im sorry kelley i had to tell them, they hadnt seen you in days and you werent answering your phone. you really cant just disappear like that for a few days and expect no one to notice. you have many people who care about you where you are.

on the other hand, if i disappeared for a few days here, no one would notice. for real. my only hope would be if helen realized my pride and joys were still here and i wasnt: computer, camera, car keys. or if yousuf noticed that i hadnt been online in a while. or if ashley took note that i hadnt poked her in a few days. or kelley missed getting random texts from me.

these would be my only hope.

but seriously kelley, go back to your damn alma mater. i love you! for real though, i do. i cant wait to see everyone at thanksgiving. i miss all of you so much. and even if i dont call or talk online or whatever i think about each of you daily, and sometimes the stupidest things remind me of yall.

today is halloween. frank the bunny do yo thang. its funny to think back on this very day throughout the years of my life. once upon a time i was a black kitty in sylacauga, alabama, a hula girl in tulsa, shirley feeney in roswell georgia, and a redheaded slut bitch with social problems in knoxville tennessee.

oh the calories.

remember the candy you always got and you were like eww im not ever gonna eat this no matter how desperate i get after ive eaten everything? i sure do. my least faves included CANDY CORN (b/c lets face it, no one actually likes eating candy corn they just do b/c its october or something like that), BIT O'HONEY- i have no idea what the fuck this candy is but the wrapper always tripped me out so i didnt eat it, TOOTSIE ROLLS/TOOTSIE ROLL POPS- ummm people, a lot of kids dont like these yet theyre cheap so everyone gives you like 23483729847 of them and you end up giving them to your neighbor's cat to try to kill it or was that just me (jk jk animal rights yesssss), NECCO-that shit is chalk that they try to make cause its cheaper to feed kids chalk than have to go through the overhead costs of getting islander slave worker produced sugar cane to put into candy, CHARLESTON CHEW-did anyone else notice that that is just rubber but they put it in this huge stick and write "chocolate" on it so kids are amazed and run around saying "i have a big chocolate stick" and they dont really care how it tastes anymore? there are lots of ways to get big chocolate sticks in the world without eating charleston chew i know this for sure, APPLES TOOTHBRUSHES DENTAL FLOSS OR POPCORN- hey adults, these items are not candy...you are not walmart so save the toiletries for you own hygenic issues. ususally use of this kind of so called "halloween treat" incurred for one of two reasons: 1. your neighbor is a dentist or health nut and feels the need to spread their radical facist views throughout the neighborhood 2. your neighbored whored themself with the halloween candy last night and now theres nothing left for the kiddies, HOMEMADE TREATS- these always sucked because no matter how delicious and sweet they looked, your parents were absolutely certain that they contained razor blades, poison, coccaine, or some combination thereof...because we all know coccaine dealers want nothing more than to spread their precious blow to the eight year olds of suburbia in chocolate-coated form, and finally and most certainly least MARY JANES- can you say marijuana reference on children's candy? plus this candy is wrapped in something that for some reason reminds me of a garbage bag, i dont know what it is and i dont care, it looks like something one of the sketch-assed mexicans on frasier street would try to sell you at 11pm im not gonna eat it.

so that is my manifesto on halloween candy.

i hope that those of you who did not spend the entire evening intoxicating and whoring yourselfs can enjoy your candy free of these aforementioned atrocities to confectionary society.

happy halloween kids

kerouac said it well.

i had one of those "every emotion possible days today". in the end i found myself on the floor of the art building covered in charcoal holding back tears talking to my dad whos in chicago now.

you cant go back and you cant stay here.

thats what my heart says.

i guess its just normal to have these doubts. but i wish it was just cut and dry and i could know that these are just doubts and not instances when youre supposed to go with your gut and it will turn out alright. one second i feel one way, the next completely different. i say, i must leave here, this is not the place i need to be to do what i want to do. then i say but i will miss out on the college experience and who knows what will happen to me and what about the high possibility that i will fail.

maybe the answer to all these things is to get my mrs degree and then figure things out when i have a steady flow of cash coming my way in exchange for my eternally committed piece of ass.

did i seriously just say that.

then theres the portfolio center in atlanta.
i could go there. i could graduate here then i could go there. i didnt want to go to grad school, but maybe this is a good halfway compromise. move back to a city. have a strong degree in graphic design from here, then go there for photography.

but what if i lose hope?

what if i forget the lofty goals and dreams i have as a woman of 19?

what if i diiiiiiiiiieeeeee?

(emotional eating ensues)

my fortune the other night said "you will take a journey to a place far away" (in bed haha)

what's your road man?

gooood question.

try again later.

this is going to sound like a bunch of garbled up shit.

but its high time i just spat it all out.

btw eternal sunshine is basically one of the most beautiful films ever. maybe you might not know what is going on sometimes, but in the end its beautiful. i have found recently that i dont like garden state as much as i used to. i still love it. the cinematography is amazing, the characters are dynamic, the humor is unique and interesting, and for that i love it, but i can seem to feel settled with the ending. why did you do that zack braff? why? for such a unique movie such a dry ending.
jordan is not returning my messages and well wishes for his birthday. i sent him a scarf i knit. i hope he likes it. i suppose i wont know since he feels the need to hold grudges. it appears he felt more deeply for me than i realized. i dont enjoy breaking hearts and i dont like being hated. i just want to be friends again. i would love for everything to be normal when i return to the studio, but it wont. there are robots working there now. ms piggy works there. jeremy's gone. not much cool stuff is shot there anymore not like before at least, and jordan hates me.

so maybe i just wont go back.

sometimes, actually a lot of times, i ask myself, "what the fuck are you doing here?" this is in fact God's country. i would totally agree with that. but there are just things about it and im just like i dont know why im here this is not it this is not what i thought it would be there is no opportunity here and that scares the hell out of me because what if i settle what if i get stuck here. what if i become one of these people who doesnt understand how the rest of the world or dammit the rest of the county or the city is. these people who dont understand life outside the south. people who dont understand what kinds of opportunities are out there. opportunities that they could be taking because hell, someone has to and why not you?

why not you?
why not you?
why not me?

i look at craig's list for knoxville in the art section and theres just nothing. nothing. oh wait theres the ever-lucrative field of shooting those ugly-assed victorian style portraits of kids with cheap props in bad sepia and over-charging parents who are way too into their kids to do so. there's nothing. then i look at atlanta and it gets better. seattle, even better. new york, chicago, frisco, amazing. here its just telemarketing scams and tractor trailer parts.

and then i just think, ive got to get out of here.

but where do i go? im going to probably the cheapest place out of state i can possibly imagine. so my thought is go back to georgia. go to atlanta. go somewhere where you can get out and have real world experiences that will help you know the right people. but if i do that, im basically going to end up in a more community college atmosphere. maybe thats wrong. thats not very prestigious. people who do great things dont go to community colleges. fuck i go to university of tennessee. thats not exactly prestigious either. eejkawehfkajhajkdfhgkjadfhajk

im stuck.

this is what its like to be a freshman in college who has always been a little ahead in her emotional traumas and in her first semester freshman year is already losing sleep over career concerns.

but this is my life.

and i want this very badly.

i look around at people chasing whims for majors and just deciding to persue one thing or another because it sounds cool and it makes me realize how bad i actually want this.

then there's always the question of failure.

i suppose failure is a relative term though.

i kinda always secretly admired people in books like on the road, hippies and gypsies just trying to enjoy the ride and allowing the chips to fall where they may. i wish i was more like this, but its an impractical way to live if you want the kind of success i pine for. i want to come back to my high school reunion and have people say, "oh theres a reason she stayed in so much, theres a reason she was a recluse, she was in the process of making something of herself, little did we know...hey look she did amazing things with her life." i admire these people in these books, but then i go to church and i see people living much the same way there. and i have to say, i dont exactly think of people in the church being the types to live precariously in a fashion that exudes harm and bad futures. but many of them bend their plans to God's purpose for their lives. often not knowing why they do what they do, but doing it because they feel called to do so. the fashion designer once from london then from new york who moved to knoxville because she felt called. not knowing for how long she'll be here or what shes going to do. she just felt called. i admire that.


"If He who in Himself can lack nothing chooses to need us, it is because we need to be needed." -CS Lewis

i need to be needed. i know this now.

on the complete opposite end of the spectrum, i think it best that i break from the male world until i figure myself out. emotional instability and romantic relationships dont mix well, ive learned. or maybe romantic relationships cause mental instability. i cant tell at this point. ill investigate further one of these days. until then, you boys can take your penises and your sperm and your overused phrases and save it for someone who doesnt know any better. im pretty sure ill be falling for you sooner or later. but for now im going to take a break. im not going to make any promises on how long this break will last, but i think it will be beneficial.

cause theres not one instance i can recall went i went about all that kind of stuff in the right way. not once.

time changed this morning. so it begins. the decline of my life. its all pop tarts, bad tv, and fleece blankets from here on out. i get seasonal affective disorder i swear. im going to try not to too bad this time but i hear its going to be a long hard winter.

thanksgiving is soon. then christmas. somewhere in between ill be doing some risque shooting. next semester ill visit amanda. and uga again. spring break. summer...though who knows what the hell ill be doing with my time.

im done ranting. no one actually read this whole thing, but its ok i just needed to write it. to sort my thoughts out in the most illogical way.

btw kelley henkel i love you and you are the best friend i could ever ask for.

(cant wait to see your hot ass again)


You may not believe it
But I don't believe in miracles anymore
And when I think about it
I don't believe I ever did for sure
All the things I've said in songs
All the purple prose you bought from me
Reality's just black and white
The sentimental things I'd write
Never meant that much to me


You don't need to hear it
But I'm dried up and sick to death of love
If you need to know it
I never really understood that stuff
All the stars and bleeding hearts
All the tears that welled up in my eyes
Never meant a thing to me
Read 'em as they say and weep
I've never felt enough to cry

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don't stop,
This train don't stop,
This train don't stop there anymore

Noah, tell me I'm a bee.

By far my favorite costume ever. I wish it was socially acceptable for a 19 year old college student to wear a tutu all the time, especially a yellow one. I so would if I could. i decided that maybe i shouldnt go to date parties anymore. i had a great time, but i just always feel bad for the guys. despite the several mile walk back in the rain in basically the sketchiest area of town and getting yelled at by crackheaded homeless men, I had a good time. i dont think it would have mattered how the night went...i was a bee and thats how it went down.

meanwhile photography suddenly exploded on me. im not sure if the kinds of offers im getting are the kinds of things i would really want to have in my portfolio, but i just want to get out there again, and some of these things could actually lead to something...i mean i hate to speak to soon, but working with some of these musical groups and the radio station could potentially get me somewhere closer to where i want to go.

if nothing else its just practice. and most of these jobs fall through anyways, so like i said i dont want to speak too soon. but for now im here and this is how it is and im just gonna go.

oh and i think my style is my own. im above stealing.

your friends are the ones who tell you the things you already know about yourself you just dont want to imagine are real. and to know that i am out there living my life and going through my day to day and they are not proud of me makes me sad. really sad. i just reached a point where i was tired of my life. a variety of new worlds and new paths was opened to me and i saw that my life could be more than just typical boring old angela watson. but as my life gets more "interesting" (if thats what you want to call it) i feel myself drifting further and further away from them. the overdramatization of things. the innocent "oops did i just do that" attitude is no longer an excuse. its getting old. even i know this, and its me we're talking about. i cant decide if the environment im in now is a breeding ground for continuation of this behavior or a clean slate on which to start. honestly as easy as it seems, this is a pattern of behavior i have found myself in. an "oh fuck it" kind of attitude that has led me to take action that is not in harmony with who i am...correction: who i was and who i want to be. guess what angie youre not the shit. and you know all these things and have for a long time, but your friends are the ones who tell you the things you already know about yourself and just dont want to imagine are real. i am far from an amazing character, but i have enough good qualities that i can be loved and accepted and known without acting in these ways or being this other person. it is my greatest fear that i will return home and no one will like me anymore or people will distance themselves from me because ive changed. if i dont have these beautiful individuals, then honestly who do i have? they are my rock. they keep me in check. they keep doing what theyre doing right now. i kinda want to go home. but i cant do that. i want to go home, but then again i really dont.

i always said it doesnt take much to amuse me, and this is true. i laughed for an hour at the whole asthma thing at lunch and that was not funny at all. im ok with being by myself a lot. it doesnt bother me. so i suppose the question is, if these things are true then why am i not more ok with just living a simple life now? find joy in the crime log everyday. go to the movies. go salsa dancing. work on my sketchbook. and just be happy with that. thats all i need. because if my life was like this, then i would never have to question whether my friends love me and are proud of me. this is the kind of life i should live.

say goodnight and go.

im sorry yall. im ready to work on it for real this time.

stupid things ive done.

ok says just put yes or no. its my blog...time to own up to some of my finer moments haha.
Level one
( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Done Weed
(X) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(?) Are / Been In Love
(x) Been Dumped
( ) Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
( ) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 4

Level 3
(x) Snuck Out Of A Parent's House
(x) Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back
( ) Been Arrested
( ) Made Out With A Stranger
( ) Gone Out On A Blind Date

SO FAR: 6

Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped School
(x) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 10

Level 5
( ) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your MYSPACE Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 11

Level 6
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
(x) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Myspace
( ) Been Mosh Pitting

SO FAR: 13

Level 7
( )Been In An Abusive Relationship
( ) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 16

Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone muddin
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 21

Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 26

Level 10
( ) Used A Fake / Someone Else's ID
(x) Watched The Sun Set
(x) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 28

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
( ) Been Robbed / Vandalized
(x) Robbed Someone
(x) Been Misunderstood
( ) Pet A Deer

SO FAR: 31

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
( ) Had Detention
(x)Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 33

Level 13
(x) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 36

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
(x) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 41

Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 45

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons/Colored/Pencils/Markers (hehe i go to school 4 it)
(x) Sang Karaoke
( ) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 49

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
( ) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 52

Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Been Kissed Under A Mistletoe
(x) Watched The Sun Set With Someone You Care / Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere

SO FAR: 57

Level 19
(x) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 61

Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) Screamed "Penis"
( ) Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 63

Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole / Freezer/ice Cube
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes (haha)
(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 66

Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Stayed Up All Night

SO FAR: 70

Level 24
( ) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had / Been In A Tree House
( ) Scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 72

Level 25
( ) Believe In Ghosts
(x) Have / Had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
(x) Gone Streaking
( ) Jail or Visit*

SO FAR: 74

Level 26
( ) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed Into A Pool With All Your Clothes On
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
( ) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 77

Level 27
(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video
(x) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 81

Level 28
(x) Mooned / Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon / Flash You
(x) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) Slept Naked
(x) French Braided Someones Hair
(x) Gone Skinny Dipping
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House

SO FAR: 88

Level 29
( ) Rode A Roller Coaster
( ) Went Scuba-Diving / Snorkeling
( ) Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
( ) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 88

Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
( ) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 92

Level 32
( ) Been shot at
( ) Had sex in the rain/ on a rainy night
( ) Flattened someone tires
(x) Rode your car until the gas light came on
(x) Got five dollars or less worth of gas

So Far: 94

94 out of 150... not too bad, but not too good either. daily beacon crime log here i come : )

autumn came.

it didnt ask.

it left me right where it left me last.

and i didnt know.

and now it starts.

and there is fog inside the glass around my summer heart.

this is the homestretch. about four weeks until i get to go home. it feels like it should go by fast. the weeks do move pretty quickly, i must say. but time as a whole moves quite slowly around these parts. all this anticipation for only a few hurried times with close friends. oh well, im taking it for what its worth, and im pretty excited for the plans i have. cheesecake with the girls. turkey with the fam. art museum by myself. sleeping my bed. locking ourselves in with the nutcracker for a night of permiscuous fun. (sarah we need to talk about this one, its all you, youve gotta help make this magic happen) i think the best part is that once thanksgiving comes it will be no time before we're out for a month...which could quite possibly mean more permiscuous times with the nutcracker...im pumped. but i need a job lets not forget that one.

but as for now, i think im finally getting my focus back, if only for a brief and sadly fleeting time span, at least im getting it back somewhat. ive found going to the library to study helps me focus more. im trying to stay offline a little more. its all working for me. i also have a more clear concious because my big secret has been made known to those who should, and this makes me feel better about things. theres the ever-illusive question of who can i con into coming up here and going with me to my winter formal? i have a gorgeous laundry by shelly seigal dress from bloomies that i got for $96.40...cmon can i have a round of applause on that one. by shoes are really sexy and i wish i had sexy feet to put them on but we deal we deal. now all i need is someone to brave the treacherous territory of drunken females and frat boys scurrying about the dancefloor. jgoitz volunteered once upon a time, but i dont know if the brave little toaster will make it up to the knox to see me. surely i can find someone...this WILL NOT be like prom.

i should steal a shark head.

just cause.

angie watson...reaking havock on south carrick 3rd floor since 2006.

i love it.

im making that dang crime log if it kills me.

oh damn...i hope it doesnt.

"thats joanns fabrics now."-kelley

the picture says it all.

im a little bit confuzzled right now.

a little bit pulled apart.

a little bit chemically imbalanced.

its all part of the game.

ive been slacking off quite a bit in the midst of my little emotional journey in search of where my future is going to take me, and now i am beginning to see that i must move foward and get my shit together. regardless of where i go...if i stay here, if i try to go somewhere i cant afford, if i study abroad, if i study in the us, i must keep the grades up. its the closest thing i have running in my favor so i must do it.

and i suppose this is how i operate. i work well under pressure. i can kick my own ass with the best of them. the truth of the matter is despite appearances i am a very hard worker, i just can be easily detracted when im bored and unmotivated. which seems to be quite often these days. left to my own devices in my current emotional state i would probably be quite happy laying in my bed listening to unfamiliar indie music and eating cookie dough while surfing facebook and recanting on days gone by.

but no.



this weekend was initiation weekend for sorority. it was interesting to think that i underwent exactly the same process that the ladies back in 1867 did. two of the charter members for the ut chapter were at the luncheon today. it was interesting to hear them talk about how the chapter got started. it made me pine to live in those times. sure i would have been suppressed by society as a female. but my role would be to pop out the kids and baste the turkey, and at least in that case my life would have direction.

guys would actually open doors and pay for stuff and say golly and gee instead of godammit all the time and stay out of your pants for the most part.


it scares me that one of these days today will be the good old days.
and as sarah and i established, we would have been frickin sexy as all get out.

smooth like knoxville (grits & a handjob)

i am envious of this girl for several reasons.

1.shes a pimp.
2.she has something in her life that she is absolutely amazing at
3.most importantly these days, she knows where shes going in her life.

how grand it must feel to know that your life has direction.

im not sure where i go now. im looking into my options for transferring or studying a semseter at another school, abroad or otherwise. these things could potentially cause me to be in college for like 6 years, but maybe it will be worth it.

its not so much that i want to be with my friends anymore. its now becoming an issue of am i where i need to be to get the best education and to be in the best place for the workforce with what i want to do with my life.

i dont know.

i mean im sure i could stay here my entire college career and be just fine. but what will happen? i mean what if i fall in love and graduate and then get married and just settle down here? is that what i really want? if you ask me when its happening, ill say yes of course...but ask me today and my ambitions are quite different. i feel like i must appease these desires for success and doing something special with my life before its too late and i settle.

before i fall for the oh so smooth knoxville.

its just hard because theres nowhere good to go to school in georgia. and that is where it would be free for me. so now my parents are paying about 20k for me to go to school each semester. as im looking at schools, i am quickly learning that for a decent school, this is a deal that cant be beat.

and theyve already done so much for me. they dont know i want to transfer. they planned for me to be here four years. i cant ask them to fork over copious amounts of money for me to go to school. i just cant do that to them.

i feel like all i want to do is dive into the water. just jump off and the gravity of my desires and ambitions will lead me straight to where i want to be in life. but in reality i am running around blindfolded and running into every detractor and obstacle possible, miles away from the waster.

so my quest for answers continues.

meanwhile i had possibly my first truly orgasmic musical experience tonight. broken social scene at the bijou theater in the old city. the bijou is a far cry from the fox or the tabernacle, but the 1920s restored theater is still very beautiful. the opening act, do make say think, was absolutely amazing. it was like sitting in on a private impromtu jam session that you expected to go completely haywire and off kilter at any minute but it never did. all the little pieces just came together in such a way that absolutely boggles my mind just trying to decipher it. broken social scene was an auditory all u can eat buffet. their songs certainly went together and all appealed to their audience, but they were so different at the same time. everything from funk dance tunes to melodic instrumentals, i loved it all. this does not happen much, i can typically find something to hate or at least be bored with, but no such thing here.


i guess the long and short of it is that this music was moving. it could be because i am extremely chemically imbalanced right now and possibly just overwhelmingly emotionally fragile, but i found myself truly feeling every song for what it was worth. it almost made me cry.

and this is why we love music. for some of us at certain times it transends this specialized noise and becomes a physical, emotional, and even spiritual experience.

and i got a bitchin t shirt.

lets get out psychology on!


Opponent process theory- if a stimulus causes strong emotion, the opposite emotion occurs when the stimulus ends.



wow how true. when youre in love you feel complete. when it goes away you feel alone. when youre with friends you feel happy, when they go away you feel empty.

kelley says her life is a big question mark that has been taken through a ringer.

haigwood doesnt really need me anymore.

im about to go get initiated into my sorority and im pretty sure this will involve getting naked or wet or naked and wet and maybe a little bit of chanting.

ive got side effects from my flu shot which essentially means i have the flu kinda.

ive got a lot of work to do and no drive to do it.

but there is good news too:

amanda is coming tomorrow! because of sorority junk i wont be able to see her for long but holy crap im finally gonna get to see the love of my life again! and she has a boyfriend again and he is pretty much awesome.

i got a date for the date party which basically never happens so this is pretty exciting...im going to be a bee...its a halloween date party.

concert on saturday night. im going by myself if i have to but im going to that dang concert.

toodles kids its art museum field trip time

ever have one of those days when you feel like you feel so many things that if you tried to convey them all it would come out as this emotional vomit of words and ideas and gestures and pictures and music and sights and smells and actions?

welcome to me today.

heres whats in my brain:

-my 96's in every class are completely MIA. i knew it wouldnt last long. but this is bad very bad because of:

- 2nd thing. im starting to view this whole college thing differently now. whats so bad about moving around a little bit? i mean yes its a pain in the ass to transfer, if not impossible, particularly in lew of my major. but what a journey it could be to just start over every year. think of all you could see and all the people you could meet. this referencing number 1, i must keep the good old grades up because my opportunity finally came. the thing i was looking for all this time. spring at nyu program. i could go. i could live there for five months. it would be safe enough that i could see myself doing it but cool enough because hello its new york. listen at me talking though...i probably wont go.

-im out of love. like i know my emotions change vampidly from hour to hour but seriously i just feel very over it right now. its sad when you realize youve never been in love despite maybe what you thought you thought. no ones really ever loved me like that, and i cant say the same in return. i suppose there's nothing wrong with it, its just a little sad to think about it. im just not interested right now. everything that comes my way is unwelcome, jackass, annoying, morally wrong, or taken. it just isnt working for me right now. id like to find someone who believes the same things i do. who will truly make me a better person. who i can introduce to my friends with confidence. and who i dont have to convince myself i like or who doesnt have to win me over. these things are not occuring now and actually never have occured, so i think im gonna sit this one out for a sec.

-john mayer

-i cant wait to go home for thanksgiving and see everyone. if amanda comes this weekend, kelley and robyn come the next weekend, and my other two girlies come the next weekend. then ill have my formal the next weekend and lets pray i can get a date to that one, thanksgiving will be here before you know it. i cant wait to eat turkey. go to cheesecake factory with my girls. have coffee with sarah. sit around with kelley and my mom. then the end of the semester will be here and they tell me it gets better after that.

-just got an email from kelly telling me haigwood's only gonna need me on weekends during Christmas break. i dont know what im going to do i need money badly. im thinking of all the things i want to do in the future and quickly realizing this is absolutely going to break me financially. then i wonder what im going to do next summer. long ways off i know. the studio doesnt need me anymore. jeremy's at the other studio ive always wanted to work at, but would that be awkward? would they take me? theres always the restaurant, but i just never really found that fulfilling in the long term. dont get me wrong i love it there too.

i want to be a bartender...is that really wrong? i dont think anyone would ever see me doing that either...probably a reason for that. maybe i should go to school for it. ill be the only living bartender who doesnt drink.

-then i just sit here and stare at facebook and think of the 123987128973 things i need to do...all things that would help accomplish these long term goals that worry me so. and instead i pop another reece's into my mouth and write this damn thing.

its womens week at ut! everyone get your feminism on!

i am by no means a feminist...i am an antifeminist. but i must take this opportunity to lead into the point i wanted to make today.

guys will say anything for sex.

i am not saying all guys are this way. there are a few precious gems who give their love freely and happily in the most sensitive and caring and respectful of ways. but in general...if you give a mouse a cookie he'll eat it and rip your clothes off.

seriously though. any compliment you could ever want to hear. i love yous mouthed off faster than anyone ever should. youre so beautiful. youre so amazing. youre so sexy.

and its funny how we females all know this. i know this. but with some males we percive it like a hawk and dismiss it while with others we fall for it.

hook.

line.

sinker.

leather couch.

he loves you bull shit he loves you. if he is within ten feet of your vagina mark him guilty until proven innocent. he doesnt mean a thing.

wow i cant believe i just wrote that.

i sound so angry.

im not angry everyone. im pretty happy. im not too happy with my actions right now, but that has nothing to do with the male race as a whole. so take heart boys, i havent given up on you.

im the slut remember?

word of the day: podunk...look it up its awesome.

i got up late this morning after a long night last night and realized i dont really want to leave roswell. the drive back is always the worst b/c i dont like driving and i dont want to leave and i know theres a stack of work and responsibility once again awaiting me back in my dorm. funny how my house is now my vacation spot.

but things are different here now. all the friends i still have here are moving along and picking out colleges of their own.

roswell high school is like a different planet now. and not in a good way.

the studio, in my eyes, is falling apart at the seams. jeremy's got one foot out the door, and he was my mentor. he was always my favorite to work with because he was the best one there but he didnt have to follow rules or memorize lighting set up diagrams or mathematical lighting formulas to be so. everyone else who's still there looks like robots at computers thumbing through endless numbers of school yearbook shots and entering data into the system. belton's back with his ex. kelly is still wonderful. dan's still getting crazy and getting laid on tuesday nights. jordan acts awkward around me.

i think we'd all like to think that after we all moved out an left every aspect of our roswell lives just threw down into a rapid and unyielding decline. but the truth is its all just change. we probably wouldnt even recognize it if we were still here. but the fact that we go away and then come back makes it all the more apparent that nothing is constant but change.

damn that scares me.

all that being said i must go back now to knoxville. i must make it the five and a half weeks to thanksgiving...im so excited for break. i must finish out the semester strong. i must avoid the stomach virus and the flu. i must give my life a moral face lift. its needed it for a very very long time.

i think i knew that i wanted to make a change in my life as soon as i get back to knoxville, because last night i think i had my final rebellious bout. and there is no explanation for it, certainly no justification for it. i did the almost unthinkable and i have no defense. i could say im just doing whatever i can to make it to the top, but that doesnt really apply here. it was wrong. just wrong. i just pray to God there's no fallout from it. i will never be able to talk about it because no one could ever forgive me for it. but thats ok. the plan now is to just turn and go.

turn and go.

turn and run.

heres to real love.

annnnnnnnnnnnd...


we're done.

at the risk of going back on what i write or contradicting myself with my words or actions later on, im just gonna say that im done with life as it is now. cant do it anymore. its eating me up inside, and i dont think i really realized it.

for like 17 years i lived my life very conservatively, very protected. men showed no interest in me ever, and when they did it was some kind of sick yearbook table joke. i always followed the rules and never even considered anything else as a possibility.

but things have changed and what i must realize is that just because those things were all true in the past, my actions dictate the person i am today and in the future. therefore just because it used to not be a characteristic of me to be a slut ho, that doesnt mean my actions today dont make me one. i cant rely on that "this is totally a not 'me' thing to do, but..." prefix anymore because truth is, people change, the characteristics of yesterday DO NOT dictate who i am and how i am percieved today. this is the greatest beauty and the greatest downfall in life.

i had my rebellious fun. i got a taste of the other side. its not to say i dont want to be crazy and have fun with my life, but this is not the way to do it. its not right.

i cut my last main tie to roswell last week.

i caught up with old friends.

i reconciled with my artner.

i kicked ass in art class.

all of these things have led to a kind of inner calmness about me. and that calmness leads me back to the unturbulent angie. the one who makes mistakes but really does her best.

i must find God again.

what kind of world do you want?

what kind of world do you want?

i felt like writing again today. actually i guess at this hour its tomorrow, but no matter. its funny when you come home. you dont really feel like you left until you think about certain things like you should be at school or your stuff isnt all here and all such things. same thing when i saw all my friends at uga. even though much has happened since the last time i saw them, i still feel like i never really left them.

went to the studio today. it was awkward with jordan. jeremy had put his two weeks notice in this morning. there were like 7 new employees, all female extra special angie replacements. everyone looked like little robots on computers and phones. it worries me that everytime ive been there since i moved out there has been no shooting going on in the back. belton said we should hang out tonight and we'd do something super crazy and fun. he called a few hours later and said he was tired and wanted to go home. he then went so far as to say that he wouldnt be able to hang out with me at all while im here. i couldnt figure out if he was telling the truth or if it had something to do with the whole jordan thing. im pretty sure im now the studio bitch.

what kind of world do i want?
what kind of world do i want?

i just told my artner i want the right to change my mind. the right to not have to pick apart and examine every little move and every little decision like its the last one ill ever be able to make.i want a loft apartment. i want to have fun. i want to be interesting. i want to reach others with my work. i want enough money to buy art. i want to be satisfied. i want to be sure in my uncertainty. i want to be ok.

and thats that.

like the slice of chocolate pie you dont need.
like the pair of heels that cost 50 dollars too much.
like the awesome earrings that you dont have anything to match.
like the cute puppy who will rip up everything in your house.
like the joke you know will offend almost everyone in the room.
like the shirt you dont even like that much but damn it was so on sale.

somethings are irresistible.

despite that the pies full of sugar and calories.
despite that the heels are uncomfortable and will cause you to overdraw.
despite that the earrings are essentially useless to you.
despite that the puppy may ruin your life.
despite that you will be considered a party foul in and of yourself after telling that joke.
despite that the shirt isnt even cute.

we do it anyway because we juuuuuust cant help ourselves.

so despite the fact that what has happened in the past was not pretty.

despite all the shit ive talked.

despite the fact that i thoroughly convinced myself that all was said and done.

i realize that there are just some certain people who come into your life and leave you changed. they hurt you the worst but the highs are equally high and maybe even higher.

and you dont know why and you know it doesnt make sense and you know your friends are going to be dissappointed in you. b

but everyone's got that person. that vice. that love that will never go away no matter you think you want.

on and on and on and on and on...


Baby, baby since you've been gone I ain't doing so good
I don't get up, paint my face and go out like I should
Baby you turned a clear night sky into a dark, dark hole
And when I see a sunset now I'm just looking at a painting in a cheap motel.

Baby I'm going on without you
Maybe I'm even gonna get through
But baby I'll tell you something that'll never be true
Baby, I'll get over you

amy millan, baby i.

mr fabulous and i are done. apparently he and i were done like a week or two ago, which is what i thought, but when you still get calls almost every night and i love yous and kisses it kinda all doesnt make sense and you no longer know whats going on. im not sure how i feel about that relationship. i cant decide if it was a rebound or just me being stupid and getting caught up in things or just me wanting to hang onto anything familiar or just me wanting to be in love or maybe it was true and just bad timing mixed in with a little bad chemistry in the end. im not really sure.

worst part is i think i broke his heart. i should probably feel more remorse about this. both the heart breaking and the end of this relationship. i just need to move on.

haha back to where i was all these months before.

at this time id like to give another shout out to my "everyone would want to f--- us if we lived in the 40's bitch" ms sarah bluvas. of course i would love to have coffee with you darling. im guessing we have a lot of catching up to do. and yes youre right, i was not expecting such a request from you, but im oober happy i got one : )


damn that pie is good.

why should the fire die?

what a crazy week. i think when i go home tomorrow night im just going to sleep and not wake up for awhile. and this is very ok with me. midterms are death on a plate except no one really warned me that it was actually midterm.

this weekend was the uga ut football game, so i made the significantly long trek to athens to see my loves.for whatever reason, it took me forever to get there. but once i was there, i have to say it was the best time ive had since i moved up here. i felt a little more like i was actually getting the college experience. just hanging out and having fun with friends a lot like i did in high school, but more collegeish. haha. one day i will have this kind of thing going for me here at ut, but until then it was nice having my phone ringing off the hook with people who wanted to see me and do things with me. so here goes...highlights of the weekend:

-seeing laura just go completely off her ass roybn zone style and start stealing food in a gurilla-like manner at the indoor? tailgate in jenny's room.

-caitlyn's post-game wrap up in kelleys hall ("this is our defense" *lays down)

-bobby

-yousuf on friday ("what the fuck man, what the fuck...dude youre fucked up")

-everyone running hysterically/for their lives, including jenny who lived there, from jenny's drunk roomate.

-laying in the field in front of russell at like 3am

-wheat thins

-kelleys roomate, oh wait she doesnt have one

-brunch food/sitting at brunch like 32874298 hours longer than it took to eat making fun of rhs administrators

-getting slightly harassed by uga fans and even moreso flirted with my ut fans

-vintage shopping downtown at agora

-facebooking with robyn

-the super bad frat party

-jay may of course

so my overall impression of uga? i definitely like it better now than i did originally. its hard to compare because theyre two very different schools. im not going to rule out any possibility of transfer even though im pretty sure one day ill be happy here.

as soon as i get home i am faced with two tests i havent studied for, a huge art project that isnt done, and a plethora of text messages from mr fabulous that freaked me out.

maybe i need to be done with boys and just become a ten cent ho to get my kicks. im not good at this relationship stuff. im sorry though, when you break up with someone you dont turn around and kiss them and tell you you love them. thats called being an overbearing man slut who needs to control his hormones. im just saying.

heres to the friends who will talk you through it and then some.
heres to the friends who you know and they know you and youre just comfy with each other.
heres to the friends who will give you their underwear.

go vols.

i made it through the weekend...i cant believe it. now only 4.5 days until i get to go to athens. im soo excited. im ready to see people, and theyll see how im failing at this whole life on my own thing, but it will be worth it just to be with my family again.

i went on a sorority retreat this weekend. i think im going to stick with it. at least see how i feel about it after a year. we played never have i ever (im such a prude i almost won), and it made me realize that maybe there are girls in this group i can identify with. and oddly enough there seem to be a few who already care about me. i even joked around and laughed a little bit. this is new. during the retreat we sat in a circle and went around explaining what object we brought along that was important to us. most brought childhood stuffed animals, pieces of jewelry, or sentimental gifts from graduation. i was never too big on the stuffed animal thing, and i didnt have anything i cared about too terribly much in a sentimental way, so as i was packing i chose a few photographs from the montage above my bed to bring along. as i was putting them in my bag, i realized they were all from this past year...the best year of my life. the last year of my life. i also realized that each image was from a distictive event and of a person/people who will have a lasting impact on my life:

the picture of the ten bs in the burbs that was in the yearbook
kelley and amanda pointing out into oblivion in the ocean on spring break
yousuf making a goofy face during our solo photoshoot
jenny at nirvana the morning after graduation
me holding up amanda's casted arm before prom
me, jax, ryan and yousuf on the couch at their photoshoot at the studio
jordan in the field on a sunny afternoon in july, camera to his face
robyn and i on one of our last nights together dressed like complete sluts
a pile of the people i love the most and could never forget on my couch at my graduation party

these are the people. the times. the memories. that i will cherish forever. they have made me who i am today, and that is why i brought them with me.

SARAH BLUVAS: i cant wait for cheesecake...youre awesome

[d00d check out the myspace it looks awesome and im now up to 690 friends yeyah)