covered in rain

i should probably be working on my paper.


or not eating all this food.

but instead i use my two hour stint on the sixth floor of the library to stare at facebook and gorge myself on my sack lunch plus the snack i was supposed to save for later. i spent some time catching up on caitlyn and heather's blogs. heathers was a little harder to get through because shes just started college and though im a year behind her and should be over all that shit, i must admit i find myself feeling much the same way she does still.

i felt like i really accomplished something this summer. by the end of things i felt really good. i felt grown up mature as if i could handle anything even things my friends might never traverse. i felt like i was more professionally accomplished than many people my age and i felt like i had accomplished something by coming up here and being off on my own like this.

sound conceited?

of course it is.

and the best part is none of its true.

it seems as though within the past week or so i have become this fragile doll. it takes almost nothing to have me in an emotional frazzle. tears sobs you name it.

and i dont know what to do.


somethings missing and i dont know how to fix it.

its like everything i rely on up here just falls. i get my hopes up on friendships activities things to keep me busy. and its just like time after time i ended feeling let down and once again alone. if i had to make a list of things i do up here for pure enjoyment it would consist of sitting in the library and looking at photography books and going back to georgia.

excuse me if my idea of fun doesnt involve the lambda chi house.

so then i try to find some kind of alternative. i find a youth group. i get excited. these people are nothing but kind they will make wonderful friends.

only to find that i constantly feel judged. insecure for every part of me.

sorry im not a saint.

seems like in betweens dont exist up here. i suppose if you dont fall into one of the extreme categories you get to entertain yourself for the next three years. im not so sure its better anywhere else.

im so afraid that im that girl.

that girl who died in high school.

im so scared that rhs was my peak and now i get to turn into the girl that went crazy or completely changed for the worst or lost herself along the way.

i feel like im out of options.

i felt optimistic at the beginning of the year. but it seems so far this year isnt shaping up any different than the last. the only difference is that everyone else is getting over it. now im the only one left behind.



And now I’m standing facing west
Tracing my fingers round a silhouette
I haven’t gotten used to yet,
But it’s the brightest thing I’ve got

When I’m covered in rain