blood rush.

something's missing
and i dont know how im gonna fix it.
something's missing
and i dont know what it is
i dont know
i dont know
i dont know

blood pumps out of your heart around to all the areas of your body. a sudden drop in blood pressure results in a lack of blood in the brain which is potentially dangerous and will cause you to pass out. the heartbeat should be regular. the flow of blood should be regular throughout the body. when the blood rushes out of the head it causes problems.

its no secret ive got a lot on my mind these days. life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go and i cant decide if im willing to let go and move on or if i would rather go with the part of my gut that tells me i need certain people in my life period end of story. i have a year and in addition to that fact right in the middle of that year i have three full months to do whatever the hell i want. so what do i do with them? ive got two options: i could focus on work or i could focus on school. well i'd like to do both. i feel like i should add a class right now this semester. something that could actually transfer credit. or maybe i should get a job. i need to make some money so i can save up for later. travel. do whatever this summer and next year and whatnot. im so scared im running out of time and theres not enough time in the day to figure it all out. but its hard to find a job that doesnt take over your life or interfere with school. but i dont know i think i do better when im busy. and right now i spend hours upon hours each day on the computer just wasting time. i should at least try to make some cash. plus i dont want a job to interfere with my life because i still want to have fun and enjoy college but to be honest with you im not really doing that without a job so maybe a job wouldnt really matter that much. at least then i could have plenty of money for a plane ticket to new york or something of the like. this freaks me out and overwhelms me just thinking about it. midnight tonight is the last opportunity to add classes so i suppose im done for. no more transferable credits will be had for me this semester. maybe i should just go ahead and start my online spanish class. i could do it on thursdays. i could be productive. my fear is i wouldnt be and id procrastinate and fail even a simple stupid online course. i need credits. i would like to do may semester at uga but i dont think theyll let me. theyre so strict down there. but i need kelley and i need a few other people and the people i need and the people who are here are two completely different entities. what if this happens? what if i make a relationship out of this thing? what if it works out? but i cant be here and have that work out. ill never be exactly in the same place, but i should try to be closer. thats stupid. it wont work. and maybe its not worth it. i cannot make the first move. what if thats what im meant to do? what if i miss something? i dont want to miss anything. i dont want to miss the best thing that could have happened to me, the best person who could have happened to me, the best decision i could have made because im too blind to know what that decision is. im so scared right now. scared and alone because no one and i mean no one understands. everyone's got an opinion one way or the other and im the only one thats stuck. i look at my life and all i see is this mass of confusion. my mother reacted a little better than i thought she might but i could tell she wasnt supportive. she said do what you want. before that though she told me i should write. she said i must write, im good at it she said. i dont want to study writing though i told her, i dont even think im that good, fuck i dont even know what im trying to say most of the time. she said i didnt have to study it, i could just do it, i should just do it. when i was little i wanted to be a novelist. then i realized i wasnt really that great of a writer and novelists generally dont make much money. maybe i should enter some writing contests. those things are all over the place. photograhy and writing contests. you have to be careful though, a lot of those things are scams. maybe i could find a book in the library about that. there used to be one on how to market your photography and it had all kinds of contests to enter and i bet theyre all legit. i could just enter contests and make money. the problem with contests is you have to win to make the money, its not like a job where you just show up an do the thing and thats that and you get your money on a nice little piece of paper in the mail and you pay your taxes and you eat your brocolli and thats that. its not like that, you have to win and you have to have material to enter. i dont have that. my mom says its ok that i have more fun when i come home than when im at school. i think she sounded like she was going to cry. i try to try for her and i try to act like im ok even though some days i know im not and maybe she knows im not too but i play this game with her, and i try to get her to believe everythings fine even if im screaming on the inside kind of like i am tonight. my mom said its ok that i have more fun when i come home for the weekend than when im up here and i suppose it kind of makes her happy because it shows her that i actually do miss her and i didnt just forget about her and move on. she says im living in a completely different world now than i was before and shes right, its a very different culture up here. but she said i would get used to it and i'd be ok and kelley'd be ok because we are just the type of people who make friends slowly but they last because theyre the best kind of friends. not like the people in kelleys class she was telling me about that became best friends in like a month. and shes right i dont do that. but im kinda scared of getting too used to things as they are up here. life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go. and im very imbalanced right now. scared as hell. uncertain as fuck.

blood pumps out of your heart around to all the areas of your body. a sudden drop in blood pressure results in a lack of blood in the brain which is potentially dangerous and will cause you to pass out. the heartbeat should be regular. the flow of blood should be regular throughout the body. when the blood rushes out of the head it causes problems.

the blood has rushed out of my head. the walls are closing in. i feel the tinnitus kicking in. im dizzy and hot.

i am passing out.

something's missing.
and i don't know how im gonna fix it.
something's missing.
and i dont know what it is.