headlock.

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault

Though the lyrics are overtly sexual in nature, they pretty much describe the last 7 to 11 months of my life. the inward struggle that results from doing the things you know you shouldnt. eventually it wears on you and you seek a more righteous path. the problem is, the pendelum swings to the farthest reaches of that direction as well, and you feel the need to cut off yourself from it all.

im in the process of finding that happy medium place, and for once it may actually be working. i am better than all the shit ive allowed myself to do in the last little while and its time for me to change that. although ive only been home for slightly over a week, i've come to terms with so many things in my life, and its felt so relieving. finally i get to be with people i know and who i can feel comfortable with. i know for sure where i stand with certain people...and where i dont stand with some as well.

to put it simply, its been calming, reassuring and lovely. these people have been there for me for years and years and with that kind of history, you dont just move away and end things forever. i still need them just as much as i did 4 months ago.

im absolutely loving this series im working on right now. capturing the essence of the ones i hold dear is just exactly what i want to be doing right now.