im sorry kelley i had to tell them, they hadnt seen you in days and you werent answering your phone. you really cant just disappear like that for a few days and expect no one to notice. you have many people who care about you where you are.

on the other hand, if i disappeared for a few days here, no one would notice. for real. my only hope would be if helen realized my pride and joys were still here and i wasnt: computer, camera, car keys. or if yousuf noticed that i hadnt been online in a while. or if ashley took note that i hadnt poked her in a few days. or kelley missed getting random texts from me.

these would be my only hope.

but seriously kelley, go back to your damn alma mater. i love you! for real though, i do. i cant wait to see everyone at thanksgiving. i miss all of you so much. and even if i dont call or talk online or whatever i think about each of you daily, and sometimes the stupidest things remind me of yall.

today is halloween. frank the bunny do yo thang. its funny to think back on this very day throughout the years of my life. once upon a time i was a black kitty in sylacauga, alabama, a hula girl in tulsa, shirley feeney in roswell georgia, and a redheaded slut bitch with social problems in knoxville tennessee.

oh the calories.

remember the candy you always got and you were like eww im not ever gonna eat this no matter how desperate i get after ive eaten everything? i sure do. my least faves included CANDY CORN (b/c lets face it, no one actually likes eating candy corn they just do b/c its october or something like that), BIT O'HONEY- i have no idea what the fuck this candy is but the wrapper always tripped me out so i didnt eat it, TOOTSIE ROLLS/TOOTSIE ROLL POPS- ummm people, a lot of kids dont like these yet theyre cheap so everyone gives you like 23483729847 of them and you end up giving them to your neighbor's cat to try to kill it or was that just me (jk jk animal rights yesssss), NECCO-that shit is chalk that they try to make cause its cheaper to feed kids chalk than have to go through the overhead costs of getting islander slave worker produced sugar cane to put into candy, CHARLESTON CHEW-did anyone else notice that that is just rubber but they put it in this huge stick and write "chocolate" on it so kids are amazed and run around saying "i have a big chocolate stick" and they dont really care how it tastes anymore? there are lots of ways to get big chocolate sticks in the world without eating charleston chew i know this for sure, APPLES TOOTHBRUSHES DENTAL FLOSS OR POPCORN- hey adults, these items are not candy...you are not walmart so save the toiletries for you own hygenic issues. ususally use of this kind of so called "halloween treat" incurred for one of two reasons: 1. your neighbor is a dentist or health nut and feels the need to spread their radical facist views throughout the neighborhood 2. your neighbored whored themself with the halloween candy last night and now theres nothing left for the kiddies, HOMEMADE TREATS- these always sucked because no matter how delicious and sweet they looked, your parents were absolutely certain that they contained razor blades, poison, coccaine, or some combination thereof...because we all know coccaine dealers want nothing more than to spread their precious blow to the eight year olds of suburbia in chocolate-coated form, and finally and most certainly least MARY JANES- can you say marijuana reference on children's candy? plus this candy is wrapped in something that for some reason reminds me of a garbage bag, i dont know what it is and i dont care, it looks like something one of the sketch-assed mexicans on frasier street would try to sell you at 11pm im not gonna eat it.

so that is my manifesto on halloween candy.

i hope that those of you who did not spend the entire evening intoxicating and whoring yourselfs can enjoy your candy free of these aforementioned atrocities to confectionary society.

happy halloween kids