the 2007 manifesto.

12.29.2005

12.29.2006
so this is the new year.

and i feel so different.

"you will recieve in return the amount of forgiveness you give to others. leave behind a few uneccesary things in 2006 and 2007 will be the best year youve ever had." -ernest easley

ok so im going to start this off by explaining the pictures. basically, my life is one big circle. a pretty boring circle too. on friday i went out to dinner with my parents. i wore my v neck little black dress. exactly one year to the date before, i went out to dinner with my parents. i wore my v neck little black dress. crazy crazy crazy. onward.

today is the last day there will ever ever be in 2006. it has been a mighty interesting year, here are the hilights:

+swim team captain
+fell in love for the first time
+aiken prom and such
+florida trip with adawg and kelley
+haigwood studios
+roswell prom
+graduation and all the exhausting parties
+won 2 photography competitions
+the 2 J mistakes
+saying goodbye
+the angie hotel
+haigwood studios summertime
+meeting new people ive known forever
+bday madness with kelley
+going to college
+305/305 parties
+greg @ UT
+alex and heather @ UT
+visits home and to uga
+falling in love all over again with an idea
+photography photography photography
+thanksgiving and christmas break
+being totally bitchin

mr steve sparling said the other day that he heard if you make it to thanksgiving freshman year of college without too many internal wounds, youll be a-ok the rest of the way. i think he's right. i felt it when i was here for thanksgiving, that sense of change. that sense of no longer belonging here nor there. then i went back and things just seemed more natural, better. around that time i became aware of a lot of other things as well. the wheels were turning in my soul, corny i know, but true. the pieces of all the issues and struggles ive dealt with over the past few months, or even year are finally starting to come together.

essentially i felt like this year was a kind of rebellion period for me. i rebelled against the kind of life i thought i was being told to live. i rebelled against the things i hated about myself. i rebelled against my concept of the rules. i rebelled against what was socially acceptable at times. i rebelled against who i was. out of rebellion comes immense growth, but for a girl like me rebellion typically only goes so far. at the end of the day im not a badass im not edgy im not cool and im not a more interesting person as a result of the things ive done...not neccesarily anyway.

so i learned. i learned about making mistakes. i learned about photography. i learned about the male sex. i learned about saying goodbye. i learned about inner strength. i learned about heartache. i learned about being alone. i learned about loving others. and ultimately these are the things that matter because when you stop learning that means youre dead.

and im not dead yet.
im not dead yet.
im not dead yet.

ive learned so much from the wonderful people im so fortunate to have in my life. you all have truly graced me with your presence and i am truly thankful to each and every one of you for what you have meant to me and what you have done for me.

ultimately it comes downt to this: i am at the primetime of my life. this is when all the exciting, life-altering shit goes down. i go to college. i make a career for myself. i move somewhere awesome. i set out to chase my dreams. maybe i even fall in love.

i see these things now. its your life, but youve only got one.

if i learned anything i could say i learned that my life is my own. now being off at college on my own, i see that i am truly the captain of my fate or however that poem goes. i make the decisions that i have to clean up the shit because of. i have to deal with the results of what i do, so i should make the results something i want to deal with...and i can. i can! this year has made me see that my dreams are only as unrealistic and far away as i allow them to be in my mind. i believe its time to stop approaching life with a roll over and play dead mentality and start milking it for all its worth.

new years resolutions:

+work out...seriously i could be hot if i got off my computer for five seconds and did something with myself.

+eat veggies more

+end the rebellious period. this does not mean stop taking risks or stop doing crazy things. this just means stop doing things just for the sake of shock value. i need to learn to do what i want, but make sure i know what i want before i take any course of action. i would like to start going to church regularly again, and when i do go, listen and apply what is said. i need to find God again. i want to have healthier more stable relationships (slowww ones haha)

+meet more people. more outgoing.

+read more. learn about all kinds of things.

+proceed and succeed in photography. network and take a strong course of action this summer. gain new skills and technical knowledge and work on pulling out my sense of creativity...i know its there i just cant seem to find it. take lots of pictures. good ones.

+travel whenever realistically possible.

+dont let the future scare me.

+make money for later...and save it...dont spend it all on clothes dangit.

+stay in touch with the ones i love no matter where they or i go.

+enjoy my days instead of treating them like to do list items. laugh and smile more.

+get some art skills so my peers will actually take me seriously.

+pull up the good ole gpa.

+be totally bitchin. again.

happy new year everyone. may 2006 leave you changed. may you leave all your shit behind and make this one the best year yet.

today was a good day visiting with some good people. went to sarahs, then to the park with ash then over to deb and franks. then i came home and watched the last kiss. this film got mixed reviews and was criticized for not living up to the so-called grandeur of garden state, but i actually loved this movie. though i feel like the characters were on the verge of being a bit too archetypal, i think the movie explored the reality of growing up and settling into adult life, which is something i think our generation will find more difficult than those of our parent's generation. it was honest and blunt and i appreciated that. the movie explores something that i am somehow oddly fascinated with which is the often shallow or hollowness of relationships in modern society. it seems like people just get bored and its just not important enough anymore to try to keep things going...this makes me so sad. i suppose however its better to recognize it for what it is rather than to be caught off guard by the way things seem to be. its funny, one day i want to be in a relationship, then the next day i think about all that entails and what i know based on past experiences and i think this is just not for me. i suppose it doesnt matter, you cant make relationships happen anyway, so even if i did want something it doesnt mean it would happen. but i suppose the question in my mind is whether or not i should even look for something like that or just turn myself off. well either way no midnight new years kiss again for angie...but maybe thats a good thing.

she told me it was razor burn.

i think i forgot what it was like to hang out with a group of people i already know, already understand, already recongize their history, their quirks, their likes, their dislikes. i forgot what it was like to have that kind of special relationship with others. having it, in a word, is awesome.

yesterday started out a little frustrating because i had several cancellations for pictures and my day was in this kind of limbo of doing nothing, but finally things got going. i went to katherine's house and had conversations with her mom and took fascall for a walk. then i went to rq's house and hung out with her and joseph. they are so much fun to be around, they don't take anything too seriously and seem to be just having a good time basically all the time. after that we went to amanda's and after she took the longest route possible (reminiscent of our florida trip from last year) we ended up at miller's ale house whatever the hell that is. we ended up with a sketchy waiter, as usual, who "really liked my camera" and we ended up playing trivia...and winning! go cardinals we kicked she told me it was razor burns ass...yeah so we made a few phonecalls on the last few questions, adam was no help anyway so he shouldn't even count. lets hope miller ale house has not shut down so that this summer we can go back and use our $45 gift certificate there haha.

kelley i hope one day you can serve me some ale...and no, you won't card me...and yes you should drink all the ale of the people that should have come but didn't show.

hands clean.

ANOTHER Christmas comes to pass. each Christmas has its own unique vibe or feeling, but this one certainly did, as my life is very different than it was last year. the friends i have hear now or composed more of who i make the effort to keep in touch with rather than those i see everyday. something about Christmas being over always leaves me feeling a little empty. all that build up and excitement just for a few lone hours of activity. but afterwards despite the sadness i feel refreshed, like the new year has already begun and its the time to make those changes and start all over again. with new clothes, new equipment and new classes i feel like im more prepared to get closer to that person i so badly want to be. i still have half of my break left to go, but thus far this has been a very cleansing break. cutting off rough edges of my relationships with certain people, cutting off certain relationships completely, creating or solidifying relaitonships that are new to me, discovering the worst parts of myself and better understanding what i must do to get where i want to be.

i looked at my anne leibovitz book last night. i also looked through a fellow UT student's photography and graphic design stuff online. not getting the job with waldorf was certainly a humbling experience, and that coupled with the feedback ive been getting from others about my work lately has made me realize that i am in way over my head. you can't make creativity. you can't learn how to be creative. you can make yourself better at something but you can't make yourself be creative. and being good and being creative are two very different things. what if im not good enough? what if i dont have the ability to compete with all the creative genuises in my field? truth be told i dont have it. sometimes i feel like an imposter trying to make mountains out of mole hills.

do i have it in me?

the antipassion generation.

i had another panic attack today. i am not completing all three sides of my so called "wellness triangle" its mainly the exercise part i'm lacking. and the sleep part. and the regular eating part...damn im screwed. that being said i really should go to sleep because that would help me out...but it's Christmas and i have to write a pre-gift giving christmas post, naturally.

24 hours from now will be the worst feeling in the world. the post Christmas feeling...that's always the worst, nothing left to look foward to. this year will be a little different though.

so i know what im getting for Christmas this year, a Metz flash and hopefully nothing else, but theres one other thing i want and it sucks because i know ill never get it, and that is this:

passion.

sounds stupid, but i have come to realize that i live in a generation that lacks passion for everything. we dont understand the value and neccesity of hard work because we've never really had to work very hard to get what we want. guys dont do the whole chivalry deal because they dont have to, we girls will throw ourselves at any potential male that comes our way. in such a disposable fast-paced world we think that if something doesnt work out we can just toss it aside because something better and different will surely come along. we lack that drive to make the things we want work. we feel like if things dont throw themselves on a silver platter in front of us theyre not worth having. this is so not true.

so my Christmas and New Years wish for all of us is that we may live our lives with undying passion. things may get a little off course, we may miss the mark initially, but you must you must you must fight for what you want.

live your life with passion.

black sheep.

first of all, before i begin this entry i would like to wish a happy one year anniversary to none other than this blog. im not sure what led to begin this thing, but i think i was inspired by jenny's bold and always entertaining literary ventures online and decided to make something of my own. a year later is had turned into a fixture in my life. i contemplated topics for entries during the day, and i almost need this thing to get me through the day. this blog is very special to me in that it is so much more than just a simple journal. its a journey in words, pictures, music and feedback from the readers and because of this, it evokes memories of the past year so much more vividly and clearly. the memories that this blog accounts are priceless to me, and i feel very fortunate to have such a detailed record of this crazy time in my life. and thank you also to all of you who have kept up with me in all my emotional frenzie throughout the last year. may we continue on for yet another year of angie goodness (and badness for that matter)

now on with the entry.



It's the same place I've been so many times before. The pink and blue tiled supershower in her grandmother's back bathroom. No one really uses it anymore since her knees gave out and everyone else got too old for baths. At 19 I find myself back in this familiar place. This room. This house. This town. Nothing really changes here, just small things. Small things like a new monitor for the computer, the old Winn Dixie closed, and someone else got robbed last week. It's really all just the same old story when you think about it. After a 15 minute struggle between the hot and cold knobs of the pink and blue tiled supershower, I reach outside for a towel just to find I didn't get one. Fuck, I hate it when I do that. After locating a towel I realize the mirrors are too fogged up for any assimilation of hair or makeup. I put the lid down and take a seat on the pink toilet to wait this out. This old house has no ventilation. I could open up the window to let the steam out, but there might be a scary black man outside in the back yard. I pop up to the window just to make sure the shutters are closed and lo and behold, there IS a scary black man outside in the back yard. Great timing Scary Black Man, I'm going to close the shutters now lest you see too much of Angie today. I wonder to myself, "who would want to live here?" It seems like everyone who is here is stuck here for one reason or another. Some bound by spouses, farming jobs, others just hoping this will be a reasonable locale to wait to die. I wonder if they ever thought it would end like this. If this, this place, this life, was all they ever wanted, or did they have greater hopes and dreams and just fell short? Is this the destiny for all of us to end up in some slow junk dead town with no hope, or is it only the fate of those who let it come to them this way? What if this is me?

I look back out the window, Scary Black Man is gone, or at least he's found himself a decent hiding spot, and the mirror is somewhat unfogging itself. I wrap my hair up in a towel, turban style, and set about to do my makeup.

Moisturizer. Don't forget Angie, this is where you come from, you can't escape that. You came from these people. You have their nose, their chin, their close-minded disposition, maybe even a little of their racism...I mean you did just automatically name the confused indidual roaming your grandmother's backyard Scary Black Man.

Concealer. I know I came from these people, but it doesn't mean I have to be like them. Sure, they have many admirable qualities. I admire their faith. I wish I had that. I need that. I've been jaded in more ways than they will understand. I'm not better than them, but I feel as though I must take control of my fate such that I do whatever it is that I want with my life, and most importantly that I don't spend my days waiting on something to happen to me, whether it be life or death.

Eye liner. How bad do you want this? How bad do you really want to change yourself?

Eye shadow. I'm realizing more and more everyday how much work I need to do on myself. I want this pretty damn bad. There are many changes I need to make to succeed.

Powder. Take it all in. All of this. The trailer parks, the crime, the small town gossip, the cotton fields, the beautiful southern starry night sky, the wisdom of your grandparents, the death of a once beautiful small American town. Take it all in. You'll need to carry all these things with you. They are a part of you and you can learn from them. Maybe you're wiser than a lot of those city folk because you know what it's like on the other side.

Hair dryer. You my dear, are the black sheep of this family. You have red hair and no one knows where it came from. You are going to school for art, who the hell does that? You wear your jeans low, and if they only knew you went out with a black boy once upon a time, oh man the shit would really hit the fan then. The kudzu growing on your family tree, that is what you are. This is not an admirable place to be, but you must do the best with what you have where you're at, and in this case, my darling, that means you must grow up to be amazing.

I look at myself in the flourescent light with the pink and blue tile as my backdrop. As I and everyone else gets older I can't help but wonder each time I find myself here in this place, how many more times I will find myself here in this place. How many more journeys I will make before her or my time comes. So what if you were to die in two years, Angie, the truth is you're not dead yet. You are not dead yet. So until they put you in the ground you fight for it. Whatever it is you want, fight for it with all you have.

Then when you die, you can say you tried. You can say you didnt sit around the slow junk dead town with no hope, waiting for life or death to happen to you, whichever comes first.

In life and death there are no guarantees, except that death is certain and life isn't. "If you don't like being here, don't put yourself in a place like this," I tell myself.

I look at myself in the flourescent light with the pink and blue tile as my backdrop, and the girl in front of me says goodbye, its time to move along.

i'll be near you.

this picture is just for you, special manfriend who will remain nameless. you know who you are.

so maybe i am.

i didnt do a damn thing today. i really didnt. but what i did do was actually see my parents for more than five seconds. i took these pictures. i reflected, which is usually a bad thing. and although my reflections were bittersweet, as i realized how truly much i love all the people here and the life i once had here, i'm coming to terms with how that part of my life is over and i must move along in my new place, and hope and plan a new life, in hopes that i should be lucky enough that it could include some of these great individuals. and it can. it doesn't have to end here.

its Christmas i think i forgot that. despite all the music and the decorations and the copious amounts of christmasy foods liek the pepperidge farm baskets, the cheap wine, the spiced pecans, toffee, chex mix and all the rest it just doesnt feel the same and therefore i feel like it isnt Christmas. but if i can make it through my trip to bama without to many battle scars then i should be ok and i get to move on to the fun part: giving all these gifts ive been running around getting.

i'm so excited for tomorrow, i think its going to be an all around great day.

it feels nice to be happy.

headlock.

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault

Though the lyrics are overtly sexual in nature, they pretty much describe the last 7 to 11 months of my life. the inward struggle that results from doing the things you know you shouldnt. eventually it wears on you and you seek a more righteous path. the problem is, the pendelum swings to the farthest reaches of that direction as well, and you feel the need to cut off yourself from it all.

im in the process of finding that happy medium place, and for once it may actually be working. i am better than all the shit ive allowed myself to do in the last little while and its time for me to change that. although ive only been home for slightly over a week, i've come to terms with so many things in my life, and its felt so relieving. finally i get to be with people i know and who i can feel comfortable with. i know for sure where i stand with certain people...and where i dont stand with some as well.

to put it simply, its been calming, reassuring and lovely. these people have been there for me for years and years and with that kind of history, you dont just move away and end things forever. i still need them just as much as i did 4 months ago.

im absolutely loving this series im working on right now. capturing the essence of the ones i hold dear is just exactly what i want to be doing right now.

oh look its my id, ego and superego doing their thing again. this may be the most scandalous blog picture yet. its how i feel. ive always been fascinated with the struggle between good and evil. where we draw the line.

im so excited to be home for winter break. for once i am here and i dont have to count down the days until i leave or cram all kinds of laundry list activities in before i have to head back up to the knox.i am just here and i love being here. my bed feels orgasmically wonderful...and its not 12 feet off the ground. the food is good. and more importantly i love the people im going to get to see. however, for the first time i felt like i was actually leaving something behind. tonight helen is going to watch a meteor shower and i wish i could be there. i have another life in tennessee now, and im finally ready to recognize that.

today was an interesting day. i went and saw a few old friends. i took the long way home and in some way i think things are falling into place as they should. at least for now.

respect is something people earn. with some the respect others have for them diminishes as time passes. im all too afraid that my friends have less respect for me now than they did a year, or even just a few months ago because of the way i have acted and conducted myself recently. however there are some who gain more and more respect with time. today, i experienced losing respect for myself and gaining respect for a friend. looks like im incapable of being the bigger person. but im lucky enough to have friends who will be with me along the way, at least until they stop wanting to deal with my shit.

i got home to an empty house tonight. the tree needs to be decorated and that is apparently my job. but instead i took this picture. then i made myself a grilled cheese. then i thought for awhile. for the past few months ive been searching. reading books, looking through anthologies, searching the internet, plotting, thinking. hoping to find some course of action for a series in photography for the christmas break. at first i was hopeful, then uncertain, then baffled, then i didnt care anymore, i was passionate, then i completely abandoned all hope and the answer was staring me in the face all along....

every relationship you have with others leaves you a changed person. others allow us to see how we want or dont want to be in our own lives or help us or hurt us in our interactions with others. coming back here and seeing everyone after an extended period of time reminds me of all ive been taught by these wonderful people who have surrounded me for the past 7 years. they have shaped me to be who i am today and each has taught me something i hope to never forget. so in celebration of that. i want to bring you a series of potraits. poignant, beautiful, real and true, along with the message each individual brings with them. this is my idea and i hope that it will be a worthwhile and visually stunning journey.

there is much more to say. i have missed writing this over the past few days. but dont worry, youll here enough from me in the days to come.

[the above are instances of kleptomania at its finest]

only one more day. two exams i am ill prepared for. im getting a c in math most likely. i took the easiest one i could. who was i kidding that i could go to a better school than UT. i cant even focus enough to study anymore. this is worse than high school. one more day. then the job interview my entire mood and finance is resting on right now. then home home home home home.

i just realized that whenever i do get home im going to have nothing to talk about. no untold stories from college. no secret innermost thoughts or feelings. theyre all here for everyone to read. everyone knows already. this will be a great time for me to shut the hell up and listen to whats going on in everyone else's life.

fuck you fuck you and all we've been through.

there are certain times when i am going along my merry little way and i realize that i am just a stupid little girl and thats all there is to it. just stupid. my world is so small. so naive. so inexperienced. so uncultured. so small.

sometimes you only think of your little microcosm. your selfish desires. your thoughts. your feelings. but other people do actually exist. and sometimes, your paths dont cross, things dont work out, people change, conflict occurs.

sometimes the best thing you can tell yourself is a simple yet firm no.

winter break take me where you will. im sure i will return a changed girl.

the trials and tribulations of apathy.

Well you held me like a lover
Sweaty hands
And my foot in the appropriate place

And we use cushions to cover
Happy glands
In the mild issue of our disgrace

Our minds pressed and guarded
While our flesh disregarded
The lack of space for the light-hearted In the boom that beats our drum

Well I know I make you cry
And I know sometimes you wanna die
But do you really feel alive without me?
If so, be free
If not, leave him for me
Before one of us has accidental babies For we are in love



we all like to believe we dont care. its much safer that way.

to be neutral.
unaffected.
careless.
to have poignant disregard.
to be detached.

but most of the time no matter what we tell others, no matter what we tell ourselves. we are oh so involved. and being involved, and having feelings and being vulnerable scares the hell out of us.

so we lie.
we lie to our friends.
we lie to our parents.
we lie to our loved ones.
we lie to him.

but the darkness of a cold december night will always get the best of you, and if you denied how you felt before, youll feel every inch of it on your way down.

sometimes this is too much to bear. if nothing else it may be too much to bear alone.

what are we so scared of anyway? that someone's going to call us out for being ourselves, a person we can't help being? that someone will see that we are insecure, uncertain, anxiety-ridden and scared? that we are human? that we care more than we want everyone to believe?

apathy as much as it is criticized is in fact an almost utopian ideal. if we didnt care it might possibly make the world a more perfect place. but apathy is in fact a lie. complete and pure apathy does not exist.

my facebook political status says apathetic. but this is very much a lie. maybe i dont have all of my political views sorted out into a neat little genre, but i do care. i think affirmative action is a load of shit. i think the US needs to stop relying on foreign countries for so much. i think the drinking age should be lowered to 18.

these are certainly not statements made by a true apathetic. i may not enjoy political arguments. i may not be very well versed in the area of politics. but i have opinions. feelings. convictions. we all do.

so the next time you go all day without talking to the one you care about, and they tell you theyre fine.

theyre not.

the next time she says shes ok.

shes not.

the next time she says shes over you.

shes not.

the next time she seems sad and says shes fine.

shes not.

the next time she says shes over him.

shes not.

we all care a lot more than we'll ever admit. in the end we're all just kidding ourselves.

gifts and such.

only a few more days for me here at ut. im so excited. as much as ive bitched and complained and freaked out about this whole adjustment process, i still consider myself a pretty independent person. i survived many a sleepover, summer camp, etc without homesick issues. but today as i walked through the campus bookstore filled with orange everything from golf club covers, to t-shirts, to beer coozies, to scrubs, to door knockers, picking out some Christmas gifts for my family i realized i was pretty excited to see my family. this is new, i dont usually get excited to see my family, no offense to them of course.

i spent this morning in the old city listlessly searching for gifts for people i dont really know well enough to be buying gifts. i love giving gifts by trade, but in truth, when it comes to gifts, i would rather only give gifts to those closest to me because those are the only people who i know well enough to give lasting gifts anyway. and for those closest, i would rather get them something truly special and memorable. sometimes this means spending a lot of money. sometimes it means sacrificing something else, like time. any 12 dollar picture i could pick out at target is not going to replace the awesome weekend and the great memories kelley and i will have when she comes up here for the john mayer concert. her ticket is her christmas present from me. i would rather give something that someone will never forget and something that someone will really appreciate than some cheap disposible manufactured bullshit.

Christmas time is known for being overly sentimental and fuzzy and such, but i think it may have even more of that feeling this year. reunited with my many loved ones from back at home is sure to spawn lots of good chill time and some good long talks that we've all needed to have. so excuse me but im gonna go get fuzzy and im going to take it for all its worth. we dont know how much time we have with each other. we may drift apart between now and the next time we see each other. we may move away farther. we may die. we may change.

cherish whatever it is as it comes.

if its a mistake, make it anyway.

things you never do dont have the opportunity to be a mistake.

they dont have an opportunity to be a success either.

rootless tree.

classes are officially over. i kinda have that empty feeling when something ends and you dont know what to do with yourself. but i cant do that. i must hit the ground running. i want this break to be productive, relaxing, beneficial, useful, funnnn.

self restraint.

our best friend and our biggest enemy.

in art in life in my mind its an inner conflict ive explored numerous times. where do we draw the line within ourselves? you are your own best friend and your own worst enemy. so whatcha gonna do about it?

this is the part where you get vulnerable. this is the part where you have to take risks and hope that it works out for the best. this is the part where you hope you dont fall off the deep end. this is the part where you this is the part where the paranoia starts. this is the part where you get scared. this is the unknown.

theres a point where you say fuck it ill pick up the pieces if they fall.

this is the point where you say, if hes there, lets just give this a go.
this is the point where you say, if he wants me back ill take him and see if it flies.
this is the point where you say, im ok with moving on right now.
this is the point where you say, i dont need you as much as i let myself think.

its Christmas time everybody and jmay says no one wants to be alone at Christmas time. and by golly he was right. i would love to have someone to spend this special time of year with. someone close to me to buy a gift he'd love. someone to go out into cold nights with or just stay in.

but this is the point where you say, just be alone be okay be still.

monday morning coming down.

What I want from this
is to learn to let go.
No, not of you
of all that's been told.
Killers re-invent and believe
and this leans on me, like a rootless...

music reminds me of the endurance of the human spirit. without such endurance we wouldnt identify with musical lyrics, but that endurance exists. are lives are quite parallel at the end of the day. so when i hear these songs i often think, "that is me, that is my life" its a pretty interesting phenomenon.

i had my final appointment with my dr today. maybe i was just in a good mood today, but it seemed to end on a positive note. the semester is winding down and as stressed as i should be i just dont care very much anymore.

the past week has been both positive and strange. i have recieved calls, messages and even letters from people i never expected just telling me they loved me. i cant let myself think that guy at the library foretold of all these things, but maybe he did. the important thing is this: i have learned how important it is to let the ones you love know how you feel. have you ever thought about if you died who would show up at your funeral? who would cry? who would care? who would never be the same? i think we all wonder that because we know if we did in fact die we would probably be surprised at who cared and who didnt. theres a reason why we would be surprised. in life we're all too afraid to let each other know how we feel. this could be taken in a negative direction to mean that people who act like they care about you may not actually care as much as they lead you to believe, but it can also mean that there are people out there in the world that care about you much much more than you would ever know.

i guess what ive realized is you cant wait to let people know how you feel. you cant wait for someone to step out of your life forever, cant wait for someone to die. too late doesnt have an exact deadline. no one knows when too late may be. you cant wait. it cant wait. say i love you when you leave. call your friend you havent spoken to in a while. keep tabs with you grandparents. call you mom. and when you regard someone as a best friend, let them know. its the most important thing you can do.let the ones you love know so.

making memories of us.

(im fully aware two of those pictures arent in focus...what can you do)

the semester is winding down. im screwed in a multitude of ways and even though i havent really even worked that hard all semester im done. i checked out two weeks ago. each week here has a different vibe. a different look. a different smell. a different song. and most importantly, a different feeling. since ive been here ive experienced almost every emotion i can fathom: sadness, grief, stress, happiness, nervousness, giddiness, surprise, silliness, depression, anxiety, expectation, love, appreciation, apathy, laziness, fear, disapointment, confusion, melancholy, nostalgia, adoration, fulfilment, emptiness, creativity, victory, defeat.

Wrapped in silent elegance
Beautifully broken down
As illusions burst
Too late to learn from experience
Too late to wonder how
To finish first

Take me somewhere we can be alone
Make me somewhere I can call a home
'Cause lately I've been losing my own

this weekend was the first time since i arrived that i had a genuinely good time with people who also go to school here. my art show on friday was quite succesful. i made almost 100 dollars, and may have gotten a gallery. i spent the rest of the evening im-ing as usual and listening to love actually from my bed. yesterday i hung out in the room literally all day with helen. when we finally got up we went to cha chas with drew and elizabeth. a little overpriced for the college budget but the food, atmosphere and band were all excellent. we went to the wrong bank to go to the atm so drew had to pay two extra dollars even though his bank was right next door. then elizabeth and helen went to toddies haha. i had no idea this night was headed in this direction. as we headed back to campus we got lost at this sketch playground with only those little animal things you sit on and they bend around. we stopped and played. i laughed. i felt at ease. this was new to me.

we came back and went to walgreens to get some fine cheese dip and some Christmas tumblers. chip picked us up. that wine was awful. blackberry kosher wine. not from a box. we bothered mary beth while she was trying to sleep. in the end there were like 8 people in our room and some random guy was passed out on the floor on my pillow not from anything any of us had done to him. i called all the people i was supposed to call...kelley yousuf alex. i knew amanda wouldnt be awake so i didnt even try. it was just nice to hang out and not feel fake with people for once. just to relax a little and for at least a moment belong. this is the first time i have felt this way since i got here.

meanwhile even though i dont have much of a perception of Christmas right now because it certainly doesnt feel like the holiday season to me, Christmas is certainly in the air. my metz arrived at my house yesterday from new york and my dad has checked it as ok. there are little Christmas trees made out of lighs on top of almost every building in knoxville. the movies are on tv. the decorations are out. there is something about this time of year that, besides egg nogg and family traditions and material hell, also breathes love. just to remind me along with the people around me who are in love how much i dont have all those things and how much i never really have experienced that. i just have kind of given up right now for that. look what has happened to me in the past as far as romantic relations are concerned when i was completely normal. i cant even imagine what it would be like now as im in this limbotic manic emotional state.

we'll all figure it out eventually.

[ONE MORE WEEK]

In the instant that you love someone
In the second that the hammer hits
Reality runs up your spine
And the pieces finally fit

And all I ever needed was the one
Like freedom fields where wild horses run
When stars collide like you and i
No shadows block the sun
Youre all Ive ever needed
Baby youre the one

There are caravans we follow
Drunken nights in dark hotels
When chances breathe between the silence
Where sex and love no longer gel

For each man in his time is cain
Until he walks along the beach
And sees his future in the water
A long lost heart within his reach