4/23/06 3:17pm

i'm ready to put my southern accent back on, the prospect makes me very excited. this weekend was the south aiken high school prom, and taking somewhat of a leap of faith and randomness, i decided to go with an old friend of mine from elementary school. no, i hadn't really talked to him since 5th grade, but you know sometimes cool opportunities come up such that you just can't say know. this is sure to be one of those weekends i look back on and remember as one of the coolest things i did.

everything was simply amazing. i was a little worried that i wouldn't fit in with the group, but everyone made me feel so welcome and a part of the group, and everyone was so nice. when i think about it, i feel like if i still lived in aiken, these people would be my friends. the entire trip was a little surreal, seeing people i had almost forgotten about and whose face i can only remember the 5th grade version. so much has changed, but some things stay the same. there's a reason these people were my friends when i lived here, and i found i still love the very same things about them as i did many years ago.

south aiken prom was probably the polar opposite of what roswell's prom will be like, (i'm pretty sure rhs won't have as gleaming statue of Jesus looking down upon the partygoers) but i enjoyed it much the same. alex was an amazing date and the perfect gentleman (where did the rest of those perfect gentleman breed go?) sometimes its nice to be on the outside looking in, and it is certainly nice to know there are people out there who care dearly for you.

between relay and prom (including late night games of Where's Wang?) i think i have gotten a whopping grand total of maybe 8 hours of sleep this entire weekend. i pretty much look like a drugged out whore right now...hmmm a nap would be nice...

4/22/06 2:53 am

Just got home from relay, and since i have to get up at eight i should prob consider sleep as the next option for activities, i think it'd be a nice choice. in the morning im going back to aiken for prom...how ironic and strange life can be sometimes... a few months ago i would have told you that i couldnt really ever see myself going back to visit and now not only am i going back, im going to prom there! sometimes life hands you opportunities that are too unconventional to pass up. im afraid it might be ackward or weird...i mean i truly haven't really seen or spoken to any of these people since 5th grade and im pretty sure a lot has changed since then, but no matter, i think it will be good. and apparently i have made alex a local celebrity because he's the "guy who's taking the mysterious redhead to prom." i think the whole thing will end up being one of those times when you look back on something and think about how your life would be today if only something different had happened yesterday. what if i had never moved? the answer to that question remains to be seen later today. : )

4/20/06 3:20pm

I dive in at the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you but I don't know if I can

I know something is broken
and I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it anyway I can

i think. im not very good. at being what other people need me to be. and it makes me so sad. because i dont want to hurt anyone. i want everything. yet i give nothing. im such a bad kid.

[this is the one everyone's talkin about]
4/19/06 9:08 pm
I'm writing from starbucks. it costs 9.99 per day to get on the internet here. is anything free anymore? geez louise. so the question of the day deals once again with normalcy. seems to be something that is in question with me a lot these days, haha. i think that abnormal relationships with other people are in a word fabulous. i mean not many people can say they have a truly conventional relationship, obviously some are closer to it than others, but still, i mean what is conventional anyway? out of unusual circumstances arise the closest, tightest and best bonds, and frankly thats good enough for me. plus, when you're a little weird, it keeps people talking and always keeps things interesting. i have a need to shake things up every now and then, which brings me to the infamous picture...As i photographer i am afforded the unique opportunity to record my moments of need to play dress up and be somebody else for a little while. i think that everybody enjoys being different from themselves every now and then, i think it's natural. im the nice, shy, virginal southern girl in real life, so every now and then i have to afford myself the opportunity to be a suicidal crackwhore...its only natural.

4/19/06 7:43 am

word from this morning:

"imagine you're driving in a horrible storm. theres thunder and lightning. you've swerved around downed power lines. branches have fallen from the trees, but you've steered clear. you're a new driver, maybe, but a good driver. Now the storm is passing. You can even turn off the windshield wipers. you go to turn on the radio for some tuens and accidentally drive up over the curb and take out a mailbox. Life is sometimes like this. It's not always the storms of lfe that hurt us. We survive those. We're good at it. It's after the storm when we take our eyes off the road, for just a moment, that we get hurt. We've gained our strength, wisdom and experience along the way, but that means we must not forget-its the small nail that will take out the tire."

how true how true. i am super stressed right now, yet i am still procrastinating like always. at this point i think im just kind of going on auto pilot and hoping everything that needs to be done gets done. if it was up to me, i'd just lounge in my pjs and vchat all day and night, but life, and Charter High Speed Internet Service, seem to have something else in mind.

off to another day of school, let's see how much i can avoid doing till later today.

4/18/06 4:58pm
Aren't friends and loved ones awesome?
I mean they are always there for you and love you no matter what...you certainly can't say that about the cashier in line one at Target. I am very grateful for the people that love me in my life. They have to put up with a lot of crap from me, and somehow amazingly they continue to stick around. I guess I could consider myself the Official Tester of Unconditional Love. I really wish I didn't have to say this, but maybe I enjoy pushing people's buttons. I really hope that's not it. It could be that I'm just so damn moody sometimes. I try to keep myself decent and at bay but as those who know me can see, it doesn't always work. In a few months, I'm going to have to find a whole new mess of people who will put up with my crap. What if I can't find anyone? What if no one else is able to search deep down and find the good in me like these people have done for me? It's something I guess I will have to conquer later. For now, I would like to say to my friends:

Thank you for all that you are to me and all that you do for me. You are my stability and confidants on everything. Each of you pisses me off to no end on a regular basis, but so long as i return the favor (as i know i do) we should be alright. And for now, I just want to sit back and enjoy the time I have with you, its going to be amazing.

Now to the critics I must say:
I am not crazy i promise! Yes, i do take some pictures with questionable subject and content, but does that honestly make me such a bad person? Cmon, cut me some slack. Off-kilterness is wonderful...no one is completely normal after all. Also, I am not a stalker! I feel like i often go out of my way to NOT do things that might be considered stalkerish because people already think I'm crazy (see beginning of this paragraph). Don't worry loves, I'm 18 years old, and while I'll admit i often need people to take care of me, i know how i feel, i know how to handle myself, and im secure with where im at right now.

If you'll excuse me, i'm now going to enter my 5th hour of the day on the computer desperately searching for pix for my portfolio.

4/16/06

i wish things were neat and easy and clean and happy. but they arent. they're messy and sometimes ugly and scary and sad. but after, all i hear thats part of the journey. you have to go through the rough to truly understand the beautiful. and maybe that is what im doing with myself right now. pushing buttons i know i shouldnt and saying things just to see what happens.

it is true, my feelings are valid. once upon a time i did feel like maybe i wasnt getting my share of the pie, but now i think maybe that was a wrong way to go about it. when a relationship isnt exactly normal, then how can you expect ANY part of it to be conventional? its not bad and its not wrong, its just that other people might not understand or condone it. but oh i forgot, what do they matter anyway?

i know how i feel and in truth thats all ive got. i cant control the way other people feel and react to the things i say and do. i only hope i can be someone that my friends and family will be proud of and someone that is capable of being loved and being a good love-er.

oh yah, and im sorry, but what happened to normal anyway? i mean people can evaluate my life however they'd like, but in truth, what is their right to say anything? nobody is completely conventional because no one can truly ever define what normal is...there's always room for argument.

i take back what i said. i dont think i was being a selfish bitch for saying what i said because that is how i felt and no one can condone the way you feel personally, but i dont feel that way anymore. im learning how to play a game ive never played before and im really bad at it. i sometimes wonder if anyone out there in the world would care enough and have enough patience with me while i plod my way through the rulebook.

i can be so ungrateful sometimes. here someone is throwing love right at me and all i can do is wonder when he's going to move on to the next best thing. the past can be blinding i suppose, but thats no excuse.

4/15/2006 12:19am

essential question of the day, maybe even of the week:

can one person love two people at once without slighting one or the other?


oh and also, prom's annoying.

4/11/06 5:08pm

Do you believe
in what you see?
Emotion is sweet
Nothing is real
I'm wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
in what you see?

It seems to be that the question of the day is this: am I wasting my time in the waiting line? Lord knows i've spent too much time in it previously, and now am i just doing more of the sad same? sometimes, something is good enough to deserve the wait, in fact, its so good it almost demands a wait. but other times it seems like waiting is something i should not have to do, it should be my right to jump ahead of the line. i dont want to sound like some spoiled demanding bitch who thinks she's above everything and everyone, but at the same time, i think that i deserve to be treated well. maybe i honestly just think too highly of myself, but i feel like im deservant of someone who loves me so much that he will do anything for me and truly wants to be with me, not be with me after he attends to the others in the line ahead of me. i guess its all just a matter of priorities, but my feeling is this: i've been in so many waiting lines in my life and im just tired of being the one sitting around waiting for things that dont happen or just end up hurting me.

love is a lot of things and i know i am far from understanding what true love is but i know this for sure: not everything is my fault and my responsibility. i shouldn't have to chase. and if i do, then that just makes me feel that much stupider for not running like hell when i saw the sign that says: "wait here".

4/10/06 8:02 pm

hmm i'm sure there's homework i should be doing now, but no matter...

when i got home from spring break, i noticed something very happy: the grass is green. also, the trees have leaves and they are green too. yay.

roswell high is much the same as when we all left it over a week ago, but still i cant help but get the feeling like something's different. I don't think i'm different, maybe a little....or maybe i am very different, i'm not quite sure. or maybe nothing is different really, i just have comfort in knowing that after i got through spring break i really didn't have any actual school left. this is exciting news. summer is awesome and here is why:
1. no school and therefore i only have to see the people from our school i actually like
2. i can see said likable people anytime i want because we got nothin but time
3. i can use my cell phone whenever i want!
4. the closest i get to any type of math is trying to figure out how much my new bikini will set me back if its on the 33% off rack
5. night swimming, need i say more

oh its gonna be a good one, i got a feeling this time : )

Meanwhile everyone is freaking out about prom. I would be freaking out too i'm sure (if i had a date). But i do not have a date and therefore am more excited about the weekend beforehand when i get to go to prom with a bunch of people i haven't seen since 5th grade and in truth don't know very well. That's a horrible attitude to have, but oh so true.

bitter anghst, oh how you follow me around.

4/8/06 3:19 pm

One last car ride: were on the way back to R-Town, which apparently was hit by multiple tornadoes last night. Geez, what a story to come home to. We can all hope that maybe the power wont be back on by Monday and well have a special day off of school. That would be totally ok with me, I could use a vacation from vacation. Traffic is absolutely a nightmare, and it looks like were about to run into a severe thunderstorm at any minute, but all is well.

Sometimes I think about who out of all my friends I will actually keep in touch with in the long run. As much as Id like to say that all my friends and I will still be getting together 20 years from now for pimento cheese sandwiches and juice spritzers, I dont think its realistic to say that we will all be best buds after this whole high school thing is over. Despite this, I know there are a select few that I will be sure to keep in touch with once this is all said and done, and the two girls I am with on this trip are sure to be part of that select few. Were very good together, we can be together for long periods of time, and never get tired of each other. Sometimes, my relationship with Kelley is nothing short of scary. We even share a salad perfectly: she really likes the light green crunchy lettuce that I dont care for, and I like the really bright green pieces; we both like the croutons, but not so much that we hog them from the other. Who else would I not only let call me a whore, fucking idiot, etc. but also laugh profusely at said nicknames? Good friends are hard to find, essential to life, and impossible to forget. This is true.

I care about my girlfriends a lot because they seem to know me better than I know myself much of the time. They provide candid and honest advice from an outside viewpoint that I think is so important to have. They arent afraid to tell me the truth even when it hurts or isnt fun to hear. Thats why its so important for me to have their blessing on all the big decisions I make. Last night I stayed up almost all night, save about 45 minutes, in order to be tired for lots of naptime in the car. This didnt completely work because I cant sleep now for some reason, but Kelley was with me most of the night last night, so it was pretty easy for me to stay up all night. Over a delicious delicacy of animal crackers, we talked about a lot of stuff. Love, its existence, how its found, how its kept, what it is. I dont really know how long we talked, but im glad we did. For the longest time I felt scared to tell her about a lot of the things going on in my life because I felt like she would judge me and think less of me for them, but after last night I realize that she wants whatever will make me happy and what I want; although if she sees a problem she will be the first to let me know, she wants me to feel comfortable telling her anything because she will never judge me or think less of me. I know that this is what friends do for each other, but sometimes you just get so off track you kind of forget that, and you get scared that your friendship is no longer what it used to be. I know now that even though we as people have changed significantly, even just in the last 4 months, our friendship will always be the same, and that is perfectly fine with me.

Now comes the fun part. Six weeks left. Stress. Excitement. Confusion. Joy. Sadness. All these things and more. I am about to explode with love and im not the least bit afraid to admit that anymore. I cant wait.

You can bet Ill take pictures all along the way.

Oh yeah, and im proud to say im spoken for.

If you’ll excuse me, I think I might finally be getting tired, and regardless, I think its about time somebody in this car called for a Self Checkout. Yea-yah.

4/7/06 7:17 pm

Today was like yesterday, no long car rides. Except for some reason, it takes us four hours to get absolutely anywhere on this trip, so we did have a bit of car time I wasnt expecting.

But it wouldnt have mattered b/c I’m always in a thoughtful mood.

Look who’s alone now
Its not me
Its not me
Those three wise men theyve got a semi by the sea
Gotta ask yourself the question
Where are you now
Gotta ask yourself the question
Where are you now

[WISEMEN]

Giddy. That is the only way I could describe how I feel right now. I just spent a relaxing week with my two closest girlfriends in a beautiful place. I didnt think about school or any of the other junk that tends to bend my mind. I got a huge scholarship I wasnt exactly expecting to get this week. I got lots of presents this week: a lot of people I am thankful to have in my life.

I realize that I am loved.

When you know that, that you are loved, it makes everything better. It makes you feel more settled and purposeful and happy with yourself. It makes you more pleasant to be around. It makes you more kind to others. I am so lucky.

And by the way, I love you too.

4/6/06 4:22 pm

No long car rides today. Just the 30 minute drive to the outlet mall we’re about to do for our evening activity. We’re such crazy cats on spring break like that.

Some days are just happy, and that’s that. I stayed up insanely late last night till God knows when while Amanda and Kelley slept, so when they roused me out of bed this morning, I should have been pissed and cranky, but I wasn’t.

Some days are just happy. We went to the beach and it was crowded but beautiful. The wind was blowing, so even though it was hot it felt pleasant and I could soak up the sun without feeling scorched.

Some days are just happy. When you’ve got something to look forward to and something to think about and good people around you, some days are just happy.

I’m not sure how many readers in full I actually have out there in cyberspace, but I’m pretty sure there are at least 3 semi-regular male readers. To you, I must give a precursor to this next paragraph: In case you didn’t know, it is biologically encrusted into the brain of every girl to want to plan out her future life. By the time she gets married she will know exactly what her wedding will look like, who will come, what color cummerbund the groomsmen will wear, and even the color and style of the dinner napkins. Females are just planners by nature, try as we may, we just can’t really help it.
So, you ask (because you are a curious and inquisitive reader) what is Angie’s perfect homelife like. Well reader, I will tell you:

My ideal house would be a clapboard house in the old district of Charleston, South Carolina. Something about that area is just so laid back and beautiful. Unfortunately none of these homes go for under a million. So, in that case, I would love an old mission style house from the thirties with a big front porch, and as clique as it is, a white picket fence. My house would not have to be very big, because it would just be me and my man, and of course our dog. My ideal dog would be, I can’t remember the name of the breed, but its some type of mid-sized curly terrier. This dog would catch Frisbees. The house will be decorated in a mix of 1950s/60s Danish Modern Swag, vintage eclectic and modern styles. The house will be small but open with hardwood floors and a small pool in the backyard. I’ll have a studio inside so I can do whatever art I’m doing at the time. My pictures will be all over the walls. I’ll still have a cute little Mac and a Jetta, thought I may upgrade models between now and then. My man and I will eat breakfast in bed and laze around the house on rainy days and sometimes we’ll travel to exotic locations and I’ll take lots of pictures. I’ll be a wonderful cook and everything I make will be unique and different, but always tasty and special. Some Saturdays we’ll got to the flea market and marvel and all the junk around. We’ll have friends that we go out with on occasion, but we’re also just fine being just the two of us. On the front porch there’s a swing where I like to sit and read and look at art books I get from the used book store down the street.
It’s sure to be lovely.

Haha, I’m weird like that. I’ve got to have it all figured out. Will this go according to plan? Probably not, but its fun to daydream : )

4/5/06 12:55pm

We were on our way back to Boca from Marathon, but right now we’re sitting still. Some Airstream somehow flipped itself down the road. Good we just passed it, we’re moving again. Wonder how they managed that. Hope everyone’s ok. I hope even more that Tessa will stop yelling about eggs and obnoxiously blowing her nose. So we’re in for another 1 hour and a half drive, but looking at past instances, it is quite possible this could take the greater portion of the day. I’d much rather be sunning on Sombrero Beach or sitting by the pool back in Boca, but we deal we deal. I enjoy the time spent listening to all my new illegally-downloaded music loud enough to drown out the “ambient noise” shall we call it? and writing to all my faithful beautiful readers of the deep thoughts in my mind. Haha.

Let’s keep talking
Anything to stop clockwatching
Lately we’re running out of time
Aren’t we?
Crazy for running all the time?
Maybe.
Let’s forget we’re running out of time
I’m off like an aero plane
I’m licking your postage stamp again
I’m using my right brain
And I’m prayin that we don’t crash
Who knew I’d come so fast?

[CLOCKWATCHING]

It’s the greatest topic of discussion amongst my friends that everyone wants to talk about and no one wants to talk about. Time. Face the facts, we’re running out of it. But the next 3 months or so have been promised to me to be some of the greatest and most beautiful and most special and most memorable of my life. That is quite possibly what scares me the most. As far as leaving my friends and all is concerned, that part hasn’t hit me yet. I’m just scared that all these great times are gonna happen and I’m not gonna take it all in or I’m gonna miss something or not get everything out of my high school experience that I was supposed to.

After my 10% off stat test on Monday though, and a little bit of cramming for AP exams, and running around like crazy getting slides taken and photos printed for my portfolio, and of course wanting to kill myself with a few modules, school is as good as done. It’s all goodness from here on out. What I have surmised is that the best way to truly get everything out of it that I’m hoping for is to forget about all the sad sentimental stuff for now and just go for it.

I guess it all goes back to yesterday’s entry: mistakes. I think for now its best to just make the mistakes and go for it. When you spend too much time worrying about consequences that in the grand scheme of life don’t really matter, you miss a beautiful view. For now I’ve just got to take it all for what it’s worth and not think about it too much, cause I think it’s very apparent just from this last series of entries alone that I think way too much about things. 06 bitch, lets get crazaaaay.

Its not so pleasant
And its not so conventional
It sure as hell ain’t normal
But we deal we deal.

It’s gotten worse this year. People calling me and a lot of the stuff I do weird. However simultaneously, my creativity has flourished more than ever before, and the praise I have received for my artistic ventures has exploded. The conclusion? Weirdness=more creativity. It does get old being called weird all the time, but in the end, I don’t mind it that much. I don’t think I know how to be this so-called “normal” of which people speak anymore. I think worrying about being normal might be another one of those things that will prevent me from taking in these experiences completely. Truth is, I know exactly what I want, I’m just afraid to go for it. I know exactly what kind of experience I want to have. I feel like sometimes life hands me what I want on a silver platter, and I’m too afraid of what “might” happen to take a hold of it.

It’s about time I stopped being scared and started getting hurt, being the bad girl, getting in trouble, and breaking a few hearts. Don’t worry loves, you know I’m not gonna go off the deep end or anything.

It’s just time to stop thinking. After a year of AP Statistics, my mind could use the break.

Current Playlist:

Wisemen-James Blunt
Neighborhood #3-The Arcade Fire
Love and Some Verses-Iron and Wine
Clockwatching- Jason Mraz
Camisado-Panic! At the Disco
Saint Simon-The Shins
We Looked Like Giants-Death Cab For Cutie
Float On-Modest Mouse

4/4/06 9:38pm

In the car again on the way back to Marathon from an evening in Key West. Not gonna lie that place is a little sketchy, but its got a pretty cool vibe. I could’ve spent several days there taking pictures, but in truth I didn’t really take many of the shots I could have. I always feel bad making people wait around for me or go off to some weird area b/c I’m obsessed with photography. I never get all the shots I want. Oh well, one day when I get old enough I’ll travel on my own. Either that or I’ll get a best friend or boyfriend who totally gets it and doesn’t mind following me around into ditches and alleyways to get the best angle.

Sooo like I said, I’m in the car again. So far we have not spent a day of our vacation not in the car, and I know at least tomorrow won’t be any different, so what that means for you lucky readers is a whole nother load of deep thoughts from Angie!

And all our sins
Come back to haunt us in the end
To hang around
To tap us on the shoulder
And smile silent
Its all implied you’ll die tryin
So to live this down
You might as well forget it

Still I’m convinced
What if “what if” is the worst thing there is
So we bottled and shelved all our regrets
Let them ferment and came back to our senses
Drove em back home
Slept a few days
Woke up and laughed
At how stupid we used to be.

[MISTAKES WE KNEW WE WERE MAKING]

Would it be so bad to do something you knew wasn’t what was best but do did it anyway? Like a kid testing the limits of his mother’s patience, testing the boundaries of the ability to live a life on the edge of going against everything everyone is telling you without completely slipping…is this so bad? Is it perhaps a quite normal thing? Should we as individuals make a “mistake we knew we were making” on a regular basis? It almost seems to me that this may be part of healthy functioning…? And is it not possible, that if you kept an optimistic attitude in mind that you might just be able to prove everyone wrong and the “mistake” you were making may turn out to not be a mistake at all? I bet there are a lot of occurrences out there in the world in which many people judged it initially as a mistake, but in the end it worked out beautifully. So with that in mind, should we ever listen to the critics? How much do they really know what they’re talking about? At the same time, is it worth it to go against their well-intentioned advice when there’s still a great possibility that from their vantage-point, they know something you don’t and may actually be right?

Without the bad there is no good. Its true that we have to make mistakes in order to understand what success and right decisions are. If we did everything right all the time, we wouldn’t know it was right because we wouldn’t know or understand wrong.

That being said, would it be safe to say it is ok to run myself into the ground a little bit, just for kicks, just to get it out of my system, just to get those mistakes out of the way?

mistakes we knew we were making.

All depends on what your idea of a mistake is. I’m not so sure there is such thing as a mistake as most people define the word. I think everything happens for a reason and happens for a purpose. Maybe some things are unfortunate, but that is life.

If you’ll excuse me, I have some mistakes to go make now.

And remember kids, mean people suck, but nice people swallow : )

eww.
these are tarpon that we fed i dont really know why we did it but they will kill you, so watch out.


tree huggers.
4/3/06 9:50 pm

Greetings from Marathon. I know yall all feel very fortunate that after a long search, I found an internet connection. Here's what i wrote earlier in the car on the way: aka more unnecesarily deep thoughts from angie:
4/2/06 11:58 am

We’re back in the car again on the way to Marathon in the Keys. I will be excited just to see some beach. I hear there are great pictures to be had down here too, which of course for me and only me is happiness on a stick.

Something about car rides. I can’t read while I’m in the car, and as great of a movie as it is, I just can’t get into The Santa Clause right now. Car rides are good for two things for me: listening to music and thinking. Something is insanely wrong with my ipod, so I had to get my laptop out cause I can’t sit in silence like that. So, naturally I knew you, my faithful readers would want to know what’s on my mind. Here’s what I’m listening to right now:

There are things that drift away
Like our endless numbered days.

Springtime calls her children
Till she lets them go at last.

There are things we cant recall
By the night that finds us all

Winter tugs her children
And their fragile china dolls

But my hands remember hers
Rolling round the shaded ferns

Naked arms are secrets still
Like songs I never learned

There are names across the sea
Only now I do believe

Sometimes when the window’s closed
You sit and think of me

But she’ll mend his tattered clothes
And they’ll kiss as if they know

A baby lives in all of us
So scared to be alone

“Our Endless Numbered Days” Iron and Wine

A baby lives in all of us, so scared to be alone. How true. I try to be patient with time and fate and all those invisible things that seem to dictate what we all do everyday, but I do get tired being alone. Frankly, sometimes I get quite scared. To be alone is not normal, and honestly, as crazy and annoying as love can be at times, it must be worth something. Otherwise, why would everybody be searching for it so much? Yesterday, I talked about what love meant to me, but maybe an equally valid question would be, what am I looking for, personally?

I guess the short version would be this: something sweet and fulfilling.

I want a relationship that is light and airy and at the same time heavy and deep. I don’t want my significant other to be my identity or my master. I want my significant other to be my best friend, unlike any other friend I’ve ever had before. I want to spend days and nights with him and never get tired of him. I want to get mad at him and get in fights and bicker like we’re married and then 10 minutes later laugh about it. I want him to appreciate me for my talents and self, but not be too obsessed with me. I want him to love all the stupid things I say and do even when I feel really dumb for the way I am. I want us to make each other better people. I want someone who will embrace my naiveté as a positive thing. I want everyday with him to be something new and more of the same all at one time. I want someone who will go with me to the doctor and hold my hand. I want someone who makes me grow in faith. I want someone who values honesty and trust. I want someone who is an opposite of me, but not too opposite. I want someone who can laugh at life, and understands my sense of humor. I want someone who “gets me” I want someone who I can feel safe with. I want someone will let me into places no one’s ever been before and who will trust my advice. I want someone who will let me have my space and let me smother him too. It would be nice if he could play the guitar.

I’m pretty sure it is impossible for this person to exist.

This somehow in the twisted canals of my mind leads me to the issue of faith.

I think I’m really bad at faith. I have too much faith in some people, and not enough in others. I don’t easily trust males for some reason. But once they have my trust completely, I let all barriers go. Is that too much faith at that point? Does one always have to wary of another? Is that normal, or is being wary of another a warning sign of an unhealthy relationship? Can you really ever just “let it all go” and give your trust completely over to someone, or do you always have to have reservations? This is what I hate about myself. The naiveté makes me feel so stupid for not having figured these things out by now. I’m so behind everyone else, I’m going to be the girl that does all the stupid relationship things you were supposed to do way back in the day in middle school so you’d have yourself and others figured out by the time you got to where I am now. But I didn’t. So now I’m here. In a van. More south than I’ve ever been in my life. Talking to myself on the computer.

There’s this delicate balance between giving yourself over to another and keeping yourself inside. Like I said, it’s a very delicate balance. I haven’t figured out quite yet how to work this scale, and I don’t know quite when I will figure it out. I just hope I don’t get left too far behind.

Woah that was long, but im sure you enjoyed it. more stuff tomorrow hopefully!

4/2/06 10:43pm (daylight savings time was yesterday sweet!)

Greetings from Rats Mouth Florida. Lucky for all you faithful readers, I have an internet connection here! Here's a random tangent from earlier today on the long car ride down:

4/2/06 3:35pm

Random thoughts on a long car ride:

I wonder what it will be like in 2 months to say goodbye to all these people I’ve been with in upwards of four years. Or better yet, what it will be like when I say goodbye to the people that are really close to me at the end of the summer? Its something I wonder about but don’t really want to think of right now.

My next question is this: How far does forgiveness reach? I mean even when people make really big mistakes or do really wrong things, is it possible that it truly was just a lapse of judgment or a moment of stupidity, or is it an irreconcilable condition? When is enough enough? I mean it is my belief that forgiveness is not only important, it is crucial. But once you forgive what happens next? Do you go back to the way things were before? If you do that are you just setting yourself up to get hurt or being like a stupid little child who didn’t learn her lesson the first time? Is it such a bad thing that you want to trust the person like no other and you want things to go back to the way they were before even though its not right and it ended badly the last go round? Why is it I just can’t help myself but be this way?

And here’s a great peripheral question: what is love?

I’m not exactly an expert on the subject. It’s pretty easy for me to say I love you to people because I think deep down we both know its not the same as the love you say to the person you marry. That love is much deeper and needs much more cultivation before it comes to be. I think there are different kinds of love. There’s friend and family love. There’s lust, which isn’t the same as love. There’s romantic love. And then there’s true love. I heard a man once say that if you feel like telling someone you love them, u must check yourself first: “would I die for this person?” if you can honestly completely answer yes, then that is true love.


But more importantly than anything, since this is my self-absorbed and narcissistic blog, is my opinion on what love is. Love is friendship that over time becomes something more, but still always no matter what has that core of friendship. Love is acceptance. Acceptance of what the other has to bring to the relationship, acceptance of each other’s faults, acceptance of the compromises you have to have in order to be together, acceptance of the love you have to offer one another. Love is adoration. Adoration of the good things, adoration of the bad things. Unconditional adoration. Love isn’t a contest, or a point-keeping game, no one ever owes each other anything; you both just always accept the score and move on no matter who’s right or wrong. Love is unconditional affection for another that just grows over time. Love is when every damn thing you see reminds u of that person. Love is when the person follows you even into your dreams. Love is being able to tell the person anything and knowing that they won’t judge you or think worse of you, and even though you may not always like their response, they will always care for you. Love is sometimes having a relationship that only the two of you can truly understand, but everyone can see the affection. Love is always surprising in nature. And love is most certainly blind.

Love is a complex emotion I’m not sure I completely understand yet, but that’s just me.

More goodness to come. Wish me lack of sunburn and good fortune on the beaches of south florida. i hope you all are enjoying your global travels or lack thereof as well. : )