leaving the ground

i wish i had the ability to not be so hard on myself, to not have such high expectations for myself sometimes. i wish i could just live and stop thinking so hard.

today helping jordan pack his things and watching all the other students pile the excessive content of their dorm rooms into their parents' minivans, i realized college is halfway over. ive experienced so much and had so many great unforgettable memories with some unforgettable people, but ive also spent a good portion of it lonely, sad, confused and chasing after the wrong things. and unable to focus on the positive things ive experienced, i cant help but look forward and think in a more "realistic" way that the future is just a dark mass that i dont know how to handle.

last night was so much fun. i spent it with two of my best friends. we went to a scene club and i drank cheap vodka. we came back and sat in an empty room and wasted time, and for once i wasnt worried about tomorrow or even the rest of today. i wasnt worried that it was five in the morning and i have finals next week and perhaps it isnt even appropriate of me to be here. we slept a few hours then got up and ate breakfast food for lunch, the biggest meal ive eaten in weeks. i got a sweet tea that was full of sugar and cost me two dollars i normally might not have spent, but i did not care.

and now im home to an empty house in an empty suburb and the tears start flowing and its back to all this. sometimes i dont understand myself anymore.

i just want to live. i want to love and i want to enjoy myself. i want to go a decent amount of time without crying. what is wrong with me?