your friends are the ones who tell you the things you already know about yourself you just dont want to imagine are real. and to know that i am out there living my life and going through my day to day and they are not proud of me makes me sad. really sad. i just reached a point where i was tired of my life. a variety of new worlds and new paths was opened to me and i saw that my life could be more than just typical boring old angela watson. but as my life gets more "interesting" (if thats what you want to call it) i feel myself drifting further and further away from them. the overdramatization of things. the innocent "oops did i just do that" attitude is no longer an excuse. its getting old. even i know this, and its me we're talking about. i cant decide if the environment im in now is a breeding ground for continuation of this behavior or a clean slate on which to start. honestly as easy as it seems, this is a pattern of behavior i have found myself in. an "oh fuck it" kind of attitude that has led me to take action that is not in harmony with who i am...correction: who i was and who i want to be. guess what angie youre not the shit. and you know all these things and have for a long time, but your friends are the ones who tell you the things you already know about yourself and just dont want to imagine are real. i am far from an amazing character, but i have enough good qualities that i can be loved and accepted and known without acting in these ways or being this other person. it is my greatest fear that i will return home and no one will like me anymore or people will distance themselves from me because ive changed. if i dont have these beautiful individuals, then honestly who do i have? they are my rock. they keep me in check. they keep doing what theyre doing right now. i kinda want to go home. but i cant do that. i want to go home, but then again i really dont.

i always said it doesnt take much to amuse me, and this is true. i laughed for an hour at the whole asthma thing at lunch and that was not funny at all. im ok with being by myself a lot. it doesnt bother me. so i suppose the question is, if these things are true then why am i not more ok with just living a simple life now? find joy in the crime log everyday. go to the movies. go salsa dancing. work on my sketchbook. and just be happy with that. thats all i need. because if my life was like this, then i would never have to question whether my friends love me and are proud of me. this is the kind of life i should live.

say goodnight and go.

im sorry yall. im ready to work on it for real this time.