split screen sadness

i cant wait to figure out whats wrong with me
so i can say this is the way that i used to be
theres no substitute for time
or for the sadness
split screen sadness
we share the sadness
split screen sadness

i feel as though my greatest fears are coming true. i always knew i wouldnt make a good girlfriend, in fact its something ive always warned potential suitors of. people disagree because they know the aspects in which i am a good girlfriend. but perhaps the bad in me outweighs the good. i think i always knew i wasnt cut out for this game.

i find it impossible to shift from the life ive known for 19 years to a life where i have to take another person's feelings and opinions into consideration before i act. its horrible i know, but i just dont feel like ill ever be any good at compromising, and im not really sure where that leaves me. sometimes i feel like i cant give another person what they deserve, and maybe its better off that i just stay away. i suppose im always worried about standing up for myself and not changing for another person, but there is a certain amount of give and take that has to happen to make things work.

im so confused about how i feel right now im not even sure how to write it. maybe thats a sure sign that im wrong if i dont even know how to explain myself.

this same thing happened before. i went away. he started getting close. i got scared and ran further away. i dont want this to become a cycle.

maybe this is about loss of control.
or maybe im just being mean.
maybe im just scared of being hurt.

i dont even know what my problem is anymore.

and im getting tired of guessing.