back to you.

i made it through monday relatively unharmed, albeit covered in printing ink. its cold as balls up here. im ready for spring...thinner clothes equals more room in my closet. im ready to be able to go out at night and feel my extremities. to wear flip flops. to see green.

meanwhile im living in a day to day world of nonworking dvds, trips to kroger to get bagels, the fray and the garden state soundtrack, my favorite jeans getting a hole in the worst of places, i love new york, running errands, washing dishes, returning emails, getting dressed up, praying that im doing the right thing, staying up late having conversations about everything, making plans for the rest of the semester, wondering if i should feel more sad right now, dishing photographic advice, fridays three course combos, west town mall, gloves and sweaters, finally getting a photographic start here in knoxville, dream furniture shopping, sleeping all day, trying to be more creative, contemplating transfer, being excited for valentines for the first time in my life, lesbian wedding interviews, picture messaging belton, getting random and unexpected mail that gives me closure, finally feeling it once again and the darkroom.

its amazing what happens when you just throw it all down on the table, unfold your white flag and say "i surrender". its never a done deal, its a process, a cycle that you must forge day after day, but if you have it in you to do it, i think it has a lot to offer. so as much as it kills me to know someone out there doesnt think well at all of me anymore, and more importantly that ive lost a friend, a great friend, an important friend. but maybe thats what had to happen. maybe thats how far it had to go for me to understand. maybe i had to leave and experience unconditional love from a higher and greater source than us all before i could ever expect to give it back to a friend and to receive it anymore. so i guess you sacrifice some things to do what He wants. you might lose a friend. you might not live where you want for a while. but in the end, you get whats best.

i feel much more at peace with myself than i did a week ago. most of the circumstances right now say i shouldnt feel at peace, but i do.

the rest will work itself out in time, if thats what its meant to do.

: )