everybody get your release on.

today i did two things i hadnt done in a very long time:
1. take pictures
2. feel pretty

this would be the time when all the females reading this rush to the "add comment" button at the bottom of this post to leave the standard "omg angie seriously you are gorgeous so dont even talk like that" comment. but dont worry chicas, though it is considered an almost call of duty of sorts among females, you need not worry about that today. truth is, i am not looking to good these days. i have early classes and half the time im covered in charcoal or plaster or Lord knows what else. i rarely wear makeup and i find dressing even casually nice is a difficult task. i feel myself slipping in this department and i know i must do something about it. and im trying. i guess only other girls would understand this, but there are just times in your life where you just dont feel attractive at all, no matter what you do. today was a nice break from that. i took a trick back to the olden days (haha literally, look at that dress) and got dressed up and took pictures like i used to. i only got one run in with a cop (i think he was mostly just checking my camera out) and one redneck encounter, he just wanted my number...i think i was supposed to be impressed that he was actually a graduate of ut not a student (then wtf are you doing on campus at 6pm on a friday?). but the point is, despite the fact that i got some weird glances due to the extreme plaidness of my dress as i walked over to McClung, it felt nice to be producing something...even though i would have liked to be working with someone else or doing something really cool or be back at haigwood studios. for now, an awesome vintage dress and my favorite heels will do.

things are looking up. im doing what i can to reach out to different people. after the retreat tomorrow night my decision will hopefully be made as to whether im sticking with pi phi or abandoning greek life.

but the best news of all is that theres only one week until i go to UGA! im sooo excited to see everyone. im so glad that theyre kinda all centralized in one location, its very convenient. i cant wait to be comfortable around people again. i feel so awkward here.

so heres to those of us who have achieved our release. for me it is becoming comfortable here so that i can proceed with photography and so that i can, i dunno have friends. its also going back to the ones i love and the ones im still convinced are my soulmates. for kelley its the weekend, wherever she may find herself. for ashley its her mattress that was lost right in front of her face. for about 97.835% of UT students, its the copious amounts of alcohol theyre consuming tonight. and for yousuf, well buddy im sure you had a good time tonight.

heres to chillaxin with mama's chex mix, chicken soup, and fig newtons at 1130 in the dorm room watching donnie darko and knitting.

goodnight little children : )

premature grandma.

im really trying to change things. be a little more proactive about my fate. try to get a little more on top of my school work. get some sleep. go to the gym. lay off the damn cookies. i am going to meet with the dean of student affairs hopefully within the week to discuss what my options are and what he would suggest for me to do.

as is: this wont do.

truth is im not very happy here right now. and i hate to say that even though i suppose anyone smart enough to be able to read this could probably deduce this for themselves. i just hate to admit that at least for the moment im kinda failing. i mean i know im not failing, but the fact that im not having the most awesome time of my life makes me feel a little stupid for not just taking the easy way out.


but rhoda rhoda rhoda says youre gonna make it after all mary tyler moore.

so i have all these little goals that i surely wont do, just like new years resolutions. ill think about them, ignore them and chalk them up to "good ideas at the time" so the plan right now is to do whatever i can to get my name out there. decide if the greek life is really the life for me. try to find my place somewhere. and for the love of queso take some damn pictures again.

the good news is a byproduct of my depression just so happens to be handknit scarves. and many of you will be reaping the benefits of that in the coming months. w00t go premature grandmas.

is it just me or is it kinda not ok to get your douche at the flea market?

i feel so gross i just ate a box of cookies.

like seriously.

i went to the flea market today and you wanna talk about hick redneck central...well i found it. nascar collectors edition coozies, fresh pork rines, swords of all kinds, tie dye colored bongs, and of course eagles on everything.

then theres a douche.

im sorry but why would u buy that at a flea market.

also why would you live in kodak, tennessee.

these are things that i dont understand.

but i got a dress and a retro addidas jacket together for the price of 5 bucks and even though i may look a little grandma-esque in the dress my ass looks a little more on the fabulous side if i can even say that with confidence, so im ok with it.

i also got donnie darko and eternal sunshine... all for the low low price today only of 18 bucks. so go podunk town redneck people. you can keep your Jesus throw blankets and your homemade beeswax and your handcrafted bluegrass fiddle, but we can all use cheap dvds for lazy days in the dorm now and then.

i like the weekends because theres no class and its a little of a break, but they get so damn lonely. and then u go to target and all you want to do is get some rubbermaid containers to store your fall sweaters that your mom brought up this weekend and you end up listening to stop this train in the car on your way home and before you know it you have to pull off into a side lot to pull yourself together because if you pulled up to the dorm like this theyd surely call the mental ward on you.

i swear these days id cling onto anything that seems familiar.

i think i realized today one of the important functions my friends back in roswell had: convincing me that im not crazy. ill be the first to admit im not totally normal, but my friends not only loved and accepted me despite this, they made me believe that my behavior was actually quite normal. now there is no one here to do that. they just give me weird looks. im the outcast art major from the other side of the border. this has moved beyond the point of just not having friends. im carrying a weight upon myself that is too heavy to bear long term. i am questioning who i am and what my identity really is. i was at least somewhat prepared to move on and make new friends, but that was harder than i thought. and i certainly wasnt prepared for this identity meltdown that is now occuring. i have cried more in the last two months than i ever have in my life. i live for phonecalls from random people and letters i know will never come. im so scared everyone else will have moved on and i will still be stuck in this ugly state of mind.

a baby sleeps in all our bones
so scared to be alone.

but i am not the only one feeling this way. appears my suitemate and i have much in common. the waiting for it all to come is the hardest part.

No I'm not the girl I used to be lately,
See you met me at an interesting time.
And If my past is any sign of your future,
You should be warned before i let you inside.

I will beg my way into your garden,
Then I'll break my way out when it rains,
Just to get back to the place where I started
So I can want you back all over again
(I don't really understand)

ugh i just wrote a full post and deleted it. while the drama always provides plently of material, im pretty sure everyones pretty tired of emo angie. including angie. i suppose im just procrasting from the art history flashcards that surely await me. every 28 days i hate myself. and now i cant really sort my feelings out. i dont have much to think or say. i basically just go. my numb little life. buzzing around knoxville doin my thang the best i can.

oh, my egg broke all over the place. i was so happy to see it go though. i was kinda hoping that it my burst into flames or explode or start leaking nuclear waste product on its way down, but no such luck.

i went to starbucks with some girls from Bible study this afternoon. am i wrong for thinking its ok to be a "real" Christian? that its ok to know im not perfect and maybe even accept and be ok with it? to understand that i let the fbomb slip a little bit too much for the church's taste? is this outright rejection of my faith? i should hope not, i really want to be a good person. but im no angel and i dont want to be fake. thats why ive never led a Bible study or run around trying to convert people. im not exactly the perfect model of faith.

but i think we all do the best we can in everything and hope that its enough to get us by.

i write you letters.
but i dont send them.
i just cant figure out how to end them.

remnants from my weekend in suburbia.

i rent a room and i
fill the spaces with
wooden places to
make it feel like home
but all i feels alone.

seems like i forgot to listen to the rest of the song:

everybody is just a stranger
but thats the danger in
going my own way
i guess thats the price i have to pay
still everything happens
for a reason
its no reason not to ask myself
if i am living it right.

this weekend was probably the best thing i could have done. i still dont want to get over high school. and now i have admitted that to myself. sometimes there are things in your life that you dont realize were great or dont realize you miss until theyre gone.

like high school and all that in entails.

like haigwood studios.

like mammy's cookies.

like carpet on the floor.

like beds not on stilts.

like jordan interns.

like predictability.

like my interest in photography.

if you knew how much youd miss it when it was gone i dont think you would miss it as much when it was gone. if you knew how much it really meant to you beforehand you would cherish it and love it to death and youd have few qualms about leaving it because you could say you did everything you possibly could. but that my dears is not how we operate.

but i take comfort in the fact that im not alone in my journey. yesterday i probably spent a grand total of four hours on the phone. quite rediculous i should say. i should probably be spending that time going out and meeting people or at least studying or knitting or rotting in my own filth or something. but i enjoy every second of it. when jenny reeves the genuis whos strong and been to hell and back and still stands up straight and speaks good english tells me shes not so sure how she feels right now. i know im going to be ok.

i changed my relationship status on facebook and thanks to that dang minifeed i got a wave of concerned messages and emails or just hellos from people that i knew were a result of the gigantic flashing ANGIE IS ALONE EVERYONE DONT POINT TOO MUCH SHE MIGHT NOTICE going across their computer screens.

truth is i dont think im very sure where we stand. i cant really put a name to it. after last nights conversation, i dont think anything has really changed, i just dont have a title anymore. i think its fear of heartbrake driving his decisions. or maybe fear that a title means pressure to move foward in directions that just arent possible for us right now. maybe he just wants to keep his options open. maybe he just doesnt want to say goodbye for real. maybe he cant let me go. im pretty sure its all of the above.

i dont want to get myself into a friends with benefits situation, but i dont feel like thats what this is.

and it appears that i never will do conventional.

but the truth is, i will be back in roswell in 3.25 weeks. after that, its a maze of date parties, mixers, papers, midterms, projects, games, trips to uga, rhs homecoming, visitors, finals, and christmastime. it will all be here before i realize it. so im not going to worry too much about all that. i go to class in what i slept in with no makeup, unfortunately. so i dont think anyone else is going to snatch me up anytime soon. and right now theres a lot of things i need to do. so ill go to class. try to make myself go running. make phone calls. read up on photography. do my laundry. go to Bible study. keep my room clean. try to get my name out here. dumb down my photography to try to get my groove back again. call home. go to games. go to the flea market on the weekends. try to finish knitting that scarf i need to.

and these little tasks are what get us by, because robyn say:
1. boys are hormonal bastards
2. take it day by day

i think my plan satisfies both.

You´re the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I´ll claim I did
But in truth I´m lost for words

im back in knoxville. what a bittersweet weekend if there ever was one.

being home is comforting and awkward at the same time because you know everything that was isnt anymore and everything you were and everything you had doesnt belong to you anymore, at least it doesnt the way it used to. i kept feeling like i had to ask permission to get a glass of water in my own home and despite the fact that everything was still where it used to be, i didnt feel like it belonged to me anymore. eating the food at home was great. sleeping in my own bed was divine. seeing jordan was lovely, and i even got flowers which doesnt happen to a girl like myself ever.

but amongst all this everything is so bittersweet.

because you know everytime you get closer it makes the farther away part harder and harder. and youre just setting yourself up to get hurt in the long run. but that is what love is about. taking chances. having faith.

and no yousuf, i dont have all the answers on religious topics. im fairly retarded on the subject. but i have faith. and that is what it is all about. believing in something you dont quite understand.

like the birth of evil.

and the relationship that may or may not have been doomed to begin with.

details arent essential, but last night at 1 am i found myself at haigwood studios. alone, i walked all around the inside. other than minor modifications, it is still very much the same place. different soap in the bathroom. a new modeling chair. new sync for the camera. new computer up front. but the jist of the place was very much the same. still smelled the same.

the simple fact that that was not the first time i had walked the place alone at 1 in the morning says a lot.

so i woke up this morning feeling very strange. i didnt know where i was at anymore. i thought this trip would help me bring closure to it all, but in the end i didnt know how to feel. then it all came down and once and hit me.

"angie just let it the fuck go."

my last eight months in roswell were undoubtedly the best time of my life. and im lucky enough to have this record right here of that time. it was such a time of growth for me. i loved the things that happened and who i became as a result. even the things that hurt and that were bad were what i believe to be an essential part of that phase of my life and i feel like i am better for them. my last eight months in roswell were amazing and i cant let go of them. im still in the mindset that this is camp or a bad dream or a long vacation and soon enough i will wake up and we will all drive our cars to the senior lot and listen to liming yammer about confidence intervals. go to haigwood, joke around with jeremy. go home do some math. get online and talk to my artner. call it a day. repeat. but angie that is over now.

pack up your things girl its time to move on.

it is so hard to admit to yourself that youre living in the past and you must move foward and be your own person and grow and not let that baggage get you down and to just stop living in a fantasy that isnt going to happen.

you cant go back.
you can never go back.

and that hurts the most.

that is the demon that has been hiding and lurking. holding me back. silently killing me. i have to let go of a life that is done. by truly letting go, i am basically understanding that im am truly treading out on my own. completely this time. im scared of what is ahead, but i just have to let go.

and that is why when jordan said goodbye tonight. and i knew it was different this time because it was goodbye for real this time, i didnt break down or freak out or get scared or get angry.

we take these things day by day.

i write tonights entry to you from good ole roswell georgia. it feels so good to be back here. a little weird, but i dont think enough time has passed yet to get that surreal feeling you get.

however i have to say it was weird packing a bag to come to my own house.

opening my closet and seeing only my sucky clothes were inside.

my makeup isnt sprawled out on my vanity.

kelley isnt downstairs.

i didnt go to or care about the rhs football game today.

i feel separated from this place yet i still feel such a strong connection to it.

in truth i loved roswell. i am suburbanite, queen of the suburbs haha. the charm of atlanta right at your fingertips with the safety and cozy feeling of a small town. we have it all right here.

and that is why i loved being a bitch in the burbs.

i feel very much older. like my parents treat me a little less like a child even though they still worry about me making it here in the traffic ok and still want to know where i go at night and when ill be home etc.

my mom made roast and mashed potatoes and peas and rolls and chocolate pie. and i didnt eat it off a tray. and it had salt in it.

tonight i will get in my bed and i wont have to climb a ladder to do so. theres carpet here. no florescent lights will be found here my dears ...this place kinda sounds like heaven when you compare certain things.

my advice to you current seniors: take it all in a remember it, appreciate it.

you wont but ill tell u to anyway. no one ever really does.

which brings me to my next point: how frickin amazing is jmay? i mean cmon. when my copy of continuum arrived in the mail on wednesday, i looked at the box, carefully opened it, looked through the booklet, and then slowly slipped it into my computer thinking "here is the soundtrack to the next four years of my life" i know sarah will probably write some anonymously-signed "john mayer sucks" comment on this but oh well, you can say what you want but he is amazing at the guitar, his tunes are mad crazy funky get down, and the lyrics are so eloquent and well-spoken, i see my life in his songs.

as i scanned through the cd for the first time i stumbled upon a song called "stop this train". if there was ever a song that so correctly and effectively put how i truly deep inside felt, it would have to be this one. check it out:

Once in awhile when it's good
it'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
and you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
till you cry when you're driving
away in the dark
just singing

Stop this train
I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed
it's movin' in
I know I can't
'cuz now I see
I'll never stop this train

so i turn the lights out and go to sleep in my comfy bed now. no roomates, no tile floor, no ass water. just a place i love even though maybe only for the nostalgia of it all. it feels empty here now, but home is home.

i know i know two entries in one day when i may very well be pms-ing is not really a welcome thing but bite me ok.

i keep wondering to myself if i made a horrible mistake. what if this is not where im supposed to be? everyone said just go to uga thats where everyone goes free education. i just looked at their programs. much more specific than here. free education. closer to home. free education. i may have royally fucked this one up. the truth is i am scared absolutely shitless and the future is so unclear now. the things that used to define me as a person basically like my friends my photography i dont have those things anymore. the things i never thought would leave me despite changes in physical location are gone. i dont hate i here i dont. but i dont see myself anymore. i see this distant person whos just numb and uncertain about everything.

i rent a room and i
fill the spaces with
wooden places to
make it feel like home
but all i feels alone

the company we keep.

i think we often forget how many other people feel the way we do. even when our situations are drastically different and we've had vastly different experiences, its not as hard as you think to find common ground. so im sitting here on the cold floor of my dorm room contemplating this prospect.

yousuf says life being simply "good" is adequate and really the best we can hope for.

ashley says i have a right to change my mind. and a right to grilled cheese sandwiches whenever i want them.

robyn says shes tired of feeling like the only one.

jordan says he misses me.

my parents say im misguided.

kelley says this whole college thing isnt all its cracked up to be.

belton says he's depressed.

my grandma says happy birthday.

i say what are you gonna do. this is my life. this is how it goes now. everything i had is gone or different and its bad and its good and its confusing and its wonderful and the long and short of it is im alone in a crowd.

but im not.

there are others.

when i hear robyn tell me shes frustrated with the way things are and she tells me about what shes thinking and feeling thats when i know that despite the way i feel 99% of the time i am not a freak. my feelings are valid and true and not so taboo that no one else on this earth feels the same way. when i think about my life past three days from now i want to scream. when i think about my relationship past tomorrow it freaks me out. when i wonder if there really is a future for me here in orange country i get scared. but thats just the thing. thats no way to live your life. there is a time and a place when you just have to say "fuck it" and go.

so you make your parents pay too much money for you to go to an out of state school you may end up hating at the risk you come back and everyone views you as the failure who tried to move on and couldnt.

you talk to the guy downstairs who's drunk all the time.

you decide that youre not going to compromise yourself no matter how much it hurts.

you drive 200 miles back home on sketchy premises just to be in his arms for a little bit.

and then we hope that it gets better and we hope it works out whatever that means and we hope that we'll be forgiven and we hope we can change and we hope we stay the same. all because we grew up and life moved on and someone forgot to tell us.

"theres a reason why, im gone and youre still there."

excuse my french holy shit.

we're totally bitchin. thats all im gonna say b/c thats all that needs to be said. my soulmate and i strike again.

this weekend was bound to be fun and good and cool but it was never really supposed to be amazing. i was soooo excited that kelley was coming to celebrate my bday, just to see a familiar face was great. we went out to dinner with my parents friday night and ate way too much yummy food. then rode the hip hop ghetto style trolley back to campus because shrek was already over, melancholie and the infinite sadness.

we slept in until 12:30 on saturday despite the plethora of Happy BDay! calls i was getting from people. waited in line for like 45 minutes to get a totally bitchin waffle and meanwhile kelleys cereal got really gross. came back to the dorm and realized that i was going to have a pretty uneventful birthday, which in truth was fine with me, because i was just happy to have kelley here, but if there was a possibility of fun times, i was all over it. we had been reccounting how great a place roswell really is all weekend, and i had been saying how i wish i had gone home for labor day. to see jordan. to sleep in my really comfy bed. to eat good food. just to be comfy again. and i really did wish i had gone home. i mean i didnt really want to have to wait a whole nother month before i saw jordan again, and that was how it was shaping up to be. and seeing kelley and my parents and hearing robyn talking about going home just made me want to do it even more. jokingly i turned to kelley and said "haha we should go to roswell". but it was one of those times when youre joking and then you realize that you arent.

30 minutes and a tank of gas later kelley and i are in the car with a mission: 75 south to atlanta.

we were only there for about ten hours. we slept at my house and got up at six this morning. came back to the dorm and got dressed just in time to meet my parents for brunch. for two very unrebellious, and to the outer world very uniteresting people, this was basically the most awesome thing ever. i never did sneak out of my house in high school. i never went on a roadtrip. so at the newly-turned age of nineteen i suppose i decided to kill two birds with one stone. i think every birthday i have had has been memorable for one reason or another. usually its for the parties had or some particular gift that stands out in my mind. this year it was for being with two people i missed very dearly and for the first time in almost a month being HOME.

yes there is a large list of reasons why and how this could have ended horribly. but sometimes you just have to hit your go button and do it. if master belton ever taught me anything it was that. live your life.

and we got away with it. wow.
so happy birthday to me, it was amazing. thank you to the participants and all of you who left nice comments and phone calls for me. i love you all dearly truly. and next time youre sitting around bored, say to yourself, well if im just gonna be sitting here not doing much i should at least be moving while i do it. get in the car. go.

inside jokes from this weekend:

K: "Are you seriously going to brush your teeth in the car?"
(Angie spits all over herself)

K: "This summer we should rent a bobcat and just get a pile of shit and just run over it."
A: "What would you run over?"
K: "An egg. A girl scout. Y*****. A cockroach. Survive this nuclear war bitch."

K: "I bet his is yellow or removable or something like that."
A: "Like a lego?"
K: "Yeah like that."

K: "You might want to get that off of you before we go to brunch with your parents."

Text from dad: "What are you guys up to?"
J: "Take a picture!"

K: "The penis: mother nature's best joke."

Songs of the weekend:
"Into the Ocean." Blue October
"Policeman's Christmas Party" Five for Fighting

the weekend is here thank the Lord. I am failing basically everything including social existence right now so its going to be nice to get a break. plus tomorrow is my birthday! and more importantly, kelley will be here in about an hour.

i dont think there was ever really a time when i dreaded or wasnt excited to see kelley, but i believe i will be happier than ive ever been to see her today. its not that i expect her and myself to not make new friends or that im holding out for some kind of long distace friendship, but kelley and i are soulmates. if she had a weiner she'd do me...she said it. i just havent found people here that appreciate that bitter, cruel, blunt, crude, hyperbolic, sarcastic sense of humor yet and until i do, i miss kelley like no other.

here's to the girls whoe are better friends with their friends' parents than they are with their friends. kelleys watching reno and the girls next door every sunday with my dad (awkward). ashley's chattin it up and throwing pots with my mom. jordan's climbing in windows at the o'connor's house. robyns having half hour long phone conversations with my mom. and im reaping the benefits of several birthday care packages from all my friends' moms. big mac daddy bri should be jealous: look who got mrs abree's cookies and who didnt.

im so glad shes going to be here. i keep forgetting tomorrow is my birthday. its like once you move out of the house your birthday ceases to exist. and im actually ok with that, but the main reason i always liked birthdays was that they were always a good excuse to get everyone together and eat copious amounts of food. no more of that i suppose. which i guess means kelley and i will just have to eat enough food and laugh enough for the ten of us. it shouldnt be a problem.

we are creatures of habit who hate change and i am the worst of them. dude click on the picture though its hilarious. facebook's gone all crazy and now not only is it easy to stalk people, i feel like a stalker just for logging onto the site. thanks to the new facebook, i now know that andrew clipped his toenails four minutes ago, suzy is devastated because she just got her heart broken cause her not so much boyfriend anymore just decided hes gonna play for the other team 34 minutes ago, and i will get hit by a car on volunteer blvd in about 14 hours. sorry guys, you were wrong on this one.

lets face it, everyone who has a facebook is a stalker, we all secretly check out the recently updated profiles to see whats new, we scour pictures of people we dont really know that well just to see if we can pick out any scandalous occurences in the obscurity of the background, and we add people to our buddy lists that we know we'll never talk to just to look cool and just to read their away messages. we're all stalkers. but cmon mark zuckerberg, we like to keep our stalking on the dl. kinda like how we all dont feel that bad about eating a cookie when it falls on the floor even if it clearly surpassed the socially acceptable norm mean floor-time of five seconds. or how we love to see our ex's squirm and squander in the nothingness that is their life. or how we find it a little funny that britney spears is such a redneck hobag these days. or how you always grab a huge wad of napkins at any given fast food restaurant when we all know good and well you wont use them all and then youll throw them away and hope that some green kid doesnt come by and yell at you about the hole in the ozone and the slowly fading beauty of the caribou.

we're all stalkers. we're all socially unacceptable. but shhh keep it down, someones gonna find us out.

and then it wasnt summer anymore.

its been raining here in knoxvegas. how appropriate. i am so excited for this weekend i cant even convey how excited i am to see kelley. for a little while, im going to get the rest of my mind and soul back. i cant wait!

you know who i realized i really missed but didnt really realize how much i missed him? belton. what an awesome guy. i dont really think its socially typical to hang out with your significantly older coworker from alabama, but i did it and i wish i had done it more often. everyone used to always think he liked me esp when he started asking me to go to dinner with him etc, but he was always like "eww its angie thats gross".

i think there are certain people that come into your life and you should never let go of them because if you do and youre not lucky or fortunte enough to ever get them back, what a grand loss for you.

belton is one of those people for me.

and i will listen to belton and not be fake and make friends when it comes to me and hang out with him more when im back in the well.

robyn called today. "robyn, what really keeps me going these days is a good dick joke and knowing that someone out there in the world appreciates it."

i swear i have the most perverted friends. except im one of them too. and we're actually not perverted. we just find certain taboo subjects hilarious. and this is what i miss. being able to insert some certain innappropriate anatomy into any given sentence and knowing that it will be funny and you will almost piss your pants and robyn will choke on her apple and almost spit out her water as that kid that says "hi how are you" twenty times a day while standing five inches from you tonsils walks by and the female police officer guns another scrawny sophomore down for drugs. so to all of my 3rd period lunch chicas, who live to laugh at the wrong time at the wrong thing, i say i love you.

"i wanna be on that" -kelley
"here is a list of things angie has done in her car in alphabetical order" -angie
"you just went there!" -everyone
"robyn say: do not put out for hormonal bastard"-robyn
"robyn say: i felt it and it was small" -robyn
"angie you are a fucking hot ass shit bitch"-kelley
"omg he has a hybrid car...hes in it for the long haul"-angie
"its like a joystick kinda"-kelley
"thats not big"-christi
"if thats small im scared"-angie
"does anyone know what blue balls is?"-robyn
"i'll have the std a la mode"-ashley
"i have bad luck with bananas"-angie
"oh wait, im a bird. oh wait i need to jack off"-kelley
"this is all your fault, it always is...we were just talking about coke until angie came along"-kelley

wow. i am a gross person. i love my life.

some days just kinda suck in general.

today it rained and this weekend despite my parents being here and having a lovely time with them i couldnt help but wish i was at home b/c all of my bitches in the burbs were at home and my parents live there too so it could have worked out nicely. i miss homecooked food and more importantly my bed. familiarity and friends. the studio.

belton just called and he is depressed. seems like everything is collapsing. everything is changing. but i think wise old belton is right in that he believes that my leaving them (at the studio) and possibly others was not an ending in a relationship with them, but rather a beginning. now that i am gone, i will really realize how cool they were and how much i loved them and how much they really meant to me. and belton is, as usual, right.

i feel very much alone here and this is mostly my fault b/c i dont put myself out there enough. but those who know me know this is not me and this is not how i am. belton says i can make lots of friends if i just act fake. he is right, but i just dont want to do that. there are some people that you surround yourself with and you just know that you could never be friends with them. its not anything personal, you just aren't each other's types. so whats the use wasting your time with people you know you will never be close to?

in other news, i think im screwed because my go to girl kelley spilled the beans to my parents this weekend and i dont think they are very happy. i dont know if this is because i just didnt tell them or because they dont like the situation in general. either way i feel like shit. i dont know what to do. i dont know how i get into these situations. there are just times when you have to follow your heart and your gut and maybe thats not always the most favorable thing to do but what are you gonna do about it?

im really ready to be comfortable in my life.

to have friends here.

to be ok with being open with my parents.

to be able to make decisions decisively.

to be ok with my decisions.

dear parents: im sorry i cant be perfect and i cant talk to you andi cant be who you want me to be but for once im just trying to go with it and live.

[sorry for the rants kids]

we beat california which is good b/c they were pretty much evil hippies and stuff. basically ut football is insane. orange everywhere and the campus now reeks of alcohol. i swear its true.

yet somehow i find myself back at my dorm room at this insanely early hour. its just how i am.

my parents are here this weekend and their presence makes me realize how much of a life and myself i have left behind, and how much i have moved on despite what seems like slow progress over the past two weeks. i cant really tell if this realization makes me miss home or makes me appreciate what i now have. perhaps its a little of both. i realized this weekend what a pleasant and beautiful little city knoxville is. with the worlds fair park, market square, the art museum, the river, the color orange. last night we just walked around the city and it was just one of those perfect nights. windo blowly slightly, perfect temperature, great date night. my date just so happened to be a few hundred miles away : ) i love being here and independent and basically choosing how i want to run my days and persuing what i want to ultimately do. at the same time seeing my parents made me remember the things i loved about home. coming home from school and the studio and eating a yummy homecooked meal. sleeping in my oober-comfy bed. staying up online with yousuf and/or robyn until 1 am when i knew good and well i had to be up in 5 hours and hadn't studied for that geology test and event though geology is supposed to be a crap class you still need to study. going out to football games when that first chill wind of fall hits the air and you know this year will hit fast and hard and knowing youll be home and in bed by 12:30. these are the things of my roswell life.

sometimes change is so slow you dont realize its happening but i may be beginning to get a feel for this place.

"never regret the things that once made you smile because at the time it was exactly what you wanted."

i discovered this quote the other day on my gamma chi's facebook and it made me realize why i should truly never regret anything. usually things "seemed like a good idea" at the time otherwise you wouldnt do them in the first place. we all have our skeletons in the closet, but only if we let them haunt us are they really ever a problem.