making memories of us.

(im fully aware two of those pictures arent in focus...what can you do)

the semester is winding down. im screwed in a multitude of ways and even though i havent really even worked that hard all semester im done. i checked out two weeks ago. each week here has a different vibe. a different look. a different smell. a different song. and most importantly, a different feeling. since ive been here ive experienced almost every emotion i can fathom: sadness, grief, stress, happiness, nervousness, giddiness, surprise, silliness, depression, anxiety, expectation, love, appreciation, apathy, laziness, fear, disapointment, confusion, melancholy, nostalgia, adoration, fulfilment, emptiness, creativity, victory, defeat.

Wrapped in silent elegance
Beautifully broken down
As illusions burst
Too late to learn from experience
Too late to wonder how
To finish first

Take me somewhere we can be alone
Make me somewhere I can call a home
'Cause lately I've been losing my own

this weekend was the first time since i arrived that i had a genuinely good time with people who also go to school here. my art show on friday was quite succesful. i made almost 100 dollars, and may have gotten a gallery. i spent the rest of the evening im-ing as usual and listening to love actually from my bed. yesterday i hung out in the room literally all day with helen. when we finally got up we went to cha chas with drew and elizabeth. a little overpriced for the college budget but the food, atmosphere and band were all excellent. we went to the wrong bank to go to the atm so drew had to pay two extra dollars even though his bank was right next door. then elizabeth and helen went to toddies haha. i had no idea this night was headed in this direction. as we headed back to campus we got lost at this sketch playground with only those little animal things you sit on and they bend around. we stopped and played. i laughed. i felt at ease. this was new to me.

we came back and went to walgreens to get some fine cheese dip and some Christmas tumblers. chip picked us up. that wine was awful. blackberry kosher wine. not from a box. we bothered mary beth while she was trying to sleep. in the end there were like 8 people in our room and some random guy was passed out on the floor on my pillow not from anything any of us had done to him. i called all the people i was supposed to call...kelley yousuf alex. i knew amanda wouldnt be awake so i didnt even try. it was just nice to hang out and not feel fake with people for once. just to relax a little and for at least a moment belong. this is the first time i have felt this way since i got here.

meanwhile even though i dont have much of a perception of Christmas right now because it certainly doesnt feel like the holiday season to me, Christmas is certainly in the air. my metz arrived at my house yesterday from new york and my dad has checked it as ok. there are little Christmas trees made out of lighs on top of almost every building in knoxville. the movies are on tv. the decorations are out. there is something about this time of year that, besides egg nogg and family traditions and material hell, also breathes love. just to remind me along with the people around me who are in love how much i dont have all those things and how much i never really have experienced that. i just have kind of given up right now for that. look what has happened to me in the past as far as romantic relations are concerned when i was completely normal. i cant even imagine what it would be like now as im in this limbotic manic emotional state.

we'll all figure it out eventually.

[ONE MORE WEEK]

In the instant that you love someone
In the second that the hammer hits
Reality runs up your spine
And the pieces finally fit

And all I ever needed was the one
Like freedom fields where wild horses run
When stars collide like you and i
No shadows block the sun
Youre all Ive ever needed
Baby youre the one

There are caravans we follow
Drunken nights in dark hotels
When chances breathe between the silence
Where sex and love no longer gel

For each man in his time is cain
Until he walks along the beach
And sees his future in the water
A long lost heart within his reach