Thursday, March 13, 2008

oh no, im listening to arcade fire again.




oh hey there, i forgot about you.

my life has been crazy busy, which is something im not used to. school twice a week, homework sometimes, trips back and forth to atlanta, lots of emails to uga, a small and very much not thriving photography business, oh and lets not forget work all tend to take up fractions of my time.

at the end of the day im usually left with a headache, a messy room and a numb disposition. but i am happy. for once in my life i feel at least somewhat productive. i have to feel productive, i dont have much time for myself, so how much more productive can i be?

i continue to let others walk all over me. whether it be the bride who wants to pay me two dollars to run from here to africa, camera in tow, while holding marbles under my eyelids or my coworkers who bat their eyelashes at me and ask me to cover their shifts with little promise of ever returning the favor. i continue to find myself at the mercy of everyone else's wishes and im the one to blame. i wallow in self pity, but i do it to myself. i had made a lot of good plans for the rest of the semester and now ive either inadvertently canceled all of them or dont even care about them anymore. sometimes it seems like any sense of optimism or stupid joy i had is slowly fading. i dont know whats wrong with me. i guess i just get too excited about things before they solidify, so then im often disappointed. i protect myself by not caring. theres a lot of things i wish i cared about, but im increasingly finding that i dont or dont as much as i used to.

but why care anyway when life is just going to disappoint you right? yeah im sure thats how we're supposed to live our lives, just readying ourselves for the next disappointment.

i dont even know what im talking about anymore.

i would like nothing more than to take a small trip to the beach and go for a walk on it even if it were kinda cold or cloudy and just take a break from thinking about all the shit that gets backed up in my brain everyday, all the things i worry about incessantly to the point where it paralyzes me from taking action. i would like to eat some crab legs or a well-cooked piece of fish, and a brownie sundae or something of the like would be nice as well. i would like to fall asleep in another city.

but the reality is all the beaches are covered over with fucking drunk high schoolers in wet t shirt contests, and i need to lock myself in my room and make 1 million+ self portraits and think about what the fuck "dead heat" means.

i comfort myself by thinking that summer is close, and THEN i can do something on my own terms, do something fun or interesting. then i realize that i have no cool summer plans either, and its unlikely that will change.

so in the meantime, ill just go back to default mode. ill worry about whether or not i can get a job and if not, can i stand to continue in my current one, ill worry about getting into uga even though its months before ill know, ill worry about the first portfolio review, even though theres not too much i can do about it at this point, ill worry that if i eat lunch i might begin to flub around the waste only to cancel my worries out by eating four snickers later in the day anyway, ill worry that somehow i am inadvertently fucking up my relationship with someone in someway and not really realizing it, ill worry about stupid sociology, ill worry that im spending too much of my pay check, ill worry about school next year and whether or not i think i can make it even though school is literally nine months away, ill worry about credits and transfer credits and blah blah blah and im going to be in college forever, ill worry about these gaping holes in my mouth, ill worry that somehow im doing something wrong.

i swear, this is probably the easiest time of my life, and i feel like ive never carried more weight on my back. theres always something to worry about and its starting to take its toll.

1 comment:

  1. im glad you're back! (tho ive kind of been slacking myself recently).

    yes, the beaches are flooded with highschoolers and our fellow college students hopped up on the possibility of a one night stand and buzzing quite nicely at 10am from the two beers they've already had this morning and the shots of patron they took the last night, BUT i am still up for a get-away. i know you have jordan now, and i know we're not the best of friends but seriously.... call me. im in my car. my bags are packed. i am always ready to go. (unless fucking school gets in the way bc of a test or something thats totally out of my control.) but seriously i need some spontaneity in my life.

    as always, i love you more and more with each post. and i totally feel ya on the summer plans. i tell myself things will be different and exciting, that new opportunities will be presented and that i will be able to live on my own terms, but the reality is that nothing grand is going to happen this summer, life will just keep going on as it is, unless we seriously take some crazy leap and do something about it, i guess.

    ps sorry i never got back to you about the pics. things just got away from me, but we WILL meet sometime (soon hopefully) cause i have something for you too.

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