hmm these are by far some of the least attractive pictures of me ever, why i felt the need to put them up here is beyond me...too many toothpicks=insanity. why am i in art classes? i think im supposed to be like a business major or something more concrete like that. im not cut out for dropping eggs off of buildings and drawing abstract shapes in charcoal and being all cool and awesome like that.

im in that state of being certain i have no idea who i am or where im at. maybe im not a sororiety girl. maybe im not an artist. maybe im not a good girlfriend.

but robyn abree says take it day by day and if theres ever anything thats come out of that girls mouth that i can use it must be that. of course my favorite is the robyn-angry-at-the-male-race-angry phrases. those are surely the best. like: "hey everyone, i felt it and it was small" or "my boyfriend is like six different cultures and you're not you monocultural hormonal bastard"

i miss my mother fuckers in roswell

scuse the french i had to do it. sometimes it gets the point across.

what kind of world do you want?

what kind of world do you want?

what kind of world do you want
think anything
lets start at the start
build a masterpiece
be careful what you wish for
history starts now

after a long conversation with kelley last night, i am reminded that in life there are no guarantees, no shortcuts, and no ultimate answers. theres the way society says to do it, and then there are a million other ways to conduct your life. guess what, all roads lead to rome. you can get where you want to be in a variety of ways, there isnt one path to the end that you must take. grant it, some paths are more treacherous, more frowned upon, longer and more risky than others, but its possible such paths lead to a greater reward. its fun to take the road less travelled by.

the truth is, i am here in God's Country to go to school if nothing else. i didnt go where everyone else did. i didnt pick a very stable major. i didnt start a relationship with someone who lives here. basically by definition, i did everything completely wrong.

but there is no one path to righteousness.

there is no one path to success.

there is no one path to true love.

we all get there eventually. im ok with the way my life is right now. im content and satisfied. and best of all, i am LOVED.

so as i leave my room and disperse myself into the mixed menagerie of young and eager pupils all hung over from last night's panty drop night, the biggest party night of the year apparently here on campus, im alright.

<3

pref night 2006

"life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go"
-k. urban

i decided to stick out the whole rushing process b/c i wanted to make sure i wasnt missing out on anything and quitting too early when maybe there was something down the line that i needed to see. last night was preference night, which is the serious formal night of rush week where the sororieties that you are still in the running with tell you what the sororiety has meant to them. it tends to get very emotional and even though right now i have no formal attachment to any of these groups, i felt the love.

so i think im going to go through with it. go through the pledging process. see if it takes over my life or suddenly transforms me into a mindless barbie. if nothing else it could provide me something to do on a friday night other than html code chamaeleon's myspace like i did this past friday.

however i must underscore how hard it was for me to make this decision. you see, these girls kept going on and on about the bonds of sisterhood that they share and how theyve met their best friends through the sororiety. but kelley is my best friend. and i dont want that to change despite distance. and i just dont see jordan really getting into the revenge of the nerds date party with me. i want to meet new people and make new friends, but i dont want to replace the ones i have. kelley and i share a special bond that i would hope no group or other person could ever touch.

this is when i remember that i live in knoxville now.

kelley and i talk to each other often, but she does not live here and i do not live there. we dont share the same life anymore and there's nothing wrong with that. i have to let go of a life that isnt my own anymore. i have to move on. im not packing my stuff up in a week and going back to roswell and saying this whole thing was just a summer camp experience for a little while and now back to my old life. this is my life now.

of course i should probably save the emotional hogwash for when i actually know that i have a bid from one of the chapters.

let go
let go
jump in
oh well what you waiting for
its alright
cause theres beauty in the breakdown.

please be kind and rewind.

if i could do it again i wouldnt do it the same.

i'd have spent less time with senor asshole and more time with the obvious. the person standing in front of me everyday. the person quietly observing from afar. the person who would have taken me to prom. the person who wont hurt me and i know it.

unfortunately in life we dont have that luxury. yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery we have only today let us begin.

so i begin.

i begin a new life in a new place all on my own. i feel lonely and quite discombobulated if you want to know the truth. making friends is not easy, especially when you come off of having basically the greatest group of friends ever. but i think above all i can be happy with just casual friends. ive heard it said so many times that you meet your best friends in college but i dont think i would be so far fetched to say that maybe kelley and i are an exception to the rule. the important trick to being alone is just to find comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in the world, someone loves you.

and someone does. i think a few people do.

im a happy fish. b/c someone out there cares enough to know that this is unconventional and doesnt make sense and may not work but willing to try b/c its that important.
im so happy about all this.

i wish i wasnt so far away.

but sometimes in the end its the phonecalls and the letters and the emails and the stupid things that make it work.

if you can tough this out you can handle anything.

and that makes me a happy girl.

the art building where i will now live.


Brothers and sisters feel fine
It's the time of your lives
It's the time of your lives
No sound, no sound
Like this feeling you've found
Like this feeling you've found

But just stay down
'cos some sounds you'll feel
So stay round
And some sounds you'll feel

And it's me they're looking for
And it's me
I will never survive

"brothers and sisters" coldplay

this is my home now. my habitat. my dwelling. this is going to take some getting used to. i think as i get older i just get worse and worse about this whole meeting people and being social thing. but im not giving up. i never will. because it always gets better, and if it doesnt get better it gets worse, and that sucks.

i didnt get invited back to the sororiety i wanted. this may be a blessing in disguise. i swear the only one that keeps showing interest in me over and over again is the one that has the sluttiest and biggest party girl reputation. should i read into this as something i need to recognize about myself? so unless i fall madly in love with one of the three groups who still want me it looks like greek life is out for me. and just when im getting all sad and stuff, i swear out of nowhere these two girls show up in my room. like not at my door, IN my room (and the door was shut too i think thats actually breaking and entering) they were looking for someone named sarah and they never found her here but they were from a church group and maybe thats where i need to be right now. its like i said before. i feel like unless it will help me accomplish the goals i have in the end for myself, then maybe its not worth my time and maybe this is a sign that those things are not worth my time. im serious when i say ive got a lot of work to do here, as dorky as it may sound.

the best and worst thing about Baptist churches: once you visit they dont leave u alone. this is bad b/c they dont leave u alone. this is good b/c everyday i have mail advertising some churchwide program or a letter from surely a little old lady telling me Jesus loves me, etc.

today was the first day of classes. i spent about an hour in the bustling atrium of the art building wasting time reading my book on the science of photographic lighting and basic photographic principles before my art history class. a very old man in a blue seersucker suit came and sat down on one of the concrete walls that abound and ate an ice cream cone and looked around with the biggest and most content grin on his face i have seen in a while. i wish i could be an old man in a blue seersucker suit eating an ice cream cone and looking around in a senile yet happy manner a: because i would be wearing a seersucker suit b: because i would be eating ice cream c: because i could be senile and it would be a-ok.

the old man reminds me of the simple pleasure i now more fully recognize. when you dont have swirls of activity or tons of friends or familiarity surrounding you, you begin to find joy and happiness in the little things. buying the 700-page september couture issue of vogue yesterday made my day. its a magazine. its not important or big. but still it was wonderful to me. the little rewards in life are what give u something to look foward to. something to love. something to work toward. something to keep going for.

so as we all shut off our bed bath and beyond deluxe edition swivel-headed clip-on dorm desk lamps in metallic kiwi, we treasure the things that keep us going everyday.

for amanda its the comfort of heavyset black basketball players next door who will walk her home from class and the always-beautiful glow from her life-size cutout of kasey kane.

for my grandma its a phone call from me.

for robyn its her pink bedspread that she finally won out on.

for jordan fabulous its his grand need and ability to white balance and cup after cup of good coffee and expresso, made at all hours of the day.

for mr. steve sparling its a text message from his daughter.

from my mom its calling up "her girls" and checking up on them.

for kelley its a family-sized box of wheat thins and a john mayer poster.

and for me its a too-large portion of famous amos traditional chocolate chip cookies, the september cotoure issue of vogue, the pictures that hang above my bed, and the phone call i get every night (give or take).

and for us all, there is the promise that one day we will make something greater and more amazing of ourselves. until we do, the little things get us by.

i rent a room and i fill the spaces with wooden places to make it feel like home.

but all i feel's alone.


today was a lonely day.

it appears that maybe since im not blonde and in love with vols football, kelley clarkson, "kinny chaysney", and the color powder pink, i may not fit in as well as i had hoped.

i hate awkward transition phases.

and it would be so easy for me to just spend an immense amount of time by myself right now. i guess thats what i did today though. i got up at l1:30, which is insanely late for me. spent over an hour getting ready for the fashion show that is rush aka "fall recruitment". grabbed some absolutely delicious (not) hawaiian chicken at merrel. went to rush until 6. grabbed dinner and talked to robo on the phone. went to the libary to try to finish summer reading. called my folks. and then started writing this. im kinda stuck in this awkward place right now. if i could just go off and do the things i want to do like spend immense amounts of time reading about everything ive ever wanted to know in the library or going to the riverwalk to take pictures, then i would be just fine. but i feel like i cant or shouldnt do that b/c that would be antisocial and now is the time to be putting myself out there and meeting people and doing those things will accomplish neither of those. but the truth is, i refuse to be fake. i didnt meet the friends i had that way and i dont intend to meet the friends i will that way either.

as depressing as this all may sound, things are looking up. i had pretty much turned my back on the whole greek life thing but then today during rounds i talked to this girl in one of the chapters and she and i really clicked. they seem pretty down to earth and school-oriented but not in a dorky way. i just feel at this point if i could get in with someone like them it could be a really good easy way to make the transition here and have a strong base of friends without having to go through too many awkward pleasantries to get there.

maybe this is just a lazy easy way out.

but who knows these days im one way one day and completely opposite the other. like robyn said, check one of the journals from two summers ago that is floating around somewhere out there in space and u will find a list of angies requirements for who she dates. superimpose that with her history thus far and you will see, it is a very bad idea to say never.

i dont want to be tied down but i sure do miss some certain people.

but i am determined to make it here. i didnt take the easy way in and i knew i wasnt, but i refuse to back down.

at least for now : )

ahhhh to rewind the past month and do it all again.

i miss all my roswell friends. i feel like an outkast bad kid right now. but im not.

robyn says dont get stds.

bye kids!

i rent a room and i fill the spaces with wooden places to make it feel like home,

but all i feel's alone.

campus is officially buzzing. the presidential courtyard outside my dorm room is alive with activity, but im just too tired to go out. rush was crazy today. thirteen sororities. all afternoon going from suite to suite making small talk. everyone here is so nice, but im just not sure im cut out for that kind of thing. i have so many personal and professional goals i want to accomplish right now and i guess i have to decide if the greek life can help me to do that and if i even have time for it. i found a calendar that has movies being played throughout the semester on campus. some of my favorites: the squid and the whale, boogie nights, match point. i'll be there.

i got real sad today. i walked past my mailbox and there was something in it! i rushed upstairs to get my card with my combination on it, ran back down, then realized i was looking at the box above mine. that kinda sucks. send me a letter kids it will be fun!

its 10:02 pm on saturday, august 19, 2006 on the first night of my life and i am sitting in my dorm room listening to true love waits and wondering if the universe would really be destroyed if it didnt.

i hope that here in God's country i can become the person i want to be and not lose myself anywhere along the way.

time for that summer reading i didnt do.

"welcome to limboland. for the next four years you get to do whatever the fuck you want." -jm07

so im pretty dead right now. but im here and so is all my stuff or at least so i think until i figure something else im missing. oh well, its good to be outside of my purple box in surburbiatown. on my way home from jmo's house last night, who fittingly was the last person i saw before i left town, i got a little sad about starting anew and leaving my home. but then "world" by five for fighting came on and it just made me realize the amazing opportunity i now have to really just go for it and be amazing and be special and be different and reach out and grab that life i want so desperately.

i miss jordan though.

i like how for once i can actually say the person's name im talking about. way back in the day when lord knows whos girlfriend was reading this thing, i had to use codenames and all sorts of sketchy things. with jordan i get to say what i mean and feel it too.

so i have a feeling things are just going to start going and never stop for a second for a very very long time. before i know it ill be famous or crazy or something like that.

i went to target before i came to campus because i forgot to bring bed pillows. geez now theres an important thing to forget. so im standing at the checkout and this hugely fat lady walks up to the register over along with a man who is almost equal in size, almost. they are wearing matching t shirts, white with black fancy cursive writing across the front. the womans says bride and the mans says groom.

if this is any indication i think the next few years should be quite interesting.

u just never know how it will go.

and then there was one.

goodbye haigwood studios.

kinda weird when you have a harder time leaving your workplace than you do leaving some of your friends. but then again these people are my friends. lest i forget that for five months out of my life i was forced to spend at least an hour every weekday with these people. then after that i believe i was there almost every day at some point or another during the summer. the day didnt feel complete without a visit to the studio.

is it possible that while i was the one who was supposed to be giving to the studio (through my employment there) that in reality the studio was giving back to me?

i'd dare say i have changed as a person as a result of the time i have spent there.

i learned about hairlights. how to use a cannon. the importance of not throwing your hardrive around. a little bit about men's suit sizes. how to use a metz. i lost my sushi virginity. i watched a movie called ikiru or 30 minutes of it anyway. i hated rhs moms. i went in at 8 am. i went in at 1 am. i fell asleep on the couch. i broke a modeling light bulb. i saw people get married. i saw people get separated. i saw boobies. i did interior shoots. i made myspace fabulous. i made friends with an awesome christian british dude named nigel. i rendevoued in the parking lot late at night. i was a hand model. and a robe model. and a prom model. i have my own scandalous red couch story. i heard dani california millions of times on the stereo. i went to the fox with jeremy for a wedding. amanda and i hung out in mountain park and got belton and jordan lost. i shot chamaeleon and kelley in the studio. i shot coco in the studio. i did my first nudes in the studio. i spent a lot of time on the phone. i learned about painting with light. i met astounding and amazing people. i saw how vain the industry could be. at that single location my vcard was almost stolen two, make that three, times. and i loved absolutely every second of it. i couldnt have asked for a better place to spend the last nine months and certainly could not have asked for a better opportunity to learn and better people with which to work.

it was all i could do to keep from crying as i said goodbye to everyone. i couldnt believe i was walking out that door for good. i mean i will come back and work at christmas. but who knows who will be there by the time i return. things will never be the same. i will never be the same.

i suppose at this point, with my goodbyes all said and the studio fading off in the distance as well, the emotion that i feel is not that of sadness over leaving people behind. it is a sense of nostalgia that the girl who came to this town seven years ago would not even remotely recognize the girl who is typing this entry today. this new girl is still much the same as the old girl, but at the same time not anything like her. she has an innocent air about her, but in truth she is jaded. she finds in hard to believe in many of the things she used to like true love and honesty. the girl today wonders if her life is really going to be how she always imagined, and if it isnt, would that be such a bad thing? this girl wonders if maybe all the things that seemed so taboo to her before, like having relationships with people who may not be her "type" or choosing a life of adventure and beauty over a life of predictabilty and stability. this girl has a scar on the inside of her lip and a gash mark on her lower back. this girl did what she wanted during the last summer of her life and she loved it. this girl is 25 pounds heavier. this girl doesnt have a straight plan and doesnt know where shes going.

and i am this girl.

question EVERYTHING.
NEVER say never.

i left the studio today waving goodbye to an orange and brown figure who was standing in the superbright back parking lot where we both had been only 12 hours before. i didnt make it to the stoplight before i started bawling.

beware of the people who are watching you from afar.
they tend to grow on you after awhile.

if i could do this all again, i would have given him a chance much earlier. he was the one i should have been with all along. he was the one i deserved to be with. i should have been with him way back in march when we shot senior samples. or on june 19th when we spent all day in a mansion on lake lanier listening to overdrawn stories about a girl who just wanted some weed and didnt care if she had to go through a homeless person to get to it. i should have been with him at prom. i should have been with him for all those times when the lighting was fantastic and if only i could have someone here with me who actually gave a damn and could appreciate it. i should have been with him all those times when i just wanted to be quiet and still and no one else really got it.

but should haves dont work.

so i have to say that the little time i gave us i was very reluctant at first. scroll down if u must and youll see. i didnt want to get in some weird scenario where i was just asking to get hurt like in the past. i wasnt sure if it would work, or if i was even into it. but in the end it was most excellent and most good.

so when he handed me a gift i could feel through the paper that it was a book but i wasnt supposed to open it until later. i turned into my neighborhood, still bawling. and it hit me. i knew exactly what was in that package. his copy of Fight Club. the book that i love and the book he loves even more. the paperback novel that means so much to him. all i could offer up was a pitiful piece of artwork and a photograph.

i guess he'll probably never know how much i enjoyed my time with him in the end.

but it is just that.

the end.

im so tired of saying goodbye.

and then there were two.

i love you amanda you are truly my hero. thank you for everything you have been to me. thank you for eating a lot of food. thank you for not being able to spell. thank you for being horrible at spanish. thank you for being the most amazing swimmer ever. thank you for having a cool cat named am-y. thank you for being the biggest pimp i know and encouraging me to follow in ur footsteps.

my chica : )

What kind of world do you want?
Make anything
Let's start at the start
Build the master keys
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now.

(yes it does. lets go.)

and then there were three.

i would hate to be one of those kids who has to be here another month while everyone else is away. i cant describe the emptiness i have felt as one by one the people who have meant so much to me over the past few years slowly fade out into the world. i was driving today, and as i drove past the neighborhoods of friends i remembered how if i were to go to their houses they wouldnt be there anymore.

last night kelley came over. i thought it would be this long sentimental reccounting of all the memories we've had over the last seven years, but mostly we just sat and watched coyote ugly on tv and ate cake.

but thats the way its always been and theres no need to change it on the last night we have.

i felt kinda numb as i walked her to the door and we said goodbye. but then i saw a tear in her eye. kelleys eye. the eye that doesnt cry. thats what got me.

she finally went away and i shut the front door and just slid down until i was limp on the floor. so much for being numb.

she came back one more time this morning on her way to breakfast with adam. much of the same, this time she said bye to my parents. her second parents. mammy and pappy. when she left i just went upstairs and got sad for a while. i could hear my mom crying in the kitchen.

i kept thinking, there goes my best friend.

my first and only best friend mind you. the girl i met in the 6th grade right after i moved here and instantly hated. the girl that uses at least 5 hyperboles in any given sentence. the girl who is my polar opposite. the girl who can read my mind.

how can you cut off my arm and my leg and a good portion of my head and still expect me to walk around like nothing happened?

this is what it feels like to lose your friends.

this is what it feels like to be alone in suburbia.

i have never felt like this before. it is emptiness. it is sadness. it is confusion. it is loneliness in a crowd. it is numbness.

im just on go mode right now.

ps: love has the worst sense of timing.

release.

i think i felt every emotion possible today.

i woke up and was dead tired for almost half the day, easily frustrated and annoyed with the tedious task of dorm room shopping with my detail-oriented mother. God bless her, i dont know how i would function without her, but i sure can be mean to her.

went to yousufs to say goodbye. seems like with all my friends thus far you think there's all this stuff that needs to be said because your relationship is so extensive/meaningful/deep, but when you get right down to it you dont say anything that youre feeling really. maybe if youre lucky youll skim the surface a little. but i guess the beauty of all that when it happens is that you and your friend probably know each other and your relationship well enough that you just know how each other feels and you dont have to say all that stuff. youre just ok. just ok.

so after feeling a little sad and nostalgic, i hopped on over to Shallots for sushi with Belton and Jordan. i was a sushi virgin and they made me order the real stuff...the raw stuff. i have to say belton turned me on to fish in the first place and sushi wasnt too bad either. after illegally sharing the all-u-can-eat sushi meal. we left. i had fun and therefore felt happy.

then off to say goodbye to robyn. she was being very robyn-like and rushing around freaking out about what she would bring to college and the fact that she no longer has her own bathroom. we said goodbye and she started to cry and i told her i wasnt having any of that. not tonight. then i got in the car and left and bawled all the way to the studio. i felt so sad. i think what got me was as i drove away i looked back at her house and just all these times came rushing back to me. i remembered how things smelled, the general feeling of the time. spending the night after concerts, eastburg lettuce, studying for econ, random really late night conversations, phylum mold, prom, ddr, my shopping buddy. my robyn . im sure i will keep in touch with robyn but you know that things will never be the same and seeing her house just reminded me of the way things used to be and all the memories weve had and its really been great. i guess the saddest part for me is that i know i will never have a friend even close to robyn. shes such a great person. shes always stuck around and been open and honest with me, and we share the fact that we have little quirks about us that often turn others off, but in the end make us who we are. i will miss the sassy girl who calls certain guys hormonal bastards and who chases down innocent bystanders in the senior lot just to insure that i have a prom date. where else can u find a friend like that.

college life will take some adjusting for her, but it will for us all. she will be just fine and amazing.

so then i was sad.

so i went to the studio where all the cool kids from dinner and dan were painting the studio. i had to clean myself up i looked like a frickin rape victim after my little meltdown in the car. i was so upset i was shaking like it was freezing outside and i felt cold but i know i wasnt.

then i got silly and giddy. finally what ive been looking for for so long. the thing i could never get from the person that should have given it to me. it made me feel better, like i wasnt so wrong for thinking this is the normal progression of things.

then i went to kelley's house. we played on her webcam. we made fun of some certain myspace music. we told stories. damn im gonna miss her. but i wont have to thanks to erape!

the day ended up happy and ultimately like it began: very tired. if im lucky ill get six hours in tonight.

goodnight.

well three down.

i cant believe its time to say goodbye. its not the overall not being able to see some of my friends that saddens me, its the day to day knowing that they wont be there like they were. i wont run into them at target. i wont be able to see them physically grow and change except through pictures or through a computer screen.

these are things you can think about all u want but you dont truly understand until you experience them yourself.

i have a week and a half and i havent done a thing to prepare and meanwhile im trying to spend time with the friends who are still around. this is so hard and stressful. i kinda wish i could sleep through it all.

for now, that is what i will do.

and then it was done.

so the day i thought would never come did. the day that was always in the distant distant future is now the past. my going away party was last night and i think it was a shining success. way more people than i could have ever imagined came out, and i think everyone had a good time, we have tons of extra food though.

i said goodbye to a lot of people for the last time. i said goodbye to a few really close friends for the last time. however as sad as the idea of going off on my own and not knowing anyone and not having these beautiful people around me all the time is, i feel like im not as sad as i thought i would be or as sad as i should be or something. i mean i think i, as well as others, have just reached the point where its like im just ready to move on and ive accepted that change is coming down and my life, and the people in it, will be different now. im ok with what's happening, and i think that is why i dont feel more strongly about what is happening.

either that or im just numb to it all.

wow im really not going to see sarah again. i think i just now realized that i said goodbye to her today. as in the last goodbye before college. wow.

some of the adults asked me how i was feeling right now. honestly, as completely ill-prepared as i am for all this, i feel like the only way i can truly successfully move on wiht my life and feel good about myself is just to get out and start over. i like the person i am today and i think ive changed a lot in a good way, but there are certain things about the old angie that i think i need to revert back to. i need to get back my strong work ethic. my incredible focus. my innocent attitude. my body. my sense of self discipline and self control. my ability to pick out what is good for me and what is not. i need to be able to be ok being alone, and when im not alone, i need to be with someone who is single, around my age, and for sure about his sexuality. i dont think this is too much to ask. my friends keep telling me i deserve a lot, and i hope this is true. i know greatness is out there waiting for me somewhere. i just have to find it. but in the meantime, i dont want to expend my energy in search of something that i shouldnt need to have anyway.

the first picture i ever took with kelley: december 1999
the last picture i have with kelley: august 2006
weirddd.


so i finally got to talk to my roomate, she seems nice. i hope everything works out ok with her. i think it will, im just glad i didnt get the roomate from hell or anything.

in other news i decided finally just to let go and go with whatever's bound to happen as far as my love life if you can even call it that is concerned. i have a week and a half left here. not much good can happen, but by the same token not much bad can happen either. so might as well take it for what its worth. i think i can stop questioning his orientation long enough for that. just kidding. yeaahhhh.

well its tuesday august 8th. for many of my friends its their last tuesday in roswell. heck for many of them its their second to last day in roswell. i cant believe the day of my party is here. i can remember looking foward to it and feeling it was so far away. geez, i leave in a week and a half.

i worked my tail off on the slideshow, and when you look past some technical flaws, its amazing. i cant wait to show it. im going to cry though. thats the problem when u keep the same friends for a long time, you have so many good memories with them and it just amazes u how fast time has gone and at the same time how much has changed.

i am so excited for tonight. all the people i have loved for the past six years all gathered in one place for one night. how amazing.

this is our swan song, our final bow before we go.

There are secrets that we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we're not wise enough to see

He said... You looking for a clue I Love You free...

The batter swings and the summer flies
As I look into my angel's eyes
A song plays on while the moon is hiding over me
Something comes over me

I guess we're big and I guess we're small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free
I love you freely

Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...

"The Riddle" Five For Fighting

Miss me guys? Probably not. I could lie and say i havent written because i was on some amazing trip to go base jumping in australia, but the truth is ive been here the whole time. ive just been so busy, between getting ready for my parties, getting ready for school, working at the studio, trying to spend time with my friends, and fend of romantic notions, its been tough. I can feel the close coming so vividly, i just hipe its a beautiful ending to an ultimately wonderful story.

The time ive had lately has made me realize how good i am with my friends. what i mean is we are all just so comfortable with each other. we're chill. im an extremely sad to leave them and embark on my own, but at the same time, with many of them i feel comfortable going off in my separate direction because i have a feeling nothing will really change between us. there's comfort in that.

It is unbelievably strange to see an end come that you never thought would occur. jenny's room looked empty today. she's already packing up. and then tuesday will come and then thursday and then that will be that. the end of an era.

im glad to be the last one to leave. i can close each book one by one and feel like i really ended things the right way.

this time has also made me see how stupid i have been. mind you i dont regret a thing. it was all right and neccesary and good and perfect and special at the time. but it never was real. i made up a lie that i wanted to believe and then i paid for it. but you know it wasnt just me making up shit...takes two to tango.

meanwhile i am wondering if i should just let myself go and just do this thing that doesnt make sense and take it for what its worth and just go with the flow and chalk it up as an experience if nothing else. it could be fun. it could make me look really weird. it could be not completely what i want. if i knew the answer to these things this would not be such a problem.

lead him on, break is heart, feel bad, try to get him back.

thats me.