that it was a book but i wasnt supposed to open it until later. i turned into my neighborhood, still bawling. and it hit me. i knew exactly what was in that package. his copy of Fight Club. the book that i love and the book he loves even more. the paperback novel that means so much to him. all i could offer up was a pitiful piece of artwork and a photograph.

i guess he'll probably never know how much i enjoyed my time with him in the end.

but it is just that.

the end.