playing dead.

i am a complete mess that alternates back and forth on a daily basis. why cant i just relax, let go, forget about it. why cant i just be what i want to be? why cant i just make up my mind? why cant i be proactive instead of sitting online all day?

the last year has had a sense of failure about it. and now i cant seem to pick myself back up after the fall. i needed the sense of escape the sense of starting over, but i dont have that anymore. it all just makes me wish i could just pick up and move somewhere. im tired of being here. im tired of thinking about all these things. im tired of dealing with the same problems and having the same arguments and thinking the same thoughts. this is all killing me from inside. no matter what i do im always hurting others or myself. i feel empty and meaningless. i have nothing to offer anymore. this is not normal, this is not fun. i just want everything to be better. i dont think ive ever felt as frustrated with myself as i do right now. i cant decide whether to stay or run. i guess thats what im doing now, playing dead.