i got up late this morning after a long night last night and realized i dont really want to leave roswell. the drive back is always the worst b/c i dont like driving and i dont want to leave and i know theres a stack of work and responsibility once again awaiting me back in my dorm. funny how my house is now my vacation spot.

but things are different here now. all the friends i still have here are moving along and picking out colleges of their own.

roswell high school is like a different planet now. and not in a good way.

the studio, in my eyes, is falling apart at the seams. jeremy's got one foot out the door, and he was my mentor. he was always my favorite to work with because he was the best one there but he didnt have to follow rules or memorize lighting set up diagrams or mathematical lighting formulas to be so. everyone else who's still there looks like robots at computers thumbing through endless numbers of school yearbook shots and entering data into the system. belton's back with his ex. kelly is still wonderful. dan's still getting crazy and getting laid on tuesday nights. jordan acts awkward around me.

i think we'd all like to think that after we all moved out an left every aspect of our roswell lives just threw down into a rapid and unyielding decline. but the truth is its all just change. we probably wouldnt even recognize it if we were still here. but the fact that we go away and then come back makes it all the more apparent that nothing is constant but change.

damn that scares me.

all that being said i must go back now to knoxville. i must make it the five and a half weeks to thanksgiving...im so excited for break. i must finish out the semester strong. i must avoid the stomach virus and the flu. i must give my life a moral face lift. its needed it for a very very long time.

i think i knew that i wanted to make a change in my life as soon as i get back to knoxville, because last night i think i had my final rebellious bout. and there is no explanation for it, certainly no justification for it. i did the almost unthinkable and i have no defense. i could say im just doing whatever i can to make it to the top, but that doesnt really apply here. it was wrong. just wrong. i just pray to God there's no fallout from it. i will never be able to talk about it because no one could ever forgive me for it. but thats ok. the plan now is to just turn and go.

turn and go.

turn and run.