i have plenty of reading to be doing which is why im sitting here writing instead. the above is something ive been working on. (apologies for the shitty color conversions and condensing) talking to jordan the other day made me realize that it is far too early to be giving up on myself, and if indeed i am going to give up on myself then i probably shouldnt spend yet another semester chasing a dream if i dont have one. so im flexing my creative muscles a bit, trying to center myself once again in hopes that something good may come from it. i keep telling myself that i hate graphic design, but working on this project as well as my recent redesigned logo and branding for my photography has made me realize i just hate being in school for graphic design. they really are two completely different things.
im beginning to get the feeling that my competitive drive leaves me somewhat misunderstood with those around me. people tell me all the time they are jealous that i know what i want to do with my life, or at least have a pretty solid idea. believe me, its nothing to envy because once you know what you want to do, then you end up spending all the time others are spending trying out new things and figuring themselves out chasing your dream. im not sure i have it in me to spend the rest of my life in a cubicle (nothing against cubicles, theyre just so confining, and dont generally have a nice view), by the same token i dont want to spend the rest of my life in a box on the street (also confining, possibly better view--just depends on where you place your box i suppose). my completely virgo-esque psychotic obsessive perfectionist way of remedying the pull between the two is to claw at this like nobody's business. that is probably the part people dont understand. i wake up in the morning thinking about these things, planning, thinking of ways to make myself, my skills, my mind better conditioned for what i want to do. im guessing about 99.9999% of people dont take it this far. they dont understand because they dont think this way. they are extremely lucky and probably sleep better at night.
my parents just didnt raise me like that.
but it doesnt matter. its not about my parents, its about me and my future. when (and dammit if) i graduate, i want to look forward to everything ahead of me, not just some things but everything. because if i have to get up every morning and go to a job i hate knowing that its leading nowhere i will kick myself EVERYDAY for not doing EVERYTHING i could to make things different.
so that is why i spend most weekends in hotel conference rooms and country club ballrooms.
thats why im not around physically (or mentally) much of the time.
thats why i act like a fifty year old managing my own psuedo-business out of my college apartment.
thats why i worry about getting into school.
thats why i worry about money.
that eighteen year old girl, the one who wanted to live in new york city and work for vogue and take over the world with her camera and her art and her psuedo-bohemian ideals
shes still here.
she might be different and changed and maybe not think all of the same things or see the world in quite the same perspective, but shes still here, fighting for what belongs to her.
thats why.
No comments:
Post a Comment