something better.

i think my mother and i have the same disease. we talked about it this afternoon as i stood in the kitchen in half my work uniform drinking water out of my pi phi bottle, hair a mess.

we both hate to be hated.

i cant stand the thought of me doing something that would make someone else have ill will towards me in any way. i dont know if its me selfishly looking out for my reputation or if its some sort of guilty conscience keeping me from doing harm to others. but i think more than anything, it is my inability to close the books in my life.

i hate the idea of having a definite end to anything in my life. so i half-close doors. i half ass quit my job just in case i want to go back there again later...wanna make sure they still like me. i act nice when i dont feel that way towards people because i dont know if ill regret ending relationships with them.

i forget that maybe i could do better. maybe i dont need to break friendships nicely, pretend everything is normal and ok when it is not. maybe i deserve better than that. maybe there will be toher friends, just as good if not better. maybe i should remind myself that if im worth what i had in the first place, then i can certainly get all those things and more back again.