hands clean.

ANOTHER Christmas comes to pass. each Christmas has its own unique vibe or feeling, but this one certainly did, as my life is very different than it was last year. the friends i have hear now or composed more of who i make the effort to keep in touch with rather than those i see everyday. something about Christmas being over always leaves me feeling a little empty. all that build up and excitement just for a few lone hours of activity. but afterwards despite the sadness i feel refreshed, like the new year has already begun and its the time to make those changes and start all over again. with new clothes, new equipment and new classes i feel like im more prepared to get closer to that person i so badly want to be. i still have half of my break left to go, but thus far this has been a very cleansing break. cutting off rough edges of my relationships with certain people, cutting off certain relationships completely, creating or solidifying relaitonships that are new to me, discovering the worst parts of myself and better understanding what i must do to get where i want to be.

i looked at my anne leibovitz book last night. i also looked through a fellow UT student's photography and graphic design stuff online. not getting the job with waldorf was certainly a humbling experience, and that coupled with the feedback ive been getting from others about my work lately has made me realize that i am in way over my head. you can't make creativity. you can't learn how to be creative. you can make yourself better at something but you can't make yourself be creative. and being good and being creative are two very different things. what if im not good enough? what if i dont have the ability to compete with all the creative genuises in my field? truth be told i dont have it. sometimes i feel like an imposter trying to make mountains out of mole hills.

do i have it in me?