and then it was done.

so the day i thought would never come did. the day that was always in the distant distant future is now the past. my going away party was last night and i think it was a shining success. way more people than i could have ever imagined came out, and i think everyone had a good time, we have tons of extra food though.

i said goodbye to a lot of people for the last time. i said goodbye to a few really close friends for the last time. however as sad as the idea of going off on my own and not knowing anyone and not having these beautiful people around me all the time is, i feel like im not as sad as i thought i would be or as sad as i should be or something. i mean i think i, as well as others, have just reached the point where its like im just ready to move on and ive accepted that change is coming down and my life, and the people in it, will be different now. im ok with what's happening, and i think that is why i dont feel more strongly about what is happening.

either that or im just numb to it all.

wow im really not going to see sarah again. i think i just now realized that i said goodbye to her today. as in the last goodbye before college. wow.

some of the adults asked me how i was feeling right now. honestly, as completely ill-prepared as i am for all this, i feel like the only way i can truly successfully move on wiht my life and feel good about myself is just to get out and start over. i like the person i am today and i think ive changed a lot in a good way, but there are certain things about the old angie that i think i need to revert back to. i need to get back my strong work ethic. my incredible focus. my innocent attitude. my body. my sense of self discipline and self control. my ability to pick out what is good for me and what is not. i need to be able to be ok being alone, and when im not alone, i need to be with someone who is single, around my age, and for sure about his sexuality. i dont think this is too much to ask. my friends keep telling me i deserve a lot, and i hope this is true. i know greatness is out there waiting for me somewhere. i just have to find it. but in the meantime, i dont want to expend my energy in search of something that i shouldnt need to have anyway.