is it just me or is it kinda not ok to get your douche at the flea market?

i feel so gross i just ate a box of cookies.

like seriously.

i went to the flea market today and you wanna talk about hick redneck central...well i found it. nascar collectors edition coozies, fresh pork rines, swords of all kinds, tie dye colored bongs, and of course eagles on everything.

then theres a douche.

im sorry but why would u buy that at a flea market.

also why would you live in kodak, tennessee.

these are things that i dont understand.

but i got a dress and a retro addidas jacket together for the price of 5 bucks and even though i may look a little grandma-esque in the dress my ass looks a little more on the fabulous side if i can even say that with confidence, so im ok with it.

i also got donnie darko and eternal sunshine... all for the low low price today only of 18 bucks. so go podunk town redneck people. you can keep your Jesus throw blankets and your homemade beeswax and your handcrafted bluegrass fiddle, but we can all use cheap dvds for lazy days in the dorm now and then.

i like the weekends because theres no class and its a little of a break, but they get so damn lonely. and then u go to target and all you want to do is get some rubbermaid containers to store your fall sweaters that your mom brought up this weekend and you end up listening to stop this train in the car on your way home and before you know it you have to pull off into a side lot to pull yourself together because if you pulled up to the dorm like this theyd surely call the mental ward on you.

i swear these days id cling onto anything that seems familiar.

i think i realized today one of the important functions my friends back in roswell had: convincing me that im not crazy. ill be the first to admit im not totally normal, but my friends not only loved and accepted me despite this, they made me believe that my behavior was actually quite normal. now there is no one here to do that. they just give me weird looks. im the outcast art major from the other side of the border. this has moved beyond the point of just not having friends. im carrying a weight upon myself that is too heavy to bear long term. i am questioning who i am and what my identity really is. i was at least somewhat prepared to move on and make new friends, but that was harder than i thought. and i certainly wasnt prepared for this identity meltdown that is now occuring. i have cried more in the last two months than i ever have in my life. i live for phonecalls from random people and letters i know will never come. im so scared everyone else will have moved on and i will still be stuck in this ugly state of mind.

a baby sleeps in all our bones
so scared to be alone.

but i am not the only one feeling this way. appears my suitemate and i have much in common. the waiting for it all to come is the hardest part.