You´re the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I´ll claim I did
But in truth I´m lost for words

im back in knoxville. what a bittersweet weekend if there ever was one.

being home is comforting and awkward at the same time because you know everything that was isnt anymore and everything you were and everything you had doesnt belong to you anymore, at least it doesnt the way it used to. i kept feeling like i had to ask permission to get a glass of water in my own home and despite the fact that everything was still where it used to be, i didnt feel like it belonged to me anymore. eating the food at home was great. sleeping in my own bed was divine. seeing jordan was lovely, and i even got flowers which doesnt happen to a girl like myself ever.

but amongst all this everything is so bittersweet.

because you know everytime you get closer it makes the farther away part harder and harder. and youre just setting yourself up to get hurt in the long run. but that is what love is about. taking chances. having faith.

and no yousuf, i dont have all the answers on religious topics. im fairly retarded on the subject. but i have faith. and that is what it is all about. believing in something you dont quite understand.

like the birth of evil.

and the relationship that may or may not have been doomed to begin with.

details arent essential, but last night at 1 am i found myself at haigwood studios. alone, i walked all around the inside. other than minor modifications, it is still very much the same place. different soap in the bathroom. a new modeling chair. new sync for the camera. new computer up front. but the jist of the place was very much the same. still smelled the same.

the simple fact that that was not the first time i had walked the place alone at 1 in the morning says a lot.

so i woke up this morning feeling very strange. i didnt know where i was at anymore. i thought this trip would help me bring closure to it all, but in the end i didnt know how to feel. then it all came down and once and hit me.

"angie just let it the fuck go."

my last eight months in roswell were undoubtedly the best time of my life. and im lucky enough to have this record right here of that time. it was such a time of growth for me. i loved the things that happened and who i became as a result. even the things that hurt and that were bad were what i believe to be an essential part of that phase of my life and i feel like i am better for them. my last eight months in roswell were amazing and i cant let go of them. im still in the mindset that this is camp or a bad dream or a long vacation and soon enough i will wake up and we will all drive our cars to the senior lot and listen to liming yammer about confidence intervals. go to haigwood, joke around with jeremy. go home do some math. get online and talk to my artner. call it a day. repeat. but angie that is over now.

pack up your things girl its time to move on.

it is so hard to admit to yourself that youre living in the past and you must move foward and be your own person and grow and not let that baggage get you down and to just stop living in a fantasy that isnt going to happen.

you cant go back.
you can never go back.

and that hurts the most.

that is the demon that has been hiding and lurking. holding me back. silently killing me. i have to let go of a life that is done. by truly letting go, i am basically understanding that im am truly treading out on my own. completely this time. im scared of what is ahead, but i just have to let go.

and that is why when jordan said goodbye tonight. and i knew it was different this time because it was goodbye for real this time, i didnt break down or freak out or get scared or get angry.

we take these things day by day.