give it up.

in the 7th grade i played piano at a thing called federation. it was where you memorized a piece and played it in front of a judge and they gave you a certificate that told you what level of excellence you recieved.

i worked for months to memorize my piece. i practiced at least 30 minutes everyday, and by the time federation came around, I could play the thing backwards and forwards no trouble.

when the day came, i went into the little room with the judge and sat down at the piano. the notes came easily to me as i began to play the piece. then, as if they got bored and left, the notes stopped coming. i couldn't find my place in my mental sheet music and i couldnt remember a thing. panic set in. there was nothing i could do. there was no one there to help me. my teacher wasnt there, my music wasnt there, hell, my mom wasnt there. all eyes were on me and i was failing miserably. after fumbling through what little fragments of the piece i could remember, i literally ran out of the building.

all eyes on me.

so i find myself feeling very similar today. i pushed the buttons as far as they would go, and now i am reaping the results. there's only one way to find my true self again after all this time, to get back all ive lost, to feel whole again. but that means giving it all up. just throwing everything i've got onto the table and saying "this is all i am and im giving it to You". that means giving up control. this means letting go of some aspects of my life. and sometimes i suppose it takes a few close calls and losing something thats very important to you to realize the damage youre capable of doing. its a sad thing, but its the truth.

so ive talked and talked and talked about all these changes i want to make. this person i want to become, but its all just talk.

and now i find myself sitting on the piano bench again six years later. all eyes are on me. i cant talk to anyone about it, thats not going to make it better. no one could possibly understand what im talking about anyway. i have no teacher or guide to help me make it through, just a few close friends who will help me, but even they can only do so much...they cant do it for me. and i dont have all my friends, ive lost a few in the shuffle, and that kills me to think about, but whats done is done and cant be undone.

i find myself sitting on the piano bench and this thing has been talked to death and theres nothing else to say or think about or contemplate its just a simple matter of getting on with my life and transforming myself according to His purpose.

no sheet music, no teachers, no mom, just me.